Category: Online Journal 2020 (Page 1 of 2)

A daily diary of my health conditions, my business, my highs and my lows. My news and reviews and my recommendations. My goals and my achievements. My celebrations aswell my disappointments. My struggles and my motivation.

What is Narcissism

What is Narcisissism.

Narcissism is a PERSONALITY DISORDER, it is defined by the pursuit of POWER wanting other people to see you as IMPORTANT. Seeking gratification for everything you do including ooking for COMPLIMENTS AND ADMIRATION from a personal self-image to being RECOGNISED for the things you may do. It is the feeling that you love yourself so much that you expect others to love you too and in the same way. A Narcissitic person wants to be NO 1 in everything they do and wants CONTROL of his/her surroundings. The term originated from Greek mythology, where a young man named Narcissus fell in love with his own image reflected in a pool of water.

Todays post was prompted by a comment that was made on another post which got me thinking I should write about Narcissism as this has affected me personally and over the years I tried to evaluate this particular individual that essentially tried to control me.

At first this person who will remain nameless for now was introduced to me by a friend. My first impressions was I did not like him, call it a gut feeling if you will. However it was at the time where I was feeling alone and wanting deperately, someone, anyone to comfort me as I had lost both my parents in a short space of time. It was after several meetings through my social circles I had, I met this person again.

The first time I met him he was very drunk and the times after that he was sober but it was a favour for a friend I ended up meeting him alone (Jan 2010 – all will be revealed in my book). Pleasantly surprised, I found him charming and funny and thought perhaps I had read him wrong and gave him another chance.

It was not long after we started dating and being extremely naive at the time it did not cross my mind that he was interested in me as I had inherited a lot of money. However tragedy struck again within a month of me dating him when I lost my brother.

I felt my life was falling apart and needed someone to help me hold it together.

Obviously being fairly well off I was able to fund holidays abroad and it was most probably four months into our relationship I experienced the first outburst. I brushed it off as I thought maybe he was having an off day as most people do not see eye to eye at some point in their relationship and I just thought it was a one off incident.

He showed no signs of being narcissistic until most probably a year later where he would start to question everything I did and who I was with and the first serious incident was when he sprayed an concoction of chemicals in my eyes and temporarily blinded me.

I will be the first person to admit I was very stupid with what played out after, as I refused to press charges against him. I thought I could reason with him, CHANGE HIM and make him learn from his mistakes, I even suggested therapy, how wrong was I, as it was three year after the first major incident he struck again this time kicking my knee seven times until it dislocated and to this day I now have problems with it and will have to have an operation to have it fixed. I even tried analysing his background as I noticed people in his birthplace very abusive to their partners which made think this is their way of life. His mother even admitted to being abusive to her disabled husband when he was alive, so it could even be a trait copied from his mother.

Obviously he did other things in between these incidents, in which it is all now very difficult to recall and buried deep, but I have logged all the evidence as the incidents occurred at the time, just to protect myself.

What did I learn from this:

  1. Never trust anyone implicitly.
  2. Do not believe you can change a person because you can’t.
  3. The first signs of any abuse find a way to end the relationship.
  4. Have an escape plan.
  5. Tell everyone, friends and family about this person.
  6. Isolate yourself from this person. Have an escape plan.
  7. Know the signs especially if the perpetrator shows no empathy.
  8. Do not make excuses for the narcissist, do not make excuses to yourself saying this was a one off incident or the person will change, because they won’t.
  9. Recognise all the traits.
  10. Empower yourself with confidence and start to love yourself again.

For me I have not really reflected on how I have felt as I buried it under tonnes of work and have always kept myself busy in order not to think and dwell on the past. The past is history and if anything it tought me a life lesson in which I can safetly say I will never be in the same situation again and can forewarn others through my own personal experience. I was stupid and naive to put up with all the BS and all the abuse I endured, I was in a viscious cycle everytime time something happened I would say to myself next time it will not happen but next time alway did. Eventually one day I said enough is enough and have not looked back since. Kicking my knee was what broke the camel’s back so to speak and I was lucky as it could have been a totally different story.

The traits to look out for are:

  1. Lack of Empathy. “The inability to identify with or recognise the experiences and feelings of other people. Everything is about them and belongs to them,”. When I asked the perpertrator to explain why he did the things that he did, he could not give me an answer, did not show guilt or remorse and was unapologetic.
  2. Manipulation. The ability to twist the situation to better suit their narrative is a poignant personality trait that all egotistical people possess. The perpertrator managed to always blame me for everything that he was not happy with. He would judge me all the time.
  3. Projection. Projection is a defence or an unconscious pattern that occurs when the person feels psychologically threatened, they will then accuse you of doing something to throw the linelight off themselves, a good example is the person who is cheating accuses his partner of cheating. He used to always accuse me of being unfaithful.
  4. Emotionally cold. I said earlier in a reponse to a comment that I was cold as ice, but what I failed to say I also have empathy, I do have feelings and I know when I am wrong. My life experience has made more thick skinned and if say someone critises me I just take that as their own opinion. Theres a saying “what does not kill you makes you stronger”. An emotionally cold or distant trait normally surfaces during arguments when one person is experiencing and expressing significant emotion and the narcissistic person just lets your emotions go over his/her head and does not respond, giving you a cold shoulder. This essentially makes you feel alone and unloved.
  5. Gaslighting. Doing things deliberately in order to question yourself, whilst taking the onus off themselves. Gaslighting term first arose from the 1930’s play Gas Light, where a husband, in an attempt to drive his wife crazy, kept turning down the gas-powered lights in the house. When the wife asked why he is dimming the lights, he denied it and said they were no dimmer. Over time the wife would start to question herself and eventually found herself going mad. “Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse that involves denying a person’s experience and making statements, such as ‘that never happened’ or ‘you are too sensitive”,
  6. Never Taking Responsibility. Knowing when you are wrong and admitting to your wrong doings or flaws makes us the bigger person, however with narcissists it is the polar opposite. A narcissist is a master of his/her own illusion and will try to avoid the blame with lying, cheating etc. A narcissist will make up complex excuses and rationalise anything, just so that they are left to blame.
  7. Controlling. The definition of controlling partner means that in most common manifestations of their relationship the narcissist will monitor your whereabouts at all times, checking your emails and text messages, criticising your appearance, and making nearly all important decisions, with little regard for your opinion. In my case not matter have immaculately I dressed and kept my appearance I was always critised and called names. I had my phone taken off me (If I did not give him what he wanted I would get physically abused) and he would post and invite his ex girlfriends onto my Facebook. He would check to see who I was meeting and check my text messages.
  8. Grandiose. Grandiosity is a pattern in which a person tends to exaggerate accomplishments, talents, connections, and experiences. In the case of my abuser he told tails about his past life but I never really believed in anything he said. The narcissist usually do not have to be real experiences, grandiose people tend to maintain over-the-top fantasy worlds. Grandiosity can also be manifested by a sense of self-importance, a belief that their existence is bigger and more important than anyone else’s and certainly more important than yours.
  9. Panic. A narcisist will panic if you threaten to break up or leave them, ss soon as you back away, a narcissist will try that much harder to keep you in their lives. They will do everything and anything to shower you with affection, they will say all the right things to make you think they have changed so that you never leave them and the cycle continues round and round until oneday day you say enough is enough.
  10. Mentally & Physically Abusive. Aswell as playing mind games a narcissist may also become physically violent in order to have control over you. When this happens do not hang around and have an exit plan to get away. In my case I stopped my abuser visiting me and changed the locks, I also showed him all the evidence I have collated and what I will do with it should he ever try to come near me again. So far touch wood it has worked. If you live with your abuser you must make an exit plan where you can grab a bag and run. Make a list of people you can confide in, set up secret codes. Fill your bag with important documents passports, money etc. Just take the essentials so that you can escape to somewhere safe. Or wait for them to leave and change the locks and call the police. For me my abuser is out of my life and I have seen he has moved on as he is in a relationship with someone else, which means he no longer has any use for me.

A narcissist will only move on when they find someone else they can prey on.

That is why narcissists are not loyal and are more likely to play the field. A narcissist can never find love as they are never satisfied with what they have and will always be looking for something better.

What is Anxiety

What is Anxiety.

Believe it or not everyone suffers from Anxiety at some point in their lives. It is the most NORMAL psychological feeling anyone can have.

However, when a person regularly feels disproportionate levels of anxiety, it may be due to an underlying condition in which it becomes a mental health disorder.

Anxiety disorders are categorised through medical health diagnoses that can lead to excessive nervousness, fear, apprehension, and worry.

For example I am suffering with anxiety today, the lack of reassurance and with no support system in place to tell me everything will be ok is causing me to over think and worry.

I have no motivation and my concentration levels are easily broken by distracted intrusive thoughts. The persisting feeling of uncertainty and what my landlord is planning to do or not do is making me very ill right now.

Yes I know I can report my landlord for not doing his job properly but with that there is a domino effect, a consequence to an action and I do not want to risk loosing my home. I also do not want court battles etc as I have no energy. I need to stay focused which is the most important thing in my life, my business.

I do take medication but I only take it about an hour before I go to sleep as I do not want to feel zonked out and drowsy during the day.

I live on Monster White Ultra Energy Drinks to keep me awake.

Anxiety Mental Health disorders alter how a person processes thought and emotions. Mild anxiety might be unoticeable to an onlooker yet still might be unsettling to the sufferer, whilst severe anxiety may cause serious psychological problems where the sufferer may show obvious signs which affect their day-to-day living.

Anxiety disorders affects over 40 million people in the United States alone. In 2013, there were 8.2 million cases of anxiety in the UK. In England women are almost twice as likely to be diagnosed with anxiety disorders as to men (Men have difficulty asking for help). However there are many people that fall through the cracks and are left untreated. People who suffer with anxiety are more prone to turning to alcohol or substance abuse such as recreational drugs etc to relieve the build up of tension.

We first need to recognise the difference between normal feelings of anxiety and an anxiety disorder requiring medical attention.

When an sufferer faces potentially harmful or worrying triggers, these feelings of anxiety are not only normal but necessary for survival.

The feeling of anxiety causes a rush of adrenalin, a hormone and chemical messenger in the brain, which in turn triggers these anxious reactions in a process called the “fight-or-flight’ response. These alarms become noticeable in the form of a raised heartbeat (palpitations), sweating, and increased sensitivity to surroundings.

From as early on as stoneage we have adapted a protection mechanism whereby running from large animals and imminent danger caused us to have feelings of anxiety. As humans we have evolved and our surrounding have changed, we may not be in danger from the animal kingdom but more so from a concrete jungle. Anxieties now revolve around work, money, family life, health, and other pressing issues that demand a person’s attention without necessarily requiring the ‘fight-or-flight’ reaction.

People are more aware about the dangers surrounding them yet insecurities do play an active role that allows the sufferer to bring up barriers which is essential to our survival. Anxiety of being involved in a road traffic accident for example will make the sufferer be more vigilant and careful whilst driving.

The sufferer may develop physical symptoms, such as increased blood pressure and nausea and headaches.

The APA The American Psychological Association defines a person with anxiety disorder as “having recurring intrusive thoughts.” Once the sufferer experiences anxiety reaching this stage of a disorder, it can may well interfere with day to day ability to function properly and will need medical attention.

Symptoms

The symptoms of generalized anxiety disorder (GAD) will often include the following:

  • a feeling of restlessness or being “on-edge”
  • a feeling of uncontrollable worry
  • a feeling of insecurities
  • a feeling of agitation
  • a feeling of intense anger
  • a feeling of little or no patience and increased irritability
  • a feeling of little or no concentration
  • a problem sleeping, such as insomnia or the polar opposite of wanting to sleep all day
  • a feeling of hopelessness and that nothing matters any more
  • the lack of motivation
  • the lack of energy
  • stop taking care of themselves and may engage in risky behavior.
  • withdraw or isolate themselves from other people

Whilst these symptoms can manifest with the best of us not all of us can cope as well as we should.

If the symptoms persist and linger, it may be time to talk it over with your GP. No one should suffer in silence.

More Reading: https://www.apa.org/topics/holiday-stress

Final Thoughts.

Whilst I am suffering because of uncertainties in my life, I am grateful I have medication to help me sleep. I do not keep alcohol in my home as that is a recipe for disaster. I have learnt that although I am not an alcoholic and never have been, I do not trust myself when I am not in a controlled state. Sometimes drinking can even influence the anxiety to the extreme.

I would advise anyone experiencing axienty issues to consult their local doctor.

For me I will just have to confront my anxiety head on whenever that time will be and prepare myself for a worst case scenario. The prolonged feeling and uncertainty is the worst of not knowing what is going to happen.

I have only landlord and the pat testing electricians to blame for this, as my landlord should have had made sure the kitchen was safe to use, considering he had pat testing at the beginning part of the year. You would think that the company knew what they were doing but I can find faults in all the work they did and will doing my own report as evidence.

As a foot note from my own personal experience try to occupy your mind with something else other than what is troubling you. Watch a film or a documentary. Do an online course or read a book or take up a hobby like blogging, painting, photography or baking etc.

Although I am fortunate to own several blogs and in a way it is therapy for me, I still am battling my inner demons and can’t wait to confront the one person that is making me feel this way. I am not going to harrass him with endless text messages, he received a message and email from me so I have done my part. Seeing as he chose to ignore me it just says what type of human being he is aswell as what kind of landlord.

AMAZON BOOK STORE

Christmas Stress Due to Depression & OCD

Christmas Stress Due to Depression and OCD.

As most of you know I suffer with Depression and OCD. I have good days and bad days and this last week has made my illnesses sky rocket.

Had the electricians that did Pat Testing the begining part of the year done their jobs properly and seen that the cooker sockets where inside the hot zone that they should have corrected it.

However because they did not do this, this has created a domino effect when one thing happens after another due to consequences of peoples actions. Now as you know my cooker arrived which I paid for (more fool me) seeing as I have never had a cooker change in the last 24 years of living at my rented residence, you would have thought the landlord would be happy. I told him I was buying a cooker months ago but conveniently he has forgotten.

So to add insult to injury it has been a week since the cooker was delivered and it is still not been installed.

I was told my landlord would turn up on Saturday then at near enough Midnight he text me to say he would be coming Monday or Tuesday (No Show) so I text him yesterday and asked if he was coming today this was a hours ago and so far he has ignored me.

You have to also know what type of landlord he is, I reported another fault in March of this year and he only had it fixed in December so you can imagine the pace he goes.

The chain reaction of events has caused me to to go into severe depression and I am in a very dark place at the moment (This is now my landlords fault for making me feel like this as he was the last straw, the straw that broke the camels back to speak).

This is the main factor of my depression at the moment.

But there are additional factors whereby because I am disabled I have a disabled sticker on my wheelie refuse bin, so all the wheelie bins on the street were emptied apart from mine and I checked with the council and there was no reason why my bin was not emptied so my rubbish will pile up for another two weeks in which keeping rubbish in my home is against health and safety and I do not want to attract mice.

I have had problems with mice before and when my neighbour lived down stairs with her cats we had no mice but the moment she left we ended having a mice problems.

I took it upon myself to allow my daughter to have a kitten who is now 1 yr 6 months years old it was supposed to be also good for her Multiple Sclerosis therapy and is an eco friendly mice deterrent.

Now when my landlord came about 6 months ago just before the first lockdown to inspect the property he mentioned nothing about the cat but because I have essentially caused him to loose money because of this cooker installation he has now said he can smell cat urine on the entrance of the flat and up our staircase and that he will need to buy a new carpet.

This is his way to scamming me as he will buy a cheap carpet and charge me through the roof for changing it. He will have to pay me back for the cooker in that case…..touché.

He scammed me once before by changing the dates of when the rent was due by asking for the rent two weeks after I paid my monthly rent and then moved the rent forward by a month essentially got 6 weeks rent in one month.

“Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me fool me three times I will publically shame you”, (although he fooled me once he won’t be fooling me again).

These are very challenging times for me and only I can get through this, but I still can blame people for making me feel the way I do.

To top it all I phoned the retailer yesterday to see where my refund was seeing as I had waited five working days and they said there was a ‘system error’ and I have to wait a further five working days.

If I treated my customers the way Blue Chip Companies treat theirs, I would most certainlynot have any business left.

No consideration for peoples mental health.

Famous People Suffer With Mental Health.

It just shows even famous A-Listers have demons that they fight with in their heads.

I wrote a post why people do not care and now I can prove the point.

FINAL THOUGHTS!

For me to be treated by my landlord like a third rate citizen is unforgivable and down right, ignorant and rude with no apology absolutely nothing.

If he was too ill he could have got his assistant to message me, rather than blank me altogether.

Out of courtesy I would have if I were in his shoes been more transparent, just shows the difference in class of people we are.

My landlord has now caused me to sink into a deep well of depression”.

Because he owns the property he thinks he is better than me.

I on the other hand see it as cheap rent and somewhere to sleep.

I certainly would not call it home.

One day the tables will be turned and he will wish he treated me differently.

“Show respect and you will earn respect”

Sorry if I have ranted on about myself but I find writing my thoughts is a bit like therapy, I am releasing the tension and the anger and sharing it with you.

I am not bothering to contact my landlord again and will see how long it takes him to show his face.

As a paying tenant I have a right to have a cooker and if I was trying to do him a favour I can essentially insist he re-imburses me including all the takeouts and persished food, not to mention PTSD and compensation for work I could essentially loose because I am too ill to work because of his antics and his cowboy contractors.

“On a scale of 1 feeling fine and 20 feeling really low I am 20 plus at the moment and am feeling extremely anxoious as to my Landlords next move. I personally do not know how he can face me again seeing he ruined my Christmas and I am subjected to takeout every day at an average cost of £30 per day as I have no other means of cooking”.

https://www.jmw.co.uk/services-for-you/personal-injury/compensation-calculator/head-injury/post-traumatic-stress-disorder

Christmas Stress.

CHRISTMAS STRESS!

I wrote yesterday on my other blog about appliance retailers not mentioning anything about ‘Hot Spots’, hence this is the reason for my post today. I am ‘Extremely Stressed’ to the point I want to curl up into a ball and cry.

Curl Up In a Ball and Cry.

My brand new cooker was delivered last Thursday, to to date it has not been installed.

Who can I blame, the retailer, the landlord or the incompetent electricians that did pat testing at the beginning of the year or perhaps all three?

My OCD is so guarded I cannot face another soul at the moment and it does not help that I have to wait on my landlord who does not give you a time just turns up whenever he feels like it, with no consideration for my disability or my business.

I am getting extremely anxious as Christmas is only a few days away and it looks at the moment I will be toasting marshmallows over a candle at this rate rather than tucking into a Christmas Dinner.

I am not joking when I say all I will have for Christmas dinner is Cheese & Biscuits at this rate followed by marshmallows for desert.

My landlord has his own illnesses and has not come round because he is unwell. He texts messages me near enough Midnight most days, which I find very rude. Some people do not know about etiquette. You would think he would phone or text at a decent hour.

I could try to find someone to re-wire the electrics and a gas engineer but we are on Lockdown so this is going to be virtually impossible. I could not make this up if I tried.

I am not going to say anything at the moment but if my Christmas is going to be ruined I will shout from the roof tops the incompetent pat testing electricians and make sure they loose business.

How am I going to even be compensated for this?

I really have had enough of everything right now and if I did have any Christmas Spirit it has diminished.

The pat testing electricians never mentioned or did anything about the plug socket which was in the middle of the hot zone at the beginning part of the year.

My landlord should sue the electricians.

They also installed a smoke alarm in every room yet I live in a flat with one floor (so all I needed was one alarm). They ruined the artex ceiling in the living room and when my landlord asked them the other day Thursday to be exact to come out rather than move the socket they covered it up 🤬😡🤬 They even did not check my chandalier which in my opinion is a hazard along with the dimmer switch. Total cowboys…..

My Hot Zone With Sockets Covered Up (Against Safety Regulations) 🙂

I could give a long list of things wrong in my flat, from the black mold on my walls clothing and furniture to the electrics that were never checked and my landlord was invoiced for.

These incompetent electricians which I will make internet famous all for the wrong reasons, will feel my wrath when the time is right. They have caused me a lot of uneccessary stress, which I certainly could do without.

The domino effect has started for every domino that gets knocked over there will be a consequence.

Will I ever market this company (hell no) and will make sure they know it aswell. It is wrong to write about someone behind their back just like it’s the same as talking about them behind their back, so once Christmas is over I will shoot them an email and will forward my posts.

The uncertainty of not knowing if my landlord will turn up or if my cooker will be installed before Christmas is causing my OCD to sky rocket.

Every person I am dealing with including the Amazon delivery drivers who are so laid back as if they have no care in the world are irratating me. Clearly seeing me on a foot path outside my home with my t-shirt and leggings on and my passport in my hand as I had ordered something of 18 years verification, you would think they would hurry things along. Why does Amazon insist on the drivers to put your passport number onto Amazon system to deliver a bottle of alcohol, I am 57 years of age I clearly look over 18 so what is the need to collect this data? It is the middle of winter not a hot summers day, so for the driver to look at me and take his time is beyond a joke. I also have a business to run I have to be near my computer as I am managing my clients online chat support so I cannot put my status as ‘away’, as that is not what I am paid for and I cannot loose a sale.

Me With Two Heads Apparantly.

So it is amazing to see people’s reactions when I say anything, its is as if I have two heads by the looks I get, what is wrong with people?

I am at war with the world right now and just want to hibernate away from the human race.

Still no sign of my landlord, he is irratating me to high heaven.

Watch this space for updates…..

Wishing Everyone

Happy Holidays

&

a Happy, Healthy & Prosperous

New Year 2021

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Mental Health At Christmas – My Personal Expeiences.

Mental Health At Christmas – My Personal Experiences.

For me personally speaking it is not my favourite time of year.

I miss my parents and my bother that passed away and Christmas is not Christmas anymore, I just want Christmas over and done with.

Not just that, I have a few personal problems at home and I get it I know I am not the only one going through things especially with another iminent lockdown on the horizon and businesses struggling to pay their bills.

How can I charge my clients if they are having financial issues? This becomes a catalytic reaction a so called domino effect.

I can underatand that I should be thankful that I have somewhere to sleep and have a roof over my head. However I alway live in fear for lots of different reasons, mainly the constant worry that certain people have an element control over me. I am sad that I cannot free myself no matter how hard I try. I am being told never give up so that is what I am doing, slowly plugging away until I hit the jackpot. It is hard work but I am determined to succeed no matter what. If only I could build my own Rose Island.

“In order to start a new life one needs a lot of money and if one does not have a support network it is difficult to make the change”.

However I am struggling at the moment with my mental health really badly at the moment especially since I had a delivery from ‘Argos’ on Thursday things have just escalated to the point I just want to cry, lock myself away, turn my phone off and not see or speak to anyone until the nightmare is over.

It does not help when ‘Argos’ do not put on their website anything about ‘Hot Zones’ prior to a consumer buying a cooker.

This has started a domino effect as I have had to get my landlord involved in which I really wanted to avoid doing that.

On top of all that because I have not been able to install my cooker all my food with ‘use by dates’ has perished. I have had to order takeouts for my family and at a cost of £30 per day and have not had a refund for my installation which I paid for upfront.

Who is going to compensate me for all the money I have wasted and am still wasting?

I have phoned Argos Customer Service and they have said I will get a refund and I should wait and trust them, but they said they do not send out confirmation emails. I have even emailed the CEO ‘Simon Roberts’ and messaged him on LinkedIn pointing him to a post I made about his website…..Obviously this has been ignored as I am a nobody to this person and insignificant.

I really cannot face work right now because of a series of events, which I do not want to go into, but today on a scale of 1 to 20 with 1 being happy and 20 being really bad, I can safetly say I have gone off the richter scale and I am 20 plus.

I cannot deal with the feeling of: Fear, Doubt, Anxiety and Worry and Intrusive Thoughts”.

These feeling I usually can supress but I am concerned as some people can be intimidating and I simply cannot handle that right now. I need reassurance that everything will be ok but there is no one backing my corner.

My problem, I lack a personal support system and have no one to turn to when I am at my lowest.

I am getting intrusive thoughts in my head and I am battling my demons.

I will see if I can sleep ok over the next few nights or not and if my anxiety and fear subsides or get worse, I have sleeping tablets but when I feel my heart pounding, it is hard to relax.

My heart is in my mouth right now pounding away and I am on the verge of crying.

There are consequences to peoples actions.

I wish something would go right for me right now, but everything I touch seems to go belly up and to pot. I am trying so hard for the situation not to defeat me.

Someone said to me recently “A problem halved is a problem solved”, in most case it is good to talk to someone else I totally agree, but if all that person is a lending of an ear and cannot give you advice as they don know how, then from my own personal experiences there is no point to even speak to them. You need someone who is professional, be it a counsellor, a GP or a Consultant. Who ever you turn to they must have some knowledge and are familiar with the problem you are experiencing and should never remind you about what is upsetting you. For me I miss my parents and brother so to be reminded about them not being here especially at Christmas is the wrong thing to do.

One needs to find a mentor or a person that can support you and give you solid helpful advice. You need to find a person that can be your rock.

For me right now, I really want to sob my heart out and cannot get to sleep. My mind is racing and I am getting heart palpitations. I feel physically sick.

Different Types of OCD

Different Types OF OCD.

About the Author – I want to first start by saying I have suffered with OCD for the best part of 30 years.

I first noticed I had issues whilst I was encountering a relationship breakdown which was very traumatic. The feeling of grief was just as debilitating as having someone pass away. You no longer can be with that person, see them or hear them.

However I would also like to say that my mother had OCD although it was undiagnosed and she refused to admit there was anything wrong with her.

Throughout my childhood for as long as I remember my mother would wash her hands to the extent she could empty a whole tank of hot water. She also would check the soles of the family shoes and any visitors shoes insisting the shoes had to be taken off before coming into the house. Our school uniforms had to be taken off in designated areas and all food packaging had to be cleaned before it could be safetly put away.

I was never allowed to invite friends over and if they called round we would just chat in the porch.

My mother was in denial and not knowing what OCD was at the time, I could not help her.

I could not relate until I was in my early 20’s and by that time my mother simply said I was talking nonsense and that she did not have a problem yet I clearly could see she did and so did I.

From talking to my extended family, I also found out my grandmother had OCD and so did my Uncle who would not sit down unless be put his hankerchief on a chair.

My OCD is related to germ contamination, mental contamination, rumination, intrusive thoughts and avoiding physical contact with anyone.

This has flactuated over the years and depending how trusting I was towards a person would determine my OCD levels.

Trusting.

If I do not trust someone now, I cannot physically touch them or touch anything that they have touched. I feel if I do, bad things will happen to me of which I have had my fair share of traumatic events.

Avoidance.

I rather avoid contact than risk something bad happening to me again.

I have been known to make several clothing changes in a day and had to wash myself with ‘Dettol Antiseptic Disinfectant’ before my intrusive thoughts subsided.

I find it hard communicating with the outside world, I am far happier sitting behind a computer screen than actually dealing with people face to face.

If things go well for me and I am less stressed I can venture out, but mostly I avoid people and social distancing is a God send to me as before I would get extremely frustrated when people were careless and walked into me or brushed past me and simply said “Sorry”. If I were a car and you bumped into me you would not be saying “Sorry”, instead you would be giving me your insurance details.

Since the Pandemic outbreak I have not left the house. I have everything delivered and can run my business remotely. I also have no visitors other than my daughters boyfriend who knows what he can and can’t do.

It is amazing how many people do suffer with OCD but do not talk about it and try to hide it. Even my daughters boyfriend has OCD and does not like touching things without having to wash his finger tips. He also has a tendency of checking to see if his car is locked several times before he is happy. I am not a therapist so I am not going to ask questions. It is up to him to seek medical help and not for me to interfere. If he wants my help I can simply advise.

There are Nineteen Characteristics of OCD.

  1. Checking (I have witness a chap a couple doors away from me going round his car serveral times checking to see if his doors are locked).
  2. Germ Contamination (This can be cleaning or disinfecting).
  3. Mental Contamination (The feeling of self worth when a person has been treated badily)
  4. Hoarding (My mothers friend is a hoarder and has suffered several traumatic events in her life). People who hoard find comfort surrounded by materialistic things which may be of no value to the outside world but is an asset to them.
  5. Ruminations (Rumination is the focused attention on the symptoms of one’s distress, and on its possible causes and consequences) This including avoidance go hand in hand.
  6. Intrusive Thoughts Intrusive Thoughts (Intrusive thoughts are thoughts that seem to become stuck in your mind) and everyone experiences them).
  7. Symmetry & Orderliness (having all the tins in the cupboard the right way round and in order and not having odd numbers or having everything lined up and in order).
  8. Self Harming (A compulsion to physically hurt oneself to stop the mental pain)
  9. Pulling Out Hair (Trichotillomania) My ex sister in law had a compulsion to pull her hair out when she was going through a divorce with my brother.
  10. Repetitive Questioning & Reassuance. (The need to make sure something or someone will be ok).
  11. Trigger (An obsessional intrusive thought triggered by seeing an object such as a knife that may harm someone).
  12. Avoidance (When I experience my forst traumatic event I avoided mentioning my ex boyfriend name).
  13. Ritual (compulsive behaviour (physical or mental)
  14. Homosexual OCD (A straight person that fears being gay)
  15. Paedophile OCD (Unwanted harmful or sexual thoughts about children).
  16. Religious OCD (Engaging in excessive prayer).
  17. Pure ‘O’ OCD (Hidden Mental Rituals, such as counting or saying or thinking a repeating the word over and over)
  18. Counting money, counting how many times you switched the light off or closed the door handle, turning the door handle.
  19. Numbers (A fixation of certain numbers)

More Links:

https://www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/intrusive-thoughts

OCD Is Not Only About Cleaning.

Shot of a woman doing her daily chores at home

On the contrary OCD is not just about cleaning it could be polar opposites. I cannot manage to keep a whole flat super germ free but can quarantine my bubble, my space so to speak and make sure it is not contaminated.

Over the years my OCD has been a combination of germ contamination, mental contamination, ruminations, rituals, reassurance, trigger, avoidance, intrusive thoughts, numbers and counting. I would either avoid saying the number 13 or count something 21 times, (I was born on the 13th ironically and once on my 21st birthday I placed a £1.00 bet on the roulette table and won £21.00).

I occassionaly have had irrational thoughts and try to rationalise with myself that my thoughts are just that, stupid thoughts and totally absurd.

I have managed to cope with my OCD and having everything under control. Obviously it is not ideal but life is not perfect. “If you are dealt lemons, make lemonade”

I have tried therapy in the past and find it difficult to go over the same old things over and over again I would much rather forget.

Funnily enough I spoke to my mothers friend the other day and where I tried to be support for her as she had breast cancer and had her breast removed, I found it more and more difficult to phone her every week because without fail she would mention my ex which I want to forget but she won’t let me. She is old she is in her 80s so she forgets things as I have noticed each time I give her my telephone numberm so for me to say please do not mention my ex again would simply go over her head.

I have also tried cognitive therapy forcing you to touch something and resisting you from washing your hands. This did not work for me as I have to be in the right state of mind for it to work.

Give me £1M to start my life over again and I will see if my OCD gets better 🤔. This could be a social experiment which I could write if changing ones life for the better helps to change ones mental state.

Like I said I am no expert but I have lived with this disability for a number of years and have witnessed people’s behaviour in terms of their own OCD, aswell as reactions when you say you have OCD.

People still think mental illness as taboo and look at you as if you are ‘CRAZY’.

I most certainly do not belong in an asylum but just have a defense mechanism to protect myself from harm when I am threatened or feel insecure.

The way I see it I can mock myself but no one has the right to mock me.

I wish I could live a normal life without worry or stress and brain wash all the bad things that have ever happened to me away. But the chance of that happening are slim as I will always be reminded about my parents and bother passing away aswell as the abusive relationship and other bad incidents that happened to me over the years.

Trigger.

I still have episodes where I look at something and it brings back bad memories. Looking at photographs of people that have passed away and the feeling of sadness and emptyness or seeing something that was used to harm me. My home is full of very expensive memories that I cannot simply get rid of because of their materialistic value and have been damaged in some way. As an example looking at the bristles of a kitchen broom today brought memories flooding back.

I try my best to block out things and put them away where I cannot see them.

My home is full of bad memories which I would rather forget.

One day I hope to put the past behind me and start a new life somewhere else in a happier environment and I know what is holding me back, hence my plan will not happen overnight.

All I can do is try my hardest to move on and make a negative into a positive.

What Causes OCD.

There are many theories what causes OCD.

Scientists however have not been able to identify a definitive cause for why a person develops  Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD).

The potential causes of OCD can involve one of or a combination of either; neurobiological, genetic (my mother and my grandmother), learned behaviours (seeing my mother perform her rituals although I do not copy any), pregnancy, environmental factors or specific events that trigger the disorder in a specific individual at a particular point in time.

For me it have been a catalyst of a series of traumatic events that have caused me to cocoon myself, although cereabellar atrophy is also linked to OCD which I was diagnosed with about 11 years ago, which makes no sense as I have had OCD for about 30 years now.

The way I see it although there may be other factors that have caused me to have OCD including it being hereditory, I stongly believe PTSD is a leading source to why I have OCD and how people have treated me in the past that has made me the person I am today. Obviously some of the trauma is the loss of my parents and my brother but I also was subjected to physical and mental abuse. So my story is colourful to say the least.

Moving Forward.

I am passionate about the cause becasue I have been a life long sufferer and always keep up to date with ways to alleviate the symptoms aswell as helping others with motivation and inspiration, at the same time as helping myself.

OCD Is An Invisible Disability.

OCD Is An Invisible Disability and if you ask anyone who has got OCD would they want to trade for a normal life you will find everyone would agree including myself that OCD can be a living hell and would want the nightmare to end.

People who do not understand about OCD may be judgemental or may even mock a person. It is why its is so important to not let peoples opinions influence your way of thinking. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion and at the end of the day it is their opinion not yours. It is your opinion that matters the most not someone elses.

One needs to be in right frame of mind to make changes to ones life and also to conquer OCD.

You have to retrain your brain that what happened, happened and that there is nothing you can do about it apart from move on.

You need to set goals and take each day as it comes.

Take each day day by day and make small steps, behavioural therapy teaches you that anyway.

OCD changes with our lives.

Once we find we are happy within ourselves, confident and secure our OCD will eventually subside. In the mean time talk with you GP about what types of medication they can prescribe to make the journey a bit easier.

For me one thing I have noticed is by experssing my thoughts in my online journal, I somehow can get whatever is ailing me at the time off my chest, so although I am not physically speaking with anyone, my readers who find value in the content I write will appreciate my comments.

You too can have your own journal it does not have to be online but a diary where you can monitor your good days and your bad and even compare your days with your GP or consultant.

For me my therapy is writing, it is like letting go of a demon. Obviously I have brainwashed myself that I have to perform things in a certain way otherwise it will play on my mind but can honestly say I do try to resist my compulsive urges as much as I can. It does not work all the time as I find I do cave in, but I cannot be criticised for not trying.

I know once I am in my happier place my OCD will be a thing of the past but its only been 30 years later that I have actually started to do something about it, before I was not in a position to but now I have an opportunity to learn, teach and heal.

Once you can admit to yourself what your insecurities are you are one step closer to battling your illness.

Fear.

For me it is a constant battle but I know where I am going with this and I may never be completly cured but once I am in a happier place I now I will be on the road to recovery.

At the moment I prefer to be a recluse and not allow anyone to enter my world. I am not ready to make that step especially with the FEAR Coronavirus Covid-19 Pandemic and I do not want to contract the virus as it could potentially kill my daughter who has a very low immune system, secondly she will not be able to even take the vaccine as it is a live virus including myself.

I Am Staying In My Bubble, For the Forseeable Future!

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How to React When Someone Blanks You.

How to Deal With Someone Who has Blanked You.

So how do you deal with people who blank you?

Being ignored hurts.

Deciding how to react can be difficult especially if you are not bosom pals.

  1. Try to evaluate the situation and consider the implications if you do confront the person and their reaction. They may be false and give you a half hearted apology. Try to think back to the last time you spoke to them (which in my case apart from the text was most probaby at the beginning of the year for my daughters birthday dinner). The situation was strained as I always think there is an ulterior motive to meeting up once a year when you do not bother with that person for the rest of the 364 days. Think of a time perhaps where they have been angry or hostile toward you? Did you say something to offend them? If so, they are probably still stewing over whatever it was set them off in the first place. On the other hand, if you had a great time with them last time, there’s probably a vey good reason they have blanked you. They could have been busy and not had the time to reply or simply forgotten. In my case and I have many people that contact with me on a daily basis I always find time for them and will not blank them as it does not say much about me if I did. Blanking is simply being rude.
  2. Ask another person that knows the two of you, why you’re being ignored. In some cases if you know the persons friends or realtives you could ask them. If the person ignoring you is a friend or coworker, ask a mutual friend or coworker who may know why you’re being ignored. Perhaps you have upset the person inadevtently and they have decided to just ignore you to avoid escalting any conflict. A third party might be able to assess the situation more objectively and help you figure out why you’re being ignored. In my case I could possibly ask me ex-sister in law from my other brothers marriage as this person does speak to her more often than I do. I personally think Madam has got too big for her boots.
  3. Confront the Bull by the Horns. Ask the person ignoring you directly why they are behaving this way. Confront the person ignoring you directly face to face and ask them what is upsetting them. If they are true they will give you an honest answer but if they are false they will be cowardly and say there is nothing wrong just to get you off the scent. Contront the person in a private and quiet place away from any distractions or send them an email or letter and calmly ask why they have chosen to ignore you. Express your feelings in a calm and courteous manner. Present evidence that they’ve been ignoring you, such as not returning your calls or emails, or not responding when you speak to them. Listen attentively to their explanation.

Final Thoughts.

Depending on the circumstances and situation it may be easier said than done and may prove to be awkward to tackle. If you are in a work place and you are being ignored during work time, confront the person or persons individually. Confronting them as a group may cause them to gang up on you. If that does not work then go to your superiors. If however it is during break times, again you can confront the person or persons one by one but tread with caution. You need to find the instigator and get to the bottom of why this is happening to you.

This is simple advice to be a better person, do no blank people, make time for people and consider peoples feelings.

Feeling Sad

We all go through moments in our live where we feel sad but for me I find it hard sometimes to deal with sadness, hence I consume myself with tons and tons of work so that I do not have to feel the pain.

However 99% of the time I can bury my sadness under a mountain of paperwork and on the rare occasions sadness rears its ugly head.

Today is one of those day I wrote a post on another blog about the implications of not maintaining social distancing and also that someone known to my family could be exposed to the virus through his works. https://marketingagency.cymrumarketing.com/2020/11/02/breaking-covid-regulations/

Unfortunately I cannot stop my daughter being in a relationship with this person and my daughter and I ended up in a heated argument where I said if this person does not get tested and is found to have contracted the virus and then it is passed to my daughter and I, I could potentially sue him and the company he works for because they have not sent home the bubble to quarantine.

My daughter immediatey went on his defence and said she was planning on moving out to live with this person and that she was washing my hands of me. I told her if she was to do that I would not support her, she would be on her own and she would not be able to come back. My father told me the same over 30 years ago hence that is why I ended up in Wales. It is not the first time my daughter has chosen her muppet boyfriends over me and told untrue tales to their parents to get some sort of sympathy. My daughter telling me she would wash her hands of me was like being stabbed in my heart.

Granted I told her “you make your bed and you lie in it, but do not think you can come back, you are an adult and you can make your own decisions, I have my own life in which you cannot come in and out of when you please”.

She knows about my depression and she knows that I do not talk to anyone about my problems I generally keep myself to myself, so you can imagine the sadness I am feeling right now.

Don’t get me wrong I will find other things to occupy my mind so that I do not have to think how much distain my daughter has towards me.

If I have coped with loss of my parents and my brother what is one more to the list, afterall I should be getting used to it by now.

I have a survival mechanism that takes time to kick but when it does I can block the feeling inside of me and anyone around me. I essentially am thick skinned and the more times I get hurt the colder I become.

With everything we do there are consequences with our actions, her boyfriend will feel my wrath if and when the time comes. I will tell him he was to blame for splitting my daughter and I up and he can take that to his grave.

In the course of the pandemic I not only have supported by daughter I have supported him also and has he even thanked me, of course he hasn’t, he is a very selfish individual.

I know what you must all be thinking and that is it will blow over and that my daughter will be different tomorrow, trust me he is influencing her to be independant of me. He does not like me and the feeling is mutual.

If you are feeling sad and have no one to talk to you can phone the Samaritans they are open 24/7 on 116 123 and they will not ask you any personal details like your name or where you live, you can stay anonymous, you can even withhold your telephone number, they are just there to listen and that is all. You can also email them at: jo@samaritans.org https://www.samaritans.org/?nation=wales

RECOMMENDED READING!

OCD -Germ Cross Contamination

OCD Germ Cross Contamination.

OCD Germ Cross Contamination.

Germs are all around us and we would not be able to live without them.

But for sufferers of contamination OCD the thought that germs can potentially harm people, OCD sufferers are more vigilant and will avoid germ contamination to safe guard themselves and others.

The wording ‘Germs’ refers to the microscopic bacteria, viruses, fungi, and protozoa that can cause disease. There are good germs and bad germs. The germs also know as (bacteria) help keep our digestive system in working order and keep harmful bad bacteria from moving in. Some bacteria are used to make medicines and vaccines. We also have good bacteria in our bodies to help fight bad bacteria. Scientists from the University of Georgia estimate the number of bacteria on our planet to be five million trillion trillion. Most People Encounter Roughly 60,000 Germs per day and germs live all around us in the air, in soil and water, and on food, plants, and animals (including on and in our bodies).

With an OCD germ contamination sufferer it is not always about washing and about keep things clean, it may be more to do with the intrusive thought and the prevention of germ cross contamination and the spread of germs.

An OCD germ contamination sufferer may avoid touching things that have not been disinfected or sterile, as everything that has been touched by someone else and not disinfected could possibly carry harmful germs.

An OCD germ contamination sufferer will avoid touching things that have been touched by someone else without taking measures to eliminate the possibility of cross contamination. This may include touching door handles with tissue, elbow or gloves which could also include toilet seats, handles and sink taps.

Anything that has been touched by another person potentially could have harmful bacteria including Door Handles, Public Chairs, ATM machines, Petrol Station filling up Nozzles and Card Machines,

When shopping several people may have handled a product before you, these people may be the ones that stack shelves with products that have been shipped from warehouses where other people have touched the same item before it ends up in your shopping basket and then in your home.

Imagine from the factory the item has come from may have been packed by person (1) and then shipped by another person (2), collected by another person (3) and then stacked by another person (4), with a total of four or more people handling the same item you have just purchased. This is just an example but once a product leaves a factory and goes on its journey it will be handled by multiple people.

Lets face it people are not doing as they are told and are not maintaining social distancing and are basically spreading germs.

If we all did as we were told and we all disinfected everything and stayed our distance the virus would be under control but its not.

For people especially teenagers who won’t be told, try keeping two teneages madly in love apart. Intermingling is happening under radar and until a vaccine is found this virus will continue to persist. Imagine two people living apart who are in a relationship, teenagers and adult alike how do you stop them from meeting up, you can’t and you won’t? Also try keeping bored teenagers in under lockdown. You would literally have to tag everybody. Maybe that is their master plan but I am not going to go into conspiracy theories on here right now. 🙂

For me social distancing is second nature to me and especially now my social anxiety is increased and am even reluctant to even meet and greet the delivery drivers let alone anyone else. I am at arms length when I have to collect a parcel and make them put it down on a wall until they are at a safe distance away from me.

I suffer with germ contamination OCD and the fear of touching things that have been touched by someone else without being disinfected is not incomprehensible to me. Hence I will avoid touching things and will handle items in a safe manner including removing all outer packaging carefully. The same goes for envelopes imagine how many people have touched that envelope before you and the saliva that stuck it down. How many letters have you opened that could be be licked by someone. Imagine the tons of post that is being mailed worldwide on a daily basis. How come no one has thought about this other than me? Licking envelopes and stamps is the equivalant to sending anthrax in the post.

Nothing gets touched with my bare hands that has not be made sterile or disinfected. I get it I cannot disinfect everything around me and would have to live in a sterile bubble if that was the case, but I try to maintain a sterile environment as much as possible.

I use over 1000 pairs of disposable gloves per month and about 6 litres of Dettol Antiseptic Disinfectant Liquid. Thats a small penace to pay if you want to keep your family safe.

Not everything that one washes can be washed at high temperatures as most professionals are suggesting for facemasks. Hence an alternative method of using Dettol Antibacterial Laundry Cleanser helps to kill 99.9%% of germs at low temperature in your washing machine.

Due to the coronavirus pandemic I am even more careful what I touch and am more vigilant especailly after I had intrusive thoughts about a takeout that was made up by someone else. I fought my thoughts but started to feel uneasy when I developed a mild sore throat which has now eased off thankfully. But the paranoia started to set in and it took some doing to overcome these unwanted thoughts.

Being labelled a germaphobe is not a laughing matter and one should not put labels on people. OCD is a mental health disorder and in my case it has flactuated since this Covid-19 Pandemic.

If you are to use disposable gloves only use them once and then immediately replace with a fresh pair (They are for one use only).

Always get rid of disposable masks carefully and never wear any mask twice, even if it is a washable cloth mask, as the pathogens could have landed on your masks whilst you were out (if you can’t see them how do you know they are not there).

Never share anything with another person, such as pens, keyboards etc without disinfecting them first.

Don’t worry about what people think, they should be more understandable especially in this present climate.

Always maintain social distancing and in the case of people you work with where you cannot maintain social distancing do not shake hands with them, especially if you do not want to whip out the hand santitiser straight after, as not to offend the individual and always wear your masks wherever posible and disinfect everything prior to use.

If anything do fist bumps, air hugs & kisses.

Germs could be on surfaces avoid touching public surfaces wherever possible and disinfect things before touching them.

Be vigilant of your environment and where pathogens can land on surfaces if they are airborne.

My recommendations for protecting yourselves and the products I use are as follows:

Do take a moment to watch the videos and the link I have attached to give you a better understanding about Germ Contamination.

https://mytherapist.ie/contamination-ocd/
https://mytherapist.ie/contamination-ocd/
https://upstatephysicianssc.com/general-health/germs-are-here-to-stay/

If you found this post helpful please share and leave a comment. If you are finding things over whelming right now and simply want to chat just send me a message.

Stay Safe and Stay Strong.

Online Journal 21st October 2020 – Germ Cross Contamination.

CROSS CONTAMINATION

As you are all aware we are all in Lockdown again in Wales as of Friday with the ‘Fire Break’, I’m sure the government make up words and phrases as they go along.

Anyway because of my OCD I have not ventured out and am concerned about eating things that have been prepared by hand eg. from bakeries. I am also concerned about flies especially fruit flies that are in fact dangerous to humans as they carry pathogens.

https://www.webmd.com/food-recipes/how-get-rid-fruit-flies#1

I am also concerned about cross contamination and how there is not enough being said about how a virus can land on surfaces and spread from one person to another. This not just about washing your hands frequently or staying your distance it is about: ‘cross contamination’.

Here are a couple of scenario’s someone who is a carrier (unaware they are infected) who does not wear a mask at home has cross contaminated their belongings, so these germs can be cross contaminated and transferred to other people, by sharing. The same with anything anyone else has touched before you could be riddled with germs.

No one is talking about this and its alarming.

Here is a video of how easily germs can spread:

So to end this short entry, I am feeling under the weather so to speak and just want to sleep. I want to bury my head in the sand and wait for this pandemic to go away.

I am also paranoid about my fruit fly infestation I seem to have in my home and am spending a fortune on fly spray. These flies are stressing me out.

So not only do I have to worry about the pandemic and how to keep my family safe I have to contend with these parasites. Like I have nothing better to do with my life…..

Anyway I digress, I may be in need to take time out to just chill and re-charge my batteries. I am better at taking breaks than I used to be, as before I would not switch off.

The things I cannot live without at the moment are fly spray for sure and I will list all the things I use to try and combat my OCD. The other thing is disposable gloves and Dettol, it has to be Dettol as no other brand will do, well not in my eyes. I am sure other brands do the job just as well but my brain is wired to use Dettol products.

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