An online journal of a disabled entrepreneur, a daily diary of my health conditions, my mental health, my business, my highs, and my lows. My news and reviews and my recommendations. My goals and my achievements. My celebrations as well my disappointments. My struggles and my accomplishments.
Obsessive-compulsive disorder is a neurological mental health anxiety disorder where a person may have irrational compulsive and often debilitating recurring thoughts and behaviors that they cannot control.
The main symptoms of obsessive-compulsive disorder are unpleasant thoughts and repetitive behaviors, which a person cannot control. Obsessive-compulsive disorder is usually treated with therapy and medication.
Different Types of OCD are:
Contamination / Mental Contamination
Symmetry and ordering
Ruminations / Intrusive Thoughts
Hair Pulling (Trichotillomania)
For me, I find it difficult to touch things other people have touched before me. I also do not like being touched by anyone, hugs, kisses, shaking hands, and patting on the shoulder back, arm, are all out of the question.
I cannot sit on a chair that someone else has sat on especially in public. I cannot touch door handles.
Since the pandemic, I have not left my home to go out to any public places.
If I have to touch the outer packaging of food for example I use disposable gloves. When I meet and greet couriers and delivery drivers it is with disposable gloves.
“I cannot have anyone touch my personal possessions or contaminate the quarantined area of my home. I cannot bear to be touched”. I cannot stand people standing too close to me and with the Covid Regulations that is a blessing in disguise for me.
I am researching neuroplasticity and hypnosis as this has never been offered to me in the 38 years I have suffered from OCD.
I will use myself as the subject matter (patient). Obviously, my journey is a long one and what I learn will not be overnight but with what I learn I will share to help others like me.
My first experience of personal OCD was when my banker boyfriend’s parents who were middle-classed looked down on me because I came from a working-class and foreign eastern european background and his mother saying and I quote “you can find someone better than my son” when our relationship was breaking down. I remember his mother insisting I ate more and have second helpings in order to fatten me up for the slaughter.
I started to feel if I washed my hands and avoided certain things I could salvage my relationship with my boyfriend. I was afraid I was not pretty, clever, or rich enough for him and his family.
They judged me rather than supported me.
I was on the verge of a mental breakdown and when the relationship ended I started to avoid mentioning his name, this was another OCD trait avoiding certain words or numbers.
What was the icing on the cake which made me realize it was not me it was him was when he invited me over to his house, unaware he was engaged to be married and whilst his fiance was not around and all the engagement cards were on the mantlepiece and he tried to make a sexual move on me and with my head up high I asked him to call a taxi for me and I made sure he never saw me again.
I blame my ex and his family for the start of my OCD somewhat 38 years ago and how I was treated by them all. As life has progressed and more trauma has come into my life the worse my OCD has got to the stage thinking I will never be able to get rid of it…
“Hopefully whilst I do my experiment on myself through self-help therapy I will be able to write a new chapter, I know it will not be an overnight success and I will do it at my own pace without any pressure.”. All I will say is watch this space! I will keep you posted in my online journal.
Below are some thought-provoking videos which I thought maybe useful to someone.
If you can follow like and share complete strangers’ content and worship celebrities then why can you not be supportive to your family, friends, and their businesses?
I will give you an example I did a social experiment yesterday to see how many members of my family would, like, comment, share, or even respond to a text message and Facebook post I had made, even though they are active online.
You will be surprised to know that I had ZERO interaction from them, yet they want me to sit at the same table as them and have dinner with them.
If you can gawk at a TV show for half an hour idolizing celebs you have never met or spend time on social media platforms, why can you not be supportive of friends and family that may rely on likes, shares, and comments to generate more traffic to their businesses?
According to the latest statistics an average person spends 145 minutes every day on social media, or 2 hours and 25 minutes every day. One of the most surprising things is that the figure has gone up by almost a full hour since 2012, so if every person with a smartphone checks their phone for messages and emails to then say they are not connected with the main social media platforms may be telling a white lie. Our brains are wired to release a chemical called dopamine which is a neurotransmitter to make us feel happy, it prompts us to connect online and can be addictive.
It is therefore disappointing to know that these members of my family have totally ignored the message I sent yesterday, in fact, total strangers over 9.5K on LinkedIn alone and I have never met before are more supportive of me online than my own family, which basically says a lot.
Therefore I have to analyse why that could be and this is what I have found.
People are so consumed in their own beliefs and lifestyles and may not understand yours, hence will not be supportive of you.
Others may be insecure about their own dead-end lives and may not want you to succeed for the fear that you might actually make something of yourself and leave them standing. This for all intent and purposes it is jealousy, as they can see you are turning your life around whilst they are stuck in their mundane lives, eating, sleeping, and working with no purpose and most cases up to their eyeballs in debt (mortgages, car loans credit cards, etc). Your life is more exciting than theirs, especially if you are debt-free.
Most people are batteries in the matrix and are programmed and will not support or encourage you because they do not know-how.
Sometimes entrepreneurs may act a little crazy, weird, different, outrageous, and maybe dreamers, believers, trailblazers. This is nothing to be shunned upon in fact it should be celebrated. Yet people do not like anything that is different, they like normal and may label you as eccentric and have reservations and fear that your craziness may rub off on them so they do not comment or interact.
They may think very highly of themselves even going as far as believing they are better than you, so will not be supportive of anything you put your hands to, (which I believe is true). A true friend or sincere family member will reach out to you at least once a month and not a couple of times a year.
Often in entrepreneurship CEOs may make decisions that others would not consider doing as they want to play safely in their mundane lives. They may not support you because they see what you do is a gamble.
If your family or friends see no change in your lifestyle, they may think you are not succeeding and without you proving you have assets they will never believe in you until they see it for themselves, hence will not give you the encouragement as they will assume and presume you are failing.
People may not support you because they do not believe in your values.
They may not understand the concept that the more likes, shares, and comments you have the more traffic it will attract as their friends will see your content also and the cycle continues.
I wrote a post on Linkedin asking if a domain broker does not interact with you on your posts, should you like, share and comment on their posts? I believe everyone that wants exposure should interact with one another, a bit like “I will scratch your back if you scratch mine”. It does not have to be business orientated it could be you as an individual wanting more connections, friend requests, and liked to your posts.
“When someone does not support or encourage you, do what you do twice and take pictures”.
My social experiment was a disaster but my family got the message I was advertising, even though they may deny ever receiving anything from me and not realize the aftermath and consequences of their unresponsive reactions.
There is always a domino effect to everything we do in life. If they are not interested in my life, only when it suits them, then why should I be interested in theirs?
“Their beliefs are not your beliefs”.
“Never tell people your problems, 80% don’t care and the other 20% are glad you have them”.
“Don’t feel bad when people reject you. People usually reject things because they can’t afford them”.
“Never ignore someone who cares about you because someday you’ll realize you lost a diamond when you were busy collecting stones”.
For me, I am trying to not be resentful because the members of my family that have not been supportive in what I do could have helped me by spreading awareness which essentially costs nothing. I do not need empowerment from them, they have had plenty of chances, but it would have been nice to have had a like, comment, and share rather than nothing at all.
In turn, they could have inadvertently helped others like myself that suffer from disabilities to encourage them with kind comments. It is not as if they never received my message as I sent them all a text message which was delivered.
Giving support and encouragement can be uplifting and can change a person’s mood and help with mental health issues. Always be kind and considerate and do think twice before scrolling past a post or completely ignoring a text message, especially if they are friends or family.
My family’s time will come when they will learn the truth of how I actually have felt and how their lack of support has affected my mental health.
I do not dwell on things, just record certain memories for reference. I am learning to disassociate myself from negativity and judgemental people, who are just watching and waiting for you to fail. Never let anyone’s negativity alter your mental state it is their opinion it is no the rest of the world’s opinion and who are they at the end of the day if they are judgemental and unsupportive.
I am a 20-year-old female that is about to start University in September 2021 and I suffer from ‘Multiple Sclerosis’. I live at home with my mum and my MS cat called ‘Tibbles’.
My mum read online when I was first diagnosed with MS that cats can be good for therapy. My cat is my faithful companion and is super loyal to me as I was the one that brought him up and litter trained him. He follows me everywhere and sleeps with me.
I am always feeling tired, I always try to get a good 8 hours sleep but I do not know what it is called but my legs feel so heavy and I find it difficult to get into a comfortable position (not sure if that is restless leg syndrome or not)?
My legs ache and my neurologist told me to double up on my ‘Gabapentin’ but the ‘Gabapentin’ also makes me feel zonked out. I cannot concentrate if I feel zombified. I cannot win.
“I have to be super alert for my studying”. I cannot afford to feel drowsy during lessons.
Whenever I travel anywhere I always catch an Uber (hospital appointments). My mum used to come with me until the pandemic started and only one person was allowed in, so it was not worth my mum coming with me.
I do not like public transport especially because of ‘Covid’and not being able to keep a safe distance from anyone, let alone the walking and standing to catch a bus, my legs cannot handle it.
My mum is my carer and helps with my shopping. She does her best to cook because although I do like cooking I cannot stand for long lengths of time, so my mum has no option but to cook for me.
I would like to lead a normal life but my household is by far from normal. My mum suffers from OCD so we are as bad as one another.
No two days are ever the same, I have good days where I do not feel sad and depressed and other days where I just want to stay in bed all day. My health is not perfect and I am starting to learn to adapt to my disabilities. As an example, I have had cataract surgery and have to have my driving license reviewed every 3 years.
I feel sad life has dealt me this card but it could have been much worse so I have to stay optimistic and you never know scientists may find a cure for it someday.
My mum had a couple of suction bathoom grab bars fitted to help with getting out of the bath.
I do have really bad days and feel extremely sad and cry for no reason. I can thank my mum for being there to put a smile on my face and cheer me up, she is like a counselor to me and motivates me.
I have noticed I have gained weight. I cannot exercise like walking for example because my legs hurt.
I do try and maintain a healthy diet but I think my medication is somewhat to blame for my weight gain (contraceptive pill).
Taking People For Granted, Assuming, Presuming and Mental Health.
People make assumptions as an efficient way to process the world. It is a shortcut to knowing the facts. As one Yale neurobiology professor explained, the brain’s vast neural network requires huge amounts of energy to keep it running: … One way our brain saves energy is by making assumptions. Making assumptions can ruin people’s lives.
Assume vs Presume
Presume is a verb that means to suppose, to take for granted, or to dare. Assume is a verb that means to suppose, to take for granted, to take upon, to do, or to undertake.
Assume and presume both mean “to take something for granted” or “to take something as true.” The difference between the words lies in the degree of confidence held by the speaker or writer. … ‘Presume‘ is the word to use if you’re making an informed guess based on reasonable evidence.
Therefore as an example I ask you some questions.
These are all hypothetical questions.
Would you assume for example someone could find nearly $100 per month only by giving them one month’s notice for an increase in rent? Would you presume they could afford to find the $100?
The second question would you assume someone who is self-employed to drop everything because you were arriving without even asking them if the date of your arrival was suitable for them? or would you presume they would just find the time because you snapped your fingers?
The third question would you message a VIP and assume they have time to chat with you or that they will phone you when what you could say could have been written in an email that would take a minute or two to read, or would you expect that person to take time out of their busy schedule to hear you waffle on about something that could have been put in writing? or would you presume they would drop what they are doing to casually chat with you?
Would you assume or presume that whoever you asked to call you or meet you could afford to do so? Would you assume or presume that their finances can meet the budget of an excursion for example or meeting up to go to a fancy restaurant? A self-employed person has more commitments than the average person, they have to pay the overheads of their business not just their own personal expenses.
These are all hypothetical questions that a disabled entrepreneur is faced with and I want to teach people to consider others before making rash decisions. It is unfair to put anyone on the spot regardless of their status, disability or situation.
Always discuss things and be very understanding and be respectful of someone’s wishes. Never judge based on a person’s choices.
Always find out the facts first and understand people’s circumstances before making plans or assumptions.
A self-employed person may not have the time to meet and maybe 100% dedicated to their work. “Just because you have free time or work for someone else, there is a difference. If you work for someone else your wage is guaranteed, however, if you work for yourself your income is not”.
Do take off your rose-colored tinted glasses before making plans. There is a saying “put your brain in gear before putting your mouth in motion”.
People with Rose–colored tinted glasses tend to be optimistic and have a cheerful way of looking at life. … Someone who looks at things through rose-colored tinted glasses looks on the bright side, sees the glass half full, and looks for a silver lining in all things. So their way of thinking maybe if you lose work because of a casual meet-up to not to worry as another job will come along, having a go-lucky attitude. They also may think that life is too short to worry about finances and just go with the flow and live for the moment. Their excuses will always override your thinking and you cannot win.
NEVER ASSUME OR PRESUME ANYTHING!
Do not assumeor presume that people can talk to you when they are working 24/7.
Do not assumeor presume people can meet you even for five minutes if they have a busy schedule or a critical time path and manage other people’s businesses.
Do not assumeor presume people can pull money out of their a##es just because you are demanding. Think about what this will do to a person’s mental state of mind if you go on your high horse and be expectant.
You would not expect, assumeor presume the likes of say, someone like “Elon Musk” to drop everything for you so do not think you are so special that anyone will drop everything for you.
Consider the other person’s circumstances before assumingor presuming they can travel. They may have health issues and may find it difficult to travel. Do not assumeor presume that someone with a physical or mental disability will recover miraculously within a short space of time of your arrival, never assume or presume anything.
Never assumeor presume that within a month someone can find an extra $100 per month for a rent increase when they could have lost business because of the pandemic or their job.
Never invite yourself to anyone’s home without asking them first if it is convenient, do not assume or presume that you turning up someone will drop everything for you.
“It really rattles me when people are so narrow-minded and do not care about anything apart from themselves”.
I am venting my anger because not only do I have time wasters trying to waste my precious time, attempting me to do work but refusing to sign contracts, I also have those that think they can waste my precious money.
Do take people’s circumstances into consideration especially if they are running a business and have health issues.
If you want to see someone but they are not comfortable meeting you consider Facetime, Skype, Zoom, Teams to name a few, I personally do not have to see you in person.
Do not assume or presume that I for one will drop everything for you because you are arriving, you should never put anyone on the spot and expect to meet if you know they have health issues.
Do not assume or presume that my health issues will miraculously go away within a short space of time when I personally have battled my illness for 30 years. Do not put people on the spot and force them into a situation they do not want to be in.
Do not be selfish.
Do not assumeor presume because you are turning up on a weekend that someone such as myself does not work weekends. Always find out the facts and give the other person plenty of time to make adjustments if at all possible and discuss a happy medium where both parties can agree to something, consider the person’s disabilities, and do not expect too much from that person if you care about them.
Ask in advance if that particular date is suitable for both parties concerned, do not assume or presume that they can take time off work, and be aware that may lose business because of your selfish,careless thinking.
Life lesson does not matter how old you are, if you want something from someone be prepared to compensate them for their time, service, and resources.
Never assumeor presume people’s financial circumstances or their health and never assume or presumeto take up people’s time.
Assumption can lead to resentmentand animosity. Always communicate properly and understand that people that run small businesses may not have free time especially if they are trying to build their empires. Always consider other people’s circumstances first before being selfish.
There are so many self-centered people in this world, that simply only care about themselves but live a lie pretending they care about others, do not be one of them!
Note From the Editor.
Putting my health issues aside for a moment, I run several businesses www.irenata.com, and manage over 100 websites. I support startups that may not have the money to pay for a website upfront but want a helping hand to get them started. In return, they recommend me to other businesses. Just because I have over 100 websites they may not all be payable until the end of the trial period. Where I have to dedicate at least 2-4 hours of work a month to each website, so do the maths, that is 2-4 x hours per website x 100 websites = 200 – 400 hours per month divided by 4 weeks is 50 -100 hours a week which divided by 7 daysis 7-14 hours per day without me doing anything else, so where have I find the time to meet up for a casual chit chat? I don’t and I can’t. I am not going to jeopardize my business for anyone.
This Is How My Critical Time Path Should Look Like below:
However I cannot keep to my plan and most certainly cannot take time off work.
“So before assuming or presuming I can take time off work, take into consideration that I run several businesses of my own and manage other people’s businesses also”, so do the maths.
So before being judgemental and labeling me,I will protect my business with my life and will put it before anyone and anything else. I know there are people who are just watching and waiting for me to fail but I will not let that happen.
“Just because I have a disability does not make me crazy”.
If I choose not to waste my time walking around a park aimlessly for 10 minutes a day that’s my business. If I want fresh air I can step outside or if I want to do exercise I can do it in the comfort of my home.
I can manage my disabilities using my own methodology and do not like people trying to change my way of thinking unless I specifically ask them to.
If you have not walked in my shoes you have no right to make opinions, assumptions, or presumptions.
I am a strong believer in never knock it until you have tried it, meaning see if it works before making assumptions or criticizing, and if the CIA (Gateway Process or Project Stargate) has been doing it for over 20 years there has to be something in it. Accessing your subconscious mind and re-wiring your thoughts can benefit our lives, especially if we get stuck with repetitive thoughts that we cannot shift.
I wish in the 30 years I have suffered from OCD, depression, anxiety, stress, and PTSD that my GPs which I have had a few, could have suggested hypnosis.
It is not for me to tell them to do their jobs but no one ever suggested it and like a good little soldier I went on my merry way without questioning it or bringing it up in conversation. It was only by chance I came across some videos through social media did I really start thinking about a way to help myself. If I can find a way of not being dependant on prescribed drugs for the rest of my like, then I obviously have to give it a go.
I think as I am getting older I am getting a little wiser and have decided to explore neuroplasticity and brain training.
I have just started the art of self-hypnosis and have found a braining training motivational speaker ‘Jake Ducey’as well as the Monroe Institute. I have subscribed to Jakes’s Facebook videos and am on his mailing list. I have found the information he gives is valuable, which I am now implementing into my own life.
For years I have been programmed to think that I was not good enough, that I was a failure, I would not amount to much or have nice things. I was criticized, judged, humiliated, and belittled. I started believing everything anyone said to me.
The emphasis of this multiplied when I got involved with a narcissist that created negative energy and made my life toxic. I knew things had to change and I feel like the world has lifted off my shoulders since he has been gone.
The day I flipped the switch and said enough is enough was the day I started to think differently. Every time anyone would say something derogatory I would have an out-of-body experience. If they were directing their opinions and their judgments at my body, I immediately became numb with a hardened exterior and my body has always felt as it is a vessel and it is protecting what is my inner soul. I felt like they could do what they wanted to my body but they would never get to my soul (sticks and stones will break my bones but words will never hurt me).
Everyone is entitled to their opinion but their opinion is not my belief. They could think what they wanted about me, it was now water off a duck’s back and not significant to me. I have always thought treat people like you would wish to be treated.
I started standing up to my fears and thought “what was the best that can happen to me”, rather than my worst? I turned my negative thoughts into good thoughts and started thinking differently. I started making goals.
Where just over a decade ago I had no direction in the last few years I have started to focus. I have set goals and I know what I want but never found a way to manifest what I wanted until now.
I am paving a path. People’s perceptions and opinions of me no longer matter, I am now in control.
In my lifetime I have come across, some very cruel, rude monstrous people that have had this self-opinionated, self-entitled persona about them that they think they are better than you. I have had people with sarcastic, patronizing, opinionated attitudes try and tell me what to do or who have looked down at me and I now rise above it all, as it is only their opinion and who are they at the end of the day?
I have learned if someone is trying to hurt you, end the conversation and block them. I do not play fire with fire, if someone has an evil tongue, I bite mine. Remember silence speaks a thousand words and the universe will pay them back.
Obviously, I have a long way to go to heal as this is only the start of my journey.
I have now started to delve into brain training and mind control(Neuroplasticity) and will publish my progress over the next few months. I will start a 30-day social experiment on myself starting today 30/05/21 where I will use self-hypnosis and the eye roll technique as well as listening to “Jakes audio” and will document my findings on a daily basis which I will publish at the end of next month.
My goal is to try and stabilize my OCD, my depression, my stress, my anxiety, and my PTSD. Because of all the grief, I have endured over the years, I need to brainwash the mind of my memories. I also want to change my ultimate thinking process to manifest what I want.
Apparantly you need to practice the eye roll technique as in the pdf below:
Once you have mastered the eye roll technique you should find a quiet space to meditate and play the following audio:
You should also watch some of “Jake Ducey’s” motivational videos, which I have added open below , especially if you are going through a difficult period in your life and you are surrounded by negative or toxic people.You too also need to retrain your brain and your thought process and try these relaxation and thought-provoking techniques.
Do check out “Jake Ducey’s” website and start re-training your brain. Jake has been featured on FOX, TEDx, Entrepreneur, HuffPost, and INC, and Penguin Random House. He is a force to be reckoned with: https://jakeducey.com/
Believe it or not, The Central Intelligence Agency (CIA) and the United States Government have been using mind control and the laws of attraction for years.
The CIA technique dubbed the Gateway Experience was essentially described as a training system to bring enhanced strength, focus, and coherence to the amplitude and frequency of brainwave outputs patterns, according to the CIA report, ranged from converting energy to heal one’s body to traveling across space and time to learn and access new information. The CIA approved testing for this under the eyes of US Army Lieutenant Colonel Wayne M McDonnell. The project was classified by the CIA until 2003. McDonnell was commissioned to work on the Gateway Experience in the 1980s at a time in US history when the nation was taking a deep interest in different varieties of psychic research.
Project MKUltra (or MK-Ultra) is the code name given to a program of experiments on human subjects that were designed and undertaken by the U.S. Central Intelligence Agency (CIA), some of which were illegal. Experiments on humans were intended to develop procedures and identify drugs such as LSD to be used in interrogations in order to weaken the individual and force confessions through brainwashing and psychological torture. The project was organized through the Office of Scientific Intelligence of the CIA and coordinated with the United States Army Biological Warfare Laboratories. Other code names for drug-related experiments were Project Bluebird and Project Artichoke.
Investigative efforts were halted by CIA Director Richard Helms’s who ordered that all MKUltra files be destroyed in 1973; the Church Committee and Rockefeller Commission investigations relied on the sworn testimony of direct participants and on the relatively small number of documents that survived Helms’s destruction order. In 1977, a Freedom of Information Act requests uncovered a cache of 20,000 documents relating to project MKUltra which led to Senate hearings later that year.
Some surviving information regarding MKUltra was declassified in July 2001. In December 2018, declassified documents included a letter to an unidentified doctor discussing work on six dogs made to run, turn and stop via remote control and brain implants.
The above document “Analysis and Assessment of Gateway Process”, that also Jake refers to is downloadable, it is available through the following link below: https://jakeducey.com/CIA/
This makes me believe there is a way to manipulate one’s mind using hypnosis and Neuroplasticity tDCs.
Alternatively if you cannot download the document for some reason, then drop us a line.
According to the Hebbian theory(Hebbs Law) is a neuroscientific theory claiming that an increase in synaptic efficacy arises from a presynaptic cell’s repeated and persistent stimulation of a postsynaptic cell. It is an attempt to explain synaptic plasticity, the adaptation of brain neurons during the learning process. It was introduced by Donald Hebb in his 1949 book The Organization of Behavior. The theory is also called Hebb’s rule, Hebb’s postulate, and cell assembly theory. Hebb states it as follows:
Let us just think that the persistence or repetition of a reverberatory activity (or “trace”) tends to induce lasting cellular changes that add to its stability. … When an axon of cell A is near enough to excite a cell B and repea cells firing B, is increased.
New technology has found our brains continue to rewire themselves and never stops changing as we age. The term neuroplasticity can now make it possible to repair our damaged brains.
We have 86 Billion Neurons & Nerve Cells in our Brains, so we need to be able to control how we use them.
Imagine stimulating the brain to stop us feeling physical and mental pain or help us our bodily functions due to some sort of brain damage which has caused us to become physically disabled.
Imagine having mental health or neurological problem such as OCD and having the possibility to re-wire the circuits to stop you from having intrusive thoughts, anxiety, stress, depression, and PTSD, or physical disabilities.
Imagine being able to fix the issues and go back to running a normal life.
Believe it or not, is no longer science fiction it is real and it can be done through wearable non-evasive (TDCS) Transcranial direct current stimulation. What this means is the brain gets painless low intensity direct electrical currents stimulation treatment. A constant current flow is passed through two electrodes placed over the head which modulates neuronal activity.
CEOs are starting to use the technology to supercharge their brains to be able to memorize things better and to fine-tune their knowledge. As with all trending technology many high-flying executives are jumping at the chance of grabbing these devices. At the SHA Wellness Clinic on the southern coast of Spain, business leaders and high-powered diplomats take the opportunity to unwind and relax with healthy food, spa treatments, and brain zapping. “They’re decision-makers and people who have very stressful lives and are aware that they need to reset themselves,” says SHA vice president Alejandro Bataller. “They come to learn more about themselves so they can enjoy optimal vitality and brain activity, and therefore productivity.”
Obviously, as with anything hi-tech, there are concerns about the effectiveness of tDCS, with fears that in the wrong hand, people could do themselves long-term damage with unlicensed or homemade devices. According to Vincent Walsh, a cognitive neuroscientist at University College London stated that “The field, in general, is plagued by low-quality research and publication bias,” Experiments have had small numbers and poor controls that don’t do a good job of eliminating placebo effects. “When we look at tDCS, people have jumped the gun, they have made claims to sell these things to people that are not based on the literature”.
It is debatable if sending electrical currents to the neurons in the brain, makes them more or less likely to fire and creating the desired effects.
“If I had the opportunity to have the treatment with a safe no-evasive wearable device, I would certainly give it a try”.
“My OCD consumes my life and if I thought that using this device could help with OCD, Depression, Anxiety & PTSD I would jump at the chance to give it a go, obviously, I would wait until after all clinical trials were completed and approved by the MHRA and FDA”.
I have watched some videos which I will add at the end, which I hope will give you a better understanding of the possibilities to help with mental health being and physical disabilities.
However ‘Vincent Walsh’ is concerned about the biased published data not actually showing the negative outcome if any from this treatment. He is worried that only positive results are being published.
In 2014, psychologist Nick Davis at the University of Swansea published a paper calling for “extreme caution” in using tDCS and highlighting a number of problems, including a lack of knowledge about long-term side-effects, a lack of clear dosing guidelines, and a dearth of research about how tDCS might impact children.
“Obviously, I am all for trying something new and there is already a range of devices one can purchase, but I am personally concerned how effective they are considering how much money you initially need to buy of these things and what adverse reactions can come from using these things”.
Before searching the internet I will throw caution in the wind as some devices may be available to buy but may pose a risk to your health especially if they have not been clinically proven and do not have the CE stamp which would mean they do not have a license.
The trending high tech medical device on the market is theFlow Neuroscience headset made by a Swedish Company, which was launched last year and has CE approval in the EU and in the UK which means it can be sold as a medical device for the treatment of depression and is being sold in the UK and Sweden. The device is attached to two points on the forehead.
The co-founder Daniel Mansson, a clinical psychologist believes that other devices on the market cannot treat depression.
Flow aims to provide a pharmaceutical-free treatment for long-term depression, which is, in some cases, associated with lower neural activity in the left frontal lobe. The company secured a £1.2m investment from private equity firm Khosla Ventures to fund clinical studies and support a rollout in the UK and EU.
A note on the Flow website warns that it should only be used by people with a medical diagnosis of depression, but no prescription is required to purchase the hefty price tag of £399 per headset. There is no guarantee that it will work 100% for everyone, which would make me think twice before buying it.
The EU has a new regulation that came into force in May 2020 which will ban the sale of wearable devices that haven’t gone through the CE marking process.
However, Vincent Walsh argues that although devices being CE approved does not prove that the product isn’t dangerous, it’s not equivalent to NICE or FDA approval.
‘Vincent Walsh’ accuses ‘Flow Neuroscience’ the company of being biased and cherry-picking from the publication to show only the positive side of the product is effective at treating depression, ignoring more measured and negative randomized control trials and meta-analyses, as well as “individual differences, treatment resistance and depth of depression”.
Would I try it if it was available on the NHS or if the company sent it to me to try and review, possibly, but I would want to know all the adverse effects and see other peoples experiences and make sure that putting a contraption on my head would not fry my brain? I think I would have to wait until it was FDA approved before trying it out.
Flow is working towards FDA approval in the US and is starting talks with the NHS to make the headset available on prescription.
This will not stop perfectly healthy people from being attracted to the brain zapping device.
I know technology is evolving fast with Elon Musk and Brain to Brain telepathy and mind control called Neuralink
Final Thoughts From The Editor
There are other ways of retraining your brain without a drastic measure of sending electrical currents to your brain or drilling holes.
Would I try the Neuralink if it was offered to me, well for the right price with certain conditions that I was able to secure my daughter’s future should something bad happen to me, then maybe I would consider it. If it meant that I would be helping other people with mental health and neurological conditions like myself then at least I would be remembered for that.
Cognitive Behavioural Therapy is a form of treatment for people with mental health disorders. Cognitive-behavioral therapy is a psycho-social intervention that helps to improve mental health. CBT focuses on challenging tasks and changing cognitive distortions and behaviors, improving emotional regulation, and developing personal coping strategies that target solving current problems.
“From what I have learned over the years your mind has to be in the right place you must be at peace with yourself and your demons”.
For years I have struggled with mental health issues mostly as adirect consequence of grief. I have tried cognitive behavioral therapy and found it to be non-effective. I also had a therapist but found talking about remembering things I wanted to forget, not effective either.
I never tried hypnosis and have been curious about its effectiveness. I have seen how patients terrified of flying or spiders were cured using this technique, however, I believe I have fallen between the gaps for the NHS to help me.
In fact, I sent a very private and confidential letter to my GP today and had an autoresponder message to redirect my inquiry to the practice manager.
What happened to data protection and privacy?
I find medication helps to a certain degree, especially with my sleeping, and does keep me from staying calm most of the time, keeping myself busy is also a factor in managing my disability. My mind is always active and I never run out of ideas of doing something new and I can never say I am bored.
Here Are SomeSteps to Retrain Your Brain.
Accept your thoughts and obstacles. Admit to yourself what is troubling you, face your fears.
Make a plan for how you will tackle the obstacles and turn your negative thoughts into positives ones.
Organize your day, keep a planner or diary/journal of things to do.
Admit to yourself what triggers you.
Set a plan to move forward, write done what you want to achieve and set goals, create a personal mantra.
Be thankful for what you have got and be kind to people. Practice daily gratitude.
Help other people, helping others by empowering and motivation will make you a leader. Pay it back.
Find mentors or read books on successful people and network with people that inspire you.
Create a Dream board and visualize what you want from life, practice the law of attraction.
Eat Healthily (your body is your temple, treat it with respect).
Keep yourself busy.
Do crosswords and puzzles.
Write down your thoughts, this could be a diary or online journal.
Write a book.
Start a business.
Appreciate your surroundings and Nature.
Be creative, build lego or Airfix models, try art painting with watercolor, oils, and acrylics.
Make a sculpture.
Code Computer Games.
Learn a Language.
Learn a New Skill.
Get a qualification. It is never too late to learn.
Train as an athlete.
Become a Coach and do public speaking.
Make a legacy so that people can remember you.
Brain train by reading books.
Brain train by playing video games, app games, or play chess.
Grief is a debilitating devastating emotion and it can crush you. Only you will deal with the grief in your own way, there is no right or wrong way and no one can tell you otherwise.
What is grief?
Grief is a natural process that we experience when it comes to the loss of a loved one. Grief is our body’s way of coping with the emotional suffering when someone we love is taken away. We will often have an overwhelming emotion of heart-wrenching heartache.
The initial feeling of coming to terms with such an emotion can be a shock, horror, anger, disbelief, guilt, and profound sadness. Our emotions of grief can cause devasting mental health issues and can also disrupt our physical health.
Dealing with grief may make sleeping more difficult, taking care of our well-being and eating habits even going as far as loss of appetite. It can even cause us to not think properly or clearlyand cause us not to be able to perform mundane tasks, let alone more complex actions.
Dealing with grief are natural responses and emotions which are normal reactions and the more important and significant the loss, the more intense the grief will be.
Different types of Loss.
There are many ways of experiencing grief, it may not necessarily be through death but could be something that causes us to feel helpless and not in control.
Having to lose someone near and dear to you can be a life-changing event and emotion and very debilitating.
Having to learn to cope and to start life over again, not having something or someone around can be challenging and can put our mental abilities to the test.
Different Forms of Loss & Trauma.
Loss of a job
Loss of financial stability and support
Loss of Spouse through divorce
A break-up of a relationship
Loss of health
Death of a Pet
Loss of a Business
Loss of a Friend (breakdown of friendship or death)
Loss of a Parent through Death
Loss of a Sibling through Death
Loss of a Child through Death
Loss of an unborn child – Miscarriage
Loss of a Spouse, a wife, or husband through death (from a sudden event as well as a serious illness)
Loss of a family home due to financial issues or divorce
Loss of your assets because of theft (including sentimental belongings)
Loss of your pride and dignity, self-worth due to physical and mental abuse
Loss of a cherished dream, taken away because of an unexpected financial issue
Loss of your safety net through financial difficulties or mental and physical abuse
Loss of a working environment (workmates) due to retirement or changing jobs
Rape. (Loss of virginity or loss of self-worth due to rape)
Loss of self-worth through Physical and Mental Abuse (Domestic Violence)
Loss of dignity and pride, due to racism and discrimination
Loss of confidence due to humiliation, trust issues, belittlement, betrayal, and other insecurities
Loss of freedom due to incarceration
Loss of Mobility
Loss of Limbs
Loss of Sight
Life events not only are to do with death. Life events can cause us to feel the subtle loss that can trigger a sense of grief and other emotions. For example moving away to a different area due to work or other factors, leaving your school/college/uni friends due to graduation causes us to endure the feeling of separation or simply changing jobs, and leaving your workmates can all cause us to experience sadness.
Our loss is personal.
Our loss is individual and very personal to us, not everyone will understand the feeling of emptiness unless they have experienced it for themselves.
Regardless of your loss, it is personal to you. People may experience resentment, anger, or start blaming themselves if they had done things differently the loss could have been avoided.
When you suffer the loss of a person, animal, relationship, or situation which was significant to you, it can cause intense inner emotional pain of heartache. The heaviness of having a broken heart can slowly heal through therapy.
The pain will never go away but will not feel so intense over time and eventually, time will help you move on with your life.
When we grieve our mental strength can be tested to its limit.
Grieving is a very unique experience and no two losses ever feel the same. There is no ideal way to grieve it is very individual to us and we can only cope with the grieving process by how well we can cope mentally.
Not everyone has a strong mindset some people cannot cope with change regardless of how insignificant it is. In order to overcome grief, there must be an element of time and therapy and having the mental strength to move forward.
Overcoming grief depends on many factors, including your mental well-being, if you have mental health issues this can cause the problem to become worse. Your personality and ability to tackle problems and get around obstacles, your life experiences, your faith, and how significant the loss is will determine how well you heal.
Healing cannot be hurried it is a gradual process and cannot be forced. For some people, they can heal relatively quickly but for some, it may take many years. Healing cannot be measured, in weeks, months, or years, it is a persons mental state of mind that will determine how long it will take to heal.
If you try and ignore grief and not think about the ordeal, it will not go away, you need to find a way to deal with your sadness.
Crying does not mean you are a weak person. In fact, it is good to cry and release sadness and despair.
Putting on a brave face to protect your family and friends does not help anyone in the long run especially if they are grieving the same grief as you. Being open and talking about your feelings are the first steps to recovery.
If however, you are unable to show emotion that also is another way of your body copying, some people cannot show how they feel and end up bottling things up. If you cannot cry that does not mean you do not care any less, everyone has their own unique coping mechanisms.
Moving on with your life does not mean you have forgotten it just means you have re-adjusted to life without your loved ones. Moving on does not mean you have accepted the loss it just means that you can live your life without them, but continue to keep the memory alive.
Everyone will experience the loss of a loved one at some point in their lives. It is part of life itself. When our hearts are broken into smithereens it is sometimes very difficult to put them back together again.
Finding the right help, guidance, and therapy can be useful if the loss of a loved one is sudden. You do not have to do it alone and you can find someone to help you and be your support worker, to help you get through the most difficult times.
Time heals but does not forget!
First Steps to Healing.
Admit you feel sad, do not pretend that you are ok.
Talk about your sadness to your family and friends.
Make an online memorial page where others can share their stories. Create either a website or a Group on Facebook rather than a public page, which means people can share their memories and have the posts approved by a group admin member before they can access the memorial.
Start a diary (virtual or physical) or write a biography about their life.
Create a scrapbook of memories, express your feeling in a creative tangible way. (For me I preserved some leaves from my brother’s oak tree).
Get a park bench with the person’s name (Contact your local council office).
Be creative and make something that will always remind you of them. (put their photo in a locket or charm bracelet or print their image on a keepsake).
Start a foundation or raise awareness, and or give to a charity.
Surround yourself with images of the person or pet you have lost.
Share your memories and celebrate their life through anniversaries.
Understand that the feeling of grief can trigger other emotions (anger, denial, depression, etc).
Take care of yourself even though you find life meaningless (Your body is your temple).
Speak with a GP or Grief Counselor
Know the difference between grief, PTSD, and depression.
Dedicate your life to the person you have lost by public speaking.
The Five Stages of grief
Studies made by psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross in 1969 introduced what would become known as the “five stages of grief.” These stages of grief were based on her research of feelings of patients facing terminal illness. She spoke of:
It must be noted that not everyone who grieves goes through all of these five stages of grief. In some cases, people have been known not to experience any of these emotions and have managed to heal.
Elizabeth Kübler-Ross never intended for these stages to be a rigid framework that applies to everyone who mourns. In her last book before her death in 2004, she said of the five stages of grief: “They were never meant to help tuck messy emotions into neat packages. They are responses to lose that many people have, but there is not a typical response to loss, as there is no typical loss. Our grieving is as individual as our lives.”
Grief can be an ocean tears of emotions.
People in the early stages of grief may feel intense numbness or sadness and as time progresses the ocean of emotions can be high tidal waves and ebbing flowing lows. It takes time to overcome loss, with some people never fully recovering at all. Even years after a loss, especially on anniversaries, special places, special events such as holidays like Christmas and family reunions, and birthdays, the emptiness of not having the person present can be very upsetting.
Symptoms of grief
IntenseDevastating Shock and Disbelief, not being able to accept the loss.
Paralyzing Numbness of what has happened and you feel cold without and emotion or empathy.
Denial, that it is just a bad dream it has not happened and you are still expecting them to show up even in reality that they are gone. You look for them in a crowded place. (I once saw a homeless man that looked the spitting image of my brother and I gave him money and bought him food).
Anger, of why you lost someone as opposed to someone else losing someone.
Blame, Blaming yourself, had you have done things differently that this could have been avoided or not doing enough.
Questioning yourself, questioning your sanity, are you going crazy for feeling so low and questioning your faith and God.
Sadness, emptiness, despair, deep loneliness, and yearning.
Guilt, having said something that you wish you could have unsaid, feeling relieved that the person has gone and is not suffering or the guilt of not doing enough to prevent them from dying.
Fear, of how, will you cope without them emotionally and being alone as well as coping financially, how will you be able to live without them.
Anger, you may feel disdain for everyone around you because they are living and breathing and your loved one is not. Even feeling resentful to the doctors that should have done more to save the person.
Abandonment, feeling angry because the person has abandoned you even though you would have given your life for them.
Robbed, feeling like the person has been stolen from you and an injustice has been done.
Physical & Mental symptoms of grief.
Fatigue, grief can manifest in many ways, some people feel very tired and just want to curl up in a ball and sleep all the time and not do anything else, hoping that life will be different when they wake or sleep because life is pointless to stay awake and do anything.
Insomnia, some people simply cannot sleep, they overthink and may be up all night worrying and obsessing.
Isolation, some people isolate and no longer wish to be sociable. (This is me in a nutshell)
Depression, intense sadness 24/7 that you cannot shake, whilst others are inconsolable and cry all the time.
Weight, grief can also affect your physical health by either make you gain weight or lose weight.
Substance Abuse, some people start smoking, drinking, or take recreational drugs just to numb out the hollowness and loneliness they are feeling.
Lowered Immunity, poor diet, and other physical attributes can cause lowered immunity which in turn causes the person to be susceptible to other illnesses.
Mental Illness, grief can also lead to anxiety, stress, depression, and PTSD, the trauma of losing a loved one can also cause mental illnesses such as OCD.
Coping with grief is always a very delicate matter and it is your own personal preference how to try to deal with it. Talking to your friends and family is always a good idea as well as your GP and Health Professional that are expert in grief counseling. The relief of talking to someone can help lessen the burden of your loss. Listening to other people’s recollections and memories of the person that has died help you to find closure.
However, if you turn to friends they may not be able to help you as you would expect especially if they have never experienced grief themselves.
Close friends in particular often do want to help but don’t know-how, if they have not experienced death firsthand.
If you need help with arranging funeral directors, planning a wake, and sorting out finances then appoint someone that can manage all your affairs, they do not necessarily have to be a friend but a funeral planner company that offers the services. Understand that some people may feel awkward about helping so turning to a professional institution can help take some of the stress away.
People who have never experienced death will not understand what you are going through they can second guess but until they experience it for themselves they may not be able to give you the full support you need.
Not having the right support can make things difficult if your friends are unsure how to comfort you and they may feel like they are walking on eggshells in the fear of saying or doing something wrong. This is why it is good to speak with a professional or join a group.
If you are religious try to turn to your faith to find peace, alternatively if you are questioning your faith and God go to your church and arrange a talk with the clergy. People find going to church and praying or spending time at the graveside comfort.
There are many social media support groups that you can join as well as finding physical meeting places. If you want to interact physically or virtually, take the first steps to counsel and sharing your sorrow with people who have experienced similar loss as you. . To find a bereavement support groups in your area, contact local hospices, funeral homes, and counseling centers.
Acknowledging you will never see your loved one again will help you heal and ease some of the pain. Acknowledge your feeling, of sorrow, despair, loneliness, and intense sadness. Understand that this is normal and you have to experience it to move on. Typical denial is trying to avoid or acknowledging and refusing to talk about and hiding away. This can lead to complications such as depression, anxiety, substance abuse, and health problems. The first step is acknowledging you will never see that person again.
Honour their life.
Plan ahead of anniversaries, make a memorial, something people can reflect and remember. Build a celebration of life events your loved one had and allow the people that knew them to join in.
Your Personal Health
Your mental and physical health is paramount. Your body is your temple therefore you should treat it like one. Get enough sleep, maintain a healthy diet, exercise regularly, and avoid substance abuse to numb the pain. If we have a healthy body we will also help to have a healthy mind.
Complicated Grief is like being stuck in an intense paralyzed state of mourning. You may not be able to accept the death and you end up obsessed andpreoccupied with the person who died which in turn disrupts your daily routine and causes problems in your other relationships.
Complicated Grief includes:
An obsessed feeling of intense longing and yearning for the loss of your loved one. Living and breathing just the person you have lost, looking and searching for anything written about them. Talking about them 24/7 in an obsessed way.
Intrusive thoughts or images of your loved one. (I have a problem with anything to do with water, like rivers and whirlpools, and cannot watch anything to do with drowning or look at images).
Panic attacks, reliving the trauma over again.
Nightmares, constant nightmares of the ordeal or the person and the circumstances.
Denial and a sense of disbelief, not coming to terms with the fact the person has actually gone. Refusing to acknowledge they have actually gone.
Avoiding, mentioning their name or the places they once went to or avoiding looking and touching things that remind you of them. (I cannot physically go back to and visit the street where my family home once wasbecause it brings back too many painful memories).
Anger and bitterness, over your loss of your loved one, hating the world and everyone in it. (I personally experienced this especially when my mum passed away, I hated the world but I am over it now, I do have different anger now where my brother is laid to rest, which I was not consulted over).
Feelingthat life is pointless and that there is no reason to carry on. (Suicidal Thoughts).
If your loved one died an unexpected sudden death either a heart attack or something that was an accident, violent or disturbing you may be experiencing complicated grief which can manifest as psychological trauma or PTSD, (my brother died by drowning).
The sudden loss of a loved one where you have had no time to prepare for their passing means you will experience intense crushing shock. It will feel the whole world is falling apart around you and you are sinking. It will make you feel helpless and you will be struggling with upsetting irrational emotions, memories, and anxiety that won’t go away, if this is the case you will have been traumatized.
Knowing the difference between grief and depression
Thinking and obsessing over a person 24/7, week in week out is called depression. If you are consumed by the loss and nothing else matters and no matter what you do you cannot shake the feeling of contestant emptiness and despair you have depression and you need to speak with your GP as soon as possible. Knowing the difference between grief and clinical depression isn’t always easy as they share many similar attributes. When you’re in the middle of the grieving process, you will still have moments of pleasure or happiness, depending on how intense and complicated your grief is. With depression the feelings of emptiness and despair are constantand if it consumes your life 24/7 you need to seek help from a Health Professional.
Symptoms of Depression.
An intense, sinking feeling of hopelessness.
An obsession that you cannot step out of (which could be an obsession about the person who has departed or the obsession about death).
Suicidal Thoughts, or a preoccupation with dying or planning ways how to die.
Hopelessness or worthlessness.
Feeling fatigued and lethargic.
Slow speech and body movements, because you have no need to rush.
Not being able to function properly, (at home, at work, and/or at school/college or University). It could also be not being able to make important decisions or manage finances.
Imagination, Seeing, or hearing things that aren’t there.
Medication is usually prescribed for people who have depression, anxiety, stress disorders, insomnia, and mental health problems as well as physical illnesses. In most cases, grief does not warrant the use of antidepressants unless the grief is intense and complicated. Sometimes people who are inconsolable may be prescribed valium to calm them down or other sedatives. For people who have intense grief that is inconsolable, they may be referred to a counselor for grief therapy.
It is unadvisable to self-medicate or to use recreational substances such as alcohol or drugs as numbing the pain only prolongs the grief process rather than helping the person come to terms and heal. It is like putting a band-aid on a gaping wound and when they sober up the reality of the fact is still there.
Seeking Professional Help.
If the pain is unbearable and you feel your world is crashing down around you you need to seek professional help straight away. If you leave your symptoms untreated, complicated grief and depression can lead to significant mental health issues and emotional damage, life-threatening health problems, and even suicide.
Contact a grief counselor or professional therapist if you:
If you feel you cannot cope and your life is crashing down around you and cannot perform simple tasks or manage to make important or even simple decisions.
If you are obsessing over the person 24/7, week in week out, and your life is consumed with every thought of the person that has died.
If you feel like life isn’t worth living anymore because the person is no longer in your life.
If you wish you had died with your loved one.
If you are having suicidal thoughts.
If you blame yourself for the loss or not doing enough to prevent them from dying.
If you feel total numbness to society and prefer to disconnect from people and isolate yourself.
Note From The Editor.
In my lifetime I have experienced death many times from when I was little I paid my respects to a boy in an open upright coffin, who had fallen from a cherry tree in Poland, I think I was 10 at the time. Then a family friend died approximately 12 hours before his wedding from a heart attack something like eleven years later and I had to console his fiance. When I came to Wales and worked at the Holiday Resort in Barry Island (Majestic Centre) in 1992, I had to console a holidaymaker’s wife and son because the husband had a heart attack and died.
Then in 1992 a close friend of mine, a very beautiful successful singer who toured Europe and was famous in a band in Germany but came back to live in Wales, committed suicide in Dinas Powys.
Years later I then experienced personal grief where my father passed away in 2004 and then my mother in 2007 and then the most crushing and devasting blow was when my brother in 2010 died in a freak accident and most recently my ex-husband only last week 16/05/21
For me, the coping process is to surround myself with photos and memories of the people I have lost and to keep their memory alive by talking and writing about them.
This is my way of coping as even after the passing of both my parents and my brother I am still grieving in my own way and occasionally when I have time to reflect I am consumed with intense sadness but find keeping myself busy and not having time to think helps me to carry on.
Most recently my ex-husband passed away and again I feel sadness as I always cared about him and never stopped. (I wrote a memorial post expressing my feelings it was my way of coping with the sad news, I do not think I needed permission for that as it is part and parcel of the grieving process and everyone’s grief is differentand how you cope is entirely your choice).
The news was shocking to me that he had died. I thought I had time to make amends as that was my ultimate goal. I am now consumed with guilt and regret that I should have reached out when I had the opportunity, I just took him for granted he would always be around and that I had plenty of time.
I have learned you do not know what is around the corner waiting for us and building bridges is a must if you do not want to have regrets. Finding forgiveness and putting all indifferences aside are the first steps to healing and moving on.
There is no time like the present to say “sorry”, what is done is done you cannot turn back the clock but you can move forward, saying “I love you” can mean a lot and may make a difference, also remember to create memories.
For me, I have experienced complicated sudden death five times and I have also experienced one particular emotion of anger.
My anger still manifests inside of me eleven years on, because of the circumstances where my brother was laid to rest. I was not consulted on the location other than it was the Woodland Trust and where his ashes are it is no longer ‘Woodland Trust Land’ but private land as I believe the land changed hands within the last few years.
Not only that my anger festers inside over something someone once said to me about six months after my mother’s passing “so how long are you going to expect to grieve for?” I never forgot those words and never have forgotten the person that said them to me (J.M). The words were cutting and heartless and it was like rubbing salt into a gaping wound.
So in order for me to ever pay my respects to my brother or visit the oak tree is no longer possible. Some will say his spirit has left and is now just energy surrounding us and in a way, I do agree but it also nice to have a place to go to remember the person and to reflect. Maybe in time, I may find the strength to forgive but as it stands I still have the anger embedded in my soul.
My brother in his will said he wanted his ashes buried in woodland but never said exactly where. I am sure there is a ‘Woodland Trust’ where my parents are buried. I was told the reason for the location was it was my brother and his partner’s special place they visited often. What about his family that obviously did not matter? The location is nowhere near ‘Lake Windermere’ but in the middle of a field on the outskirts.
His partner at the time took it upon herself to make the arrangements without consulting me. Having his ashes in the middle of a field approximately 257 mi (413 km) is not ideal and now is virtually impossible to visit. I have other grievances but will focus on the subject of grief.
I am now carrying the emotion of guilt and regret that I should have reached out to my ex-husband sooner and told him how I really felt.
I have also experienced other types of grief not to do with death, such as relationship breakups, divorce, losing a business, loss of self worth due to physical and emotional abuse, loss of dignity, loss of assets. I won’t go into everything individually but I have carry many war wounds.
I suffer from clinical depression and OCD it is manageable with the medication I take. I have been on my medication for many years now, I am now looking into neuroplasticity as a form of treatment.
This is a sad post but it is my way of coming to terms with my mentor, someone I looked up to and respected and someone I learned a lot from.
Dealing with death the fifth time round should be a walk in the park for me but I can tell you it is not.
To think that I lost a good friend to suicide, lost both my parents and my brother and now my ex-husband feels like I have been robbed all over again. The feeling is so very final, you cannot pick the phone and talk to them you cannot say sorry or that you love them. The feeling is sheer cold, dark, hollow emptiness.
The feeling is like no other it is of great sadness and despair. The feeling is also very angry and hostile one and it makes you question life and all of life’s trivialities.
The feeling is of guilt and regrets and for me not being able to speak to my ex-husband again is heartbreaking the second time around the first when we split up and the second time is now. Perhaps it was never meant to be, perhaps this was destiny’s way of saying this was how it ends?
The last time I spoke to my ex-husband was 14 years ago where he came to tell me his son had died in a car accident. He was not alone and the person he was with was not welcome but it was the right thing to do to accommodate her under the circumstances.
You take people for granted and you expect them to be around forever and I thought I had time to finish my autobiography and tell him and the world what actually happened and how I actually felt and am still feeling.
In truth, he was my knight in shining armor and things could have been different, but I guess things happen for a reason.
I wanted to tell him I was sorry for hurting him and although we have social media I wanted to tell him to his face.
I knew I had hurt him because of his behavior straight after, but he had also hurt me too. Two wrongs do not make a right but I wanted closure on something I thought I had plenty of time to say. We never had the opportunity then to talk because of all the animosity surrounding our break-up.
I did not know he was termininally ill until recently. I knew nothing.
Prior to his passing, I left a voice message on his phone, I guess he never got to listen to it 🙁 Perhaps he had even changed his number, again I do not know that either.
After our divorce, he did not want me to carry his name. I changed my name by Deed Poll from (MRS) to (MS) but still kept his name. After our divorce he got want he wanted briefly I was a ‘Maziak’ again but then decided to revert back to what would have been my married name. I will use his name with honor and pride. My name is the double barrel and although one is foreign and difficult to remember, pronounce and spell I use his surname for business. People know how to spell ‘Barnes’ as opposed to ‘Maziak’ and that is how it will stay.
So yesterday evening 16th May 2021 I was informed my ex-husband had passed away peacefully in the afternoon. At first I was stunned as if I had been winded and tried to hold enough composure not to break down.
I then decided I was going to have an early night (which is unusual for me) at around 9 pm and took my sleeping tablet and what would normally knock me out within half an hour, I found I was still wide awake 6 hours later, thinking about him and listening to ‘Stevie Wonder’ his favorite recording artist with tears streaming down my face.
I played a few songs he used to play to me “I Just Called To Say I Love You” whenever he was out on the road in the early days of our relationship, and “Yester Me -Yester You”. Plus one other song I had dedicated to him and played it to him as it reminded me of him (Heaven Must Have Sent You -The Elgins). I will add the songs to the end of this post.
He was a true gentleman through and through and at the beginning of our relationship up until we got married in 1998 for the first five years (1993 to 1998), he would give me flowers week in week out without fail.
After we got married. things changed and our marriage went pear-shaped, I will always remember and blame the phone call I received 2 days after we got married from a female security guard who wrecked our marriage. Not everyone knows the full story of our breakup and people blame me even though the truth is this woman single handily was to blame. Everyone will know the truth.
I will try not to say too much on here right now but he was my best friend and he was my knight in shining armor.
I never imagined I would never have the opportunity to speak to him again. I had hidden away from him and did not want to be found because I thought why should he know about my life when he was not in it and now my master plan backfired as I have come to realize it is now too late to turn back the clock.
Things could have turned out so differently had we have tried to salvage our marriage, although the health issues that he had, the ending would have still been the same.
With grief, it is good to keep the memory going and keep talking about the person as if they have never left.
For me writing down fond memories will be a constant reminder of people who have gone away.
My book makes reference to everyone that I lost through death and from relationship breakups. It also mentions everyone that has caused me grief. Grief is not just about death it could be a broken-down marriage. Grief is the feeling of having no control and that nothing you can do or say can change things. Grief is the end of life or the end of a relationship it is final.
I have so many unanswered questions and hopefully, one day I may get to learn the answers to them. I hope if his family read this they will know I did care. In fact, I never stopped.
One of the most frustrating experiences is having to wait. We wait to catch a bus or train. We wait in traffic jams. We wait at the doctor’s surgeries or job interviews. We wait at the car mechanic garages. We wait, and wait and wait some more.
However, people who have anxiety find waiting to be very overwhelming. An example of this is waiting for the phone to ring, waiting for a text message, or waiting for someone to arrive.
One needs patience to wait. One need s to have a high tolerance threshold and people who suffer from anxiety and depression do experience short fuses. Waiting for an answer, feeling uncertain and insecure, and not having any confidence are all contributing factors to having anxiety that can feel like torture.
For me as an example on the 1st of this month gone, I get a text message from my landlord that he wants to call round to sign a new tenancy agreement, even though I had already told him I was feeling unwell and was not up to visitors, even going as far as sending him to free digital signature software to sign documents online. Anyway, he insists he wants to do this face to face, even though I want as little human interaction as possible in which he is oblivious to my request and it has simply gone over his head. So the text message said he will be calling around and I replied he needed to give me some notice and now everything has gone silent….
I just want it over and done with and do not want it hanging over my head. I do not want to see him and the anxiety of the anticipation of his arrival is driving me crazy, not only that he is bringing someone with him as a witness, so even more human interaction.
Many people lose their patience, become bored, anxious, and angry. I personally am fuming. Not only has he increased my rent he also wants to be demanding and turn up even though I have told him I am unwell.
The amount of time that passes while waiting is often a matter of perception. One of the factors that can make a wait feel endless is awareness of time. A minute can feel like a second or vice versa if you are anxious it can feel like an eternity. If you have ever watched the clock timer on a microwave count down, you can see how time drags.
If waiting is partly a matter of perception, there are things you can do to make the time go faster.
1. If you know you have to wait at a bus or train station bring something with you to occupy your mind. This can be a book and iPad or knitting. This type of distraction will help and make you feel less likely to feel bored and restless and agitated.
2. If you are stuck in a traffic jam, listen to music or the news while keeping an eye on the road. Music helps to calm you down and soothe your emotions.
3. Standing in line in a queue before social distancing one could start small talk and chat with the next person, but with the pandemic regulations it has become more difficult and one needs to have patience in slow-moving lines at the post office or bank. The best way now to pass the time is to go on your phone (providing you have a smartphone).
4. Practicing deep breathing and muscle relaxation exercises, (these can be done without attracting attention), can relieve a lot of anxiety and stress and improve self-control. This can be done indoors and outdoors and I am finding I am taking a leaf out of my book with this as I really want to pick up the phone to my landlord and yell profanities.
Obviously, in the ideal world, you should not become enraged. However, people who have mental health issues such as I find it hard to control their anger. Getting mad only makes matters worse and I have no choice but to ride the tide. Getting angry will not speed up time and will only result in raised blood pressure, ulcers, and, ultimately, heart disease and even worse a heart attack.
For me venting my anger out via my blogs helps to ground me and get things off my chest.
What is your way of dealing with waiting and do you have patience and how do you cope?
Resentment (also called ranklement or bitterness) is a multilayered complex of emotions that collectively are the feeling of disappointment, disgust, anger, and fear. Psychologists have come to the conclusion that it is a mood or a secondary emotion (including cognitive elements) that can be elicited in the face of insult and/or injury. It is a generalized defense mechanism against unfair situations or incidents.
Resentment is a festering feeling of bitterness and anger. Have you ever had the feeling that lingers in the back of your mind how something or someone has done you wrong and you cannot forgive or forget?
In my lifetime especially in the last 30 years, I have had a build-up of resentment to individuals and institutions that has manifested in bulk. As time goes on and more incidents happen because of a domino effect the more rage I have which then festers.
The fire is not full-blown flames but more a smoldering ember that remains hot and could reignite at any time.
I won’t bore you with all the details but I have had one particular person asked me about six months after my mother’s death where I was not thinking properly “how long do I expect to grieve“? Fifteen years later I am still grieving and the said individual who said this I hope they rot in hell for being so uncaring and shallow. Granted the circumstances of this particular incident could have been handled better by me but I was not in the right frame of mind to execute any plans as I was trying to cope with grief. Then two years ago I was traumatized by another person (no relation to me but someone of authority trying to mock my disability (PIP)again this will all be revealed in my book.
Moving on to the present time another person is on my radar that is a leech stuck to my daughter. I disapprove of him and no matter if he jumped through hoops I would still resent him because I believe the feeling is mutual and he is doing everything to drive a wedge between my daughter and I.
I believe the only way you can hurt a person is through their pocket. There is a saying “he who laughs last, laughs the longest”. Watch how I do not support my daughter financially if she chooses this person. Why should he benefit from my hard-earned money? Why should he get a penny from me?
The same goes for my deceased brother’s partner who inherited the whole of his estate after he passed away. Why should I give her the time of day when the sheer greed of her wealth has made her think she is another league to me.
I have a lot of resentment towards her for dumping my brother’s ashes out in the middle of nowhere which once belonged to the Woodland Trust but now is private land with no way of paying my respects even if I wanted to as I could be done for trespassing, not only that it is virtually impossible to reach and for claiming every last penny of a pension that a company reached out to me initially for. I have resentment towards her when I was in a very abusive relationship and asked her if I could come and stay at hers and she then went off the radar never to phone or text to see how I was.
Sure some people find it is awkward if someone asks them for help but if they are decent human beings they will help and not turn their back on a person.
I have no respect for her and I hope that her wealth is short-lived and only brings her more unhappiness. The domino effect is she has moved another man into what was my brother’s house and this man is living off the aftermath of my brother’s death.
The domino effect was my brother having his contract not renewed by a luxury car manufacturer which caused my brother to go to Ecuador to save the rain forest but unfortunately could not save himself. Had the car manufacturer kept him on he would most probably be alive today.
The other domino effect was if my brother’s partner had helped out when I went to her for help I would not have had my ribs broken, my knee dislocated and chemicals sprayed into my eyes, never mind the long list of other things that I have suppressed.
The domino effect for my daughter not being offered a place in her first choice of University because of the stress can cause her to have an MS relapse.
There should be a domino effect law with consequences if things go wrong.
The domino effect of my landlord not hardwiring his electrical points causing me to cook with Gas rather than Electric. The domino effect of my landlord does not double glazing my flat causing my money to filter through the single glazed windows allowing draughts and me to feel extremely cold in the winter months. The domino effect of me feeling extremely stressed because of his actions.
I believe in helping people, if you cannot help because you don’t want to, you are not a decent human being. Helping does not have to be materialistic or physical it could be guidance, advice, and support.
I also resent people in power demanding extortionate amounts of money to survive whilst the rest of the world has to struggle to make ends meet.
Do people that think they are better than you s@#t gold or p@# champagne? Is their blood any different from ours? They still have to do all the same things we do, like eat, sleep, go to the bathroom, work and breathe the same air. Just because you have a high-powered job or have a title does not make you any better, you are still a human being at the end of the day.
Here are 5 steps to release and let go of resentment:
Confront your resentment
Find ways to overcome your resentment
Try to forgive
Be grateful for what you have and not what you have lost
Note From the Editor
For me, I might find peace to a certain degree but I will never forgive and will never forget. There is a saying “hell hath no fury as a woman scorned“.
People may say I hold grudges, my answer to that is I move on from the ordeal and do not dwell or hold grudges, but learn from them and will never forget and will not forgive. If someone is looking for forgiveness they should turn to the lord (if you believe) and not to me. People only have one chance to redeem themselves. One cannot repeat the same mistakes over and over. You are either a Hollywood friend or a true friend and I am now an expert at reading people, hence I keep my distance.
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