Category: Understanding Behaviour (Page 1 of 2)

Attitude (Psychology)

ATTITUDE!

An attitude is an emotion and belief (good or bad) portrayed by you or someone else.

In psychology, attitude is a psychological construct, a mental and emotional entity that inheres in or characterizes a person. In other words a definitive belief to a response to a situation.

A good attitude is being positive and optimistic, whilst a bad attitude is negative, judgemental, and pessimistic.

An attitude is a complex feeling and is an acquired state through life experiences and set beliefs.

Attitude is an individual’s predisposed state of mind that influences the individual’s thoughts and actions.

Prominent psychologist Gordon Allport described this latent psychological construct as “the most distinctive and indispensable concept in contemporary social psychology.” Simply put attitudes in psychology are the feelings individuals have about themselves and the world.

Attitude can be formed from a person’s past and present. Key topics in the study of attitudes include attitude strength, attitude change, consumer behavior, and attitude-behavior relationships.

For me, I have had to bite my tongue on many occasions of late when someone I have communicated with has a bad attitude and is very defensive.

I have had to tell myself this is not my fault, that this person must be going through some issues in his life that he is not telling the world about and has this attitude or invisible wall that he hides behind whilst hurling out abuse.

People that have a fear of failure will become defensive and have bad attitudes, going on their high horses shouting from the rooftops, and being loud so as not to give the game away.

People may have attitudes for the following reasons:

  1. Afraid of failure. Some people feel emabarrassed, scared and vulnerable when we feel threatened, like a cornered animal. People put up invisible barriers to “protect” themselves by expecting the worst. We figure that if we don’t expect anything good to happen, we won’t experience any letdown when things don’t go well. We haven’t developed sufficient skills to deal with life not going our way, so we shoot down any relationship or project ahead of time.
  2. Our role models (possibly our parents, teachers, partners, spouses or bosses) with negative or narcissistic controlling attitudes. We try to be strong and end up being defensive, so not to get hurt again.
  3. Acceptance and Approval. We worry what other people think of us. We worry that other people might not approve of us or like us, we decide (either consciously or unconsciously) to beat them to the punch and “not like them first”.
  4. Trauma. We have experienced significant trauma, hardship, relationship breakup, seperation or divorce, or failures, loss of a job, a business failure, including loss of a loved one.
  5. Memories. We subconsciously replaying an issue with an authority figure or someone who controlled us a syndrome known as repetition compulsion. We cannot erase our memories and we cannot forget.
  6. Mental Health Issues. We suffer from clinical depression and/or a chemical imbalance. In such cases, consulting a medical professional might be helpful.
  7. Physical Health Problems. We have a medical condition that causes us to get depressed from worry or anxiety of not knowing if our illness is curable or if we are going to die.

A bad Attitude can cause a domino effect. Treat people like you would want to be treated. If you are rude and hurtful think of the consequences of your actions.

Do not pretend to be something you are not. I see enough of this on LinkedIn with people being false and writing false stories.

Never criticize anyone without being prepared to be criticized back. I had such an incident where I innocently complimented someone for their marketing efforts and said they should comment on other people’s posts and add a link. Well, that did not go down well and this said individual went on his high horse criticizing me so when I pointed out he should not be making posts “Buy my stuff, I need to feed the kids” because it does not look professional although I did not quite use those words. I simply thought if he can throw punches and call me “needy” he should take criticism also and I said what I thought to his marketing campaign which in turn caused him to go on the defense stating that “he can write what he wants” and that it was tongue in cheek humor which obviously backfired. Yes, that is true but he can write what he wants, but he should have also accepted criticism seeing he drew the first sword. But to go to the extreme and openly criticize me in front of his audience is very unprofessional, he should have if anything directly messaged me on a private chat. His argument was that I tried to hijack his post by putting my own link in (I was not selling anything to him or his network and possibly could have helped many people including himself). He then went on to block me like I really care. What he did not realize was I was planning to book a VIP Birthday for my 60th. It is not going to happen now because he was rude and obviously thinks so highly of himself to be super special which he is not. I am not upset about losing his acquaintance as he is two a penny in my eyes, but I am upset about my ruined birthday plans.

I won’t mention his name or what industry he is in as the detectives out there can easily track him down.

I will however promote someone else’s business in the same industry for free so that he knows he bit off more than he can chew. I will make sure the company will secure global positioning and be ahead of their competitors including him.

Have I got a bad attitude, no not really, but people who do me wrong should feel my wrath.

Generally speaking, I am a nice and kind person but God helps those that rattle my cage.

Yes, I am upset, I will get over it as I am a strong person and this feeling is only temporary.

Life goes on and this person is not the only person in his industry offering the service I wanted. As my daughter said, “it’s hard luck for him as he has lost a lot of business, through blocking me for no real reason”

Marketing – Adding links within posts providing you are not selling anything and they are quality links, they are not harmful and should not be deemed as unprofessional or an attempted highjacking of the author’s posts. In fact, social media does not penalize a person for having links inside their posts.

My LinkedIn post saying I was upset went viral and had lots of messages of support. So there are good people out there and I even had some sign-ups for my group “Disabled Entrepreneur”.

Treat people with respect and have a good attitude to life. Never criticize or be judgmental as this can cause mental health issues for the victim. Act professional and if you have something to say message the person privately, not publically.

If you are experiencing any issues please visit our useful links page or alternatively if you have difficultly finding support just drop us a line using the form below and we will be happy to send you some links. If your matter is urgent please contact your local doctor’s surgery or emergency services.

#goodattitude #badattitude #attitude #mentalhealth #stress #depression #anxiety #positivethoughts #negativethoughts #grief #trauma #respect

Feeling Suicidal, Suicidal Thoughts.

Feeling Suicidal, Suicidal Thoughts.

Feeling Suicidal.

“Life is precious, do not waste it”.

Feeling Suicidal is when a person is in a very dark place metaphorically speaking when they have lost the will to live and they see no other way of escaping from the nightmare they are in.

The rise in suicides likely to be linked to austerity – but the story behind each suicide is complex.

When a person has lost all hope and the will to live they cannot see anything else other than dying. They believe that once they die their nightmare will be over and they will not feel anguish, sadness, loneliness, or despair. They do believe the grass is greener on the other side but is it though?.. Some people believe if you commit suicide you go to hell. So if life feels like hell right now, the real hell will be far worse.

When a person falls into this state of feeling hopeless when nothing is working out fine for them and no one understands them or cares or bothers with them it is understandable they may sink deeper into the abyss.

Most of our depression is fueled by fear, loss, and grief. “Disabled Entrepreneur UK” covers all topics in all categories (I have linked some of the topics in this article).

There are many factors that can cause a person to feel so low:

  1. They feel like a failure, they have nothing to show for their life, they fear failure.
  2. They have lost their job.
  3. They have lost their home, through evicition or natual disaster, divorce, seperation or money problems such as bankruptcy or not being able to keep up with the mortgage payments.
  4. They have lost their family through death or family fued.
  5. They have or are going through a divorce and are losing their home, their children and their money.
  6. They have been robbed.
  7. Their business is going under.
  8. They have lost their life partner, through seperation, or death.
  9. They have lost their child through miscarrage, illness or accidental death.
  10. They are discriminated, humiliated or made a mockery of. They have people or institutes that judge them.
  11. The have financial burdens that if their money was taken away how would they cope (benefits).
  12. They feel no one cares or understands them and every time they reach out people do not take them seriously.
  13. They are stuck in a physically and mentally abusive relationship.
  14. They are being bullied in school or in the workplace.
  15. Harrassment because of sexual orientation, religion, skin colour, beliefs, ethnicity.
  16. They have no friends.
  17. They feel lonely.
  18. They feel the world has turned against them.
  19. Their family and friends have turned against them because or their sexual orientation, religion or beliefs.
  20. They are the abuser in a domstic viilent relationship and have they gone too far with their actions and feel worried they will get caught.

Many adults will experience feelings of hopelessness or suicidal thoughts at some point in their lives. 

This could be because they do not have a close support network that understands them (friends/family/co-workers) and they may feel embarrassed to reach anyone in their network for the fear of being laughed at or for the worries they have to be brushed under the carpet so to speak.

SIGNS TO LOOK OUT FOR.

  1. Social Withdrawal.
  2. Excessive Quietness,
  3. Irritability.
  4. Uncharacteristic Outbursts.
  5. Crying For No Reason.
  6. Hating Everything and Everyone.
  7. Talking about Death or Suicide.

“If you are feeling suicidal, the most important thing is to talk to someone“.

If authoritarian institutions try to judge or discriminate against a person for their mental health, remind them no one is perfect and everyone could be in the same shoes as a suicidal person one day feeling life is not worth living”.

When you feel sad and lonely and feel you have no one to turn to there are organizations specifically designed to help people going through what you are going through. They are not discriminating or judgemental they actually care about you as they would not be there otherwise. They are there to lend an ear, you do not even have to say your real name. You just need to take the brave steps to reach out that is all you have to do.

If you are going through a difficult time, you may be feeling isolated and disconnected from your friends, family, or other groups. It might it difficult to start a conversation about your feelings, therefore there are organizations such as the Samaritans that can listen to your problems and perhaps steer you in the right direction. But it’s important that you let the people around you know how you are feeling. It’s important to remember that people in these organizations care and will want to help you.

Saying that, be prepared for the people in your immediate circle that may be oblivious to your sadness and may try to back away because they have their own problems.

The best people to start with are the ones that have been professionally trained, such as a GP or Mental Health Organisation. Not everyone in your close network of friends and family will understand or even want to help you, so keep that in mind.

What to do if you are experiencing suicidal thoughts

Your GP should be the first point of contact for any issues affecting your physical and mental health, including suicidal thoughts. They will also be able to diagnose a state of depression or anything in your lifestyle that may be contributing to how you may be feeling. 

If you do not have a GP but need to speak with a doctor urgently, you can call NHS non-emergency number on 111 and they will direct you to the nearest available walk-in centre or doctor’s surgery.

Tips for coping with suicidal feelings:

  • Try not to think about the future, just focus on the present and getting through the day, start by taking baby steps.
  • Avoid drugs or alcohol, these will only add fuel to the fire.
  • Go to a safe place like a friend’s house, family or public area, avoid being stuck at home alone, go somewhere where there are people around.
  • Start a journal, this could be a physical book or online blog.
  • Find a reason to help others through your personal story.
  • Do something you usually enjoy.

If you are about to harm yourself or have already done so, call 999 as soon as possible or go to Accident and Emergency (A&E) at the nearest hospital.

Professional suicide support services

If you’re feeling very low, you can contact any of the professional support services below for free.

  • Samaritans – call 116 123 or email jo@samaritans.co.uk (available 24/7)
  • Sane Line – call 0300 304 7000 (available 4.30pm – 10.30pm every day)
  • Papyrus Hopeline – call 0800 068 4141, text 07786209697 or email pat@papyrus-uk.org (available 10am – 10pm weekdays, 2pm – 10pm weekends and bank holidays)

The Mental Health Foundation is concerned but not surprised by the latest UK suicide figures. They are in line with other evidence of the distress people are feeling, such as rates of self-harm and self-reported feelings of shame.

Some of the rises in the number of suicides may be due to a change in the rules in England and Wales about how coroners should record suicides. However, it is currently too soon to know what difference the change has made.

Whenever a person takes their own life, there is a complex story behind it.

There is also not a single simple explanation for the increase in the number of people taking their own lives, but it is likely to be linked with economic austerity. We know that suicide rates are linked with people’s uncertainty about their financial futures, unemployment, persistent inequality, loneliness, discrimination, and ill-health. (Citation/Credit).

https://www.mentalhealth.org.uk/blog/suicide-prevention-how-you-can-make-difference

ASKING IF ONE IS FEELING SUICIDAL.

According to The Mental Health Foundation:

Asking “are you having suicidal thoughts?”

  • Asking about suicide does not encourage it, nor does it lead a person to start thinking about it; in fact it may help prevent it, and can start a potentially life-saving conversation

Note From the Editor.

However, I have to agree to disagree, I suffer from Mental Health Issues and on my last PIP assessment I was asked that very question, have I had suicidal thoughts.

  1. Firstly I would not admit to anyone if I had them or not.
  2. Secondly if I did not have those thoughts I basically was given a loaded gun because if I was not thinking about it before, I most certainly was thinking it now and had a seed planted in my head, which I could have easily gone through with it had I have been in that state of mind.

“The difference is I do have everything to live for and can teach people including institutions asking someone directly if they are feeling suicidal can go one of two ways and one has to tread carefully”.

One needs to be subtle and not cause a person to immediately go on the defense and on guard. No one will admit they feel suicidal especially to a stranger unless they actively are looking to get help and are prepared to get the support they need”.

For me personally, this crossed my mind on the odd occasion, but I was not telling a PIP assessor who I did not know and besides my own personal story is complex, it is not one incident but many incidents with many people’s/entities actions that I can blame over many years that have caused me to feel depressed”.

As I walked away with a loaded gun that the PIP Assessor had metaphorically given and had I not found the strength to over-ride my thoughts I very much doubt you would be reading my story today”.

I have since learned that one can over-ride one’s thoughts with neuroscience which I am actively researching. I hope to publish my findings in the near future.

What assessors should ask instead is:

  1. Have you been feeling low?
  2. Do you feel you can talk to someone?
  3. How often do you feel low?
  4. Do you have friends or family you can talk to?
  5. Do you feel hopeless?
  6. Do you feel worthless?
  7. Do you feel the world is against you?
  8. Do you know of any support networks you can reach out to?
  9. Do you turn to alcohol or recreational drugs to surpress your thoughts?
  10. Do you feel your thoughts are very intrusive?
  11. Do you isolate yourself from society?
  12. Can you cope with life?
  13. Do you have any hobbies?
  14. Do you feel proud of yourself?
  15. Has anyone tried to hurt you physically or mentally?

World Health Organisation:

According to “WHO” Nearly 800,000 people die by suicide in the world each year, which is roughly one death every 40 seconds.

Suicide is the 2nd leading cause of death in the world for those aged 15-24 years.

Depression is the leading cause of disability worldwide.

https://apps.who.int/gho/data/node.sdg.3-4-viz-2?lang=en

FINAL THOUGHTS FROM THE EDITOR.

When someone you know looks or behaves not their usual self, ask them if they are ok and that they can talk to you whenever they want with no pressure. Always be kind to people as you do not know what they are going through or feeling.

Never be judgemental or dictate to them what they should or should not do. Everyone has the ability to make their own decisions for their own reasons. If you have an opinion tell it once, it is up to the person to listen, continue bombarding the person with your opinions will eventually make the person withdraw from you. If people do not want to listen or take on board your advice do not force it on them.

If you say you are going to phone someone, stick to it, and never give empty promises as that person could just be waiting for you (CD) as there are consequences to our actions.

Do not be that family member that only reaches out once a year at Christmas. Phone the person regularly throughout the year. Get the distant relative involved in your life, do not disregard them like leftover meat. Phone them if they are not inclined to meet with you.

People battle demons in their heads and it is only right for you as a decent human being to be there for the person that may be going through worse ordeals than yourself.

If you are a good person you will spread awareness that people do not have to go through things alone, share your story so that people can relate to you.

If you do not have a job and no one wants to employ you, then create a job and be your own boss. I can motivate and inspire anyone.

Nothing is so bad that you cannot overcome the problem(s) you are faced with, believe me, I know, I have been there, done that, and got the t-shirt. In fact, it did cross my mind on the odd occasion but found a way to get through it. Besides, I have a family and a business I am grateful for having a roof over my head and food to eat. Find the things you are grateful for and think there is always someone worse off than you. Where there is a will there is a way. Obstacles are there so that we can learn how to overcome them. Life is a lesson to be learned.

So if I can survive with everything I have gone through over the years, so can you.

Suicide is so very final and there is no guarantee what you will be faced with on the other side. It could be as some believe that people who commit suicide go straight to hell and some countries do not give people proper burials just dump their bodies in mass graves. It’s ironic that the actor who played the character Chris Nielsen (Robin Williams) “What Dreams May Come” in a film about suicide, committed suicide. Even famous people have demons and get depressed. (Rich and Depressed).

I have been pushed to my limits many times including when I lost both my parents and my brother but I have also had to deal with domestic violence not to mention losing someone I loved. This is part of the grieving process.

There will always be people who will try to be judgemental and will think they are better than you. Let it all go over your head, no one on this planet is better than you. Just because they may be more educated, have social status, or are some sort of institution or royalty, behind every company, there is a human being doing exactly the same as you, eating, sleeping, and surviving.

https://disabledentrepreneur.uk/category/understanding-behaviour

Anyone who is reading this and simply wants to talk can set up an anonymous Gmail account and message me using the form below.

“Nothing is unbearable that cannot be conquered”.

For me how I deal with depression other than doing research I use this site to write my mental health problems as an online digital journal specifically designed to help myself and others like me.

I can lend an ear and point you in the right direction, you do not have to give your real name and everything you say will be kept confidential”.

**Please note: messages are answered within 24 hours.

However, you can chat with me using the chatbox, Open Monday to Friday Business Hours.

If you want to speak with someone outside of these hours I recommend getting in touch with the Samaritans.

If you want to write your own story I can create your own page and together we can inspire more people”.

#suicide #suicideprevention #suicideawareness #feelingsuicidal #depression #clinicaldepression #grief #anxiety #humanbehaviour #suicidalthoughts #intrusivethoughts #suicidal #feelingsuicidal

Trapped in a Domestic Violent Relationship.

Trapped in a Domestic Violent Relationship.

Trapped in a Domestic Violent Relationship.

In light of the young woman “Gabby Petito” who was murdered in Florida most recently, the story has hit home and has opened up so many bad memories for me.

At the time of this article, being published there is a manhunt going on for her fiance “Brian Laundrie”.

Watching the video of the patrol officers when both the young woman and her fiance were first pulled over, I could relate to some of what was happening at the time.

Gabby was being very overprotective, not only for herself, but she also did not want Brian to get into trouble so she took the blame. She wanted to defuse the situation so that her partner would not be angrier once the authorities had gone.

She also blamed her OCD. (Yes I can relate to this also however if I was talking to someone to get them off my back I would use the OCD excuse).

By coincidence, I suffer from OCD and I know how frustrating this is to someone who does not suffer from it.

I used to be called “CRAZY” by someone I thought I trusted, even as I speak to today there is a stigma attached to people with mental health issues. I was told multiple times by the person who tried to control me that I needed to be locked up in a lunatic asylum. This could have been a trigger to start an argument for Gabby and Brian, as my OCD got me into a lot of arguments myself.

So it is no surprise that a recent conversation I had with someone I have known for 40 years who learned I had OCD never bothered to ring me back after he said he would.

The problem is I do not give people second chances anymore, I used to, but my mindset has changed. If someone does me wrong that is it, I will not have anything more to do with them.

If people assume that disabilities especially mental health ones are labeled as “crazy”, I have news for you being anxious, depressed, and having panic attacks are also mental health issues, so we all have an element of craziness in us.

For me at the time of my physical and mental abuse, I had lost my brother to a drowning accident and felt my life was falling apart. I believed that the person I had turned to for solace, whom I trusted would protect me from harm ended up the person who nearly cost my life.

When I first met my ex-partner in 2009 I should have gone with my gut feeling as I did not like him at first. I remembered my brother’s words shortly before his passing that I should start dating. I had been divorced for nine years and did not need anyone in my life up until that point when my parents passed away and then my brother.

My ex had heard I had come into a large inheritance and my naivety prevailed as I thought he was in pursuit of me, not my money (I was very naive and stupid), so in January 2010 we started dating.

Everything seemed fine until I heard in February 2010 my brother was involved in a freak accident in Ecuador where he sadly lost his life.

I needed my ex more than ever to help me stay sane. I did start to have feelings for him (I cared for him but was not in love, more like lust) and found when he started to show his true colours approximately four months later after my brother had passed away, whilst we were visiting my family in Poland for a wedding, I should have seen all the warning signs with his vulgarity and disrespect to me and left him there and then, but I didn’t.

On the way back to the UK he was just rude and vulgar but not physically abusive. It would be approximately a year later that he physically attacked me.

This is when my whole world turned truly upside down. I felt I was in the middle of the eye of a tornado where not only did he physically assault me, I then had the authorities putting pressure on me to have him charged. I felt my whole world falling apart and I could not cope with the anguish and the stress.

Similar to what this young woman was going through in the video I tried to defend him and say it was my fault that things got out of hand, so as not to cause further anger or cause a rift between us.

I believed then (not now), that people are not born evil and thought once the dust settled I could reason with him and get him the help and therapy he needed without getting him into trouble with the authorities. That was a stupid naive mistake I made as one can inherit narcissistic traits.

You cannot change a person that does not want to change”.

This did not turn out well or go in my favour when I refused to press charges. I then became a target and was treated like a criminal for harbouring a would-be criminal in the eyes of the law and the authorities turned against me and threatened to take away my child.

I was in the middle of a storm and had no one to turn to. I did not trust anyone and I felt very alone. I was scared how would I cope with being on my own even though it did not dawn on me I was actually alone for nine years prior to meeting my ex, so why did being alone actually matter?

I was obviously not thinking straight. Just like “Gabby” I was afraid to lose the person I hoped to settle down with. It did not matter how many people advised me or how many people tried to keep us apart I had one goal and that was to make amends and start over, forgive and forget.

Needless to say, my ex did get charged by the Police and ended up going on remand for a week in jail but because I refused to give evidence the charges got dropped for lack of them.

I was now an enemy of the state.

Had the Police not got involved in the first place there could have been a totally different outcome and I could have easily been maimed for life or ended up dead. However, after he was released from custody his behaviour only got worse over time.

I was advised to move or go to a women’s shelter which I point blank refused. I thought why should I go on the run, move home and my business because of him. I had a woman’s shelter person insist on making them my friend and again, I did not want anything to do with strangers I just wanted to sort out the mess all by myself.

I ended with a police marker on my property and that if I was ever to call the Police or anyone else called the police, they would have blue lights blazing or so I thought.

It was hard to gain my ex’s trust after that and his anger only festered even more as he blamed me for getting the police involved even though he drew the first sword so to speak. He was in complete denial that he had done anything wrong.

From then on I was the target of verbal abuse on a constant basis and he was careful most of the time that there were no witnesses to his behaviour especially my daughter who he did not trust either as both my daughter and I were two peas from the same pod. However, there were a couple of occasions once on a busy high street where I was walking back from a Garage whilst my daughter was in school where he poured a can of beer over my head on busy high street causing the hairdressers to run out of the shop to comfort me and another time in Poland where he punched me whilst he was driving the car with his elderly aunt in the back. Other than that he did everything when there was no one around.

There were a lot of incidents that stuck in my mind and as I write this article I am still not ready to tell the world what exactly happened and what he did to me.

It is still very mentally painful for me to recall everything and I have tried to suppress my mental wounds and memories knowing in time I will heal. I hope one day to tell my story to help women just like Gabby.

It is more common than people think especially in Poland as an example and by coincidence another wife-beater whose wife I happened to help about two and half years ago in a similar situation to mine only messaged me the other day to help him.

These men are delusional and considering he knows my ex-partner and what he did to me as he listened to the audio recordings I have, you would think considering he too was in a similar situation not so long ago himself, he would not be so naive to think I would help him.

Polish people stick together in communities especially in a foreign land and because English is my native tongue but I am bi-lingual that is why Poles come to me for help.

I told him I was busy for the next few months with work and told him to contact someone else. I have no intention of helping someone that beats women one day and acts like nothing happened the next.

I know none of what has happened to me was my fault. It was my ex’s insecurities that made him the way he was, not to mention that it is part of the culture in rural areas of Poland where the men go to work grafting in fields all day whilst the women are supposed to keep a tidy home, have their dinners ready and oblige to every whim.

Furthermore, the abuse is passed from generation to generation especially considering that some men drink excessively to the point they are paralytic and that is when the demons come out. Although my ex was very much sober when he was physically and mentally abusive towards me and was more subdued when he was drunk, these are the characteristics of a narcissist, a dangerous, psychotic person.

Looking back at my ex, his mother admitted she was physically and mentally abusive to her crippled wheelchair-bound husband when my ex was a toddler. So from a young age growing up, he started to have a hatred towards women and I witnessed how he pushed his elderly mother’s frail body nearly causing her to fall. I also heard his vulgarity towards his own mother who walked out of the room so as not to show him that his words hurt her and that she was crying. He never apologized when she returned just stared at her giving her dirty looks.

The last straw that broke the camel’s back for me was when I decided to put a stop to his abuse once and for all. He dislocated my knee and that was it there was no turning back. I had already collected enough evidence previously and had started to hate him (there is a thin line between love and hate). Any feelings I had for him had long gone.

I then came up with a plan, I could see that he was getting, even more, angrier with me and that there was no reasoning with him so I started to collect evidence and recorded him secretly.

Over time I managed to collect enough evidence that he would be facing jail for a very long time and with this evidence which I presented to him I gave him an ultimatum to leave me alone once and for all and to payback for all the damages otherwise, I would go to the Police. I made multiple copies of the evidence I had and told him should anything ever happen to my daughter or me, the police would go looking for him.

He knows that if he fails to pay me for everything he has broken or tries to come near me he will have the Police knocking on his door.

Yes he caused me harm and I do have memories but I can safely say I was lucky to have got away from him for good.

I have blocked him on all social media and unfriended all his friends, family, and associates. The less he knows about me the better.

Am I still concerned he may carry out his threats, perhaps if I provoked him, that is why I remain to stay civil until I am ready to disassociate myself for good?

Moving is my final goal. My businesses are online with no physical addresses so I have no worries there. There will be a time when I sever all ties with him when I am good and ready.

My circumstances and the threats he made I will not divulge until I am ready to tell the world, hence I have CCTV outside my property, had the locks changed, and am very vigilant.

I do not go out because of my mental and physical health which some of it was caused by my ex.

Recovery.

I have a long road to recovery and where someone asked me the other day am I in a relationship, even though I had told this person previously many months prior about my ex, this individual was oblivious to the fact that my ex has caused considerable mental and physical damage, so why on God’s earth would I ever want to get involved with anyone ever again?

I have in my lifetime witnessed my father slap my mother, my cousin being dragged by her hair by her husband. Have had my own personal experiences and have had been made aware of domestic violence in the Polish Community in the City I live in.

Abuse majority of the time is behind closed doors. People are either too afraid to get help, are too embarrassed, or simply do not know how to end the nightmare they live in.

Some people believe they can change a person (I was one of them), but in reality, you cannot change a person unless they are willing to accept your help and are willing to change.

Sometimes an assault can happen when you least expect it.

If you are in imminent danger try to get away. Sometimes talking calmly and showing you are not afraid can help to defuse the situation and then when you are confident you can leave without getting harmed leave at the first opportunity.

If you are in a situation where this happens often and you have not found the courage to leave or report the crime, secretly record the abusive behaviour. You do not have to have catalouges of episodes, one incident is enough, and then make a secret plan on the first opportunity to leave and not return. Try to have an escape plan. (In my case he was a visitor in my home so it was hard to get him to leave).

I actually did reach out to my dead brother’s girlfriend to hide and she turned her back on me.

Things you should.

  1. At the first opportunity go to the police, especailly if you have children or are in imminent danger.
  2. Prior to fleeing delete all of the abusers friends, family and associates off all social media accounts and block them. (Tell your partner your account was taken down by social media for sharing something that goes against their policies, not that you closed it as that will make the abuser angry).
  3. Give all the people you know nicknames and change their real names to the nicknames on your phone should the abuser insist on going through your phone to see who you phoned last or who had phoned you.
  4. Change your passwords on everything.
  5. Arrange to stay with someone that is not the obvious person on the list your abuser will go and visit.
  6. Let all the people you know in your network, your friends, family they have nicknames and that if they get an unknown call from the abuser to not identify themselves. The only risk is ther abuser may recognise their voice.
  7. Save some money put a few pounds/dollars aside each week so that when you are ready to flee you are able to do so without any monetary difficulty.
  8. Keep all your important documents together, passport, driving licence etc so that you have no worries they will get destroyed by the abuser and you have them to hand in an emergency.
  9. Have a bag packed ready to go. (Make sure your abuser does not clock on what you are up to. Do not make it a suitcase more a like a large handbag, small holdall or backpack)
  10. Be careful who you talk to and trust.
  11. Cover your tracks.
  12. Invest in another phone with another number so that if your abuser uses his acquaintances to phone you it will be more difficult to track you down.
  13. Keep your accounts private on social media and do not accept anyone you do not know as a connection, as your abuser could easily set up a fake account just to trap you or get an unknown friend to spy on you.
  14. Do not be ashamed of your situation, many women and men are going through domestic violent relationships right now as we speak. Tell your neighbours to be aware of loud noises or raised voices.
  15. Do not try to fight or retaliate in a volitile situation, instead try to stay calm and quiet to try and defuse the situation and once the coast is clear and the situation has calmed down make an excuse that you will go up the road to buy a bottle of wine or some beer giving you the opportunity to leave in a safe manner. Say it is a peace offering to start over. Do not try sneaking out as that will relight a smouldering flame.

They say an apple does not fall far from the tree and knowing I had a police marker on my property when a boy threatened my daughter a couple of years later I phoned the police. After 10 minutes of no sounds of sirens in the far distance and no police to my daughter’s rescue, I phoned again and the operator turned around and I quote “we are sitting at the end of your street waiting for you to phone us”. Imagine the seriousness of the call every second mattered so if my daughter and I were in imminent danger I do not believe the police would be in any hurry blasting their sirens to rescue us. Like I said before, I think I am now an enemy of the state because I did not press charges.

Going back to “Brain Laundrie”, this is only my opinion, he is most probably very scared and insecure and I believe and this is something my ex’s mother said to me all those years ago, if I were to press charges and, my ex was going to face jail, he would most probably kill himself and she would blame me. It is a vicious circle that I believe started with her narcissism towards her husband in front of her child who turned out to be a narcissist.

As for the whole “Brian Laundrie” case, I am sitting on the fence just like the rest of the world but if my child had killed their partner or was in serious trouble with the authorities I would try to persuade them to turn themselves in. I certainly would not go on a camping trip as a family and I would try and give all my support to the person’s family of the child that was murdered. There are too many unanswered questions and I do hope they find Brian alive so that this can bring closure to Gabby’s family.

What is the worst that can happen for Brian apart from the freeboard and lodgings he will indefinitely have if he is sent to jail if it was accidental or manslaughter? If on the other hand, it was first-degree murder then that constitutes the death penalty in Florida, but even then I would try to rehabilitate myself and help mentor other people with narcissistic problems before I met my maker.

There is a lot of outcry because of so many other missing persons in the USA and the rest of the world but the focus is on one person to be found preferably alive to be made an example of.

The way I see it, Gabby would not have died in vain and instead become a symbol and sacrifice for women all over the world to get out of abusive relationships before they meet the same fate as Gabby.

Gabby should be made a Saint by the Vatican.

More needs to be done to spread awareness of the dangers of abusive relationships.

“My condolences to Gabby’s family and thoughts and prayers at this most difficult time”.

#domesticviolence #narcissist #narcissism #physicalabuse #mentalabuse #violence #bullying #disrespect #humiliation #gaslighting #controlling #bully #bullying #spitting #hitting #slapping #verbalabuse#vulgarity #intimidating #intimidation

Rich & Depressed

Rich, Disabled & Depressed.

Did you know that rich people get depressed just like the disabled, working-class, and poor? In fact, in our current climate, everyone gets depressed at some point in their lives regardless, of gender, ethnicity, job title, social status, wealth, or physical and mental disabilities?

There is no such thing as a perfect world or perfect lifestyle that most of us try to strive for. The higher we climb the harder we fall and with more wealth, there will be more problems.

There is not one person on this planet that cannot say they have never been depressed. Even babies can be born depressed.

Rich people are prone to depression because a lot of money of their net worth exists in untouchable assets such as home equity and retirement accounts, not only pressures of work can take their toll on a person’s mental state. For rich people some of the time their wealth only exists on paper and they cannot spend it and run the risk of disappearing due to market conditions.

Rich people spend less time with their families and more time at work, this then puts strain on relationships.

Where the working class person can allocate time to spend with their families in the evenings and weekends and middle to high-class entrepreneurs will prioritize their business in order to run a tight ship. with no time wasted and every day is one day closer to striking gold and more gold. Not everyone is born privileged.

However, saying this person is born privileged or is famous and in the public arena may find it difficult to live normal lives. They cannot just pop down to a local cafe or supermarket their every move is documented so they live in a secluded place away from prying eyes.

The upper class and born privileged person may not understand about other classes and with money flowing may take their wealth for granted but again a wealthy person may also experience depression as they cannot walk on Gods earth freely without being followed by paparazzi and may have to have an entourage of security guarding them. They cannot walk into a store or go anywhere public. They are imprisoned in their own surroundings. They may not have the freedom to do things randomly unlike the rest of the world.

Most CEOs, founders, the innovators are prone to depression more so than the average person, possessing subtle psychopathic traits and be more prone to addiction.

Their addiction and obsession with work only fuel the fire to not fail. Rich people may also turn to alcohol and recreational drugs to self-medicate. These tendencies may even help the individual rise to such heights through their insecurities.

Research suggests that CEOs may be depressed at more than double the rate of the general public (which is already about 20%).

It is also suggested that even privileged rich kids are, counter-intuitively, more depressed and anxious than their middle- or low-income peers. This could be because a social group trap is so tight-knit that it would be virtually impossible to make friends out of their social circle, giving rich kids less freedom. Rich kids do not mix with poor kids or vice versa.

People on low incomes have lower expectations and working-class families learn to cope with the bare minimums and are truly grateful for what they have, which high class have more expectations and are not grateful of what they have because they always want more and better things than the Jones’s. Low-class families are more humble and can show more empathy and understand that a less privileged person will be eternally grateful for any help that is given to them.

Hence a lower class family will be eternally grateful compared to a wealthy family. Whilst a wealthy family will expect the best of the best and if they do not get what they desire they may experience anxiety and depression. There is currently not enough research about the prevalence of depression in the upper vs. the lower socioeconomic classes within a country.

Psychologists who have treated the very high-functioning C-suite types over the years have collected data consensus that tells them that people of high social status and enormous wealth are prone to major depression for a variety of reasons than people of other socioeconomic strata.

Todd Essig, a Forbes writer, and psychologist in New York City said “Uber-success can be depressogenic”. “Many C-suite executives are prone to depression, despite their success, maybe even because of it.”

Depression can affect the lives of everyone, in any stratum.

Regardless if you are rich, poor, or with a disability, no one is immune to anxiety and depression.

However, people who have extreme success are more prone to depression because a person who is successful has chased their own dream and is more protective of it causing isolation and the pressures to keep it a success and not to fail can cause a person to isolate.

People of extreme successes are more prone to criticism there will always be competitors and haters and people just watching and waiting for them to fail.

A person in the public eye may not always have people who will believe in their success.

In this not-so-perfect world where most of us want a perfect life, this is virtually impossible as money cannot buy you happiness. It is a constant battle to please people to have people on the same page as you and there will always be people that are jealous and will say things out of context just to hurt you. It is a constant battle to stay on top which triggers depression in those you’d least expect it. People who are successful, wealthy, and with a disability may find even more pressure to not fail and have to work even harder to get around obstacles. In fact, some of the most successful people in history have suffered from relentless, incapacitating depression – some have won their battles, or, at least, continued to battle, yet some, sadly, succumb to them.

Comparing yourself to the Joneses

People who are extremely successful and very wealthy will always want the best of the best and will always compete with one another to have something grander. This could be the best-hosted party in which mingling with other wealthy people only puts more pressure to make their event even more spectacular. Their competitors, neighbor, or friends dripping with jewels then their jewels would have to be bigger and more expensive, this could also be designer clothes, accessories, cars, properties, etc. They constantly compare themselves to the Joneses. Countries that are low-income, on the other hand, have low depression rates. However even countries with low wealth still like to compete, you should see the graves in Poland the bigger and grander reflects the wealth of the family.

Some people habitually measure their self-worth by materialistic items that they own. Even people of low wealth try to portray they are rich by wearing designer clothes and accessories but in reality, they do not have two pennies to rub together. Not everything that glistens is gold.

Quality Time

People of working or low class have time to delegate their free time whilst a person who is an entrepreneur will be more driven in making their business succeed and may neglect family in order to concentrate on making their business a success. Once at the top of the ladder they will constantly be overprotective to make their business stay in the number one spot. This adds further stress and anxiety and eventually depression.

People of the lower class do not have the same expectations and those of the working or middle or higher class. They may be complacent to what they have and will not be driven to improve their lives they will not have the same pressure as working or middle-class people. Entrepreneurs are on the spectrum of the lower, working, middle and upper class but they have a key goal to succeed. They will battle to climb the ladder. To achieve extreme success, a person needs to dedicate an extraordinary amount of time and effort to get there, which can make for a life that feels precipitous and lonely.

People climbing the ladder may find everyday things that people take for granted like spending time with family mundane and not proactive. Going for leisurely walks or taking time out to exercise may be an ordeal and you will be surprised that many successful people have their own Gyms or exercise bikes in their offices. Also engaging in meaningless conversations and socializing with people that do not have the same vision adds even more pressure to socially disconnect.

Privilege People

People who have been born wealthy and do not have to ever worry about putting food on the table may find it hard to cope if they find themselves in uncharted territory. People born into wealth do not understand and may find it harder to cope with life problems as they have always been shielded from it. Arnold Washton, a psychologist at Compass Health Group said that depression may also be more common in people who have only known wealth, since they may not be familiar with bootstrapping themselves through difficult times. However, people who self-made millionaires or billionaires may be more resilient as they have experienced the struggles of getting to the top and they know what to expect. A self-made millionaire, a billionaire has more authority to teach people about wealth than someone who was born with a silver spoon in their mouth.

The higher you rise the harder you fall.

To be always vigilant and be prepared for disasters and knowing from all the mistakes and failures you have had will give you a building block to start again. Having a stepping stone if things go belly up and being able to reinvent yourself is one key factor to making sure you succeed. If something is not working quite right create another building block. When business is bad, it goes without saying that depression would be more likely. In good economic times, even if every milestone is hit at exactly the right point, some may find that they feel they have failed. Rather than let everything come tumbling down have strategies in place for every economic disaster.

Just because someone is super-wealthy does not mean you have to be less empathetic towards them. By helping them get through their depression will encourage them to help you. The super-rich also have bills to pay and have obligations just like you and I. Obviously our bills are nothing compared to the magnitude of theirs but it’s bills all the same. Unless a person is a ruler of the land or oil tycoon even then the laws of the land may forbid their relatives to live normal lives. Even princesses have attempted to escape certain countries because they want to live normal lives. Knowing a person is depressed regardless of their stature one can only offer a helping hand this could be just an anonymous talk or perhaps advice and links to organizations.

Rich Person Insecurities.

  1. Keeping up with the Jones
  2. Health Issues, Mental Health, Physical and Mental Disabilities
  3. Sealing the Next Deal
  4. Finding Funds for the Next Investment
  5. Shopaholic, Wife, Girlfriend, Partner, Mistress (Over Spending)
  6. Infidelity (Not being satisfied)
  7. Balancing Work and Family Life
  8. Pressures to Succeed and maintain No1 spot
  9. Market Conditions
  10. Untouchable Assets

Wealth/Money cannot buy you health or happiness. Wealth? Money is a tool and a monetary exchange for something you desire. Wealth can satisfy your needs and fill in an empty void, it can help secure your future and your family’s future but it cannot buy you health or happiness. Having material things and assets may make you feel more superior but it will never make you happy.

The key to happiness is knowing that what you do helps others. However to be happy you need to be healthy and you have to treat your body like a temple. If you look after your body it will look after you the spiritual being in the physical body.

If someone is suffering from depression and recognizes they have a problem this does not make them weak. By reaching out to someone is the first step to healing.

Sharing your pain, your worries, and anxieties are the first step to alleviating the problem. A person who is suffering should not suffer alone and needs to reach out to someone or seek professional help.

Regardless of the person’s title or wealth status, we are all human at the end of the day.

Regardless of who you are you can drop us a line you do not have to give your real name and you can set up a Gmail email if you simply feel life is unbearable we are here to lend an ear and we can offer suggestions.

Whatever you are going through you do not have to go through it alone. You are not the first or the last person to suffer and you should not suffer in silence.

#stress #depression #clinicaldepression #ocd #mental health #obsessivecompultivedisorder #bipolar #anxiety #worry #worries #loneliness #therapy #hypnosis #talking #chatting #reachingout #suicideprevention #prescriptiondrugs #antidepressants #famouspeoplewithdepression #richanddepressed

Support & Encouragement

Support & Encouragement

If you can follow like and share complete strangers’ content and worship celebrities then why can you not be supportive to your family, friends, and their businesses?

I will give you an example I did a social experiment yesterday to see how many members of my family would, like, comment, share, or even respond to a text message and Facebook post I had made, even though they are active online.

You will be surprised to know that I had ZERO interaction from them, yet they want me to sit at the same table as them and have dinner with them.

If you can gawk at a TV show for half an hour idolizing celebs you have never met or spend time on social media platforms, why can you not be supportive of friends and family that may rely on likes, shares, and comments to generate more traffic to their businesses?

According to the latest statistics an average person spends 145 minutes every day on social media, or 2 hours and 25 minutes every day. One of the most surprising things is that the figure has gone up by almost a full hour since 2012, so if every person with a smartphone checks their phone for messages and emails to then say they are not connected with the main social media platforms may be telling a white lie. Our brains are wired to release a chemical called dopamine which is a neurotransmitter to make us feel happy, it prompts us to connect online and can be addictive.

It is therefore disappointing to know that these members of my family have totally ignored the message I sent yesterday, in fact, total strangers over 9.5K on LinkedIn alone and I have never met before are more supportive of me online than my own family, which basically says a lot.

Therefore I have to analyse why that could be and this is what I have found.

  1. People are so consumed in their own beliefs and lifestyles and may not understand yours, hence will not be supportive of you.
  2. Others may be insecure about their own dead-end lives and may not want you to succeed for the fear that you might actually make something of yourself and leave them standing. This for all intent and purposes it is jealousy, as they can see you are turning your life around whilst they are stuck in their mundane lives, eating, sleeping, and working with no purpose and most cases up to their eyeballs in debt (mortgages, car loans credit cards, etc). Your life is more exciting than theirs, especially if you are debt-free.
  3. Most people are batteries in the matrix and are programmed and will not support or encourage you because they do not know-how.
  4. Sometimes entrepreneurs may act a little crazy, weird, different, outrageous, and maybe dreamers, believers, trailblazers. This is nothing to be shunned upon in fact it should be celebrated. Yet people do not like anything that is different, they like normal and may label you as eccentric and have reservations and fear that your craziness may rub off on them so they do not comment or interact.
  5. They may think very highly of themselves even going as far as believing they are better than you, so will not be supportive of anything you put your hands to, (which I believe is true). A true friend or sincere family member will reach out to you at least once a month and not a couple of times a year.
  6. Often in entrepreneurship CEOs may make decisions that others would not consider doing as they want to play safely in their mundane lives. They may not support you because they see what you do is a gamble.
  7. If your family or friends see no change in your lifestyle, they may think you are not succeeding and without you proving you have assets they will never believe in you until they see it for themselves, hence will not give you the encouragement as they will assume and presume you are failing.
  8. People may not support you because they do not believe in your values.
  9. They may not understand the concept that the more likes, shares, and comments you have the more traffic it will attract as their friends will see your content also and the cycle continues.

I wrote a post on Linkedin asking if a domain broker does not interact with you on your posts, should you like, share and comment on their posts? I believe everyone that wants exposure should interact with one another, a bit like “I will scratch your back if you scratch mine”. It does not have to be business orientated it could be you as an individual wanting more connections, friend requests, and liked to your posts.

“When someone does not support or encourage you, do what you do twice and take pictures”.

My social experiment was a disaster but my family got the message I was advertising, even though they may deny ever receiving anything from me and not realize the aftermath and consequences of their unresponsive reactions.

There is always a domino effect to everything we do in life. If they are not interested in my life, only when it suits them, then why should I be interested in theirs?

“Their beliefs are not your beliefs”.

“Never tell people your problems, 80% don’t care and the other 20% are glad you have them”.

“Don’t feel bad when people reject you. People usually reject things because they can’t afford them”.

“Never ignore someone who cares about you because someday you’ll realize you lost a diamond when you were busy collecting stones”.

For me, I am trying to not be resentful because the members of my family that have not been supportive in what I do could have helped me by spreading awareness which essentially costs nothing. I do not need empowerment from them, they have had plenty of chances, but it would have been nice to have had a like, comment, and share rather than nothing at all.

In turn, they could have inadvertently helped others like myself that suffer from disabilities to encourage them with kind comments. It is not as if they never received my message as I sent them all a text message which was delivered.

Giving support and encouragement can be uplifting and can change a person’s mood and help with mental health issues. Always be kind and considerate and do think twice before scrolling past a post or completely ignoring a text message, especially if they are friends or family.

My family’s time will come when they will learn the truth of how I actually have felt and how their lack of support has affected my mental health.

I do not dwell on things, just record certain memories for reference. I am learning to disassociate myself from negativity and judgemental people, who are just watching and waiting for you to fail. Never let anyone’s negativity alter your mental state it is their opinion it is no the rest of the world’s opinion and who are they at the end of the day if they are judgemental and unsupportive.

I suppose you live and learn and you carry on.

https://www.thedailypositive.com/32-facts-to-remember-when-people-are-unsupportive/

How To Deal With Grief.

How to Deal With Grief.

Grief is a debilitating devastating emotion and it can crush you. Only you will deal with the grief in your own way, there is no right or wrong way and no one can tell you otherwise.

What is grief?

Grief is a natural process that we experience when it comes to the loss of a loved one. Grief is our body’s way of coping with the emotional suffering when someone we love is taken away. We will often have an overwhelming emotion of heart-wrenching heartache.

The initial feeling of coming to terms with such an emotion can be a shock, horror, anger, disbelief, guilt, and profound sadness. Our emotions of grief can cause devasting mental health issues and can also disrupt our physical health.

Dealing with grief may make sleeping more difficult, taking care of our well-being and eating habits even going as far as loss of appetite. It can even cause us to not think properly or clearly and cause us not to be able to perform mundane tasks, let alone more complex actions.

Dealing with grief are natural responses and emotions which are normal reactions and the more important and significant the loss, the more intense the grief will be.

Different types of Loss.

There are many ways of experiencing grief, it may not necessarily be through death but could be something that causes us to feel helpless and not in control.

Having to lose someone near and dear to you can be a life-changing event and emotion and very debilitating.

Having to learn to cope and to start life over again, not having something or someone around can be challenging and can put our mental abilities to the test.

Different Forms of Loss & Trauma.

  1. Loss of a job
  2. Loss of financial stability and support
  3. Loss of Spouse through divorce
  4. A break-up of a relationship
  5. Loss of health
  6. Death of a Pet
  7. Loss of a Business
  8. Loss of a Friend (breakdown of friendship or death)
  9. Loss of a Parent through Death
  10. Loss of a Sibling through Death
  11. Loss of a Child through Death
  12. Loss of an unborn child – Miscarriage
  13. Loss of a Spouse, a wife, or husband through death (from a sudden event as well as a serious illness)
  14. Loss of a family home due to financial issues or divorce
  15. Loss of your assets because of theft (including sentimental belongings)
  16. Loss of your pride and dignity, self-worth due to physical and mental abuse
  17. Loss of a cherished dream, taken away because of an unexpected financial issue
  18. Loss of your safety net through financial difficulties or mental and physical abuse
  19. Loss of a working environment (workmates) due to retirement or changing jobs
  20. Rape. (Loss of virginity or loss of self-worth due to rape)
  21. Loss of self-worth through Physical and Mental Abuse (Domestic Violence)
  22. Loss of dignity and pride, due to racism and discrimination
  23. Loss of confidence due to humiliation, trust issues, belittlement, betrayal, and other insecurities
  24. Loss of freedom due to incarceration
  25. Loss of Mobility
  26. Loss of Limbs
  27. Loss of Sight

Life events not only are to do with death. Life events can cause us to feel the subtle loss that can trigger a sense of grief and other emotions. For example moving away to a different area due to work or other factors, leaving your school/college/uni friends due to graduation causes us to endure the feeling of separation or simply changing jobs, and leaving your workmates can all cause us to experience sadness.

Our loss is personal.

Our loss is individual and very personal to us, not everyone will understand the feeling of emptiness unless they have experienced it for themselves.

Regardless of your loss, it is personal to you. People may experience resentment, anger, or start blaming themselves if they had done things differently the loss could have been avoided.

When you suffer the loss of a person, animal, relationship, or situation which was significant to you, it can cause intense inner emotional pain of heartache. The heaviness of having a broken heart can slowly heal through therapy.

The pain will never go away but will not feel so intense over time and eventually, time will help you move on with your life.

Grieving Process.

When we grieve our mental strength can be tested to its limit.

Grieving is a very unique experience and no two losses ever feel the same. There is no ideal way to grieve it is very individual to us and we can only cope with the grieving process by how well we can cope mentally.

Not everyone has a strong mindset some people cannot cope with change regardless of how insignificant it is. In order to overcome grief, there must be an element of time and therapy and having the mental strength to move forward.

Overcoming grief depends on many factors, including your mental well-being, if you have mental health issues this can cause the problem to become worse. Your personality and ability to tackle problems and get around obstacles, your life experiences, your faith, and how significant the loss is will determine how well you heal.

Healing.

Healing cannot be hurried it is a gradual process and cannot be forced. For some people, they can heal relatively quickly but for some, it may take many years. Healing cannot be measured, in weeks, months, or years, it is a persons mental state of mind that will determine how long it will take to heal.

Grief De-bunked.

  1. If you try and ignore grief and not think about the ordeal, it will not go away, you need to find a way to deal with your sadness.
  2. Crying does not mean you are a weak person. In fact, it is good to cry and release sadness and despair.
  3. Putting on a brave face to protect your family and friends does not help anyone in the long run especially if they are grieving the same grief as you. Being open and talking about your feelings are the first steps to recovery.
  4. If however, you are unable to show emotion that also is another way of your body copying, some people cannot show how they feel and end up bottling things up. If you cannot cry that does not mean you do not care any less, everyone has their own unique coping mechanisms.
  5. Moving on with your life does not mean you have forgotten it just means you have re-adjusted to life without your loved ones. Moving on does not mean you have accepted the loss it just means that you can live your life without them, but continue to keep the memory alive.

Therapy

Everyone will experience the loss of a loved one at some point in their lives. It is part of life itself. When our hearts are broken into smithereens it is sometimes very difficult to put them back together again.

Finding the right help, guidance, and therapy can be useful if the loss of a loved one is sudden. You do not have to do it alone and you can find someone to help you and be your support worker, to help you get through the most difficult times.

Time heals but does not forget!

First Steps to Healing.

  1. Admit you feel sad, do not pretend that you are ok.
  2. Talk about your sadness to your family and friends.
  3. Make an online memorial page where others can share their stories. Create either a website or a Group on Facebook rather than a public page, which means people can share their memories and have the posts approved by a group admin member before they can access the memorial.
  4. Start a diary (virtual or physical) or write a biography about their life.
  5. Create a scrapbook of memories, express your feeling in a creative tangible way. (For me I preserved some leaves from my brother’s oak tree).
  6. Dedicate a tree or forest in their name (Woodland Trust)
  7. Get a park bench with the person’s name (Contact your local council office).
  8. Be creative and make something that will always remind you of them. (put their photo in a locket or charm bracelet or print their image on a keepsake).
  9. Start a foundation or raise awareness, and or give to a charity.
  10. Surround yourself with images of the person or pet you have lost.
  11. Share your memories and celebrate their life through anniversaries.
  12. Understand that the feeling of grief can trigger other emotions (anger, denial, depression, etc).
  13. Take care of yourself even though you find life meaningless (Your body is your temple).
  14. Speak with a GP or Grief Counselor
  15. Know the difference between grief, PTSD, and depression.
  16. Dedicate your life to the person you have lost by public speaking.

The Five Stages of grief

Studies made by psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross in 1969 introduced what would become known as the “five stages of grief.” These stages of grief were based on her research of feelings of patients facing terminal illness. She spoke of:

  1. Denial
  2. Anger
  3. Bargaining
  4. Depression
  5. Acceptance.

It must be noted that not everyone who grieves goes through all of these five stages of grief. In some cases, people have been known not to experience any of these emotions and have managed to heal.

Elizabeth Kübler-Ross never intended for these stages to be a rigid framework that applies to everyone who mourns. In her last book before her death in 2004, she said of the five stages of grief: “They were never meant to help tuck messy emotions into neat packages. They are responses to lose that many people have, but there is not a typical response to loss, as there is no typical loss. Our grieving is as individual as our lives.”

Grief can be an ocean tears of emotions.

People in the early stages of grief may feel intense numbness or sadness and as time progresses the ocean of emotions can be high tidal waves and ebbing flowing lows. It takes time to overcome loss, with some people never fully recovering at all. Even years after a loss, especially on anniversaries, special places, special events such as holidays like Christmas and family reunions, and birthdays, the emptiness of not having the person present can be very upsetting.

Symptoms of grief

  1. Intense Devastating Shock and Disbelief, not being able to accept the loss.
  2. Paralyzing Numbness of what has happened and you feel cold without and emotion or empathy.
  3. Denial, that it is just a bad dream it has not happened and you are still expecting them to show up even in reality that they are gone. You look for them in a crowded place. (I once saw a homeless man that looked the spitting image of my brother and I gave him money and bought him food).
  4. Anger, of why you lost someone as opposed to someone else losing someone.
  5. Blame, Blaming yourself, had you have done things differently that this could have been avoided or not doing enough.
  6. Questioning yourself, questioning your sanity, are you going crazy for feeling so low and questioning your faith and God.
  7. Sadness, emptiness, despair, deep loneliness, and yearning.
  8. Guilt, having said something that you wish you could have unsaid, feeling relieved that the person has gone and is not suffering or the guilt of not doing enough to prevent them from dying.
  9. Fear, of how, will you cope without them emotionally and being alone as well as coping financially, how will you be able to live without them.
  10. Anger, you may feel disdain for everyone around you because they are living and breathing and your loved one is not. Even feeling resentful to the doctors that should have done more to save the person.
  11. Abandonment, feeling angry because the person has abandoned you even though you would have given your life for them.
  12. Robbed, feeling like the person has been stolen from you and an injustice has been done.

Physical & Mental symptoms of grief.

  1. Fatigue, grief can manifest in many ways, some people feel very tired and just want to curl up in a ball and sleep all the time and not do anything else, hoping that life will be different when they wake or sleep because life is pointless to stay awake and do anything.
  2. Insomnia, some people simply cannot sleep, they overthink and may be up all night worrying and obsessing.
  3. Isolation, some people isolate and no longer wish to be sociable. (This is me in a nutshell)
  4. Depression, intense sadness 24/7 that you cannot shake, whilst others are inconsolable and cry all the time.
  5. Weight, grief can also affect your physical health by either make you gain weight or lose weight.
  6. Substance Abuse, some people start smoking, drinking, or take recreational drugs just to numb out the hollowness and loneliness they are feeling.
  7. Lowered Immunity, poor diet, and other physical attributes can cause lowered immunity which in turn causes the person to be susceptible to other illnesses.
  8. Mental Illness, grief can also lead to anxiety, stress, depression, and PTSD, the trauma of losing a loved one can also cause mental illnesses such as OCD.

Complications

Coping with grief is always a very delicate matter and it is your own personal preference how to try to deal with it. Talking to your friends and family is always a good idea as well as your GP and Health Professional that are expert in grief counseling. The relief of talking to someone can help lessen the burden of your loss. Listening to other people’s recollections and memories of the person that has died help you to find closure.

However, if you turn to friends they may not be able to help you as you would expect especially if they have never experienced grief themselves.

Close friends in particular often do want to help but don’t know-how, if they have not experienced death firsthand.

If you need help with arranging funeral directors, planning a wake, and sorting out finances then appoint someone that can manage all your affairs, they do not necessarily have to be a friend but a funeral planner company that offers the services. Understand that some people may feel awkward about helping so turning to a professional institution can help take some of the stress away.

People who have never experienced death will not understand what you are going through they can second guess but until they experience it for themselves they may not be able to give you the full support you need.

Not having the right support can make things difficult if your friends are unsure how to comfort you and they may feel like they are walking on eggshells in the fear of saying or doing something wrong. This is why it is good to speak with a professional or join a group.

Faith

If you are religious try to turn to your faith to find peace, alternatively if you are questioning your faith and God go to your church and arrange a talk with the clergy. People find going to church and praying or spending time at the graveside comfort.

Support Groups

There are many social media support groups that you can join as well as finding physical meeting places. If you want to interact physically or virtually, take the first steps to counsel and sharing your sorrow with people who have experienced similar loss as you. . To find a bereavement support groups in your area, contact local hospices, funeral homes, and counseling centers.

Acknowledgement.

Acknowledging you will never see your loved one again will help you heal and ease some of the pain. Acknowledge your feeling, of sorrow, despair, loneliness, and intense sadness. Understand that this is normal and you have to experience it to move on. Typical denial is trying to avoid or acknowledging and refusing to talk about and hiding away. This can lead to complications such as depression, anxiety, substance abuse, and health problems. The first step is acknowledging you will never see that person again.

Honour their life.

Plan ahead of anniversaries, make a memorial, something people can reflect and remember. Build a celebration of life events your loved one had and allow the people that knew them to join in.

Your Personal Health

Your mental and physical health is paramount. Your body is your temple therefore you should treat it like one. Get enough sleep, maintain a healthy diet, exercise regularly, and avoid substance abuse to numb the pain. If we have a healthy body we will also help to have a healthy mind.

Complicated grief

Complicated Grief is like being stuck in an intense paralyzed state of mourning. You may not be able to accept the death and you end up obsessed and preoccupied with the person who died which in turn disrupts your daily routine and causes problems in your other relationships.

Complicated Grief includes:

  1. An obsessed feeling of intense longing and yearning for the loss of your loved one. Living and breathing just the person you have lost, looking and searching for anything written about them. Talking about them 24/7 in an obsessed way.
  2. Intrusive thoughts or images of your loved one. (I have a problem with anything to do with water, like rivers and whirlpools, and cannot watch anything to do with drowning or look at images).
  3. Panic attacks, reliving the trauma over again.
  4. Nightmares, constant nightmares of the ordeal or the person and the circumstances.
  5. Denial and a sense of disbelief, not coming to terms with the fact the person has actually gone. Refusing to acknowledge they have actually gone.
  6. Avoiding, mentioning their name or the places they once went to or avoiding looking and touching things that remind you of them. (I cannot physically go back to and visit the street where my family home once was because it brings back too many painful memories).
  7. Anger and bitterness, over your loss of your loved one, hating the world and everyone in it. (I personally experienced this especially when my mum passed away, I hated the world but I am over it now, I do have different anger now where my brother is laid to rest, which I was not consulted over).
  8. Feeling that life is pointless and that there is no reason to carry on. (Suicidal Thoughts).

Traumatized.

If your loved one died an unexpected sudden death either a heart attack or something that was an accident, violent or disturbing you may be experiencing complicated grief which can manifest as psychological trauma or PTSD, (my brother died by drowning).

The sudden loss of a loved one where you have had no time to prepare for their passing means you will experience intense crushing shock. It will feel the whole world is falling apart around you and you are sinking. It will make you feel helpless and you will be struggling with upsetting irrational emotions, memories, and anxiety that won’t go away, if this is the case you will have been traumatized.

Knowing the difference between grief and depression

Thinking and obsessing over a person 24/7, week in week out is called depression. If you are consumed by the loss and nothing else matters and no matter what you do you cannot shake the feeling of contestant emptiness and despair you have depression and you need to speak with your GP as soon as possible. Knowing the difference between grief and clinical depression isn’t always easy as they share many similar attributes. When you’re in the middle of the grieving process, you will still have moments of pleasure or happiness, depending on how intense and complicated your grief is. With depression the feelings of emptiness and despair are constant and if it consumes your life 24/7 you need to seek help from a Health Professional.

Symptoms of Depression.

  1. An intense, sinking feeling of hopelessness.
  2. An obsession that you cannot step out of (which could be an obsession about the person who has departed or the obsession about death).
  3. Suicidal Thoughts, or a preoccupation with dying or planning ways how to die.
  4. Hopelessness or worthlessness.
  5. Feeling fatigued and lethargic.
  6. Slow speech and body movements, because you have no need to rush.
  7. Not being able to function properly, (at home, at work, and/or at school/college or University). It could also be not being able to make important decisions or manage finances.
  8. Imagination, Seeing, or hearing things that aren’t there.

Medication

Medication is usually prescribed for people who have depression, anxiety, stress disorders, insomnia, and mental health problems as well as physical illnesses. In most cases, grief does not warrant the use of antidepressants unless the grief is intense and complicated. Sometimes people who are inconsolable may be prescribed valium to calm them down or other sedatives. For people who have intense grief that is inconsolable, they may be referred to a counselor for grief therapy.

It is unadvisable to self-medicate or to use recreational substances such as alcohol or drugs as numbing the pain only prolongs the grief process rather than helping the person come to terms and heal. It is like putting a band-aid on a gaping wound and when they sober up the reality of the fact is still there.

Seeking Professional Help.

If the pain is unbearable and you feel your world is crashing down around you you need to seek professional help straight away. If you leave your symptoms untreated, complicated grief and depression can lead to significant mental health issues and emotional damage, life-threatening health problems, and even suicide.

Contact a grief counselor or professional therapist if you:

  1. If you feel you cannot cope and your life is crashing down around you and cannot perform simple tasks or manage to make important or even simple decisions.
  2. If you are obsessing over the person 24/7, week in week out, and your life is consumed with every thought of the person that has died.
  3. If you feel like life isn’t worth living anymore because the person is no longer in your life.
  4. If you wish you had died with your loved one.
  5. If you are having suicidal thoughts.
  6. If you blame yourself for the loss or not doing enough to prevent them from dying.
  7. If you feel total numbness to society and prefer to disconnect from people and isolate yourself.

Note From The Editor.

In my lifetime I have experienced death many times from when I was little I paid my respects to a boy in an open upright coffin, who had fallen from a cherry tree in Poland, I think I was 10 at the time. Then a family friend died approximately 12 hours before his wedding from a heart attack something like eleven years later and I had to console his fiance. When I came to Wales and worked at the Holiday Resort in Barry Island (Majestic Centre) in 1992, I had to console a holidaymaker’s wife and son because the husband had a heart attack and died.

Then in 1992 a close friend of mine, a very beautiful successful singer who toured Europe and was famous in a band in Germany but came back to live in Wales, committed suicide in Dinas Powys.

Years later I then experienced personal grief where my father passed away in 2004 and then my mother in 2007 and then the most crushing and devasting blow was when my brother in 2010 died in a freak accident and most recently my ex-husband only last week 16/05/21

For me, the coping process is to surround myself with photos and memories of the people I have lost and to keep their memory alive by talking and writing about them.

This is my way of coping as even after the passing of both my parents and my brother I am still grieving in my own way and occasionally when I have time to reflect I am consumed with intense sadness but find keeping myself busy and not having time to think helps me to carry on.

Most recently my ex-husband passed away and again I feel sadness as I always cared about him and never stopped. (I wrote a memorial post expressing my feelings it was my way of coping with the sad news, I do not think I needed permission for that as it is part and parcel of the grieving process and everyone’s grief is different and how you cope is entirely your choice).

The news was shocking to me that he had died. I thought I had time to make amends as that was my ultimate goal. I am now consumed with guilt and regret that I should have reached out when I had the opportunity, I just took him for granted he would always be around and that I had plenty of time.

I have learned you do not know what is around the corner waiting for us and building bridges is a must if you do not want to have regrets. Finding forgiveness and putting all indifferences aside are the first steps to healing and moving on.

There is no time like the present to say “sorry”, what is done is done you cannot turn back the clock but you can move forward, saying “I love you” can mean a lot and may make a difference, also remember to create memories.

For me, I have experienced complicated sudden death five times and I have also experienced one particular emotion of anger.

My anger still manifests inside of me eleven years on, because of the circumstances where my brother was laid to rest. I was not consulted on the location other than it was the Woodland Trust and where his ashes are it is no longer ‘Woodland Trust Land’ but private land as I believe the land changed hands within the last few years.

Not only that my anger festers inside over something someone once said to me about six months after my mother’s passing “so how long are you going to expect to grieve for?” I never forgot those words and never have forgotten the person that said them to me (J.M). The words were cutting and heartless and it was like rubbing salt into a gaping wound.

So in order for me to ever pay my respects to my brother or visit the oak tree is no longer possible. Some will say his spirit has left and is now just energy surrounding us and in a way, I do agree but it also nice to have a place to go to remember the person and to reflect. Maybe in time, I may find the strength to forgive but as it stands I still have the anger embedded in my soul.

My brother in his will said he wanted his ashes buried in woodland but never said exactly where. I am sure there is a ‘Woodland Trust’ where my parents are buried. I was told the reason for the location was it was my brother and his partner’s special place they visited often. What about his family that obviously did not matter? The location is nowhere near ‘Lake Windermere’ but in the middle of a field on the outskirts.

His partner at the time took it upon herself to make the arrangements without consulting me. Having his ashes in the middle of a field approximately 257 mi (413 km) is not ideal and now is virtually impossible to visit. I have other grievances but will focus on the subject of grief.

I am now carrying the emotion of guilt and regret that I should have reached out to my ex-husband sooner and told him how I really felt.

I have also experienced other types of grief not to do with death, such as relationship breakups, divorce, losing a business, loss of self worth due to physical and emotional abuse, loss of dignity, loss of assets. I won’t go into everything individually but I have carry many war wounds.

I suffer from clinical depression and OCD it is manageable with the medication I take. I have been on my medication for many years now, I am now looking into neuroplasticity as a form of treatment.

I have written about grief in the past:

https://disabledentrepreneur.uk/dealing-with-death-grief-the-4th-time-round

Useful Links:

https://www.cruse.org.uk

https://www.mariecurie.org.uk/help/support/bereaved-family-friends/dealing-grief/bereavement-or-grief-counselling

https://www.sueryder.org/how-we-can-help

https://www.bacp.co.uk/

https://www.betterhelp.com

What is Obsessive Compulsive Disorder

What is Anxiety

What is Stress

What is Depression

Suicide Healthline

SAMARITANS.org

OCDUK.org

MIND.org.uk

YoungMinds.org.uk

#grief #grieving #grievingprocess #healing #lossofalovedone #loss #dying #departed #death #suddendeath #complicatedgrief

Feeling of Resentment

What is Resentment.

Resentment (also called ranklement or bitterness) is a multilayered complex of emotions that collectively are the feeling of disappointment, disgust, anger, and fear. Psychologists have come to the conclusion that it is a mood or a secondary emotion (including cognitive elements) that can be elicited in the face of insult and/or injury. It is a generalized defense mechanism against unfair situations or incidents.

Resentment is a festering feeling of bitterness and anger. Have you ever had the feeling that lingers in the back of your mind how something or someone has done you wrong and you cannot forgive or forget?

In my lifetime especially in the last 30 years, I have had a build-up of resentment to individuals and institutions that has manifested in bulk. As time goes on and more incidents happen because of a domino effect the more rage I have which then festers.

The fire is not full-blown flames but more a smoldering ember that remains hot and could reignite at any time.

I won’t bore you with all the details but I have had one particular person asked me about six months after my mother’s death where I was not thinking properly “how long do I expect to grieve“? Fifteen years later I am still grieving and the said individual who said this I hope they rot in hell for being so uncaring and shallow. Granted the circumstances of this particular incident could have been handled better by me but I was not in the right frame of mind to execute any plans as I was trying to cope with grief. Then two years ago I was traumatized by another person (no relation to me but someone of authority trying to mock my disability (PIP) again this will all be revealed in my book.

Moving on to the present time another person is on my radar that is a leech stuck to my daughter. I disapprove of him and no matter if he jumped through hoops I would still resent him because I believe the feeling is mutual and he is doing everything to drive a wedge between my daughter and I.

I believe the only way you can hurt a person is through their pocket. There is a saying “he who laughs last, laughs the longest”. Watch how I do not support my daughter financially if she chooses this person. Why should he benefit from my hard-earned money? Why should he get a penny from me?

The same goes for my deceased brother’s partner who inherited the whole of his estate after he passed away. Why should I give her the time of day when the sheer greed of her wealth has made her think she is another league to me.

I have a lot of resentment towards her for dumping my brother’s ashes out in the middle of nowhere which once belonged to the Woodland Trust but now is private land with no way of paying my respects even if I wanted to as I could be done for trespassing, not only that it is virtually impossible to reach and for claiming every last penny of a pension that a company reached out to me initially for. I have resentment towards her when I was in a very abusive relationship and asked her if I could come and stay at hers and she then went off the radar never to phone or text to see how I was.

Sure some people find it is awkward if someone asks them for help but if they are decent human beings they will help and not turn their back on a person.

I have no respect for her and I hope that her wealth is short-lived and only brings her more unhappiness. The domino effect is she has moved another man into what was my brother’s house and this man is living off the aftermath of my brother’s death.

The domino effect was my brother having his contract not renewed by a luxury car manufacturer which caused my brother to go to Ecuador to save the rain forest but unfortunately could not save himself. Had the car manufacturer kept him on he would most probably be alive today.

The other domino effect was if my brother’s partner had helped out when I went to her for help I would not have had my ribs broken, my knee dislocated and chemicals sprayed into my eyes, never mind the long list of other things that I have suppressed.

The domino effect for my daughter not being offered a place in her first choice of University because of the stress can cause her to have an MS relapse.

There should be a domino effect law with consequences if things go wrong.

The domino effect of my landlord not hardwiring his electrical points causing me to cook with Gas rather than Electric. The domino effect of my landlord does not double glazing my flat causing my money to filter through the single glazed windows allowing draughts and me to feel extremely cold in the winter months. The domino effect of me feeling extremely stressed because of his actions.

I believe in helping people, if you cannot help because you don’t want to, you are not a decent human being. Helping does not have to be materialistic or physical it could be guidance, advice, and support.

I also resent people in power demanding extortionate amounts of money to survive whilst the rest of the world has to struggle to make ends meet.

https://www.mirror.co.uk/news/politics/tory-donor-asked-fund-nanny-24022098

Do people that think they are better than you s@#t gold or p@# champagne? Is their blood any different from ours? They still have to do all the same things we do, like eat, sleep, go to the bathroom, work and breathe the same air. Just because you have a high-powered job or have a title does not make you any better, you are still a human being at the end of the day.

Here are 5 steps to release and let go of resentment:

  1. Recognize resentment
  2. Confront your resentment
  3. Find ways to overcome your resentment
  4. Try to forgive
  5. Be grateful for what you have and not what you have lost

Note From the Editor

For me, I might find peace to a certain degree but I will never forgive and will never forget. There is a saying “hell hath no fury as a woman scorned“.

People may say I hold grudges, my answer to that is I move on from the ordeal and do not dwell or hold grudges, but learn from them and will never forget and will not forgive. If someone is looking for forgiveness they should turn to the lord (if you believe) and not to me. People only have one chance to redeem themselves. One cannot repeat the same mistakes over and over. You are either a Hollywood friend or a true friend and I am now an expert at reading people, hence I keep my distance.

#mentalhealth #depression #anxiety #discrimination #clinical depression #ptsd

Emotional Distress.

Emotional Distress. Keeping a diary of your medical condition.

By logging down your good days and bad will give your GP or Specialist a more indepth understanding of your day to day problems.

For me most days are the same but some days are severe.

Today is one of those days.

I actually started this post a few days ago and left it as a draft but my mental health is really taking its toll. For example, I heard my ex-husband is in hospital after suffering a heart attack and has other complications such as lupus and cancer. The last time we spoke was 14 years ago and I felt I had been hit by a truck receiving the news today that he was in ICU in an induced coma and is now in a high dependency ward.

To say that this is a shock is an understatement and there are some people in the family I have reached out to.

I know that our divorce was nasty but there is an element of me that still cares.

I hope he recovers and I will get an update on the weekend but for now my mental health is on another level.

Emotional Distress By One of the Culprits (My Landlord)

Not only that my landlord is playing mind games with me. He sends me an email saying he is extending my contract for another 3 years and has drawn up an agreement (by coincidence on the same day I paid him the increased amount of money), for me to sign but he will not do a digital signature and is insisting he needs to see me. A week after his email I get a text that he will be visiting me today and so far he has not called round or text me. This is causing me no end of anxiety as I need him calling round like I need a hole in my head.

I have a problem with social disconnection and do not want to be around people.

I have explained this in my email and told him due to Covid my business has suffered plus other factors which I said etcetera but what I really meant was him increasing my rent causing me to have severe depression and stress. Yet he seems to be oblivious to the fact I am unwell.

If there are any monsters in this world its the people that show no empathy and only think about themselves.

I have recently found out you can sue people that have caused you distress. You obviously need proof of the distress, anxiety, stress, and depression this person has bestowed on you. My evidence is me publically documenting everyone that has caused me harm. You will have to show medical evidence and have witnesses to prove your case. You can claim for the emotional distress the discrimination has caused you – this is called ‘injury to feelings. You‘ll need to say how the discrimination made you feel.

https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/housing/discrimination-in-housing/taking-action/work-out-how-much-compensation-you-could-get-for-discrimination/

The courts recognize emotional distress as a type of damage that can be recovered through a civil lawsuit. This means you can sue someone for emotional trauma or distress if you can provide evidence to support your claims.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/so-sue-me/201408/suing-emotional-distress-outrageous

#mentalhealth #depression #anxiety #discrimination #clinicaldepression #ptsd

What is Narcissism

What is Narcisissism.

Narcissism is a PERSONALITY DISORDER, it is defined by the pursuit of POWER wanting other people to see you as IMPORTANT. Seeking gratification for everything you do including ooking for COMPLIMENTS AND ADMIRATION from a personal self-image to being RECOGNISED for the things you may do. It is the feeling that you love yourself so much that you expect others to love you too and in the same way. A Narcissitic person wants to be NO 1 in everything they do and wants CONTROL of his/her surroundings. The term originated from Greek mythology, where a young man named Narcissus fell in love with his own image reflected in a pool of water.

Todays post was prompted by a comment that was made on another post which got me thinking I should write about Narcissism as this has affected me personally and over the years I tried to evaluate this particular individual that essentially tried to control me.

At first this person who will remain nameless for now was introduced to me by a friend. My first impressions was I did not like him, call it a gut feeling if you will. However it was at the time where I was feeling alone and wanting deperately, someone, anyone to comfort me as I had lost both my parents in a short space of time. It was after several meetings through my social circles I had, I met this person again.

The first time I met him he was very drunk and the times after that he was sober but it was a favour for a friend I ended up meeting him alone (Jan 2010 – all will be revealed in my book). Pleasantly surprised, I found him charming and funny and thought perhaps I had read him wrong and gave him another chance.

It was not long after we started dating and being extremely naive at the time it did not cross my mind that he was interested in me as I had inherited a lot of money. However tragedy struck again within a month of me dating him when I lost my brother.

I felt my life was falling apart and needed someone to help me hold it together.

Obviously being fairly well off I was able to fund holidays abroad and it was most probably four months into our relationship I experienced the first outburst. I brushed it off as I thought maybe he was having an off day as most people do not see eye to eye at some point in their relationship and I just thought it was a one off incident.

He showed no signs of being narcissistic until most probably a year later where he would start to question everything I did and who I was with and the first serious incident was when he sprayed an concoction of chemicals in my eyes and temporarily blinded me.

I will be the first person to admit I was very stupid with what played out after, as I refused to press charges against him. I thought I could reason with him, CHANGE HIM and make him learn from his mistakes, I even suggested therapy, how wrong was I, as it was three year after the first major incident he struck again this time kicking my knee seven times until it dislocated and to this day I now have problems with it and will have to have an operation to have it fixed. I even tried analysing his background as I noticed people in his birthplace very abusive to their partners which made think this is their way of life. His mother even admitted to being abusive to her disabled husband when he was alive, so it could even be a trait copied from his mother.

Obviously he did other things in between these incidents, in which it is all now very difficult to recall and buried deep, but I have logged all the evidence as the incidents occurred at the time, just to protect myself.

What did I learn from this:

  1. Never trust anyone implicitly.
  2. Do not believe you can change a person because you can’t.
  3. The first signs of any abuse find a way to end the relationship.
  4. Have an escape plan.
  5. Tell everyone, friends and family about this person.
  6. Isolate yourself from this person. Have an escape plan.
  7. Know the signs especially if the perpetrator shows no empathy.
  8. Do not make excuses for the narcissist, do not make excuses to yourself saying this was a one off incident or the person will change, because they won’t.
  9. Recognise all the traits.
  10. Empower yourself with confidence and start to love yourself again.

For me I have not really reflected on how I have felt as I buried it under tonnes of work and have always kept myself busy in order not to think and dwell on the past. The past is history and if anything it tought me a life lesson in which I can safetly say I will never be in the same situation again and can forewarn others through my own personal experience. I was stupid and naive to put up with all the BS and all the abuse I endured, I was in a viscious cycle everytime time something happened I would say to myself next time it will not happen but next time alway did. Eventually one day I said enough is enough and have not looked back since. Kicking my knee was what broke the camel’s back so to speak and I was lucky as it could have been a totally different story.

The traits to look out for are:

  1. Lack of Empathy. “The inability to identify with or recognise the experiences and feelings of other people. Everything is about them and belongs to them,”. When I asked the perpertrator to explain why he did the things that he did, he could not give me an answer, did not show guilt or remorse and was unapologetic.
  2. Manipulation. The ability to twist the situation to better suit their narrative is a poignant personality trait that all egotistical people possess. The perpertrator managed to always blame me for everything that he was not happy with. He would judge me all the time.
  3. Projection. Projection is a defence or an unconscious pattern that occurs when the person feels psychologically threatened, they will then accuse you of doing something to throw the linelight off themselves, a good example is the person who is cheating accuses his partner of cheating. He used to always accuse me of being unfaithful.
  4. Emotionally cold. I said earlier in a reponse to a comment that I was cold as ice, but what I failed to say I also have empathy, I do have feelings and I know when I am wrong. My life experience has made more thick skinned and if say someone critises me I just take that as their own opinion. Theres a saying “what does not kill you makes you stronger”. An emotionally cold or distant trait normally surfaces during arguments when one person is experiencing and expressing significant emotion and the narcissistic person just lets your emotions go over his/her head and does not respond, giving you a cold shoulder. This essentially makes you feel alone and unloved.
  5. Gaslighting. Doing things deliberately in order to question yourself, whilst taking the onus off themselves. Gaslighting term first arose from the 1930’s play Gas Light, where a husband, in an attempt to drive his wife crazy, kept turning down the gas-powered lights in the house. When the wife asked why he is dimming the lights, he denied it and said they were no dimmer. Over time the wife would start to question herself and eventually found herself going mad. “Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse that involves denying a person’s experience and making statements, such as ‘that never happened’ or ‘you are too sensitive”,
  6. Never Taking Responsibility. Knowing when you are wrong and admitting to your wrong doings or flaws makes us the bigger person, however with narcissists it is the polar opposite. A narcissist is a master of his/her own illusion and will try to avoid the blame with lying, cheating etc. A narcissist will make up complex excuses and rationalise anything, just so that they are left to blame.
  7. Controlling. The definition of controlling partner means that in most common manifestations of their relationship the narcissist will monitor your whereabouts at all times, checking your emails and text messages, criticising your appearance, and making nearly all important decisions, with little regard for your opinion. In my case not matter have immaculately I dressed and kept my appearance I was always critised and called names. I had my phone taken off me (If I did not give him what he wanted I would get physically abused) and he would post and invite his ex girlfriends onto my Facebook. He would check to see who I was meeting and check my text messages.
  8. Grandiose. Grandiosity is a pattern in which a person tends to exaggerate accomplishments, talents, connections, and experiences. In the case of my abuser he told tails about his past life but I never really believed in anything he said. The narcissist usually do not have to be real experiences, grandiose people tend to maintain over-the-top fantasy worlds. Grandiosity can also be manifested by a sense of self-importance, a belief that their existence is bigger and more important than anyone else’s and certainly more important than yours.
  9. Panic. A narcisist will panic if you threaten to break up or leave them, ss soon as you back away, a narcissist will try that much harder to keep you in their lives. They will do everything and anything to shower you with affection, they will say all the right things to make you think they have changed so that you never leave them and the cycle continues round and round until oneday day you say enough is enough.
  10. Mentally & Physically Abusive. Aswell as playing mind games a narcissist may also become physically violent in order to have control over you. When this happens do not hang around and have an exit plan to get away. In my case I stopped my abuser visiting me and changed the locks, I also showed him all the evidence I have collated and what I will do with it should he ever try to come near me again. So far touch wood it has worked. If you live with your abuser you must make an exit plan where you can grab a bag and run. Make a list of people you can confide in, set up secret codes. Fill your bag with important documents passports, money etc. Just take the essentials so that you can escape to somewhere safe. Or wait for them to leave and change the locks and call the police. For me my abuser is out of my life and I have seen he has moved on as he is in a relationship with someone else, which means he no longer has any use for me.

A narcissist will only move on when they find someone else they can prey on.

That is why narcissists are not loyal and are more likely to play the field. A narcissist can never find love as they are never satisfied with what they have and will always be looking for something better.

Fear – What is Fear.

What is Fear And How Can we Deal With It.

Fear is an emotion that is natural, powerful, and primitive. It involves a universal biochemical response as well as a high individual emotional response.

Fear notifies us of the perceived presence of danger or the threat of harm, whether that danger is physical or psychological.

Fear is related to Phobia’s and Anxiety.

The difference between fear and a phobia lies in the normality of fear, versus the abnormal features of a phobia. Phobias are characterized by:

  • Persistent fear, despite being presented with evidence that the fear is unfounded
  • Exposure elicits intense fear and anxiety, sometimes even a panic attack
  • Irrational and unreasonable fear
  • The affected individual recognizes that the fear is unfounded and excessive (except in young children)
  • Powerlessness to control the intense fear

The distinction between a fear and a phobia can blur with small children. Childhood fears are a normal part of development. However, unlike phobias, normal childhood fears involve an ordinary fear response, have a minimal effect on daily function and revolves as the child matures.

Treatment is only required for childhood fears if they significantly impair function, cause unduly severe fear and anxiety, or persist despite the child’s development; in other words, if they cross the line and become phobias.

https://www.therecoveryvillage.com/mental-health/phobias/related/fear-vs-phobia/

Top List of Fears

1. Fear that we could loose our job

2. Fear we may loose our life partner (husband, wife, boyfrind, girlfriend)

3. Fear of never being good enough

4. Fear we may get into debt

5. Fear we may loose our homes

6. Fear we may become homeless

7. Fear we may become fat

8. Fear we may never find a job

9. Fear of Getting Fat

10. Fear of not passing an exam

11. Fear of being a failure

12 Fear we may never find a partner, anyone to date or live with

13. Fear of being lonely

14. Fear of not making friends

15. Fear of loosing a baby

16. Fear of loosing your children

17). Fear of being assaulted

18). Fear of being raped

19. Fear of being burgled

20. Fear of loosing everything

21. Fear of never succeeding

22. Fear of change

23. Fear of Contracting a Disease

24. Fear of Dying

25. Fear of not being attractive.

Top 100 Phobia List

These are the top 100 phobias in the world, with the most common ones listed from the top. You can click on each phobia to learn about causes, symptoms and treatments.

  1. Arachnophobia – The fear of spiders affects women four times more (48% women and 12% men).
  2. Ophidiophobia – The fear of snakes. Phobics avoid certain cities because they have more snakes.
  3. Acrophobia – The fear of heights. Five percent of the general population suffer from this phobia.
  4. Agoraphobia – The fear of open or crowded spaces. People with this fear often wont leave home.
  5. Cynophobia – The fear of dogs. This includes everything from small Poodles to large Great Danes.
  6. Astraphobia – The fear of thunder/lightning AKA Brontophobia, Tonitrophobia, Ceraunophobia.
  7. Claustrophobia – The fear of small spaces like elevators, small rooms and other enclosed spaces.
  8. Mysophobia – The fear of germs. It is also rightly termed as Germophobia or Bacterophobia.
  9. Aerophobia – The fear of flying. 25 million Americans share a fear of flying.
  10. Trypophobia – The fear of holes is an unusual but pretty common phobia.
  11. Carcinophobia – T he fear of cancer. People with this develop extreme diets.
  12. Thanatophobia – The fear of death. Even talking about death can be hard.
  13. Glossophobia – The fear of public speaking. Not being able to do speeches.
  14. Monophobia – The fear of being alone. Even while eating and/or sleeping.
  15. Atychiphobia – The fear of failure. It is the single greatest barrier to success.
  16. Ornithophobia – The fear of birds. Individuals suffering from this may only fear certain species.
  17. Alektorophobia – The fear of chickens. You may have this phobia if chickens make you panic.
  18. Enochlophobia – The fear of crowds is closely related to Ochlophobia and Demophobia.
  19. Aphenphosmphobia – The fear of intimacy. Fear of being touched and love.
  20. Trypanophobia – The fear of needles. I used to fear needles (that and death).
  21. Anthropophobia – The fear of people. Being afraid of people in all situations.
  22. Aquaphobia – The fear of water. Being afraid of water or being near water.
  23. Autophobia – The fear of abandonment and being abandoned by someone.
  24. Hemophobia – The fear of blood. Even the sight of blood can cause fainting.
  25. Gamophobia – The fear of commitment or sticking with someone to the end.
  26. Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia – The fear of long words. Believe it or not, it’s real.
  27. Xenophobia – The fear of the unknown. Fearing anything or anyone that is strange or foreign.
  28. Vehophobia – The fear of driving. This phobia affects personal and work life.
  29. Basiphobia – The fear of falling. Some may even refuse to walk or stand up.
  30. Achievemephobia – The fear of success. The opposite to the fear of failure.
  31. Theophobia – The fear of God causes an irrational fear of God or religion.
  32. Ailurophobia – The fear of cats. This phobia is also known as Gatophobia.
  33. Metathesiophobia – The fear of change. Sometimes change is a good thing.
  34. Globophobia – The fear of balloons. They should be fun, but not for phobics.
  35. Nyctophobia – The fear of darkness. Being afraid of the dark or the night is common for kids.
  36. Androphobia – The fear of men. Usually seen in younger females, but it can also affect adults.
  37. Phobophobia – The fear of fear. The thought of being afraid of objects/situations.
  38. Philophobia – The fear of love. Being scared of falling in love or emotions.
  39. Triskaidekaphobia – The fear of the number 13 or the bad luck that follows.
  40. Emetophobia – The fear of vomiting and the fear of loss of your self control.
  41. Gephyrophobia – The fear of bridges and crossing even the smallest bridge.
  42. Entomophobia – The fear of bugs and insects, also related to Acarophobia.
  43. Lepidopterophobia – The fear of butterflies and often most winged insects.
  44. Panophobia – The fear of everything or fear that terrible things will happen.
  45. Podophobia – The fear of feet. Some people fear touching or looking at feet, even their own.
  46. Paraskevidekatriaphobia – The fear of Friday the 13th. About 8% of Americans have this phobia.
  47. Somniphobia – The fear of sleep. Being terrified of what might happen right after you fall asleep.
  48. Gynophobia – The fear of women. May occur if you have unresolved mother issues.
  49. Apiphobia – The fear of bees. Many people fear being stung by angry bees.
  50. Koumpounophobia – The fear of buttons. Clothes with buttons are avoided.
  51. Anatidaephobia – The fear of ducks. Somewhere, a duck is watching you.
  52. Pyrophobia – The fear of fire. A natural/primal fear that can be debilitating.
  53. Ranidaphobia – The fear of frogs. Often caused by episodes from childhood.
  54. Galeophobia – The fear of sharks in the ocean or even in swimming pools.
  55. Athazagoraphobia – The fear of being forgotten or not remembering things.
  56. Katsaridaphobia – The fear of cockroaches. This can easily lead to an excessive cleaning disorder.
  57. Iatrophobia – The fear of doctors. Do you delay doctor visits? You may have this.
  58. Pediophobia – The fear of dolls. This phobia could well be Chucky-induced.
  59. Ichthyophobia – The fear of fish. Includes small, large, dead and living fish.
  60. Achondroplasiaphobia – The fear of little people. As they look differently.
  61. Mottephobia – The fear of moths. These insects are only beautiful to some.
  62. Zoophobia – The fear of animals. Applies to both vile and harmless animals.
  63. Bananaphobia – The fear of bananas. If you have this phobia, they are scary.
  64. Sidonglobophobia – The fear of cotton balls or plastic foams. Oh that sound.
  65. Scelerophobia – The fear of crime involves being afraid of burglars, attackers or crime in general.
  66. Cibophobia – The fear of food. The phobia may come from a bad episode while eating, like choking.
  67. Phasmophobia – The fear of ghosts. AKA Spectrophobia. Who you gonna call? Ghostbusters!
  68. Equinophobia – The fear of horses. Animal phobias are pretty common, especially for women.
  69. Musophobia – The fear of mice. Some people find mice cute, but phobics don’t.
  70. Catoptrophobia – The fear of mirrors. Being afraid of what you might see.
  71. Agliophobia – The fear of pain. Being afraid something painful will happen.
  72. Tokophobia – The fear of pregnancy involves giving birth or having children.
  73. Telephonophobia – The fear of talking on the phone. Phobics prefer texting.
  74. Pogonophobia – The fear of beards or being scared of/around bearded men.
  75. Omphalophobia – The fear of belly buttons. Touching and looking at navels.
  76. Pseudodysphagia – The fear of choking often after a bad eating experience.
  77. Bathophobia – The fear of depths can be anything associated with depth (lakes, tunnels, caves).
  78. Cacomorphobia – The fear of fat people. Induced by the media. Affects some anorexics/bulimics.
  79. Gerascophobia – The fear of getting old. Aging is the most natural thing, yet many of us fear it.
  80. Chaetophobia – The fear of hair. Phobics tend to be afraid of other peoples hair.
  81. Nosocomephobia – The fear of hospitals. Let’s face it, no one likes hospitals.
  82. Ligyrophobia – The fear of loud noises. More than the instinctive noise fear.
  83. Didaskaleinophobia – The fear of school. This phobia affects kids mostly.
  84. Technophobia – The fear of technology is often induced by culture/religion.
  85. Chronophobia – The fear of the future. A persistent fear of what is to come.
  86. Spheksophobia – The fear of wasps. You panic and fear getting stung by it.
  87. Ergophobia – The fear of work. Often due to social or performance anxiety.
  88. Coulrophobia – The fear of clowns. Some people find clowns funny, coulrophobics certainly don’t.
  89. Allodoxaphobia – The fear of opinions. Being afraid of hearing what others are thinking of you.
  90. Samhainophobia – The fear of Halloween affects children/superstitious people.
  91. Photophobia – The fear of light caused by something medical or traumatic.
  92. Disposophobia – The fear of getting rid of stuff triggers extreme hoarding.
  93. Numerophobia – The fear of numbers and the mere thought of calculations.
  94. Ombrophobia – The fear of rain. Many fear the rain due to stormy weather.
  95. Coasterphobia – The fear of roller coasters. Ever seen Final Destination 3?
  96. Thalassophobia – The fear of the ocean. Water, waves and unknown spaces.
  97. Scoleciphobia – The fear of worms. Often because of unhygienic conditions.
  98. Kinemortophobia – The fear of zombies. Being afraid that zombies attack and turn you into them.
  99. Myrmecophobia – The fear of ants. Not as common as Arachnophobia, but may feel just as intense.
  100. Taphophobia – The fear of being buried alive by mistake and waking up in a coffin underground.

Fear is an intrusive thought that we battle within our heads when we feel insecure. Fear is the figment of our imagination. If we can visualise a traumatic event we may start to believe it may happen and our brain sends signals for us to be on guard.

Fear is related to anxiety and is a psychological, physiological, and behavioral state induced in animals and humans by a threat to well-being or survival, either actual or potential. Fear is characterized by increased arousal, expectancy, autonomic and neuroendocrine activation, and specific behavior patterns. Our behavioural patterns to changes is the facilitation of a coping mechanism where we are in a situation whereby it may be adverse or unexpected. Pathological anxiety interferes with our ability to cope successfully with life challenges. Vulnerability to psychopathology appears to be a consequence of predisposing factors (or traits), which result from numerous gene-environment interactions during development (particularly during the perinatal period) and experience (life events), in this review, the biology of fear and anxiety will be examined from systemic (brain-behavior relationships, neuronal circuitry, and functional neuroanatomy) and cellular/molecular (neurotransmitters, hormones, and other biochemical factors) points of view, with particular reference to animal models. These models have been instrumental in establishing the biological correlates of fear and anxiety, although the recent development of noninvasive investigation methods in humans, such as the various neuroimaging techniques, certainly opens new avenues of research in this field. Our current knowledge of the biological bases of fear and anxiety is already impressive, and further progress toward models or theories integrating contributions from the medical, biological, and psychological sciences can be expected.

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3181681/

FINAL NOTES

I have my own fears and anxieties and even if i shared them with you it would not help me. I need to find the strength within me to overcome my anxiety, fear and vulnerabilities. Everyone at some point in their lives feels insecure and scared.

I am working on overcoming my fears by writing my thoughts. I also within my writing am building a portfolio of ammunition that I can use if my fears actually materialise.

Do try to face your fears, write them down if you have to or tell someone. Do not keep your fears festering inside as nothing good will come out of it if you.

I try to stay positive as best I can even if the world is throwing boulders at me. I know I will overcome my obstacles and try not to digress on the the bad things that have happened and try to move on at best I can when i am not at my lowest.

On a scale of 1 being fine and 20 being really bad I am 20 plus.

In the last seven days my emotions have taken a battering, and I am anxious and depressed, so it may take me some time to get myself out of this dark place that I am in, no thanks to three entities that have ruined Christmas for me.

Stay safe and speak soon.

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