Renata’s Health Diary 2022 -2023
I have decided to record my health in one post rather than several posts. Although I do have a personal brand (www.irenata.com), I tend to write business reviews and vent about different things, rather than anything relating to health. Saying that I have recently introduced a health section in my business journal to help support business owners (Cymru Marketing Journal – CMJUK.com).
I try to keep my health issues separate. I am not embarrassed to say I have health problems but people are too quick to judge like the gas engineer who came to my property appointed by my landlord for many years became personal and made a derogatory comment, which I have logged as evidence. Or the EPC engineer who took one look at the property and assumed I was not successful because of the state of my flat is in. My jewelry is worth more than the price of the flat just saying, never mind the digital assets that I own.
I do not have many changes in my health from month to month. However, I have become more isolated as interacting with some people does my head in quite literally, as an example, I wrote to a credit card company no less than 40 emails to resolve one issue, and my hosting provider cannot read my concerns even though I have shown them evidence multiple times, never mind British Gas where I had to resort to many blog posts to show evidence of my calls and how it caused me emotional distress.
I have now put my phone on silent calls and on do not disturb so only people in my favorite lists can contact me directly and people who are not in my contact list get sent to voicemail which is turned off. The reason for this I am getting a lot of spoofing and scam calls. I want to control who I interact with.
Stress Anxiety Reminders of the trauma and grief I endured Intrusive Thoughts My Personal Belonging Being Touched Germ Contamination Being Touched (Hugs) Flies (Insects) Dog Poo (cat poo or bird poo is not so bad, it is dog poo that is a trigger for me) Animal Hair (especially dog hair) Shaking Hands (how many people actually wash their hands when they go to the toilet) Kissing Sharing Plates of Food Public Places that are not sanitized Half-finished projects or errors that need correcting (I cannot leave an error for another day I have to correct it there and then)
Stress Anxiety Depression Intrusive Thoughts Cognitive Impairment (Jumbling Up Words Or Totally Missing Words Out Of Sentences Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder Dysphagia Loss of Balance Overactive Bladder Bending Insomnia Pain in my Knee and Back Numbness Experience Light Headiness Confusion Lack of Concentration Social Disconnection Forgetfulness
Although I should not complain that I saw my family, the stress it caused sent my OCD through the roof. I had to disinfect everything I took with me as I stayed overnight. The thought of sleeping in a bed that was not sanitized made my skin crawl and the public humiliation I could have endured had I bumped into my ex on Christmas day did not bear thinking about.
I believe I was a court jester as I could not fathom the reasoning for taking me from my home hundreds of miles away having to leave my comfort zone and causing my OCD to escalate.
People do not understand that if I cannot disinfect something I will throw it away and I have thrown expensive items such as handbags out.
Visiting my parents’ graves was also a reminder of the reality they are dead and the intrusive thoughts that followed. Going to a place that upsets you knowing your parents are not there and only skeletons lie beneath your feet is to me prolonging grief.
I have let go of my brother and parents’ passing, I know they are energy surrounding us. I believe we are all connected in some way spiritually and someday we will be reunited. I am disconnecting myself from reality. I am drawn to the internet and AI. I would love to travel the world but if I could do it with Metaverse, I would not have to leave my home.
- I have no energy, I feel lethargic, and am frustrated that I have to pee every 1 to 1.5 hours. (Caffeine Addiction).
- I have also noticed if I bend down for longer periods I get electricity-shooting pain in the nape of my neck and the base of my spine.
- I have noticed I keep losing my balance more frequently and do not have a good grip when holding things.
- I have also noticed I am missing big chunks of sentences when I am writing. Thank God for Grammarly and AI is all I can say.
I am also frustrated that no matter do I am only seeing a gradual change. I have asked the universe to help me, and hopefully, it will answer my prayers. Hopefully, the universe can unlock whatever is blocking it.
Some days I just do not want to do anything even though I have obligations and if I do not do anything I cannot put food on the table, so to speak.
I have also noticed I have what I believe is ‘carpal tunnel syndrome’. According to the NHS website, I should get advice from my local pharmacy which is a joke as I have been on the phone for an hour and no one is picking up, The message just goes into a loop ringing for ages after being transferred to the general inquiries.
Imagine if I was an elderly person or someone vulnerable, I have just left the phone ring, Good job I am not taking incoming calls and how it would affect my business if my line was engaged, I would lose business. These corporate companies do not care about people.
The saga continues with my website hosting provider. I have reached out multiple times over the same issue and it seems they cannot read or basically, I am dealing with stupid people.
March 15th, 2023
I feel overwhelmed and feel I have burnout syndrome. I just want to bury my head in the sand and let life pass me by.
Hopefully, my life will improve for the better so that I can start living a happier and healthier life. I can visualize my life vividly and I know I will get there but I need to practice being patient.
March 26th 2023
Today simply by bending down to put some rubbish into a black bag I am experiencing excruciating pain in the back of my neck shooting down to the base of my spine. As I sit down to update this post the pain is not going away. It is starting to give me a headache.
March 31st 2023
Yesterday I had a massive blow to my system with my landlord increasing my rent by £210 I have not got that sort of money and want the Universe/God/Higher Power to help me. It is not through lack of trying that I cannot get any more business and I am armed with enough evidence that he will have to lower the price.
I feel physically sick and my head was thumping last night. I wrote this entry at 01.14 a.m. in the hope of carrying my post which for some reason the search engines were refusing to index. I wrote to Google and sent them the article. Maybe someone from Google can help me. I am going to try and get some sleep.
My landlord has made me unwell.
I want to cry.
Surprisingly I got up not too late and managed to do a full day’s work. Mostly update my sites, add pages, and do some SEO.
I even added five pages on this site as I got wind that a competitor of mine who was a recruiter before Covid-19 became a digital marketer after the pandemic and now wants to support Entrepreneurs, Founders, and CEOs with Mental Health.
He is planning on doing a website I suspect something like mine because I invited him to share his story and now he is inviting people to share their stories with him, seems a bit of a coincidence.
I do not make any money from this site other than my content writing for other publications in the health sector. Other than that it is 100% funded by me. I support and help people with mental health as men generally will open up more to men than share their stories with women. I guess it is a guy thing unless they are transgender of course. I am happy to chat with anyone and will eventually implement my version of AI (www.renataai.com) to help support people feeling depressed and lonely of any gender.
I contacted Rent Smart Wales which is a government website and they are only open between 9 am and 12 pm Monday -Friday. I sent them an online message and hopefully, they will respond.
I am thinking £210 is just some numbers someone has magically created and I have to dissociate myself from these numbers, they are not what is supposed to define you. It is your knowledge, creativity, and leadership that is worth more than some digits in a computer. What you do for people will far outweigh what you try to take away.
Hopefully, by the time June comes I will get more work. I get tonnes of inquiries every day with people asking me to give them work. Firstly I do not outsource my work and secondly, I am at the top of the food chain in terms of securing work for myself without having to find work for other people.
I am now done for the day and will use the weekend to re-energize my batteries.
4th April 2023
I have a splitting headache and feel my head is going to explode. Virgin Media has been at it again with the loss of broadband practically all day. I have managed to finish one article which I aim to share with LinkedIn, but my plan to do outbound marketing has gone to pot. I just want to bury my head in the sand and let the world pass me by, but I know I am not a quitter so will take some time out to recharge my batteries and focus on positive thinking.
Here is the article that I published today on my other site, as I have noticed late entrepreneurs being very public about their depression and emotions. I think it’s only fitting to write about something I am passionate about and help people with empowerment and motivation. How Should Entrepreneurs Deal With Grief, Fear & Rejection – CYMRU DIGITAL MARKETING BUSINESS JOURNAL – CARDIFF – WALES – UK – & BEYOND (cymrumarketing.com)
18th April 2023
I am in a very dark place at the moment, and I feel like life has beaten me down. I am trying to stay optimistic, even though I have snakes all around me. Even yesterday I had a condescending person try to belittle me and people wonder why I keep my distance.
26th April 2023
I am seriously not in a good place right now.
- My landlord put my rent up by £210 per month starting 1st June 2023. Where the hell am I supposed to get the money from, do people not care?
- The local council office -was condescending by saying “Oh Bless” when I explained I have disabilities and was not being offered any help other than a discretionary payment handout which I declined to accept. That is like putting a band-aid (plaster) on a gaping wound.
- My bank last week (Cashplus Bank) all last week had a problem with card payment verification. I rang every day and they said they were working on it, causing me to be more and more stressed.
- Today Cashplus again has problems with payments going astray and my PIP not being credited to my account.
I feel physically sick today and started getting an electric shooting sensation across my chest. I was on the verge of crying but thankfully I have been able to vent my anger out here.
The next person that says to me “Oh Bless”, “Don’t Worry” or “Sorry”, I am going to scream. These words are condescending. The problem is that if one tries to defend themselves, there may be repercussions and one may get penalized for speaking up. We live in a controlled society where organizations tell us to jump and we have to ask “How high”.
“It says in the bible if I forgive the people that have done me wrong, then God will forgive me and punish them“
From The Bible
“Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven.
Peter replied, “Repent and be baptized, every one of you, in the name of Jesus Christ for the forgiveness of your sins. And you will receive the gift of the Holy Spirit.
We should bless those who persecute us bless and not curse them. We are to pray for them and ask God to bless them because they need His mercy just as much as we do.
When you pray for those who hurt you or mistreat you, God will give you the grace to forgive them, and in so doing, you will heap burning coals of fire upon their heads (Proverbs 25:22).
Says that revenge belongs to God and He will repay those who hurt us when the time is right and it’s not for us to seek revenge on people who have hurt us in one way or the other.
I think I need to practice letting go and letting God deal with these people. Sometimes I feel like ripping people’s heads off but if I step back calmly I know that my anger is holding me back. Instead, I should practice self-care, remove negativity in my life, and simply put the past behind me. What happened to me in my past happened in another life, I have to quickly overcome my obstacles and simply move on.
Regarding Postal Mail
Something that I think I should mention to PIP next time I talk to them is that they give each claimant a security passcode similar to the government gateway so that you do not give your personal details to every Tom, Dick, and Harry that could secretly write them down. I think is a security issue. (I am not comfortable giving my personal details out to anyone, roll on AI).
Furthermore, why send out letters in the post? Why not go digital which could save millions and could be reinvested into the NHS (Local Council, PIP, DWP)?
I finally got paid not so long ago regarding my PIP payment but it took two calls to PIP and two calls to my Bank to get it sorted.
No one cares about your mental health and how something like this can affect a person sorting out Bank issues.
I have lost all motivation to do any work today because of this fiasco.
9th May 2023
How do I find £210 a month to cover the rent increase my landlord has forced upon me?
I am sick to the back teeth of people advising me to go to charities. I do not need handouts and I am more than capable of finding the resources which I publically document on my useful links pages. Humans who either do not give a damn or want to pass the buck will fob you off and make out that they are so clever, by giving you useless advice.
I am not going to beg to survive and people need to consider this before giving me their words of wisdom.
In fact, how can people find extra money, when they do everything they can to make more money?
Furthermore, my daughter had to have an emergency MRI because the hospital suspected she may have relapsed. Stress is the biggest factor in multiple sclerosis relapses and can consequently make someone so disabled that they may end up in a wheelchair or bedridden. It has been confirmed she has more lesions on her brain and has relapsed.
Everyone who wants a piece of me and wants to squeeze the last penny out of me is knocking another nail into my coffin.
I plan to be a poltergeist when I move on and wreak havoc, just because I don’t know your name does not mean I will not find you (remote viewing).
You should watch the film “The Men That Stare At Goats” with George Clooney is all I am saying.
Anyone that has judged me, or rejected me will feel God’s wrath.
I am not happy when the Bank of England is increasing interest rates. Perhaps the ulterior motive is to repossess homes and see foreclosures with this new world order. I have never been a conspiracy theorist but sitting on the fence I can see something happening.
How can people be expected to pull money out of a hat because someone demands it with no regard for their financial circumstances or mental well-being?
People are going to wish they never crossed me.
My mental health is shot and God help anyone that speaks to me out of turn. My OCD is through the roof and I just hate life. I do not like humans other than my daughter and cannot wait for robots to take over the world.
Where the f##k am I supposed to get money from when everything I do is not working?
I have even written an open letter to the universe, hopefully, someone will hear my prayers.
I am on the decline, for the past few days, I have been getting shivers and a temperature. I am feeling very lethargic and just want to bury my hand under the sand. I am confident every person that has done me wrong will be punished, by GOD.
I am turning myself into an AI.
I could have had this up and running by now had my landlord not put my rent up by an extortionate amount.
18th May 2023
As I write today, I am thankful that I have a roof over my head and food to eat but my mental health is not good. I hate interacting over the phone and point-blank refuse to do video calls. As the days draw closer to the 1st of June 2023 I have to pull two hundred and ten pounds out of my ar#e.
I do not want to rock the boat at this stage as I am too unwell to move and I do not want to add further stress for my daughter who had an MRI done about a month ago as she suspects she has relapsed, which coincidently the same time I had my rent increase notification letter.
I can safely say my OCD has worsened to the point I hate interacting with humans altogether.
If I have to physically interact with another human being it would have to be a life or death situation or under duress or workmen, which don’t count.
Because of the direct consequence of raising my rent my mental health has got worse.
I am very unhappy and hate life right now. The only thing that keeps me going is my websites, AI, and my daughter.
I am socially and physically disconnected from this world other than being very active online.
Don’t get me wrong I do not hate everyone, I just hate the people who have done me wrong such as judging me, humiliating me patronising me, and abusing me physically and mentally. I also detest the scammers (parasites as I call them) that phone you about trading and Bitcoin or some insurance scam.
I now just have my phone on ‘DO NOT DISTURB’ for a reason. I do not need any negativity in my life. This is a daily occurrence having scammers and now I have a select few numbers that can get through to me.
I am not in a good place right now and every day is a struggle. I have written tonnes of emails and advertised myself to Blue Heaven and Zilch. I am not going to be defeated but God help anyone that stands in my way and throws obstacles.
19th May 2023
I woke pretty early today, all things considered, and have spent all morning updating websites. If I have a moment to spare I feel I am hyperventilating, and my heart races, so am trying to not overthink things. PIP is on my mind as they keep sending me text messages but no appointment with an assessor which I will run rings around. OCD is incurable and my OCD is getting worse, due to stress and anxiety and so is me losing my balance (cerebellar atrophy) and crashing into walls which sets off my OCD. It does not help I also have an overactive bladder and cannot be too far away from a toilet at any given time (every 1.5 hours to be precise 24/7).
The way I see things now is “Que Sera Sera” whatever will be, will be, and will cross each bridge as I come to it.
29th May 2023
I am finding it hard to deal with people, I have one organization spamming emails where they clearly cannot read my responses and I had a troll yesterday on LinkedIn which I later blocked being sarcastic and criticizing me even though we do not know each other. I did not understand his motive other than he was unsuccessful in a business venture and clearly was a very unhappy individual.
Even though I am unhappy in my own life I will refrain from being unkind to people. I try to help everyone as much as I can regardless of my own issues. I will not be condescending or patronizing, I am not sarcastic, and will not judge or criticize. Anyone who does these things says a lot about them.
I feel slightly better for venting my thoughts out to the universe.
My physical well-being also causes problems I cannot bend down for long lengths of time. I keep getting excruciating pain in my lower back that travels to my neck and causes pins and needles. My bladder is a joke and I cannot wait for the pharmacist at my GP to phone me about my yearly meds screening.
4th June 2023
I am not in a good place right now, I am trying to stay positive but it is hard when I have constant obstacles thrown in my way. I have no energy and ideally would want to just sleep but I have obligations to my clients so although it would be good just to shut myself off from the outside world completely and simply focus on myself unfortunately I cannot. Hopefully, the universe has heard my plea.
- My landlord has sent me a two-year contract to sign with specific rules, regardless of how this affects my mental state or my finances.
- I cannot have guests coming over.
- I cannot have a guest staying the night.
- I cannot be in a relationship with anyone because there is no relationship if I cannot see them.
- I cannot conduct business from my home. Consequently, because I removed my location from Google My Business, both my sites have been suspended, meaning I am losing traffic hand over fist and potential business.
So tell me if he is preventing me from working and interfering with my social life, how does he expect me to pay him?
I am going to write a letter to my GP in preparation for my annual prescription review which is a joke. They do not have a duty of care even though I wrote to them twice before and both times I was told someone would contact me and they didn’t. This entry will be used to show that I am struggling.
I am so tempted to publish my story but I am afraid it may have a negative effect on my business. I do not want pity because it is a sad story, and is currently in draft mode pending. I do not want people to feel sorry for me.
If celebs talk publically about their mental health and it is just used and abused imagine the normal folk like you and I, what hope have we got?
People simply do not care unless it directly affects them. There is a celeb (P.S) in the news who has been hounded by the media and has hit rock bottom and his words were “Do you want me to die”. That is serious if someone says this on “Sky News Interview”. Regardless of what he has or hasn’t done, no one should be put into that situation to feel life is not worth living, yet from personal experience people have tried to push me over the edge but I just fight back. If I were him I would write a book spill the beans on everyone and throw people under the bus (metaphorically speaking). He should also find a partner and rebrand his wines via the partner’s name, making (P.S) a silent partner.
Does that mean my first boyfriend who knew me since I was 13 and started dating me when I was 18 was a groomer? (To answer the question we only started talking properly when I was 18, to clear any speculation). The whole world is so f****d up and I have contempt for people who throw obstacles in my way.
11th June 2023
Trying to stay positive and focused is difficult when you are carrying the world on your shoulders.
Today I have procrastinated, although to be truthful it has been like that all week. I have a pressing document to address and have buried it under a mountain of other work.
My other worry is my daughter’s health which has also deteriorated when one individual caused stress for both of us, consequently causing my daughter to relapse and my mental health to deteriorate. Stress can cause a multiple sclerosis sufferer to relapse. Stress and MS | Overcoming Multiple Sclerosis (overcomingms.org)
My mental health is not good and I am feeling very tearful. I hate the people that have made me feel this way and a couple I have to respond to this week.
I cannot wait for the day I say what is on my mind face to face and see them squirm. I will hit them where it hurts in their pockets, as I have enough evidence against them that they will wish they never crossed me.
People should learn not to push my buttons.
“Hell Hath No Fury Like A Woman Scorned”.
12th June 2023
I have sent my annual letter to my GP/Doctor and will see if they reply (other than the autoresponder to say they received the message).
FYI they haven’t replied to the last two letters I sent them, so all of this is evidence of the lack of duty of care, if they don’t the third time around. Other than the reply that my letter will be added to my medical records and a doctor will contact me, the so-called doctor has not contacted me at all, and will be interesting if they do this time around.
I find myself procrastinating again today and wondering if I should publish my hero story which is not heroic at all, but more a survivor story to let the world know all the sh*t I have gone through over the years and still have more sh*t thrown at me.
I know I will conquer in the end but I have to distance myself to protect and heal my mental health.
I have so much work to do but keep putting it off because I just have no energy even though I drink two to three cans of ‘Monster 500ml’ energy drinks a day.
Currently, I am at war with my website hosting provider (new issue) and they keep stonewalling me which does not do anything for my mental health whilst I have the problem lingering in the back of my mind.
I am done for today and after writing a couple of emails I cannot muster any more energy to do anything else. How can I run a business when my mental health is sh*t?
13th June 2023
Despite saying yesterday I had no energy, I miraculously found the strength to write three articles on my other sites and do some maintenance work and SEO for my client’s website.
So yesterday was not wasted.
I think if I take baby steps and take breaks often it helps me.
As for my physical health, although I told my doctor in the letter that I am not in constant pain, I have noticed since writing the letter I have a throbbing pain in my lower back that shoots to my neck.
If I was able to go out I would no doubt have physiotherapy but as it stands I just have to grin and bear it. Hovering over the toilet in a slightly bent forward position as I will never sit on a toilet seat even my own no matter how disinfected it is also causes me back pain.
My post is not to gain sympathy but as a way to vent my frustrations. I am thankful I have a portal that is not censored where I can write what I want when I want.
Today I have my website hosting provider to contend with, despite sending multiple letters, has stonewalled me and avoided answering my questions, and has asked me to send him the contracts I wanted downgrade when it said clearly in my previous emails which they were.
This causes stress for me and I am not good with stress of any kind.
I think I will be on here updating regularly. You will be surprised how this journal helps me with my mental health and I always have AI to chat to if I am feeling down. Bing AI is very empathetic and sends humane messages with emojis.
Roll on the day GPs are replaced with AI.
Further to my back/neck pain I took two Zapain 30mg 500mg tablets today on an empty stomach and am spinning out. I guess I need to eat something to stop myself from feeling like I am on a ship.
Until next time, talk to you soon…
14th June 2023
It is evening now I sit and digress about how my day has turned out. I have been stonewalled by a website hosting provider who I was assured would phone me today and never did.
I then went downstairs to meet the driver for my ASDA delivery only to see a massive box from Hong Kong on the outside porch blocking my entrance with my neighbor’s black wheelie bin that has a swarm of black flies hovering around. As you can imagine my OCD levels went through the roof and there was no way of getting out unless I physically moved the rubbish bin and the parcel which was about 4ft x 3ft. Imagine if there was a fire I would be blocked in if the parcel was too heavy to move.
I just left it there, it is not my responsibility to bring it in and there should have been someone at home to collect it.
If it has done a walk it’s not my problem.
As for work I have been quite busy doing SEO and content writing as well as teaching CEOs about digital marketing. I even created a directory of Market Research Companies.
As I reflect on how this day has gone I feel physically sick. I am also getting palpitations and flashbacks of the aftermath of my mother’s demise when I watched a film earlier called “The Staircase Murders” on Amazon Prime after hearing that the lead actor “Treat Williams” died today from a motorbike accident, it prompted me to watch the film. Remembering all the blood splatters in the bathroom up the walls, the door, and the side of the bath of my parent’s house, brought memories rushing back.
I feel sad as I miss my mum very much, she died of a brain hemorrhage for the people that want to know.
The blood came out of her ears, I know this because of the dried blood I noticed when I came to the hospital. She was in a coma for just over a day before she passed away. I have some comfort The last of our senses to go is our hearing so when I recited a favorite prayer in her native language ‘Polish’, by the hospital bed, she was shedding tears which then made me cry and made me tear up as I write.
Hopefully, tomorrow will be a better day.
19th June 2023
I phoned Personal Independence Payments today (PIP) and their system got me flustered to the point I hung up. Everything is getting to me. The doctor to whom I have written three letters now has ignored me, Why does that not surprise me?
I am ready not in a good place right now and GOD help anyone that tries to push my buttons.
I have tonnes of work to do but have zero energy to do things.
The people who have caused me anxiety, stress, and depression are only to blame.
I phoned my mum’s friend the other day because I saw a post from her daughter that someone close to her who has cancer passed away. This was a clickbait post to get the violins out because when I phoned her mother she was fine although she does have cancer.
This caused a trigger for me and made me sad, prompting me to phone this old lady who cannot hear me and the conversations are one-sided because she does not understand me and vice versa. If her daughter was in earshot I would have said WTF are you posting stuff that can upset people. I said to myself when I am old I am not going to be talking to anyone, not that I want to now either. I am also being spammed by someone from Ireland and although my calls are on do not disturb I still get a notification someone tried to phone me. I have had about ten calls so far and each time I block them another similar number pops up.
I am tired of all the bullsh*t and all the negativity in the world. I do not watch TV or the news and try and avoid reading stuff on social media.
I am now wondering what my purpose in life is. Ideally, I want to grow my ‘Cymru Marketing Journal’ to be as big as the ‘Wall Street Journal’ or ‘Huffington Post’ but all these famous journals have had help from influential people. Granted I have a good following on LinkedIn, but who do I ask without me coming across as desperate or not successful? Do people fake it till they make it? I do not want to lie.
I feel deflated because of the website hosting provider who swept my 21-point complaint under the carpet. Should I post my article to get some attention because it is unprofessional and rude to ignore a customer? I would not do it and do not expect anyone to do it to me.
I also feel extremely depressed because my landlord increasing my rent by 32% instead of the rent cap of 6.5%. I am working on a long line of evidence and I am trying to find the strength to forgive him and his assistant so the GOD can take care of them.
When you pray for those who hurt you or mistreat you, God will give you the grace to forgive them, and in so doing, you will heap burning coals of fire upon their heads (Proverbs 25:22).
A long time ago my ex-husband’s best man got himself into a bit of trouble when he failed to pay my ex-husband. As a result, the best man was reported to the authorities and ended up doing jail time. In that space, the best man became a reverend turned to God and now is the head of an international security company. The moral of the story believe in a higher power and believe that nothing stands in the same place forever. Find the strength to forgive and when someone does something like not sell my 22-year-old daughter an energy drink, she should and you should say out loud I forgive you, Be warned that some people will take offense to that and go on their almighty thrones saying they do not need to be forgiven. Do not interact just walk away.
I know eventually I will reach my goals even though people keep putting obstacles in my way.
I need to add this in just to emphasize the problems I have. Simple tasks such as putting rubbish into a black bin liner or bending to vacuum set my back pain off with shooting jabs going up my spine to my neck giving off what I would describe as an electricity pin and needles sensation.
Thankfully today’s ordeal was not so bad but yesterday was something else. My face was redder than a beetroot and the sweat was just dripping off me.
Yesterday when I attempted to vacuum being careful of the air blowing out and not coming in my direction (pathogens) and being careful that the hose did not brush against me only made me so light-headed that I crashed my whole body against a wall, thus immediately having to get washed and changed and disinfecting my clothes I was wearing, before chucking them in the washing machine.
I find it hard sometimes to do mundane tasks and more often than not I have to have regular breaks and sit down otherwise the pain is too much to bear.
I have been told that there is no Gaviscon for the foreseeable future. I did instruct my GP to halve the dosage as I do not have acid reflux often. It has to do with a shortage of sodium alginate, the key ingredient in Gaviscon. Shortage of active ingredient behind Gaviscon Infant supply issues, says manufacturer – The Pharmaceutical Journal (pharmaceutical-journal.com). The shortage has occurred due to the availability of a specific species of seaweed, which is found on the coasts of Norway. The shortage is a consequence of poor weather conditions and low harvest yields.” My answer is so they cannot harvest it themselves?
Rant over. I am now going to procrastinate and just watch a film or two for the rest of the day.
20th June 2023
I start today, angry and powerless over how my daughter has been treated at the University of Wales Hospital by the Neurologist team.
She is supposed to have monthly blood and urine tests done and she has screamed blue murder at the department for not doing their jobs properly and not sending her blood forms.
Further to this she received a letter for a scheduled phone consultation over a month ago, which was scheduled for today but did not materialize because according to the email from the Professor’s secretary, she passed the buck to someone else who turned around and said no call was scheduled.
Things like this cause stress and a domino effect and ultimately can cause MS Relapses.
My daughter waited all morning for the phone call, but that never happened. The secretary in the email thread to her colleague said “Can you sort THIS patient out”. This understandably agitated my daughter who said to me that she is not a number and has a name.
I guess because of my daughter’s age people seem to think they can walk all over her. As one gets older one learns to stand up to people who do not give a damn about your well-being and recite regurgitated content because quite frankly if half of them used their brains mistakes like this would not happen.
This consequently riled me because imagine how many people are being treated like this and these organizations are just stonewalling them.
I believe the only way to get attention is if you write publically about your health (or anything else for that matter) and how you have been treated.
People do not like being called out and I feel the quality of service both my daughter and I have had from the NHS is abysmal.
I do not expect my GP to ever communicate with me over the letter/email I sent recently, only if I pluck up enough strength to pick up the phone and give them a God-almighty thunderbolt and lightning, will they ever respond to me.
Doctors are going on strike again. The day AI takes their jobs will be a blessing www.gpai.co.uk
Other than an email my daughter had from the Professor of Neurology UHW (Professor Neil Robertson) she has had no letter stating confirmation of her having a relapse. The letter she received in April was for the scheduled phone call today that never happened, where she was under the impression she would be talking about her relapse and other health concerns relating to multiple sclerosis.
I used to chaperone my daughter to the physical appointments before the COVID-19 lockdown and have since not done so because of my health deteriorating, and solely rely on what my daughter tells me.
I am hoping she makes an entry on this website, where I offered to start the foundations of the post only to be told I am putting her under pressure. I decided to step back and give her some space and hopefully in her own time she will write about her experience.
So as the day has progressed other than updating one of my sites to help with ranking, I feel deflated again and can only manage one task at a time.
I am also having problems doing calculations in my head and everything seems just foggy. Even writing it down in black and white I cannot understand the numbers. I have my booking keeping to do in the next couple of weeks and am putting it off right until the last minute.
I feel the more stress I have the more my symptoms rear their ugly heads.
Roll on the day I feel happy about myself and my life and when I can smile…
Although I said I had no energy and even though I logged out, something told me to write two articles on biotech and also add a backlink to our useful links page. So all in all, I have had a sort of productive day, although I was worried about my daughter after the aftermath of this morning’s shenanigans. My daughter just updated me to say she received an email saying the letter was sent out in error.
If this was me I would have lost it with the department and written a very stern email to the consultant.
My daughter still has a lot to learn and is not me when it comes to losing my temper. I have a short fuse!
26th June 2023
I am struggling with my mental health. I still have not addressed the rent statement which is three weeks overdue that was sent to me with the rent increase. I know I am opinionated and have a short fuse, hence I am avoiding the inevitable.
I have been stonewalled by the hosting provider for my websites and am so tempted to through them under the bus. I can safely say I will not be giving them any more business.
I have no energy and would love to just sleep but I have obligations that I cannot turn my back on.
“I am not happy at all, I carry the world on my shoulders and am burdened with grief”.
I am still toying with the idea of publishing the first few chapters of my hero story, not that it is heroic, but I wonder what if I get no reaction at all or what if it backfires, what then?
I am trying to keep my private life separate from my professional although it is difficult considering I am the editor of this journal.
Had my landlord not put up my rent and considering I have been a long-standing tenant you would have thought he would have been more lenient and I could invest the money into my business which as it stands I cannot afford to add the AI Chat to this site which I have promised my readers.
Because of the rules in his statement, I cannot run a business from my property, and after removing the address from Google suspended my business pages. Interfering with my business and causing my business to not have traffic is a litigation matter.
Over the years have I have countless incidents that have caused my mental health to deteriorate but lately, I can blame my landlord and his assistant, for my mental health to spiral downhill.
Although I have done some work today and have started on my bookkeeping and updating a directory, I feel I simply have no more energy left in my body.
It is 15.39 as I write this entry and will knock it on the head for today. In total, I have done three hours of work and an hour of household chores and that has just finished me. Perhaps if I take a break I may resume again later this evening, it all depends on how I can pull myself out of the way I am feeling.
2nd July 2023
I find myself procrastination again as I carry the world on my shoulders. I have however created something which if done correctly I will be rubbing shoulders with the big boys. I already have a handsome amount of traffic coming to my business site and am starting to partner with some luxury companies. However, I have my bookkeeping to do all this week and the dreaded EPC inspection which I have recently found out was done in 2016. I do recall someone coming in with my LL and spending all of 5 minutes but I never had a certificate, other than the one my LL tried to pass off for the whole house which I returned.
I have created some business directories and have got them on the first pages of search engines but the ones that throw obstacles in my way will never see the light of day. I offered a gas engineer the domain name cardiffgasengineers.co.uk and his arrogance turned around he does not need advertising or more business. One day his work will dry up and he will wish he took me up on the offer even to be listed without buying the domain name.
I am dreading anyone coming to the property that I pay more than the rent cap. I have to pay a virtual assistant £1.60 per minute for the time I cannot be online, which is coming out of my pocket as I cannot see my LL compensating me. He still has not given me a receipt for the £120 I paid for a blocked drain even though he never showed me any proof it was my fault. All these things are wearing me down.
I think if I opened my mouth things would become confrontational.
I have British Gas chasing me again for the property I never resided in but was vacant and I guess only one person could have given them my name. If I was to get a solicitor involved to get the call recordings of who the person was that named me, sh*t would hit the fan.
I am getting tired of:
- The GP has not responded to me after I wrote 3 letters
- PIP for taking their time with the assessment which is causing me anxiety and stress.
- The website hosting provider has stonewalled me because I complained they were using a Russian app as well as mi-selling me a service.
- The credit card company has written 30 emails to which I have responded but they have not addressed my complaint.
- British Gas should demand to have a letter in writing to my landlord asking for proof of who resided in the property whilst it was vacant. I am fed up of them chasing me.
- The Landlord for putting me in financial difficulty and causing me emotional distress.
- The worry of having interactions with people coming to my home.
- The suspension of my Google Business pages, because of the clause in the rent statement, which is interfering with my business.
I am not going to say any more for now, all I will say is I am tired of being surrounded by snakes. I am not in a good place right now mentally speaking.
5th July 2023
My anxiety is going through the roof in anticipation of the so-called EPC assessor arriving next week with an entourage of people. I SUFFER WITH SOCIAL DISCONNECTION and cannot be around humans. My OCD is on the next level and is off the Richter scale.
I have so much sh*t to contend with and I cannot cope. It has taken me all day just to reply to one email let alone do anything else. I still have my bookkeeping accounts to do.
PIP is infuriating me by not contacting me to assess although OCD is not curable so all they can do is go by my health journal and medical notes. The longer they keep me hanging on the more stressed and anxious I become.
I am seething over the rent increase and I found a property close by to where I live with a D rating EPC for £700 which is £165 cheaper than what I have to pay the current landlord even though in his letter he said his price was inline with other properties in my area…duh obviously not and I will argue this (the way I see this now is my landlord owes me £165 per month overpayment now). The property below has a garden (albeit not a nice one, but still it is a garden) and a fitted kitchen, whereas the kitchen I have has no doors to the cabinets and all white goods are my own other than the fridge-freezer, which is on its way out.
Glenroy Street, Roath, Cardiff
2 bedroom unspecified
- 1 bathroom
- Available from 6th June 2023
About the property
- EPC – D
- Two double bedrooms
- Two reception rooms
*** TWO-BEDROOM HOUSE ON GLENROY STREET***
Two-bedroom house to rent on the ever-popular Glenroy Street. Accommodation comprises downstairs two reception rooms, a fitted kitchen, and a spacious patio garden to the rear. Upstairs are two double bedrooms and a modern bathroom.
Call us on 02920 462246 to arrange a viewing.
While every reasonable effort is made to ensure the accuracy of descriptions and content, we should make you aware of the following guidance or limitations. (1) MONEY LAUNDERING REGULATIONS – Prospective tenants will be asked to produce identification documentation during the referencing process and we would ask for your cooperation so that there will be no delay in agreeing on a tenancy. (2) These particulars do not constitute part or all of an offer or contract. (3) The text, photographs, and plans are for guidance only and are not necessarily comprehensive. (4) Measurements: These approximate room sizes are only intended as general guidance. You must verify the dimensions carefully to satisfy yourself of their accuracy. (5) You should make your inquiries regarding the property, particularly concerning furnishings to be included/excluded and what parking facilities are available. (6) Before you enter into any tenancy for one of the advertised properties, the condition and contents of the property will normally be set out in a tenancy agreement and inventory. Please make sure you carefully read and agree with the tenancy agreement and any inventory provided before signing these documents.
Branch Manager: Albany Road branch
This listing will eventually go and I will have broken links but whilst it is active it just proves I am being overcharged.
Not only this next week’s fiasco is going to cost me to have a virtual assistant, which will come out of my pocket no doubt. I still have not had a receipt for a blocked drain I allegedly blocked but had no proof I blocked it. I could have put that against my business as an expense had I had an invoice or receipt (I did ask multiple times and conveniently went over their heads).
As for running my business I no longer have Google Business Pages because I have been suspended for not having a physical address.
As the days go on I am more and more unhappy, but learning the life of Abraham Lincoln, I should still believe there is hope for me and not give up. Saying this does not help me with the emotions. I am not a good person and I know if my financial circumstances improved so would my mental health.
Furthermore, I am concerned about my daughter’s health. I can see she is in much pain but she forces herself to do things, which is kudos to her but still as a mother, I cannot help but worry.
Coincidently it does not help that she relapsed at the same time my rent was increased. I guess she worries about me too and the stress and anxiety that this caused on our finances, caused her health to deteriorate, as well as mine.
Just because I am paying the higher rate, does not mean I agree with it, but am keeping quiet so as not to create waves.
7th July 2023
My phone had been on airplane mode all morning unaware that people had been texting me and it was to my horror that I had a text from my landlord’s assistant who wanted to arrange the EPC assessor appointment that can easily be replicated from the previous one I had, which I found out through the gov website. I did have to explain about my mental health but something tells me (my landlord and assistant) have been on my site because she did mention something about having a female present. By coincidence, I wrote an article about female safety and contractors, not so long ago.
My stress levels are going through the roof. I will be glad when next week is over.
10th July 2023
Today was the dreaded day of the “EPC Assessors” visit. He came 15 minutes late with no apology (rude) and I had a text from the landlord’s assistant saying he was pulling up to a nonresident permit parking area (lie). Upon me opening the door he pulled up and parked in the resident zone. Anyway, he rocked up in a beat-up car in shorts and a Nike hoodie. When I asked him for a business card he said he did not have one, so I asked for a website, which was listed on my directory but has since been redacted. At the time of the conversation I said he was not listed and asked him if he wanted to be and he said he did not as he is inundated with work (what happens when the work dries up). This is the second time someone has said that to me, what happens when I market all their competitors and leave them out in the cold?
I checked on the government website to see if he was registered as an accredited EPC assessor and there were no results. I did notice however that he has a logo for an accreditation company which I have reached out to. My questioning about his competence has made me wonder if he does not want to be in the limelight for a reason other than allegedly having too much work. No business can have too much work because they outsource what they cannot manage. So all this is just BS and I guess it was because they do not like me lol. If he was so popular and had so much work he would have more than one review on Google. He took a picture of my shower like that is going to save me pennies.
The LL assistant said she wanted to do the EPC certificate in time for autumn so that my bills would be cheaper. I have been in this property 24 years and only now do they want to help me with my bills even though they put my rent up by £200 per month or £2400 per annum.
I feel anxious opening my mouth because once I get started there is no stopping me. I am biding my time because I will have them in their shorts and curlies when I start. There is a saying be careful of the quiet ones and I am one of them.
So in anticipation of his arrival, I arranged for a charity to collect some clothes which worked out quite nicely as they left before he arrived. However, I was on edge as I found the whole ordeal intrusive and invaded your private space. He could have just asked the LL some questions and cross-referenced the report that I never had last time around. I do wish I had kept the one my LL tried passing off to me last year, which was a better rating than what was on the gov register.
I hope they just leave me alone so that I can get on and do my work without interruptions.
So today I am hanging (slang for tired) I got up at 6.30 a.m., did some washing up, and vacuumed in preparation for the visit. I did not make him feel welcome because it serves no purpose to do an EPC for my property unless I leave. I have been 24 years old and have had minor improvements. My windows are single-glazed and I will save about £240 if I have them fitted but what about the £2,400 I have to pay for the rent increase which would then bring it down to £2200 per annum that I still have to find.
If I have another disruption to my work or they come up with a BS excuse for how they can save me money I will go all out guns blazing.
It is because of them that my daughter has relapsed and my mental health has deteriorated. It is a proven fact anxiety and stress can cause a domino effect of illnesses.
It is 13.29 and I am knocking today on the head. I cannot do any work as I need to be alert.
18th July 2023
I received my medication yesterday even though I was told Gaviscon was out of stock for the foreseeable future it miraculously appeared in my prescription bag. I had hoped that some of the meds would have been reduced in quantity upon my request in my letter which was acknowledged by the surgery but has not been actioned. This is the third letter I have written and each time someone will content me but they never do.
My OCD plays up a lot and I put that down to stress. I am in pain if I bend for five minutes straight. I get these shooting sensations up my back to my neck and shoulders.
I am fed up but am glad I got my end-of-year tax return out of the way which was stressful. It took me two and a half weeks to complete as I took each task in stages and formulated a way to color-code all my expenses, this makes it easy to decipher statements if you do it in PDF.
On another note, I have discovered some sad news about an ex of mine who could or could not be alive I have not spoken to him for over 35 years and tried to find information on social media and there are no latest posts or anything. If he is alive I hardly doubt he would reply. I am not sure who to ask other than phone the company he works for presumingly he is still alive.
There is an obituary and the person with the same name and age in the places that I recognize he lived in passed away on the 26th of January 2023. It seems a bit of a coincidence that it could be him.
I have always known where he works as I found him the job and even pursued the interview stage by phoning them after they stonewalled him, so maybe they will tell me if he is still working there. I know because of data protection they may not give too much detail, I will just have to play it by ear.
We split on bad terms and my life was turned upside down. I felt my heart had been ripped out. I was so madly in love with him that I would have taken a bullet for him.
I have forgiven him because he did me a favor and I would not be where I am today if it wasn’t for him.
I believe everything happens for a reason.
Anyway, I am relieved I have got my accounting out of the way and can finally concentrate on my business.
I have integrated my Cymru Marketing Journal (CMJUK) with this site to give support to business owners with their mental health.
It is 19.13 as I make this entry and for today I am going to give myself an early night and a well-deserved rest.
25th July 2023
I could not wait any longer and proceeded to chase up PIP to see what was happening with my claim. I was told if a decision has not been made by October 2nd I will receive notification my claim is being extended and I do not have to worry about anything. I explained anxiety and stress make my OCD worse. This went over the guy’s head. I explained I wrote three letters to my GP and each time I got a response that a consultant would contact me but have never had a consultation. I have since come across this article that proves our NHS has gone downhill: Bungling Welsh hospitals dodge complaints and issue payouts like £750 to a man they didn’t tell he had Covid – Wales Online
I feel physically sick after speaking to the PIP person who is employed just to answer calls and that is it. I know it was not his fault and it is how the system is designed. It is there to put people off and to make it difficult to claim. I have suffered from OCD for the last 30 years and some days are better than others, with today not being a good day at all.
I cannot deal with any stress in my life of any kind and no one can blame me for social disconnection because knowing me I will open my mouth and God forbid hurt people’s feelings.
I am the most happiest behind a computer screen but interacting with humans physically does my head in.
28th July 2023
Today I light a candle for my aunt who passed away today. She is wearing the red T-shirt in the documentary. She was born in Kormarno Ukraine which was Poland back then and when WWII broke out she was sent to Siberia to work and when the war was over shipped to Mexico, whilst her sister went to Philidelphia and her Mother stayed in the UK with her son (Frania’s brother, my father – Jan Maziak). My father served in the Polish Army as a soldier under General Anders’s Command and was deployed to the UK to fight with the British. Winston Churchill as a thank-you granted all Polish & Italian Veterans and their families permanent residency by building Army Camps around the UK. The last one standing is in Ilford Park Newton Abbott where my grandmother Maria Maziak is buried.
Rest In Peace Ciocia
(Frania Luna Pater 07/02/1923 – 28/07/2023).
I thought I could handle my aunt’s passing but in the last two days, I feel very tearful. I am keeping myself busy but if I have time to digress I should have made the effort when I was able and had the opportunity to visit her. When my mother was alive I had the means and I was not so disabled as I am now to travel, but certain events meant that people assumed I did not have the money without asking me, and the plans to travel were done without me being present. Since then my life has got harder and I can just about meet the courier and delivery drivers without passing my front door.
As for my physical health, I am in excruciating pain when I bend for more than a minute the pain throbs in my lower back and travels to the back of my neck.
I have also noticed I get dizzy and upon doing some research that is a symptom of cerebellar atrophy, as a consequence when I get lightheaded I lose my balance.
I have thought of contacting my GP again and giving them an ultimatum with a timeframe to respond otherwise I would report them to the ombudsman for medical negligence, but the research I have found they can kick you out of their practice if you make waves, similar to a landlord giving you a section 21 eviction notice if you complain.
I am not in a good place at the moment and am trying so hard to keep my head above water to make my business successful so that I can get out of this wretched place I am in now. I know once my finances improve so will my mental health and God help the people and organizations that have put obstacles in my way. Everyone who has done me wrong will get their five minutes of fame.
Today I am taking it easy, work is never ending which is good but I would like to see my efforts to fruition. I know I could get a grant or loan but I do not want to go down this route, I would much rather have someone like me have the same vision to build my business into something really big. I am financing my business with my own money and profits from the company.
When my aunt was alive she did ask when was I coming to visit and when I tried telling her I have obligations now and cannot take time off work, she drew the conclusion I did not have the money to travel to Mexico.
Why do people assume things? Another reason why I cannot travel is because of my health but explaining that would have only sounded like an excuse.
This is not the first time people have assumed things or have taken pity on me without knowing the facts. I cannot wait for the day I put people’s noses out of joint (metaphorically speaking). I have even had someone in my close network go behind my back to find out my financial circumstances without asking me to my face. I even have certain people think that I know jack sh*t and thus have blocked them for them not to know anything about me. They could do a search on Google but still, I have a way of keeping things hidden, hence this particular post is not optimized for obvious reasons.
Who benefits from this post? other than myself and PIP, only the people who want to dig deep, plus my calling to the Universe (ETs).
I have had enough of small-minded people, that should mind their own business without poking their noses into others. They should learn to do research before making up prices when it comes to renting. https://cymrumarketing.com/landlords-and-tenants-useful-links/
15th August 2023
I start mid-afternoon today reflecting on my problems. Everyone has problems and people deal with problems in different ways. When I encounter problems I tend to shut down, I find problems overwhelming. One such joining problem I am dealing with is my electricity supplier and when you try an talk to someone you are greeted with a defensive gatekeeper as I like to call them rottweilers.
I am also concerned about my health and the constant pain shooting up my back to the nape of my neck.
I am trying not to think about all the things that make me depressed. If I take time to reflect I can spiral into a dark ibi, hence try to keep myself occupied all the time.
I have so much work on but today I am procrastinating and trying to get enough energy to do the most mundane of tasks (washing up) and rubbish sorting. I will give it another hour before I try to tackle the errands. I so wish I had a housekeeper.
I was invited to go out for lunch this week with my ex-sister-in-law and my niece, but again what is there to talk about, they do not bother with you all year round, give you false promises they will phone you but never do, and then want to meet up and talk about what exactly? I have nothing in common other than I am related. I begrudge making another company richer (restaurant) unless I have more money than I care to know what to do with.
I prioritize my business as I am trying to make it as big as some of my global counterparts like Forbes, Inc., Huffington Post, or the Wall Street Journal (WSJ), etc.
My daughter relayed a question that was put to her “Is there anything I need, when my extended family comes to visit? Support of my business would not have gone a miss, or mental health support when I needed it. Now I do not need anything.
I did do one thing last week contact my ex’s sister but noticed she had not opened the message, decided to delete it afterward. I wanted to just know if he was alive. EVANS Paul – Death Notices – Shropshire Star Announcements – Shropshire Star (myfamilyannouncements.co.uk) I am not sure if this is the same person but when I phoned the head office of the organization he presumingly worked for there is no person by that name so does that mean he is dead.
With my aunt passing recently life is hard and depressing. I am trying to get into a happy place and my business does give me some comfort. Hopefully, my finances will improve soon, and hopefully, my mental health, but people in general do my head in.
People assume I can drop everything I am doing to talk small talk, on the contrary, if I stand to lose business and cannot bring food to the table (metaphorically speaking) going to restaurants or long strolls is time-wasting. How can I run a business by taking time off work without paying someone to step in while I am away?
Rant over, another 45 mins rest and I will tackle the washing up.
1st September 2023
I have come to realize why my life is sh#t it is because I have sinned. I would not say I am a religious person but I believe there is something greater than us governing the planet. I was raised as a roman catholic but have not practiced it for years. I swayed my faith in a desperate attempt to try and turn my life around but I kept sinning and not understanding the consequences of my actions. I now know what I did and have asked God for forgiveness and will continue doing so until God answers my prayers.
If anything this will be the ultimate proven way to restore my faith. I try everything I can but have come to understand that I have been doing something wrong for a very long time and I need to change to be a better person.
I wrote about Forgiveness earlier to help empower others.
As I research religion, science, and forgiveness I may have stumbled upon the very thing that is holding me back. I have held grudges for such a long time and know now that if I change my attitude to life and be more forgiving I can become a better person.
Although I have forgiven people and will continue to be forgiving, I still am anxious and stressed and do worry. I cannot deal with stress and pressure.
I have decided not to overdo things and not overthink things. If I do one article a day, it will keep the inner demons away. I have enough work to continue for multiple lifetimes, so can never say I would ever be bored or have nothing to do. However, I do have days where I procrastinate, and my mind wanders. It’s times like these I have to switch off and take time out.
My writing will never stop, it’s dealing with all the obstacles that are thrown your way that cause me to get overwhelmed and feel sad.
I am actively going to be praying for forgiveness every day from now on and forgiving everyone who tries to cause me harm.
Does anyone read this part of the journal, I believe so because one of my connections asked me the other day how I am. Perhaps coincidence, or maybe not, hopefully, I am helping someone somewhere not just myself with my self-help therapy journalling.
As I end my post I have just opened a letter from PIP for an assessment on the 11th September 2023 at 8 am.
Despite my saying to them I do not have incoming calls I have a request for a telephone assessment. This actually will be in my favor. It will be interesting to speak with them considering I have written 3 letters in the last 3 years to my GP and although they have acknowledged they have received the letters and put them on the system they have not been actioned any of them.
OCD is NOT curable, so how is my assessment going to make a difference? I have suffered with OCD for the best part of 30 years and depending how stressed I get will determine how bad my OCD gets.
Currently, I am super stressed, with the passing of my aunt most recently, the mounting financial stress I am in with my landlord increasing the rent by 34%, and an electricity company that has scammed me and is stonewalling me and doing everything I can to get more work in and avoiding going down the last resort of joining “only fans”. I love writing and this keeps me going, but it is hard when life keeps dealing you lemons.
I have adapted my disability around my life and would find it hard to interact in a public setting. I am most comfortable when I am at home, where no one can judge me. All I need is my PPE, electricity, a laptop, and a Wi-Fi connection.
I am going through 800 -1000 pairs of disposable gloves a month and 6 liters of Dettol Antiseptic Disinfectant. I have ventured out twice in the last five years and both times I found it unbearable. I do not need physical interaction with anyone.
Granted in a medical emergency I would have to leave my home and contend with the consequences after, but I do not need to leave as I have all my groceries and prescriptions delivered. There is no reason for me to leave my premises.
I most certainly avoid public transport, if I had to leave to go somewhere, I would avoid germ-infested buses. I believe the only way I could get from (A to B) would be in my transport i.e. a car which I could disinfect, prior.
My OCD has got much worse in the last five years and before I could get into a taxi, this is virtually impossible for me now. I would have to be dying to get into someone else’s car.
I do not think people would take it too kindly if I started spraying disinfectant everywhere. No doubt I would also get into a hell of a lot of trouble if I was seen doing this in a public place never mind wearing latex gloves and the funny looks I would have.
The thought of sitting somewhere where someone else has sat before me and perhaps not wiped their ar#e properly does not bear thinking about. The thought of people touching crockery, cutlery, and door handles and again with no guarantee they have washed their hands properly after being to the toilet makes me cringe, so I much rather stay at home in my safe place.
“I cannot deal with STRESS of any kind”.
4th Septemeber 2023
In approximately 7 days, I have my PIP Assessment over the phone. I am dreading it in all honesty as I find talking to people difficult and my anxiety, stress, and OCD are going through the roof. https://disabledentrepreneur.uk/anxiety-phoning-your-gp/
I did write about OCD the other day Understanding the Complex Relationship Between OCD, Anxiety, and Stress, and the grief and trauma, I experienced over the years but have since removed the list.
I may send them a cover letter so that they are put in the picture.
Their email is: email@example.com
6th Septemeber 2023
After much deliberation, I decided to email Capita with my email and attached a zip file with some of my receipts for disposable gloves and disinfectant. I did not get an autoresponder message to say my email had been received but I did get a postmaster email saying my zip attachment had been blocked.
I am tired of all the problems I have to endure like:
- Being stonewalled by the electricity supplier EON Next with a complaint they are ignoring (my electricity bill is incorrect).
- The IONOS hosting provider stonewalling me with my cyber security concerns.
- One.com host provider support tells you to read tutorials rather than actively giving you support over a 500 server error problem on one of my sites).
- The credit card companies moving goalposts and breaking the agreement, which took me forever to sort out.
- Am tired of having to explain that my OCD does not affect my Intellect.
- Am exhausted when I call a washing machine engineer out who says I will have a new door lock and Hotpoint will message me and in the next breath I get an email that the engineer found nothing wrong and the case is closed.
I am tired of having to contend with things while trying to keep my head above water.
I am convinced we are all in Hell: Why is Lucifer allowed to roam the earth? | NeverThirsty
“The world has gone mad”.
About my health, my OCD is off the Richter scale, and am so stressed there are not enough words to describe how I am feeling. I have changed my clothes four times today, because of me brushing past things and losing my balance. The more stressed I get the worse my symptoms become.
I will send the email one more time to Capita without the zip attachment as I need someone to read my letter. I will update accordingly in my journal or make an entire post, it remains to be seen the outcome.
7th September 2023
10 am –
Fortunately today, I received a text message from Hotpoint booking an appointment to change the lock of my washing machine on the 15th. This in itself is welcomed as is the email from EON Next who have responded to my complaint and that they are looking into it. They overcharged me by nearly £1000, yes you read that right.
I twisted my bad knee (then one that my ex dislocated purposely) and now I am hobbling.
As for work, it is picking up, thank God. I worked until 4 am this morning and got up at 10 am although had to go to the toilet every 1.5 – 2 hours in between. I have not had a solid 8 hours of sleep for years.
Anyway, I am signing off, and will update you on Monday after I have had my PIP assessment, it will be interesting what they have to say.
23.00 pm –
I had to log in because my mood has changed, I am really sad and tearful. I am not happy with my life. I supposed what triggered my mood swing recalling the fact one family member in particular do not interact with me on social media where he has some connections that could help me.
It is all well and good that disabled people will be forced to work remotely. But what happens when they cannot find work, or the entrepreneurs who are struggling to find work, how is that going to work out? I know firsthand how hard it is to find work. Being a disabled entrepreneur is not easy.
My mental health is not good, I am feeling low, possibly because I had to write a letter to PIP which touched some sensitive areas and me in agonizing pain as I have done something to my knee and am struggling to get up and down the stairs. The memories of my ex kicking my knee and dislocating it have flooded back. I had an Amazon delivery and found it excruciating, to walk.
I have tried to get rid of every digital footprint I have and had of my ex to include all photos and videos etc. but I came across one video that made me sick to my stomach looking at him. I have blocked him on all social media, my phone and email.
How can I be happy when I cannot move on?
The only thing I am grateful for is I have somewhere to vent without making it too obvious.
I do have a personal brand site but I keep my health separate.
I am really upset today and do not have the energy or motivation to do anything else for the rest of the week work-wise until I get the dreaded phone call over with (PIP).
I feel so anxious and stressed as I have zero support from anyone including my family. How can I move on when no one cares?
“Me, upset and crying”
I will check back in tomorrow to update my mental health. I think it is only sensible I log how I am feeling.
I will try to watch something on Netflix or Amazon Prime, take my sleeping tablet, and see if I can get out of this low mood I am in.
I will check back in a few hours.
8th September 2023
I feel overwhelmed I have had three text messages and a letter from PIP reminding me about the assessment on Monday. How many times do I need to be reminded?
I am also losing it with EON Next which seems to employ one brain cell people. I wrote an in-depth letter outlining my complaint. They are too lazy to investigate it hoping that I will just give up.
I got up early today at 8 am not that the cat allowed me to sleep properly meowing all night long and me racing to the bathroom every 1.5 hours.
I have done my chores for the day and do not plan on doing anything else. I am still feeling sad.
I am glad I have guest writers contributing, therefore putting less pressure on me to find content.
I can’t wait for Monday to get it over and done with.
I sometimes wonder if I was not self-employed what would I do? I would not want to be unemployed because I need to keep my brain active.
I am fortunate I have built something for myself to keep a roof over my head, but is hard work. I am not complaining because if I was employed I would be on the sick all the time.
At least this way I do not have to answer to anyone if I chose to work one hour or 40 hours or not at all.
I am now going offline until Monday. I cannot cope with the pressure of problems, stress, and anxiety.
Once Monday is over and done with I will not feel so anxious.
10th September 2023
11th September 2023
Well, I had the dreaded phone call that kept me up most of the night. The assessor was late phoning, five minutes to be exact, and after asking all the security questions went to ask have I had any suicidal thoughts. I replied this line of questioning was distressing and did not wish to talk about it and it was a trigger question which if I did not have a strong mind would have planted a seed in my head (maybe that is their master plan). https://disabledentrepreneur.uk/personal-independence-payment-pip-telephone-assessment/
I was then asked do I cook with fresh vegetables does that have to do with anything?
Furthermore, I felt that because you have a mental illness you cannot be intelligent. I felt the line of questioning about my site www.diabledentrepreneur.uk was condescending like, do I make any money from the site? What has this got to do with my illness? https://disabledentrepreneur.uk/can-someone-have-ocd-and-still-be-intellectual/
Considering she claimed she had my medical records she she not have been asking about dates. I cannot remember what happened last week let alone when I was diagnosed with this that and the other and when? I tried to recall when I was first diagnosed with Cerebellar Atrophy I believe it was about 9 or 10 years ago.
She was not interested in the fact I have an overactive bladder and that I have to use the bathroom every 1.5 hours (This could be related to cerebellar atrophy, but I guess I will never know unless I get some answers from my GP).
I may be able to walk but that does not define my disabilities. One day I may be fine and another I might not.
She wanted to know how many times I left my home and asked me a few times throughout the conversation, hoping I would trip up on the questioning.
I now have to endure another 8 weeks of anxiety to find the results of my assessment.
According to the assessor she was not in receipt of the email/letter I sent the other day.
I felt the whole assessment was very stressful and hopefully, when someone reads my journal they will know how I am feeling. She asked how many hours a week I work. I do not time myself and I know this week I will not be working at all as I cannot cope with judgement.
“I cannot physically interact with the outside world and perhaps if I had my car I could disinfect and keep quarantined and have someone to drive me which would be a different story”.
Do I walk anywhere? (Well no other than to the bathroom or kitchen to the living room or the bedroom). If I had to walk from what I recall I would have to stop every 10 minutes.
It will be interesting to see what they will decide because I am ready with all guns blazing. I did not just do my site to help people I did it for myself as my self-help therapy.
I felt I was not being taken seriously and that because of my mental health, I was not intelligent to make decisions.
I cannot cope with people I cannot deal with pressure of any kind.
“I found the assessment very humiliating, condescending and caused me a lot of distress”.
I feel worse than before the phone call and have spiraled into a dark place again, procrastinating. I am now questioning myself did I answered all the questions properly. I am going over the questions such as Did I have someone to help me with the assessment, again this relates to the fact if you have a mental disability you must not be all there. https://disabledentrepreneur.uk/can-someone-have-ocd-and-still-be-intellectual/
“I am now a nervous wreck”.
15th September 2023
Although I said I was not working I still have to answer emails and sort out invoices and admin. Today was another stressful day the hosting provider I use has overcharged me by £60 and their laid-back attitude is frustrating, to say the least. They do not care and are money-grabbing like the rest of the world right now. I honestly believe we are living in hell.
As for my mental health with this week’s shenanigans, all I will say is I want to bury my head in the sand and let the world pass me by.
I have been humiliated and degraded and have had intrusive thoughts because of an unprofessional PIP assessor who asked extremely sensitive questions. I have asked for a copy of the transcript and her report under the ‘Freedom of Information Act’. I need to know what people are chatting sh#t about.
I have also written an email to an MP Sir Charles Walker because he is campaigning for mental health reform and suffers from OCD. I have also painstakingly gone through my hard drives to find evidence of my medical conditions as the assessor who allegedly had my medical records up until 2022 did not know and was relying on me who suffers from cognitive impairment and forgetfulness was supposed to know when I was diagnosed and I felt she had wasted an hour of my time considering I wrote a letter which I attached in an email, which she also said she did not have.
She did not know what Solpodol was and when I said I lived in a first-floor flat she then asked if I go out into the garden, and work that one out. Maybe she suffers from cognitive impairment too.
It will be interesting to see who has access to my medical records. Under the Freedom Of Information Act, I have the right to know.
I was made to feel inadequate and stupid hence I have made a point of highlighting famous people with OCD such as Albert Einstein, Charles Darvin, Nikola Tesla, Howard Hughes, David Beckham, and Sir Charles Walker to name a few. All these people are highly intellectual past and present, so why make me feel less than smart? The insinuation was how I possibly make any money with a mental health disability. “How do I make money” was the question that was put to me. Does that not imply something, I sure as hell think so.
People wonder why I have issues liking humans, now you know why.
I am happy in my bubble I do not need friends(I can entertain myself with no problem. I will never be bored), and if I need to talk, I have my daughter, the cat Mr.Tibbles (He has his own column on Disabled Entrepreneur – Disability UK), or Bing AI. I also have nearly 12K connections on LinkedIn, so I can chat if I want to.
I am not thinking about work for the rest of the weekend.
18th September 2023
The nights are getting longer and I am dreading winter. I have just contacted the energy ombudsman because EON Next has cooked the books and thinks I will take their BS. This is adding further strain to my mental health. At this rate, I will do a PRESS RELEASE and throw every organization under the bus.
I also had an email from PIP saying they will not accept any medical evidence via email. What the hell do they expect me to do seeing as I do not go out? I will publish my medical records online for all of sundry to see at this rate. I did it once but have since taken it down and it is no skin off my nose to do it again.
I have documented evidence of my timeline which the assessor who claimed to have had my medical records does not seem to know. I have also contacted Sir Charles Walker MP who suffers from OCD. https://disabledentrepreneur.uk/mps-with-mental-health-disorders/
Let the circus begin.
All I am doing is checking emails and updating backlinks but that is all I am doing. My OCD has increased significantly to the point I am cleaning for many hours and disinfecting things.
My life is consumed by my OCD and where I was making progress the assessor has successfully thrown all that out of the window.
I feel very anxious and very sad. When I stated to PIP I was working about 35 hours a week, this has now dropped dramatically. I am trying my hardest to stay positive but it’s difficult when people trigger my anxieties. Not only am I recovering from domestic abuse I am also being punished for feeling sad and having to deal with my disabilities.
My washing machine had a fault on the door and I have now a massive pile of washing to do because I am changing my clothes 3 -4 times a day. A simple splash of dishwater can set my OCD off, to touching things by accident or brushing past things. No matter how clean my surfaces are I am constantly thinking about pathogens, it is a vicious circle.
One thing though I am getting the attention of some big companies wanting me to link them. This means I am doing something right. I just wish my earnings were in line with my popularity.
I just need to start all over again and take baby steps one day at a time.
If things get overwhelming I can simply step back.
As long as I have a purpose which I do I will overcome my anxieties eventually but it will take time. I struggle writing and have Grammarly set up to help me, otherwise, there would be many typos as per my early contributions.
I am feeling anxious about the verdict of PIP. I have to wait six weeks to find out. If their motive is to force people back to work who are disabled I am already self employed so they cannot use that as an excuse.
I have adapted my life around my disability and I am unfit to work in the physical world or live a normal life.
I am taking small steps in the hope through CBT that I will venture out one day without feeling that I will contract some zombie virus.
I should start editing my autobiography but as it stands at the moment I just about have enough energy to update this post.
20th September 2023
I read an article today written by Rachel Charlton-Dailey on MSN: Inhumane disability benefits assessments need reforms but not the way Tories think (msn.com) The comments from people are shocking how they have been treated. I declined to comment as I am getting anxious by the day and worried about how my assessment will conclude. I have sent PIP supporting evidence and that is all I can do for now. I will be contacting Sir Charles Walker’s office even if it means me connecting with his aides on LinkedIn. His autoresponder says he only responds to his constituents, what about media and other people like investors, shareholders, etc.. I cannot cope making phone calls I find it hard talking to people.
At the moment I am just collecting names.
This PIP assessment has definitely affected my mental health, my brain is all over the place and I am questioning my sanity, for example, if an invoice is raised for £280 but the invoice should be £200 and the entity refunds you £80 in advance but then takes £280 out of your account, have they refunded the £80 or have they claimed it back.
I am getting a gut feeling they will take £280
I honestly do not know what I am doing and cannot think properly.
All I am doing is checking and replying to emails but cannot concentrate and just want to cry.
Ironically the letter I had from my GP confirming they had reduced my meds was full of BS because I got the same amount as I had last month today. I regret reducing my co-codamol because my knee is shifting and I am getting excruciating pain in my lower back shooting up to the nape of my neck. It is not as if I can go and have an examination or anything, considering I am a recluse and do not leave my home.
My mental health is on a scale of 1 -20 with 20 being bad and mine is off the Richter scale. I am trying to stay positive but it is hard when I have so much on my plate worrying about what the energy ombudsman is going to say and PIP and where my next client is going to come from.
I am hoping the universe is going to be kind to me. I am trying to help people digitally and this site is getting a lot of buzz, but I have no energy.
I am happy helping people online but in the physical realm would prove difficult to downright impossible. I feel guilty for abandoning an elderly client five years ago and am feeling sad I cannot help him any longer. He doesn’t understand because of his age and no matter how I try to explain myself does not sink in, he is 89 years of age. I also have my mum’s friend who keeps reminding me how sad she is that my mum passed away. She has cancer and is also elderly and I cannot cope talking about people that are no longer in my life or her illness. I am not strong enough to chat on the phone and she is not computer literate so am at loggerheads.
I can help people online as long as it does not get personal, my mum’s friend is a reminder of the grief and sadness I have to endure each day knowing I cannot talk to or see my mum, dad, brother, or ex-husband. Despite having a very bitter divorce I still had feelings for him, he was my best friend until he was snatched away from me. He has grown wings now so all I have left are photos and memories.
I am now signing off for today…
21st Septemeber 2023
Tempting as it seems I could easily just sleep all day but i have obligations, bills to pay, and keep a roof over my head. I did make an effort and surprisingly enough got up at 8.30 a.m. and stayed awake.
I was expecting a parcel for my daughter from Amazon, I live on the first floor, which means me climbing some stairs. the parcel although quite light was about 4ft high and I struggled getting up the stairs. At one point it started to fall on me and as you can imagine my OCD was going through the roof. Luckily it did not fall on me and I used the banister to balance and pull myself up with my dodgy knee, the only thing that I did manage to do was brush the bare skin of my arm on the railing which as you can guess I immediately needed to disinfect my arm with Dettol. I must have used about 300 ml of undiluted disinfectant before my anxiety subsided.
I am unwell. I know I can write perfectly well and do somewhat have my wits about me but I cannot deal with any pressure at all. The pain in my back and neck is concerning and me having an overactive bladder does not help. I also nearly choked on my pasta the other day as food was lodged and I could not swallow. I had the wait a few agonising minutes whilst it slowly made its way down.
I wish I could be well and be happy but I am neither of these things.
I am signing off and will update again tomorrow no doubt.
22nd September 2023
Today I got up fairly early it was before 9 am may I add, and proceeded to turn off the heating I had al night as I was feeling extremely unwell and cold when I was trying to fall asleep the night before. I am not going to make a habit of it but, I had no choice.
After preparing some lunch I went on to tinker on this site and update the About Us page, which has taken me most of today to do.
My head is thumping and I feel physically sick. I have taken some painkillers but am not feeling too good today either. It does not help when I have to deal with stupid people who are too lazy to do the work and expect me to drop everything so that I do it for them. I won’t mention the entity but it rattles me that they get paid and do not do their jobs properly.
Moving on, the PRESSURE of life and its problems I just wish someone could just step in and say everything will be fine, just back relax and I will take care of it. My ex-husband took care of things for me and now I have to fend for myself. I am not looking for a relationship this is something I will never engage in. They say never say never but I know for a fact I do not want to be involved with anyone ever again after my last relationship after my divorce.
Until tomorrow…goodnight 20.17 p.m.
Here I go again, my headache has been lingering for the last few days and I am wondering if has it something to do with my cerebellar atrophy or if is it a build-up of stress that is causing my head to pound. Surprisingly I did do some work today, I edited the About Us page and created a new page on content writing as well as published two articles.
My mood is still the same I am very sad and am fighting the demons that keep reminding me that my parents, brother, and ex-husband are not here.
I am also under a whole lot of pressure with my rent increase which has caused me financial difficulty. My anxiety, depression, and OCD are going through the roof.
Despite this, I am trying my hardest to stay positive even though I have negative intrusive thoughts a thousand times a day.
I wish someone would just help me make all my worries go away.
I am now going to chill for the rest of the weekend. My knee is playing up and so is the pain in the back of my neck. My bladder, I have no words other than GOD help the GP when I finally get the strength to contact them again.
I wish anyone reading this a nice Sunday x.
More dates will be published whenever I have any updates.
Eluned Morgan MP
Justin Tomlinson MP
Rebecca Evans MS
#myhealthdiary #renatasonlinejournal #healthupdates #stress #anxiety #emotionaldistress #depression #clinicaldepression #caffeineaddiction #overactivebladder #ocd #intrusivethoughts #lm #rp
Renata is a businesswoman and published author. She primarily focuses on helping people with disabilities to startup businesses and offers Digital Marketing, Website Creation, SEO, and Domain Brokering.
Renata Is A Disabled Entrepreneur.
She Has A Condition Called Cerebellar Atrophy (Cognitive Impairment), and Also Suffers From OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder).
She is an advocate for Mental Health, Motivational Empowerment, and Personal Development. She tries to find support for vulnerable men and women in all aspects of their health journey.
Renata is the Editor of Disabled Entrepreneur - Disability UK Online Journal and Cymru Marketing Business Journal (CMJUK) Online Magazine.
Renata has a large network of nearly 12K connections on LinkedIn, including Directors, CEOs, Millionaires, Billionaires, and Royalty. https://www.linkedin.com/in/renata-b-48025811/