Renata’s Health Diary 2024 (Self-Help Therapy)

Forgiveness I will forgive everyone who does me wrong or tries to harm me.

  • Luke 6.37 “Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven.
  • Acts 2.38 Peter replied, “Repent and be baptized, every one of you, in the name of Jesus Christ for the forgiveness of your sins. And you will receive the gift of the Holy Spirit.
  • Romans 12:14  We should bless those who persecute us and not curse them. We are to pray for them and ask God to bless them because they need His mercy just as much as we do.
  • When you pray for those who hurt you or mistreat you, God will give you the grace to forgive them, and in so doing, you will heap burning coals of fire upon their heads (Proverbs 25:22).
  • Romans 12:19  Says that revenge belongs to God and He will repay those who hurt us when the time is right and it’s not for us to seek revenge on people who have hurt us in one way or the other.

Let’s just say whatever goes wrong in someone’s life that has attempted to harm me and I have forgiven them, they have only themselves to blame. I have restored my faith and will leave God to do his deeds!

A Journey to Empowerment and Resilience

As the clock struck midnight on New Year’s Eve, I found myself standing at the threshold of a brand new year, a new chapter in my life waiting to be written. Determined to make 2024 a year of positive transformation, I embarked on a journey of self-discovery, armed with a powerful tool that had been my companion through thick and thin – my health diary.

In the past, I have faced grief and trauma that could have easily consumed me, but my resilience and determination prevailed. I turn to the pages of my diaries as a sanctuary, a space where I can pour out my emotions, fears, and dreams. This year, as I stand on the precipice of new beginnings, I am committed to not only motivating and empowering myself but also extending a helping hand to others on their journey toward mental well-being.

In the face of the world’s challenges, I resolve to stay positive and spread positivity. Writing has been my refuge, a powerful tool that has helped me navigate the complexities of my mind. It has been a companion through the storms of depression and the struggles with obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD). Each word on the page has been a step towards healing, a declaration of my resilience against the demons that sought to hold me captive.

The act of journaling has provided me with clarity, focus, and a sense of purpose. It has been a constant reminder that even in the darkest moments, there is a light within that can guide us towards hope. By documenting my thoughts and experiences, I have been able to create a roadmap to mental well-being, finding solace in the written words that speak of my triumphs and challenges.

As I step into the new year, I am not only committed to my personal growth but also to the expansion of Disabled Entrepreneur – Disability UK. This platform has been a beacon of support for individuals facing challenges due to disabilities, and my goal is to elevate it to new heights. I envision creating a site that everyone will rave about, a space where stories of resilience, empowerment, and success shine brightly.

One of my primary objectives is to inspire people to share their stories. Through shared narratives, we not only connect on a deeper level but also create a sense of community that fosters understanding and empathy. I believe that by opening up about our experiences, we can break down the stigma surrounding mental health and disabilities, encouraging others to embark on their journey of self-discovery and healing.

In 2024, my health diary will continue to be my confidante, witnessing the highs and lows of my life. But beyond my musings, it will also serve as a platform to inspire and uplift others. Together, let us turn the pages of our diaries, write new chapters, and make memories that resonate with strength, resilience, and unwavering positivity. This is not just a journey for myself but a collective odyssey towards a healthier, happier, and more empowered life.

Blue Butterfly

February 2024

27th February 2024 – (20.56 hrs).

My message yesterday was short lived as i am back again on here today albeit it will be short and sweet. I worry about my big mouth sometimes as I am very opinionated always have always will be hence have never got on with teachers when I was younger or people of authority and as they say the pen is mightier than the sword I feel I am slaying who ever gets in my way. I am grateful i have had 20 signups today on this site, so I must be doing something right. I have stepped back from writing other than this update as I am feeling overwhelmed and extremely depressed. It is ironic I have over 12k connection on LinkedIn and 4.5K connections on Facebook but have no one to talk to.

Anyway I have said enough already, this was just a quick check in to say how I am feeling today.

Goodnight x –(21.10 hrs).

26th February 2024 – 13.29 hrs

Well, I did it I sent the letters that were hanging over my head, and now all I have to contend with is the hosting provider and that is all I am doing for the rest of the day other than responding to emails.

As for my health, I am extremely anxious regarding the PIP sh#t show. I am trying to stay positive but my head is playing mind games. I feel physically sick, and light-headed, and I have growing pain from the top of my left thigh going right down my leg whilst my right knee is throbbing.

I re-read one of the transcripts from last year and the evil biased entity of DWP/PIP who does not know me and has never witnessed anything I do had the audacity to make judgemental assumptions. I am more determined than ever to study law so that I become a permanent thorn in their side.

If this has happened to me I dread to think about people who have not got a voice or a platform to vent on.

I am extremely sad but my site is empowering me with all the kind words people send me via email telling me they are inspired by my work.

I want to help as many people as I can, but first I need to take care of myself and it is hard when I am constantly depressed which causes my OCD to get worse, it is a vicious cycle and I want to break free but can’t.

I am toying with the idea of writing one chapter of my life at a time but need to decide on which website to do it on, as I also have my personal brand, and I may start on the latter as it needs a bit of TLC a bit like me.

I am not sure when I will update next as I need to step back as everything is very overwhelming at the moment and I am on the verge of tears every day and today is worse than any other day.

Hasta la vista x

24th February 2024 – 16.45 pm

As I write this I have anxiety as I am now worried me opening my big mouth can cause me to have a meltdown. Self-inflicted I know if I know that the information I share may get me some flack. But I am only speaking my mind and even though there is no such thing as free speech nowadays with all the censorship that goes on it does not stop me from having a rant on here. I try and comment on newspapers whenever I can but sometimes comments are blocked. This does not stop me because I write my version and link the original article, but I guess not everyone has that luxury.

As for my hosting provider, I sent an email with my disdain yesterday to three departments, and has anyone gotten back to me, like hell, have they. You just wait until Monday comes, I will be on the blower first thing giving them a piece of my mind.

I am livid as they took out money for 36 contracts I did not agree to and charged me for the liberty.

I am 95% finished writing my letters which I will send to the tribunal and capita complaints but I have a hunch I may have to get human rights involved which will be more time trying to sort this sh#t out.

The anxiety, stress, depression, and intrusive thoughts are making my OCD bad. The person who responded to me from capita on the 12th who was too chicken sh#t to share their name, I forgive them and let God do his deeds to punish them.

Like I keep saying I have renewed my faith and am praying every night and sometimes even in the morning. I have noticed subtle changes and “I AM GRATEFUL” for everything good that comes my way, including the 25th-anniversary discount. I even pray again just thanking God, Jesus, and the Universe.

The only other thing that is bothering me right now is how cold it is. I feel drafts when I am in the kitchen and the bathroom and am freezing in the living room without the heating on. I dread my bill in April.

I am also curious what has happened to the tenants downstairs, they told me they were leaving on the 19th and would say their goodbyes but never did.

I am apprehensive when I am alone in the house if my daughter is in UNI or out with her BF. I feel vulnerable as I do not have my knight in shining armour anymore my ex-husband God bless his soul. I did miss him even when he was alive as he was my protector. I guess everything happens for a reason. I learned a lot after the security company went bust and I was left to pick up the pieces. Considering the company was only trading for 3 years I became wiser as I have now been trading for 14 years in my current position, so that must say something.

I know this site is Gold to me and so is ‘Cymru Marketing Journal’ and I will just have to persevere.

I am praying that I will find an investor to help me. I do not want loans as that is what caused the security companies’ demise.

I will just have to muster on the best way I can.

My nerves and anxiety are shot and I could easily just go back to sleep, but am fighting to have a productive day what is left of it.

I am also anxious about sending an invoice to one of my clients whose website is up for renewal, she is going to have a shock if she wants to move to another provider because there will be transfer fees for all the data and domain names. Hopefully next month I will be more financially stable.

The other thing that is on my mind is the amount of developers who keep reminding me I do not have Google & Bing Business Pages. I know full well I am losing business hand over fist.

Anyway, I need to put the heating on as the temperature is unbearable and finish off the article I started yesterday.

I doubt I will be updating again today, so enjoy your Saturday, what’s left of it.

Bye for now x (17.32)

24th February 2024 – 04.37 am

What a day yesterday, with the hosting provider f#cking up big time and when I phone I might as well have been talking to a brick wall. On top of this, they charged my bank and now I have to claw it back.

On another note, I decided to make headway with DWP/PIP which I plan to send Monday. It will give me extra time to write an article on trigger questions and suicidal questions. Just the thought of it makes me feel uneasy. It brings back memories of how I wanted my narcissistic ex to finish me off because the torture was unbearable. I have suppressed a lot of it, and have conditioned myself to believe it happened to someone else and not me. Having to write about it in my response to DWP/PIP was triggering and now as I wind down I am trying to not let it get to me.

I am sad every day, I have been sad for over 30 years with one thing and another. I wrote about grief, hoping it would help me in some way, if anything it may help someone else.

As I stated on the homepage this site was initially for me as self-help therapy but has escalated to something bigger. I am sad every day and I hate all the problems, which I pray every day to go away. I am sad because no matter what I do my life seems at a standstill. I am sad because I hate my body having to go to the loo every 1.5 hours I am sad because I have no one helping me and the ones in my close circle are just waiting for me to fail. I am sad because I am not normal and cannot lead a normal life. I am sad because I have OCD. I am sad for a lot of reasons, but am fighting each day that tomorrow or later today will be better than the day before.

I think I just need to get some sleep.

Goodnight x – 04.58 hours (and PIP reckons I only work 6 hours a week).

23rd February 2024 – 01.15 am

As you can imagine I got up late in the afternoon yesterday and no sooner got a text and Whatsapp message from my landlord’s agent. I do not know what is going on but the agent wanted to arrange another EPC inspection even though I had one last year this time she said by law I needed to have my windows measured. I think she thinks I am stupid. I wrote on my other site and linked the landlords and tenants resource page and nowhere does it say EPC inspections measure windows. For clarity, I have single-glazed, and putting double-glazed is two and a half decades too late so if say 20% of my annual heating comes to £600 per annum x 25 years then the landlord would have to compensate me £15k. I need to have an energy loss audit done not another EPC which is not due for another couple of years and will not be added to the Gov database until the time of renewal. I told the agent I was not feeling up to having visitors as I was unwell (which is 100% true) and asked her to postpone the visit. I aim to measure the windows myself, so I wonder what the excuse will be to gain access. She offered an anniversary discount on my rent even though there is no such thing (although I AM VERY GRATEFUL) I accepted it because I need all the help I can get at the moment.

As for my health, I was physically sick (vomited) about an hour ago, I felt my stomach bloated and had to go to the loo to throw up. All this stress is now affecting me physically.

I will try to go to sleep within the next hour to crack on the two report letters I need to send sooner rather than later. I managed to write three articles today and had some feedback from my hosting provider who still has not apologized for what they put me through and am still waiting on the credits.

I hope I will feel less stressed after I get some shut-eye.

Goodnight and God Bless x (00.37am)

21st February 2024 – 00.07 am

Look at me I am doing a fairly early entry.

How did my day pan out yesterday well I got up at 14.30 hours, procrastinated most of the day, and farted around responding to emails. I did not do three pressing things as fear tends to take over me a lot. Tomorrow or shall I say today is another day. I have also had teething problems with this site and have no one to help me. Money is tight at the moment because of red tape. I aim to write about everything that is on my mind in due course, either on the site or on my personal brand (iRenata).

One thing for certain is I am going to have a go at studying to be a:

“Human Rights Lawyer”

Enrollment isn’t until August so I have plenty of time. I am also trying to encourage my daughter to do her master’s in marketing and be picky with the jobs she applies for because of her age and little experience employers can be picky. I would ideally like her to join me but I will let her make her mind up. Being self-employed is hard work and you have to hustle 24/7. My disabilities get in my way as I cannot physically interact with people. Studying Law will give me the upper hand and give me more clout in what I am doing now.

Whenever I comment on newspaper articles I use my username iRenatadotcom which if anyone wanted to use their heads would translate to

Ideally, I want more business and every day I advertise myself in one way or another.

How am I feeling mentally, I feel tearful, tired, and on tenterhooks. OCD is getting very expensive for me I go through 1.5 litres of Dettol a week and my gloves are about 300 pairs.

I feel it is going to be a long night again tonight. Might chill out and watch something for 30 minutes or so to preoccupy my mind, instead of thinking of the problems I have got, which I am confident will get over but the question is how fast?

Anyway, Goodnight x – 00.30 pm.

20th February 2024 – 03.59 am

Despite me saying I was going to have an early night, it did not happen and yesterday I did not want to miss a Microsoft webinar, I set my alarm, downloaded Teams onto my phone, and amazing mixed up the time because as I signed in the webinar ended. This was my second attempt to learn about AI and missed it twice. I ended up falling back asleep and rose 15.30 hours which was very unusual for me.

I decided to then make a go of writing up my research for my defense, with PIP/DWP I have already written the foundations of both letters I just need to dot the i’s and cross the t’s.

I have learned a lot about my disability in the process even though it does not help to have this knowledge when one is constantly on tenterhooks, worried and anxious. I am so desperately trying to fight my depression and my intrusive thoughts. There is a particular number I am avoiding and if happens to be an email with that number I feel sick.

It is hard to describe the feeling but my heart starts racing and I automatically get anxious.

I want my nightmare to be over and for me to start to rebuild my life and be happy again.

I am constantly worried, about a whole bunch of things, hence stay up into the early hours.

I am signing off it is 04.12 am now, I need to get some shut-eye and turn the heating on as my knee is throbbing with pain from the cold.

I must be doing something right as I have had a lot of sign-ups in the last 2 to 3 weeks.

I intend to try and post once a day to keep my audience entertained.

Goodnight, although by rights I should be saying Good Morning x

19th February 2024 – 03.07 am

I have not updated this part of the journal for a few days, as I have many things going on in my head. I have been working until the early hours most days the last few weeks, and one of the nights I did not go to sleep until 8 am.

I have a few pressing things I need to deal with and it rattles me when certain entities are dismissive as if my word counts for nothing and I am insignificant. For instance, I have had a response from one of the organizations I am dealing with who has downplayed my complaint and given a hollow apology. I do not accept apologies and never ask for them as they mean nothing, I am too long in the tooth to be hoodwinked by anyone. I know my rights and I will fight for them and fight for all the people out there that have been trampled on.

I am going to make this short and sweet as I have no energy left to keep on writing, at least not for a few more hours.

Goodnight x – 03.19 am

16th February 2024

Instead of having a stressless day yesterday, I spent all morning sorting out the sh#t show from my hosting provider who claimed I owed two months’ payments. No apology, so I wrote in my disclaimer on my brand I will invoice entities that make me do research and waste my time, but the ice on the cake was the response from DWP that claimed they have not done anything wrong even though I have damming evidence to contradict them.

Why do they think they can walk all over people and disregard their disabilities, well I am fighting for justice not just for me but everyone else that has been treated like vermin.

Although I love writing this report I am doing hard work and I am on the verge of tears.

They still claim my OCD is irrelevant, we will see about this because I am to take this to the European Court of Human Rights (ECHR) if I have to and let every journalist have a field day.

I thought I would quickly check in at 01.01 before tackling the gorilla again.


14th February 2024

Happy Valentine’s to me and you. I did not get a card and frankly, I do not care. I do not care if someone loves me or cares about me, I know I love myself, and that’s all that matters.

As for my health, I am physically and mentally exhausted. They say don’t fix something that’s not broken and what did I do I only re-designed my site after watching a film on Netflix in the middle of the night. Instead of going to sleep like any normal person, but then again I am not normal, I decided to do some work past midnight which took me up until 5 am to fix.

My ocd as I keep reiterating is on another level, no thanks to DWP/PIP. I am trying to muster the courage to go through the 386-page transcript but somehow am putting it off. I got up pretty late this afternoon past mid-day. I should not have taken my meds but out of habit popped a pill and now I feel like a zombie.

I also have someone on my ars#e who I am helping for free and got shirty with me because I cannot help them anymore, not for free anyway. There is no pleasing some people, no wonder I self isolate, after all, I am in the best company, me, myself and I.

I am knocking things on the head for the day, as I have had enough of everything including my website(s) and that is saying something.

I am going to chill for the rest of this evening.

It is 19.32 and am signing off. Perhaps tomorrow I will have more energy.

13th February 2024 – 01.32 am

I got up fairly early yesterday morning (a) because I was freezing even though I have my central heating on, but have single-glazed windows and the draft from the ground floor hallway radiators are never on and I have no control over it, so it’s like the north pole and there is nothing I can do to keep my place warm. I rent so it’s not as if I can do anything structurally and my landlord does not care. (b) I had to get up early as I was expecting a Tesco delivery.

I managed to do some work, published two articles, and was on my third until my computer which has the latest antivirus had a mind of its own and did not let me update or publish my third. Ironically the article is about stress even though I envisaged throwing my computer through a window, as that is how much it infuriates me.

I did have some news today, a letter from the Tribunal giving DWP until the 6th of March 2024 to respond, which gives me enough time to get my report together over the 386-page transcripts they sent me. I highly doubt they will address the disability discrimination or the emotional distress let alone the data breach which they are not taking seriously.

As for my OCD it is right off the Richter scale as I brushed past the wall on the corridor again and had a strong urge to strip and wash my clothes again, I resisted (ERT) and sprayed myself down with undiluted Dettol, even though I have done this despite many hours have gone by I still feel uncomfortable. I have this persistent nagging thought in my head that I am contaminated and dirty and cannot seem to shake the feeling off even though I doused myself with disinfectant. No doubt if I still feel dirty later today I will just throw my clothes in that wash.

I am trying to stay positive and push myself but it is hard when I am doing everything I can think of and only hearing crickets. I have no one to discuss this with, no one I know in my close network understands me or wants to know other than my daughter and she has enough on her plate without me adding to her plate.

I should just reach out to one of my connections (I have nearly 12K followers on LinkedIn and 4.5K on Facebook) and get the conversation going. I did have someone from a disability magazine wanting to talk to me a while back so when I agreed he blew me off.

I know to keep on digging and eventually strike gold, but it is hard when you have all the elements against you. I have stopped reading about the wars and the inflation as it just makes me sad. I just concentrate on articles about business and health.

I have to do a Banner AD for someone for free later today, they did not offer to pay even though they know it is a chargeable service, and I am thinking if I help people then GOD will see I am doing good and bless me.

I am starting to doubt myself and feel I have imposter syndrome some days, but on other days I just say sod what other people think, they do not control me.

Hopefully, people will be impressed with the report I will be doing for the court and I will be doing it for my defense, perhaps then someone might hire me.

I am signing off, it is 02.11 am I am off to sleep.

Goodnight x

12th February 2024 – 00.52 am

They claim there is nothing wrong with me, so explain would a normal person during the time of washing the dishes, with dirty water splashing on their arm and the top they were wearing, and after brushing past the wall of the corridor with her posterior have a meltdown and have to take their clothes off and put them in the wash. Well that happened to me yesterday and whilst I am sitting down I am ok but the moment I move about I have to be careful what I touch. That’s not normal.

I am ok in the virtual world but in the physical realm, my behavior is questionable and sometimes very embarrassing. Going back to the 386 documents I received the other day I am mortified at how many people read the notes because quite frankly it was humiliating. They dare to redact their names in most cases but spread my details for all of sundry to read. I have often wondered who the puppeteers are and I envisage dark entities and no word of a lie the one entity that did come forth with their name was called ‘Raven’ the word itself portrays either a blackbird that guards the Tower of London or something metaphysical. I did look up the name on Facebook and to my surprise there are many Christian names and Surnames, so I have learned something new and I should not be prejudiced. I apologize if I offended anyone as I never knew the name of the person existed. I guess people call their children all sorts of names nowadays, so I should not judge. Once again I apologize if I offended I didn’t mean to.

I am knocking my journalling on the head for now and will try to get some sleep.

Notice that it took me 37 minutes just to write today’s small entry. Just making a point about how long it takes me to do things.

Signing off at 01.29 Goodnight.

10th February 2024 – 03.36 am

It is 03.36 as I write this entry and have worked none stop writing an article for my evidence which I plan to submit to the Tribunal next week. It all started when I got up around 14.00 hours yesterday afternoon. I was so drowsy as I am now working consecutive days until the early hours all this week. The problem is I have intrusive thoughts and if I do not finish something no matter how tired I am I cannot just leave it alone and come back to it as my intrusive thoughts plant negative seeds in my head. I do try fighting them off but my mind overpowers me. So back yesterday, I got a 386-page document from DWP with all the notes backdated to 2010, any need as all I wanted was last year’s and this year’s notes? However, I did come across notes from my previous assessment in 2018 which I will be using as evidence. I found so many inconsistencies and it is going to take me a whole day to put another report together but now I am doing the job of a solicitor and I have already done the backbone in the article I published not so long ago, just check the time the article is dated it will corroborate that I am still working at an ungodly hour.

I noticed in all the communication with the assessor and myself not once did we ever talk about the time it takes me to do things or how many times I have to get changed and wash my clothes because I accidentally brushed against something and it contaminated me. Not once was my quarantined area spoken about or how I had to wash and clean everything before I touched it.

Ironically, I could not access the password-encrypted document yesterday where the agent said it had sensitive data, the very same data that was sent by 2nd class Royal Mail and was lost in the post. The very same data that another agent said it was not a DWP problem if the information got lost in the post. I could not copy and paste the document because it is protected from copying but I got around that by taking screenshots of the relevant pages which I will be citing. My work is being affected because of this sh#t show, I am neglecting my clients because I am farting around with this. Like I said it was never about the money originally, although now I am finding things difficult because my health interferes with me working proactively.

It has always been how I have been treated and how other people are being treated that do not have a voice. God knows how many people have read this case and it seems a bit of a coincidence I have had an influx of subscribers the last couple of days.

Anyway here is the article I published earlier:

I wrote this article to teach these people about OCD Germ Contamination & Intrusive Thoughts. I am curious how the GP did not cite I have OCD despite me having medication every month for it, and how they refused to hand over my medical records, which I provided from what I had archived, even though DWP had records from 2009 on their system. The name on the GP consent form was redacted although I do have the name of the assessor and no one by that name is working at my GP surgery. It seems the assessor was from the GP, which I will soon find out. I think I am going to have to bite the bullet and request an online consultation or phone call to discuss this because it does not take a rocket scientist to buy a £5.00 ink stamp and put the name of a GP Surgery on it. There was even a payment slip for the GP surgery to claim back expenses for a document that had little information on it. I smell something fishy here.

Why have they redacted their names (even though I know some of the names) why all the cloak and daggers, yet are publishing my data for all of sundry to read and sending it second-class Royal Mail?

I question the authenticity of that GP consent document embedded into the 386-page notes, considering I provided DWP with the information. The name of the assessor does not exist unless this is a fictitious name. I even got AI to search for her and it came up with nothing.

In one part of the notes it said I have no skin irritation, I did publish this image last year in the other health diary, what is this called if not a skin irritation? When washing up I have to triple-layer latex gloves under rubber gloves and if dirty dishwater splashes on my arms I have to disinfect myself and change my clothes. You can view the skin irritation below. It is not just dirty dishwater, as an example the cat’s wet food could splash on my arms, or if I am preparing food and I touch something with my bare skin by accident. There are lots of different scenarios that can cause my OCD to trigger intrusive thoughts and compulsions.

Hand Skin Irritation From Hand Washing in Disinfectant.
Hand Irritation From Using Disinfectant. 17th December 2023

I am knocking things on the head for today and no doubt will be sleeping in again.

I have a mental block as it is getting super late it is 04.51 hours and have forgotten to say something in the entry, if it comes back to me I will update it in due course. You can see that I will not leave a post of importance as I would never be able to fall asleep. Lately, I have been procrastinating during the day and get sudden bursts of energy but yesterday I was working nonstop until the early hours this morning.

Off-topic, I do not know if you believe in the supernatural, afterlife, ghosts, or shadow people but I do see dark shadows moving, sometimes and because I have renewed my faith I pray every night before I go to sleep or if I forget then as soon as I wake.

Whatever I wanted to add to the post has gone out of my head for now, oh I know it was the bit about the phonecall I have had all the transcripts of all the inbound calls I made but have not had the transcript of the outbound call the assessor made. Why is she not providing this information I have requested several times. I want to prove there are inconsistencies and cross-reference the transcript I made as we were talking. I know what I exactly said from my notes and would be interesting to find out what notes she made and also the telephone recording which no one is coming forth with.

I am signing off at 05.03

As usual Goodnight.

10th February 2024 – 19.33 pm

Just a quick update, I ended up going to sleep at 8 am and woke at 13.30, I am keeping my final entry for today short I managed to write and publish another article: It was fitting to write about this as it is trending. I noticed even more signups today. I figured out that maybe someone out there will hire me if they enjoy the content I provide and the quality. Perhaps they can invest in me considering I need to boost my finances.

I am physically and mentally exhausted and anxious for several reasons, including DWP/PIP and abandoning my work commitments due to my health. I have some clients waiting on me and I have not done the work as I feel burned out.

Hopefully, next, we will be more positive.

Wishing everyone a nice Sunday ahead and for anyone wanting to journal like me, I can offer them space on this site to release their thoughts. Share your story and inspire people.

Did I forget to mention I am affiliated with Ooops? and am considering studying human rights law this year. I may have OCD but I am not stupid.

9th February 2024

I ended up going to sleep at 06.30 am yesterday and got up at 12.30. I missed to webinar on a Microsoft Event which I am gutted about and there was no replay. It is 01.37 am now and around midnight I had a sudden burst of energy and published 5 pre-written articles, all I had to do was edit the articles and perform SEO. However all day yesterday I was procrastinating and was not focused. I spent a good few hours watching reels on Facebook. I did some cooking and all week the food has tasted bland it is as if my taste buds have gone on holiday. I did not phone the council even though I kept saying every day all week I would and kept putting it off for another day.

I had to get up not so long ago as I could not take the excruciating pain in my knee any longer, I usually have to sprint to the bathroom every 1.5 hours with my overactive bladder, but it was not the case for me going to the toilet but the agony my knee was causing as my central heating switched itself off and when the temperature drops I am in a lot of pain. I wrote an article about temperature drops the other day: I am not going to even think how much my bill is going to be when I eventually get around to giving them a meter reading. I think that utility companies should subsidize bills for the elderly, the vulnerable, and people with illnesses.

My Mental Health

I am getting extremely anxious about what DWP, Capita, and the Tribunal are doing because I feel I have been stonewalled. Maybe they think if they keep quiet I will go away, well they have another thing coming if that’s the case.

I am starting to get a list of disability discrimination journalists together because I feel my story should be told:

  • Frances Ryan: Frances Ryan is a British journalist and author who writes extensively about disability rights, social justice, and inequality. She has contributed to The Guardian, New Statesman, and other publications. You can find her work on her website or follow her on Twitter.
  • Saba Salman: Saba Salman is a freelance journalist who covers disability, social affairs, and human rights. She has written for The Guardian, The Independent, and other outlets. You can connect with her on Twitter.
  • Liz Sayce: Liz Sayce is a disability rights advocate, researcher, and writer. She has held various leadership positions in disability organizations and has written extensively on disability policy and inclusion. While she’s not a journalist per se, her insights are valuable. You can find her work through her LinkedIn profile.
  • John Pring: John Pring is a disabled journalist who has been reporting on disability issues for nearly 25 years. He launched Disability News Service (DNS) in April 2009 to address the absence of in-depth reporting on issues affecting disabled people.

I feel I have been mistreated appallingly and can only imagine that I am not the only one in the same predicament. The pen is mightier than the sword and being an expert in SEO my articles are always ranked on the first pages of search engines. I believe I have a case to be answered which is motivating me to study human rights law.

I am getting physically tired now not just because of the fiasco but I am exhausted mentally and physically. I do not know what I am doing wrong in terms of lead generation I am getting a lot of subscribers, followers, and praises over the articles that are published but I do not seem to be getting any business even though I advertise all my services individually. I have tried outbound email marketing, affiliate marketing, and banner advertising and all I hear is crickets. I even have a donation page so that people can just donate £1.00 yet I do not even get a penny.

My work is starting to suffer because I am always behind and always playing catch up, because of carrying the world upon my shoulders.

I am trying to stay positive as I know I cannot be in this h#ll hole forever. At least Mr. Tibbles understands me.

Mr Tibbles The Cat Reporter Logo

Anyway, I have had enough for one day and am off to sleep.

I sign off at 02.30 hours.


8th February 2024

I am not having a good night, it has just gone past 3.00 am and I am still wide awake even though I took a sleeping pill hours ago. I have been writing on my other site to try and occupy my mind and tire myself out. I am getting anxious as I received part of my request from F.O.I. but they omitted the assessor’s transcript and I noticed some of the transcripts they sent me were edited.

I also took something personally as I commented on the Mail Online article about the controversy over the speech Rishi Sunak made about transgender all I said was “To Earn Respect, You Should Show Respect” and I had a thumbs down which has now set off my intrusive thoughts and am paranoid people hate me. The lesson here is if it is too hot in the kitchen, stay out, in other words, I am not commenting on anything controversial again as my brain cannot take negativity thrown my way. The world is truly an evil place.

Still no word about my complaint about disability discrimination, data breach, or emotional distress, and no update from the tribunal. It has been two weeks since I last contacted them. How long does it take to write a letter?

All of it is making me very unwell and one thing I managed to get resolved was EON Next after I threatened them with an invoice for wasting my time (chasing me for a non-existent missing payment).

I have so much weight on my shoulders and I have no one to help me.

I did a quote for a client of mine a couple of days ago and all I am hearing is crickets. Everything is getting to me. It is now 03.20 I am going to sign off for tonight and hopefully later today I won’t be feeling the way I do now. I wish I could wave a magic wand and make all my troubles go away.

On a positive note, I did notice a couple of things I had about 10 signups yesterday, and looking at my analytics people are reading my diary entries, maybe it’s the government who knows?


6th February 2024

Yesterday did not go as planned I was tossing and turning most of the morning as I was freezing and restless which resulted in me getting up at 12.45 pm Fortunately for me my daughter was also having a lie-in.

I have run out of energy drinks as that is all I drink and I am having withdrawal symptoms. I have ordered another Tesco shop for later on today as I cannot function without them. My sleeping pills make me so drowsy I am like the Walking Dead without my Monster Energy Drinks.

I managed to publish an article for one of my content writers today and answered a bunch of emails I abandoned all last week.

Hopefully, I will have more energy today after I go to sleep.

It is approx 00.12 so I am signing off. Goodnight!

Blue Butterfly

It is still the 6th today but coming up to 22.30 hours. I didn’t do what I was supposed to do today as I had a bad OCD moment twice to the point I had to wash my clothes twice and shower twice after each episode. It all started when Tesco did the delivery and when I unpacked the groceries from the crates on the landing I brushed past the wall with my backside, which set my OCD off. I was also expecting an Amazon delivery and was flustered with anxiety as I waited for my clothes to dry. I have answered the front door with only a hand towel covering my modesty in the past.

Although I woke up at 8 am considering I have had a few sleepless nights I managed to waste half a day because of my OCD. To top it all my stomach was bad but that could be because of my nerves which are completely shot. I am so under pressure to keep the wolves from my door. I am contemplating studying law this year and I wrote an article about utility companies harassing people and what they must do: . EON Next prompted me to do this article because a payment plan was set up in November and I am still being harrassed for a missing payment that I have not made. I also made them aware of who they were dealing with I also have an entity chasing me because one of my guest writers on my other site used a copyright image even though they purposely scanned my site which is prohibited and can incur penalties. I have blocked them from social media and my emails. If this was done intentionally then I would agree but it wasn’t hence I integrated a service called just to be in direct competition with these entities and help people not fall into the same trap as me.

I am so anxious about DWP, Capita (PIP), The Freedom OF Information, and the Tribunal as I have not heard anything, it’s as if they have all stonewalled me. I feel discriminated against and targeted.

I have so many issues I am dealing with at the moment and it’s all getting to me. Before anyone says to reach out to someone, please don’t insult my intelligence and teach me to such eggs. I have so many resources on this site but no one can help me other than GOD.

I am going to have an early night and resume what I should have started today but couldn’t because of my OCD, tomorrow.


5th February 2024

The night owl is out. It is a good job I went on my hosting provider’s website and managed to save myself £40 in domain renewal. I am struggling with my mental health and my finances at the moment with the cost of living price rises and if an MP has had a hissy fit that he cannot manage his mortgage payments when he earns £118K a year, how the h#ll are the rest of us supposed to survive?

On another note people take the p#ss, I had a client come to me because he wanted his analytics set up even though I sent him instructions. I was on the phone for an hour with him and mentioned he needed terms and conditions and a privacy policy, and a disclaimer, and his words to me were “Are you sure”, no I made it up you muppet. Why ask me for advice and then question me about the legitimacy of what I say?

I wrote the pages for him because he wanted content for his site but I am dammed if I am going to give it to him for free, considering he agreed to pay me there is no mention of it now. Like I said people take the p#ss.

My brother blew me off, maybe he read my entry from yesterday, however, he should never assume I am okay because some days I’m not.

So yesterday was eventful and there was drama because my daughter lost her credit card holder with her driving license and credit cards.

My anxiety is going through the roof, I have to contend with the council later today over the phone which I am dreading and will be giving the DWP an ultimatum if they do not respond to the tribunal court, I will be going to the human rights court. I will also be looking for disability journalists to write about the sh#t show I have gone through and how it has made me so unwell.

I live in a quarantined bubble and no one is allowed to enter my space.

Until next time.


4th February 2024

I have surprised myself the last couple of days as I have published over 25 articles on my brand site I did it with the view of getting my name out there considering ‘Martin Lewis’ From always has in the header title “Martin Lewis said this, that or the other”, so I have adopted his strategy in the hope that my pseudonym (iRenata) will get noticed and catch on. I could have said Renata Barnes but there are many Renata Barnes out there and even my maiden name there are entities with that surname which makes me skeptical, as my name is unusual. iRenata is not that rare either but when I get some money together I plan to trademark it or revert to “Renata Entrepreneur” which is long-winded and hard to spell.

I did write one article that I will use in my defense: Everything I do have an ulterior motive and am collating evidence to back my corner and also advocate for people that do not have a voice.

I have kept myself busy to drown out the echoes of sadness I feel constantly. I am so anxious the tribunal and DWP & PIP have stonewalled me. I have even found a solicitor, just in case, and have devised a road map of my plan of action.

I have suffered five months at the hands of these entities that think they can play God with people. I have the council to contend with on Monday as they are after me for council tax, where do they think I am going to pull money out of my ar#e?

My mental health has got so bad it has crossed my mind to start drinking, I haven’t drunk alcohol for many years as it always landed me in trouble, but drinking also numbs the emotional pain. My OCD is on another playing field and fortunately other than preparing food and going to the bathroom every 1.5 hours (because of my overactive bladder) I do not move much and sit in front of the computer all day and night. I have noticed I am very arrogant and blunt with my emails when I have around 500 a day to contend with, with most asking me to give them work or selling me services. I am not in a good place at the moment and later today I have to speak with someone who cannot follow simple instructions to set up his analytics. I do not like talking and even speaking with my brother every fortnight is becoming monotonous. It is the same regurgitated information week in, and week out.

The only person that means anything to me is my daughter everyone else can go to h#ll, oh wait a minute we are already in h#ll. Other than my daughter I have my platforms that keeps me busy and I know eventually I will reach my goal because I can already visualize it. One day my name will be in the news because one day someone will read what I have been through and will want to write about me.

I am motivated and inspired by Chef Andre Rush and his story: (If he can carry on, then anyone can, including me). I may reach out to him and thank him for being strong, mentally and physically, and motivating and empowering people.

Everyone deals with grief and trauma differently. I vent my anxiety out here so that I can release the energy out to the universe, this is what I call self-help therapy and it beats talking to some stranger.

I will try not to stay up too late even though it is already 02.07 am.

Yes, I am on the verge of crying again, but I hope I am helping someone out there and that the universe can see and hear me.

Until next time, Goodnight.

2nd February 2024

Yep, you guessed it I am still up. It is approx 02.40 am and my mind is all over the place. I have just taken a sleeping tablet not that it makes much good. I have edited my previous post as I need to refrain from sounding negative. I will edit another article on another site tonight and I am knocking the internet on the head for a few hours.

So it is a definite goodnight from me.

1st February 2024

I am on the verge of tears again.

I feel anxious that I have been stonewalled again by DWP & PIP over the two complaints and the tribunal that had a deadline of the 22nd of January 2024 and nothing, I have been met with silence. I am so tempted now to exercise the Human Rights Act and Disability Discrimination Act and get mainstream media involved. They say no news is good news and I hope and pray it will turn out ok.

I am starting to get chest pains when I get wound up, my OCD is through the roof and all I am doing is washing and cleaning rather than doing any work. I can’t sleep even though I have meds to send me to sleep but for the last fortnight, I have not been going to sleep until 4-5 am. I want my life to get better and I am doing everything I can to turn my life around. I have been focusing more on my personal brand and doing tutorials to show I have some authority over what I do. I wrote an article about “iRenata’s Guide On The Creation Of Money” and my search result was above “The Bank of England”. I managed to get my article indexed and ranked in less than 24 hours.

I wish I could say something wonderful for a change but even though I have over 12K connections on LinkedIn I do get lonely and just want to cry. Before anyone suggests I try to make friends online, unless they have something in common I would just be wasting my time where do you start?

I wish I had someone looking out for me for a change but I am all alone in this God-forsaken world. I wish I could just turn back time, I would have changed a lot of things. But it is what it is, I have to just soldier on.

I listened to a video that Jake Ducey released the other day about things that are holding you back.

Feng Shui

If I was to declutter I would need skips to get rid of all the sh#t I have accumulated over the years. As it stands I walk with blinkers on metaphorically speaking. Now that I am near enough at the end of my rant for today utter sadness has flooded my emotions and my heart is pounding and I feel sick. I will continue journalling and praying and hopefully, my prayers will be answered soon.


January 2024

29th January 2024

I thought to quickly check in. I have so many health issues and every time I move I get a cramping spasm on the left side of my back. I am in excruciating pain with my knee and as much as I would love to not have the heating on the pain is too unbearable to be without. I AM TEFFIFIED OF MY GAS ACTUAL BILL. They have sent me an estimated one and I know it is nothing compared to the SHOCK I will have when they do find the real reading. Furthermore not just for myself I have my daughter who needs to stay warm as her legs are bad from her multiple sclerosis.

My mental health is shot, not only am I anxious but I am very tearful and cannot breathe.

Other than my daughter and my websites there is nothing else that can put a smile on my face.

I have restored my faith and have been praying every single day for the last 46 days. I even keep a manifestation diary that I do before I go to sleep. Talking about sleep for the last six days running I have worked until 5 am and not only am I in pain, I am so anxious that my sleeping tablets are not working. The reason why I am working so late as I have to double and triple-check my work because I have noticed I am jumbling up my words. I cannot use AI when I am coding so one wrong word can f#ck up a whole website, which is what has happened to me.

I am in excruciating pain as I write this today at 02.09 hours bidding everyone reading this goodnight from wherever you are in this world.

Just remember do not let anyone get you down, the ones that are causing you problems are demons and to fight them you need to pray.

Goodnight x

26th January 2024

I feel so anxious for several reasons:

  1. My DWP Disability Discrimination Complaint has gone unanswered.
  2. DWP has not responded to the court either.
  3. The court said they would send them a reminder letter and I would get a copy of the letter, this has not happened.
  4. The freedom of information where I requested all my data from the DWP I have not received.
  5. My landlord’s agent wanted me to give prepayments with a discount (never heard about that before) on my rent and promised a letter which I am waiting on (I can’t breathe).
  6. My client wants this and the other done and I have done a lot of it just won’t give him the content until he pays me. I am hoping I can get another website out of it which will be residual income, but it’s the waiting for the replies that gets me.

So you can understand that I am on edge at the moment and have been working 5 nights in a row until the early hours, I now hanging with no energy.

I just want to cry. It did not help when someone on Facebook whom I have known for years unfriended me because I believe she was influenced by my ex-banker boyfriend from many years ago. I told her I had blocked him and I told her about my business so it would go back to him. It made me sad that she did not even reach out and just unfriended hoping I would not notice. He cannot see anything I post nor vice versa so I do not know why she has pushed me away. I am over it now but at the time it did make me upset I must admit.

Nobody gives two flying monkeys how anxiety can affect someone’s mental health or make them feel, they say they do but if you genuinely cared you would display an action not just empty hollow words.

That’s it I have one more client to deal with which I will do tomorrow and I am knocking everything on the head for the rest of the weekend.

Until next time, bye for now 🙂

23rd January 2024 18.39

I feel very overwhelmed with a hundred-and-one things to do including looking further into doing a law degree. I am passionate about learning about disability discrimination, human rights, and contractual law all of which have played a hand at some point in my life and my career. Don’t get me wrong I love what I do but I think qualifying will further enhance my services and my authority.

I asked Open Uni if there was a problem with me studying law seeing I have a mental health condition and it seems there isn’t one.

I have updated this site although there are many things to address and I did not have the time or energy.

I am still waiting for my complaint and the deadline was yesterday so do not know what is going on but it is causing me to have anxiety and stress.

I am going to fight for people’s rights including my own and as they say, the pen is mightier than the sword or in my case keyboard.

I will forgive everyone that does me wrong and will recite a passage from the Bible:

  • Luke 6.37 “Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven.
  • Acts 2.38 Peter replied, “Repent and be baptized, every one of you, in the name of Jesus Christ for the forgiveness of your sins. And you will receive the gift of the Holy Spirit.
  • Romans 12:14  We should bless those who persecute us bless and not curse them. We are to pray for them and ask God to bless them because they need His mercy just as much as we do.
  • When you pray for those who hurt you or mistreat you, God will give you the grace to forgive them, and in so doing, you will heap burning coals of fire upon their heads (Proverbs 25:22).
  • Romans 12:19  Says that revenge belongs to God and He will repay those who hurt us when the time is right and it’s not for us to seek revenge on people who have hurt us in one way or the other.

How God Will Repay Those Who Hurt You? [+ Examples] – SaintlyLiving

Everyone who has played a part in my ill health has been and will be forgiven. I would love to be the fly on the wall when karma comes to greet them.

That’s it rant over, I am not feeling too good and will try to have an early night, my OCD is on another level.

23rd January 2024 01.23

I got up late yesterday but still did some work. I wrote an article on my personal brand site. The article was not personal but my thoughts on what is happening in this world.

My ‘Wales Artisan Directory’ is on the first page of Google and I only listed it yesterday, am blowing my trumpet here because I am good at what I do.

Reference how I am feeling, I am still very anxious about something that is happening in my life and do not know if I should make waves, even though I am more than capable of starting a tsunami.

Business is picking up, which I am extremely grateful for, as money is tight at the moment.

I still feel I have been treated like something someone would step in, by the entities that are playing mind games with me.

I am so aware of my surroundings and am obsessed with germs lurking considering my daughter who has a low immune system relapsed and I am concerned for both our health. With ‘Disease X’ on the horizon the only way you would get me to leave my home was if I had a pointed gun to my head.

I only checked in to give a quick update.

Goodnight & God Bless, may peace be with you x

22nd January 2024 05.27

Just a quick check-in before getting some shut-eye. I procrastinated all weekend and could not find the energy to make any entries let alone publish 10 articles and last night I mustered enough strength to let my articles go live, although thinking about it now it may have been a bit spammy, as I sometimes LinkedIn Newsletters I am subscribed to can be a bit irritating. I won’t be doing that for a while because my aim was for this page not to show on the front page and needed to publish enough content to move it down the ladder so to speak.

I am now anxious about what today will bring, I hate Mondays and my heart is racing.

I am trying to not overthink hence why I keep myself busy.

My OCD is flying high at the moment and I had to change several times during the day last week because I was compelled to do so because of my intrusive thoughts and the unsettling feeling I had to wash the clothes after crashing into a wall three times. I do have dizzy spells and lose my balance. My OCD is quite severe to the point even dishwater sets me off.

I get very emotional and people are starting to notice. I have difficulty communicating over the phone, Skype, or Facetime and interacting physically.

I am now going to take my sleeping tablet as I need to knock myself out otherwise I am going to be up all morning on social media.

This is not good for my health all the stress I am under. I want to wake up to good news.

Anyway, I am signing off now until next time.

20th January 2024

This is my first online health entry for the year. I did start writing offline but I do not know where I saved it. I am sure my computer has a mind of its own or I have a bug, although I have Norton Antivirus so I am confident they would notify me if there was a problem.

I have published a handful of articles this year and re-designed this website, however, my health is interfering with my business and my daily life. I won’t go into too much detail now but I am struggling and for the most part, procrastinate rather than get on with things. My OCD is off the Richter Scale, I feel anxious all the time.

If I find the manuscript I wrote documenting my days from Christmas, New Year, and my birthday it will give me some relief from having to type it out all over again.

Like I said I won’t go into too much detail now but Christmas is so hyped up and commercialized and Jesus was not even born in December but on April 20th to be precise, so Christmas will never be the same again for me ever.

New Year I watched the London fireworks from the comfort of my home on Sky News, I did not toast the New Year or make any Resolutions, as I do not drink alcohol, and even though there are two unopened bottles of champagne in the kitchen my daughter does not like drinking it either so we greeted the New Year Sober.

My birthday was much the same although I did get a lot of online birthday wishes from strangers even, which was nice. But again why remind me I am getting older, what is there to celebrate, I am unwell and so is my daughter so why should either one of us be happy?

I did read something that upset me recently about how a Cardiff Blues Footballer took his own life as he was devastated by the passing of his parents. I have lost both my parents and brother and have experienced the worst kind of trauma anyone would wish for but I am still here. Chris Barker: Former Cardiff City player killed himself, coroner concludes – BBC News

I have endured grief, public humiliation, disability discrimination, and emotional distress.

When I get really sad I switch off completely and do something to distract myself like read or watch a movie. What I go through daily, some would question my sanity but I keep on fighting. My daughter understands me and that’s all that matters. I do not have to explain myself to anyone. I do what I do to ease the anxiety and the intrusive thoughts. I will not let anyone judge me because as one person said to me once you need to look at yourself in the mirror before judging. This same person I reached out to two years ago for support by sending her an in-depth email promised to phone me but never did. So when she tried to make arrangements to meet up and I made the excuse my mental health is not that great and cannot go out anywhere, she asked if there was anything she could do, she is suffering from short-term memory loss and I am not going to give her the satisfaction to have one up on me again. My daughter said she is false and all she wants is to be nosey.

I am finding it hard at the moment to concentrate and am not very productive.

On a positive note, the obituary I read last year for what I thought was my ex was not for the same person as a friend of mine posted a video of him in a bar and kissing a man on the cheek, he did not seem to have a woman by his side, which makes me question his sexuality and would explain a lot of things when we dated. I blame him for the onset of my OCD and the trauma I endured because of the breakup. But I guess everything happens for a reason.

I have restored my faith in God and write passages of the bible whenever I can.

This is a quick note as I don’t want to feel as if I have abandoned you. Fortunately, I have a team of writers who are helping me and whilst I am on the road of taking baby steps to heal I hope anyone who is reading this understands I can only do what I can do at any given time, with my health. Somedays I have good days and I can do a lot and other days my disabilities consume me.

However, I have noticed recently I am now very anxious about couriers and workmen. For example, I had an electrician come to my home the other day to test my smoke alarms and I think he caught on that he was conning my landlord as smoke alarms need to be tested every month not once a year at £100 per call out for each property. I was so glad my daughter was at home and not in UNI as I am anxious being alone around men after the physical abuse I endured with my ex. What made my OCD scream louder than any smoke alarm was he took my ladder as I have high ceilings and then proceeded to write something propping his notepad and pen on my dining table. ‘Germs’ was all I could think of as he walked up the ladder with his shoes, touched the ladder rungs with his hand, and then contaminated my dining table and my front door letting himself out not to mention my fuse box. My brain works overtime when it comes to germ awareness and coincidently wrote an article today about biowarfare and germ awareness which is all over the news:

Anyway, I have to now check all my emails as I have a few inboxes and am already anxious about being overwhelmed by the sheer volume.

Until my next entry, goodnight.

Blue Butterfly
Disabled Entrepreneur - Disability UK | + posts

The Editor Suffers From OCD & Cerebellar Atrophy. She is an Entrepreneur & Published Author, she writes content on a range of topics, including politics, current affairs, health and business. She is an advocate for Mental Health, Human Rights & Disability Discrimination.

Whilst her disabilities can be challenging she has adapted her life around her health and documents her journey online.

Disabled Entrepreneur - Disability UK Online Journal Offers Digital Marketing, Content Writing, Website Creation, SEO, and Domain Brokering. Disabled Entrepreneur - Disability UK is an open platform that invites contributors to write articles and serves as a dynamic marketplace where a diverse range of talents and offerings can converge. This platform acts as a collaborative space where individuals or businesses can share their expertise, creativity, and products with a broader audience.

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