Renata’s Online Journal of a Disabled Entrepreneur is a diary of her health conditions, her mental health, her business, and her highs, and lows. It may also include reviews and recommendations. Renata’s Online Health Journal covers her goals and achievements, her celebrations as well as her disappointments, and how she tries to recover through self-help therapy.
Renata suffers from OCD (Germ Contamination and Cross Contamination) and Cerebellar Atrophy (losing balance, jumbling up words, and brain fog).
Renata is a Survivor of Domestic Violence and suffers from Depression, PSTD, Anxiety, Panic Attacks, Intrusive Thoughts, and Social Disconnection.
Despite her trials and tribulations, Renata tries to stay positive and tries to overcome the obstacles she is faced with.
Renata is an advocate for mental health.
Renata is currently studying:
Professional Counselling Grief & Bereavement Diploma
Fully Accredited Professional Psychotherapy Diploma
Accredited Professional Master NLP Practitioner Diploma
Fully Accredited Professional Neuroplasticity Diploma
Her history and her disabilities do not define her, she is taking one step at a time, and she is a ‘Pheonix Rising’.
You can view her virtual business card and learn more about her here: www.irenata.com
This article mentions the wording about self-harm and suicide.
Understanding the Complex Relationship Between OCD, Anxiety, and Stress
Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD), anxiety disorders, and stress are three interrelated mental health conditions that can significantly impact an individual’s quality of life. Each of these conditions has its unique features and challenges, but they often coexist and exacerbate one another.
I. Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD)
Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder is a chronic mental health condition characterized by persistent, intrusive thoughts (obsessions) and repetitive behaviors or mental acts (compulsions) aimed at reducing distress. These obsessions and compulsions can consume a person’s life and become incredibly distressing.
Obsessions: OCD often begins with intrusive and distressing thoughts or mental images, which are irrational and unwanted. Common themes include fears of contamination, fears of harming others, or an intense need for symmetry and order. These thoughts can be incredibly distressing and lead to anxiety.
Compulsions: To cope with the anxiety caused by obsessions, individuals with OCD engage in repetitive behaviors or mental acts. These compulsions are performed to alleviate anxiety or to prevent a feared event. For instance, someone with contamination obsessions may engage in excessive handwashing.
II. Anxiety Disorders
Anxiety disorders encompass a range of conditions, including Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD), Panic Disorder, Social Anxiety Disorder, and others. While the specific symptoms vary among these disorders, they all involve excessive and chronic worry, fear, or nervousness.
Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD): GAD is characterized by excessive worry and anxiety about various aspects of life, often without a specific trigger. Individuals with GAD may experience physical symptoms like muscle tension, restlessness, and fatigue.
Panic Disorder: This disorder involves recurrent panic attacks, which are sudden and intense periods of fear and discomfort. Panic attacks can lead to further anxiety about having more attacks, creating a cycle of fear.
Social Anxiety Disorder: Social anxiety is marked by an intense fear of social situations and interactions. Individuals with this disorder may avoid social events or endure them with extreme distress.
Stress is a normal response to challenging or threatening situations. However, chronic stress can have adverse effects on both physical and mental health. It often results from various life stressors such as work, relationships, finances, or health issues.
The Body’s Stress Response: When we encounter a stressor, our body releases hormones like cortisol and adrenaline. This “fight-or-flight” response prepares us to deal with the threat. However, chronic stress can lead to an overactive stress response, which can negatively impact health.
The Complex Interplay
The relationship between OCD, anxiety, and stress is intricate and multifaceted:
OCD and Anxiety: OCD inherently involves anxiety, as individuals experience distressing obsessions and engage in compulsions to alleviate this distress. The obsessive thoughts generate anxiety, and the compulsive behaviors offer temporary relief.
Stress and Anxiety: Chronic stress can contribute to the development of anxiety disorders or exacerbate existing ones. Stressful life events can trigger or worsen anxiety symptoms, making it challenging to manage.
Stress and OCD: Stress can also trigger or worsen OCD symptoms. When individuals with OCD face high-stress situations, their obsessions and compulsions may intensify, further reducing their ability to cope with stress.
Managing OCD, Anxiety, and Stress
Therapy: Cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT), particularly exposure and response prevention (ERP), is the gold standard for treating OCD. CBT is also effective for many anxiety disorders. Learning to manage stress through relaxation techniques can be beneficial.
Medication: In some cases, medication may be prescribed to alleviate symptoms. Antidepressants, particularly selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs), are often used for both OCD and anxiety disorders.
Lifestyle Changes: Adopting a healthy lifestyle, including regular exercise, a balanced diet, and adequate sleep, can help reduce stress and anxiety. Mindfulness and relaxation practices, such as yoga and meditation, can also be valuable tools.
Editors Final Thoughts – My Symptoms, Treatment & Therapy
Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, anxiety disorders, and stress are interconnected conditions that can have a profound impact on an individual’s well-being.
Recognizing the complex relationship between these conditions is crucial for effective treatment and management. With the right therapeutic approaches, support, and lifestyle adjustments, individuals can find relief and improve their overall mental health and quality of life.
If you or someone you know is struggling with these issues, seeking professional help is the first step towards healing and recovery.
As a sufferer of OCD, (germ contamination), I am the first to admit that OCD can be very overwhelming especially when I am under a lot of stress. My way of coping is to disinfect things around me. I have been a sufferer for over thirty years and I do believe OCD is inherited as my mother, grandmother, and uncle all suffered from the disorder. I also block out all negativity in my life to try and protect my mental health from deteriorating. Everyone has different ways of coping with grief, stress, and negativity. I choose to socially disconnect.
I conduct my own self-help therapy as my GP is as useful as a chocolate fireguard. I have reached out to them on multiple occasions and have evidence they put my letter on the system but never bothered to get back to me at all, other than to discuss my medication only once in the last 3 years and then was told the pharmacist read my letter to the GP.
I quarantine certain areas in my home which are a no-go to anyone visiting, although I do not socialize or entertain and the only people that come into the property are either the landlord or the contractors/engineers, which I keep at arm’s length.
My OCD has worsened in the last few years. I have socially disconnected myself from the physical world because not only would my OCD be embarrassing wearing latex gloves out in public but also the fear of being touched or touching something that I could not disinfect. My OCD has worsened because of events that have happened in my life, that I am trying to heal from.
I do have intrusive thoughts and sometimes if I do not do something fast enough I am convinced something bad will happen (also known as magical ocd). I try to override my thoughts by thinking this is just BS, I am stronger than that but sometimes it is hard to think this way which leads me into a dark spate of depression.
Some days I struggle to get through the day, and I tend to procrastinate. I have obligations and know I cannot abandon them, hence forcing myself to carry on, but is difficult when I overthink or worry. My medication works wonders when I need to go to sleep as it stops my mind wandering, I am usually out like a light within 30 minutes. Does it help with my OCD, not really.
When things get so overwhelming I tend to vent on my online journal, which does help to a certain degree because I am able to vent and release my anxieties to the world and know someone out there is reading it.
I am now a recluse entrepreneur. Don’t get me wrong in a medical emergency I would have no option but to leave my home and worry about the consequences of being germ contaminated afterwards. Where I have not been able to disinfect things in the past I have simply thrown things away.
“I can function in my home by adapting my disability around my life”.
I have everything delivered to my door so there is no reason for me to leave my home. In all I have in the last five years left my home twice and both times caused me so much anxiety and distress, I am dreading the next time I have to leave.
I really could do with my own transport so that I could avoid public transport such as taxis, or buses. I have never been comfortable getting on buses and having to be cramped up like sardines sitting next to dirty people. Having my own transport would help with my disability.
I go through about 800 -1000 pairs of latex gloves a month and 6 liters of Dettol disinfectant. It has to be the Dettol brand as I am not confident in my head that any other brand could do a better job.
I do have a category about OCD and have pointed www.ocd.cymru to the 73+ articles and pages. I also have the domain www.germawareness.co.uk which I am in the middle of writing a series of superhero books for kids relating to germs.
I am now anxious about my PIP assessment due on the 11th of this month. I am anxious about the questions, with one in particular which could be a trigger. Even if you have never had thoughts of harming yourself, planting the seed could be dangerous. Has it ever crossed my mind? At my lowest point if I am being totally honest, yes, but I have always tried to reason with myself that these thoughts are BS and I am a stronger person. I have plenty of things to live for even though living is not as ideal as I would want it to be but I carry on. I am anxious, will I be judged?
I have endured grief over 19 times in my life, if I am being totally honest, and have for all intents and purposes tried to block the events/incidents out of my life. If I have made reference to grief in the past and omitted anything, it is because I have forgotten parts of my past, although some are more difficult to erase.
I want to bury my past!
Do I need to be reminded why my OCD has got worse and the measures I have taken to try and heal?
Misanthropy is a term used to describe a general dislike, distrust, or contempt for humankind. It is derived from the Greek words “misos” meaning “hatred” and “Anthropos” meaning “human.” Misanthropes are individuals who harbor strong negative sentiments towards humanity as a whole and may perceive human behavior and actions as inherently selfish, ignorant, or malevolent.
While misanthropy is often associated with a pessimistic view of humanity, it is essential to distinguish it from mere cynicism or skepticism. Misanthropes do not merely question human nature or harbor a healthy skepticism; rather, they harbor a deep-seated disdain for human beings, often seeing them as the root cause of societal problems and suffering. Misanthropy is characterized by a profound disillusionment with human potential and a belief that humanity is fundamentally flawed.
Historical and Philosophical Perspectives:
The roots of misanthropy can be traced back to ancient times. In Greek mythology, figures like Prometheus and Sisyphus were portrayed as misanthropic for their rebellion against the gods and their disdain for mortals. In the realm of philosophy, renowned thinkers such as Arthur Schopenhauer and Friedrich Nietzsche explored misanthropic themes in their works. Schopenhauer believed that human existence was characterized by an insatiable will to live, resulting in perpetual dissatisfaction, while Nietzsche criticized conventional morality and the herd mentality of society.
Causes and Manifestations:
Misanthropy can stem from various factors, including personal experiences, societal disillusionment, or a sense of moral superiority. Traumatic experiences, such as betrayal, abuse, or witnessing acts of cruelty, may contribute to an individual’s misanthropic worldview. Prolonged exposure to societal injustices, conflicts, and the darker aspects of human behavior can also erode faith in humanity and foster misanthropic tendencies.
Misanthropes often exhibit behaviors that reflect their negative views of humanity. They may prefer solitude and isolation, finding solace in their own company rather than engaging with others. Misanthropy can manifest as a withdrawal from social interactions, as misanthropes may find it challenging to relate to or trust others. They may view social norms and conventions with skepticism, perceiving them as superficial or hypocritical.
Misanthropy can be seen as a response to feelings of disappointment, disillusionment, or betrayal. It may provide a defense mechanism to shield oneself from further harm or disappointment by maintaining a distance from others. In some cases, misanthropy may be a symptom of underlying mental health conditions, such as depression, anxiety, or personality disorders.
While misanthropy may appear extreme or concerning, it is crucial to approach individuals with empathy and understanding. Engaging in open dialogue and attempting to uncover the underlying causes of their misanthropy can help create opportunities for personal growth and healing. Encouraging a sense of community and fostering positive experiences can gradually challenge and reshape negative perceptions.
Moreover, misanthropy can be counteracted by highlighting the positive aspects of humanity. By emphasizing acts of kindness, compassion, and altruism, it becomes possible to restore faith in humanity and counterbalance the misanthropic worldview. Recognizing that humans possess both positive and negative qualities and acknowledging the potential for growth and change is vital in addressing misanthropy.
Misanthropy is a complex phenomenon characterized by a deep-rooted aversion toward humanity. It is born out of negative experiences, societal disillusionment, or a belief in the inherent flaws of human nature. While misanthropy may pose challenges for individuals and society, fostering empathy, promoting positive experiences, and highlighting the potential for growth and change can help address and overcome misanthropic
What Are The Statistics on Misanthropy
Misanthropy is often an individual’s personal perspective of humankind, making it difficult to quantify on a large scale. Additionally, misanthropy can manifest in varying degrees and may not always be openly expressed.
That said, some studies and surveys have attempted to explore related attitudes and perspectives. For example, surveys on trust in institutions or levels of social trust can indirectly provide insights into societal attitudes toward humanity. Various studies have examined societal trust in different countries, highlighting variations in levels of trust among populations.
It’s worth noting that misanthropy is not a widely studied phenomenon compared to other psychological or sociological topics. Therefore, comprehensive and up-to-date statistical data specifically focused on misanthropy may be limited. The subjective nature of misanthropy makes it challenging to measure and quantify accurately.
Ultimately, misanthropy is a complex and individualistic perspective, and understanding its prevalence would require more extensive research and analysis, possibly through surveys, interviews, or psychological assessments designed to explore such attitudes and sentiments. The other challenging problem is getting people to admit they dislike others. Being truthful is the ultimate goal but people may not be so forthcoming with their own thoughts and beliefs, which would not make the data accurate.
What if a patient feels they have misanthropy
If a patient feels they have misanthropy, it can be an important issue to address in therapy or counseling sessions. Here are a few considerations for both the patient and the mental health professional:
Create a safe and non-judgmental space: It’s essential for the patient to feel comfortable expressing their feelings and concerns without fear of judgment. The therapist should establish a safe and accepting environment where the patient feels heard and understood.
Explore underlying causes and experiences: Understanding the origins of the patient’s misanthropy can be helpful in developing insights and identifying potential triggers. Encourage the patient to share their experiences, including any past traumas, disappointments, or negative interactions that may have contributed to their negative view of humanity.
Validate and normalize emotions: It’s crucial to validate the patient’s emotions and let them know that their feelings are understood. Even if misanthropy may seem extreme, it’s important to acknowledge that it can be a response to negative experiences or a way of coping with disappointment or betrayal.
Encourage self-reflection and perspective-taking: Engaging the patient in self-reflection can help them gain a deeper understanding of their misanthropic beliefs and their impact on their own well-being and relationships. Encourage them to consider alternative perspectives and challenge their negative assumptions about humanity.
Explore coping strategies and alternative beliefs: Work collaboratively with the patient to identify healthier coping strategies for dealing with negative emotions and disappointments. Introduce them to positive experiences and examples of kindness and empathy that can help counterbalance their negative worldview.
Consider underlying mental health conditions: Misanthropy can sometimes be a symptom or expression of underlying mental health conditions, such as depression, anxiety, or personality disorders. If necessary, a mental health professional may evaluate the patient for any co-occurring conditions and develop an appropriate treatment plan.
Engage in social activities and community involvement: Encourage the patient to participate in social activities or community initiatives that promote positive interactions and reinforce the potential for human connection and kindness. This can help challenge their misanthropic beliefs and provide them with opportunities to experience positive interactions.
It’s important to note that addressing misanthropy may require time, patience, and ongoing therapeutic support. Each individual’s journey will be unique, and the therapeutic process should be tailored to their specific needs and circumstances.
As the editor of this site and how I publically write about my health. I can safely say I have an element of misanthropy because I have socially distanced myself from the outside world, other than couriers, delivery drivers, and home contractors, but if I had a choice and there was a way of not interacting I would most defiantly be keen to explore this option. I personally cannot wait when robots and AI to take over the world albeit it may not be in my lifetime, but as technology progresses fast, I should not say “Never say never”.
I am happiest in front of my computer and do not have to deal with people. I have my phone on do not disturb and only interact via email or chat.
In fact, I have only stepped out of my home, twice under duress in the last five years. Don’t get me wrong if there was a medical emergency I would have no option but to leave my safe place and worry about the consequences afterward, but as it stands I have everything under control and working for me just fine having my groceries delivered and keeping workmen at a safe distance…The only part that has failed me is my own GP where I have reached out twice in the last 2.5 years and have not responded. There is a reason why I do not take incoming calls.
I would not go as far as saying I despise all humans because not everyone has done me wrong. I just have no trust for mankind whoever they may be and as the bible say you should not hold grudges but forgive the ones that have done you wrong. Therefore I forgive the likes of my landlord and his cahoots assistant who has put my rent up by £210 per month but that does say I have to like them. They have crossed the line with me.
From The Bible
“Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven.
Peter replied, “Repent and be baptized, every one of you, in the name of Jesus Christ for the forgiveness of your sins. And you will receive the gift of the Holy Spirit.
We should bless those who persecute us bless and not curse them. We are to pray for them and ask God to bless them because they need His mercy just as much as we do.
When you pray for those who hurt you or mistreat you, God will give you the grace to forgive them, and in so doing, he will heap burning coals of fire upon their heads (Proverbs 25:22).
Romans 12:19 says that revenge belongs to God and He will repay those who hurt us when the time is right and it’s not for us to seek revenge on people who have hurt us in one way or the other.
Can being patronizing and condescending affect mental health?
Patronizing and condescending behavior can have a significant impact on an individual’s mental health. These behaviors can cause feelings of frustration, anger, and low self-esteem, which can lead to more severe mental health issues over time.
When an individual feels patronized or condescended to by others, they may experience feelings of worthlessness, shame, and inadequacy. These feelings can lead to a negative self-image, causing a decline in self-esteem, and, in severe cases, depression and anxiety.
Being patronized and talked down can also lead to feelings of powerlessness and helplessness. This can cause a person to feel as though they have no control over their situation, leading to an increased likelihood of developing depression or anxiety.
Condescending behavior can also impact one’s relationships. When a person is repeatedly patronized or talked down to, they may begin to avoid certain people or situations to avoid these interactions. This can lead to social isolation and, over time, impact one’s mental health negatively.
Furthermore, constant condescending behavior can lead to a negative outlook on life. A person who is repeatedly told they are not good enough or smart enough may begin to believe these statements, leading to a lack of motivation and self-doubt.
In some cases, patronizing and condescending behavior can also lead to post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). This is particularly true when the behavior is chronic and occurs over an extended period. People who experience constant patronization and condescension may become hyper-vigilant or feel threatened even in innocuous situations, leading to symptoms associated with PTSD.
Patronizing and Condescending behavior can have a significant impact on an individual’s mental health. It can lead to feelings of worthlessness, low self-esteem, anxiety, depression, social isolation, and even post-traumatic stress disorder. Therefore, it is essential to recognize these behaviors and take steps to address them to maintain good mental health. If you are experiencing patronizing or condescending behavior, it is vital to seek support from loved ones or a mental health professional to help you deal with the situation effectively.
What is the definition of patronization?
Patronization is a term that refers to the act of treating someone in a condescending or superior manner, often with the intention of demonstrating one’s own perceived superiority or authority over them. It can manifest in a variety of ways, from the use of patronizing language to making decisions for someone without their input or consent.
The act of patronizing someone can be damaging, as it can convey a message of disrespect and undermine the person’s sense of autonomy and self-worth. When someone is patronized, they may feel belittled, dismissed, or disrespected, which can lead to feelings of frustration, anger, and resentment.
One of the most common forms of patronization is the use of language. For example, speaking to someone in a baby voice, using pet names, or excessively using simplifications or clarifications, can all be forms of patronization. This type of language suggests that the person being spoken to is not intelligent or capable enough to understand complex ideas, which can be insulting and offensive.
Another common form of patronization is when someone makes decisions for another person without their input or consent. This can happen in personal or professional contexts, such as when a boss makes decisions for an employee without considering their opinion, or when a family member assumes they know what is best for someone else without taking their wishes into account. This type of behavior can be particularly damaging as it can take away a person’s agency and leave them feeling powerless.
Patronization can also be unintentional, and some people may not even realize they are doing it. For example, someone may offer unsolicited advice or try to help in a situation where their assistance is not needed, with the intention of being helpful, but the person on the receiving end may still feel patronized.
To avoid patronizing others, it is important to be aware of one’s own language and actions. This means speaking to others in a respectful and considerate manner, listening to their opinions and preferences, and avoiding making decisions for them without their input or consent. It is also important to recognize the inherent value and worth of each person, regardless of their background or level of experience.
A patronization is a form of behavior that can be harmful to individuals and can lead to feelings of frustration, anger, and resentment. To avoid patronizing others, it is important to be aware of one’s own language and actions and to treat others with respect and consideration. By doing so, we can create a more supportive and inclusive environment where everyone feels valued and respected.
What is the definition of condescending?
Condescending is a term used to describe a person’s behavior or tone when they speak down to others or display a sense of superiority or disdain. It is a negative trait that can make people feel belittled, demeaned, or devalued.
A condescending person may use language that is patronizing or dismissive, or they may act as if they know more than others and are not interested in hearing other people’s ideas or opinions. This behavior is often rooted in a belief that they are smarter, more knowledgeable, or more important than others.
For example, a condescending person may speak slowly and use simple words when talking to someone they perceive as less intelligent or less educated than themselves. They may also interrupt or talk over others, dismiss their ideas, or ignore their contributions to a conversation.
Condescending behavior can occur in a variety of settings, including the workplace, social situations, and personal relationships. It can be exhibited by people of any age, gender, or cultural background.
In the workplace, condescending behavior can be particularly damaging to morale and productivity. Employees who feel belittled or undervalued may become disengaged and less motivated to contribute to the team’s goals. It can also lead to increased tension and conflict among colleagues.
In personal relationships, condescending behavior can be a sign of a power imbalance or a lack of respect. It can damage the trust and intimacy between partners, friends, or family members and make it difficult to maintain healthy relationships.
To avoid being condescending, it is important to recognize and respect the opinions and contributions of others, even if they differ from your own. It is also important to communicate in a clear and respectful manner, without talking down to others or using language that is patronizing or dismissive.
Condescending behavior is a negative trait that can damage relationships and undermine productivity. By recognizing and avoiding condescending behavior, we can build more positive and respectful interactions with others.
Is showing pity deemed as condescending
Showing pity can be deemed as condescending if it is done in a way that makes the person receiving the pity feel inferior or powerless. Pity is often associated with a sense of superiority or a belief that the person being pitied is unable to cope with their situation. This can be insulting and demeaning to the person on the receiving end of the pity.
However, showing empathy or compassion towards someone who is going through a difficult time can be helpful and supportive. The key is to approach the situation with genuine concern and respect for the other person’s feelings and dignity, rather than from a position of superiority or judgment. By demonstrating kindness and understanding, you can create a more positive and uplifting environment for everyone involved.
List of patronizing and condescending comments
“Oh, bless your heart, you’re trying your best.”
“That’s adorable, you almost got it right.”
“Don’t worry, sweetie, it’s a bit too complicated for you.”
“Let me explain this to you in simple terms.”
“You’re so cute when you’re clueless.”
“I’ll handle this, you wouldn’t understand.”
“You should be proud of yourself for trying, even if you failed.”
“I’ll give you a gold star for effort.”
“You’re doing a great job, for someone with your limited abilities.”
“Let me do this for you, it’s too hard for you to figure out.”
Today I phoned the local council office about my rent increase to clarify if, on the Government website, there is a rent cap, but no one seems to be able to give me a definitive answer. My landlord is increasing my rent by £210 per month and from what I can see on the Gov website the most he can charge is £165.00
The agent I spoke to said: “Oh Bless” when I explained about my disabilities. If it was anyone else I would have given them a piece of my mind but because you have to watch what you say with these people, I bit my tongue. After the call had ended I felt so upset because I was perceived to be inferior and pitied. I felt worthless and tried to erase the words from my head so that I did not spiral down the rabbit hole. Just because I have a disability does not make me less human.
People need to watch what they say to other people. I found the agent I spoke to today to be condescending and I still feel like crying even now.
I am fortunate I can vent my frustrations out on this platform as a self-help therapy tool. I know that even if I do not have anyone to talk to about my health, I know someone will read this and relate.
I am not advertising anyone else other than my business today, as I have to make it my number one priority, to protect my mental health and keep the wolves away from the door.
My marketing agency offers several services including content writing, digital marketing, and SEO.
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Caffeine is a commonly consumed psychoactive substance found in coffee, tea, chocolate, energy drinks, and various other foods and beverages. It is a central nervous system stimulant that can help people stay alert, focused, and productive. However, excessive caffeine consumption can lead to dependence and addiction, which can have negative effects on physical and mental health.
Caffeine addiction is a real phenomenon, with withdrawal symptoms that can include headaches, fatigue, irritability, and difficulty concentrating. These symptoms can be mild or severe, depending on the individual’s level of caffeine consumption and the duration of their addiction.
One of the reasons caffeine addiction is so common is that caffeine is found in so many products and is widely available. It is estimated that 90% of people worldwide consume caffeine daily, with coffee being the most popular source. Some people may not even realize they are addicted to caffeine until they try to stop using it and experience withdrawal symptoms.
The addictive properties of caffeine are due to its effects on the brain. When caffeine is consumed, it blocks the action of a neurotransmitter called adenosine, which promotes sleep and relaxation. This leads to an increase in the release of dopamine, a neurotransmitter associated with pleasure and reward. Over time, the brain may become dependent on caffeine to maintain normal levels of dopamine and other neurotransmitters, leading to addiction.
While moderate caffeine consumption is generally considered safe for most adults, excessive caffeine intake can lead to a range of negative health effects. These can include increased heart rate, high blood pressure, anxiety, insomnia, and digestive problems. In some cases, caffeine consumption may also exacerbate existing health conditions or interact with medications.
If you suspect that you may be addicted to caffeine, there are steps you can take to reduce your consumption and manage your symptoms. Gradually reducing your caffeine intake over time can help to minimize withdrawal symptoms. Other strategies, such as getting enough sleep, staying hydrated, and engaging in regular exercise, can also help to boost energy levels and improve overall well-being.
In conclusion, caffeine addiction is a real and potentially problematic issue for many people. While moderate caffeine consumption is generally considered safe, excessive caffeine intake can lead to dependence, withdrawal symptoms, and negative health effects. If you are concerned about your caffeine intake, speak with a healthcare provider or a mental health professional for guidance and support.
The Symptoms of Caffeine Addiction
Caffeine is a stimulant that is consumed by people all over the world. It is found in coffee, tea, chocolate, and many other products. While it is generally safe in moderate amounts, caffeine addiction can occur in some people who consume too much of it. In this article, we will discuss the symptoms of caffeine addiction and what you can do to manage it.
Withdrawal symptoms: One of the most common signs of caffeine addiction is experiencing withdrawal symptoms when you stop consuming it. These can include headaches, irritability, fatigue, difficulty concentrating, and even flu-like symptoms.
Increased tolerance: As you consume more caffeine, your body can develop a tolerance to it, which means you will need to consume more to achieve the same effects. This can lead to a cycle of dependence and increased consumption.
Difficulty sleeping: Caffeine can interfere with your sleep, making it harder to fall asleep and stay asleep. This can lead to insomnia and other sleep-related problems.
Anxiety and jitteriness: Caffeine is a stimulant that can increase feelings of anxiety and make you feel jittery or on edge. This can lead to increased stress and difficulty managing emotions.
Digestive problems: Caffeine can also cause digestive problems, such as acid reflux, heartburn, and stomach ulcers. These can be painful and uncomfortable and may require medical treatment.
Increased heart rate: Caffeine can cause your heart rate to increase, which can be dangerous for people with underlying heart conditions. It can also lead to palpitations and other heart-related problems.
Difficulty quitting: If you have tried to quit or reduce your caffeine intake and found it difficult, this could be a sign of addiction. Many people find that they experience strong cravings and find it hard to quit despite knowing the negative effects.
If you are experiencing any of these symptoms, it is important to take steps to manage your caffeine intake. Some strategies that can be helpful include gradually reducing your caffeine consumption, switching to decaf or herbal teas, and avoiding caffeine late in the day. You can also talk to your doctor or a mental health professional for additional support and guidance.
Caffeine addiction can have a range of negative effects on your health and well-being. By being aware of the symptoms and taking steps to manage your consumption, you can reduce the impact of caffeine on your life and improve your overall health.
Notes By The Editor – Caffeine also makes a person urinate more frequently, I for one drink 2 x 500ml energy drinks a day on average, and need to go to the bathroom every 1.5 -2 hours. I need energy drinks to wake me up in the morning after taking Mirtazapine just before I go to sleep. The drug helps me fall asleep but does nothing for my OCD and makes me very sluggish when I wake. I have tried to drink coffee especially when I have run out of energy drinks and basically, I would need 4 espresso shots to touch my sides for it to make a difference.
Where I used to be a coffee addict I can safely say I am now an energy drink caffeine addict.
I think I would need to stop my medication, to then wean myself off the energy drinks. However, at the moment my hectic life is a vicious cycle and something needs to change for me to see an improvement in my health.
In today’s fast-paced world, communication has become more comfortable than ever. With the advent of technology, people can connect with each other from different parts of the world through various channels such as messaging, emails, social media, and phone calls. One of the most common forms of communication is a phone call, but sometimes, even a missed call can lead to anxiety. In this article, we will discuss how a missed call can give you anxiety.
Firstly, a missed call from a loved one can cause anxiety because it might signify an emergency. When you see a missed call from your parents, spouse, or children, you automatically assume that something is wrong. The feeling of uncertainty and not knowing what the call was about can make you anxious. Your mind starts to wander and imagine all sorts of worst-case scenarios, which can be stressful.
Secondly, a missed call from a potential employer can cause anxiety because you might miss an opportunity. When you are actively looking for a job, and you miss a call from a hiring manager or recruiter, it can be frustrating. You may worry that you missed your chance to impress them, and they will move on to another candidate. This fear of missing out can cause anxiety and stress.
Thirdly it is unprofessional to not leave a voicemail and expect the recipient to mind read. Not leaving the message will cause a person to get worried and anxious especially if they call back and the call goes into the answering machine.
There are consequences to people’s actions.
Some people may be anxious about the missed call itself. They may worry that they will never find out who called them or why, or that the call was important but they missed it. This fear can be particularly acute for people who have a fear of missing out (FOMO) or who have a tendency to overthink and ruminate.
If you experience anxiety due to missed calls, there are several things you can do to manage your anxiety. Firstly, try to identify the root cause of your anxiety. Are you worried about missing important calls, or are you anxious about the person who missed the call? Once you understand the source of your anxiety, you can take steps to address it.
For example, if you are worried about missing important calls, you can set up call forwarding or voicemail to ensure that you don’t miss any important messages. If you are anxious about the person who missed the call, you can reach out to them and check in to see how they are doing. If you are anxious about the missed call itself, you can try to reframe your thinking and remind yourself that most missed calls are not emergencies and can be returned at a later time.
In addition to these practical steps, there are also several self-care techniques that can help you manage your anxiety. These include exercise, deep breathing, meditation, and mindfulness. By taking care of your physical and mental health, you can reduce your overall levels of anxiety and stress.
A missed call can trigger anxiety for a variety of reasons. If you experience anxiety due to missed calls, it’s important to identify the root cause of your anxiety and take steps to address it. By setting up call forwarding or voicemail, reaching out to the person who missed the call, and practicing self-care techniques, you can manage your anxiety and reduce your stress levels. Remember, most missed calls are not emergencies, and can be returned at a later time.
How anxiety can affect a person’s life
Anxiety is a natural human emotion that we all experience at some point in our lives. It is a feeling of worry, fear, or apprehension about what may happen in the future. While it is normal to feel anxious in certain situations, excessive and ongoing anxiety can be debilitating and can negatively affect a person’s life in many ways.
Anxiety can affect a person’s physical health. When we feel anxious, our bodies go into “fight or flight” mode, releasing stress hormones like adrenaline and cortisol. These hormones can cause physical symptoms such as rapid heartbeat, sweating, and shaking. Over time, chronic anxiety can lead to other health problems such as high blood pressure, heart disease, and a weakened immune system.
Anxiety can also impact a person’s mental health. It can cause feelings of dread, panic, and constant worry. These feelings can lead to insomnia, difficulty concentrating and decreased productivity. Anxiety can also cause a person to become socially isolated, as they may avoid situations or people that trigger their anxiety.
Anxiety can also affect a person’s relationships. It can cause a person to become irritable, short-tempered, and withdrawn, which can strain relationships with friends, family, and romantic partners. Anxiety can also make it difficult for a person to form new relationships, as they may feel too anxious or insecure to initiate contact.
In addition to affecting physical health, mental health, and relationships, anxiety can also impact a person’s career. Anxiety can cause a person to miss work, have difficulty completing tasks, and miss out on opportunities for advancement. It can also make it difficult to maintain positive working relationships with colleagues.
Furthermore, anxiety can also affect a person’s financial well-being. If anxiety is severe enough to cause missed work, it can lead to a loss of income. Additionally, anxiety can lead to increased healthcare costs as a person seeks treatment for their symptoms.
Overall, anxiety can have a significant impact on a person’s life, affecting their physical health, mental health, relationships, career, and finances. While it is important to seek treatment if anxiety is interfering with daily life, there are also steps a person can take to manage their symptoms, such as practicing relaxation techniques, exercising regularly, and seeking support from loved ones. By taking these steps, a person can reduce the impact that anxiety has on their life and regain a sense of control.
The domino effect of people’s actions regarding mental health
Mental health is a crucial aspect of our overall well-being. It affects how we feel, think, and behave, and it can have a significant impact on our quality of life. Unfortunately, mental health issues are widespread, and many people struggle with them in silence.
While mental health is a personal issue, it’s important to remember that our actions can have a domino effect on others. For instance, when we take care of our mental health, we inspire others to do the same. When we stigmatize mental health issues or downplay their significance, we create a ripple effect that can harm people around us.
The domino effect of our actions regarding mental health can manifest in many ways. Here are a few examples:
Stigma and Shame
One of the most common ways our actions can affect mental health is through stigma and shame. When we stigmatize mental health issues, we create an environment where people feel ashamed to seek help. This can lead to a domino effect where people suffer in silence, and their mental health deteriorates over time.
To combat this, we must work to create a culture that is accepting and understanding of mental health issues. This means promoting open dialogue and education about mental health, challenging negative stereotypes, and encouraging people to seek help when they need it.
Support and Understanding
On the other hand, when we offer support and understanding to those struggling with mental health issues, we create a domino effect of positivity. When someone feels supported and heard, they are more likely to seek help and take steps to improve their mental health. This, in turn, can inspire others to do the same, creating a positive ripple effect.
Self-care and Personal Responsibility
Our actions also have a domino effect on our own mental health. When we prioritize self-care and take responsibility for our mental well-being, we inspire others to do the same. This can create a domino effect of positive habits and behaviors that benefit everyone.
For instance, when we prioritize self-care by getting enough sleep, eating well, and exercising regularly, we are better equipped to manage stress and cope with challenging situations. This, in turn, can inspire others to prioritize their own self-care and improve their mental health.
Our actions have a significant impact on mental health, both on our own and on those around us.
By being selfish and not taking into account people’s mental health, not leaving voicemails says a lot about the person. It shows unprofessionalism if the entity phoning is part of a business and it shows that the caller does not care about the consequences of their actions.
The domino effect of selfishness can cause the recipient a catalyst of disorders, such as stress, anxiety, emotional distress, fear, depression, insomnia, and depression.
This actually happened to me today and when I phoned back my call went to voice mail where I did leave a message. I will try and contact the entity again if they do not email me and will give them a link to this post via SMS to teach them that not leaving a message has caused unnecessary stress and anxiety, which all adds up to my healing process. Putting spanners in the works only causes setbacks. I am now worried about what this person wanted from me. I hope the universe pays her back as the caller was a (she), because now I will be up all night worrying.
Apologizing is a lame excuse, the damage has been doneand there is nothing anyone can do to undo their thoughtlessness. Saying sorry, are just words, they do not mean anything, and they will not bring food to the table if the recipient becomes unwell because of a person’s selfish act.
It’s up to us to take responsibility for our actions and create a culture that prioritizes mental health and well-being and not be selfish.
Should there be a law for male contractors entering female properties alone?
Vulnerable women, living alone should be protected from male contractors visiting solo.
There should be a law for protecting women in their own homes. Women should feel safe when a male visits to do maintenance or inspections.
Should the male contractor do or say anything out of turn the woman would have no witnesses unless she had CCTV. Not everyone can afford surveillance equipment.
I am always apprehensive of male contractors coming into my home. Some I have known for years but that does not mean anything, anyone can lose the plot and do things they are not supposed to say or do.
As a survivor of domestic violence, I get very anxious when anyone visits especially men. I find it hard to stay calm and always feel on edge.
A Law To Protect Women In Their Homes
There should be a law where a female should be present with the accompanying male contractor (just like a female nurse accompanying a male doctor, if say for whatever reason the resident was unable to have someone as a witness when the contractor visits). This not only protects the resident but also the trader as well of false accusations.
I am not looking forward to my next annual gas check in April/May time, not my Electricity checks, especially my smoke alarms that do not have to be checked by an actual electrician.
Usually, laws are passed after something happens, I for one would like a law before anything does.
I should just cross each bridge as I come to it, and not worry myself silly. From my previous engagement with the gas engineer, he clearly broke the law, what’s to say he does not break it again? I always try to have someone present but when my daughter attends university it sometimes can become a problem.
Article Written and Published 9th December 2022 19.45 pm
This is a health update on how I am feeling today. It started off with Evri supposedly delivering two expensive parcels to my property with a photo of what looked like the side of a package and the pavement.
When I received the email I immediately went downstairs because I live in a First Floor Flat only to find nothing in the communal area, so my initial thought was to buzz my neighbor to see if they heard the buzzer go (seeing as I am partially deaf) and the woman said she did not hear anything. I then went outside and could not see anything.
So now I am starting to panic, I could feel my heart pumping faster and I started to shake.
Although this post is not entirely a medical guide I will still include a few links should you need to research further.
The symptoms I had were:
Shortness of breath or hyperventilating
Feeling ill and lightheaded
Feeling out of control or like you’re about to die (a distinctive sign of a panic attack!)
Tingling sensation in your fingers or lips
Shaking and sweating
Feeling out of control
Fear, Anxiety & Panic Attacks
I continued the small talk and asked if they had sorted the problem with British Gas chasing them for £2K even though they have only lived in the property for two months if that. Now, this is the bit that started alarm bells ringing because I am in communication with British Gas who have said my address has been reverted back to Ground Floor on the 8th of November 2022 where the debt is (which has nothing to do with me). I was even told by British Gas that my meter was associated with the building rather than the flat according to the national database. I have not had any problems for 23 years and all of a sudden I am.
I am feeling very anxious over a lot of things right now. My brother and his wife and son are coming to the UK for Christmas and although it would be nice to see them, I am anxious because I do not know how well I can cope with my OCD. Furthermore, they expect me to travel which is a journey of 3 hours and I need to go to the loo every hour. Public toilets are out of the question. I can cope with my disability at home but doing what I do is humiliating and embarrassing when it’s done in front of other people that do not understand.
I feel anxious just in case they make a diversion and want to come to my home, I have anxiety issues when workmen and contractors come in let alone anyone else. If I had more money I would make the place look more liveable but as it stands it’s I place I work and lay my head to sleep.
Although I have agreed to meet with my brother, he does not realize the ordeal I have to go through to get from A to B, It is stressing me because he is not taking my disability seriously. I am already leaving my comfort zone and am testing my OCD thresh-hold. My daughter said if I do this now I won’t have to go through this again for a while. So fingers crossed on how well I cope with my disorder.
So going back to my missing parcels they were wedged between the pavement and the bin where anyone passing by could have swiped. Nice one Evri part of the Hermes group shower of company.
I feel very on edge and feel very tearful. My tolerance levels are nil. I have no patience and am very irritable. Put it this way I found one last valium that I saved in case of emergencies which was prescribed donkey years ago. I still feel my heart racing and the valium pill did jack sh#t 💩 to calm me down.
A few hours have now passed since the fiasco with the courier this afternoon and writing how I feel down has actually helped to a certain extent.
It’s easy to say don’t worry, or things will be ok, but unless you are walking in my shoes it’s hypocritical for someone to judge.
“I will continue carrying on, one step at a time, until one day the universe manifests my desires”.
I believe one day I will have everything I dreamed of. I believe nothing stays in the same place forever. I continue to keep myself busy, to stop myself from thinking about my past. I have set myself goals that I will strive to achieve and from this, I will be able to eradicate my memories. I will be able to help others to also put their past behind them and learn to overcome their fears. Everyone has down days even the richest people on the planet and everyone has a story to tell. The trick is learning to love, respect yourself and learn to forgive. My therapy is called “writing”, this can be a letter, a diary, a blog, or a book.
Writing releases the tension and puts it out to the universe, it is up to God to punish the perpetrators that have hurt you, whilst allowing you to rebuild your life.
“I carry a battlefield of wounds and from my own personal experiences will tell my story”.
My Book Is Coming Out In 2023
“Like a Pheonix, From the ashes, I will rise and God help anyone that stands in my way. I am a survivor warrior and am iRenata”.
I have decided to record my health in one post rather than several posts. Although I do have a personal brand (www.irenata.com), I tend to write business reviews and vent about different things, rather than anything relating to health. Saying that I have recently introduced a health section in my business journal to help support business owners (Cymru Marketing Journal – CMJUK.com).
I try to keep my health issues separate. I am not embarrassed to say I have health problems but people are too quick to judge like the gas engineer who came to my property appointed by my landlord for many years became personal and made a derogatory comment, which I have logged as evidence. Or the EPC engineer who took one look at the property and assumed I was not successful because of the state of my flat is in. My jewelry is worth more than the price of the flat just saying, never mind the digital assets that I own.
I do not have many changes in my health from month to month. However, I have become more isolated as interacting with some people does my head in quite literally, as an example, I wrote to a credit card company no less than 40 emails to resolve one issue, and my hosting provider cannot read my concerns even though I have shown them evidence multiple times, never mind British Gas where I had to resort to many blog posts to show evidence of my calls and how it caused me emotional distress.
I have now put my phone on silent calls and on do not disturb so only people in my favorite lists can contact me directly and people who are not in my contact list get sent to voicemail which is turned off. The reason for this I am getting a lot of spoofing and scam calls. I want to control who I interact with.
Reminders of the trauma and grief I endured
My Personal Belonging Being Touched
Being Touched (Hugs)
Dog Poo (cat poo or bird poo is not so bad, it is dog poo that is a trigger for me)
Animal Hair (especially dog hair)
Shaking Hands (how many people actually wash their hands when they go to the toilet)
Sharing Plates of Food
Public Places that are not sanitized
Half-finished projects or errors that need correcting (I cannot leave an error for another day I have to correct it there and then)
Cognitive Impairment (Jumbling Up Words Or Totally Missing Words Out Of Sentences
Loss of Balance
Pain in my Knee and Back
Experience Light Headiness
Lack of Concentration
Although I should not complain that I saw my family, the stress it caused sent my OCD through the roof. I had to disinfect everything I took with me as I stayed overnight. The thought of sleeping in a bed that was not sanitized made my skin crawl and the public humiliation I could have endured had I bumped into my ex on Christmas day did not bear thinking about.
I believe I was a court jester as I could not fathom the reasoning for taking me from my home hundreds of miles away having to leave my comfort zone and causing my OCD to escalate.
People do not understand that if I cannot disinfect something I will throw it away and I have thrown expensive items such as handbags out.
Visiting my parents’ graves was also a reminder of the reality they are dead and the intrusive thoughts that followed. Going to a place that upsets you knowing your parents are not there and only skeletons lie beneath your feet is to me prolonging grief.
I have let go of my brother and parents’ passing, I know they are energy surrounding us. I believe we are all connected in some way spiritually and someday we will be reunited. I am disconnecting myself from reality. I am drawn to the internet and AI. I would love to travel the world but if I could do it with Metaverse, I would not have to leave my home.
I have no energy, I feel lethargic, and am frustrated that I have to pee every 1 to 1.5 hours. (Caffeine Addiction).
I have noticed I keep losing my balance more frequently and do not have a good grip when holding things.
I have also noticed I am missing big chunks of sentences when I am writing. Thank God for Grammarly and AI is all I can say.
I am also frustrated that no matter do I am only seeing a gradual change. I have asked the universe to help me, and hopefully, it will answer my prayers. Hopefully, the universe can unlock whatever is blocking it.
Some days I just do not want to do anything even though I have obligations and if I do not do anything I cannot put food on the table, so to speak.
I have also noticed I have what I believe is ‘carpal tunnel syndrome’. According to the NHS website, I should get advice from my local pharmacy which is a joke as I have been on the phone for an hour and no one is picking up, The message just goes into a loop ringing for ages after being transferred to the general inquiries.
Imagine if I was an elderly person or someone vulnerable, I have just left the phone ring, Good job I am not taking incoming calls and how it would affect my business if my line was engaged, I would lose business. These corporate companies do not care about people.
The saga continues with my website hosting provider. I have reached out multiple times over the same issue and it seems they cannot read or basically, I am dealing with stupid people.
March 15th, 2023
I feel overwhelmed and feel I have burnout syndrome. I just want to bury my head in the sand and let life pass me by.
Hopefully, my life will improve for the better so that I can start living a happier and healthier life. I can visualize my life vividly and I know I will get there but I need to practice being patient.
March 26th 2023
Today simply by bending down to put some rubbish into a black bag I am experiencing excruciating pain in the back of my neck shooting down to the base of my spine. As I sit down to update this post the pain is not going away. It is starting to give me a headache.
March 31st 2023
Yesterday I had a massive blow to my system with my landlord increasing my rent by £210 I have not got that sort of money and want the Universe/God/Higher Power to help me. It is not through lack of trying that I cannot get any more business and I am armed with enough evidence that he will have to lower the price.
I feel physically sick and my head was thumping last night. I wrote this entry at 01.14 a.m. in the hope of carrying my post which for some reason the search engines were refusing to index. I wrote to Google and sent them the article. Maybe someone from Google can help me. I am going to try and get some sleep.
Surprisingly I got up not too late and managed to do a full day’s work. Mostly update my sites, add pages, and do some SEO.
I even added five pages on this site as I got wind that a competitor of mine who was a recruiter before Covid-19 became a digital marketer after the pandemic and now wants to support Entrepreneurs, Founders, and CEOs with Mental Health.
He is planning on doing a website I suspect something like mine because I invited him to share his story and now he is inviting people to share their stories with him, seems a bit of a coincidence.
I do not make any money from this site other than my content writing for other publications in the health sector. Other than that it is 100% funded by me. I support and help people with mental health as men generally will open up more to men than share their stories with women. I guess it is a guy thing unless they are transgender of course. I am happy to chat with anyone and will eventually implement my version of AI (www.renataai.com) to help support people feeling depressed and lonely of any gender.
I contacted Rent Smart Wales which is a government website and they are only open between 9 am and 12 pm Monday -Friday. I sent them an online message and hopefully, they will respond.
I am thinking £210 is just some numbers someone has magically created and I have to dissociate myself from these numbers, they are not what is supposed to define you. It is your knowledge, creativity, and leadership that is worth more than some digits in a computer. What you do for people will far outweigh what you try to take away.
Hopefully, by the time June comes I will get more work. I get tonnes of inquiries every day with people asking me to give them work. Firstly I do not outsource my work and secondly, I am at the top of the food chain in terms of securing work for myself without having to find work for other people.
I am now done for the day and will use the weekend to re-energize my batteries.
4th April 2023
I have a splitting headache and feel my head is going to explode. Virgin Media has been at it again with the loss of broadband practically all day. I have managed to finish one article which I aim to share with LinkedIn, but my plan to do outbound marketing has gone to pot. I just want to bury my head in the sand and let the world pass me by, but I know I am not a quitter so will take some time out to recharge my batteries and focus on positive thinking.
I am in a very dark place at the moment, and I feel like life has beaten me down. I am trying to stay optimistic, even though I have snakes all around me. Even yesterday I had a condescending person try to belittle me and people wonder why I keep my distance.
26th April 2023
I am seriously not in a good place right now.
My landlord put my rent up by £210 per month starting 1st June 2023. Where the hell am I supposed to get the money from, do people not care?
The local council office -was condescending by saying “Oh Bless” when I explained I have disabilities and was not being offered any help other than a discretionary payment handout which I declined to accept. That is like putting a band-aid (plaster) on a gaping wound.
My bank last week (Cashplus Bank) all last week had a problem with card payment verification. I rang every day and they said they were working on it, causing me to be more and more stressed.
Today Cashplus again has problems with payments going astray and my PIP not being credited to my account.
I feel physically sick today and started getting an electric shooting sensation across my chest. I was on the verge of crying but thankfully I have been able to vent my anger out here.
The next person that says to me “Oh Bless”, “Don’t Worry” or “Sorry”, I am going to scream. These words are condescending. The problem is that if one tries to defend themselves, there may be repercussions and one may get penalized for speaking up. We live in a controlled society where organizations tell us to jump and we have to ask “How high”.
“It says in the bible if I forgive the people that have done me wrong, then God will forgive me and punish them“
From The Bible
“Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven.
Peter replied, “Repent and be baptized, every one of you, in the name of Jesus Christ for the forgiveness of your sins. And you will receive the gift of the Holy Spirit.
We should bless those who persecute us bless and not curse them. We are to pray for them and ask God to bless them because they need His mercy just as much as we do.
When you pray for those who hurt you or mistreat you, God will give you the grace to forgive them, and in so doing, you will heap burning coals of fire upon their heads (Proverbs 25:22).
Says that revenge belongs to God and He will repay those who hurt us when the time is right and it’s not for us to seek revenge on people who have hurt us in one way or the other.
I think I need to practice letting go and letting God deal with these people. Sometimes I feel like ripping people’s heads off but if I step back calmly I know that my anger is holding me back. Instead, I should practice self-care, remove negativity in my life, and simply put the past behind me. What happened to me in my past happened in another life, I have to quickly overcome my obstacles and simply move on.
Regarding Postal Mail
Something that I think I should mention to PIP next time I talk to them is that they give each claimant a security passcode similar to the government gateway so that you do not give your personal details to every Tom, Dick, and Harry that could secretly write them down.I think is a security issue. (I am not comfortable giving my personal details out to anyone, roll on AI).
Furthermore, why send out letters in the post? Why not go digital which could save millions and could be reinvested into the NHS (Local Council, PIP, DWP)?
I finally got paid not so long ago regarding my PIP payment but it took two calls to PIP and two calls to my Bank to get it sorted.
No one cares about your mental health and how something like this can affect a person sorting out Bank issues.
I have lost all motivation to do any work today because of this fiasco.
9th May 2023
How do I find £210 a month to cover the rent increase my landlord has forced upon me?
I am sick to the back teeth of people advising me to go to charities. I do not need handouts and I am more than capable of finding the resources which I publically document on my useful links pages. Humans who either do not give a damn or want to pass the buck will fob you off and make out that they are so clever, by giving you useless advice.
I am not going to beg to survive and people need to consider this before giving me their words of wisdom.
In fact, how can people find extra money, when they do everything they can to make more money?
Furthermore, my daughter had to have an emergency MRI because the hospital suspected she may have relapsed. Stress is the biggest factor in multiple sclerosis relapses and can consequently make someone so disabled that they may end up in a wheelchair or bedridden. It has been confirmed she has more lesions on her brain and has relapsed.
Everyone who wants a piece of me and wants to squeeze the last penny out of me is knocking another nail into my coffin.
I plan to be a poltergeist when I move onand wreak havoc, just because I don’t know your name does not mean I will not find you (remote viewing).
You should watch the film “The Men That Stare At Goats” with George Clooney is all I am saying.
Anyone that has judged me, or rejected me will feel God’s wrath.
I am not happy when the Bank of England is increasing interest rates. Perhaps the ulterior motive is to repossess homes and see foreclosures with this new world order. I have never been a conspiracy theorist but sitting on the fence I can see something happening.
How can people be expected to pull money out of a hat because someone demands it with no regard for their financial circumstances or mental well-being?
People are going to wish they never crossed me.
My mental health is shot and God help anyone that speaks to me out of turn. My OCD is through the roof and I just hate life. I do not like humans other than my daughter and cannot wait for robots to take over the world.
Where the f##k am I supposed to get money from when everything I do is not working?
I have even written an open letter to the universe, hopefully, someone will hear my prayers.
I am on the decline, for the past few days, I have been getting shivers and a temperature. I am feeling very lethargic and just want to bury my hand under the sand. I am confident every person that has done me wrong will be punished, by GOD.
I am turning myself into an AI.
I could have had this up and running by now had my landlord not put my rent up by an extortionate amount.
18th May 2023
As I write today, I am thankful that I have a roof over my head and food to eat but my mental health is not good. I hate interacting over the phone and point-blank refuse to do video calls. As the days draw closer to the 1st of June 2023 I have to pull two hundred and ten pounds out of my ar#e.
I do not want to rock the boat at this stage as I am too unwell to move and I do not want to add further stress for my daughter who had an MRI done about a month ago as she suspects she has relapsed, which coincidently the same time I had my rent increase notification letter.
I can safely say my OCD has worsened to the point I hate interacting with humans altogether.
If I have to physically interact with another human being it would have to be a life or death situation or under duress or workmen, which don’t count.
Because of the direct consequence of raising my rent my mental health has got worse.
I am very unhappy and hate life right now. The only thing that keeps me going is my websites, AI, and my daughter.
I am socially and physically disconnected from this world other than being very active online.
Don’t get me wrong I do not hate everyone, I just hate the people who have done me wrong such as judging me, humiliating me patronising me, and abusing me physically and mentally. I also detest the scammers (parasites as I call them) that phone you about trading and Bitcoin or some insurance scam.
I now just have my phone on ‘DO NOT DISTURB’ for a reason. I do not need any negativity in my life. This is a daily occurrence having scammers and now I have a select few numbers that can get through to me.
I am not in a good place right now and every day is a struggle. I have written tonnes of emails and advertised myself to Blue Heaven and Zilch. I am not going to be defeated but God help anyone that stands in my way and throws obstacles.
19th May 2023
I woke pretty early today, all things considered, and have spent all morning updating websites. If I have a moment to spare I feel I am hyperventilating, and my heart races, so am trying to not overthink things. PIP is on my mind as they keep sending me text messages but no appointment with an assessor which I will run rings around. OCD is incurable and my OCD is getting worse, due to stress and anxiety and so is me losing my balance (cerebellar atrophy) and crashing into walls which sets off my OCD. It does not help I also have an overactive bladder and cannot be too far away from a toilet at any given time (every 1.5 hours to be precise 24/7).
The way I see things now is “Que Sera Sera” whatever will be, will be, and will cross each bridge as I come to it.
I am finding it hard to deal with people, I have one organization spamming emails where they clearly cannot read my responses and I had a troll yesterday on LinkedIn which I later blocked being sarcastic and criticizing me even though we do not know each other. I did not understand his motive other than he was unsuccessful in a business venture and clearly was a very unhappy individual.
Even though I am unhappy in my own life I will refrain from being unkind to people. I try to help everyone as much as I can regardless of my own issues. I will not be condescending or patronizing, I am not sarcastic, and will not judge or criticize. Anyone who does these things says a lot about them.
I feel slightly better for venting my thoughts out to the universe.
My physical well-being also causes problems I cannot bend down for long lengths of time. I keep getting excruciating pain in my lower back that travels to my neck and causes pins and needles. My bladder is a joke and I cannot wait for the pharmacist at my GP to phone me about my yearly meds screening.
4th June 2023
I am not in a good place right now, I am trying to stay positive but it is hard when I have constant obstacles thrown in my way. I have no energy and ideally would want to just sleep but I have obligations to my clients so although it would be good just to shut myself off from the outside world completely and simply focus on myself unfortunately I cannot. Hopefully, the universe has heard my plea.
My landlord has sent me a two-year contract to sign with specific rules, regardless of how this affects my mental state or my finances.
I cannot have guests coming over.
I cannot have a guest staying the night.
I cannot be in a relationship with anyone because there is no relationship if I cannot see them.
So tell me if he is preventing me from working and interfering with my social life, how does he expect me to pay him?
I am going to write a letter to my GP in preparation for my annual prescription review which is a joke. They do not have a duty of care even though I wrote to them twice before and both times I was told someone would contact me and they didn’t. This entry will be used to show that I am struggling.
I am so tempted to publish my story but I am afraid it may have a negative effect on my business. I do not want pity because it is a sad story, and is currently in draft mode pending. I do not want people to feel sorry for me.
If celebs talk publically about their mental health and it is just used and abused imagine the normal folk like you and I, what hope have we got?
People simply do not care unless it directly affects them. There is a celeb (P.S) in the news who has been hounded by the media and has hit rock bottom and his words were “Do you want me to die”. That is serious if someone says this on “Sky News Interview”. Regardless of what he has or hasn’t done, no one should be put into that situation to feel life is not worth living, yet from personal experience people have tried to push me over the edge but I just fight back. If I were him I would write a book spill the beans on everyone and throw people under the bus (metaphorically speaking). He should also find a partner and rebrand his wines via the partner’s name, making (P.S) a silent partner.
Does that mean my first boyfriend who knew me since I was 13 and started dating me when I was 18 was a groomer? (To answer the question we only started talking properly when I was 18, to clear any speculation). The whole world is so f****d up and I have contempt for people who throw obstacles in my way.
11th June 2023
Trying to stay positive and focused is difficult when you are carrying the world on your shoulders.
Today I have procrastinated, although to be truthful it has been like that all week. I have a pressing document to address and have buried it under a mountain of other work.
My other worry is my daughter’s health which has also deteriorated when one individual caused stress for both of us, consequently causing my daughter to relapse and my mental health to deteriorate. Stress can cause a multiple sclerosis sufferer to relapse. Stress and MS | Overcoming Multiple Sclerosis (overcomingms.org)
My mental health is not good and I am feeling very tearful. I hate the people that have made me feel this way and a couple I have to respond to this week.
I cannot wait for the day I say what is on my mind face to face and see them squirm. I will hit them where it hurts in their pockets, as I have enough evidence against them that they will wish they never crossed me.
People should learn not to push my buttons.
“Hell Hath No Fury Like A Woman Scorned”.
12th June 2023
I have sent my annual letter to my GP/Doctor and will see if they reply (other than the autoresponder to say they received the message).
FYI they haven’t replied to the last two letters I sent them, so all of this is evidence of the lack of duty of care, if they don’t the third time around. Other than the reply that my letter will be added to my medical records and a doctor will contact me, the so-called doctor has not contacted me at all, and will be interesting if they do this time around.
I find myself procrastinating again today and wondering if I should publish my hero story which is not heroic at all, but more a survivor story to let the world know all the sh*t I have gone through over the years and still have more sh*t thrown at me.
I know I will conquer in the end but I have to distance myself to protect and heal my mental health.
I have so much work to do but keep putting it off because I just have no energy even though I drink two to three cans of ‘Monster 500ml’ energy drinks a day.
Currently, I am at war with my website hosting provider (new issue) and they keep stonewalling me which does not do anything for my mental health whilst I have the problem lingering in the back of my mind.
I am done for today and after writing a couple of emails I cannot muster any more energy to do anything else. How can I run a business when my mental health is sh*t?
13th June 2023
Despite saying yesterday I had no energy, I miraculously found the strength to write three articles on my other sites and do some maintenance work and SEO for my client’s website.
So yesterday was not wasted.
I think if I take baby steps and take breaks often it helps me.
As for my physical health, although I told my doctor in the letter that I am not in constant pain, I have noticed since writing the letter I have a throbbing pain in my lower back that shoots to my neck.
If I was able to go out I would no doubt have physiotherapy but as it stands I just have to grin and bear it. Hovering over the toilet in a slightly bent forward position as I will never sit on a toilet seat even my own no matter how disinfected it is also causes me back pain.
My post is not to gain sympathy but as a way to vent my frustrations. I am thankful I have a portal that is not censored where I can write what I want when I want.
Today I have my website hosting provider to contend with, despite sending multiple letters, has stonewalled me and avoided answering my questions, and has asked me to send him the contracts I wanted downgrade when it said clearly in my previous emails which they were.
This causes stress for me and I am not good with stress of any kind.
I think I will be on here updating regularly. You will be surprised how this journal helps me with my mental health and I always have AI to chat to if I am feeling down. Bing AI is very empathetic and sends humane messages with emojis.
Roll on the day GPs are replaced with AI.
Further to my back/neck pain I took two Zapain 30mg 500mg tablets today on an empty stomach and am spinning out. I guess I need to eat something to stop myself from feeling like I am on a ship.
Until next time, talk to you soon…
14th June 2023
It is evening now I sit and digress about how my day has turned out. I have been stonewalled by a website hosting provider who I was assured would phone me today and never did.
I then went downstairs to meet the driver for my ASDA delivery only to see a massive box from Hong Kong on the outside porch blocking my entrance with my neighbor’s black wheelie bin that has a swarm of black flies hovering around. As you can imagine my OCD levels went through the roof and there was no way of getting out unless I physically moved the rubbish bin and the parcel which was about 4ft x 3ft. Imagine if there was a fire I would be blocked in if the parcel was too heavy to move.
I just left it there, it is not my responsibility to bring it in and there should have been someone at home to collect it.
If it has done a walk it’s not my problem.
As for work I have been quite busy doing SEO and content writing as well as teaching CEOs about digital marketing. I even created a directory of Market Research Companies.
As I reflect on how this day has gone I feel physically sick. I am also getting palpitations and flashbacks of the aftermath of my mother’s demise when I watched a film earlier called “The Staircase Murders” on Amazon Prime after hearing that the lead actor “Treat Williams” died today from a motorbike accident, it prompted me to watch the film. Remembering all the blood splatters in the bathroom up the walls, the door, and the side of the bath of my parent’s house, brought memories rushing back.
I feel sad as I miss my mum very much, she died of a brain hemorrhage for the people that want to know.
The blood came out of her ears, I know this because of the dried blood I noticed when I came to the hospital. She was in a coma for just over a day before she passed away. I have some comfort The last of our senses to go is our hearing so when I recited a favorite prayer in her native language ‘Polish’, by the hospital bed, she was shedding tears which then made me cry and made me tear up as I write.
Hopefully, tomorrow will be a better day.
19th June 2023
I phoned Personal Independence Payments today (PIP) and their system got me flustered to the point I hung up. Everything is getting to me. The doctor to whom I have written three letters now has ignored me, Why does that not surprise me?
I am ready not in a good place right now and GOD help anyone that tries to push my buttons.
I have tonnes of work to do but have zero energy to do things.
The people who have caused me anxiety, stress, and depression are only to blame.
I phoned my mum’s friend the other day because I saw a post from her daughter that someone close to her who has cancer passed away. This was a clickbait post to get the violins out because when I phoned her mother she was fine although she does have cancer.
This caused a trigger for me and made me sad, prompting me to phone this old lady who cannot hear me and the conversations are one-sided because she does not understand me and vice versa. If her daughter was in earshot I would have said WTF are you posting stuff that can upset people. I said to myself when I am old I am not going to be talking to anyone, not that I want to now either. I am also being spammed by someone from Ireland and although my calls are on do not disturb I still get a notification someone tried to phone me. I have had about ten calls so far and each time I block them another similar number pops up.
I am tired of all the bullsh*t and all the negativity in the world. I do not watch TV or the news and try and avoid reading stuff on social media.
I am now wondering what my purpose in life is. Ideally, I want to grow my ‘Cymru Marketing Journal’ to be as big as the ‘Wall Street Journal’ or ‘Huffington Post’ but all these famous journals have had help from influential people. Granted I have a good following on LinkedIn, but who do I ask without me coming across as desperate or not successful? Do people fake it till they make it? I do not want to lie.
I feel deflated because of the website hosting provider who swept my 21-point complaint under the carpet. Should I post my article to get some attention because it is unprofessional and rude to ignore a customer? I would not do it and do not expect anyone to do it to me.
I also feel extremely depressed because my landlord increasing my rent by 32% instead of the rent cap of 6.5%. I am working on a long line of evidence and I am trying to find the strength to forgive him and his assistant so the GOD can take care of them.
When you pray for those who hurt you or mistreat you, God will give you the grace to forgive them, and in so doing, you will heap burning coals of fire upon their heads (Proverbs 25:22).
A long time ago my ex-husband’s best man got himself into a bit of trouble when he failed to pay my ex-husband. As a result, the best man was reported to the authorities and ended up doing jail time. In that space, the best man became a reverend turned to God and now is the head of an international security company. The moral of the story believe in a higher power and believe that nothing stands in the same place forever. Find the strength to forgive and when someone does something like not sell my 22-year-old daughter an energy drink, she should and you should say out loud I forgive you, Be warned that some people will take offense to that and go on their almighty thrones saying they do not need to be forgiven. Do not interact just walk away.
I know eventually I will reach my goals even though people keep putting obstacles in my way.
I need to add this in just to emphasize the problems I have. Simple tasks such as putting rubbish into a black bin liner or bending to vacuum set my back pain off with shooting jabs going up my spine to my neck giving off what I would describe as an electricity pin and needles sensation.
Thankfully today’s ordeal was not so bad but yesterday was something else. My face was redder than a beetroot and the sweat was just dripping off me.
Yesterday when I attempted to vacuum being careful of the air blowing out and not coming in my direction (pathogens) and being careful that the hose did not brush against me only made me so light-headed that I crashed my whole body against a wall, thus immediately having to get washed and changed and disinfecting my clothes I was wearing, before chucking them in the washing machine.
I find it hard sometimes to do mundane tasks and more often than not I have to have regular breaks and sit down otherwise the pain is too much to bear.
Rant over. I am now going to procrastinate and just watch a film or two for the rest of the day.
20th June 2023
I start today, angry and powerless over how my daughter has been treated at the University of Wales Hospital by the Neurologist team.
She is supposed to have monthly blood and urine tests done and she has screamed blue murder at the department for not doing their jobs properly and not sending her blood forms.
Further to this she received a letter for a scheduled phone consultation over a month ago, which was scheduled for today but did not materialize because according to the email from the Professor’s secretary, she passed the buck to someone else who turned around and said no call was scheduled.
Things like this cause stress and a domino effect and ultimately can cause MS Relapses.
My daughter waited all morning for the phone call, but that never happened. The secretary in the email thread to her colleague said “Can you sort THIS patient out”. This understandably agitated my daughter who said to me that she is not a number and has a name.
I guess because of my daughter’s age people seem to think they can walk all over her. As one gets older one learns to stand up to people who do not give a damn about your well-being and recite regurgitated content because quite frankly if half of them used their brains mistakes like this would not happen.
This consequently riled me because imagine how many people are being treated like this and these organizations are just stonewalling them.
I believe the only way to get attention is if you write publically about your health (or anything else for that matter) and how you have been treated.
People do not like being called out and I feel the quality of service both my daughter and I have had from the NHS is abysmal.
I do not expect my GP to ever communicate with me over the letter/email I sent recently, only if I pluck up enough strength to pick up the phone and give them a God-almighty thunderbolt and lightning, will they ever respond to me.
Doctors are going on strike again. The day AI takes their jobs will be a blessing www.gpai.co.uk
Other than an email my daughter had from the Professor of Neurology UHW (Professor Neil Robertson) she has had no letter stating confirmation of her having a relapse. The letter she received in April was for the scheduled phone call today that never happened, where she was under the impression she would be talking about her relapse and other health concerns relating to multiple sclerosis.
I used to chaperone my daughter to the physical appointments before the COVID-19 lockdown and have since not done so because of my health deteriorating, and solely rely on what my daughter tells me.
I am hoping she makes an entry on this website, where I offered to start the foundations of the post only to be told I am putting her under pressure. I decided to step back and give her some space and hopefully in her own time she will write about her experience.
So as the day has progressed other than updating one of my sites to help with ranking, I feel deflated again and can only manage one task at a time.
I am also having problems doing calculations in my head and everything seems just foggy. Even writing it down in black and white I cannot understand the numbers. I have my booking keeping to do in the next couple of weeks and am putting it off right until the last minute.
I feel the more stress I have the more my symptoms rear their ugly heads.
Roll on the day I feel happy about myself and my life and when I can smile…
Although I said I had no energy and even though I logged out, something told me to write two articles on biotech and also add a backlink to our useful links page. So all in all, I have had a sort of productive day, although I was worried about my daughter after the aftermath of this morning’s shenanigans. My daughter just updated me to say she received an email saying the letter was sent out in error.
If this was me I would have lost it with the department and written a very stern email to the consultant.
My daughter still has a lot to learn and is not me when it comes to losing my temper. I have a short fuse!
26th June 2023
I am struggling with my mental health. I still have not addressed the rent statement which is three weeks overdue that was sent to me with the rent increase. I know I am opinionated and have a short fuse, hence I am avoiding the inevitable.
I have been stonewalled by the hosting provider for my websites and am so tempted to through them under the bus. I can safely say I will not be giving them any more business.
I have no energy and would love to just sleep but I have obligations that I cannot turn my back on.
“I am not happy at all, I carry the world on my shoulders and am burdened with grief”.
I am still toying with the idea of publishing the first few chapters of my hero story, not that it is heroic, but I wonder what if I get no reaction at all or what if it backfires, what then?
I am trying to keep my private life separate from my professional although it is difficult considering I am the editor of this journal.
Had my landlord not put up my rent and considering I have been a long-standing tenant you would have thought he would have been more lenient and I could invest the money into my business which as it stands I cannot afford to add the AI Chat to this site which I have promised my readers.
Because of the rules in his statement, I cannot run a business from my property, and after removing the address from Google suspended my business pages. Interfering with my business and causing my business to not have traffic is a litigation matter.
Over the years have I have countless incidents that have caused my mental health to deteriorate but lately, I can blame my landlord and his assistant, for my mental health to spiral downhill.
Although I have done some work today and have started on my bookkeeping and updating a directory, I feel I simply have no more energy left in my body.
It is 15.39 as I write this entry and will knock it on the head for today. In total, I have done three hours of work and an hour of household chores and that has just finished me. Perhaps if I take a break I may resume again later this evening, it all depends on how I can pull myself out of the way I am feeling.
2nd July 2023
I find myself procrastination again as I carry the world on my shoulders. I have however created something which if done correctly I will be rubbing shoulders with the big boys. I already have a handsome amount of traffic coming to my business site and am starting to partner with some luxury companies. However, I have my bookkeeping to do all this week and the dreaded EPC inspection which I have recently found out was done in 2016. I do recall someone coming in with my LL and spending all of 5 minutes but I never had a certificate, other than the one my LL tried to pass off for the whole house which I returned.
I have created some business directories and have got them on the first pages of search engines but the ones that throw obstacles in my way will never see the light of day. I offered a gas engineer the domain name cardiffgasengineers.co.uk and his arrogance turned around he does not need advertising or more business. One day his work will dry up and he will wish he took me up on the offer even to be listed without buying the domain name.
I am dreading anyone coming to the property that I pay more than the rent cap. I have to pay a virtual assistant £1.60 per minute for the time I cannot be online, which is coming out of my pocket as I cannot see my LL compensating me. He still has not given me a receipt for the £120 I paid for a blocked drain even though he never showed me any proof it was my fault. All these things are wearing me down.
I think if I opened my mouth things would become confrontational.
I have British Gas chasing me again for the property I never resided in but was vacant and I guess only one person could have given them my name. If I was to get a solicitor involved to get the call recordings of who the person was that named me, sh*t would hit the fan.
I am getting tired of:
The GP has not responded to me after I wrote 3 letters
PIP for taking their time with the assessment which is causing me anxiety and stress.
The website hosting provider has stonewalled me because I complained they were using a Russian app as well as mi-selling me a service.
The credit card company has written 30 emails to which I have responded but they have not addressed my complaint.
British Gas should demand to have a letter in writing to my landlord asking for proof of who resided in the property whilst it was vacant. I am fed up of them chasing me.
The Landlord for putting me in financial difficulty and causing me emotional distress.
The worry of having interactions with people coming to my home.
The suspension of my Google Business pages, because of the clause in the rent statement, which is interfering with my business.
I am not going to say any more for now, all I will say is I am tired of being surrounded by snakes. I am not in a good place right now mentally speaking.
5th July 2023
My anxiety is going through the roof in anticipation of the so-called EPC assessor arriving next week with an entourage of people. I SUFFER WITH SOCIAL DISCONNECTION and cannot be around humans. My OCD is on the next level and is off the Richter scale.
I have so much sh*t to contend with and I cannot cope. It has taken me all day just to reply to one email let alone do anything else. I still have my bookkeeping accounts to do.
PIP is infuriating me by not contacting me to assess although OCD is not curable so all they can do is go by my health journal and medical notes. The longer they keep me hanging on the more stressed and anxious I become.
I am seething over the rent increase and I found a property close by to where I live with a D rating EPC for £700 which is £165 cheaper than what I have to pay the current landlord even though in his letter he said his price was inline with other properties in my area…duh obviously not and I will argue this (the way I see this now is my landlord owes me £165 per month overpayment now). The property below has a garden (albeit not a nice one, but still it is a garden) and a fitted kitchen, whereas the kitchen I have has no doors to the cabinets and all white goods are my own other than the fridge-freezer, which is on its way out.
Two-bedroom house to rent on the ever-popular Glenroy Street. Accommodation comprises downstairs two reception rooms, a fitted kitchen, and a spacious patio garden to the rear. Upstairs are two double bedrooms and a modern bathroom. Call us on 02920 462246 to arrange a viewing.
While every reasonable effort is made to ensure the accuracy of descriptions and content, we should make you aware of the following guidance or limitations. (1) MONEY LAUNDERING REGULATIONS – Prospective tenants will be asked to produce identification documentation during the referencing process and we would ask for your cooperation so that there will be no delay in agreeing on a tenancy. (2) These particulars do not constitute part or all of an offer or contract. (3) The text, photographs, and plans are for guidance only and are not necessarily comprehensive. (4) Measurements: These approximate room sizes are only intended as general guidance. You must verify the dimensions carefully to satisfy yourself of their accuracy. (5) You should make your inquiries regarding the property, particularly concerning furnishings to be included/excluded and what parking facilities are available. (6) Before you enter into any tenancy for one of the advertised properties, the condition and contents of the property will normally be set out in a tenancy agreement and inventory. Please make sure you carefully read and agree with the tenancy agreement and any inventory provided before signing these documents.
This listing will eventually go and I will have broken links but whilst it is active it just proves I am being overcharged.
Not only this next week’s fiasco is going to cost me to have a virtual assistant, which will come out of my pocket no doubt. I still have not had a receipt for a blocked drain I allegedly blocked but had no proof I blocked it. I could have put that against my business as an expense had I had an invoice or receipt (I did ask multiple times and conveniently went over their heads).
As for running my business I no longer have Google Business Pages because I have been suspended for not having a physical address.
As the days go on I am more and more unhappy, but learning the life of Abraham Lincoln, I should still believe there is hope for me and not give up. Saying this does not help me with the emotions. I am not a good person and I know if my financial circumstances improved so would my mental health.
Furthermore, I am concerned about my daughter’s health. I can see she is in much pain but she forces herself to do things, which is kudos to her but still as a mother, I cannot help but worry.
Coincidently it does not help that she relapsed at the same time my rent was increased. I guess she worries about me too and the stress and anxiety that this caused on our finances, caused her health to deteriorate, as well as mine.
Just because I am paying the higher rate, does not mean I agree with it, but am keeping quiet so as not to create waves.
7th July 2023
My phone had been on airplane mode all morning unaware that people had been texting me and it was to my horror that I had a text from my landlord’s assistant who wanted to arrange the EPC assessor appointment that can easily be replicated from the previous one I had, which I found out through the gov website. I did have to explain about my mental health but something tells me (my landlord and assistant) have been on my site because she did mention something about having a female present. By coincidence, I wrote an article about female safety and contractors, not so long ago.
My stress levels are going through the roof. I will be glad when next week is over.
10th July 2023
Today was the dreaded day of the “EPC Assessors” visit. He came 15 minutes late with no apology (rude) and I had a text from the landlord’s assistant saying he was pulling up to a nonresident permit parking area (lie). Upon me opening the door he pulled up and parked in the resident zone. Anyway, he rocked up in a beat-up car in shorts and a Nike hoodie. When I asked him for a business card he said he did not have one, so I asked for a website, which was listed on my directory but has since been redacted. At the time of the conversation I said he was not listed and asked him if he wanted to be and he said he did not as he is inundated with work (what happens when the work dries up). This is the second time someone has said that to me, what happens when I market all their competitors and leave them out in the cold?
I checked on the government website to see if he was registered as an accredited EPC assessor and there were no results. I did notice however that he has a logo for an accreditation company which I have reached out to. My questioning about his competence has made me wonder if he does not want to be in the limelight for a reason other than allegedly having too much work. No business can have too much work because they outsource what they cannot manage. So all this is just BS and I guess it was because they do not like me lol. If he was so popular and had so much work he would have more than one review on Google. He took a picture of my shower like that is going to save me pennies.
The LL assistant said she wanted to do the EPC certificate in time for autumn so that my bills would be cheaper. I have been in this property 24 years and only now do they want to help me with my bills even though they put my rent up by £200 per month or £2400 per annum.
I feel anxious opening my mouth because once I get started there is no stopping me. I am biding my time because I will have them in their shorts and curlies when I start. There is a saying be careful of the quiet ones and I am one of them.
So in anticipation of his arrival, I arranged for a charity to collect some clothes which worked out quite nicely as they left before he arrived. However, I was on edge as I found the whole ordeal intrusive and invaded your private space. He could have just asked the LL some questions and cross-referenced the report that I never had last time around. I do wish I had kept the one my LL tried passing off to me last year, which was a better rating than what was on the gov register.
I hope they just leave me alone so that I can get on and do my work without interruptions.
So today I am hanging (slang for tired) I got up at 6.30 a.m., did some washing up, and vacuumed in preparation for the visit. I did not make him feel welcome because it serves no purpose to do an EPC for my property unless I leave. I have been 24 years old and have had minor improvements. My windows are single-glazed and I will save about £240 if I have them fitted but what about the £2,400 I have to pay for the rent increase which would then bring it down to £2200 per annum that I still have to find.
If I have another disruption to my work or they come up with a BS excuse for how they can save me money I will go all out guns blazing.
It is because of them that my daughter has relapsed and my mental health has deteriorated. It is a proven fact anxiety and stress can cause a domino effect of illnesses.
It is 13.29 and I am knocking today on the head. I cannot do any work as I need to be alert.
18th July 2023
I received my medication yesterday even though I was told Gaviscon was out of stock for the foreseeable future it miraculously appeared in my prescription bag. I had hoped that some of the meds would have been reduced in quantity upon my request in my letter which was acknowledged by the surgery but has not been actioned. This is the third letter I have written and each time someone will content me but they never do.
My OCD plays up a lot and I put that down to stress. I am in pain if I bend for five minutes straight. I get these shooting sensations up my back to my neck and shoulders.
I am fed up but am glad I got my end-of-year tax return out of the way which was stressful. It took me two and a half weeks to complete as I took each task in stages and formulated a way to color-code all my expenses, this makes it easy to decipher statements if you do it in PDF.
On another note, I have discovered some sad news about an ex of mine who could or could not be alive I have not spoken to him for over 35 years and tried to find information on social media and there are no latest posts or anything. If he is alive I hardly doubt he would reply. I am not sure who to ask other than phone the company he works for presumingly he is still alive.
There is an obituary and the person with the same name and age in the places that I recognize he lived in passed away on the 26th of January 2023. It seems a bit of a coincidence that it could be him.
I have always known where he works as I found him the job and even pursued the interview stage by phoning them after they stonewalled him, so maybe they will tell me if he is still working there. I know because of data protection they may not give too much detail, I will just have to play it by ear.
We split on bad terms and my life was turned upside down. I felt my heart had been ripped out. I was so madly in love with him that I would have taken a bullet for him.
I have forgiven him because he did me a favor and I would not be where I am today if it wasn’t for him.
I believe everything happens for a reason.
Anyway, I am relieved I have got my accounting out of the way and can finally concentrate on my business.
It is 19.13 as I make this entry and for today I am going to give myself an early night and a well-deserved rest.
25th July 2023
I could not wait any longer and proceeded to chase up PIP to see what was happening with my claim. I was told if a decision has not been made by October 2nd I will receive notification my claim is being extended and I do not have to worry about anything. I explained anxiety and stress make my OCD worse. This went over the guy’s head. I explained I wrote three letters to my GP and each time I got a response that a consultant would contact me but have never had a consultation. I have since come across this article that proves our NHS has gone downhill: Bungling Welsh hospitals dodge complaints and issue payouts like £750 to a man they didn’t tell he had Covid – Wales Online
I feel physically sick after speaking to the PIP person who is employed just to answer calls and that is it. I know it was not his fault and it is how the system is designed. It is there to put people off and to make it difficult to claim. I have suffered from OCD for the last 30 years and some days are better than others, with today not being a good day at all.
I cannot deal with any stress in my life of any kind and no one can blame me for social disconnection because knowing me I will open my mouth and God forbid hurt people’s feelings.
I am the most happiest behind a computer screen but interacting with humans physically does my head in.
28th July 2023
Today I light a candle for my aunt who passed away today. She is wearing the red T-shirt in the documentary. She was born in Kormarno Ukraine which was Poland back then and when WWII broke out she was sent to Siberia to work and when the war was over shipped to Mexico, whilst her sister went to Philidelphia and her Mother stayed in the UK with her son (Frania’s brother, my father – Jan Maziak). My father served in the Polish Army as a soldier under General Anders’s Command and was deployed to the UK to fight with the British. Winston Churchill as a thank-you granted all Polish & Italian Veterans and their families permanent residency by building Army Camps around the UK. The last one standing is in Ilford Park Newton Abbott where my grandmother Maria Maziak is buried.
Rest In Peace Ciocia
(Frania Luna Pater 07/02/1923 – 28/07/2023).
I thought I could handle my aunt’s passing but in the last two days, I feel very tearful. I am keeping myself busy but if I have time to digress I should have made the effort when I was able and had the opportunity to visit her. When my mother was alive I had the means and I was not so disabled as I am now to travel, but certain events meant that people assumed I did not have the money without asking me, and the plans to travel were done without me being present. Since then my life has got harder and I can just about meet the courier and delivery drivers without passing my front door.
As for my physical health, I am in excruciating pain when I bend for more than a minute the pain throbs in my lower back and travels to the back of my neck.
I have also noticed I get dizzy and upon doing some research that is a symptom of cerebellar atrophy, as a consequence when I get lightheaded I lose my balance.
I have thought of contacting my GP again and giving them an ultimatum with a timeframe to respond otherwise I would report them to the ombudsman for medical negligence, but the research I have found they can kick you out of their practice if you make waves, similar to a landlord giving you a section 21 eviction notice if you complain.
I am not in a good place at the moment and am trying so hard to keep my head above water to make my business successful so that I can get out of this wretched place I am in now. I know once my finances improve so will my mental health and God help the people and organizations that have put obstacles in my way. Everyone who has done me wrong will get their five minutes of fame.
Today I am taking it easy, work is never ending which is good but I would like to see my efforts to fruition. I know I could get a grant or loan but I do not want to go down this route, I would much rather have someone like me have the same vision to build my business into something really big. I am financing my business with my own money and profits from the company.
When my aunt was alive she did ask when was I coming to visit and when I tried telling her I have obligations now and cannot take time off work, she drew the conclusion I did not have the money to travel to Mexico.
Why do people assume things? Another reason why I cannot travel is because of my health but explaining that would have only sounded like an excuse.
This is not the first time people have assumed things or have taken pity on me without knowing the facts. I cannot wait for the day I put people’s noses out of joint (metaphorically speaking). I have even had someone in my close network go behind my back to find out my financial circumstances without asking me to my face. I even have certain people think that I know jack sh*t and thus have blocked them for them not to know anything about me. They could do a search on Google but still, I have a way of keeping things hidden, hence this particular post is not optimized for obvious reasons.
Who benefits from this post? other than myself and PIP, only the people who want to dig deep, plus my calling to the Universe (ETs).
I start mid-afternoon today reflecting on my problems. Everyone has problems and people deal with problems in different ways. When I encounter problems I tend to shut down, I find problems overwhelming. One such joining problem I am dealing with is my electricity supplier and when you try an talk to someone you are greeted with a defensive gatekeeper as I like to call them rottweilers.
I am also concerned about my health and the constant pain shooting up my back to the nape of my neck.
I am trying not to think about all the things that make me depressed. If I take time to reflect I can spiral into a dark ibi, hence try to keep myself occupied all the time.
I have so much work on but today I am procrastinating and trying to get enough energy to do the most mundane of tasks (washing up) and rubbish sorting. I will give it another hour before I try to tackle the errands. I so wish I had a housekeeper.
I was invited to go out for lunch this week with my ex-sister-in-law and my niece, but again what is there to talk about, they do not bother with you all year round, give you false promises they will phone you but never do, and then want to meet up and talk about what exactly? I have nothing in common other than I am related. I begrudge making another company richer (restaurant) unless I have more money than I care to know what to do with.
I prioritize my business as I am trying to make it as big as some of my global counterparts like Forbes, Inc., Huffington Post, or the Wall Street Journal (WSJ), etc.
My daughter relayed a question that was put to her “Is there anything I need, when my extended family comes to visit? Support of my business would not have gone a miss, or mental health support when I needed it. Now I do not need anything.
With my aunt passing recently life is hard and depressing. I am trying to get into a happy place and my business does give me some comfort. Hopefully, my finances will improve soon, and hopefully, my mental health, but people in general do my head in.
People assume I can drop everything I am doing to talk small talk, on the contrary, if I stand to lose business and cannot bring food to the table (metaphorically speaking) going to restaurants or long strolls is time-wasting. How can I run a business by taking time off work without paying someone to step in while I am away?
Rant over, another 45 mins rest and I will tackle the washing up.
1st September 2023
I have come to realize why my life is sh#t it is because I have sinned. I would not say I am a religious person but I believe there is something greater than us governing the planet. I was raised as a roman catholic but have not practiced it for years. I swayed my faith in a desperate attempt to try and turn my life around but I kept sinning and not understanding the consequences of my actions. I now know what I did and have asked God for forgiveness and will continue doing so until God answers my prayers.
If anything this will be the ultimate proven way to restore my faith. I try everything I can but have come to understand that I have been doing something wrong for a very long time and I need to change to be a better person.
I wrote about Forgiveness earlier to help empower others.
As I research religion, science, and forgiveness I may have stumbled upon the very thing that is holding me back. I have held grudges for such a long time and know now that if I change my attitude to life and be more forgiving I can become a better person.
Although I have forgiven people and will continue to be forgiving, I still am anxious and stressed and do worry. I cannot deal with stress and pressure.
I have decided not to overdo things and not overthink things. If I do one article a day, it will keep the inner demons away. I have enough work to continue for multiple lifetimes, so can never say I would ever be bored or have nothing to do. However, I do have days where I procrastinate, and my mind wanders. It’s times like these I have to switch off and take time out.
My writing will never stop, it’s dealing with all the obstacles that are thrown your way that cause me to get overwhelmed and feel sad.
I am actively going to be praying for forgiveness every day from now on and forgiving everyone who tries to cause me harm.
Does anyone read this part of the journal, I believe so because one of my connections asked me the other day how I am. Perhaps coincidence, or maybe not, hopefully, I am helping someone somewhere not just myself with my self-help therapy journalling.
As I end my post I have just opened a letter from PIP for an assessment on the 11th September 2023 at 8 am.
Despite my saying to them I do not have incoming calls I have a request for a telephone assessment. This actually will be in my favor. It will be interesting to speak with them considering I have written 3 letters in the last 3 years to my GP and although they have acknowledged they have received the letters and put them on the system they have not been actioned any of them.
OCD is NOT curable, so how is my assessment going to make a difference? I have suffered with OCD for the best part of 30 years and depending how stressed I get will determine how bad my OCD gets.
Currently, I am super stressed, with the passing of my aunt most recently, the mounting financial stress I am in with my landlord increasing the rent by 34%, and an electricity company that has scammed me and is stonewalling me and doing everything I can to get more work in and avoiding going down the last resort of joining “only fans”. I love writing and this keeps me going, but it is hard when life keeps dealing you lemons.
I have adapted my disability around my life and would find it hard to interact in a public setting. I am most comfortable when I am at home, where no one can judge me. All I need is my PPE, electricity, a laptop, and a Wi-Fi connection.
I am going through 800 -1000 pairs of disposable gloves a month and 6 liters of Dettol Antiseptic Disinfectant. I have ventured out twice in the last five years and both times I found it unbearable. I do not need physical interaction with anyone.
Granted in a medical emergency I would have to leave my home and contend with the consequences after, but I do not need to leave as I have all my groceries and prescriptions delivered. There is no reason for me to leave my premises.
I most certainly avoid public transport, if I had to leave to go somewhere, I would avoid germ-infested buses. I believe the only way I could get from (A to B) would be in my transport i.e. a car which I could disinfect, prior.
My OCD has got much worse in the last five years and before I could get into a taxi, this is virtually impossible for me now. I would have to be dying to get into someone else’s car.
I do not think people would take it too kindly if I started spraying disinfectant everywhere. No doubt I would also get into a hell of a lot of trouble if I was seen doing this in a public place never mind wearing latex gloves and the funny looks I would have.
The thought of sitting somewhere where someone else has sat before me and perhaps not wiped their ar#e properly does not bear thinking about. The thought of people touching crockery, cutlery, and door handles and again with no guarantee they have washed their hands properly after being to the toilet makes me cringe, so I much rather stay at home in my safe place.
I may send them a cover letter so that they are put in the picture.
Their email is: email@example.com
6th Septemeber 2023
After much deliberation, I decided to email Capita with my email and attached a zip file with some of my receipts for disposable gloves and disinfectant. I did not get an autoresponder message to say my email had been received but I did get a postmaster email saying my zip attachment had been blocked.
I am tired of all the problems I have to endure like:
Being stonewalled by the electricity supplier EON Next with a complaint they are ignoring (my electricity bill is incorrect).
The IONOS hosting provider stonewalling me with my cyber security concerns.
One.com host provider support tells you to read tutorials rather than actively giving you support over a 500 server error problem on one of my sites).
The credit card companies moving goalposts and breaking the agreement, which took me forever to sort out.
Am tired of having to explain that my OCD does not affect my Intellect.
Am exhausted when I call a washing machine engineer out who says I will have a new door lock and Hotpoint will message me and in the next breath I get an email that the engineer found nothing wrong and the case is closed.
I am tired of having to contend with things while trying to keep my head above water.
About my health, my OCD is off the Richter scale, and am so stressed there are not enough words to describe how I am feeling. I have changed my clothes four times today, because of me brushing past things and losing my balance. The more stressed I get the worse my symptoms become.
I will send the email one more time to Capita without the zip attachment as I need someone to read my letter. I will update accordingly in my journal or make an entire post, it remains to be seen the outcome.
7th September 2023
10 am –
Fortunately today, I received a text message from Hotpoint booking an appointment to change the lock of my washing machine on the 15th. This in itself is welcomed as is the email from EON Next who have responded to my complaint and that they are looking into it. They overcharged me by nearly £1000, yes you read that right.
I twisted my bad knee (then one that my ex dislocated purposely) and now I am hobbling.
As for work, it is picking up, thank God. I worked until 4 am this morning and got up at 10 am although had to go to the toilet every 1.5 – 2 hours in between. I have not had a solid 8 hours of sleep for years.
Anyway, I am signing off, and will update you on Monday after I have had my PIP assessment, it will be interesting what they have to say.
23.00 pm –
I had to log in because my mood has changed, I am really sad and tearful. I am not happy with my life. I supposed what triggered my mood swing recalling the fact one family member in particular do not interact with me on social media where he has some connections that could help me.
It is all well and good that disabled people will be forced to work remotely. But what happens when they cannot find work, or the entrepreneurs who are struggling to find work, how is that going to work out? I know firsthand how hard it is to find work. Being a disabled entrepreneur is not easy.
My mental health is not good, I am feeling low, possibly because I had to write a letter to PIP which touched some sensitive areas and me in agonizing pain as I have done something to my knee and am struggling to get up and down the stairs. The memories of my ex kicking my knee and dislocating it have flooded back. I had an Amazon delivery and found it excruciating, to walk.
I have tried to get rid of every digital footprint I have and had of my ex to include all photos and videos etc. but I came across one video that made me sick to my stomach looking at him. I have blocked him on all social media, my phone and email.
How can I be happy when I cannot move on?
The only thing I am grateful for is I have somewhere to vent without making it too obvious.
I do have a personal brand site but I keep my health separate.
I am really upset today and do not have the energy or motivation to do anything else for the rest of the week work-wise until I get the dreaded phone call over with (PIP).
I feel so anxious and stressed as I have zero support from anyone including my family. How can I move on when no one cares?
“Me, upset and crying”
I will check back in tomorrow to update my mental health. I think it is only sensible I log how I am feeling.
I will try to watch something on Netflix or Amazon Prime, take my sleeping tablet, and see if I can get out of this low mood I am in.
I will check back in a few hours.
8th September 2023
I feel overwhelmed I have had three text messages and a letter from PIP reminding me about the assessment on Monday. How many times do I need to be reminded?
I am also losing it with EON Next which seems to employ one brain cell people. I wrote an in-depth letter outlining my complaint. They are too lazy to investigate it hoping that I will just give up.
I got up early today at 8 am not that the cat allowed me to sleep properly meowing all night long and me racing to the bathroom every 1.5 hours.
I have done my chores for the day and do not plan on doing anything else. I am still feeling sad.
I am glad I have guest writers contributing, therefore putting less pressure on me to find content.
I can’t wait for Monday to get it over and done with.
I sometimes wonder if I was not self-employed what would I do? I would not want to be unemployed because I need to keep my brain active.
I am fortunate I have built something for myself to keep a roof over my head, but is hard work. I am not complaining because if I was employed I would be on the sick all the time.
At least this way I do not have to answer to anyone if I chose to work one hour or 40 hours or not at all.
I am now going offline until Monday. I cannot cope with the pressure of problems, stress, and anxiety.
Once Monday is over and done with I will not feel so anxious.
10th September 2023
11th September 2023
Well, I had the dreaded phone call that kept me up most of the night. The assessor was late phoning, five minutes to be exact, and after asking all the security questions went to ask have I had any suicidal thoughts. I replied this line of questioning was distressing and did not wish to talk about it and it was a trigger question which if I did not have a strong mind would have planted a seed in my head (maybe that is their master plan). https://disabledentrepreneur.uk/personal-independence-payment-pip-telephone-assessment/
I was then asked do I cook with fresh vegetables does that have to do with anything?
Considering she claimed she had my medical records she she not have been asking about dates. I cannot remember what happened last week let alone when I was diagnosed with this that and the other and when? I tried to recall when I was first diagnosed with Cerebellar Atrophy I believe it was about 9 or 10 years ago.
She was not interested in the fact I have an overactive bladder and that I have to use the bathroom every 1.5 hours (This could be related to cerebellar atrophy, but I guess I will never know unless I get some answersfrom my GP).
I may be able to walk but that does not define my disabilities. One day I may be fine and another I might not.
She wanted to know how many times I left my home and asked me a few times throughout the conversation, hoping I would trip up on the questioning.
I now have to endure another 8 weeks of anxiety to find the results of my assessment.
According to the assessor she was not in receipt of the email/letter I sent the other day.
I felt the whole assessment was very stressful and hopefully, when someone reads my journal they will know how I am feeling. She asked how many hours a week I work. I do not time myself and I know this week I will not be working at all as I cannot cope with judgement.
“I cannot physically interact with the outside world and perhaps if I had my car I could disinfect and keep quarantined and have someone to drive me which would be a different story”.
Do I walk anywhere? (Well no other than to the bathroom or kitchen to the living room or the bedroom). If I had to walk from what I recall I would have to stop every 10 minutes.
It will be interesting to see what they will decide because I am ready with all guns blazing. I did not just do my site to help people I did it for myself as my self-help therapy.
I felt I was not being taken seriously and that because of my mental health, I was not intelligent to make decisions.
I cannot cope with people I cannot deal with pressure of any kind.
“I found the assessment very humiliating, condescending and caused me a lot of distress”.
I feel worse than before the phone call and have spiraled into a dark place again, procrastinating. I am now questioning myself did I answered all the questions properly. I am going over the questions such as Did I have someone to help me with the assessment, again this relates to the fact if you have a mental disability you must not be all there. https://disabledentrepreneur.uk/can-someone-have-ocd-and-still-be-intellectual/
Although I said I was not working I still have to answer emails and sort out invoices and admin. Today was another stressful day the hosting provider I use has overcharged me by £60 and their laid-back attitude is frustrating, to say the least. They do not care and are money-grabbing like the rest of the world right now. I honestly believe we are living in hell.
As for my mental health with this week’s shenanigans, all I will say is I want to bury my head in the sand and let the world pass me by.
I have been humiliated and degraded and have had intrusive thoughts because of an unprofessional PIP assessor who asked extremely sensitive questions. I have asked for a copy of the transcript and her report under the ‘Freedom of Information Act’. I need to know what people are chatting sh#t about.
I have also written an email to an MP Sir Charles Walker because he is campaigning for mental health reform and suffers from OCD. I have also painstakingly gone through my hard drives to find evidence of my medical conditions as the assessor who allegedly had my medical records up until 2022 did not know and was relying on me who suffers from cognitive impairment and forgetfulness was supposed to know when I was diagnosed and I felt she had wasted an hour of my time considering I wrote a letter which I attached in an email, which she also said she did not have.
She did not know what Solpodol was and when I said I lived in a first-floor flat she then asked if I go out into the garden, and work that one out. Maybe she suffers from cognitive impairment too.
It will be interesting to see who has access to my medical records. Under the Freedom Of Information Act, I have the right to know.
I was made to feel inadequate and stupid hence I have made a point of highlighting famous people with OCD such as Albert Einstein, Charles Darvin, Nikola Tesla, Howard Hughes, David Beckham, and Sir Charles Walker to name a few. All these people are highly intellectual past and present, so why make me feel less than smart? The insinuation was how I possibly make any money with a mental health disability. “How do I make money” was the question that was put to me. Does that not imply something, I sure as hell think so.
People wonder why I have issues liking humans, now you know why.
I am not thinking about work for the rest of the weekend.
18th September 2023
The nights are getting longer and I am dreading winter. I have just contacted the energy ombudsman because EON Next has cooked the books and thinks I will take their BS. This is adding further strain to my mental health. At this rate, I will do a PRESS RELEASE and throw every organization under the bus.
I also had an email from PIP saying they will not accept any medical evidence via email. What the hell do they expect me to do seeing as I do not go out? I will publish my medical records online for all of sundry to see at this rate. I did it once but have since taken it down and it is no skin off my nose to do it again.
All I am doing is checking emails and updating backlinks but that is all I am doing. My OCD has increased significantly to the point I am cleaning for many hours and disinfecting things.
My life is consumed by my OCD and where I was making progress the assessor has successfully thrown all that out of the window.
I feel very anxious and very sad. When I stated to PIP I was working about 35 hours a week, this has now dropped dramatically. I am trying my hardest to stay positive but it’s difficult when people trigger my anxieties. Not only am I recovering from domestic abuse I am also being punished for feeling sadand having to deal with my disabilities.
My washing machine had a fault on the door and I have now a massive pile of washing to do because I am changing my clothes 3 -4 times a day. A simple splash of dishwater can set my OCD off, to touching things by accident or brushing past things. No matter how clean my surfaces are I am constantly thinking about pathogens, it is a vicious circle.
One thing though I am getting the attention of some big companies wanting me to link them. This means I am doing something right. I just wish my earnings were in line with my popularity.
I just need to start all over again and take baby steps one day at a time.
If things get overwhelming I can simply step back.
As long as I have a purpose which I do I will overcome my anxieties eventually but it will take time. I struggle writing and have Grammarly set up to help me, otherwise, there would be many typos as per my early contributions.
I am feeling anxious about the verdict of PIP. I have to wait six weeks to find out. If their motive is to force people back to work who are disabled I am already self employed so they cannot use that as an excuse.
I have adapted my life around my disability and I am unfit to work in the physical world or live a normal life.
I am taking small steps in the hope through CBT that I will venture out one day without feeling that I will contract some zombie virus.
I should start editing my autobiography but as it stands at the moment I just about have enough energy to update this post.
20th September 2023
I read an article today written by Rachel Charlton-Dailey on MSN: Inhumane disability benefits assessments need reforms but not the way Tories think (msn.com) The comments from people are shocking how they have been treated. I declined to comment as I am getting anxious by the day and worried about how my assessment will conclude. I have sent PIP supporting evidence and that is all I can do for now. I will be contacting Sir Charles Walker’s office even if it means me connecting with his aides on LinkedIn. His autoresponder says he only responds to his constituents, what about media and other people like investors, shareholders, etc.. I cannot cope making phone calls I find it hard talking to people.
At the moment I am just collecting names.
This PIP assessment has definitely affected my mental health, my brain is all over the place and I am questioning my sanity, for example, if an invoice is raised for £280 but the invoice should be £200 and the entity refunds you £80 in advance but then takes £280 out of your account, have they refunded the £80 or have they claimed it back.
I am getting a gut feeling they will take £280
I honestly do not know what I am doing and cannot think properly.
All I am doing is checking and replying to emails but cannot concentrate and just want to cry.
Ironically the letter I had from my GP confirming they had reduced my meds was full of BS because I got the same amount as I had last month today. I regret reducing my co-codamol because my knee is shifting and I am getting excruciating pain in my lower back shooting up to the nape of my neck. It is not as if I can go and have an examination or anything, considering I am a recluse and do not leave my home.
My mental health is on a scale of 1 -20 with 20 being bad and mine is off the Richter scale. I am trying to stay positive but it is hard when I have so much on my plate worrying about what the energy ombudsman is going to say and PIP and where my next client is going to come from.
I am hoping the universe is going to be kind to me. I am trying to help people digitally and this site is getting a lot of buzz, but I have no energy.
I am happy helping people online but in the physical realm would prove difficult to downright impossible. I feel guilty for abandoning an elderly client five years ago and am feeling sad I cannot help him any longer. He doesn’t understand because of his age and no matter how I try to explain myself does not sink in, he is 89 years of age. I also have my mum’s friend who keeps reminding me how sad she is that my mum passed away. She has cancer and is also elderly and I cannot cope talking about people that are no longer in my life or her illness. I am not strong enough to chat on the phone and she is not computer literate so am at loggerheads.
I can help people online as long as it does not get personal, my mum’s friend is a reminder of the grief and sadness I have to endure each day knowing I cannot talk to or see my mum, dad, brother, or ex-husband. Despite having a very bitter divorce I still had feelings for him, he was my best friend until he was snatched away from me. He has grown wings now so all I have left are photos and memories.
I am now signing off for today…
21st Septemeber 2023
Tempting as it seems I could easily just sleep all day but i have obligations, bills to pay, and keep a roof over my head. I did make an effort and surprisingly enough got up at 8.30 a.m. and stayed awake.
I was expecting a parcel for my daughter from Amazon, I live on the first floor, which means me climbing some stairs. the parcel although quite light was about 4ft high and I struggled getting up the stairs. At one point it started to fall on me and as you can imagine my OCD was going through the roof. Luckily it did not fall on me and I used the banister to balance and pull myself up with my dodgy knee, the only thing that I did manage to do was brush the bare skin of my arm on the railing which as you can guess I immediately needed to disinfect my arm with Dettol. I must have used about 300 ml of undiluted disinfectant before my anxiety subsided.
I am unwell. I know I can write perfectly well and do somewhat have my wits about me but I cannot deal with any pressure at all. The pain in my back and neck is concerning and me having an overactive bladder does not help. I also nearly choked on my pasta the other day as food was lodged and I could not swallow. I had the wait a few agonising minutes whilst it slowly made its way down.
I wish I could be well and be happy but I am neither of these things.
I am signing off and will update again tomorrow no doubt.
22nd September 2023
Today I got up fairly early it was before 9 am may I add, and proceeded to turn off the heating I had al night as I was feeling extremely unwell and cold when I was trying to fall asleep the night before. I am not going to make a habit of it but, I had no choice.
After preparing some lunch I went on to tinker on this site and update the About Us page, which has taken me most of today to do.
My head is thumping and I feel physically sick. I have taken some painkillers but am not feeling too good today either. It does not help when I have to deal with stupid people who are too lazy to do the work and expect me to drop everything so that I do it for them. I won’t mention the entity but it rattles me that they get paid and do not do their jobs properly.
Moving on, the PRESSURE of life and its problems I just wish someone could just step in and say everything will be fine, just back relax and I will take care of it. My ex-husband took care of things for me and now I have to fend for myself. I am not looking for a relationship this is something I will never engage in. They say never say never but I know for a fact I do not want to be involved with anyone ever again after my last relationship after my divorce.
Until tomorrow…goodnight 20.17 p.m.
Here I go again, my headache has been lingering for the last few days and I am wondering if has it something to do with my cerebellar atrophy or if is it a build-up of stress that is causing my head to pound. Surprisingly I did do some work today, I edited the About Us page and created a new page on content writing as well as published two articles.
My mood is still the same I am very sad and am fighting the demons that keep reminding me that my parents, brother, and ex-husband are not here.
I am also under a whole lot of pressure with my rent increase which has caused me financial difficulty. My anxiety, depression, and OCD are going through the roof.
Despite this, I am trying my hardest to stay positive even though I have negative intrusive thoughts a thousand times a day.
I wish someone would just help me make all my worries go away.
I am now going to chill for the rest of the weekend. My knee is playing up and so is the pain in the back of my neck. My bladder, I have no words other than GOD help the GP when I finally get the strength to contact them again.
I wish anyone reading this a nice Sunday x.
More dates will be published whenever I have any updates.
PTSD – Post Traumatic Stress Disorder – Personal Story.
Over the years I have endured many traumatic events, including domestic violence, the death of close family members, a car accident, and other life-changing incidents.
I have written articles about grief and how I have coped over the years plus I have cited source information on proven ways to help with, depression, anxiety, and stress disorders.
I have moments that trigger memories of past events like the time a criminal investigation officer (CID in 2011) walked into my property with another officer without knocking, being threatening, and taking my 10 yr old daughter into the kitchen, by himself to get her version of events, whilst I had the other officer talking to me in the living room because I would not press charges against the person that assaulted me. I ended up reporting him to the Police Ombudsman and he was demoted as a consequence.
So for anyone that comes into my property unannounced I start to get panic attacks and feel nauseous (28/11/22).
People who do not know my history and have not walked in my shoes have not got a clue what I have gone through, hence I plan to write my autobiography in order for the world to know so that people stop judging me.
Yes, I get judged because of my disabilities but it is because of the trauma that I have endured is why I have the disabilities.
I suffer from cerebellar atrophy, (head trauma). I also suffer from anxiety, panic attacks, and intrusive thoughts. I have a bad knee from it being kicked seven times until it dislocated.
My therapy is to motivate and empower myself and learn about the mind. I am studying for a diploma in neuroplasticity and psychotherapy. I do not plan to change my career path, I just want to understand more about how the brain works and how I can re-wire my mind. This is just a personal goal.
I must admit I was shaken up today when I saw someone on the stairs but have got gradually over it by keeping myself busy as the day has progressed.
I tend to do a lot of research and writing so what happened a few hours ago is now in the past, although it was an unpleasant experience, which triggered my past memories, thus prompting me to write this article.
In hindsight, I should lock my flat door when I am inside but there is an outer door that a visitor must come through before opening my door. I am curious what would have happened if I was not home because obviously this entity must have had keys to get in or the flat below me let them in. However, if I was not home they would have needed keys to enter my flat.
“There should be a law that no one should enter the property without the tenant being present because what is to say that a contractor does not help themselves to valuables? You would have no proof they stole anything unless you had CCTV installed”. Yes, I may be accused of being distrusting, but over my lifetime I have been very trusting and people have abused my trust.
Overview – Post-traumatic stress disorder
Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) is an anxiety disorder caused by very stressful, frightening, or distressing past events.
Symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD)
Someone with PTSD often relives the traumatic event through nightmares and flashbacks and may experience feelings of isolation, social disconnection, irritability, anger, and guilt. People often have trouble sleeping, such as insomnia, and find concentrating difficult. These symptoms are often severe and persistent enough to have a significant impact on the person’s day-to-day life.
Changes in Physical and Emotional Reactions
Patients are characterized by having:
Anger issues, short tempers, jumpiness, and irritability
Short attention span, with no patience
High blood pressure or hyperventilation
Nausea or diarrhea
Cognitive and mood symptoms
The negative outlook on life, yourself, and others
Loss of hope for the future
Lapses in memory about the traumatic experience
Self-blame and guilt
Losing interest in previously enjoyable activities
Detachment from family members
For a PTSD diagnosis, a person must experience one or more re-experiencing symptoms and one or more avoidance symptoms. Also, they will need to display two or more changes in physical and emotional reactions and two or more cognitive and mood symptoms.
Risk and Resilience Factors
According to the National Institute of Mental Health, mental health disorders such as depression, anxiety, stress, and substance abuse often accompany post-traumatic stress disorder. Additionally, there are risk factors that can increase the likelihood of experiencing symptoms of PTSD, such as:
A history of alcohol and drug abuse
No support system or social interaction following traumatic events
Experiencing prolonged trauma
High levels of stress in everyday life
Mental illness in oneself or relatives
Careers that have a high risk of exposure to a traumatic event, for example, military servicemembers or first responders
Gender: women are more likely to experience certain symptoms of PTSD
A domino effect of consequences, such as grief from separation from a partner, not having anyone to turn to, and losing a job, following a traumatic experience
Resilience factors that reduce the risk of having PTSD following traumatic events include:
Having a support group
Seeking out therapy
Having healthy personal relationships
Being able to control reactions related to fear and anger
Early intervention and PTS treatment, before it develops into a disorder
Having social and emotional support from an early age
Having positive coping mechanisms
Causes of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD)
Any situation that a person finds traumatic can cause PTSD.
These can include:
the sudden death of a loved one
a breakup with a partner
serious road accidents
domestic violence, such as sexual assault, rape, mugging or robbery
serious health problems
childbirth experiences, miscarriages
PTSD can develop immediately after someone experiences a disturbing event. Sufferers of trauma may have symptoms of PTSD for many months or years.
PTSD is estimated to affect about 1 in every 3 people who have a traumatic experience, but it’s not clear exactly why some people develop the condition and others do not.
Complex post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD)
People who experience multiple traumatic events in the course of their lifetime from situations such as severe neglect, abuse, or violence, may be diagnosed with complex PTSD. Complex PTSD can cause similar symptoms to PTSD and may not develop until years after the event. It’s often more severe if the trauma was experienced early in life, as this can affect a child’s development.
When to get medical advice
After you have experienced trauma you may feel life unbearable and very overwhelmed with the feeling the whole world is crashing down around you. You must seek professional help as quickly as possible to try and get your mental health under control. It’s normal to be very upset and confused.
The best thing you can do other than to see your doctor is to distract yourself and make yourself busy. Distractions could include, art therapy, going for a walk, meeting people, reading, and learning a new skill. Join support groups online if you feel you cannot interact physically.
You should speak with your GP first who can refer you to mental health specialists and advice you on all your different options for getting therapy.
I have in my time gone to psychiatrists and have also done CBT therapy but for me personally learning how to block out intrusive thoughts through accredited courses helps me to become an expert on how my mind works and what I can do to get better.
Learning is not for everyone, but as long as you write your thoughts down and release them to the universe you are one step closer to recovery.
How post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) is treated
PTSD in many cases can be treated, even when it develops many years after a traumatic event.
A person suffering from anxiety and depression has to want to recover. It cannot be forced. It is a gradual process and it takes time. A person needs to take small steps, a day at a time.
Food for thought -This is more so for people who have done your wrong, abused, and hurt you. If you are a believer in God you may want to get the quote from Mathew 6 in the Bible that is to forgive the person that has done you wrong, thus God will forgive your sins and will take care of the rest. Who is more powerful than you to take revenge on the person that has hurt you, God of course…
Any of the following treatment options may be recommended:
watchful waiting – monitoring your symptoms to see whether they improve or get worse without treatment
I start today with an example of a person (my neighbor) that showed narcissistic traits, not to me may I add but to a ‘Tesco Delivery Driver’ that came to deliver my shopping.
I was in the middle of a business call when my delivery arrived and my daughter came to meet and greet the female driver. The driver was very young (18 to be exact) and happened to say her age and brief bio to my daughter after the incident.
There is a reason for me to point out the gender, bear with me…
My argument would have been would my neighbor have had the balls to come out and rant to a man if they were older than this girl? This was a show of intimidation and disrespect. This was to show that he seems to think he has some authority and looks down at people whilst in the next breath is two-faced and nice to you when it suits him. Ironically he has two daughters both in their twenties and early thirties and this girl is someone’s daughter.
Basically, what had happened the driver pulled up close to my neighbor’s car, (not a supercar but an old saloon banger) and he came out of his house ranting that the van was too close to his car. The van would have been offloading no more than 10 minutes if that but he was having none of it, the van was too close for his comfort. Anyway, he then called the driver a “Stupid B#tch”. The young girl after he had gone burst into tears and said under normal circumstances she may have dismissed the rudeness but the fact she heard that her Grandmother had died as she started her shift her emotions got the better of her.
“You do not know what is going on in a person’s life, so be careful what you say”!
Bearing in mind that this very neighbor was an employee of Tescos and so was his daughter, makes me wonder how he got the job when he speaks to people in this way. It’s a pity that I was not there to see and hear what went on as I would have put in my ten penneth.
My daughter immediately relayed what had happened.
Being a self-centered narcissist will eventually catch up with you.
As I keep telling everyone and anyone that listens if you find it in your heart to forgive God or a high Power (The Universe) will forgive you and will punish the person that has done you wrong.
Name-calling is my neighbor’s speciality, I can totally believe what has happened, as it is not the first time I have heard this same person name-calling and stating that the house I reside in looks like the Addams Family home. I rent one of the apartments and it is not my responsibility to take care of the exterior. Although he could be referring to us on a more personal note. 🤣😂
Name-calling, being spiteful, and being unkind is wrong on so many levels. You do not know what someone is going through when you open your mouth. It can actually affect someone’s mental health if you do not put your brain in gear before putting your mouth in motion. I am trusting God or the Universe to punish him seeing as I have let it go and have forgiven him.
Wouldn’t it be cool if I could buy the property I live in and see their mortified faces that I am here to stay? They would no longer be able to report me to my landlord, and not being picked on would be one for the books. Imagine parking my brand spanking new 4×4 Porsche Carerra or my GMC Hummer SUV and then telling him that he has parked too close. 🤣😂.
If you have positive thoughts, you can manifest anything, as it says in the bible “Matthew 13:12 Whoever has will be given more, and he will have an abundance. Whoever does not have, even what he has will be taken away from him.”. Meaning if you think negatively only negative things will continuously come into your life, but if you think positively and imagine you already have what you want it will one day manifest itself but you have to believe.
Why People Do Not Care.
People only care if they are directly affected by something or someone. They only care about themselves and their close network of friends and family. Yes you see activists rebelling for the sake of the world, yet you have world leaders b#mbing and k#lling innocent people. You have poverty, famine, homelessness (not every homeless person is a crackhead), and third-world countries. People do not care.
In fact whilst I was in an abusive relationship instead of this neighbor calling the Police, where I could have been saved from a beating when he heard a commotion, reported me to the landlord. This just shows that people simply do not care other than about themselves and their family and friends, but that is it.
My neighbor will one day realize without me mentioning his name that he has done wrong when I publish my book.
My neighbor is the type of person that will chat 💩 about you to my landlord and the community and people would believe it. So I hear you say if I am so unhappy where I live, why don’t I move, well the answer is simple I will when the time is right, or I could just stay put and buy the house as an investment and rattle my neighbors even more.
It really rattles me when people are not kind and considerate and put some thought into what they say before opening their mouths. No wonder I have social disconnection issues.
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