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Category: Online Journal General

Our Online Journal serves as a portal for anyone to write about their daily struggles with their disabilities. It also serves as a media channel for content writers specialing in Mental, Physical and Invisible Disabilities. No matter who you are everyone deals with stress and anxiety and some can cope better than others. This site is to help one another, motivate and empower each other.

OCD The Demon Inside My Head


Disclaimer: This article is sensitive and mentions suicide, anxiety, and depression.

OCD The Demon Inside My Head

The Complex Link Between Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder and Anxiety & Depression

Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD) is a mental health condition that affects millions of people worldwide. Characterized by intrusive, distressing thoughts (obsessions) and repetitive, ritualistic behaviors (compulsions), OCD can significantly disrupt an individual’s life. While OCD is often discussed in isolation, it is crucial to understand its intricate relationship with anxiety and depression, two prevalent co-occurring conditions that can exacerbate the challenges faced by those with OCD.

The Basics of OCD

OCD involves a cycle of obsessions and compulsions. Obsessions are unwanted, distressing thoughts, images, or urges that repeatedly invade a person’s mind. These thoughts often provoke significant anxiety. In an attempt to alleviate this anxiety, individuals with OCD engage in compulsions—repetitive behaviors or mental acts. While compulsions may provide temporary relief, they do not address the underlying anxiety and can even worsen the condition over time.

The Connection with Anxiety

Anxiety is a central feature of OCD. The anxiety triggered by obsessions is a key driving force behind the compulsive behaviors. People with OCD often engage in these rituals to reduce the intense anxiety caused by their intrusive thoughts. For instance, someone with an obsession with germs may repeatedly wash their hands to alleviate their anxiety, while another individual with intrusive violent thoughts may engage in mental rituals to neutralize those thoughts.

The relationship between OCD and anxiety is bidirectional. OCD can increase overall anxiety levels in a person’s life as the obsessions and compulsions consume time and energy. Conversely, pre-existing anxiety can make a person more vulnerable to developing OCD. This complex interplay between OCD and anxiety underscores the need for comprehensive treatment addressing both conditions.

The Link to Depression

Depression often accompanies OCD, compounding the emotional toll of the disorder. The chronic stress and frustration associated with OCD can lead to feelings of hopelessness, sadness, and despair. Additionally, individuals with OCD may become socially isolated due to the secretive nature of their compulsions, which can further contribute to depressive symptoms.

Moreover, the cyclical nature of OCD, with its repetitive and intrusive thoughts, can lead to rumination—a hallmark of depression. Rumination involves obsessively thinking about problems and their possible causes, consequences, and solutions, often leading to a worsening of mood.

Treatment Approaches

Effective treatment for OCD often involves addressing both the obsessive-compulsive symptoms and the associated anxiety and depression. Cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT), specifically Exposure and Response Prevention (ERP), is a widely recommended therapeutic approach for OCD. ERP helps individuals confront their obsessions without engaging in compulsions, ultimately reducing anxiety. CBT can also address negative thought patterns that contribute to depression.

Medications, such as selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs), are often prescribed to help manage OCD symptoms, as they can reduce anxiety and, in turn, alleviate depressive symptoms. However, medication alone is rarely sufficient for comprehensive treatment.

Support groups and individual therapy can provide invaluable emotional support and coping strategies for individuals with OCD. It is essential to involve loved ones in the recovery process to enhance understanding and provide a network of support.

Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder is a complex mental health condition, closely linked with anxiety and depression. Recognizing this intricate relationship is crucial for providing effective treatment and support to those affected by OCD. A holistic approach that addresses both the obsessions and compulsions of OCD and the associated anxiety and depression can significantly improve the quality of life for individuals battling this challenging disorder. With the right support and treatment, individuals with OCD can learn to manage their symptoms and regain control over their lives.

A real sufferer true-life story.

I would first like to introduce myself I am a disabled entrepreneur. I have been in business for the last 30 years. I have decided to stay anonymous as I do not want people to judge me. I suffer from OCD (germ contamination and intrusive thoughts). Contrary to belief I do not spend hours washing my hands or cleaning. I used to and now I counteract this by using latex gloves. I found washing my hands (in undiluted Dettol) dried them up and made them crack. My mother would go through a full tank of hot water. I also used to have a thing where I could not mention certain names or words, namely my ex-boyfriend. I used to also have an issue with numbers but have overcome this. For example, I avoided the number 13 (unlucky for some), by coincidence it happens to be my birth date (don’t laugh). I believe my OCD is my security blanket so to speak, protecting me from harm.

Just because I have a mental health disability does not make me less intellectual than anyone else.

  1. https://disabledentrepreneur.uk/can-someone-have-ocd-and-still-be-intellectual/
  2. https://disabledentrepreneur.uk/breaking-down-mental-health-stigma-understanding-the-statistics/
  3. https://disabledentrepreneur.uk/mps-with-mental-health-disorders/
  4. https://disabledentrepreneur.uk/famous-people-with-ocd/

My OCD started to manifest about 35 years ago when my ex-boyfriend (P.E., I would have taken a bullet for him), decided to act suspiciously. I got curious after I found him a job working at a local Bank. In those days we did not have social media and these jobs were not always posted in the local paper. So when I visited the job center I applied on his behalf, I even chased them up after he had not heard from them and thanks to me he got an interview and the job.

Not Knowing – Dead or Alive?

From his LinkedIn profile, he is a regional manager for the West Midlands. Plot twist after reading what I thought was his obituary I contacted the bank and they said no one by that name is working in the West Midlands. I did try reaching out to his sister and seeing she hadn’t even opened up the message decided to delete the message completely. Maybe I should put an ad in the personal column of the local newspaper. Why do I need to do this?, basically speaking because I want closure. Yes, he hurt me emotionally more times than I care to remember but I loved him and I thought he was the one, my soul mate. However, looking back we were like chalk and cheese.

My story.

He would always make plans and then cancel at the last minute. Sometimes I would wait for him all night and eventually, he would turn up early hours and I would send him packing.

I met him on a blind date and his sister hated me from the start because the blind date was supposed to be for her boyfriend who changed his mind and asked her brother to take his place.

We were together for a year, he came from a middle-class family, whilst I came from a working-class background. His mother in particular did not like me because I sensed I did not meet with her approval and made remarks like “You could do much better than my son“, what mother says that unless she has an ulterior motive?

Moving on after he started to act suspiciously and after I found a lot of adult magazines and brothel brochures under his bed, I started to go through his pockets and found telephone numbers with girls’ names. I phoned the girls and each one of them confessed they had gone out on a date and the common denominator was they all were customers of the bank and had never given their number out. This would be a sackable offense if it was done in this day and age.

I kept the information quiet, I did not want to lose him, I loved him no matter what and would have done anything for him. If you can imagine Tom Cruise in the Top Gun movie that’s what he looked like and his LinkedIn profile picture now makes him look like David Cameron.

As time went on he would be less and less interested in being intimate. I tried to arouse him in my sexy underwear whilst he was putting his multigym together and his reply was I will never forget it to this day “Who would want to go near a fat walrus like you“, on the contrary, I was not fat, I was slim and I was modeling. I started to question myself if was I really fat and unattractive, I started to have self-doubts that I was not good enough. This should have been my opportunity to break up with him but I continued to stay in the hopes something would change and that he would love me as much as I loved him.

Genetics

Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD) does appear to have a genetic component, meaning that it can run in families. However, the inheritance pattern is complex, and multiple genetic and environmental factors likely contribute to the development of OCD. Here are some key points to consider:

  1. Family History: Research has shown that individuals with a family history of OCD are at a higher risk of developing the disorder themselves. This suggests that there may be a genetic predisposition.
  2. Twin and Family Studies: Studies on twins and families have provided evidence for a genetic component in OCD. Identical twins (who share 100% of their genes) are more likely to both have OCD if one twin has it compared to non-identical twins (who share about 50% of their genes). Similarly, first-degree relatives (parents, siblings, and children) of individuals with OCD have a higher risk of developing the disorder than the general population.
  3. Specific Genes: While researchers have identified some specific genes that may be associated with OCD, the genetic basis of the disorder is complex and not fully understood. Multiple genes are likely involved, and their interactions with environmental factors play a role.
  4. Environmental Factors: Environmental factors, such as childhood trauma, stress, and infections, may also contribute to the development of OCD. These factors can interact with genetic predisposition to increase the risk of the disorder.
  5. Neurobiological Factors: OCD is associated with abnormalities in brain structure and function, particularly in areas of the brain involved in regulating emotions and behavior. These neurobiological factors may be influenced by genetics.

It’s important to note that having a family history of OCD does not guarantee that an individual will develop the disorder. Many people with a family history of OCD do not develop symptoms, and conversely, some individuals without a family history of OCD do develop the disorder.

Overall, while genetics play a role in the development of OCD, it is a complex and multifactorial condition influenced by a combination of genetic, environmental, and neurobiological factors.

I believe genetics plays a factor in the development of OCD and there is a link in family history, because my grandmother suffered from it, my mother, my uncle and now me”.

Traumatic Event No 1:

The straw that broke the camel’s back was when he had to have medication for genital crabs. It was this that repelled me and started my OCD and even though I knew it was from his flings I still was willing to forgive him as long as he stopped doing what he was doing and committed 100% to me. Not long after, we broke up. He admitted he had found someone else that worked in the bank, I was devastated to the point I believe I had a nervous breakdown.

I remember that evening as I sobbed in my parent’s house and after my dad had gone to bed, raging at me to shut the f#ck up or he would kick me out. This caused an argument between my mother and father as she took my side and stuck up for me stating that no one was kicking me out.

As morning came around I tried to make an emergency appointment with my local GP to get something to calm me down and when the receptionist asked what was wrong with me and I declined to say she said “There is nothing wrong with you as your mouth is in working order”. I do not believe I was rude I was insistent that I needed an appointment, and I was feeling suicidal. I changed my doctors and got seen at a different surgery that very same day.

The days went into weeks and I could not get him out of my head. My OCD had taken over me and I could not touch things other people had touched before me without disinfecting things first.

I then decided to move away thinking a break would do me good. I moved to London but it was short-lived before returning home again. No sooner I was home I got a phone call from my ex saying he needed to see me. Like an idiot, I went to find his mantlepiece and TV strewn with engagement cards. Oblivious of what was around him he told me he missed me and wanted to have sex with me one last time. This was my cue to run and never return as I demanded he phone a taxi for me. He humiliated me again and kicked me in the teeth metaphorically speaking when I was feeling down and he was the reason my mental health declined.

Traumatic Event No 2:

I decided to leave home for good and found a job many miles away. This is where I met my husband who rescued me from a sexual assault, which caused my OCD to go through the roof. No sooner than the shops were open I bought 6 litres of Savolon Liquid, they did not stock Dettol so went to the bath and completely covered myself with the orange liquid. I felt dirty and humiliated again. It was my husband who pulled me through. He showered me with gifts took me out to fancy restaurants and put me on a pedestal.

My OCD was manageable but my husband would always complain that I refused to hold hands.

Trauma Event No 3:

Five years after meeting this man in shiningarmorr we got married and we started a business together. On the second day of what would have been our honeymoon a woman phoned wanting to speak with my husband, joyfully I said you could talk with his wife and that I would pass on the message. Her response was what caused my husband and I toarguet, two days into our marriage, she refused to give her name and said she wanted to speak to him on a private matter. My husband said she wanted to pass on security codes, so why did she not say that?

This caused my OCD to play up and I would make him have baths in Dettol and would be repelled at him touching me. Our marriage lasted three years after the company that I had financed was milked dry, by the manager and my husband. Both were to blame as both had access to the money. If I could turn back time I would have done things differently, knowing what I know now. There was about £120,000 missing from the business that I could not account for.

My depression then became bad I guess when my first relationship went south and I felt my whole world had collapsed around me there was nothing left to live for. In hindsight he did me afavorr otherwise I would be a boring housewife, it was the end of my marriage that finally broke me. He left our business in a mess whilst I was six months pregnant for the woman who by coincidence had phoned the office two days after we got married. Does that not scream alarm bells?

Traumatic Events No 4, 5, 6, 7, 10:

The passing of my loved ones. I won’t go into detail as it is too painful to recollect.

Traumatic Event No 8:

Whilst abroad a boy who was known to my daughter stole my daughter’s keys to my flat I knew nothing of this until I was woken at 5 am by a phone call from the Police saying that the door to my fat was wide open and the lights were on and music blaring asking where was I. I said I was abroad and when I returned, my home had been trashed and all my valuables stolen. The insurance company did not pay out because it was not a break-in. I lost £40,000 of camera equipment, computers and jewelry. To add insult to injury and as an added measure my landlord threatened me with eviction because my neighbors had phoned him and did not bother to notify me there was something suspicious going on.

Traumatic Event No 9:

I was involved with a guy who no longer lives in the UK who physically and mentally abused me. I do not want to go into what he did as I am not strong enough to talk about it. All I will say is he dislocated my knee by kicking it seven times, hence why I have problems with it now.

Traumatic Event No 10:

The obituary of not knowing if he is alive or dead. I lost touch with all his friends and his family. His parents and uncle have passed away and I do not know who else to ask other than do a press release.

Coping with grief.

  • No 1: P.E: The Traumatic Breakup
  • No 2: Barry Island: Sexual Assualt
  • No 3: The Divorce
  • No 4: J.M: Passing
  • No 5: L.M: Passing
  • No 6: B.R.M: Passing
  • No 7: A.B: Passing
  • No 8: The Robbery
  • No 9: E.S: Abusive Relationship
  • No 10. P.E: Passing

When people close to you die, you are left feeling hopeless living in an empty void.

I am constantly sad. I keep myself busy not to ‘THINK’ about all the hell I have gone through and how I miss the people who are no longer in my life. No money or anything you do can bring them back; all you are left with are photos and memories. Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) is a form of talking therapy and I have tried this as well as ‘exposure response therapy (ERP) again you need to be in the right frame of mind to resist your urges to make your anxiety subside. (I was mad to touch things that would cause a trigger and resist washing and disinfecting my hands) I resisted long enough the the therapist to leave and immediately went to wash my hands. For me this was a waste of time and no stranger is going to be my friend for me to confide in, hence CBT & ERP cannot help me and I prefer to use online journalling therapy or talk to Bing AI to write how I am feeling. Even journalling people can be judgemental but if you turn your comments off that sizzles that. I think I can handle a little criticism but will back off the moment any negativity becomes overwhelming.

My Symptoms.

  1. I have intrusive thoughts: If I do not do things a certain way something bad will happen to me. Or if I do not do something fast enough I am convinced something bad will happen.
  2. I have anxiety: When I have to wait for people to make a decision and play God with me, I get anxious. I worry a lot. This manifests into depression where I am sad and feel like crying. I get depressed when people take advantage of me and scam me. I get depressed when greedy people think they are better than me and put my rent up exponentially above the rate of inflation and against government rent cap guidelines. I get depressed when people show me no respect. I get anxious when I get judged and scrutinized. My anxiety finding more business and believe me I have done nearly everything other than sell my body on ‘OnlyFans’, just joking. Despite all the trauma in my life I still have some humour.
  3. Fear: I am afraid of being judged. People think they are better than you and often can come across as condescending. Just because I have a mental health disorder does not make me stupid.
  4. Germ Contamination: I cannot touch things with my bare hands that have not been disinfected first (food is in packaging and cooking at high temperatures kills germs. I cannot sit where someone else has sat, thinking they have not cleaned their posterior properly or have farted (pathogens).
  5. Dog Poo and Dog Hair: When I was going through my breakup with (P.E) a woman where I worked said she had to clean dog poo with her hands and then touch the swimwear in the factory I worked in. This caused my OCD to be problematic as I refused to talk to her and avoided any garments she had touched. This dog poo manifestation stuck with me as my mother also had OCD and had an obsession with dog poo. Animal hair like cat hair is also an issue and even though I do have a cat, I smooth him with latex gloves but won’t let him anywhere near me. Furthermore, I cannot be around people who own dogs including family that I do not see often but when I have to, I find it difficult to interact. An instance was last Christmas when I stayed in a cottage that my brother rented on Airbnb a few days earlier and I had to sleep in the bed. I could not wait to come home have a bath and wash and disinfect my clothes. I have not put my Cavali boots on again that I only wore once and am fighting the demons not to throw them away. Anything I cannot disinfect I normally bin.
  6. Personal hygiene: I cannot sit on my own toilet I have to hover. I must ensure my bath is germ-free before I get into it. I cannot share a bath after another person has used it. Or sleep in a bed that someone has slept in. My bathroom has to be quarantined. If I am vacuuming and the air blows out of the vent on me I have to change my clothes and disinfect myself.
  7. I do not like socializing: Is socializing going to put food on the table or drain my bank account? Wasting time talking about nonsense and the weather makes no sense to me, whilst making someone else richer and you get poorer. Brushing past people and touching things they have touched is impossible for me (Germs I cannot get the thoughts out of my head). My grocery shopping I touch with latex gloves and the contents are fine as most of the time they have not been touched by humans but by machines. Takeaways are fine as they have been cooked at high temperatures. I do not buy from places like Subway (e-coli). I am wary of my surroundings.
  8. Accidents: If I touch something by accident I have to disinfect that area and if it is my clothes I have to change and wash my clothes with detergent and Dettol. If a splash of dishwater ricochets on me it sends my OCD to overdrive. I have learned from CBT to try and fight my thoughts and sometimes it works and other times it does not, this all depends on how stressful my day is.
  9. My Rituals: I used to spend hours cleaning, but now I have quarantined areas, this in an office environment would be impossible to contain.
  10. Anger Management: I have a short fuse and will speak my mind, anyone who tries to rile me will feel my wrath. I have little patience for people who are condescending, rude, and lazy. I used to be a happy person but am not now. I have lost near enough everything that was important to me. I am now trying to rebuild my life one step at a time.
  11. My therapy: I have tried CBT (constant reminder, talking about my feelings and my past) and hypnotherapy but I cannot fight my thoughts. Hypnotherapy works to a certain degree but you have to be consistent with it on a daily basis. I also find journaling helps get things off my mind. It is not a cure but it helps ease anxiety and depression. My medication is a godsend, it sends me to sleep which is good but makes me really drowsy during the day, so to counteract this I drink two to three energy drinks a day. Ideally, I want to be medication-free and find another way to help overcome my OCD.
  12. My PPE: I wear latex gloves for everything I do and double up under rubber gloves when doing washing up. Every product I use has to be antibacterial, hand soap, washing up liquid, and bubble bath.

Negativity

I have distanced myself from humans and have little interaction in the physical sense of the world because too many people have taken advantage of me and hurt me in one way or another. I do not trust people easily. I have no problem interacting virtually but face to face is extremely difficult. Removing negativity from your life and socially disconnecting can be a powerful step toward personal growth and well-being. By consciously distancing yourself from toxic relationships, environments, or habits that breed negativity, you create space for positivity to flourish. This process involves setting boundaries, prioritizing self-care, and surrounding yourself with supportive and uplifting influences. While it may seem daunting to disconnect from certain social circles, it can ultimately lead to greater emotional resilience, mental clarity, and a renewed sense of purpose. Embracing this journey allows you to foster a more positive and fulfilling life, where your mental and emotional health take center stage.

“People have done this to me and caused me emotional distress to the point my mental health has declined.

I am trying to rebuild my life and perhaps if sharing my story will help someone, it will make me feel I am doing something right and worthwhile.

Moving Forward:

I am constantly learning about OCD and dealing with my health one day at a time. I do not need to speak with a therapist because everything I need can be found online or on this website. I have decided to share my story so the people who need to know can reference this.

I am not looking for sympathy or pity I just want to let people know that you do not know what is going on in someone’s life and everyone has a story to tell.

All I want is for my life to change for the better, that’s all I am asking.

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Renata’s Online Journal – Health Update.

Renata’s Online Journal – Health Update.

I have been doing some research on GP communication as I am concerned about how a letter that I wrote to my GP over a year ago was never answered yet it was confirmed that it had been added to the system.

In comparison, my daughter who has Multiple Sclerosis has a Neurologist Consultant at the “University Hospital Wales” who lectures at Cambridge University, and even on annual leave, had the courtesy of responding to my daughters’ emails.

This shows the consultant’s professionalism and sets him apart from mediocre general practitioners who do not give a monkey about your health, only about how many drugs they can prescribe. https://disabledentrepreneur.uk/what-doctors-wont-tell-you/

I have been let down by the system because for years I have been prescribed the same medication and have never been offeredPsilocybin Mushrooms‘.

https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/psychedelic-therapy

https://www.drugs.com/illicit/psilocybin.html

I could have easily been treated for my OCD years ago but I guess if that was the case how much money Big Pharma would have missed out on.

I must admit I have never used recreational drugs and if look at the series on Netflix which prompted me to look into this I do not see why I have to poison myself with the medication I am prescribed when there is an alternative. In fact, this has really angered me that not only the local GP do not care about their patients but I could have been potentially cured years ago. I do not see why I have to be a cash cow for the GPs and Pharmaceutical Companies.

Personal Independence Payments (PIP).

So, I have found that the Government has instructed GPs to not respond to PIP and Disability Claims, requested by claimants. GPs in southeast Wales have been told to stop writing letters for patients appealing against decisions to stop benefit payments because it is an “abuse of resources”. (A bit of coinky-dinkle I think). https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-wales-south-east-wales-23353623

The letter I wrote last year had nothing to do with supporting evidence it was to let the Doctor know that I was finding it difficult to do certain things and needed some support or advice.

I do not need my GP fighting my corner because I am more than capable of fighting my own battles.

Unfortunately, even paying for a letter (privately) will be dismissed because the Government has some say for GPs not to support your claim. This is wrong because the GP only knows what the patient tells them and if I write another letter and a link to this site it will corroborate what I am saying.

I did not design this site as clickbait, I designed it as a form of therapy for myself, for my daughter, and for others like us.

When my review comes up for renewal, I will not be jumping through hoops or performing like a circus monkey hopping on one foot, or bending to prove I have disabilities.

Anyone that knows me, knows I have only left my home once in the last 3 years.

Last year I wrote 5 things that were wrong with me and I never had a reply. I then spoke with the practice manager that told me to phone in to book an appointment but with one ailment at a time that would mean I would have had to make five separate calls. Besides, I have anxiety phoning anyone let alone a doctor. https://disabledentrepreneur.uk/anxiety-phoning-your-gp/

My Health Updated 06/07/22

The GP only knows what the patient tells them and although I am self-employed, I know I would never suit an employed environment for the following reasons, although I have built my brand so have no reason to change.

I am the Editor of this site and will continue doing what I am doing and report my findings.

Not everyone is looking for a handout and if there is available money that one is entitled to, one should get what rightfully is owed without jumping through hoops or begging. Don’t offer money and then expect some to hop on one foot whilst touching their nose, it is humiliating and furthermore, the ones that want to swindle the system will perform Oscars. The only way to know for definite if someone is telling the truth is by medical records or published documentation.

“I reiterate I am the Editor of this site, (MON-SAT 9 am – 5 pm) and I am also disabled. I should not have to prove anything that is not already documented or published”. https://disabledentrepreneur.uk/personal-experience-with-claiming-pip/

My OCD.

I suffer from OCD, I have suffered with OCD for the best part of 30 years I am super aware of my surroundings and avoid contact with the outside world (social disconnection) as much as possible. I can deal with the Postman, Courier or Delivery Driver, and Workmen, but that is as far as it will go. I do not have people visiting me and I like it that way. Even at home, I have triggers that cause intrusive thoughts. For example, when the cat brushed past me the other day, it consequently caused me to have a panic attack and anxiety, making me change my clothes and put the contaminated clothes in the wash. I have binned things (some expensive) that I have not managed to disinfect in the past. I cannot be around people, and I prefer my own company anyway. I am fortunate that the job I do has little to no human contact. I am fine online but have problems in the physical world. I use disposable latex gloves to touch things and go through about five hundred pairs a month.

My Bladder.

I have overactive bladder issues and go to the loo every 1.5 hours. It could be from the excess caffeine intake (I need to drink energy drinks to get me through the day). I take Mirtazapine 30mg tablets to help me fall asleep they do jack Sh#t for my OCD.

In a normal work environment needing to go to the bathroom frequently would be difficult because unless the toilet was in proximity, I could potentially have an accident which would then prove embarrassing, and I am not going to take any chances. My bladder gives me little or no warning and when you got to go, you got to go. It is a good job my bathroom is only twenty-five steps away.

Physical Pain.

My pain in my knee is manageable providing I have my meds on hand, and I am in a warm place. The moment it starts to get chilly my knee starts throbbing in dull pain. Getting in and out of the bath is comical because I cannot bend my knee to get in the bath and when I do it is very painful. (But only people who have had their knee kicked seven times purposely would know what I am talking about).

My back pain is concerning because sometimes if I bend to do simple tasks like sort rubbish or feed the cat, I get spasms in my lower back that escalate up my spine to my neck where the feeling that I can describe is like pins and needles or electricity in the nape of my neck. It is not just when I bend it is from standing, washing up for half an hour, or even cooking that I get pain in my lower back. The pain is so bad that it makes me feel sick or lightheaded, but I do not moan and simply endure it. https://disabledentrepreneur.uk/epidural-analgesia/

Swallowing Food.

Swallowing food (Dysphagia) can be a problem at times (not all the time, just occasionally), and even taking small bites and chewing is frightening when food gets stuck. Banging on my breastbone and jumping up and down rarely relieves the issue and I must wait a few antagonizing minutes waiting for it to naturally slither down. I have had to put my fingers down my throat in the past just to dislodge the food, which no longer seems appetizing to continue to finish my meal thereafter.

My Cerebellar Atrophy.

I was diagnosed with Cerebellar Atrophy over ten years ago and have noticed of late that I get dizzy spells and sometimes I need to grab hold of something to stop me from falling. I did fall down the stairs albeit 5 steps over a year ago as I mentioned in my letter and most recently, I lost my balance when I was at the top of the stairs. https://disabledentrepreneur.uk/i-nearly-died-due-to-losing-my-balance-of-cerebellar-atrophy/ I believe my cerebellar atrophy was from the head trauma I endured from my ex.

My Depression.

All I will say is that I had a Police welfare check after British Gas reported me last month. I won’t say I was suicidal as you have to have a lot of guts to go through such a thing and I do have things to live for. But I would be lying if I said I was not sad or depressed. I try to keep myself busy all the time to forget all the bad things that have gone wrong in my life and I do use this online journal to vent my anger and share my thoughts (I see this journal as online therapy, considering I have had little help from the NHS and by coincidence, I told the Police about the letter I wrote, that was not responded to by any Doctor, the PCW rolled her eyes in disbelief).

“I will say one thing though I am a survivor of domestic violence. I do get stressed and very anxious at times and have little patience for people, especially ones that are condescending and judgmental. So, unless you have walked in my shoes you have no right at all the judge me”.

Final Note.

PIP Assessment. The criteria are as follows:

(One needs twelve points to qualify, furthermore how can someone measure pain. Everyone’s pain threshold is different).

I have just done a Self-PIP Test On:

I will use the points system and this online journal as proof of my disability.

https://www.benefitsandwork.co.uk/pip-test-form

I score thirty-one points.

What the points criteria do not mention is:

Do you experience:

  • Stress
  • Anxiety
  • Depression
  • Suicidal Thoughts
  • Intrusive Thoughts
  • Cognitive Impairment (Jumbling Up Words Or Totally Missing Words Out Of Sentences
  • Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder
  • Dysphagia
  • Loss of Balance
  • Sitting
  • Bending
  • Insomnia
  • Pain
  • Numbness
  • Experience Light Headiness
  • Confusion
  • Lack of Concentration
  • Social Disconnection
  • Forgetfulness

You should read the reviews about this surgery to understand how unprofessional they are. If you report them you run the risk of being kicked out. https://disabledentrepreneur.uk/doctor-patient-confidentiality/

Both my daughter and I have been told in the past if we do not like how the surgery and staff conduct themselves to find a different doctor, in other words, leave.

When you are ‘DEPENDENT ON MEDICATION’ as both my daughter and I are, imagine having to wait to be assessed by a new doctor’s surgery (it is more hassle than it’s worth and you most probably have to physically come in which I have a problem with social disconnection, which will be out of the question unless it was an emergency).

https://nicelocal.co.uk/cardiff/medical/meddygfa_albany_surgery/reviews/

I am so tempted to give a review for the Doctor https://www.iwantgreatcare.org/doctors/dr-raluca-cristina-capatana/reviews/new?t=origin-profile.

My initial grievance is with the Surgery and the Doctor who does not work there yet her name is still on the website? http://www.wales.nhs.uk/albanyrd/practice-staff

“This online journal serves as evidence of both my daughter and my health condition and anyone else that wishes to participate in the health discussions and get anything off their chest”.

Anyone else that wishes to vent and wants their own space on an exact match searchable keyword domain name should message us below and we will set up a landing page where you too can write to your heart’s content (free of charge).

**Please note if your medical condition is published on our platform, it is not proof you have a disability or illness you must have medical evidence to corroborate your illness, which can be done by visiting your GP, writing a letter, or having an online consultation.

#personalindependencepayments #pip #pipscore #renataonlinejournal #pipselftest

My GP Surgery Negligence & My Mental Health.

My GP Surgery Negligence & My Mental Health.

I tried downloading the NHS app the other day to make an appointment with a doctor. I did not want to phone my own surgery as they have the policy to phone 8 am on the dot to essentially jam the phone lines on a first-come-first-served basis.

I wrote to my GP in May 2021 and spoke with the practice manager in December and got nowhere.

The NHS app (not the Covid App) checked my postcode and said sorry but the app was not available in Wales and prompted me to the website NHS Wales website to phone 111.

So I let my failed attempt go on the back burner until today where I surprisingly get a call from my GP.

You can imagine I am excited at the prospect of speaking with my GP at long last and promptly answering the call. The person on the other did not introduce herself asked if they were speaking with me without actually saying who they were.

A thought crossed my mind perhaps they had read my previous posts and were going to demand I take them down, but no, it was over another matter altogether.

The woman proceeded to ask do I want to book an appointment for the flu jab. I replied “no thank you” and the woman grunted something inaudible. I continued to ask “are you a Doctor” and she said “no”, that she was a practice nurse.

So they can phone you at random times when they feel like it, but cannot reply to a letter?

I continued to say I wrote a letter in May 2021 and also spoke with the practice manager and the response from the practice nurse was “yes I know”. I said “WOW, so I am a topic of conversation” and she said that she was reading off my notes. If you believe that you believe anything. She said if I want to book a consultation with the doctor, I should phone at 8 am.

I replied but I have 5 things that need addressing and she said they can only discuss one thing because of their time.

I have written previous articles about my experiences and also doctor-patient confidentiality and anxiety phoning GP’s.

https://disabledentrepreneur.uk/category/doctors/

I have given plenty of opportunities for the GP to address the issues in the letter and have spoken five times over this letter and still, the GP will not respond.

Even today the practice manager said the GP is too busy to respond to letters.

Imagine if in the letter it said I was feeling suicidal, I’m not, but just imagine if I was and the letter was ignored?

I am trying to make a point that my letter was read by multiple people and they admitted to it and I suspect I am the highlight of their tea/coffee breaks and jolly good banter.

My Mental Health Today.

MY MENTAL HEALTH.

I won’t say that I feel ok today because I am not.

My mental health is being tested and I am doing everything I can not blow a gasket.

MY BIRTHDAY.

My birthday is in two days’ time, it’s another day for me and nothing to celebrate.

If I had my parents and brother around then that would be a different story. My other brother lives in the USA, so what have I got to celebrate?

SAVING THE PLANET.

I do not mean to sound ungrateful but Birthday cards sent in the post cause carbon emissions transporting from A-B never mind chopping down trees to make the cards and paper envelopes and is absolute sacrilege to the environment… I would much rather have had a Facebook like to my Business page and share, which I have hinted on multiple occasions and tested social experiments to see if my close network would support me and they don’t, yet they send me birthday cards which I find very strange.

Am I supposed to get excited over a piece of card and half-hearted thought? it is going to go in the bin anyway, yet you want to save the planet save the rainforests, but you are happy to buy a card and send it in the post causing more pollution. I would much rather prefer an e-book. In fact, some e-books are free, so I am saving you money.

It has also been brought to my attention that a meetup is being planned for springtime. Good luck with that…

MY BUSINESS.

I have multiple businesses to take care of and am not taking a day off to chit-chat at a restaurant somewhere and most certainly do not want people visiting me.

In fact, some countries are banning unvaccinated people from all eating establishments. No skin off my nose I am happy being a recluse until what I desire manifests into my life.

I have issues intermingling with physical beings. I have no problem online but do not wish to interact physically. This is my choice and people should not take it personally.

Just because I do not want to see someone face to face, that is my own personal preference, obviously, I have to let workmen in and engineers but I stay well away from them, do not socialize and if I could I would make sure they showed a lateral flow test before coming in but that would not go down well with some people and I do not want to be seen as making waves.

Why do people not respect my wishes?

If they wish to support me give me, like to my business page and share my business with their connections. Helping my business prosper will be something I would be very grateful for, not a card that will get binned.

THERAPY.

You can read all the articles I write from a personal perspective here:

https://disabledentrepreneur.uk/category/renatas-online-journal/

I find letting off steam by journaling online is a form of therapy, I find by the time I have finished editing the initial pent-up anger inside me has weathered away.

I have also started practicing meditation, hypnotherapy, and scripting into a physical journal.

I follow www.jakeducey.com and find his videos on Facebook and YouTube enlightening.

Today I am behind with my work from faffing about with a couple of domain registrars:

https://ukdomainbrokers.ukwebsitedesigners.co.uk/rejestrator-domen-polskich-polish-domain-registrar/

https://ukdomainbrokers.ukwebsitedesigners.co.uk/names-co-uk-poor-customer-service/

DISRESPECT.

As well as waiting for the gas engineer which was a no-show.

I find it very disrespectful if a person or company says they will turn up on a certain day and do not update you or apologize for not turning up.

I do not believe that everyone I know, knows about my websites or my illnesses, hence may be oblivious of what I do. Who’s to say I never took time off work to meet and greet these engineers which did not have the audacity to even phone or text me or who is to say I never re-arranged my scheduled meetings online to align with the appointment.

I think this is very disrespectful. I am not going to chase them, seeing as I am not paying for their callout. Had they bothered to check the pressure gauge last time they visited they would have seen the pressure was low and should have adjusted it but didn’t. They are the same engineers that did not know what a hotspot in the kitchen was until I sent them a link, and people wonder why my mental health is not good?

MY SURGERY WAS IN THE NEWS.

I have also on the marketing website mentioned the GP Surgery I am referring to today: https://marketingagency.cymrumarketing.com/category/gp-surgeries/

Let’s see what tomorrow brings…

#mentalhealth #gpsurgeriesandmentalhealth #gpnegligence #doctornegligence

Personal Independence Payments (PIP) Renewal Assessments.

Personal Independence Payments (PIP) Renewal Assessments.

My daughter has just had her Renewal Pack not so long ago and although it is nothing to do with me so to speak, I hyperventilated the moment she told me. I am not joking I started gasping for air.

Both my daughter and I agree that the amount of humiliation we ate whilst we both went through the last assessment we have agreed we are not going to through this again.

Who is eligible for PIP?

You do not need to have worked or paid National Insurance contributions to qualify for PIP, and it does not matter what your income is, if you have any savings or if you’re working, you could be on a low income or on a high income it does not matter.

You must have a health condition or disability where you:

  • have had difficulties with daily living or getting around (or both) for three months (this needs to have been documented with your GP)
  • expect these difficulties to continue for at least nine months

You usually need to have lived in the UK for at least two of the last three years and be in the country when you apply.

If you get or need help with any of the following because of your condition, you should consider applying for PIP:

  • preparing, cooking or eating food (my daughter cannot stand for long lengths of time preparing and cooking so I do it for her but I have to set timers as I tend to forget if there is someting in the oven and have a few times burnt my food to a crisp)
  • managing your medication (I sometimes forget if I have taken my meds, and if that happens I avoid taking a second dose just in case I overdose)
  • washing, bathing or using the toilet (both my daughter and I have problems getting in an out of the bath and I have fitted a bath hand rail)
  • dressing and undressing
  • engaging and communicating with other people (with nearly 10K connections on LinkedIn I have no problems connecting virtually and have major anxieties physically).
  • reading and understanding written information
  • making decisions about money
  • planning a journey or following a route (my daughter cannot walk long distances and I do not go out because of my OCD)
  • moving around outside the home (I have trouble going down the stairs with my bad knee).

In my opion the DWP should have a set of questions for each disability and not every disability is equal.

Some people have more than one disability (such as myself). Some questions are humiliating such as “how do go to the toilet?”

Also some people will go to any lengths to get an Oscar and the face to face assessment proves nothing, it needs to be based on your GP’s consultations and correspondence.

I wrote a letter to my GP in May and I still have not had a reply even though the practice manager read my letter and so did the cluster pharmacist.

I have redacted some of the information for data protection purposes.

What are the PIP payment rates?

PIP is made up of two components – daily living and mobility. Whether you are awarded one or both, or a combination of the two, depends on how severely your condition affects you.

You will receive the following amounts per week depending on your circumstances:

Daily living

  • Standard rate – £60.00
  • Enhanced rate – £89.60

Mobility

  • Standard rate – £23.70
  • Enhanced rate – £62.55

How do you make a claim for PIP?

You can make a new claim by contacting the DWP, you’ll find all the information you need to apply on the GOV.UK website here.

Before you call, you will need:

  • your contact details
  • your date of birth
  • your National Insurance number – this is on letters about tax, pensions and benefits
  • your bank or building society account number and sort code
  • your doctor or health worker’s name, address and telephone number
  • dates and addresses for any time you’ve spent abroad, in a care home or hospital

Once you’ve contacted the DWP, they will send you a document called ‘How Your Disability Affects You’ to complete which consists of 14 questions and a section for any additional information.

The questions focus on how your condition affects you – put as much relevant detail in as you can to help the assessor understand your physical and mental health needs.

If you have difficulty filling in your form or understanding the questions, contact your local council and ask for help or Citizens Advice.

Stress & Anxiety

My daughter is so stressed out over her renewal I am worried she is going to have an MS relapse. Stress can be a cause of relapse. As her carer, I am very worried about the implications of her health.

My daughter has a friend who is a PIP assessor who basically said that her condition should be reviewed every 10 years as it is a progressive disease. The assessor’s friend even said she personally has no formal qualifications.

I have written about PIP before and here are some of the earlier articles. I also write in the category online journal my actual health conditions as and when they occur.

I wrote to my GP via email on the 27th May 2021 and the practice manager replied back saying they had received the email. So although every Tom Dick & Harry read my 9-page in-depth letter including the cluster pharmacist I have not heard from my GP which is very concerning and I do not see why I have to chase after them considering I wrote in plain readable English what needed addressing and they have totally ignored me.

According to the renewal, they will expect the applicant to have a face-to-face assessment. I personally have not left my home for 2 years and only meet and greet the delivery drivers. I am not going to be forced into a situation where I have to meet other people. I do not have anyone visiting my home either other than couriers and delivery drivers. This is my choice and it is against my human rights to be forced into a situation I am not comfortable with.

Furthermore, the DWP does not take into account that printing and sending out paperwork costs the government money so why on earth do they not have an online version similar to HMRC self-assessments and Tax Credit Renewals? imagine how much money they would save simply doing it online, not to mention saving the planet with carbon emissions. The DWP is not Eco Friendly.

But there are also the other problems and that is people like me do not like handling things that have been touched by someone else. I have difficulty touching envelopes and letters and insist on people emailing me. I bet you are wondering what about food. Food which has been pre-prepared in a factory only the outer packaging is touched by humans, everything else is done by robots.

I had this post in draft mode but I feel that every time I see it unpublished it gives me anxiety as does the PIP assessment.

My anxiety levels fluctuate from day to day and today I am feeling unwell.

Not only have I a list of business things to do which is causing me anxiety I also have to contend with the up and coming assessment. The sheer thought of intermingling with humans the more anxious I get and am more at ease in my own surroundings.

I am trying not to think ahead and need to cross each bridge as I come to it. There is no point in worrying about something that may not even happen.

Today I am feeling depressed and tomorrow is another day!

#personalindependancepayments #pip #depression #ocd #anxiety