Category: Understanding Behaviour

How To Deal With Grief.

How to Deal With Grief.

Grief is a debilitating devastating emotion and it can crush you. Only you will deal with the grief in your own way, there is no right or wrong way and no one can tell you otherwise.

What is grief?

Grief is a natural process that we experience when it comes to the loss of a loved one. Grief is our body’s way of coping with the emotional suffering when someone we love is taken away. We will often have an overwhelming emotion of heart-wrenching heartache.

The initial feeling of coming to terms with such an emotion can be a shock, horror, anger, disbelief, guilt, and profound sadness. Our emotions of grief can cause devasting mental health issues and can also disrupt our physical health.

Dealing with grief may make sleeping more difficult, taking care of our well-being and eating habits even going as far as loss of appetite. It can even cause us to not think properly or clearly and cause us not to be able to perform mundane tasks, let alone more complex actions.

Dealing with grief are natural responses and emotions which are normal reactions and the more important and significant the loss, the more intense the grief will be.

Different types of Loss.

There are many ways of experiencing grief, it may not necessarily be through death but could be something that causes us to feel helpless and not in control.

Having to lose someone near and dear to you can be a life-changing event and emotion and very debilitating.

Having to learn to cope and to start life over again, not having something or someone around can be challenging and can put our mental abilities to the test.

Different Forms of Loss & Trauma.

  1. Loss of a job
  2. Loss of financial stability and support
  3. Going through a Divorce
  4. A break-up of a relationship
  5. Loss of health
  6. Death of a Pet
  7. Loss of a Business
  8. Loss of a Friend (breakdown of friendship or death)
  9. Loss of a Parent through Death
  10. Loss of a Sibling through Death
  11. Loss of a Child through Death
  12. Miscarriage
  13. Loss of a Spouse, a wife, or husband through death (from a sudden event as well as a serious illness)
  14. Loss of a family home due to financial issues or divorce
  15. Loss of your assets because of theft (including sentimental belongings)
  16. Loss of your pride and dignity, self-worth due to physical and mental abuse
  17. Loss of a cherished dream, taken away because of an unexpected financial issue
  18. Loss of your safety net through financial difficulties or mental and physical abuse
  19. Loss of a working environment (workmates) due to retirement or changing jobs
  20. Rape. (Loss of virginity or loss of self-worth due to rape)
  21. Loss of self-worth through Physical and Mental Abuse (Domestic Violence)
  22. Loss of dignity and pride, due to racism and discrimination
  23. Loss of confidence due to humiliation, trust issues, belittlement, betrayal, and other insecurities
  24. Loss of freedom due to incarceration

Life events not only are to do with death. Life events can cause us to feel the subtle loss that can trigger a sense of grief and other emotions. For example moving away to a different area due to work or other factors, leaving your school/college/uni friends due to graduation causes us to endure the feeling of separation or simply changing jobs, and leaving your workmates can all cause us to experience sadness.

Our loss is personal.

Our loss is individual and very personal to us, not everyone will understand the feeling of emptiness unless they have experienced it for themselves.

Regardless of your loss, it is personal to you. People may experience resentment, anger, or start blaming themselves if they had done things differently the loss could have been avoided.

When you suffer the loss of a person, animal, relationship, or situation which was significant to you, it can cause intense inner emotional pain of heartache. The heaviness of having a broken heart can slowly heal through therapy.

The pain will never go away but will not feel so intense over time and eventually, time will help you move on with your life.

Grieving Process.

When we grieve our mental strength can be tested to its limit.

Grieving is a very unique experience and no two losses ever feel the same. There is no ideal way to grieve it is very individual to us and we can only cope with the grieving process by how well we can cope mentally.

Not everyone has a strong mindset some people cannot cope with change regardless of how insignificant it is. In order to overcome grief, there must be an element of time and therapy and having the mental strength to move forward.

Overcoming grief depends on many factors, including your mental well-being, if you have mental health issues this can cause the problem to become worse. Your personality and ability to tackle problems and get around obstacles, your life experiences, your faith, and how significant the loss is will determine how well you heal.

Healing.

Healing cannot be hurried it is a gradual process and cannot be forced. For some people, they can heal relatively quickly but for some, it may take many years. Healing cannot be measured, in weeks, months, or years, it is a persons mental state of mind that will determine how long it will take to heal.

Grief De-bunked.

  1. If you try and ignore grief and not think about the ordeal, it will not go away, you need to find a way to deal with your sadness.
  2. Crying does not mean you are a weak person. In fact, it is good to cry and release sadness and despair.
  3. Putting on a brave face to protect your family and friends does not help anyone in the long run especially if they are grieving the same grief as you. Being open and talking about your feelings are the first steps to recovery.
  4. If however, you are unable to show emotion that also is another way of your body copying, some people cannot show how they feel and end up bottling things up. If you cannot cry that does not mean you do not care any less, everyone has their own unique coping mechanisms.
  5. Moving on with your life does not mean you have forgotten it just means you have re-adjusted to life without your loved ones. Moving on does not mean you have accepted the loss it just means that you can live your life without them, but continue to keep the memory alive.

Therapy

Everyone will experience the loss of a loved one at some point in their lives. It is part of life itself. When our hearts are broken into smithereens it is sometimes very difficult to put them back together again.

Finding the right help, guidance, and therapy can be useful if the loss of a loved one is sudden. You do not have to do it alone and you can find someone to help you and be your support worker, to help you get through the most difficult times.

Time heals but does not forget!

First Steps to Healing.

  1. Admit you feel sad, do not pretend that you are ok.
  2. Talk about your sadness to your family and friends.
  3. Make an online memorial page where others can share their stories. Create either a website or a Group on Facebook rather than a public page, which means people can share their memories and have the posts approved by a group admin member before they can access the memorial.
  4. Start a diary (virtual or physical) or write a biography about their life.
  5. Create a scrapbook of memories, express your feeling in a creative tangible way. (For me I preserved some leaves from my brother’s oak tree).
  6. Dedicate a tree or forest in their name (Woodland Trust)
  7. Get a park bench with the person’s name (Contact your local council office).
  8. Be creative and make something that will always remind you of them. (put their photo in a locket or charm bracelet or print their image on a keepsake).
  9. Start a foundation or raise awareness, and or give to a charity.
  10. Surround yourself with images of the person or pet you have lost.
  11. Share your memories and celebrate their life through anniversaries.
  12. Understand that the feeling of grief can trigger other emotions (anger, denial, depression, etc).
  13. Take care of yourself even though you find life meaningless (Your body is your temple).
  14. Speak with a GP or Grief Counselor
  15. Know the difference between grief, PTSD, and depression.
  16. Dedicate your life to the person you have lost by public speaking.

The Five Stages of grief

Studies made by psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross in 1969 introduced what would become known as the “five stages of grief.” These stages of grief were based on her research of feelings of patients facing terminal illness. She spoke of:

  1. Denial
  2. Anger
  3. Bargaining
  4. Depression
  5. Acceptance.

It must be noted that not everyone who grieves goes through all of these five stages of grief. In some cases, people have been known not to experience any of these emotions and have managed to heal.

Elizabeth Kübler-Ross never intended for these stages to be a rigid framework that applies to everyone who mourns. In her last book before her death in 2004, she said of the five stages of grief: “They were never meant to help tuck messy emotions into neat packages. They are responses to lose that many people have, but there is not a typical response to loss, as there is no typical loss. Our grieving is as individual as our lives.”

Grief can be an ocean tears of emotions.

People in the early stages of grief may feel intense numbness or sadness and as time progresses the ocean of emotions can be high tidal waves and ebbing flowing lows. It takes time to overcome loss, with some people never fully recovering at all. Even years after a loss, especially on anniversaries, special places, special events such as holidays like Christmas and family reunions, and birthdays, the emptiness of not having the person present can be very upsetting.

Symptoms of grief

  1. Intense Devastating Shock and Disbelief, not being able to accept the loss.
  2. Paralyzing Numbness of what has happened and you feel cold without and emotion or empathy.
  3. Denial, that it is just a bad dream it has not happened and you are still expecting them to show up even in reality that they are gone. You look for them in a crowded place. (I once saw a homeless man that looked the spitting image of my brother and I gave him money and bought him food).
  4. Anger, of why you lost someone as opposed to someone else losing someone.
  5. Blame, Blaming yourself, had you have done things differently that this could have been avoided or not doing enough.
  6. Questioning yourself, questioning your sanity, are you going crazy for feeling so low and questioning your faith and God.
  7. Sadness, emptiness, despair, deep loneliness, and yearning.
  8. Guilt, having said something that you wish you could have unsaid, feeling relieved that the person has gone and is not suffering or the guilt of not doing enough to prevent them from dying.
  9. Fear, of how, will you cope without them emotionally and being alone as well as coping financially, how will you be able to live without them.
  10. Anger, you may feel disdain for everyone around you because they are living and breathing and your loved one is not. Even feeling resentful to the doctors that should have done more to save the person.
  11. Abandonment, feeling angry because the person has abandoned you even though you would have given your life for them.
  12. Robbed, feeling like the person has been stolen from you and an injustice has been done.

Physical & Mental symptoms of grief.

  1. Fatigue, grief can manifest in many ways, some people feel very tired and just want to curl up in a ball and sleep all the time and not do anything else, hoping that life will be different when they wake or sleep because life is pointless to stay awake and do anything.
  2. Insomnia, some people simply cannot sleep, they overthink and may be up all night worrying and obsessing.
  3. Isolation, some people isolate and no longer wish to be sociable. (This is me in a nutshell)
  4. Depression, intense sadness 24/7 that you cannot shake, whilst others are inconsolable and cry all the time.
  5. Weight, grief can also affect your physical health by either make you gain weight or lose weight.
  6. Substance Abuse, some people start smoking, drinking, or take recreational drugs just to numb out the hollowness and loneliness they are feeling.
  7. Lowered Immunity, poor diet, and other physical attributes can cause lowered immunity which in turn causes the person to be susceptible to other illnesses.
  8. Mental Illness, grief can also lead to anxiety, stress, depression, and PTSD, the trauma of losing a loved one can also cause mental illnesses such as OCD.

Complications

Coping with grief is always a very delicate matter and it is your own personal preference how to try to deal with it. Talking to your friends and family is always a good idea as well as your GP and Health Professional that are expert in grief counseling. The relief of talking to someone can help lessen the burden of your loss. Listening to other people’s recollections and memories of the person that has died help you to find closure.

However, if you turn to friends they may not be able to help you as you would expect especially if they have never experienced grief themselves.

Close friends in particular often do want to help but don’t know-how, if they have not experienced death firsthand.

If you need help with arranging funeral directors, planning a wake, and sorting out finances then appoint someone that can manage all your affairs, they do not necessarily have to be a friend but a funeral planner company that offers the services. Understand that some people may feel awkward about helping so turning to a professional institution can help take some of the stress away.

People who have never experienced death will not understand what you are going through they can second guess but until they experience it for themselves they may not be able to give you the full support you need.

Not having the right support can make things difficult if your friends are unsure how to comfort you and they may feel like they are walking on eggshells in the fear of saying or doing something wrong. This is why it is good to speak with a professional or join a group.

Faith

If you are religious try to turn to your faith to find peace, alternatively if you are questioning your faith and God go to your church and arrange a talk with the clergy. People find going to church and praying or spending time at the graveside comfort.

Support Groups

There are many social media support groups that you can join as well as finding physical meeting places. If you want to interact physically or virtually, take the first steps to counsel and sharing your sorrow with people who have experienced similar loss as you. . To find a bereavement support groups in your area, contact local hospices, funeral homes, and counseling centers.

Acknowledgement.

Acknowledging you will never see your loved one again will help you heal and ease some of the pain. Acknowledge your feeling, of sorrow, despair, loneliness, and intense sadness. Understand that this is normal and you have to experience it to move on. Typical denial is trying to avoid or acknowledging and refusing to talk about and hiding away. This can lead to complications such as depression, anxiety, substance abuse, and health problems. The first step is acknowledging you will never see that person again.

Honour their life.

Plan ahead of anniversaries, make a memorial, something people can reflect and remember. Build a celebration of life events your loved one had and allow the people that knew them to join in.

Your Personal Health

Your mental and physical health is paramount. Your body is your temple therefore you should treat it like one. Get enough sleep, maintain a healthy diet, exercise regularly, and avoid substance abuse to numb the pain. If we have a healthy body we will also help to have a healthy mind.

Complicated grief

Complicated Grief is like being stuck in an intense paralyzed state of mourning. You may not be able to accept the death and you end up obsessed and preoccupied with the person who died which in turn disrupts your daily routine and causes problems in your other relationships.

Complicated Grief includes:

  1. An obsessed feeling of intense longing and yearning for the loss of your loved one. Living and breathing just the person you have lost, looking and searching for anything written about them. Talking about them 24/7 in an obsessed way.
  2. Intrusive thoughts or images of your loved one. (I have a problem with anything to do with water, like rivers and whirlpools, and cannot watch anything to do with drowning or look at images).
  3. Panic attacks, reliving the trauma over again.
  4. Nightmares, constant nightmares of the ordeal or the person and the circumstances.
  5. Denial and a sense of disbelief, not coming to terms with the fact the person has actually gone. Refusing to acknowledge they have actually gone.
  6. Avoiding, mentioning their name or the places they once went to or avoiding looking and touching things that remind you of them. (I cannot physically go back to and visit the street where my family home once was because it brings back too many painful memories).
  7. Anger and bitterness, over your loss of your loved one, hating the world and everyone in it. (I personally experienced this especially when my mum passed away, I hated the world but I am over it now, I do have different anger now where my brother is laid to rest, which I was not consulted over).
  8. Feeling that life is pointless and that there is no reason to carry on. (Suicidal Thoughts).

Traumatized.

If your loved one died an unexpected sudden death either a heart attack or something that was an accident, violent or disturbing you may be experiencing complicated grief which can manifest as psychological trauma or PTSD, (my brother died by drowning).

The sudden loss of a loved one where you have had no time to prepare for their passing means you will experience intense crushing shock. It will feel the whole world is falling apart around you and you are sinking. It will make you feel helpless and you will be struggling with upsetting irrational emotions, memories, and anxiety that won’t go away, if this is the case you will have been traumatized.

Knowing the difference between grief and depression

Thinking and obsessing over a person 24/7, week in week out is called depression. If you are consumed by the loss and nothing else matters and no matter what you do you cannot shake the feeling of contestant emptiness and despair you have depression and you need to speak with your GP as soon as possible. Knowing the difference between grief and clinical depression isn’t always easy as they share many similar attributes. When you’re in the middle of the grieving process, you will still have moments of pleasure or happiness, depending on how intense and complicated your grief is. With depression the feelings of emptiness and despair are constant and if it consumes your life 24/7 you need to seek help from a Health Professional.

Symptoms of Depression.

  1. An intense, sinking feeling of hopelessness.
  2. An obsession that you cannot step out of (which could be an obsession about the person who has departed or the obsession about death).
  3. Suicidal Thoughts, or a preoccupation with dying or planning ways how to die.
  4. Hopelessness or worthlessness.
  5. Feeling fatigued and lethargic.
  6. Slow speech and body movements, because you have no need to rush.
  7. Not being able to function properly, (at home, at work, and/or at school/college or University). It could also be not being able to make important decisions or manage finances.
  8. Imagination, Seeing, or hearing things that aren’t there.

Medication

Medication is usually prescribed for people who have depression, anxiety, stress disorders, insomnia, and mental health problems as well as physical illnesses. In most cases, grief does not warrant the use of antidepressants unless the grief is intense and complicated. Sometimes people who are inconsolable may be prescribed valium to calm them down or other sedatives. For people who have intense grief that is inconsolable, they may be referred to a counselor for grief therapy.

It is unadvisable to self-medicate or to use recreational substances such as alcohol or drugs as numbing the pain only prolongs the grief process rather than helping the person come to terms and heal. It is like putting a band-aid on a gaping wound and when they sober up the reality of the fact is still there.

Seeking Professional Help.

If the pain is unbearable and you feel your world is crashing down around you you need to seek professional help straight away. If you leave your symptoms untreated, complicated grief and depression can lead to significant mental health issues and emotional damage, life-threatening health problems, and even suicide.

Contact a grief counselor or professional therapist if you:

  1. If you feel you cannot cope and your life is crashing down around you and cannot perform simple tasks or manage to make important or even simple decisions.
  2. If you are obsessing over the person 24/7, week in week out, and your life is consumed with every thought of the person that has died.
  3. If you feel like life isn’t worth living anymore because the person is no longer in your life.
  4. If you wish you had died with your loved one.
  5. If you are having suicidal thoughts.
  6. If you blame yourself for the loss or not doing enough to prevent them from dying.
  7. If you feel total numbness to society and prefer to disconnect from people and isolate yourself.

Note From The Editor.

In my lifetime I have experienced death many times from when I was little I paid my respects to a boy in an open upright coffin, who had fallen from a cherry tree in Poland, I think I was 10 at the time. Then a family friend died approximately 12 hours before his wedding from a heart attack something like eleven years later and I had to console his fiance. When I came to Wales and worked at the Holiday Resort in Barry Island (Majestic Centre) in 1992, I had to console a holidaymaker’s wife and son because the husband had a heart attack and died.

Then in 1992 a close friend of mine, a very beautiful successful singer who toured Europe and was famous in a band in Germany but came back to live in Wales, committed suicide in Dinas Powys.

Years later I then experienced personal grief where my father passed away in 2004 and then my mother in 2007 and then the most crushing and devasting blow was when my brother in 2010 died in a freak accident and most recently my ex-husband only last week 16/05/21

For me, the coping process is to surround myself with photos and memories of the people I have lost and to keep their memory alive by talking and writing about them.

This is my way of coping as even after the passing of both my parents and my brother I am still grieving in my own way and occasionally when I have time to reflect I am consumed with intense sadness but find keeping myself busy and not having time to think helps me to carry on.

Most recently my ex-husband passed away and again I feel sadness as I always cared about him and never stopped. (I wrote a memorial post expressing my feelings it was my way of coping with the sad news, I do not think I needed permission for that as it is part and parcel of the grieving process and everyone’s grief is different and how you cope is entirely your choice).

The news was shocking to me that he had died. I thought I had time to make amends as that was my ultimate goal. I am now consumed with guilt and regret that I should have reached out when I had the opportunity, I just took him for granted he would always be around and that I had plenty of time.

I have learned you do not know what is around the corner waiting for us and building bridges is a must if you do not want to have regrets. Finding forgiveness and putting all indifferences aside are the first steps to healing and moving on.

There is no time like the present to say “sorry”, what is done is done you cannot turn back the clock but you can move forward, saying “I love you” can mean a lot and may make a difference, also remember to create memories.

For me, I have experienced complicated sudden death five times and I have also experienced one particular emotion of anger.

My anger still manifests inside of me eleven years on, because of the circumstances where my brother was laid to rest. I was not consulted on the location other than it was the Woodland Trust and where his ashes are it is no longer ‘Woodland Trust Land’ but private land as I believe the land changed hands within the last few years.

Not only that my anger festers inside over something someone once said to me about six months after my mother’s passing “so how long are you going to expect to grieve for?” I never forgot those words and never have forgotten the person that said them to me (J.M). The words were cutting and heartless and it was like rubbing salt into a gaping wound.

So in order for me to ever pay my respects to my brother or visit the oak tree is no longer possible. Some will say his spirit has left and is now just energy surrounding us and in a way, I do agree but it also nice to have a place to go to remember the person and to reflect. Maybe in time, I may find the strength to forgive but as it stands I still have the anger embedded in my soul.

My brother in his will said he wanted his ashes buried in woodland but never said exactly where. I am sure there is a ‘Woodland Trust’ where my parents are buried. I was told the reason for the location was it was my brother and his partner’s special place they visited often. What about his family that obviously did not matter? The location is nowhere near ‘Lake Windermere’ but in the middle of a field on the outskirts.

His partner at the time took it upon herself to make the arrangements without consulting me. Having his ashes in the middle of a field approximately 257 mi (413 km) is not ideal and now is virtually impossible to visit. I have other grievances but will focus on the subject of grief.

I am now carrying the emotion of guilt and regret that I should have reached out to my ex-husband sooner and told him how I really felt.

I have also experienced other types of grief not to do with death, such as relationship breakups, divorce, losing a business, loss of self worth due to physical and emotional abuse, loss of dignity, loss of assets. I won’t go into everything individually but I have carry many war wounds.

I suffer from clinical depression and OCD it is manageable with the medication I take. I have been on my medication for many years now, I am now looking into neuroplasticity as a form of treatment.

I have written about grief in the past:

https://disabledentrepreneur.uk/dealing-with-death-grief-the-4th-time-round

Useful Links:

https://www.cruse.org.uk

https://www.mariecurie.org.uk/help/support/bereaved-family-friends/dealing-grief/bereavement-or-grief-counselling

https://www.sueryder.org/how-we-can-help

https://www.bacp.co.uk/

https://www.betterhelp.com

What is Obsessive Compulsive Disorder

What is Anxiety

What is Stress

What is Depression

Suicide Healthline

SAMARITANS.org

OCDUK.org

MIND.org.uk

YoungMinds.org.uk

#grief #grieving #grievingprocess #healing #lossofalovedone #loss #dying #departed #death #suddendeath #complicatedgrief

Feeling of Resentment

What is Resentment.

Resentment (also called ranklement or bitterness) is a multilayered complex of emotions that collectively are the feeling of disappointment, disgust, anger, and fear. Psychologists have come to the conclusion that it is a mood or a secondary emotion (including cognitive elements) that can be elicited in the face of insult and/or injury. It is a generalized defense mechanism against unfair situations or incidents.

Resentment is a festering feeling of bitterness and anger. Have you ever had the feeling that lingers in the back of your mind how something or someone has done you wrong and you cannot forgive or forget?

In my lifetime especially in the last 30 years, I have had a build-up of resentment to individuals and institutions that has manifested in bulk. As time goes on and more incidents happen because of a domino effect the more rage I have which then festers.

The fire is not full-blown flames but more a smoldering ember that remains hot and could reignite at any time.

I won’t bore you with all the details but I have had one particular person asked me about six months after my mother’s death where I was not thinking properly “how long do I expect to grieve“? Fifteen years later I am still grieving and the said individual who said this I hope they rot in hell for being so uncaring and shallow. Granted the circumstances of this particular incident could have been handled better by me but I was not in the right frame of mind to execute any plans as I was trying to cope with grief. Then two years ago I was traumatized by another person (no relation to me but someone of authority trying to mock my disability (PIP) again this will all be revealed in my book.

Moving on to the present time another person is on my radar that is a leech stuck to my daughter. I disapprove of him and no matter if he jumped through hoops I would still resent him because I believe the feeling is mutual and he is doing everything to drive a wedge between my daughter and I.

I believe the only way you can hurt a person is through their pocket. There is a saying “he who laughs last, laughs the longest”. Watch how I do not support my daughter financially if she chooses this person. Why should he benefit from my hard-earned money? Why should he get a penny from me?

The same goes for my deceased brother’s partner who inherited the whole of his estate after he passed away. Why should I give her the time of day when the sheer greed of her wealth has made her think she is another league to me.

I have a lot of resentment towards her for dumping my brother’s ashes out in the middle of nowhere which once belonged to the Woodland Trust but now is private land with no way of paying my respects even if I wanted to as I could be done for trespassing, not only that it is virtually impossible to reach and for claiming every last penny of a pension that a company reached out to me initially for. I have resentment towards her when I was in a very abusive relationship and asked her if I could come and stay at hers and she then went off the radar never to phone or text to see how I was.

Sure some people find it is awkward if someone asks them for help but if they are decent human beings they will help and not turn their back on a person.

I have no respect for her and I hope that her wealth is short-lived and only brings her more unhappiness. The domino effect is she has moved another man into what was my brother’s house and this man is living off the aftermath of my brother’s death.

The domino effect was my brother having his contract not renewed by a luxury car manufacturer which caused my brother to go to Ecuador to save the rain forest but unfortunately could not save himself. Had the car manufacturer kept him on he would most probably be alive today.

The other domino effect was if my brother’s partner had helped out when I went to her for help I would not have had my ribs broken, my knee dislocated and chemicals sprayed into my eyes, never mind the long list of other things that I have suppressed.

The domino effect for my daughter not being offered a place in her first choice of University because of the stress can cause her to have an MS relapse.

There should be a domino effect law with consequences if things go wrong.

The domino effect of my landlord not hardwiring his electrical points causing me to cook with Gas rather than Electric. The domino effect of my landlord does not double glazing my flat causing my money to filter through the single glazed windows allowing draughts and me to feel extremely cold in the winter months. The domino effect of me feeling extremely stressed because of his actions.

I believe in helping people, if you cannot help because you don’t want to, you are not a decent human being. Helping does not have to be materialistic or physical it could be guidance, advice, and support.

I also resent people in power demanding extortionate amounts of money to survive whilst the rest of the world has to struggle to make ends meet.

https://www.mirror.co.uk/news/politics/tory-donor-asked-fund-nanny-24022098

Do people that think they are better than you s@#t gold or p@# champagne? Is their blood any different from ours? They still have to do all the same things we do, like eat, sleep, go to the bathroom, work and breathe the same air. Just because you have a high-powered job or have a title does not make you any better, you are still a human being at the end of the day.

Here are 5 steps to release and let go of resentment:

  1. Recognize resentment
  2. Confront your resentment
  3. Find ways to overcome your resentment
  4. Try to forgive
  5. Be grateful for what you have and not what you have lost

Note From the Editor

For me, I might find peace to a certain degree but I will never forgive and will never forget. There is a saying “hell hath no fury as a woman scorned“.

People may say I hold grudges, my answer to that is I move on from the ordeal and do not dwell or hold grudges, but learn from them and will never forget and will not forgive. If someone is looking for forgiveness they should turn to the lord (if you believe) and not to me. People only have one chance to redeem themselves. One cannot repeat the same mistakes over and over. You are either a Hollywood friend or a true friend and I am now an expert at reading people, hence I keep my distance.

#mentalhealth #depression #anxiety #discrimination #clinical depression #ptsd

Emotional Distress.

Emotional Distress. Keeping a diary of your medical condition.

By logging down your good days and bad will give your GP or Specialist a more indepth understanding of your day to day problems.

For me most days are the same but some days are severe.

Today is one of those days.

I actually started this post a few days ago and left it as a draft but my mental health is really taking its toll. For example, I heard my ex-husband is in hospital after suffering a heart attack and has other complications such as lupus and cancer. The last time we spoke was 14 years ago and I felt I had been hit by a truck receiving the news today that he was in ICU in an induced coma and is now in a high dependency ward.

To say that this is a shock is an understatement and there are some people in the family I have reached out to.

I know that our divorce was nasty but there is an element of me that still cares.

I hope he recovers and I will get an update on the weekend but for now my mental health is on another level.

Emotional Distress By One of the Culprits (My Landlord)

Not only that my landlord is playing mind games with me. He sends me an email saying he is extending my contract for another 3 years and has drawn up an agreement (by coincidence on the same day I paid him the increased amount of money), for me to sign but he will not do a digital signature and is insisting he needs to see me. A week after his email I get a text that he will be visiting me today and so far he has not called round or text me. This is causing me no end of anxiety as I need him calling round like I need a hole in my head.

I have a problem with social disconnection and do not want to be around people.

I have explained this in my email and told him due to Covid my business has suffered plus other factors which I said etcetera but what I really meant was him increasing my rent causing me to have severe depression and stress. Yet he seems to be oblivious to the fact I am unwell.

If there are any monsters in this world its the people that show no empathy and only think about themselves.

I have recently found out you can sue people that have caused you distress. You obviously need proof of the distress, anxiety, stress, and depression this person has bestowed on you. My evidence is me publically documenting everyone that has caused me harm. You will have to show medical evidence and have witnesses to prove your case. You can claim for the emotional distress the discrimination has caused you – this is called ‘injury to feelings. You‘ll need to say how the discrimination made you feel.

https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/housing/discrimination-in-housing/taking-action/work-out-how-much-compensation-you-could-get-for-discrimination/

The courts recognize emotional distress as a type of damage that can be recovered through a civil lawsuit. This means you can sue someone for emotional trauma or distress if you can provide evidence to support your claims.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/so-sue-me/201408/suing-emotional-distress-outrageous

#mentalhealth #depression #anxiety #discrimination #clinicaldepression #ptsd

What is Narcissism

What is Narcisissism.

Narcissism is a PERSONALITY DISORDER, it is defined by the pursuit of POWER wanting other people to see you as IMPORTANT. Seeking gratification for everything you do including ooking for COMPLIMENTS AND ADMIRATION from a personal self-image to being RECOGNISED for the things you may do. It is the feeling that you love yourself so much that you expect others to love you too and in the same way. A Narcissitic person wants to be NO 1 in everything they do and wants CONTROL of his/her surroundings. The term originated from Greek mythology, where a young man named Narcissus fell in love with his own image reflected in a pool of water.

Todays post was prompted by a comment that was made on another post which got me thinking I should write about Narcissism as this has affected me personally and over the years I tried to evaluate this particular individual that essentially tried to control me.

At first this person who will remain nameless for now was introduced to me by a friend. My first impressions was I did not like him, call it a gut feeling if you will. However it was at the time where I was feeling alone and wanting deperately, someone, anyone to comfort me as I had lost both my parents in a short space of time. It was after several meetings through my social circles I had, I met this person again.

The first time I met him he was very drunk and the times after that he was sober but it was a favour for a friend I ended up meeting him alone (Jan 2010 – all will be revealed in my book). Pleasantly surprised, I found him charming and funny and thought perhaps I had read him wrong and gave him another chance.

It was not long after we started dating and being extremely naive at the time it did not cross my mind that he was interested in me as I had inherited a lot of money. However tragedy struck again within a month of me dating him when I lost my brother.

I felt my life was falling apart and needed someone to help me hold it together.

Obviously being fairly well off I was able to fund holidays abroad and it was most probably four months into our relationship I experienced the first outburst. I brushed it off as I thought maybe he was having an off day as most people do not see eye to eye at some point in their relationship and I just thought it was a one off incident.

He showed no signs of being narcissistic until most probably a year later where he would start to question everything I did and who I was with and the first serious incident was when he sprayed an concoction of chemicals in my eyes and temporarily blinded me.

I will be the first person to admit I was very stupid with what played out after, as I refused to press charges against him. I thought I could reason with him, CHANGE HIM and make him learn from his mistakes, I even suggested therapy, how wrong was I, as it was three year after the first major incident he struck again this time kicking my knee seven times until it dislocated and to this day I now have problems with it and will have to have an operation to have it fixed. I even tried analysing his background as I noticed people in his birthplace very abusive to their partners which made think this is their way of life. His mother even admitted to being abusive to her disabled husband when he was alive, so it could even be a trait copied from his mother.

Obviously he did other things in between these incidents, in which it is all now very difficult to recall and buried deep, but I have logged all the evidence as the incidents occurred at the time, just to protect myself.

What did I learn from this:

  1. Never trust anyone implicitly.
  2. Do not believe you can change a person because you can’t.
  3. The first signs of any abuse find a way to end the relationship.
  4. Have an escape plan.
  5. Tell everyone, friends and family about this person.
  6. Isolate yourself from this person. Have an escape plan.
  7. Know the signs especially if the perpetrator shows no empathy.
  8. Do not make excuses for the narcissist, do not make excuses to yourself saying this was a one off incident or the person will change, because they won’t.
  9. Recognise all the traits.
  10. Empower yourself with confidence and start to love yourself again.

For me I have not really reflected on how I have felt as I buried it under tonnes of work and have always kept myself busy in order not to think and dwell on the past. The past is history and if anything it tought me a life lesson in which I can safetly say I will never be in the same situation again and can forewarn others through my own personal experience. I was stupid and naive to put up with all the BS and all the abuse I endured, I was in a viscious cycle everytime time something happened I would say to myself next time it will not happen but next time alway did. Eventually one day I said enough is enough and have not looked back since. Kicking my knee was what broke the camel’s back so to speak and I was lucky as it could have been a totally different story.

The traits to look out for are:

  1. Lack of Empathy. “The inability to identify with or recognise the experiences and feelings of other people. Everything is about them and belongs to them,”. When I asked the perpertrator to explain why he did the things that he did, he could not give me an answer, did not show guilt or remorse and was unapologetic.
  2. Manipulation. The ability to twist the situation to better suit their narrative is a poignant personality trait that all egotistical people possess. The perpertrator managed to always blame me for everything that he was not happy with. He would judge me all the time.
  3. Projection. Projection is a defence or an unconscious pattern that occurs when the person feels psychologically threatened, they will then accuse you of doing something to throw the linelight off themselves, a good example is the person who is cheating accuses his partner of cheating. He used to always accuse me of being unfaithful.
  4. Emotionally cold. I said earlier in a reponse to a comment that I was cold as ice, but what I failed to say I also have empathy, I do have feelings and I know when I am wrong. My life experience has made more thick skinned and if say someone critises me I just take that as their own opinion. Theres a saying “what does not kill you makes you stronger”. An emotionally cold or distant trait normally surfaces during arguments when one person is experiencing and expressing significant emotion and the narcissistic person just lets your emotions go over his/her head and does not respond, giving you a cold shoulder. This essentially makes you feel alone and unloved.
  5. Gaslighting. Doing things deliberately in order to question yourself, whilst taking the onus off themselves. Gaslighting term first arose from the 1930’s play Gas Light, where a husband, in an attempt to drive his wife crazy, kept turning down the gas-powered lights in the house. When the wife asked why he is dimming the lights, he denied it and said they were no dimmer. Over time the wife would start to question herself and eventually found herself going mad. “Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse that involves denying a person’s experience and making statements, such as ‘that never happened’ or ‘you are too sensitive”,
  6. Never Taking Responsibility. Knowing when you are wrong and admitting to your wrong doings or flaws makes us the bigger person, however with narcissists it is the polar opposite. A narcissist is a master of his/her own illusion and will try to avoid the blame with lying, cheating etc. A narcissist will make up complex excuses and rationalise anything, just so that they are left to blame.
  7. Controlling. The definition of controlling partner means that in most common manifestations of their relationship the narcissist will monitor your whereabouts at all times, checking your emails and text messages, criticising your appearance, and making nearly all important decisions, with little regard for your opinion. In my case not matter have immaculately I dressed and kept my appearance I was always critised and called names. I had my phone taken off me (If I did not give him what he wanted I would get physically abused) and he would post and invite his ex girlfriends onto my Facebook. He would check to see who I was meeting and check my text messages.
  8. Grandiose. Grandiosity is a pattern in which a person tends to exaggerate accomplishments, talents, connections, and experiences. In the case of my abuser he told tails about his past life but I never really believed in anything he said. The narcissist usually do not have to be real experiences, grandiose people tend to maintain over-the-top fantasy worlds. Grandiosity can also be manifested by a sense of self-importance, a belief that their existence is bigger and more important than anyone else’s and certainly more important than yours.
  9. Panic. A narcisist will panic if you threaten to break up or leave them, ss soon as you back away, a narcissist will try that much harder to keep you in their lives. They will do everything and anything to shower you with affection, they will say all the right things to make you think they have changed so that you never leave them and the cycle continues round and round until oneday day you say enough is enough.
  10. Mentally & Physically Abusive. Aswell as playing mind games a narcissist may also become physically violent in order to have control over you. When this happens do not hang around and have an exit plan to get away. In my case I stopped my abuser visiting me and changed the locks, I also showed him all the evidence I have collated and what I will do with it should he ever try to come near me again. So far touch wood it has worked. If you live with your abuser you must make an exit plan where you can grab a bag and run. Make a list of people you can confide in, set up secret codes. Fill your bag with important documents passports, money etc. Just take the essentials so that you can escape to somewhere safe. Or wait for them to leave and change the locks and call the police. For me my abuser is out of my life and I have seen he has moved on as he is in a relationship with someone else, which means he no longer has any use for me.

A narcissist will only move on when they find someone else they can prey on.

That is why narcissists are not loyal and are more likely to play the field. A narcissist can never find love as they are never satisfied with what they have and will always be looking for something better.

Fear – What is Fear.

What is Fear And How Can we Deal With It.

Fear is an emotion that is natural, powerful, and primitive. It involves a universal biochemical response as well as a high individual emotional response.

Fear notifies us of the perceived presence of danger or the threat of harm, whether that danger is physical or psychological.

Fear is related to Phobia’s and Anxiety.

The difference between fear and a phobia lies in the normality of fear, versus the abnormal features of a phobia. Phobias are characterized by:

  • Persistent fear, despite being presented with evidence that the fear is unfounded
  • Exposure elicits intense fear and anxiety, sometimes even a panic attack
  • Irrational and unreasonable fear
  • The affected individual recognizes that the fear is unfounded and excessive (except in young children)
  • Powerlessness to control the intense fear

The distinction between a fear and a phobia can blur with small children. Childhood fears are a normal part of development. However, unlike phobias, normal childhood fears involve an ordinary fear response, have a minimal effect on daily function and revolves as the child matures.

Treatment is only required for childhood fears if they significantly impair function, cause unduly severe fear and anxiety, or persist despite the child’s development; in other words, if they cross the line and become phobias.

https://www.therecoveryvillage.com/mental-health/phobias/related/fear-vs-phobia/

Top List of Fears

1. Fear that we could loose our job

2. Fear we may loose our life partner (husband, wife, boyfrind, girlfriend)

3. Fear of never being good enough

4. Fear we may get into debt

5. Fear we may loose our homes

6. Fear we may become homeless

7. Fear we may become fat

8. Fear we may never find a job

9. Fear of Getting Fat

10. Fear of not passing an exam

11. Fear of being a failure

12 Fear we may never find a partner, anyone to date or live with

13. Fear of being lonely

14. Fear of not making friends

15. Fear of loosing a baby

16. Fear of loosing your children

17). Fear of being assaulted

18). Fear of being raped

19. Fear of being burgled

20. Fear of loosing everything

21. Fear of never succeeding

22. Fear of change

23. Fear of Contracting a Disease

24. Fear of Dying

25. Fear of not being attractive.

Top 100 Phobia List

These are the top 100 phobias in the world, with the most common ones listed from the top. You can click on each phobia to learn about causes, symptoms and treatments.

  1. Arachnophobia – The fear of spiders affects women four times more (48% women and 12% men).
  2. Ophidiophobia – The fear of snakes. Phobics avoid certain cities because they have more snakes.
  3. Acrophobia – The fear of heights. Five percent of the general population suffer from this phobia.
  4. Agoraphobia – The fear of open or crowded spaces. People with this fear often wont leave home.
  5. Cynophobia – The fear of dogs. This includes everything from small Poodles to large Great Danes.
  6. Astraphobia – The fear of thunder/lightning AKA Brontophobia, Tonitrophobia, Ceraunophobia.
  7. Claustrophobia – The fear of small spaces like elevators, small rooms and other enclosed spaces.
  8. Mysophobia – The fear of germs. It is also rightly termed as Germophobia or Bacterophobia.
  9. Aerophobia – The fear of flying. 25 million Americans share a fear of flying.
  10. Trypophobia – The fear of holes is an unusual but pretty common phobia.
  11. Carcinophobia – T he fear of cancer. People with this develop extreme diets.
  12. Thanatophobia – The fear of death. Even talking about death can be hard.
  13. Glossophobia – The fear of public speaking. Not being able to do speeches.
  14. Monophobia – The fear of being alone. Even while eating and/or sleeping.
  15. Atychiphobia – The fear of failure. It is the single greatest barrier to success.
  16. Ornithophobia – The fear of birds. Individuals suffering from this may only fear certain species.
  17. Alektorophobia – The fear of chickens. You may have this phobia if chickens make you panic.
  18. Enochlophobia – The fear of crowds is closely related to Ochlophobia and Demophobia.
  19. Aphenphosmphobia – The fear of intimacy. Fear of being touched and love.
  20. Trypanophobia – The fear of needles. I used to fear needles (that and death).
  21. Anthropophobia – The fear of people. Being afraid of people in all situations.
  22. Aquaphobia – The fear of water. Being afraid of water or being near water.
  23. Autophobia – The fear of abandonment and being abandoned by someone.
  24. Hemophobia – The fear of blood. Even the sight of blood can cause fainting.
  25. Gamophobia – The fear of commitment or sticking with someone to the end.
  26. Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia – The fear of long words. Believe it or not, it’s real.
  27. Xenophobia – The fear of the unknown. Fearing anything or anyone that is strange or foreign.
  28. Vehophobia – The fear of driving. This phobia affects personal and work life.
  29. Basiphobia – The fear of falling. Some may even refuse to walk or stand up.
  30. Achievemephobia – The fear of success. The opposite to the fear of failure.
  31. Theophobia – The fear of God causes an irrational fear of God or religion.
  32. Ailurophobia – The fear of cats. This phobia is also known as Gatophobia.
  33. Metathesiophobia – The fear of change. Sometimes change is a good thing.
  34. Globophobia – The fear of balloons. They should be fun, but not for phobics.
  35. Nyctophobia – The fear of darkness. Being afraid of the dark or the night is common for kids.
  36. Androphobia – The fear of men. Usually seen in younger females, but it can also affect adults.
  37. Phobophobia – The fear of fear. The thought of being afraid of objects/situations.
  38. Philophobia – The fear of love. Being scared of falling in love or emotions.
  39. Triskaidekaphobia – The fear of the number 13 or the bad luck that follows.
  40. Emetophobia – The fear of vomiting and the fear of loss of your self control.
  41. Gephyrophobia – The fear of bridges and crossing even the smallest bridge.
  42. Entomophobia – The fear of bugs and insects, also related to Acarophobia.
  43. Lepidopterophobia – The fear of butterflies and often most winged insects.
  44. Panophobia – The fear of everything or fear that terrible things will happen.
  45. Podophobia – The fear of feet. Some people fear touching or looking at feet, even their own.
  46. Paraskevidekatriaphobia – The fear of Friday the 13th. About 8% of Americans have this phobia.
  47. Somniphobia – The fear of sleep. Being terrified of what might happen right after you fall asleep.
  48. Gynophobia – The fear of women. May occur if you have unresolved mother issues.
  49. Apiphobia – The fear of bees. Many people fear being stung by angry bees.
  50. Koumpounophobia – The fear of buttons. Clothes with buttons are avoided.
  51. Anatidaephobia – The fear of ducks. Somewhere, a duck is watching you.
  52. Pyrophobia – The fear of fire. A natural/primal fear that can be debilitating.
  53. Ranidaphobia – The fear of frogs. Often caused by episodes from childhood.
  54. Galeophobia – The fear of sharks in the ocean or even in swimming pools.
  55. Athazagoraphobia – The fear of being forgotten or not remembering things.
  56. Katsaridaphobia – The fear of cockroaches. This can easily lead to an excessive cleaning disorder.
  57. Iatrophobia – The fear of doctors. Do you delay doctor visits? You may have this.
  58. Pediophobia – The fear of dolls. This phobia could well be Chucky-induced.
  59. Ichthyophobia – The fear of fish. Includes small, large, dead and living fish.
  60. Achondroplasiaphobia – The fear of little people. As they look differently.
  61. Mottephobia – The fear of moths. These insects are only beautiful to some.
  62. Zoophobia – The fear of animals. Applies to both vile and harmless animals.
  63. Bananaphobia – The fear of bananas. If you have this phobia, they are scary.
  64. Sidonglobophobia – The fear of cotton balls or plastic foams. Oh that sound.
  65. Scelerophobia – The fear of crime involves being afraid of burglars, attackers or crime in general.
  66. Cibophobia – The fear of food. The phobia may come from a bad episode while eating, like choking.
  67. Phasmophobia – The fear of ghosts. AKA Spectrophobia. Who you gonna call? Ghostbusters!
  68. Equinophobia – The fear of horses. Animal phobias are pretty common, especially for women.
  69. Musophobia – The fear of mice. Some people find mice cute, but phobics don’t.
  70. Catoptrophobia – The fear of mirrors. Being afraid of what you might see.
  71. Agliophobia – The fear of pain. Being afraid something painful will happen.
  72. Tokophobia – The fear of pregnancy involves giving birth or having children.
  73. Telephonophobia – The fear of talking on the phone. Phobics prefer texting.
  74. Pogonophobia – The fear of beards or being scared of/around bearded men.
  75. Omphalophobia – The fear of belly buttons. Touching and looking at navels.
  76. Pseudodysphagia – The fear of choking often after a bad eating experience.
  77. Bathophobia – The fear of depths can be anything associated with depth (lakes, tunnels, caves).
  78. Cacomorphobia – The fear of fat people. Induced by the media. Affects some anorexics/bulimics.
  79. Gerascophobia – The fear of getting old. Aging is the most natural thing, yet many of us fear it.
  80. Chaetophobia – The fear of hair. Phobics tend to be afraid of other peoples hair.
  81. Nosocomephobia – The fear of hospitals. Let’s face it, no one likes hospitals.
  82. Ligyrophobia – The fear of loud noises. More than the instinctive noise fear.
  83. Didaskaleinophobia – The fear of school. This phobia affects kids mostly.
  84. Technophobia – The fear of technology is often induced by culture/religion.
  85. Chronophobia – The fear of the future. A persistent fear of what is to come.
  86. Spheksophobia – The fear of wasps. You panic and fear getting stung by it.
  87. Ergophobia – The fear of work. Often due to social or performance anxiety.
  88. Coulrophobia – The fear of clowns. Some people find clowns funny, coulrophobics certainly don’t.
  89. Allodoxaphobia – The fear of opinions. Being afraid of hearing what others are thinking of you.
  90. Samhainophobia – The fear of Halloween affects children/superstitious people.
  91. Photophobia – The fear of light caused by something medical or traumatic.
  92. Disposophobia – The fear of getting rid of stuff triggers extreme hoarding.
  93. Numerophobia – The fear of numbers and the mere thought of calculations.
  94. Ombrophobia – The fear of rain. Many fear the rain due to stormy weather.
  95. Coasterphobia – The fear of roller coasters. Ever seen Final Destination 3?
  96. Thalassophobia – The fear of the ocean. Water, waves and unknown spaces.
  97. Scoleciphobia – The fear of worms. Often because of unhygienic conditions.
  98. Kinemortophobia – The fear of zombies. Being afraid that zombies attack and turn you into them.
  99. Myrmecophobia – The fear of ants. Not as common as Arachnophobia, but may feel just as intense.
  100. Taphophobia – The fear of being buried alive by mistake and waking up in a coffin underground.

Fear is an intrusive thought that we battle within our heads when we feel insecure. Fear is the figment of our imagination. If we can visualise a traumatic event we may start to believe it may happen and our brain sends signals for us to be on guard.

Fear is related to anxiety and is a psychological, physiological, and behavioral state induced in animals and humans by a threat to well-being or survival, either actual or potential. Fear is characterized by increased arousal, expectancy, autonomic and neuroendocrine activation, and specific behavior patterns. Our behavioural patterns to changes is the facilitation of a coping mechanism where we are in a situation whereby it may be adverse or unexpected. Pathological anxiety interferes with our ability to cope successfully with life challenges. Vulnerability to psychopathology appears to be a consequence of predisposing factors (or traits), which result from numerous gene-environment interactions during development (particularly during the perinatal period) and experience (life events), in this review, the biology of fear and anxiety will be examined from systemic (brain-behavior relationships, neuronal circuitry, and functional neuroanatomy) and cellular/molecular (neurotransmitters, hormones, and other biochemical factors) points of view, with particular reference to animal models. These models have been instrumental in establishing the biological correlates of fear and anxiety, although the recent development of noninvasive investigation methods in humans, such as the various neuroimaging techniques, certainly opens new avenues of research in this field. Our current knowledge of the biological bases of fear and anxiety is already impressive, and further progress toward models or theories integrating contributions from the medical, biological, and psychological sciences can be expected.

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3181681/

FINAL NOTES

I have my own fears and anxieties and even if i shared them with you it would not help me. I need to find the strength within me to overcome my anxiety, fear and vulnerabilities. Everyone at some point in their lives feels insecure and scared.

I am working on overcoming my fears by writing my thoughts. I also within my writing am building a portfolio of ammunition that I can use if my fears actually materialise.

Do try to face your fears, write them down if you have to or tell someone. Do not keep your fears festering inside as nothing good will come out of it if you.

I try to stay positive as best I can even if the world is throwing boulders at me. I know I will overcome my obstacles and try not to digress on the the bad things that have happened and try to move on at best I can when i am not at my lowest.

On a scale of 1 being fine and 20 being really bad I am 20 plus.

In the last seven days my emotions have taken a battering, and I am anxious and depressed, so it may take me some time to get myself out of this dark place that I am in, no thanks to three entities that have ruined Christmas for me.

Stay safe and speak soon.

Domino Effect.

THE DOMINO EFFECT.

A domino effect is a sequence of events that you have no control over and by setting off one thing you will set off a series of events caused by the consequences of your actions known as a chain reaction.

The term is best known as a mechanical movement and is used as an analogy to a falling row of dominoes. It is best described as to a linked sequence of events where the scenario plays out and is caused from one direct incident causing another incident in a short space of time.

It can be used literally or metaphorically. The term domino effect is used both to imply that an event is inevitable or highly likely (as it has already started to happen), and conversely to imply that an event is impossible or highly unlikely (the one domino left standing).

Demonstration of the effect

The domino effect can easily be visualized by placing a row of dominoes upright, each separated by a small distance. Upon pushing the first domino, the next domino in line will be knocked over, and so on, thus firing a linear chain in which each domino’s fall is triggered by the domino immediately preceding it.

The effect is the same regardless of the length of the chain. The energy used in this chain reaction is the potential energy of the dominoes due to them being in a meta-stable state; when the first domino is toppled, the energy transferred by the fall is greater than the energy needed to knock over the following domino, and so on.

The domino effect is exploited in Rube Goldberg machines.

The domino effect amongst people who suffer with fear, anxiety, depression and mental health can make the individual spiral out of control. This can in some case be life threatening. A consequence to someone elses reaction of a decision one person made can lead to mental health problems.

The domino effect regardless of the circumstances is the direct cause of one person.

One person can cause catastrophic chain of events just by their actions.

Seeing as Covid-19 is soaring out of control we need to break things down. If everything was sterile and sanitised before person (a) gave something to person (b) this would start to slow down the virus. But people like sharing. People lick envelopes and stamps and spread their saliva dna from their fingers to the paper which then gets handled by several people before it reaches its final destination.

But imagine the scenario person (a) unawre they are the carrier of the virus touched something and then passed it on to person (b) you have potentially started a domino effect.

Not every one is going to sterilise their homes before connecting with another person.

Here is another scenario and you cannot drum this enough into young people that they will not listen or take note, just because you have a set of rules there is an element of risk that these rules will be broken. Just because you say do not socialise or meet other people from outside your household does not mean this is set in concrete. People who want to meet other will, “catch me if you can” will be their excuse.

If on the other hand you showed something that would shock the world only then would they start sterilising and staying at home. If you showed people dying from the virus people would be less likely to taking risks. However people take risks all the time and unless you tagged everyone there is no way of keeping people in if they do not want to stay in.

In my post I mention the domino effect from personal experiences.

Consider the consequences of your actions next time you offend or upset someone.

Indimidation & Mental Health Issues.

INTIMIDATION.

Intimidation is intentional behavior performed by someone in which it causes another person (the victim) fear either by physical or psychological injury or harm.

A perpetrator knows what they are doing and will want to gain control of a situation by making their victim feel insecure.

Intimidation can cause psychological damage which will make the victim question themselves, which may lead to depression or suicide.

Intimidation in the workplace can make your office environment to be a toxic place to work in.

When your boss or coworker is subjecting you to intimidation in the workplace your mental health will be affected and you may even find you have no choice but to quit your job if the constant bullying becomes unbearable.

What does Intimidation in the Workplace Look Like?

Workplace intimidation, which is also called workplace bullying, happens when someone superior to you or a coworker uses psychological threats, blackmail or verbal abuse to manipulate an employee to do things in order to feel superior over that person (the victim).

Intimidation may become apparant from the start by the superior showing they are above you. It does not have to be gradual as you may be told by your co-workers that the boss is on the prowl and that you have to jump through hoops to please him or her.

In some cases it may be made apparant over time, where the perpetrator accesses the victims weakness and plays on their insecurities. This does not have to be in the workplace it could be a friend, neighbour, partner or landlord. Basically anyone that has control over you in some way and feels they are superior to you can potentially intimidate you if you let them.

Intimidation can be:

  • Physical violence or threats
  • Raising Voices
  • Ignoring you and your requests
  • Being Hostile physical posturing
  • Humiliating, ridiculing or insulting you in front of coworkers or customers
  • Intentionally dicing you work outside your expertise
  • Purposely finding faults with your work or assigning errors to you that are not your responsibility
  • Copying your ideas and taking credit for your work
  • Sabotaging your work or setting you up to fail
  • Raising the bar for success or setting up different standards for the targeted employee
  • Interfering with your ability to work
  • Highlighting the fact that your are dispensable, that you could loose your job if your work is not up to scratch
  • Showing superiority so that you feel insecure and putting the victim in their place, reminding the victim why they are where they are and how things could eaily change, playing on the victims insecurities.
  • Intimidation that can cause your mental health to change, such as spreading lies.
  • Making the employee feel unwelcome or singled out in social events.

Illegal Workplace Discrimination.

When there is intimidation in workplace it can easily cross the line into illegal workplace discrimination.

This applies to conduct based on:

  • Race
  • Color
  • National origin
  • Sex or gender
  • Pregnancy
  • Religion
  • Disability
  • Age

If an employer makes employment decisions that hinders your job role and assignments or allows its employees to create a hostile work environment, you may be able to make a discrimiantion claim against the employer. If your employer doesn’t live up to its promises or comply with its anti-harassment policies, you may be able to sue based on a breach of contract claim.

Regarless if intimidation is made in the workplace or in another environment such as a landlord intimidating a tenant for example you do have rights and you can find the relevant help in order that you are no longer intimidated and can live a life without feeling insecure. Nobody should live in fear.

**If you have problems at home with your landlord you should contact your local council office.

Your council should have a tenancy relations officer or a housing team who can help.

The council could:

Form N16A: Application for injunction (General form)

Use this general injunction form to ask the court to order a person, company or organisation to do something or not to do something.

n16a-eng

Why People Do Not Care.

Why do people not care?

There are various reasons why someone does not care.

  1. The person has had parents that have not showed any love or affection
  2. This applies to men, where their social upbringing tells them that crying makes them weak and to man up if they are hurting and not to be a big girls blouse. Hence men may not show emotion.
  3. A person may have built a defence mechanism to shield themselves from harm.
  4. A person maybe brainwashed by political or religious groups.
  5. The person has been abused, physically, mentally or both (domestic violence).
  6. The person was raped.
  7. The person was traumatised by grief of losing a loved one.

People only care if they are directly affected by something or someone. This could be their beliefs in which they would be advocates or for people that they know such as family, friends and sometimes even co-workers. It the social connection people have with one another that allows them to show emotion to another person.

The only other times people will care is they are on the job and must, i.e. Doctors & Nurses, Firefighters, Care-workers (who are doing good for society as a whole rather than getting personal) or if a person randomly witnesses someone that needs their help like for example if someone was injured or dying. Volunteering is an act of kindness but does not mean necessarily you care about an individual but more so about a cause.

However if you are doing good does not always mean you care it is how you want to be perceived by others. Doing good for soiciety can only be praised and its out acts of kindness without getting personal that helps us be a better person and make a difference in the world. By helping with a cause, one could be passionate about something and may want to make a mark in society that they have tried to do good, call it a legacy if you will. Our emotitions should not be confused with our acts of kindness (we do not have to care to be kind, it could be our moral duty to be kind). Kindness is an act of compassion which relates to wisdom, confidence, and courage. Kindness is a strength we have to help others. Being compassionate is an attitude we have to dealing with a problem.

People that show no emotion at all or are controlling are called narcissists. However not everyone is without empathy.

Most people care about their family and friends but will not extend to strangers. That is why there are so many homeless people because if society cared they would try to help or take them in. Not all homeless people are junkies and even if they were, there are rehab centres and shelters they can go to if people took a moment to help them out of their busy life rather than walk on by.

How many of us have thrown a penny or two at a homeless person or thought “get a job”? (Before you say anything this has never crossed my mind but I bet you bottom dollar it has to so many people). How many of us have stopped to ask if that person is ok or bought them hot food or a drink ( I know I have) or even given them something warm to wear.

Small acts of kindness will go a long way.

“I for one will show empathy to someone less fortunate than myself rather than an abled bodied person. The reason for this is I have built a barrier round myself and an extremely careful who I am associated with. I have trusted so many people in th past that have betrayed me and caused me harm. I am now extremely cautious who I let in. I find keeping myself to myself is the best form of practice”. I will sooner help a vulnerable person because they need my help not because I care but because it is my moral duty as a human being to help someone less fortuante than myself.

It does not say much about a person that walks on by and does nothing.

Mother Theresa once said “If I look at the mass I will never act. If I look at the one, I will.” These are the words of a woman whose acts of charity and kindness earned her sainthood.

For some people a single death can seem like a tragedy, however we cannot connect to amass loss of life unless we are somehow associated with that loss. Most often than not, the deaths of many simply becomes a statistic, something that happened to someone else, elsewhere.

For me I have be stricken by grief 3 times, never mind all other bad things that have happened to me, which I will be writing in my book”.

Seeing millions of lives lost through natural disasters, wars or to famine is just news that happened somewhere else and did not affect us directly hence we cannot associate ourselves with it.

We can become numb to the news that we hear, and our compassion can be consumed by our day to day living.

Paul Slovic, a psychologist at the University of Oregon who has studied psychic numbing for decades said “One is that it doesn’t deal with numbers in magnitude very well. If we’re talking about lives, one life is tremendously important and valuable and we’ll do anything to protect that life, save that life, rescue that person. But as the numbers increase, our feelings don’t commensurately increase as well.”

Paul Slovic’s research suggests that as statistical numbers associated with a tragedy get larger and larger, we become desensitised show less empathy. Therefore, this can make is less likely to act. Global disasters make people disassociate themselves from the atrocities and they start to become complacent that because it did not affect them there is little they can do and simply carry on with their lives like as if it never happened, even going on to say that they “feel bad” about what has happened but what can they do. Feeling bad which is showing sympathy is different to showing empathy.

Empathy is the ability to understand other people’s feelings just as we have experienced ourselves. Sympathy on the other hand is the ability to take part in someone else’s feelings, mostly by feeling sorrowful about their misfortune, in which we can dissociate.

The same goes with the Coronavirus Covid-19 Pandemic, because we have not been affected by it directly only indirectly some people will have a blasé attitude and may not take it as seriously as it is meant to be. This leads to a kind of apathy that is makes people complacent about hand washing or wearing masks.

People who say they care in one breathe but do nothing to help a person in need in another breathe are false. The ones that say “I would if I could, but I can’t” are simply making excuses, because everyone can help if they tried.

If say someone has financial problems and the other person cannot help them out as they too have financial problems of their own, one still can help the person out by problem solving and researching the best options available.

I wonder next time you ask someone to help you how many will come forward….

Further reading: https://www.bbc.com/future/article/20200630-what-makes-people-stop-caring

How to React When Someone Blanks You.

How to Deal With Someone Who has Blanked You.

So how do you deal with people who blank you?

Being ignored hurts.

Deciding how to react can be difficult especially if you are not bosom pals.

  1. Try to evaluate the situation and consider the implications if you do confront the person and their reaction. They may be false and give you a half hearted apology. Try to think back to the last time you spoke to them (which in my case apart from the text was most probaby at the beginning of the year for my daughters birthday dinner). The situation was strained as I always think there is an ulterior motive to meeting up once a year when you do not bother with that person for the rest of the 364 days. Think of a time perhaps where they have been angry or hostile toward you? Did you say something to offend them? If so, they are probably still stewing over whatever it was set them off in the first place. On the other hand, if you had a great time with them last time, there’s probably a vey good reason they have blanked you. They could have been busy and not had the time to reply or simply forgotten. In my case and I have many people that contact with me on a daily basis I always find time for them and will not blank them as it does not say much about me if I did. Blanking is simply being rude.
  2. Ask another person that knows the two of you, why you’re being ignored. In some cases if you know the persons friends or realtives you could ask them. If the person ignoring you is a friend or coworker, ask a mutual friend or coworker who may know why you’re being ignored. Perhaps you have upset the person inadevtently and they have decided to just ignore you to avoid escalting any conflict. A third party might be able to assess the situation more objectively and help you figure out why you’re being ignored. In my case I could possibly ask me ex-sister in law from my other brothers marriage as this person does speak to her more often than I do. I personally think Madam has got too big for her boots.
  3. Confront the Bull by the Horns. Ask the person ignoring you directly why they are behaving this way. Confront the person ignoring you directly face to face and ask them what is upsetting them. If they are true they will give you an honest answer but if they are false they will be cowardly and say there is nothing wrong just to get you off the scent. Contront the person in a private and quiet place away from any distractions or send them an email or letter and calmly ask why they have chosen to ignore you. Express your feelings in a calm and courteous manner. Present evidence that they’ve been ignoring you, such as not returning your calls or emails, or not responding when you speak to them. Listen attentively to their explanation.

Final Thoughts.

Depending on the circumstances and situation it may be easier said than done and may prove to be awkward to tackle. If you are in a work place and you are being ignored during work time, confront the person or persons individually. Confronting them as a group may cause them to gang up on you. If that does not work then go to your superiors. If however it is during break times, again you can confront the person or persons one by one but tread with caution. You need to find the instigator and get to the bottom of why this is happening to you.

This is simple advice to be a better person, do no blank people, make time for people and consider peoples feelings.

Imposter Syndrome

Have you ever doubted yourself and felt you are not good enough?

Have you ever had some one call you a fake or looked at you like your unreal?

Sometimes we have an element of self doubt and may actually believe we are not good enough because of other people perceptions of us.

Have you ever felt like you don’t belong or had someone point the finger?

Our world is surrounded by people pleasing. If people believe in you it gives you a feeling of euphoria and gives you encouragement.

However there will always be people for what ever their reasons may troll you, say negaitive things about you or simply make you feel less confident about yourself.

https://www.linkedin.com/posts/robmoore1979_instead-of-hating-the-critics-the-trolls-activity-6726845120483729409-zb5B

It could be you are a student and the popular kids gang up on you as you feel you cannot fit in, its their perception not yours or it could be people at work may say sarcastic comments or derogatory remarks in which you then start to doubt yourself.

We all try to do our best but if our best is not always good enough we may get judged.

People are very competitive and want to be like the Jones’s. So if you look like you do not fit in people tend to judge. It s the judging that can make you question your abilities. Just because your neighbour has a nice house lovely garden and top of the range car, they could be in deed very deep in debt and faking it and have no money in the bank, yet you who on the other hand may have less materialistic things to show but may have gold bullion or hundreds of thousands stock market shares.

Peoples ability to analyse a person on their looks or what they own could be so further from the truth and people should not judge a book by its cover. Just because your neighbour goes to work all dressed up in their flashy suit whilst you go to work in a jeans and t-shirt does not make you a lesser of a person. It’s the achievements you have succeeded in that will tell you apart.

Do not listen to what other people say. If you are a success no one can take that away from you.

Imposter syndrome depends on the strength of your mind, if enough people call you a fake or a fraud you start believing it, yet you have the ability to overturn those intrusive thoughts.

The same goes in abusive relationships when the narcissist tries to brain wash you into thinking you are not good enough and that you will not amount to much. The feeling you are loosing control of your own beliefs because of someone elses opinion can actually make you feel very insecure.

The feeling you experience is known as imposter syndrome. Psychologists often call it impostor phenomenon. It is estimated that 70% of people experience these feelings of lack of confidence at some point in their lives. According to a review article published in the International Journal of Behavioral Science, imposter syndrome affects all people from all walks of life.

The thought you are a failure and not good enough manifests in our minds and makes us feel like we are a fraud especially if you hear it from people that try to discredit us.

What is impostor syndrome?

If someone tries to discredit you, you start to have self doubt and only believe you will succeed because of luck, rather than talent or knowledge, experience or qualifications, this can be problematic. If you believe that you are unlucky your chances of succeeding are decreased because of your own beliefs.

We need to re-wire our brains that we are good enough and that someone elses opinion is their opinion and not yours or the rest of the worlds. People are far too often very judgemental and speak their minds which could cause the victim to feel less confindent about themeselves.

I was once was called a fraud by someone who tried discrediting me in court because I was called in as a ‘expert witness’ and he had a lot to loose due to a divorce hearing. I started to feel insecure (not because I did not know what I was talking about or the knowledge I had of my profession) but the fear of what people would think of me, based on the defendants outbursts. I remember I had stage fright and my cerebellar atrophy blocked out certain words which on the spot I could not answer (that did not mean that I did not know them). I am an author on the subject and manage several blogs and my report was prepared meticulously yet the defendant tried to discredit me and to make himself look better. If anything he was the fake and fraudster for claiming he was an expert registering crap domain names that had no SEO value, but I digress. He then contradicted himself and asked me to help him sell them, so if I was so useless and unprofessional at my job why would he have even bothered asking me?, as you can imagine I refused his offer and as soon as I got home blocked him from every social media platform. This was my way of regaining control of the situation. Enough said let sleeping dogs lie.

Impostor syndrome was first identified in 1978 by psychologists Pauline Rose Clance and Suzanne Imes. In their finding and their paper they wrote, their theory was that only women were uniquely affected by impostor syndrome.

https://paulineroseclance.com/impostor_phenomenon.html

However since then and with more research, studies have found that both men and women experience impostor feelings, and Clance published a later paper acknowledging that impostor syndrome is not limited to women. (She also created an impostor syndrome test.) Today, impostor syndrome can apply to anyone “who isn’t able to internalize and own their successes,” says psychologist Audrey Ervin.

Impostor syndrome expert Valerie Young, who is the author of a book on the subject, The Secret Thoughts of Successful Women, has also found patterns in people who experience impostor feelings:

“Perfectionists” set extremely high standards for themselves and others, and even if they meet 99% of their goals, they’re going to feel like failures. Any small mistake will make them question their own competence.


“Experts” feel the need to know to devour every piece of information on a subject before they start a project and constantly look for new certifications or trainings to improve their skills. They won’t apply for a job if they don’t meet all the criteria in the posting, and they might be hesitant to ask a question in class or speak up in a meeting at work because they’re afraid of looking stupid if they don’t already know the answer.


“Independant people also known as Soloists” feel they have to accomplish tasks on their own, and are reluctant to ask for help. Asking for help gives the perception that you are in someway weak, that you cannot figure it out on your own. This then may make people think they are a fake or fraud which in turn makes them think less of you.

People such as narcissists need to feel the need to success in all aspects of life regardless if it is at work, or as parents, or partners. The feeling they need to be in constant full control can cause them to feel anxiety if their goals are not met which could lead them to being abusive and belittling just to regain some power.

Learning abilities and Auto Immune Disorders.

People who have learning disabilites or auto immune disorders may have hidden talents and people cannot be characterised as fake or frauds if there are underlining issues. The person in question may actually be capable of completing assignments but in their unique ways. We cannot judge some one by their disabilities. A prime example would be Stephen William Hawking CH CBE FRS FRSA who was an English theoretical physicist, cosmologist, and author who was director of research at the Centre for Theoretical Cosmology at the University of Cambridge at the time of his death, yet he suffered with Amyotrophic lateral sclerosis or ALS is one of several types of motor neurone diseases. This did not make him into a lesser person and he persevered against all odds and was a world renowned genius, whom is recognised in his field for his accomplishments all over the world.

People who tend to struggle to recite things or work hard to accomplish things tend to makes themselves feel they aren’t ever good enough that they are failures. Their brain tells them that’s proof they’re an impostor. This is psychological and has nothing to do with other peoples perceptions of you.

Have you heard the expression “fake it till you make it”?, that is such bad advise as you should never portray to be someone you are not. If for example you are a web designers but cannot code if your life dependend on it do not go saying you are one. The same goes for any industry you cannot fake your way to becoming a doctor or dentist you need qualifications for that. Never fake it till you make it, as people will soon see the cracks when you fail to do your job properly. You also stand to give your industry a bad name if you pretend to be a professional but in reality you are a cowboy. Not only will you be seen in bad light and bad reviews spread like wildfire you could also potentially cause someone to loose money because of your incompetence. “Never fake it till you make it”.

Why do people experience impostor syndrome?

People experience imposter syndrome because of uncertainties and insecurities in their lives, although there is no single definative answer. Some experts believe it has to do with personality traits—like anxiety or neuroticism—while others focus on family or behavioral causes. Sometimes childhood memories can cause a person to suffer with imposter syndrome because of experiencing low grades in school and being judged or scolded by parents and peers. Favouritism also can play a crucial role where the parents favour a more brighter sibling over them, which could inevitably impact the childs behavourial patterns later on in life. The thought of being praised and appreciated and the longing of success is a viscious circle because if people are contastantly critisied eventually they start doubting themselves and start believing they are not good enough and therefore they believe they are fakes or frauds.

Re-Wiring Our Minds.

We should believe in ourselves and not be bothered what others think of us. We should stop worrying and procrastinating. Who cares about some other person’s opinion of you. You owe nothing to them. If someone judges you it is because they want to make them feel better about themselves. We know what we have achieved and what we can accomplish and just because others do not agree with you, thats their problem not yours. A person is not defined by someone elses opinion, a person is defind at what they have achieved.

” A seed grows with no sound but a tree falls with huge noise. destruction has noise, but creation is quiet. The power of silence. Grow Silently. Confucious.

Do not let anyone stand in your way. Embrace constructive critisism and learn from critique. No one can take away your knowledge. Other people’s personal opinions of you do not matter when they try to break you down. Build an invisibible wall and let the noise deafen their ears and not yours.


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