Renata’s Health Diary 2024 (Self-Help Therapy)


Renata’s Typical Weekly Planner
(with Studying Pending),
However, Caregiving Can Be On Average Up To 6.15 hrs Per Day.
Renata has been known to work until the early hours consequently not getting a full eight hours sleep, hence she is addicted to Monster Energy Drinks 500ml, Consuming 2-3 cans a day.

Renata’s day begins with a diligent focus on her business affairs while her daughter is either in part-time employment or full-time studies at university. During this time, Renata efficiently manages her business responsibilities, allocating her attention and expertise for up to five hours each day. As the day progresses, Renata seamlessly transitions into her role as a devoted caregiver, dedicating her evenings to providing attentive care for her daughter’s needs, a commitment that extends up to 6.15 hours each night. Despite the demands of her caregiving duties, Renata remains steadfast in her pursuit of personal and professional growth. Looking ahead to the autumn season, Renata plans to embark on a transformative journey, setting aside three hours each morning to dedicate herself to studying part-time for an Open University Law Degree. This ambitious endeavor reflects Renata’s unwavering determination to expand her knowledge and skill set, demonstrating her resilience and commitment to self-improvement amidst the responsibilities of caregiving and business management.

  1. Breakfast is cereal, yogurt, and herbal tea for my daughter prepared before I go to sleep = 15 minutes (This is for my daughter)
  2. I then provide emotional support for my daughter talking and helping her with her assignments this may take 2 -3 hours per day.
  3. I then prepare dinner which may take 1-2 hours
  4. I monitor and report my daughter’s health: I ghostwrite on my daughter’s behalf and update whenever she permits me.
  5. Washing my daughter’s clothes and drying takes about 2 hours daily (set and forget)
  6. Supervising my daughter with her daily needs passing bath towels, helping her out of the bath, washing her back, grooming, etc 1 hour per evening.

I then spend a further 2 hours washing up by hand (one hour in the afternoon and one hour in the evening, it takes me this long because of my OCD (a) because I have to be careful dirty dishwater does not splash on me and (b) because I have to make sure I have not missed any food residue) and 2 hours (set and forget) washing clothes and a further 2 hours cleaning the bathroom and kitchen, changing the beds= 4 hours (I aim to buy a dishwasher to save me time and will also be classed as an aid to help both myself and my daughter). I aim to cut this time down so that I can fit in my studying this autumn.

Household Chores = 4 hours per day to be cut down to 1 hour per day.

I then spend the rest of my time working which is about 5 hours per day for my business. (answering emails, search engine optimization (SEO), content creation, content writing, publishing, social media management, digital marketing, coding, outbound marketing, and advertising).

Total Hours: 15.15 hours per day

Sleep time: 8.45 mins


Forgiveness I will forgive everyone who does me wrong or tries to harm me.

  • Luke 6.37 “Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven.
  • Acts 2.38 Peter replied, “Repent and be baptized, every one of you, in the name of Jesus Christ for the forgiveness of your sins. And you will receive the gift of the Holy Spirit.
  • Romans 12:14  We should bless those who persecute us and not curse them. We are to pray for them and ask God to bless them because they need His mercy just as much as we do.
  • When you pray for those who hurt you or mistreat you, God will give you the grace to forgive them, and in so doing, you will heap burning coals of fire upon their heads (Proverbs 25:22).
  • Romans 12:19  Says that revenge belongs to God and He will repay those who hurt us when the time is right and it’s not for us to seek revenge on people who have hurt us in one way or the other.

Let’s just say whatever goes wrong in someone’s life that has attempted to harm me and I have forgiven them, they have only themselves to blame. I have restored my faith and will leave God to do his deeds!

A Journey to Empowerment and Resilience

As the clock struck midnight on New Year’s Eve, I found myself standing at the threshold of a brand new year, a new chapter in my life waiting to be written. Determined to make 2024 a year of positive transformation, I embarked on a journey of self-discovery, armed with a powerful tool that had been my companion through thick and thin – my health diary.

In the past, I have faced grief and trauma that could have easily consumed me, but my resilience and determination prevailed. I turn to the pages of my diaries as a sanctuary, a space where I can pour out my emotions, fears, and dreams. This year, as I stand on the precipice of new beginnings, I am committed to not only motivating and empowering myself but also extending a helping hand to others on their journey toward mental well-being.

In the face of the world’s challenges, I resolve to stay positive and spread positivity. Writing has been my refuge, a powerful tool that has helped me navigate the complexities of my mind. It has been a companion through the storms of depression and the struggles with obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD). Each word on the page has been a step towards healing, a declaration of my resilience against the demons that sought to hold me captive.

The act of journaling has provided me with clarity, focus, and a sense of purpose. It has been a constant reminder that even in the darkest moments, there is a light within that can guide us towards hope. By documenting my thoughts and experiences, I have been able to create a roadmap to mental well-being, finding solace in the written words that speak of my triumphs and challenges.

As I step into the new year, I am not only committed to my personal growth but also to the expansion of Disabled Entrepreneur – Disability UK. This platform has been a beacon of support for individuals facing challenges due to disabilities, and my goal is to elevate it to new heights. I envision creating a site that everyone will rave about, a space where stories of resilience, empowerment, and success shine brightly.

One of my primary objectives is to inspire people to share their stories. Through shared narratives, we not only connect on a deeper level but also create a sense of community that fosters understanding and empathy. I believe that by opening up about our experiences, we can break down the stigma surrounding mental health and disabilities, encouraging others to embark on their journey of self-discovery and healing.

In 2024, my health diary will continue to be my confidante, witnessing the highs and lows of my life. But beyond my musings, it will also serve as a platform to inspire and uplift others. Together, let us turn the pages of our diaries, write new chapters, and make memories that resonate with strength, resilience, and unwavering positivity. This is not just a journey for myself but a collective odyssey towards a healthier, happier, and more empowered life.

Blue Butterfly

July 2024

11/07/24 – 17.18 hrs.

My daughter witnessed today me choking on a Greggs Ham and Cheese Baguette. At first, I was pounding my chest which did nothing to ease the pain of food lodged and then I started to bring it up barely reaching the bathroom. I was so upset I no longer was interested in indulging in caramel slices which my daughter happily consumed. My stomach has been playing up for the last couple of days and yesterday I had to dash to the loo, put it this way it was not a pretty site. Later that evening, more like early hours this morning I ended up having acid reflux which compelled me to be sick in the bathroom but for ages afterward my mouth and throat felt they were on fire. I eventually fell asleep.

Today work-wise I managed to ghostwrite an article and was going to attempt to find information like my birth certificate, deed poll, and divorce papers. I need all this for my student finance loan. In hindsight, it is discriminatory for me not to get a loan when everyone else is entitled to one. I could just pay it off, but why should I?

WordPress is playing up or it could be the memory of my computer but I am done for a few days at least as everything is starting to overwhelm me including the imminent arrival of my brother and his entourage.

End of rant 17.35 hrs.

05/07/24 – 13.54 hrs.

Celebrations today, I am officially a law student and the Conservatives have lost the General Election. We have a new PM (hooray), the conservatives have always been about the rich and wealthy. I am glad Labour won.

As for my health I have been busy lately with sorting out Uni and also with my business and have not had a chance until today to update.

My OCD is as it has always been and as I went to get a parcel from Amazon this morning, I so happened to brush my ginormous arse against a broom handle which set my OCD off. I did it the other day brushing my leg against the toilet bowl but resisting the urge (ERP) of stripping and dosing my leg and leggings with Dettol Antiseptic Disinfectant Liquid which I keep in a small spray bottle. So today whilst I wait for my leggings to be washed and sit here with my underwear and hoody.

Going on to my physical pain I was bending down quite a bit and vacuuming the litter with a handheld dust buster and doing so caused my neck to go into pins and needles as the pain traveled from the base of my spine right up my back. I had to sit down as the pain was unbearable and God forbid anyone standing in my way as I sought pain relief.

On the note of anxiety, I am on tenterhooks as the 17th of July draws near and is the day my daughter graduates. I have showered her with gifts as compensation for not being there for her on her big day. She understands about my OCD as she was the one who suggested I livestream. The only problem I now have is my brother has flown in from the States with his wife and teenage son and I am dreading seeing them, let alone having them come into my home. I also have a contractor to contend with so all the dust particles is going to be a BIG problem for me.

I am not in a good place in my head today and have procrastinated rather than done any work. I need to send an official letter to a non-paying client, who will feel my wrath. I have taken his website down as a consequence. he gave me no notice, he just pulled the rug from under my feet. It is people like him that make my mental health bad. He will never be able to trade again as I have all his domain names lol.

Anyway, I thought I should show my virtual face and say hello, just to say I am struggling with my mental health, and is reflected in my non-communication.

End of rant. – 14.18 hrs.

June 2024

25/06/24 – 22.54 hrs.

I am upset that I have not been there for my mums friend who has cancer. On top of that I also ignored a call from an elderly client that no doubt wants to meet me but I cannot go out. I am afraid of going out and I had a dream about my abuser coming back, as a consequence I have been procrastinating all day. Don’t get me wrong I have done a bit of work for my business and had a technical issue with one of my sites. I also published two articles. So its not as if I have done nothing all day, it just seems like I have not done much at all. I also have one client that has stopped paying me, but still wants to keep the website going. He won’t find anyone cheaper than me and he will lose all his advertising if he was to find another website designer.

I just feel really sad today after I phoned my mums friend who told me she is depressed and that her cancer has spread. I feel bad for not being there for her I have not spoken to her for over a year. I tend to shut myself off from the outside world and am only active online.

I am dreading next month the day of my daughters graduation. the thought of it is making me anxious because although I will not be going out I guarantee I will be visited and I cannot deal with physical interactions.

That’s it rant over. 23.15 hrs.

23/06/24 – 12.16 hrs

Today I got up really early, this was the second day in a row and I am so tired, even my energy drinks are not keeping me awake. I also cannot remember taking my meds and thus will have to wait until tomorrow now. I have just published one article my daughter wrote and have another waiting in the wings for tomorrow.

My OCD is playing up and I did resist the urge of changing my leggings after the cat swept his tail past my leg. What I did instead was douse my leg with undiluted antiseptic disinfectant (DETTOL) which I have decanted into a spray bottle I have beside me all the time. This save me stripping and putting a wash on. I still do not feel comfortable and I guess tomorrow all of it is going in the wash as I have no energy to do anything else today.

I am also hoping I do not have to speak with my brother today, the last conversation I had was awkward when he claimed his mother in law was on her feet the day after her knee surgery.

I am now feeling anxious for when he lands in the UK next month with his entourage. I have problems interacting with people in the physical realm and do not want to be judged about my life choices or surroundings. I know one day I will be where i want to be but it all takes time and money to build an empire. No doubt his wife will want to see where I live and coincidently I am having loft insulation so need to be home regardless if I have a disability or not. I am not looking forward to the family reunion especially with another person that shall remain nameless hogging Zena’s big day. I believe if this person was not in Zena’s life my OCD would get better.

It is what it is for the time being until I sell some of my domain names. I will then be on a different path.


In the mean time I will just continue praying.

Well that’s it for today. 12.50 hrs.

20/06/24 – 17.00 hrs

The last few days have been eventful, the week started slowly. Monday I had an issue with my hosting provider to contend with and slammed a response email back with my disdain, as a consequence to my assertive email I had my contracts reduced by 50% for the first 12 months. I also found out I am one of their biggest paying customers.

Despite my internet going down on Monday and me being hoodwinked into paying next months broadband bill early, you would have thought that would be the end of that, but low and behold my internet went down again. This time I was getting worried as I had rebooted my router twice and nothing was happening, but thankfully my daughter fixed it by rebooting it one more time with her magic fingers. I did try phoning the company and was routed to an automated message with txt instructions how to boot my modem.

In between I had a missed call from the hosting provider and I could not do a screen share because my internet was down, so I tried again today and got through to someone who I spoke with for two hours or there abouts. As well as my invoice issue which I was disputing I also had a problem with one of my sites not being able to edit it. There was also a security issue but that meant me upgrading. This site is very important to me so it is worth spending a little extra to have it optimized. Both issues got fixed today and yesterday whilst my internet was down I managed to finish my book-keeping.

Today after two calls one inbound and one outbound I realised I had not eaten, now that I have I feel just as light headed as I was before and sitting and not moving is not improving my symptoms.

That’s it for today I am not doing anything else for work. I have an article in draft ready for tomorrow, but I do not have the strength to do anything else.

I am glad my internet is up and running again and that I had near enough £1000 discount thanks to the heavens above. It is worth praying because at least you feel you are not alone and that you are being protected.

I believe if you want something bad enough it will happen and will materialise, you just have to believe it will happen.

Signing off at 17.27 hrs.

17/06/24 – 20.23 hrs

I need to let off steam, I am not in a very good place right now in my head. Which bit of isolation and social disconnection do people not understand? I CHOOSE to isolate from the outside world for a reason. I do not want physical interaction whatsoever.

So call me selfish and you most probably will be right but I cannot deal with other people’s problems.

Now this bit you may think she is only thinking about herself and perhaps I am to a certain degree but someone I know has cancer and is dying and I cannot bring myself to phone her. She cannot hear very well because her hearing aid is not working properly and now I have her daughter chasing me to phone her.

I cannot support someone when I have mental health issues that is why I have handed over the reins of my business to other writers until I am well enough to take things back again.

I also have a problem with the hosting provider trying to scam me. What I need to do is get hold of the CEO because I am faced with a bunch of muppets who pass me around from pillar to post and my dispute keeps being ignored.

I cannot concentrate very well and am done with people expecting me to do things for them for free. If I offer to do something for free all well and good but if someone expects me to do something for free that’s another matter.

Rant over, feel a little better for venting and I do not care who reads this. I am not apologizing.

I have to take care of my mental health as I have to take care of my daughter and my business.

The symptoms I am experiencing are heart palpitations and dizziness. I get excruciating pain when I bend down and I still have a problem with my weak bladder. Toilet roll should be on prescription or incontinence pads, however, toilet roll you can flush down the loo but pads need to be disposed of differently and I am not going to faff around or spend money when I can just use toilet paper.

I get anxious over the stupidest of things such as not finishing something quickly enough and having to wait around for people.

Anyway, that’s it for today. Goodnight from Wales – 20.50 hrs.

Oh, I forgot my abuser’s ex-partner (who also happens to be the mother of his son) reached out to me the first time last October on Facebook and I ignored her and again a few days ago. I told her today via messenger I have nothing against her but I want nothing to do with my abuser and do not want to see him as long as I shall live. No doubt that will get back to him. But if he tries to return I will report him to the police.

21.19 hrs. Update: I bit the bullet and phoned the person who has cancer and now I feel guilty for not giving her the support and as a consequence, her health has deteriorated. I feel really bad, for not being there for her.

Now my heart is racing and am getting chest and wrist pain I told her “I love you”, not that she heard me and I just contacted her daughter so that she can arrange for her carer to Facetime me.

I will say a prayer and in my dreams, I saw what seemed like a guiding light telling me to praise the name of the lord and sing. I do not dream often but I did dream that so it must be a sign.

I will say a special prayer tonight.

21.25 hrs.

14/06/24 – 20.58 hrs

The reason I have not been updating my diary as often as I should is that I have no energy despite drinking 2 x 500ml cans of Monster every day. I am finding I am procrastinating rather than concentrating on doing anything and everything I plan I keep putting it until the next day. I have so much worry in my head that I just want to bury my head under the sand and wait for it all to go away. I have joined an OCD group that I was invited to participate in through one of my connections on LinkedIn. I have linked the group to my navigation menu at the top as a subpage of ‘Share Your Story’. It makes sense seeing as the the owner of that page is an OCD sufferer and hopefully, we are helping people, well I’d like to think so. I have joined other groups on Facebook in the past but none of them have any solid information, just people talking about how they are not coping very well. I am ok giving resources and articles that are published on this site, but am not medically trained to give advice or my opinion so do not interact unless I can see a person in trouble I will send them a link to the Samaritans. I have done one thing though integrated an AI Chatbot, so I do not have to be online 24/7.

I don’t want to sound like a moaning mini but I am being faced with criticism by my inner circle and everything is getting to me. I have letters for the previous tenants one of which moved out 2 years ago but still post keeps coming for them. I cannot face people other than my daughter and the cat and am dreading the family reunion next month when my daughter graduates. My goal is when she graduates with her Master’s in a year, I will try and be there for her but as it stands my brother and her boyfriend are taking my place as I am unwell to venture out no thanks to the DWP. I still have not challenged them over the discrimination and am waiting for them to make the next move.

I started my book ‘Obsession to Liberation Renata’s Story, from the time I can remember things as early as 2 years of age. I have designed the cover and my daughter says it is pretty the cover is very feminine and should have thought things through as I wanted my audience to be unisex. I suppose I still have time to design another cover. I decided to stick with the blue monarch butterfly theme depicting new beginnings. I am going to document every minute thing that went on in my life, the good, the bad, and the ugly, I will leave no stone unturned and my words will then be set in stone after I transition to another world. I will have my sweet revenge writing about all the people who did me wrong and tried to hurt me. I will write about my mental health and how it has affected me. I am blowing my own trumpet to say how good I am at marketing and SEO, the search term ‘Renata’s Story’ is on the first page of search engines giving everyone a little teaser. This will help me with launching my book. I would like to think that the people I have blocked out of my life get to read it if they search for me online.

My health is not great, I have excruciating pain if I bend down to do the rubbish or feed the cat, I have a throbbing pain in my left wrist and my bladder is not stabilized even though I have started my meds again.

I am done for today as this piece of sh*t of a Lenovo computer is doing my head in.

I am ending this post now otherwise I will be launching this laptop across the room as it is either not responding or is ever so slow. I have antivirus so it isn’t anything like that it has to do with the memory which is running short.

Goodnight – 21.52 hrs.

09/06/24 – 21.53 hrs

The last few days have gone from bad to worse with yesterday’s domino effect of me brushing my big a#se past a wall on the landing which caused me to strip, disinfect, change my clothes, and wash the contaminated ones, however as I loaded the washing machine filled both dispensers full of Dettol Antiseptic Disinfectant Liquid and shut the door, only to realize I had forgotten to put in washing tablets, so had to drain and start again. I used 750ml to wash my clothes.

Today on the other hand I forgot to take my meds and what upset me to the point I was nearly in tears was a condescending family member insinuating I am not successful, am lazy, and probed into my finances. Now if the shoe was on the other foot he would tell me to mind my own business.

As the conversation progressed about my knee and impending knee surgery he went on to say within a day of surgery his mother-in-law was on her feet. That is BS because I remember my ex-husband when he had surgery and he was incapacitated for a few weeks.

Moreover, this family member went on to say and I quote “you sit on your a#se all day and your business would not be affected”. I then contacted my writer who then wrote an article to blow this family member’s theory out of the water: I also wrote an article but did not make it personal even though he made me feel like sh*t. I told my daughter and she said she will be giving him a piece of her mind when he comes for her graduation. I told her I do not want to see him at all and his condescending mannerisms I will always be judged and scrutinized whatever I do or say.

I gave him the very last opportunity to put his input into the fact that I am writing on MSN which happens to be the same company he works for. Even my landlord’s agent praised me and all he said was ok. Surely if he reached a milestone he would be offended if I responded with ok. I believe he has narcissistic tendencies and wants to be in control. He won’t empower or praise but will criticize and be judgemental. I believe he thinks because I do not go out, I must be lazy. If I was to tell him my OCD prevents me from going out he would say that’s a choice, just like he said me refusing to have surgery is a choice. I have a responsibility to run a business and do not have a bottomless barrel of money to pay someone to look after my business whilst I am incapacitated. I am really not looking forward to next month.

I am feeling very anxious and depressed all thanks to my toxic relative. If he actually cared he would read my articles, get involved, would research and learn about OCD, but he chooses not to. I know he does not read as she is not subscribed and I can see by my Google Analytics who visits my site and from which location. Well thats his problem. I did not build this site just for me, I built it so that people can learn including him.

I am done ranting, tomorrow is another day.

Goodnight from Wales 22.39 hrs.

05/06/24 -23.03 hrs

Would you believe I turned my computer off and was going to have an early night until I started to get a dull pain in my ribs, under my breasts, traveling to my back, and in my lower jaw on top of feeling lightheaded and a pain in my left wrist. I did not tell my daughter as she bid me goodnight, I did not want to alarm her.

I proceeded to take some Gaviscon tablets and although it did not ease the discomfort the pain has passed thank God.

I still have a lot to do on this earth before to pastures new. I want to implement an AI hologram friend that you can call up any time of day or night, anywhere around the world. I have been looking at software today and although I did find one I do not think it is meant to be integrated with a company, so if I cannot find a chatbot virtual animated AI I will have to try and build one. I do love a challenge.

I still have 19 years left before my life insurance runs out so I need to make the most of my life whilst I am here.

I have run out of my bladder meds and am finding I sometimes cannot reach the bathroom in time which is annoying and embarrassing as well as uncomfortable. I do not buy incontinent pads or pants but layer multiple sheets of toilet roll which I can then flush down the toilet if I have an accident. The perils of being disabled.

Yesterday’s fiasco caused me to be physically sick with no word of a lie and I have not fully recovered. I do not like visitors at all no matter who they are I just want to be left alone.

Workwise I ghostwritten two articles and did some book-keeping as well as the usual admin, checking and answering emails and messages, etc, and paying bills.

I did find something amusing but at the same annoying and frustrating, looking at it from another perspective possibly flattering, I got hit on Linkedin with a connection calling me beautiful and a sweetheart. Excuse me but I think he has his wires crossed and is mistaking LinkedIn for Tinder. I was professional and polite and have not blocked him but I said I was married for him to get the hint. If he continues to drag out the conversation he will give me no alternative but to terminate the connection. He won’t be the first or the last I have blocked.

Going back to my health, I thought quickly to document how I have been feeling for the record.

I am definitely retiring for the night now. Goodnight from Wales.

23.42 hrs.

04/06/24 – 22.48 hrs

I cannot get over today when my landlord’s assistant insisted she wanted a roofer to come in and inspect the attic because I assume all properties need to have a (C) rating and mine is a (D) by 2025.

Attic entrance above a shelf in the kitchen.
Attic Entrance with Dusty Ornaments Which Are Hard To Reach and Get Down To Clean. (I Have got them down now and they are soaking in soapy disinfectant).

Inspecting the attic is not a problem but where my access point is there is an issue because it is above the kitchen shelves. I told the contractor I had an issue with OCD and he asked if I had any problems with him inspecting the attic, and my reply was, provided he did not touch anything of mine I would be ok.

Lo and behold as he was getting down he lost his footing and put his foot on top of my jars of food which I will never use, even after I submerge them in hot soapy water with disinfectant. I have two choices wash them and let my daughter use them or bin them all together. Two jars of Nutella the very big jar and normal size, plus Bisto gravy granules. I was so flustered after he left that I muddled my words up texting the landlord’s assistant (cognitive impairment – cerebellar atrophy).

He also said most of the attic is insulated so what is the point of adding new insulation?

I cannot get better when I have obstacles thrown in my way.

Everything thing I write is documented evidence of how I get treated. I just want a peaceful life and having contractors do gas or electricity safety checks or roofers is not what I pay rent for. I pay rent not to be disturbed and not to have visitors.

End of Rant at 23.20 hrs.

02/06/24 – 16.56 hrs

Good Afternoon if You are in Europe.

I have not been active lately updating my health, as I have so much going on in my head that I have come to a standstill and am struggling with a lot of things on so many different levels.

House cleaning today caused me back pain bending down to sort out all the rubbish, my head was spinning as per usual, and what I have noticed lately my ankles swelling up like balloons. My OCD went into overdrive when I loosend my grip on the carpet sweeper handle which brushed across my leg causing me to strip, disinfect, and wash my clothes. I am sitting here with a T-shirt and knickers, whilst waiting for them to dry in the tumble drier.

I am no longer interactive on the front end of my business and have knocked off chat as I simply do not have the energy to interact with people. I did however today published an article I wrote and also ghostwritten another.

I feel depressed that people in my close family circle do not give me any motivation, empowerment, or validation and I believe are waiting in the wings for me to fail.

I am done caring about anyone other than my daughter and Tibbles the Cat, my family is not in my life other than virtual phone calls and I have trained myself not to need anyone.

I have started the first few chapters of my story online which I have not published yet as I want to include all the gory details so people can have a better understanding of what I have gone through to be the way that I am.

Reference the powers that be, I am wondering if they are sending out generic letters or if they specifically are worded to me?, because I have done sweet FA wrong other than publish what they may not want people to read, but feel I am being scrutinized and under the microscope. This is causing me no end of distress. They (DWP/PIP) have made me more unwell and dare to be intimidating. I will pray for their souls.

Anyway, that’s it for today.

End of Rant 17.15 hrs.

May 2024

27/05/24 – 13.38 hrs

I have just published an article that I had ghostwritten, other than that I cannot think straight and my personal and professional life has been affected by DWP.

I am procrastinating should I or should I not pursue my claims for disability discrimination and emotional distress? , I have enough evidence but what is stopping me? If anything I should think I am not doing it for me I am doing it for the nation that does not have a voice or resources to make a change in political spheres. I do not have to do much other than forward a copy of a letter I sent to the tribunal court as everything is in there other than some more medical evidence I uncovered but did not have a chance to submit, which would further support my claim.

I also have my self-assessment for HMRC hanging over my head and although I have started it, I still have a long way to go.

As for my health, my head is spinning (vertigo) even though I have not taken my meds as I have run out so it can’t be that. The problem is I cannot go for a physical consultation because of my OCD and issues venturing out. As a result, of not taking my meds I am back to going to the loo every 1.5 hrs to have a pee.

I also have a really bad headache today and even with taking painkillers, my head is pounding.

I normally do not whinge and just get on with things but this is my online health journal to document how I am on a day to day basis. I have had some respite from my duties to allow for therapy and recovery. I am taking things easy and taking steps a day at a time, without overly exerting myself.

I have done what I was supposed to do today, publishing at least one article a day as per MSN Start T&Cs. This page was rejected because I have used profanities, which is a blessing in disguise as I do not want the whole wide world to know about my health, not yet. I do plan to finish writing my autobiography and the reason why I am the way that I am no thanks to certain individuals in my past, which I have forgiven. There is a method to my madness, forgiving the people who have harmed and tried to harm me, will leave and allow God to do his deeds.

14.11 hrs.

23/05/24 – 17.53 hrs

You have heard the saying “if, you do not ask you do not get”, well today I published an article that I wrote called “The Open Letter Business Challenge” asking MPs to give me work including Mel Stride, Rishi Sunak, and Boris Johnson. The challenge is to prove how difficult it is to get work, hence blowing their idea of increasing hours out of the water. Yes before you say anything you have to bid for contracts I get this but I am not a big enterprise I just need some light work.

My health is not great I am spinning quite a bit today and have had the runs (TMI). My OCD is bad and I cannot deal with people in the physical sense hence I published another article in preparation for my daughter’s graduation in July and the family gathering “Explaining OCD & Social Isolation To Family & Friends”. I won’t be going to her graduation, she suggested it as she thought it would be very overwhelming for me. I still have not recovered from the Christmas about 3 years ago.

Even Amazon delivery drivers cause me stress and anxiety and I go from window to window on the lookout for them as I cannot hear my doorbell.

I do not feel very well today and am extremely tired. I doubt I have caught anything but I am wondering what caused my stomach upset this morning.

With reference to my work, my marketing website disappeared yesterday, completely and the hosting company was complacent as it was not a big deal. In the end, the agent abruptly ended the chat whilst I was in the middle of typing a sentence. How very rude.

If I could migrate the site to a different hosting company I would but it is a headache to do and cannot risk it disappearing again.

They did do something though and that was to increase my storage space as I was running low. I still have login issues but I will leave that for another day when I am feeling a bit better. This proves my business is open 24/7 and never stops not even on bank holidays, it also shows I work in the background.

Anyway rant over, ending this update at 18.24 hrs.

20/05/24 – 18.10 hrs

I am concerned that I do not seem to be getting any mail, some of it is important. I will wait until this weekend to see if I get anything if at all and will then be phoning next week.

I should be jumping for joy today as I got some of my money from PIP, but by my calculations, they have short-changed me by £1000.

I still have another hurdle to go through and that is disability discrimination and emotional distress. I am finding I am playing an elaborate game of chess. I will look over the last communication I had from them this week and will draft a letter that will be copied to several institutions. This will test my knowledge in law which will be good in the future for me. I did tell my brother again yesterday that I was going to do a degree and this time he asked me what I was going to do which proves he was not listening a few weeks ago when he dismissed what I said. This time he said ‘Cool’.

I did do some work today despite the published article saying I have stepped back. I have to a certain degree because I do not have my chat widget on, as I am not in the right frame of mind to be chatting to anyone. I downloaded statements for my bookkeeping and published 3 articles, and I am knocking everything on the head for today, as I am feeling really tired.

Until tomorrow – 18.27 hrs.

19/05/24 – 14.53 hrs

I am feeling anxious today and although I have been working this afternoon, I cannot get my intrusive thoughts out of my head. I am trying to keep myself busy but when I have something on my mind I worry, which then leads to depression and its a vicious cycle.

I have written a few articles lately and one particular article I have not had any feedback from which gives me the impression people do not agree with what I have said. I am wondering what I have done wrong:

I am going to try and not think too much and cannot wait for tomorrow to come.

Signing Off 15.00 hrs.

18/05/24 – 15.15 hrs

I skipped the entry yesterday as I did not have anything to talk about. Today on the other hand whilst coming up the stairs after meeting the courier I brushed my arm against the wall as I was holding onto the stair railing, which threw my OCD into overdrive, and I could not salvage my hoodie doing ERT. I always try to resist my urges as long as possible before taking any action but today it got the better of me and even though I sprayed my arm with ‘Dettol’ antiseptic disinfectant liquid I was compelled to take my hoodie off and throw it in the wash before dousing myself again with Dettol.

If I had to perform this ritual in public I would no doubt be called a looney tune. I have been called much worse in my lifetime, anything from a fat walrus to a whore and crazy. I always say to myself sticks and stones will break my bones but words will never hurt me. Being judgmental and calling names can cause low self-esteem and depression, but the way I see things now is everyone is entitled to an opinion but whatever they think is not your problem it’s theirs and it’s their opinion, not yours.

My head is spinning again, so I am going to take it easy for today. I have published two articles I wrote and have another one in draft ready for tomorrow.

I still have another delivery to contend with today which means me getting up and down the stairs, even though I am not too clever on my feet today.

I need to be waiting downstairs for the delivery driver so that he does not leave the parcel on trodden dog excrement.

I did have an opportunity to say something today but I thought is it worth it, so I let it go.

Over and out – 15.27 hrs.

16/05/24 – 16.14 hrs.

Three years today my ex-husband passed away “Alan Richard Barnes”. I never got around to making amends. I had forgiven him for hurting me and I also wanted closure. I hope wherever he is, he is happy and healthy.

Talking about health my OCD has hit the roof after going downstairs to meet and greet two couriers I noticed on the porch someone had either trodden into or a dog had made a mess and no one bothered to clean it up. I feel like gagging simply thinking about it. I can’t even bring myself around to clean it up myself for fear of water splashing on me. I can’t even complain to the tenants downstairs as I have no proof of who did it. However I do not know if it is a coincidence but the front garden has a bag of dog sh*t, just thrown near their window. I am not happy. I cannot even moan to the landlord as I have no proof.

Whilst on the subject of me feeling angry I might as well go all in and moan about a previous tenant that despite me giving clear instructions to change their address with the inland revenue they still seem to be getting mail addressed to my address. I could take it up with the landlord but then he would ban all business activities and I would be screwed.

As for my health, my head is spinning daily now and my OCD is on another level.

That is it for today, I am not feeling too good. I managed to write and publish an article today and updated an article from yesterday. I will attempt to download some Amazon invoices ready for my bookkeeping next week and might do some SEO if I have time.

Over and out until tomorrow. 16.40 hrs.

15/05/24 – 17.07 hrs.

At the moment I do not go by a critical time path (CTP), so have no set timetable, but I plan on making it into a habit with strict scheduling as per my diagram.

Renata’s Typical Weekly Planner with Studying Pending.

My day is not very organized at the moment but I plan on being more responsible in the coming weeks.

I have just updated my daughter’s online health journal and need to document my health today. The spinning came back today but I do not want to give up either one of my medications as my bladder is now under control and my depression is not so obvious although I still have episodes of anxiety and stress. My knee is throbbing and I will never be able to forget why it hurts to begin with (thanks to the demonic entity that deserves to be burnt at the stake, that’s all I will say).

I am trying not to think about things and am trying to keep myself busy all the time. keeping myself busy helps with my mental health. If I was not focused I would be performing rituals, at least sitting stationary for a few hours my OCD cannot get the better of me.

Anyway, not much to report today.

Signing out 17.28 hrs.

14/05/24 – 13.27 hrs

Currently, I am on the phone multi-tasking whilst waiting to be put through to PIP which may I add since receiving my award last month I have not heard one iota from them.

I was told I should hear from them within four weeks of my tribunal award so they are cutting it fine as my letter was dated 16th April 2024.

On a positive note, I have decided which course I plan to study this October for Law Honours Degree, Bachelor of Laws (LLB).

Regarding my health, I am still getting the spinning sensation although it has eased off slightly since having something to eat and sitting down. I did notice something odd last night and this morning. Firstly as I was about to go to sleep I had a throbbing pain in the back of my head on my left-hand side and this morning I woke up with a headache, this is not the first time this has happened to me.

In regards to my OCD, I had to strip and wash my clothes yesterday when the cat’s tail swept past my leg. I do not let him sit on the sofa or sit on me and I only stroke him with my disposable vinyl gloves. He knows not to come near me and gets all his cuddles from my daughter.

I have been waiting 26 minutes so far to be put through, surely they should employ more people to answer their phones or perhaps it is purposely done to break people down to not bother phoning them, saving themselves public money.

Either way, I am on the warpath. I have finally got through and they are playing dumb pretending not to know about the decision letter lol. I have just been put on hold. So had I not phoned today I would still be waiting. Thankfully it has just been escalated and I should get the payment next week. My complaint was always about the way I was treated and not about the money, which I still have to contend with. Having the money does help to pay for bills which is a Godsend at the moment.

My plan of action today is to do my bookkeeping which I hope to have completed by the end of next week.

I am excited about doing the Open Uni course in Law. I want to represent people and work pro bono so that they get justice just like I have and I won my appeal without getting anyone to help me. I once was told by a solicitor that I had done all the work for them and that I should have a career in law. I want the degree not just for human rights, and disability discrimination but for contractual law, litigation, and intellectual property law. There are so many trolls about hence why I decided to semi-develop

Anyway, that is it for today, signing off at 14.09 hrs.

11/05/24 – 17.44 hrs

Gone are the days when I worked at the Kensington Edward Hotel in Harrington Gardens, now called Avni Kensington where I single-handedly had to cook for the guests and clean the kitchen all by myself. I was told to step in as an emergency chef because the resident chef never returned. I originally worked as a receptionist before switching roles. Now I have trouble simply washing up a load of dirty dishes. I need to wear glasses to see things close up however cannot whilst washing as my glasses become steamed up so end up missing bits of dried-up food, making me wash the dishes multiple times until I am satisfied they are clean.

Gone are the days when I could socialize and intermingle with people, now I dread physical interactions. I am now anxious as my landlord’s assistant has said I need energy-efficient light fittings sure she means light bulbs and energy-saving light bulbs come in all shapes and sizes. She said I have to have my electrics checked, yet five years ago they did not check my chandelier or dimmer switch or the hot zone for the cooker never mind the hard wiring of the washing machine. It will be interesting to see what these Cowboys do this time around. I am going to be p*ssed if they have to knock off my wifi.

I pay rent not to be disturbed so having the gas boiler, the electricians, and the planned loft insulation is simply unbearable for me. The last time someone went into the loft left lots of dust in the kitchen and was too lazy to clean up after themselves. I had what looked like some sort of fibre residue in my pots and pans and on all the work surfaces. I am not looking forward to seeing anyone anytime soon.

It is monotonous to explain why I am the way that I am. All I can say is because people have made me this way.

I am the happiest sitting in front of my computer, without anyone bothering me.

As for my health, my vertigo was quite severe whilst standing doing the dishes today and has subsided now that I am relaxed and sitting down.

As for my work, I am procrastinating and putting off replying to my emails. It made me laugh when a famous journalist said he did not know anyone with 6 inboxes when interviewing the real “Baby Reindeer”, the reason why I thought it was amusing was because I have 11 inboxes.

I did write and publish an article today on the shortages of medicine, so it is not as if I am not doing any work.

As for the future, I bit the bullet and contacted Open University yesterday to ask can a student who has OCD study human rights law. I had an autoresponder someone would contact me in five working days. I plan to do the course part-time spread over six years. That way I can juggle my business and my caring duties without leaving my home.

Anyway I have yabbered on a bit too much today, I am now going to relax and watch something to take my mind off things. Wishing you a nice Sunday ahead.

18.22 hrs.

09/05/24 – 19.17 hrs

I am connected with some very high-profile people in the world of health and well-being on LinkedIn and I am glad I do not have my comments turned on because I have read some alarming news about trolls. I do my utmost best to protect my mental health from scammers phoning me and am vigilant about the emails I receive. I cannot believe that people go to the lengths of de*th threats for the people I am connected with. What does it say about the person that threatens another person?

I am thinking of writing an article called “People Made Me This Way”. it will be part of my book “Blue Butterfly”, I say these things but then put them on the back burner and procrastinate.

Regarding my health, as I was standing washing up today I got giddy after nearly choking on some leftover pasta. Yes, this is my life and some days I just hate my body and my mind. My OCD was triggered by dirty dishwater that splashed on me, consequently making me change my clothes and put them in the wash.

My left wrist is hurting me again; I only write about this so that other people can relate, I do not do it for sympathy. I do not care what other people think of me, that’s their business and not mine.

I think I am going to have to phone the doctor because the spinning is simply too much.

I have had enough for one day, signing off at 19.39 hrs.

08/05/24 – 13.30 hrs

My daughter and I have come to an agreement that for her graduation in July I will not be attending the ceremony as it will be too overwhelming for me. My daughter is breathing a sigh of relief as she was only allocated two tickets and her boyfriend and her uncle (my brother) who is flying from the USA especially want to be there. I have been stressing about this for ages but my daughter said I need to work on when she graduates on her Masters’s Degree, she said she isn’t offended because an undergrad is not that much of an achievement. In my eyes it is a big milestone but my OCD and interaction with the outside world is stressful and I need to work on my exposure response therapy to be able to override my compulsions and intrusive thoughts. I hope that I can get better to at least venture out for one day, but won’t know how it will affect me unless I try. At the moment it is too soon to make any assumptions. The rate I am going at the moment I will be encouraging her to do a PHd.

As for my overall health this morning, I am still getting the spinning sensation. My heart is pounding fast and I am stressed because of work. I have one very unhappy client at the moment, who is yelling at me as his clients are unable to go through checkout. It does not show credibility on my part when the hosting company f*ck up.

In regards to my business, I had a connection request from a solicitor on LinkedIn today. My intrusive thoughts and paranoia have kicked in and am wondering why he wanted to connect quoting that he noticed I am the editor of ‘Disabled Entrepreneur UK’, what does he want from me that is the question.

I am ending my rant for the moment as I need to get something to eat.

13.44 hrs.

07/05/24 – 11.51 hrs

I thought to quickly check in and update my health. My head is spinning, I feel my head is not attached to my body. I am also feeling anxious, for some reason and I don’t know why.

I have less than 9 days to go to respond to DWP over my claim of Disability Discrimination & Emotional Distress and I am procrastinating, just like the email I am supposed to send to Open Uni with my questions. I am pleased to hear my daughter is going on to do her Master’s Degree this year which is an incentive and has motivated me to do my Degree in Human Rights Law.

Continuing with my plan today, I will be doing some SEO and starting on my book-keeping, it is stressful and I do not want to pay someone to do it for me.

I published two articles in the early hours this morning and have another waiting.

I don’t know if I will be back here again today unless my health changes as I have a lot of work to do.

Over and out 12.06 hrs.

06/05/24 – 15.13 hrs

I reflect on today, I had a Tesco delivery this afternoon, and was relieved to get toilet paper as I had run out and was praying the next time I visited the bathroom was after my delivery. I cannot control my pee so when my brain says you got to go, you got to go, therefore I improvise with toilet tissue rather than incontinence pads.

As for my health, my spinning has subsided today although I do have a headache coming on, but that could be due to me concentrating on the computer helping to publish 3 articles. I still need to do some SEO. I did not know you could claim for the upkeep of service animals, you learn something new every day. Both my daughter and I have a cat called Mr.Tibbles, he has written articles for the young in need of support.

Mr Tibbles The Cat Reporter Logo

I spoke too soon as my spinning is gradually coming back. All I can do is rant on here as I would not be able to leave my home to go for tests, not only because I suffer from OCD (germ contamination) but I also run a business and have no one to cover for me.

I know my health is important but so is my business. How am I supposed to keep a roof over my head or put food on the table if I do not work?

I aim to be starting on my book-keeping this week, which will keep me busy.

So although it is a bank holiday I am working with no exception.

Wishing you splendid break. 15.28 hrs.

05/05/24 – 12.42 hrs

Nothing much happened yesterday other than the same old health issues I have been experiencing lately. My heart is racing even though I am sitting down, my intrusive thoughts with lots of “what ifs” keep coming into my head and my OCD is relentless.

As for today, I got up late at 11.30 to be precise, and feel like I am on a rollercoaster. I feel very sad but that is nothing new. I am determined to not let my anxieties get to me. I keep myself busy all the time and when I do not have the energy to work for my business I distract myself by watching movies or reading.

Today I published an article about Mental Health & Crime and I believe the increase in stabbings has to do with mental health and financial support. However I do not agree or condone this type of violence, no one has the right to hurt or take someone’s life.

I will continue publishing one article a day and with persistence, I will reach my goal. I did share my site with my neighbour and had no comment, which I think is rude. I guess some people think they are better than you and will never praise you and just wait in the wings for you to fail. Well, at least he now knows I do have a job and am not a lazy bum. His ableist comment that I should go out more to help with my mental health was uncalled for, to which I replied my mental health is complicated. I was not going to stand around explaining my health to him, for him to then label me as crazy.

No one has the right to label me and only I can label myself. I am not crazy I just feel sad because people have made me this way and also through traumatic events that I have experienced.

I am off now for the rest of the day to do my household chores, I doubt I will be updating again today.

Wishing you a nice bank holiday weekend.

13.15 hrs.

03/05/24 – 10.49 hrs

I woke early today in anticipation of the gas engineer’s arrival. I had to do a spot of cleaning as our cat has a habit of peeing down the stairs even though he has clean litter trays and I had to mop the entrance. The engineer arrived promptly and fixed my pressure gauge without too much fuss. I am dreading my gas bill because I reckon it will be about £5K, that’s not an exaggeration. I have had it on day and night over the winter period because of my health and my daughters.

I will most probably write an article that utility providers should subsidize the rates they charge for the disabled and elderly. I get where the government is coming from with the PIP overhaul as there are genuine scammers around, so I don’t have any qualms about this and it should be assessed by medical evidence. I had to request my medical reports via the FOIA from the GP and Hospital, so I will never need to prove my health ever again, my PIP award is now indefinite, which is a relief. However, my dispute was never about the money but how I was treated by the DWP and the assessor. I still have to go through this sh*t when my daughter gets assessed again.

Moving on about my health my head is constantly spinning and am finding I need to hold on to things in order not to fall over. My OCD and intrusive thoughts are getting the better of me and yesterday I had to hide some leftover food as I did not trust the engineer to touch it or worse spit in it. I do not trust anyone and we don’t exactly like one another and have gone off on the wrong footing a few times, so I would not put it past him to do something like that, but I could be wrong. He came and went without me being in close contact with him and I made minimal conversation. As for my health according to the NHS website, serotonin syndrome’s side effects are dizziness.

Workwise I published an article today about memory loss and stress, I also sent an invoice to a client for content writing services. So this month I will be financially comfortable. I am grateful that I am getting a lot of subscribers daily, this means my content is resonating with people.

I will no doubt be back here at some point today.

11.19 hrs.

02/05/24 – 17.24 hrs

I’m back again, and worse for wear. My lightheadedness is constant now and am dreading having to go downstairs today to meet and greet the Amazon delivery driver. My physical interaction is not that great and have the gas boiler engineer coming tomorrow. If he is coming tomorrow morning and only gives me notice at 16.00 hrs today it is not exactly 24 hrs is it? He is the one that questioned the pressure drop and accused me of taking too many meds meaning I must be high or on something. So today I will refrain from using any hot water or turning my boiler on so that he sees the gauge is low. I do not like him. He assumes because I am at home all the time that I do not have a job and has stigmatized me as being lazy, thinking he is better than me. After all, he has a job. I wear branded hoodies so that people who interact with me can see a website that should tell them that I am associated with a company if I wear their merchandise.

As for my intrusive thoughts, I asked my daughter did I lie about the landline and she went no because it is not in use. She reassured me to a certain degree.

I am feeling upset because I just received my medical records from the hospital and it brought back traumatic memories of why I was there in the first place. Domestic Violence is plastered all over the place, including the incident with the disinfectant in my eyes and my knee dislocation.

Moving on I getting really bad heartburn and can feel the acid travelling up. My left hand is in pain and have just taken a painkiller.

I feel anxious but at the same time relieved that PIP has been reinstated and they have acknowledged the letter. My next hurdle is the discrimination and emotional distress to contend with. I still have two weeks to respond.

I managed to write an article today about “How To Make Money Using AI”, I shared it across many of the social media platforms. I also responded to a client of mine regarding SEO. I believe I am on the right path now to start healing and had someone randomly reach out to me asking how I am copying, who is one of my connections on LinkedIn, in which I have over 12K followers.

This post is definitely it for today. I feel exhausted and need to rest.

17.49 hrs.

02/05/24 – 12.22 hrs

I have got intrusive thoughts going through my head, I was asked today if I have a home telephone number after giving my mobile/cell number and I said no. I do not accept incoming calls unless they are scheduled only to my mobile/cell and although I do have a virtual number and a landline both are not in use, so should I have gone to the extra lengths of explaining myself or was it ok for me to say I did not have a landline. The landline needs to be converted to a digital line (Virgin) which I would need a working phone that I do not have. As for my virtual number, it is diverted to my mobile/cell phone in which I only accept incoming calls from my favourite list, or if the call is pre-arranged, only then will I disable ‘Do Not Disturb’ and ‘Silence Calls’. This is now bothering me and I am feeling anxious.

I may reinstate the numbers in the future but currently, I am not in the right frame of mind of talking on the phone and I have to protect my mental health. I still make outgoing calls but when I call, I am losing my temper and getting louder and louder to the point I am screaming down the phone as in the case of the hosting provider yesterday, who had two weeks to sort out my bill but still took out the full amount after issuing me credit notes. I bet they dread my phoning. I am still waiting for them to sort out a checkout problem for my client who is not happy and has lost £300 worth of business.

I am debating not doing website design anymore as it is stressful, I would much rather concentrate on writing and digital marketing. I still have the domain which is forwarded to my marketing site. I am trying to keep costs down and not be burdened with hosting charges.

I did not update my health yesterday but as I was throwing out recycled rubbish ready for collection today I experienced a lightheaded episode on the footpath.

I am concerned about the side effects of Sertraline and Mirtazapine which can cause serotonin syndrome which can be fatal.

I still feel lightheaded today, even after getting a good night’s sleep, the medication solifenacin allows me to sleep longer without having to get up to go to the bathroom.

I am racking my brain about what content should I write on this site today as I have an obligation to MSN to post one article a day.

I am going to come back later 13.11 hrs.

01/05/24 – 12.57 hrs

I began this morning by phoning my hosting provider after they took the whole amount of money without crediting me for several contracts I disputed a fortnight ago (this took me an hour of my time to resolve). I then attempted to phone PIP and basically, their phone is on overload or they are not accepting calls, this is another tactic they use to break you down. I still have a fortnight to counterdispute my discrimination claim. I thought perhaps their algorithms…

Omg, I just missed a whole sentence, what I meant to say was “I thought perhaps their algorithms picked up my phone number and blocked me. But even when I withheld my number, it happened again, so my theory was wrong”.

Missing out whole sentences just proves how much stress I am under.

I also published an article about the PIP five-tier proposal and how it will lead to suicides. I read every other week a body is found and the increase in stabbing means free board and lodging to some people.

I hope the entities at the top of the food chain know they cannot take their wealth with them when they die unless they are immortal.

My spinning sensation has come back and feel very light-headed as well as my wrist pain in my left hand is playing up.

With reference to my OCD, I am trying to work out how the cost of coping with a mental health disorder can be justified with an expense. Yes, I use a lot of PPE on a daily basis but how are other people going to justify their money? I actually might write an article about it and publish it in my name considering the powers that be crawl this site.

Anyway, I am signing off for now. 13.15 hrs

Blue Butterfly

April 2024

30/04/24 -23.41 hrs

Today was like every other day although my health is not right. I keep getting the spinning sensation and when the temperature drops my knee is in agony. Reading the news about the government plans to do vouchers instead of cash payments or show receipts for expenses, well I will be more than willing to show my huge utility bills to keep my home warm. I did publish an article relating to this and have shared it on a few social media sites. Moreover how about justifying the huge salaries, the private jets, helicopters, and limousines from taxpayers’ money before picking on the disabled?

On top of my knee pain, I also have wrist pain, neck pain, and lower back pain when I bend over. I bet reading this you would think I am a hypochondriac. On the contrary, I only write when I have something to write about and do not let on or moan about my ailments out loud to anyone.


I did write an email to PIP/DWP yesterday and had an autoresponder message, but have not had any communication since. I will wait till Friday and will phone them again. I also connected with a journalist from the Guardian today Dr.Frances Ryan, she had written about the Government and Groupon Coupons.

Work-wise I did some SEO did some research and published an article as well as responded to my emails. I usually have 10 inboxes open at once from different websites. I have not been active on chat though because I simply do not have the energy.

Anyway, I am done for today, wishing you all a good night. 01/05/24 – 00.05 hrs

29/04/24 – 19.12 hrs

Surprisingly I got up fairly early today way before midday. I had an interrupted sleep because of my bladder, so now that I have been working through the day I am starting to feel a bit tired.

I wrote and published 6 pages of my services on this site and am amazed I did not do it sooner. I reckon I walk around half asleep some days. People are not mind readers and if I do not advertise how are they supposed to know what services I offer? I also signed off and published a controversial article about vouchers, the government’s harebrained idea to offer vouchers instead of cash. It amazes me how the entities of this world who are born with silver spoons in their mouths have the audacity to lecture and dictate to people on the other end of the spectrum. It’s one rule for one and one rule for another. They can go around tax dodging with nom doms whilst the rest of us have to suffer.

No amount of pep talk is going to cure my OCD and vouchers will not buy the things I need to get by. Penalizing people by taking away crucial financial support, will find more and more people taking their own lives. I hear near enough every other week a body being found. Does that not ring alarm bells? Perhaps this is their master plan to reduce humanity. Why not wipe the slate clean money wise and start again printing money or making up figures?

I also responded to a comment that was made in an article yesterday about how one person said he was amazed at how many mobility cars are around with people not showing visible signs of disabilities. I responded so that means I have to wear a hazmat suit because I have OCD to prove I have a disability, I did not get a response back…

As for my health, I am not so clever on my feet I still have a spinning sensation and am experiencing headaches more often than ever before. My heart is racing even though I am sitting down. I am not doing anything else for the rest of the evening other than to get myself something to eat. My OCD is costing me money as I had to wash my clothes and strip wash from dirty dishwater again. I am going to buy a dishwasher as an aid for both my daughters and my health. I also need to buy some more wheelie bins because of the amount of PPE I go through. The council will only provide one per household and if I asked my landlord no doubt he would put my rent up. That’s another expense, I wonder if you get vouchers for that lol.

I am feeling anxious about DWP over my award. Granted I have won and am very grateful but am suffering with anxiety and cannot wait for it to be done and dusted. I still have to respond to the discrimination allegation I made, as now I have concrete hard evidence that they did discriminate against me.

That’s it for today, bye for now. 19.46 hrs.

28/04/24 – 12.05 hrs

Although I got up early today at 8 am I have been procrastinating all morning. I have also been feeling sick, yesterday and today. My vertigo is causing me concern and it cannot be from the meds as I run out for a whole week but the sensation is still the same. I did notice not taking tablets for my overactive bladder I went back to 1.5 hours going to the bathroom. I have resumed the medication today with Sertraline on a higher dose from 50mg to 100mg.

I still have to write an article today as that is my obligation to Microsoft that host my site as per their terms and conditions. I finally became a Microsoft Start Partner after there was an issue with my logo which I rectified. Now whenever I comment on their news feeds my logo and “Disabled Entrepreneur UK” come up rather than my name, and they seem to be ranking my articles fairly high. I have noticed that I cannot add affiliate links, hashtags, or banner ads, so I have adopted the same strategy of the mainstream newspapers with the end note stating my services.

I am going to take it easy today other than publish an article, but that’s all I am going to be doing because I do not feel very well and need to prioritize my obligation to my home and my daughter before thinking about anything else.

12.22 hrs.

27/04/24 – 13.39 hrs

I woke up fairly late this morning 11.30 am to be precise to a pounding headache. When I looked in the mirror my eyelids were swollen and my eyes bloodshot.

I then proceeded to go into the kitchen. I brushed my arm against a storage container in the corridor which then set my OCD off, and forced me to disinfect my arm but as I was doing so spraying undiluted Dettol on my arm some of the spray went into my left eye, and not much but it did burn. I then did an eye bath to soothe the pain. This then reminded me of the time I was subjected to physical abuse when he sprayed a concoction of chemicals into my eyes purposely and I tried to save his sorry arse from serving time. I regret many things I have done in my time; he is no longer in the UK and is someone else’s problem. I believe there are so many chances before your luck runs out and I guess a leopard does not change its spots so what he did to me he will most definitely do to someone else.

I wish I could just erase all the memories but I suppose I have learned from this and can give guidance to other men and women in toxic relationships. To think a person will change is naive because they won’t, I know this firsthand. I still have all the audio recordings I made when he threatened me multiple times. The reason I do not leave my home is for two reasons, number one, my OCD germ contamination, and secondly the fear that someone could be lurking outside. (remember I mentioned a fortnight ago someone tried forcing the front door and also throwing a stone against my window in the early hours). He used to say a favour for a favour and all Poles stick together. He also has some very unsavoury acquaintances, so I do not put any personal information like my address or telephone for all of sundry to see. I have even tweaked my name just in case.

Ideally, I would like to start my life afresh but it is finances and my business that are holding me back as well as my health. It is a vicious circle. I feel safe being a recluse. No one can get to me. I have blocked him and all his family and friends on all social media platforms.

I have done some work today I published a page: It is short and to the point and I cannot wait to scan my site to see if there are any copyright images. I believe there aren’t any copyright images as I make sure everything is backlinked with credits so will be interesting to see what this parasite troll was on about yesterday. When they mention Bitcoin and cryptocurrency I do wonder if they are legit, they could easily mask themselves behind a legitimate company. I have put a disclaimer on the front of the page in the sidebar and also in the footer. It is not pretty, I have a plugin that is causing me some problems, and need to pay someone to fix the problem because I have tried to do it myself without avail.

I am protecting my mental health and won’t let anyone take advantage of me.

My head is spinning and am not very clever on my feet at the moment so am trying not to move around too much. My health is concerning me and the more pressure I am under the worse my health is becoming. I wish I had someone to take care of all my problems.

I am going to try not to stress and hopefully, my disclaimer will be enough to put off data scrapers including people touting for business.

Over and out 14.20 hrs.

27/04/24 – 00.56 hrs

There is a disturbing trend going on at the moment with copyright trolls and I have been subjected to allegations that I have used copyright images. I purposely do not steal images and any that have been published on my sites always have a backlink and credits. Not only this I have multiple writers that submit work and I do not have the time or energy to make sure they are not infringing copyright. Simply scanning my sites without my permission contravenes the Computer Misuse Act 1990, hence why I acquired the domain which I intend to develop into a website later this year. Currently, it is pointing to a landing page, but everything is on hold at the moment because of my finances.

I feel sad that an entity demands stupid amounts of money without giving a chance to purchase a license. I intend to scan my site using software once I get paid.

People are driving nails into my coffin and I am trying my hardest to keep the lid open.

Where I was excited to have an article published about my personal brand I have had to unpublish it as I do not want these parasites to know anything about me. They claim they have sent hard copies of the evidence to my address which is not published on the internet. There is another website similar to mine “Disabled Entrepreneurs” (plural), so I suspect they may have their wires crossed. If I do find any images that have infringed copyright I will just pay for a license and these entities can go f*ck themselves. To protect my mental health I have blocked their email address.

I also have a problem with one of the e-commerce sites for my paying client and have reached out to the hosting provider for support. Although I did some SEO yesterday I was also going to read up on some law literature but ended up wasting my brain cells watching cr*p on Amazon Prime and Netflix.

My spinning sensation has returned and I feel as if I am on a ship. I have sailed a few times in the past so I know what it is like.

People need to learn to leave me alone.

Anyway rant over, goodnight. 01.23 hrs.

26/04/24 – 13.41 hrs

It’s important to acknowledge the challenges some individuals face when navigating the bureaucracy of benefit systems, it’s also crucial to maintain a balanced perspective. The Department for Work and Pensions (DWP) Personal Independence Payment (PIP) system is designed to assess and provide support to those with long-term health conditions or disabilities, aiming to ensure fair and appropriate distribution of resources.

That said, it’s understandable that individuals may encounter obstacles and frustrations when dealing with bureaucratic processes. Long hold times, repetitive security questions, and encountering unhelpful or seemingly indifferent call handlers can undoubtedly add stress to an already challenging situation. Additionally, a perceived belittling tone or attitude from staff can exacerbate feelings of frustration and powerlessness. I believe certain factors are put in place to put the applicant off pursuing their application or appeal.

It’s important for institutions like the DWP to continually evaluate and improve their processes to ensure they are as efficient, respectful, and supportive as possible. This includes providing adequate training for staff to handle inquiries with empathy and professionalism and implementing systems to reduce wait times and streamline processes.

For individuals navigating the PIP system, it can be helpful to seek support from advocacy organizations or welfare rights advisers who can provide guidance and assistance throughout the process. Additionally, providing feedback directly to the DWP about experiences with their services can contribute to ongoing improvements in the system.

As mentioned navigating the system, I phoned twice today to find out what is happening about my case, to be greeted by the first representative who was asking about my previous addresses even though I have lived at the current property for 25 years, so after being on hold for 30 minutes I was told I did not pass security and had to phone up again to be put on hold for another 30 minutes. The second time I spoke to someone with a foreign accent who said that the letter from the court was not on their system and that it can take up to 28 days for it to show, followed by which a case manager will then send a letter from PIP about the decision. The DWP tried to overturn the very first PIP assessment appeal from a few years ago and tried to overturn again the current one, but failed as I was awarded the enhanced rate for both living and mobility indefinitely. The longer they take to pay me the more money they will owe. Granted I am exhausted from this and want to move on but still have two hurdles to overcome, disability discrimination and emotional distress. Some would have already given up by now but I am like a ferret once I get my teeth into something I do not let go.

It is clear they discriminated as I WON the case. The case is now closed. I have also noticed they do not like it when I tell them you do not accept incoming calls. The way I see it, I am protecting my mental health and will not make an exception for anyone unless it is scheduled.

So now I have to wait on the letter from the case handler and depending on what it says will use it to back up my case for disability discrimination and emotional distress.

I sense there is a lot of prejudice and stigma surrounding PIP claimants by the DWP. I will just have to wait a little longer. Coincidently on the same day I received the letter from the court I received a letter dated the same day from PIP stating they had not discriminated.

I will give them two weeks and will phone them again, if they then still say they have not received the letter from the court I will send them my copy via email and also will phone the court. I do not trust DWP at all, considering I requested my PIP report 4 times and only received 1 copy which I cited in my letters of complaint. Why do you think £100m was not paid out to people who did not claim universal credit before the deadline? I suspect the letters were never sent out, hence I am keeping a close eye on my tax credits:

I am very grateful that my landlord’s agent has discounted my rent today. So I have paid my rent in full early. All I have now to pay is the hosting provider.

As for my health, I have run out of my medication and have noticed I am back to peeing every 1.5 hours and it does not give me time to reach the toilet, making me trickle. What I do is fold layers of toilet paper as a kind of makeshift panty liner as I do not want to start buying them as they are expensive. It does help to a certain degree as it absorbs the moisture long enough until I empty my bladder.

My left hand wrist is causing me problems but have not had a proper diagnosis although I suspect it could be carpal syndrome. My choking is concerning me also as even this morning I could feel my food slowly moving causing me pain and discomfort.

My health is what it is, I cannot do anything about it and have to live and learn. I am not the type of person to moan about my aches and pains and do the best that I can with whatever is available to me.

Whilst I still have DWP/PIP hanging over my head I am still feeling anxious and my OCD is getting worse than better. As an example dirty dishwater splashed onto my hoodie which them made me have to change my clothes and disinfect my body. Also, the wind from the U-Bend in the toilet when you lift the lid will smack you in the face if you’re not careful. I do not like draughts from my microwave, fan heater, vacuum, or toilet, in fact from anything that blows air and pathogens. You guessed it not from a hairdryer either but that’s another story…

I feel exhausted even though I have to do work and run my business. I will concentrate on SEO all day to day and read some information about law.

I will update you about PIP as and when I get some news.

Wishing you a nice weekend ahead.

14.53 hrs.

24/04/24 – 18.15 hrs

Today I wrote a couple of articles and will be doing some SEO in a while. I had a choking episode with food lodged which I ended up bringing up, I know gross (TMI) but it has to be said. This is starting to be a regular occurrence and I do not want to resort to liquid diets, (I don’t mean alcohol). Although I do like soup occasionally I would not want it every day, (I also would not want to resort to smoothie pizzas either, just kidding).

I also had a lightheaded feeling which passed the moment I sat down but yesterday evening my balance was making me lean backward. I do not know what is going on with my body. When I finally retired to go to sleep my ankles were like balloons. My mother used to suffer from puffy ankles (RIP).

Nothing exciting happened today other than my vinyl gloves delivery, which was a good thing as I was down to my last pair.

There isn’t much to report, same old news just a different day.

Clocking off at 18.29 hrs.

23/04/24 – 20.03 hrs

I got up before 8 am this morning to phone the doctor and within 15 minutes she phoned me back. She has increased my dosage of Sertraline from 50 mg to 100 mg, however, I am not going to get this straight away as Boots has to collect it and then dispense it which will take a few days. She asked me about my mood and it has not changed I still feel sad but am keeping myself busy so as not to worry and think about things.

Yesterday I could have killed the cat as I walked around the flat with only a t-shirt and underwear as he ran past me wrapping his tail against my leg. I ended up dousing my leg with Dettol which was bought for me followed by washing it in antibacterial hand soap and then spraying it with disinfectant again. I think I would have been more pissed if I had washed my clothes and put them on only for him to brush past me. However, I did not entirely come out unscathed as I dropped my trousers on the floor by accident and could not blame anyone other than myself when I was taking the washing out of the washing machine, so they now have to be washed again. My OCD won’t let me pick them up off the floor and then wear them, they need to be washed with 9 capfuls of Dettol and then rinsed with four, don’t ask me why my brain is forcing me to do this and I have tried fighting the thoughts as taught in exposure-response therapy (ERT) and I cannot resist the urge, believe me, I have tried.

I am running low on disposable vinyl gloves and where I thought I was getting next-day delivery, they are now coming on Friday, so have had to order another box for tomorrow. At least now I am stocked up for 2 weeks.

I did do some work today for my business but still have to do a lot of SEO, I helped to write an article about migration letters which took me a few hours to draft even though I did not put my name on it as I mainly did the research and authorized the publication about how people are missing deadlines because I suspect the letters are not being sent out. I also phoned the hosting provider and they must employ people based not on their IQ as I have sent the same email several times since the 15th of this month and my issue is still ongoing. I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs at the woman with broken English. I am not good at talking on the phone as at times I can be arrogant and rude according to my daughter. People should not rattle me and I won’t be rude.

Something is bugging me, that is in the news about the Administrative Earnings Threshold (AET), which means everyone should have a self-sufficient income and if they do not meet that threshold they will be denied financial support and forced to get a second job. But the thing is, people have commitments and may not be able to work more hours. What about the disabled or self-employed who may not earn the minimum requirements what happens to them? The entities are getting greedier and greedier at the expense of the vulnerable. This has been the worst time ever in all the years I have been on this earth. What is the ultimate goal, that is the bigger question. They go on about asylum seekers, but if they did not start wars people would not flee, so whose fault is it that we have immigration and boat people hitting our shores? People need to wake up to see what is going on.

Anyway, that is it for today. I can only do so much before I start burning myself out.

Wishing you a nice evening. 20.24 hrs.

22/04/24 – 14.35 hrs

I don’t believe it, I updated this post today and navigated away without saving the changes consequently losing everything I had written.

I wrote asking the question what is wrong with Tesco not having ‘Dettol’ Antiseptic Disinfectant in store, this has been going on for weeks. I need it to wash my clothes and have run out. As you can gather I did a grocery shop online which was delivered today but as I was putting the shopping away I brushed my backside against the corridor wall which in turn caused me to have an OCD-compulsive reaction to strip all my clothes off and change into clean clothes, the only problem is all my clothes are waiting to go into the wash but have no Dettol, so I am sitting here with only my t-shirt and underwear. I am going to have to put the heating on, as I cannot be sitting here in the cold as I do not want my knee playing up.

I also wrote in the post that disappeared that I was asked by the PIP assessor why I never had my kneecap replaced and I replied who would run my business if I was incapacitated in hospital? I guess I am not going to do that any time soon.

I also mentioned I did not phone the GP this morning and am running low on medication so will have to first thing tomorrow phone the doctor and request a callback.

Finally, I said I was excited as I published my first MSN article: I don’t know why they have elected it under the category Money but then again it could be because it is money-related. I have shared it on LinkedIn, Skype and Facebook. On Facebook, I have about 4.5K followers, and on LinkedIn over 12K.

That is it for today other than I need to phone the hosting provider ASAP.

Fingers Crossed it saves this time 14.52 hrs.

21/04/24 – 14.38 hrs

It is a coincidence that I write this entry literally at the same time as yesterday’s post.

I am not feeling well and can’t wait to speak with the Doctor tomorrow, my head keeps spinning, and also when I bend down, from the base of my spine to the nape of my neck I get shooting pains and the only way to alleviate the symptoms is to sit down and take pain killers. My ex-husband used to say with all the symptoms I have if I was a horse they would have shot me. He is no longer with us God rest his soul. Another thing is I have choked on my food four times this week. If only we could just take a pill rather than eat.

On another note, I am puzzled by a letter I received yesterday from Capita claiming they have not discriminated. My next hurdle is to take legal action against them as I have proof that they did. I know I have a mission in life and I believe what I am doing with these sites is helping people and am getting the recognition but I also want to tell my story and finally put the past behind me. Whilst I have Capita and DWP hanging over my head with the discrimination and emotional distress, I am forced to recollect all the bad things that have happened in my life the physical and emotional abuse I endured, and all the grief I have gone through.

I believe my mission in life is to fight for people’s rights and motivate and empower them. Because of my OCD, I am unable to go outside and am working on recovery and healing again. I have suffered from OCD for over 30 years and have gone out in the past but now I cannot because my fear of germs has intensified. People spread germs as well as animals, hence my daughter’s cat never goes outside. I wrote an article about this today:

I do not have the energy to do anything today and am feeling cold. It is saying it is 13 degrees, it feels colder and I have checked the weather forecast and the temperature is dropping. I do not think I should suffer being cold whilst the 1% roll around in their wealth. I know I am not the only one that thinks this way and I read every day how people are very unhappy with what is going on in this world.

That is it for today. Wishing you a nice Sunday what’s left of it.

15.34 hrs.

20/04/24 – 14.37 hrs

Good Afternoon,

I got up pretty late this morning and am starting to get a headache. It does not help when the next-door dogs are barking and whining consistently because the owners have left them at home alone.

I have been busy writing an article and am encouraging people to have a carbon footprint of medical records to build evidence of specialist assessment and disabilities. (This is proof I actually do work for my business. Websites do not rank on their own, and one has to consistently write content and SEO). For me, I do not need to have sick notes as I am self-employed so if I am not feeling very well I do not have to answer to anyone only myself, and can just take time out, that’s the beauty of being an entrepreneur.

I am not saying that everyone should request all their medical records but can request letters of the assessments at the time of consultation. I did request my medical records backdated to 1992 when I first came to Wales, which now I have access to for my whole lifetime and it was interesting to read as there are some inaccuracies.

I am phoning my GP on Monday as I am running out of medication and even though I noted from my medical records that my meds were on repeat, Boots Pharmacy does not believe so.

I am supposed to phone my hosting provider but do not have the energy to do much else other than what I have already done today. I am still procrastinating and have a mountain of work to do and people to contact but cannot deal with people today. I have done my one post a day to keep the wolves at bay for today so am not going to be doing anything else other than some SEO and answering my emails.

Wishing you a nice weekend.

15.05 hrs.

19/04/24 – 20.55 hrs

I have had quite an eventful day today. It started with me waking at 10 am I then ordered a delivery from Deliveroo as I had run out of food. I then checked my emails and texted the previous tenants about their mail. On the topics of mail, I received a brown letter and to my surprise, I have had the PIP decision overturned and am now entitled to the higher rate indefinitely. The decision was made on the 16th of April 2024 even though there was no notification of a hearing. I guess it did not go all the way because my evidence was damming. This is just the first hurdle because I aim to go for disability discrimination and emotional distress now that I have a decision from the court. I am now going to have to wait to hear from DWP.

I am now more determined than ever to learn about human rights law and defend everyone that the system has mistreated.

My health today, I am still experiencing a choking feeling when I eat and my stomach has been bad all day. I still feel anxious despite having a positive outcome from PIP and my heart is pounding even though I am sitting down typing.

I did ghost write an article today about sick notes and PIP overhaul and have read how people are really not happy with the plans. From a personal perspective, no amount of pep talks is ever going to help with my OCD. I know what the root cause is and no therapy is going to cure me. Journalling helps to a certain degree and pre-occupying your mind with positivity and things you love doing also helps but when everything is done and the night is quiet, that is when the intrusive thoughts come flooding in.

Moving on, this is now my first step to recovery after a traumatic 6.5 months. I still have another hurdle to get through but feel optimistic.

I am ending the post now as today has been quite hectic with the delivery grocery shop the mail and interactions with my hosting provider and Microsoft Partner Hub. Yes, you read that right I will be able to publish articles on MSN soon once my logo gets approved. I also had an IT problem with one of my clients’ checkout so need to go back to it before retiring for the night.

Goodnight 21.43 hrs.

18/04/24 – 22.58 hrs

I’m back again…I am overthinking things and procrastinating. My one post a day to keep the wolves at bay has gone out of the window. Although I have many articles in draft mode, I do not have the energy to edit them let alone perform SEO. I also posted on LinkedIn that I am open for hire and after 300 impressions I quickly deleted the post because I was then questioning myself what on earth was I thinking. I will never be an employee as I have too much to lose. I have got this far so I must just keep on going.

I did manage to scan all the medical records of importance which I will spend tomorrow redacting information, but now I have proof my knee is shot to pieces and I have dysphagia and cerebellar atrophy on top of my OCD and depression. It will be interesting how DWP will try to wriggle out of this.

I also aim to get up pretty early tomorrow to phone my hosting provider and rip into them, as they are scamming me. They do not want to get on my bad side.

I will then do a mini grocery shop which I was meant to do yesterday and kept putting it off and now I have run out of food and my monster energy drinks, other than the leftover past that I cooked today. The rest will have to be binned. I hate throwing out food but there is only so much of one dish you can eat without getting tired of it besides I have had food lodged 3 times this week, so I need to go on a liquid diet like soup, something that is not dry. The first time I choked this week was eating a sandwich fast. So I have to be careful of what I eat and eat slowly.

As for tomorrow, I also intend to contact the previous tenants which I should have done today but I was spinning out and fearful of going down the stairs.

This is my final entry for today. Thankfully it is not as cold as it was yesterday, so I am hoping I can get an early night and sleep for a good few hours without any disturbance eg the temperature dropping or me going to the loo.

Goodnight from me. 23.25 hrs.

18/04/24 – 12.53 hrs

I woke at 08.30 hrs this morning and miraculously slept right the way through considering before taking the medication Solifenacin Succinate I would wake every 1.5 hours to go to the bathroom to empty my bladder. The sun was blazing through my windows and the central heating was on which I turned off before feeding the cat. I was feeling very groggy and although I wanted to go back to sleep my inner voice was telling me to do some work. However, all the planning I have done from the beginning of this week I avoid like the plague. I am procrastinating and not doing what I am supposed to be doing. I even had a domain investor tell me off as I had not adjusted the destination to the domains which has damaged my credibility. I have now spent this morning forwarding domains. I am struggling to run my business properly because of all the stress I am under. My OCD has been the worst in all the years I have suffered from it.

I am not the only one that is having a hard time with human interaction. I would not say I despise humanity I just hate the malevolent entities that control the world. Bridgette Bardo was a Hollywood Movie Star in her heyday. I can relate to some of the things she was quoted as saying (screenshot below).

I will try and make an effort to reach out to a couple of people today that I will have no choice but to physically interact with. There is nothing wrong with these people they have not hurt me in any way and I class them as friends but I am not big on small talk and do not want to pretend I am a happy soul when I am not. Acting all cheerful with smiles is false and I am not great at intermingling with society. I just want to be left alone.

I will scan the medical records and message the previous tenants as there is mail for them waiting to be collected. I am dreading facing the new tenants as I hate being false. It is also embarrassing for me to be wearing latex gloves when there is no pandemic and I do not like being judged or having to explain myself. I hate telling people I have OCD and not to stand too close to me and give me space in the communal corridor. Yes, I am vocal about my health online but it is not like I am going to face anyone anytime soon to talk about my health. I shy away from being photographed and will not appear in videos. I am happy to write content that is educational about OCD and Mental Health but having to explain myself is another story. Behind this computer screen, I do not care what other people think it is the physical encounters that I feel embarrassed about and have difficulty contending with.

Anyway, I am done yabbering on. I am signing off at 13.32 hrs.

18/04/24 – 00.24 hrs

I did not think I would be back here so soon. I have had no option but to put the heating on as is cold and the pain in my knee is excruciating to the point I could scream. The temperature is 5 degrees and is dropping. It is April for f*cks sake, it shouldn’t be this cold but if they are playing God like in UAE where they cloud-seeded and ended up with one year of rain in one day nothing surprises me. Desert city of Dubai floods as heaviest rainfall in 75 years hits UAE | Dubai | The Guardian They claim they did not but they are going to say that. All I can say is serves them right (Karma). They should not be playing with nature. I cannot sleep as the pain is unbearable. Well, at least I can have a lie-in as I have no deliveries other than my mini shop which I will do when I get up.

So it is a good night from me until later today. I’m clocking off at 00.46 hrs.

17/04/24 – 19.37 hrs

I’m back again because I need to vent. I managed to answer all my emails but have not done what I intended to do earlier this afternoon. My latex gloves arrived but have not had the energy or motivation to scan my medical records. I can feel my heart beating fast and am feeling overwhelmed and sad, the sertraline tablets are doing nothing for me other than making me spin out. I did manage to write an article and at the same time promote my business and personal brand: I am connected to some freelance marketplaces that are saturated and am not very active on them. I find LinkedIn the best source for lead generation but I have not been very active on there either. The article I wrote needs some SEO but I will leave it for another day as I need to psych myself up to do things. I am trying to stay positive and that soon all my problems will be over. It is not for the lack of trying that I cannot move forward in life. I do not have a bottomless bucket of money to invest in PPC Advertising or TV, Radio, or Editorial Advertising. I have joined many groups in health and wellbeing and am hoping that someone will want my services.

I feel that even though the internet is vast and I have many followers, there is no one I can talk to about what DWP has done to me. It is not about the PIP money but how they have treated me like something they stepped in. I have been discriminated against (I have evidence) and it has caused tremendous emotional distress. It doesn’t help that I have had to go through my medical records and recall the number of times I ended up in A&E because of my ex (which is traumatic for me). I just want to put the past behind me and even though I plan to write my autobiography, I have a choice to go there one more time rather than be forced to recall bad memories by any entity. The amount of problems DWP has caused for me is just too much to bear thinking about.

I am trying to continue staying active and positive because I could just as easily say f*ck it and hit the bottle. But I know I am stronger than that and need to keep pushing myself and eventually, I will reach where I am going. Once I get through this hurdle I will be able to teach people to do the same, if they are ever faced with the predicament I am in. DWP even had the cheek to ask to overturn the first decision even though I have a doctor’s letter and witness statement.

On another note, one has to wonder what Liz Truss means by ‘malevolent’ Liz Truss interview: ‘The people who claim I crashed the economy are either very stupid or very malevolent’ ( Is she saying what I have suspected all along that there are evil snakes all around us.

My faith is in Jesus and I pray to him every night.

I am ending this post for today and perhaps tomorrow will be a better day.

20.18 hrs.

17/04/24 – 14.43 hrs

I read online today that it takes 27 weeks before your case is heard in court, so I estimate that in June I will have my hearing, which gives me plenty of time to scan and send all my medical records that I want sharing to them. I asked for my medical records to get evidence that I was diagnosed with cerebellar atrophy and dysphagia. I have all sorts of citations and letters mentioning both disorders.

What I thought was wrong was mentioning my daughter’s health in my medical records which I would think was a breach of privacy. If anything her name should have been redacted. It is up to my daughter now to file a complaint. I noticed some inconsistencies and misinformation in my records but that I will leave for another day.

As for my health, the spinning has subsided, but my OCD, anxiety, and stress are through the roof. I am on tenterhooks waiting for the Amazon delivery for my latex gloves which I am running low and can only do a limited amount of things before I run out completely.

I am also anxious about interacting with people physically and have a responsibility to contact the previous tenants as there is mail for them.

It is not all doom and gloom as I have reached out to a charity to see if they will partner with me. I will also photograph all the medical records that I am to send to the court today when I get my gloves which I have noticed I am doubling or tripling the gloves one on top of the other for the fear of the one pair splitting. I will also try and publish one article today which I have written and is in draft. My theory is to post one article a day to keep the wolves at bay.

I feel very depressed and sad, but am soldiering on.

That’s it for now. 15.05 hrs

16/04/24 – 10.10 hrs

The sh*t show continues with my hosting provider, I finally got my collective invoice and they are crafty hiding add-ons into contracts and renewing domains for 24 months without my permission. There is one person in particular who is on my radar because he has caused a lot of problems. These people who are based in the Philipines use Western names to disguise their real identities and half of them cannot follow simple instructions as in my case this month, the month before, and the month before that.

Now I have to cross-reference the contracts with my dashboard. From what I can see at a glance they have overcharged me £50, well that is a lot of money when I have other bills to pay. They won’t be paid now until the end of the month. They do not give you much time to dispute your invoice and just help themselves to your bank account. I have used the money that I would have paid them to part pay my rent in advance.

As for my health, I am still spinning out it reminds me of the cartoon I watched which was extremely funny: Frog in a Blender – Joe Cartoon

Anyway back to work, time is money…

10.35 hrs

15/04/24 – 21.53 hrs

I am back again and cannot cope with the cold temperature. I feel sorry for the elderly and vulnerable. I read two tornados hit the UK today ripping roofs off houses and turning over caravans from the strong winds. ‘Tornado’ tears through UK as Met Office issues severe wind warning (

I have done nothing proactive today other than household chores, I ended up watching 9 episodes of “The Real Housewives of Beverley Hills”. I only watch it to see how the other half live and envisage myself in one of those houses.

I am losing my patience with my hosting provider over the non-existent collective invoice. What person chases a company to pay them, it is usually the other way around. I need to know when they intend to take money out because I have bills to pay. I guess tomorrow I won’t be as friendly as I was today. I never looked at my medical records in the end as I need to be motivated to do this kind of thing and currently, I have no energy or enthusiasm to do anything at all. I did have some encouraging news with Microsoft Partner Hub asking me to submit a new logo, which is promising.

Anyway, I am definitely finished for today and all I can say my spinning is on and off and was close to the top of the stairs on my corridor when I started feeling light-headed. Also even though it is cold and am tired my heart is racing. I am turning the heating on as I should not have to suffer.

I pray tomorrow will be a better day.

Goodnight 22.07 hrs.

15/04/24 – 12.10 hrs

My fears of my hosting provider f*cking up materialized, they never sent me an invoice which means they will stick another two weeks’ worth of invoices towards the end of the month which will throw me into sh*t street. I do not have an endless amount of money to give them. I am at my witts end with these people who also never changed a contract when I asked them to and charged me the higher rate. So where I tried to sleep and have a lie in, that never happened because my mind would not let me. I have since phoned them a couple of times and I seem to be going round and round in circles. If I could stick my fist down the phone I would. It really riles me when I talk to stupid people who do not listen or take note of simple instructions. I have it in black and white requests and either they cannot be ar*ed to follow things through or are simply lazy or plain stupid.

I am cold and pissed off. My head is spinning and am busting to go to the loo. Everything is getting to me.

I published an article today while waiting to be put through on the phone and checked my emails. I am now going to concentrate on my medical records and if I am not too tired, write an article or two, later on today.

That’s it for now, I still might update this post as I have a lot of pent-up anger and need to release my stress and anxiety.

I am not in a good mood or a good place in my head right now. Bye for now.

Notice the time it took me to write this insert, my brain is not working.

12.41 hrs

15/04/24 – 00.26 hrs

In anticipation of the bulk invoice that is due to be generated by my hosting provider today, I cannot sleep even though I have taken a Mirtazapine tablet. The bulk invoice is several hundreds of pounds and every month I dispute it because every month they f*ck up. On top of this, my right knee (rheumatoid arthritis) is hurting to the point it is unbearable. The temperature has dropped which is causing the pain. and my left wrist has throbbing pain, I have Googled what it could be, and from what I can gather it is ‘Carpal Tunnel Syndrome’. I take my co-codamol as it helps with many ailments including diarrhea and headaches.

I am also feeling anxious because I am on a guilt trip about writing what I did yesterday but at the time I felt angry. I told my daughter and she wasn’t happy either. I need people to support me and not be judgemental. I need people to show interest in what I do. If I get many subscribers I must be doing something right, but I need my close network of connections to also take some notice and empower me.

I still have not gone through my medical records and that will be on my agenda later today after I wake up and after I have cross-referenced the dreaded invoice. I have so much work to do and I keep procrastinating hoping the faeries will somehow magically do it for me.

I have one website I have to work on for a paying client urgently and what have I been doing yesterday, basically twiddling my thumbs?

I am struggling with my mental health and am finding it very difficult to run my business. I inadvertently advertise my content writing services every time I publish an article and do not get any enquiries. If my content was substandard people would not be subscribing and I even publish my prices so I do not know what the problem is. I am also waiting for the Microsoft Partner Program to come back to me as they did not approve my logo.

I am going to try not to stress myself out and take one small step at a time. I will do the invoice first followed by medical records and check my email. If I have time I may attempt to write another “How To” article, but it all depends on how I am going to feel when I get up.

Goodnight 00.57 hrs.

14/04/24 – 17.14 hrs

I have started a series of tutorials which I have published under my name today on the site. My mental health is not great and whilst I am not on the verge of crying I have a lot of pent-up rage. People need to be educated about discrimination and ableism. Why do people ask about your health if they have no interest in your well-being to begin with or even you for that matter? Why ask how I manage to alleviate my stress with an open-ended question? Why bother asking when you can read about my health online? There is no magic pill for stress (other than valium, alcohol, or recreational drugs, not recommended).

Stress can be alleviated over time and I know my triggers.

I have little respect for people who threaten me and then pretend they never said a thing, or just show off their vacations and worldly possessions. I also have little respect for people who refuse to empower you. They say sharing is caring, so how come I never get likes or shares of my posts from certain individuals? An example, I shared a link to my new website and did not get any feedback I then mentioned I might be starting UNI this year and you would think the follow-up question would be “Studying What” and my comment was brushed aside as if it did not matter. I am not naming names but the person reading this will know who I am referring to. is a big deal to me and my UNI announcement but not a big deal to the person who I had hoped to get feedback from.

The lesson I learned today is do not share with this individual anything about me. They can read it in my book when I’m dead. It’s people like this that cause me depression because they make me doubt myself. It’s people like this that make me want to isolate. I don’t need anyone else in my life other than my daughter and the cat.

Ableism is assuming I can go out and interact with the public just like any other able-bodied person. People need to understand that I get extremely stressed simply thinking about things.

I am done for today. 18.01 hrs.

13/04/24 – 15.53 hrs

I have literally sat down after spending 2 hours in the kitchen cleaning, my head is spinning and I have no energy to do much else. I can just about write this entry and the the number of the day is bothering me (13) I was born on the 13th and it was drummed into my head that 13 was an unlucky number, so the intrusive thoughts of the explanation of my life must be because of this number. I am not dwelling on it and am looking forward to tomorrow. I am saying to myself it is just a number. I am fighting my thoughts. I could turn it around and say if I was born on a different day my life would be completely different and maybe even worse. I have to think of all the positive things that I have in my life, like my online journals, my business, my network of connections, and my beautiful, intelligent daughter. My health and business websites are what keep me going as well as my daughter. Nothing else and no one else matters.

Tomorrow is another day and I wish everyone a nice weekend.

16.09 hours.

12/04/24 – 14.45 hrs

I finally got my medical records from my GP today and I think I may have triggered something because the tribunal wrote to me by email and so did the hospital reference my medical records, on top of this I also received a letter from Capita stating it is going to take longer to deal with my complaint and also another letter from the hospital saying exactly what was in the email.

I feel very overwhelmed by all this information and just want to bury my head in the sand and wait for it all to go away. I know I requested my medical records but it was so that I would never get caught out again to prove I have a disability. I will be encouraging people to do the same. I have already spotted errors and that will be another thing I will need to address.

The sooner everything goes digital including money it will not only save the ecosystem but also the public purse strings. People who go on about saving paper money, are the ones who do not wish to declare their earnings (I have a window cleaner who only accepts cash, which tells me he is claiming and not declaring). It is only a matter of time before these people get caught out.

I have published a couple of articles today and that is it I feel burnt out. My head is spinning and simply do not have the energy to do much else other than the normal household chores.

I just want to sleep, perhaps as I nod off a brilliant idea will come to mind to write, I usually watch movies for inspiration and surf the net for research, so maybe one day I will be the next JK Rowling.

Anyway am clocking off for today, wishing you all a nice weekend.

15.05 hrs.

11/04/24 – 17.20 hrs

It is Thursday but feels like Friday and it is April and I am cold. My knee hurts when the temperature drops and need to take painkillers. I still am experiencing the spinning out sensation.

As for work I published a couple of articles and checked my emails and that is it, I simply do not have the motivation or energy to do anything else.

This is a short entry as I do not have much else to say.

17.27 hrs.

10/04/24 – 15.16 hrs

I forgot to mention something that my daughter mentioned on Monday which happened Sunday night, because I am hard of hearing I cannot hear certain sounds. My hearing is due to overactive earwax which I have not been able to have syringed because I am unable to go to the doctor’s surgery.

Anyway back to what happened my daughter heard the front door being forced at 1 am, she proceeded to go downstairs to make sure our flat door was locked but it seems a bit of a coincidence that a stone was thrown at my living room window about a fortnight ago in the early hours.

I am paranoid that my abuser is back in town. I have blocked him on all my social media platforms and my phone so the only way he can get to me is if he visited and no way on God’s earth will I ever open the door to him again. My daughter suffers from PTSD after a detective let himself in without a warrant about 15 years ago and was demoted after I made an official complaint.

I am digressing but I feel uneasy and am worried my abuser may be lurking in our vicinity. From what I was told he returned to Poland about 7 years ago but it does not stop him from coming on holiday or even getting his job back if he is desperate. I have tried to block everything that he did to me out of my head and am trying to heal. It does not help that I had to recollect certain things over the DWP/PIP application. I am trying not to think too much about it and am trying to move on.

Some good news my medical records are ready to be collected which have been printed off. Once I get them I will forward everything that is evidence to the tribunal, which is taking forever. Come the end of the week I should have enough evidence including a finite letter that I wrote to my doctor many years ago about my scheduled timeline which I have now changed because I use latex disposable gloves to do anything around the house and when I have to meet and greet couriers. I won’t let my disability define me as I was doing in the past and have now adapted my disability around my life and I have set goals that I am working on to achieve. Before when my parents and my brother passed away I was lost and then came the abusive relationship which I am trying to put behind me. The icing on the cake was most recent with DWP/PIP causing me a lot of emotional distress and disability discrimination, hence now I have to start all over again and take each day as it comes, taking baby steps to heal.

I intend to write a book about my life and have already started it but it is finding the time to complete it. I also need to decide on a title. I was thinking “Renata Risen” or “Renata Rising”, because when I am knocked down I will get up again with a vengeance.

Also, I do not know what I have triggered but I am getting some heavyweight organizations subscribing. Don’t get me wrong I am grateful for all the subscribers but it is who they are which are slightly concerning, watching me, watching you…

That’s it for today, 16.19 hrs.

09/04/24 – 12.47 hrs

Telephone etiquette should be taught in all organizations and call centers, having to speak to a receptionist at my doctor’s surgery who asked and I quote “So what’s wrong with you” is personal and rude. I was phoning for a call back to request a review of my medication and whilst I said to the doctor I was not spinning out at the time, the feeling started again no sooner I ended the call and I feel I am on a rollercoaster.

The doctor told me to stop the sertraline if the symptoms persist. I need something to stop me from feeling depressed which in turn makes my OCD worse. I think hitting the bottle of alcohol will do a better and faster job than being a guinea pig experimenting with prescription drugs. Why could she not have prescribed valium for the times I feel very low? To state, this drug is addictive, so is co-codamol which I have been on for the last decade and I am not dependent as I only use it when I am in pain.

I also spoke about my medical records and they point-blank refused which is ableism because they assume I can touch the documents which I can’t because of my OCD. If the government can send documents with 386 pages digitally so can any other organisation and there should be no excuse. I even stated today I could not touch the documents and it went over the doctor’s head. This tells me they are not disability friendly and do not care how it is going to affect me having to scan each document into a digital file. I thought the documents were already printed, but apparently, they are not, so why has this not been done already? Even if I could not get a courier they should have been ready to send by post in a worse-case scenario. Time is ticking and I need my medical records ASAP.

I keep going on like a broken record, I am struggling with my mental health and need someone to help me with my business because there are so many things to do and I am only doing one thing at a time, not to burn myself out.

If I had an abundance of money I would hire someone but I don’t so am looking for volunteers that will get a return on investment once they put the work in. I did post an AD on a group called “I Need Business Partners” on Facebook and had one person reach out, I gather just to be nosey. I am confident someone will see my worth as I would not have so many subscribers each day if my site was not great, it is all a matter of time.

That is it for today, rant over. 13.17 hrs.

07/04/24 – 15.06 hrs

Good Afternoon again, as I got up today I noticed my vertigo had not subsided but I tried to not focus on it as I went into the kitchen to prepare food, however upon eating, the food got lodged and did not go down, which caused me to throw up. This in turn gave me a headache which thankfully has gone but my spinning sensation is still there.

As for my constant worries, I have noticed my depression is much worse, even though I am taking Sertraline it is not doing anything for me. I need something stronger and am fighting my hardest not to turn to alcohol or smoking.

For my business, I can just about read and answer my emails and maybe do one task a day, but that is it. My head is in the clouds. I think karma has paid me a visit whereby people contact me daily selling me their services and I reject their offers now that I am looking for work, especially content writing and digital marketing all I am hearing is crickets. All the jobs I see on LinkedIn especially, require you to have a bachelor’s degree to write content…really, whilst job boards and marketplaces require you to take tests to prove your competency. I am now just relying on networking and organic traffic.

I am depressed which is a knock-on effect for my OCD. I wish my life would just get better so that I can start to heal.

Time is ticking and I need to get on and do stuff, so am bidding farewell for today.

Wishing you a relaxed Sunday what is left of it.

15.33 hrs.

06/04/24 16.31 hrs

Good Afternoon, I have just listened to a motivational video clip about making goals and thinking big. I plan to make it big by helping people start their journeys through this platform and also through Where I have been going wrong in joining groups and pages that are saturated with nonsense and scammers, so I am steering away and relying on good old-fashioned networking and organic traffic. My health is no good and all I can manage is one task a day in my business. My lightheadedness has not gone away and it seems as if it is getting worse rather than better. The medication for my overactive bladder is a waste of space and I keep getting an on and off pain in my left wrist. I am not great to be around and cannot face humans other than my daughter.

There is not much of an update today other than me giving mail to the old tenants of which one letter was missing and I suspect the new tenants took it because I certainly didn’t. My daughter and I are thinking of installing CCTV because we do not trust them and my daughter is complaining she can smell weed coming from downstairs. If it wreaks from the outside all it takes is someone to grass (no pun intended) and we do have the type of neighbors that would call the police.

That’s it for today, no other gossip. 16.50 hrs

05/04/24 14.21 hrs

I am still not quite right and am still experiencing vertigo. I have to walk extra slowly so as not to fall over. I did try phoning the GP to arrange a callback and the particular doctor I wanted to speak with was not available until next Monday so I asked to have a call back next Monday only to be told that is not how their system works and that I need to phone on Monday at 8 am. I replied just write a note and stick it on the doctor’s desk and the receptionist refused.

On another note, I have new neighbors and have noticed mail going missing. I am concerned as I have highly sensitive documents sent to me and am getting anxious that they could get intercepted. I even wrote an email to my GP not to send my medical records through the post and that I will arrange for someone to collect them on my behalf seeing as they cannot be arsed to send it digitally. I find it hard to touch letters as I cannot sanitize them so have to use multiple pairs of gloves and the only way for me to make them digital is to photograph each letter, so do the maths if I have a document that is 400 pages on both sides I would need 800 pairs of gloves, to photograph each side.

I do not think people realize the ordeal I have to go through to do certain things.

The tribunal is causing me anxiety and distress as it seems it is going on forever. I read today that depression can be the onset of a stroke. My mother died from a stroke and I do not want to go the same way. The lightheadedness I am experiencing is concerning me hence I need to speak with a doctor.

That’s it for today, I doubt I will be updating until tomorrow.

15.00 hrs

04/04/24 15.42 hrs

I had a rough night last night. All evening from tea time food was lying on my stomach and when I decided to go to sleep around 1 am this morning I had acid reflux traveling into my mouth. The taste was rancid and it even managed to get up my nostrils. So after going to the bathroom and spewing my guts out, I sat up for a while before attempting to go to sleep again only to be woken again 30 minutes later with a mouthful of acid which was burning my throat. I waited to try and vomit naturally but nothing was coming out other than saliva so I was forced to put my fingers down my throat to empty my stomach, which worked, however, my throat was burning and I was coughing so I went to the kitchen and drank some milk which is unusual for me as I do not like milk. Anyway, I managed to fall back to sleep and when it came to me emptying my bladder again in the middle of the night I noticed I was very lightheaded and losing my balance. This feeling has gradually subsided even though I still feel lightheaded nearly 12 hours later. I did some research and GERD can be triggered by Stress which I am under a lot of pressure at the moment. Not only this light headiness can also be a symptom of acid reflux although it is not common. I am stationary at the moment but the room still feels like it is spinning.

I am going to request a doctor call back tomorrow as I can only bear to do one thing at a time and have one client urgently waiting on me to sort out his website.

So today, on top of my OCD and depression is not a fantastic day, all things considered, and all I can do is record my symptoms. Gaviscon in this situation when it is mild works but when it is severe as it was this morning all it does is add to the already putrid aftertaste.

To learn more about GERD and lightheadedness read the articles below:

I am now signing off, as I need to get on with things as time is running out.

16.53 hrs

03/04/24 – 13.18 hrs

I am seriously not feeling very well today, I am spinning out after taking my meds this morning. I got up late 11 am to be precise. If I could I would much rather sleep all day than face my responsibilities, but if I do not do any work I cannot keep a roof over my head. Talking of work I did design a website yesterday in less than 12 hours no less for an existing client, albeit I am having to chase him for payment.

The GP came back to me and said they cannot do digital copies of my medical records, if the Government can send me digital data so can the GP. I want to kick off but I would be in imminent danger of being struck off and I need my meds more than ever at the moment. It would not be the first time they have threatened me that they are not obligated to give me care.

I will try and do some outbound marketing today and will try to not move around too much. I have also bookmarked some titles to write articles but again I do not have the energy to stay focused. SEO takes some concentration and with my mind all over the place, I am struggling and procrastinating rather than doing any actual work.

I may or may not update later today if the feeling of lightheadedness passes. I haven’t eaten but at the same time, I am not hungry. Perhaps if I force myself to eat something I may feel a bit better but it is the journey to the kitchen I am worried about just in case I pass out.

Signing off at 13.37 hrs.

02/04/24 – 01.24 hrs

What can I say I have snakes in my pit that won’t leave me alone. I am trying my hardest to stay positive but it is really hard. The longer the saga continues the worse my mental health will become. If you are new to what is going on in my life I have been discriminated against on all counts. I am fighting my corner by myself and it is wearing me down.

My medication is not helping, my heart is racing and I cannot sleep. The cat is doing my head in with his meowing during the night when everyone is trying to sleep.

I am not in the best of moods when I keep being stonewalled by certain entities.

I read yesterday that we have been threatened that we will be nuked, as long as I do not feel a thing and I am with my daughter then what will be will be. Vladimir Putin’s puppet warns UK to be ‘buried under radioactive wave’ in chilling threat ( Maybe this is the master plan to reduce the size of the population and the burden of public spending. I try and avoid reading the news because I cannot deal with what is going on in my life at the moment let alone what is happening in the world. Why write about this, and scare people senseless? This world is a very evil and dangerous place and I can’t wait to live my life in heavenly bliss. I have restored my faith in God and pray every night. I feel a sense of relief writing this as it releases some of the tension I am experiencing, hopefully, it will resonate with someone.

Workwise what I did today/yesterday was tinker with optimising the new website I launched not so long ago other than that I am not with it and my mind wanders with millions of thoughts. My OCD symptoms are getting worse where I am tripling and quadrupling many pairs of gloves one on top of the other. I am not well and the sooner people realise this the better.

This was just a quick check-in. Goodnight 01.47 hrs.

March 2024

Easter Sunday 31st March 2024 – 14.34 hours

My meds are not working I am still highly strung, with a million thoughts rushing through my head.

I feel so lifeless, with no energy. I have a million and one worries and have no one to share them with. I will not be phoning random organizations when I can find the answers to my questions online. I know the root cause of my problems and need my faery godmother to blow them all away.

I am not in a good place in my head at the moment and although I try to keep myself busy it is hard juggling my daily routine especially my business which has been affected by the emotional distress I have endured.

I have noticed some very important heavy-weight organizations subscribing to my sites, which I am not complaining about, but wonder why they have chosen to subscribe in the first place. Is my site resonating with what is being published?

Anyway, this was a quick check-in to say hi.

Bye for now – 14.47 hrs

29th March 2024 -02.07 hrs

I thought to quickly check in and give an update, the doctor’s surgery yesterday emailed me to say they cannot give my medical records digitally because the file is too big. If the government can send large documents then there should be no excuse. I reckon they are being awkward.

As for my health as you can see I am wide awake and in excruciating pain in both my knees despite having the heating on full blast. I reckon my meter reading will be about £5K as I have had the heating on most of the winter. These utility companies should subsidize the price for the elderly and people with disabilities.

Going back to my medical records the hospital has not come back to me after I requested my records (FOIA) and if the GP pulls their finger out I could then send my records to the court.

I also had 8 different numbers phone me yesterday and one withheld number, my voicemail is turned off purposely forcing people to contact me by email, chat, or send a letter.

I am buzzing about one thing though and that is LinkedIn editors are asking me to contribute as they see me as an expert:

However no amount of empowerment is giving me any motivation, my meds are not working and I feel tearful all the time. This is how people start drinking or taking recreational drugs, but I am trying to just stay focused so that soon will all be over and done with. What I mean by this is that the Tribunal Court and DWP saga will draw to an end. Now that I have been approved as a Microsoft Partner, for their sake, they should reinstate PIP and compensate me for disability discrimination and emotional distress because the last thing they need is me blasting that the editor of “Disability UK” was discriminated against on MSN news feed. I have already published one article about this and will do so again if push comes to shove.

Other than updating my health journal and checking my emails all I did yesterday was write a pitch for content writing and, digital marketing as I had something like 30 sign-ups, not all from the health sector so I reckon what is being published on this site is resonating with people, which is a good thing but I need my articles to convert into sales, as I have to fund this site somehow. I even have a donation widget and no one is donating which is slightly concerning so I am hoping my pitch will encourage people to hire my services.

Anyway, I am off to sleep, I am not well mentally speaking or physically for that matter. I have taken a Mirtapine and 3 painkillers and the pain is unbearable, but I am now starting to feel a little drowsy.

Goodnight and Happy Easter x – 02.40 hrs

27th March 2024 – 18.32 hrs

I have done sweet F.A today other than write an article for LinkedIn because LinkedIn Editors contacted me for some professional advice coincidently about burnout, which is what I am experiencing at the moment.:

Again I have avoided doing what I am supposed to do for my business and would much rather do other things that are not proactive.

My OCD is playing up big time and as I was throwing the recycling rubbish out one other the bags brushed against my leg, I tried to resist the urge by fighting my thoughts not to strip and bung my trousers in the washing machine but the feeling was unbearable and I submitted to my urge and now I have to put another wash on which no doubt will run up the electricity and thankfully I have an endless supply of water so don’t have that to worry about at least not for now.

What riled me today was reading that Chris O’Shea (British Gas CEO) has a wage of £8.2 million whilst the rest of the population struggles.

I did have some good news and that is I have been accepted for the ‘Microsoft Publisher Start Program’ which means I can start writing for Microsoft, and let the show begin regarding disability discrimination and human rights, now that I have a wider audience.

The court also wrote to me confirming they had received my last two reports and photos of my medication. As the days go by I reckon I will need more medication because what I have got is doing jack sh*t for my mental health.

Anyway, that’s it for today. I am not doing anything else.

Signing off at 18.54 hrs.

26th March 2024 – 23.40 hrs

Just a quick entry today, and look I am making an update before midnight.

My health I noticed this morning as I was washing up which took me more than an hour to do as I kept missing bits of dried-up food and had to wash and rewash several times, what I noticed was a pain in the back of my neck and I felt lightheaded. When I was finished and checked myself in the mirror I was red on my face, sweaty and flustered. I have also increased how many pairs of gloves I have to wear to do one task such as cleaning the dishes and that is three pairs of latex under a pair of marigolds. I then use 3 more pairs of disposable gloves for the bathroom and one pair of rubble gloves and repeat this process in every room never wearing the same gloves twice. I also have to be very careful not to splash water on me or have the pots and bans touch me in any way other than with my gloves. In the past, if I accidentally touched dirty pots and pans with my sleeves even rolled up I had to strip, put my clothing in the wash, and disinfect myself. Life is challenging in the physical world yet in the virtual world I am ok to a certain degree although I jumble my words in my sentences or miss them out completely, hence use an assistive tool, Grammarly to spell and grammar check.

When talking to Welsh Water (yesterday) about how much water I use I said not much and she seemed surprised especially as I have OCD. You would think I would use more water than anyone else but I don’t and the reason why is that I use disinfectant antibacterial sprays and liquids (Dettol Antiseptic Disinfectant Liquid 3 litres a week). I guess perhaps the usage of my washing machine takes up water which I forgot to mention. I may consider a water meter but am hesitant it may cost more than what I am supposed to be paying. She said my annual bill is £700 but if I had a water meter it would be £400. I am always suspicious about why they insist on smart meters and whether they can be hacked and the customer spied on.

My mental health is shot the sertraline is not helping nor is my overactive bladder medication “solifenacin”. I am still highly stressed and have done only a couple of things today, speaking with my client, editing a photo for my daughter oh, and checking my emails, so really three things on the computer. The rest of the day was me chatting with my daughter and doing the usual household chores, cleaning, preparing, cooking, and washing up. I did even try to relax by trying to watch something but both Prime and Netflix have little on that interests me.

Like I keep saying I am sad all the time and dread any physical interaction with anyone. My clients are fine to phone me as I have them in my favourites and the rest of the world is blocked. I am also dreading speaking to my new neighbours who have just moved into the flat below me. I do not like interactions of any kind unless it is a medical emergency. Couriers and delivery drivers who see me with latex gloves also pass parcels at arm’s length. Tesco brings the shopping upstairs and I unpack everything on the landing whilst he stands on the stairs. I think people have been conditioned to notice if someone is wearing latex gloves to stay well clear.

I am feeling very tired tonight and I have just taken mirtazapine, my concern is getting ‘serotonin syndrome’. My heart is racing even though I am sitting down typing on my laptop.

The day all my problems go away I think only then will I be in a better frame of mind.

Anyway I am off now and will try to get some sleep. My idea of starting on my biography has gone on the back burner once again and I am procrastinating and avoiding doing things. This is the fault of the people and they know who they are, who have made this way. Don’t say I am disabled one day and then change your mind the next, that’s not how things work.

End of Chat 00.08 hrs.

25th March 2024 – 17.30 hrs

My day started early, I had a Tesco delivery this morning with an hour time slot and with all the commotion the cat (Mr. Tibbles, my daughters feline) was inquisitive to the point he was getting close to me. I normally can smooth him with my gloves no problem if I have room to maneuver but this time I didn’t and as he did a 360% turn I grabbed his tail to stop him brushing himself up to me, but it slipped out of my hand and and swooped up my arm and touched the sleeve of my hoodie. Alarm bells started ringing in my head that it was an emergency and I needed to take off my clothes there and then and put them in the wash immediately as well as disinfect my arms.

I proceeded to take my new meds sertraline for my depression and OCD and also Solifenacin for my overactive bladder, my loo breaks have extended from 1.5 hours to about 2.5 hours. It is too early to tell if they will improve my bladder weakness long term.

As for the sertraline this is not an overnight magic pill and will take some time to properly work. I still feel anxious and stressed out big time and ripped someone’s head off again today trying to sort stuff out over the phone.

I feel so anxious about the tribunal and am trying to stay positive.

On another note, someone I reached out to yesterday who is an ambassador for a well-known charity responded rather rudely when I cited her in an article that was published. She has a physical genetic disorder and is wheelchair-bound. The article was fact-checked and with citations and she came back saying I did not get her permission to mention her. I thought that was the whole point of social media to spread awareness but she ended up blanking me in the end. I guess some disabled people are disgruntled that they do not have the same quality of life as an able-bodied person, but she knew nothing about me and even admitted in the article she wrote that she is judgmental, which prompted me to write an article giving my readers inspiration about what she has achieved in her career. Oh well, she missed her opportunity and I do not give second chances.

Yes I can come off rude sometimes, so who am I to talk, when I am sorting out problems, like my hosting providers where I pay them for their services, yet they manage to overcharge me, but I am never ungrateful if people paint me in a good light and mention my name. I tend to lose my rag if things are not going well and there are issues but if the shoe was on the other foot and someone chose to write about me, providing it was all good I would not have any reservations. I have forgiven her but I won’t forget.

I have stuff that needs doing but do not have the will power to sort things out. I am avoiding tackling problems rather than facing them. I am now contemplating having another go writing my biography, perhaps that will take my mind off things.

Anyway not much else other than this mornings OCD crisis, which has been sorted, no wonder my electricity bill is so high with all the washing I do on a daily basis. My machine does 3 to 4 wash loads a day every day.

Anyway I have had enough for one day, will do my Bing Awards and am chilling for the rest of the day. I am not even going to check my emails.

Bye for now 18.15 hrs.

24th March 2024 – 03.39 hrs

What can I say about logging in at this ungodly hour, I can’t sleep, and I have to keep on doing things until I tire myself out.

I do not want to sound like a parrot but I am seriously not in a good place in my head at the moment. I am trying to stay strong but it is hard when I feel I have the whole world against me. My brother asked how I was last week and I said I did not want to talk about me and his response was you will tell me. If he was so caring and knows I have this journal all he would need to do was type ‘Renata’s Health Diary’ into any search engine and I would be the first search result. So I highly doubt I will tell him and he will have to read about it in my biography when I’m gone. I have started it but have made many edits and have lost all momentum to finish it. I am hoping for some inspiration so that it is entertaining and adds value rather than the same old regurgitated waffle how my life has been sh*t up to now and the only good thing that ever happened in my life was having my daughter. She is my rock and I am hers, we cannot survive without one another and as much as I would like to extend my life for my daughter, I want to be somehow immortal but not on this physical realm on earth, I want to be connected with AI, and every time she needs me she could just call me up and like a hologram, I would appear but I would be able to chat as I am doing now. Maybe this idea is my calling to write a fictional book about my idea, maybe we are all connected in a Matrix AI, but have not realized it yet, and get AI to help me. Maybe life is a sequence of binary numbers and once we find the code to each individual we can reconnect with them.

Yes, I use AI, I have been doing it for a few years now with responsive voice, chat, image creator, and spell check.

I am tired and have no energy but cannot fall asleep. I have a mountain of problems and cannot face anyone even couriers. I have to bite my tongue when I phone people as I lose my rag easily and had one woman tell me to calm down otherwise she would hang up. Ironically, I want to help people on this platform yet I am struggling to help myself.

I will watch something for an hour or so before I try to get some sleep. See how my mind is racing from one topic to another where I am now saying I have 99% finished developing which is integrated with this site, which is one less thing to worry about.

My heart is thumping even though I am sitting still, I feel lightheaded and nauseous. I struggle to eat as everything tastes the same so bland, like eating cardboard.

Like I said I am not in a good place in my head right now.

I will say my prayers and ask Jesus to help me get out of this mess and get one of my clients to pay me this week, as I am desperately needing the money to keep the wolves away from my door. Ideally, I need more business, but I cannot generate leads when I am feeling unwell. I have optimized my LinkedIn bio and this site is the first thing people see. I need content writing and digital marketing work, none of which I need to have human interaction with.

However, my business has been affected by my emotional distress to the point I am not as active as much as I should be. I have content writers who can sign in themselves but I do not have anyone to find me work or do anything technical, it is all down to me and I am struggling with my health and my business and feel all the walls are tumbling down around me.

I am trying to be strong for one person only and that is my daughter, no one else matters to me only my daughter.

I am signing off, I do not want to keep thinking of all the snakes in my pit, and need to distract myself so that I do not have to think.

Goodnight or Good Morning should I rightfully say. 04.10 hrs

23rd March 2024 – 00.35 hrs

Why is it so cold despite me having the heating on full blast it’s the middle of March and where we are coming up to Spring it feels like winter. I am convinced they are cloud seeding. My knee is in dire pain and my depression and OCD are on another level. I am trying to avoid reading the news but it does not help wherever you turn you will see the news on all social media platforms and your notifications. The reason why I do not accept incoming calls is for that reason to protect myself from the negativity in this world if it is not hackers threatening to blackmail its popup notifications. I am feeling disheartened now and do not even know if I can run this journal anymore because I do not have the strength or momentum. My shoulder is killing me too and the pain is shooting down my right arm into my fingers.

I am not in a good place regarding my mental health and it seems no one really cares. I will continue this mission in the hope someone will see my value. But whilst I am fighting with Gorillas I cannot concentrate on anything else. I have let other content writers to take the reigns of this site as I can’t at the moment. Would you believe, it took me over two weeks to respond to a woman in the States who wanted me to publish some of her links on the resources page?

I am finding things very overwhelming at the moment and have no one to share it with. Before any do-gooders point me to support groups and charities I have a whole directory of them and I do not want to be starting conversations with strangers I do not trust.

I am ending this morning’s rant as my computer or WordPress is lagging, one of the two and it is doing my head in.

Goodnight – 01.07 hrs

20th March 2024 – 02.59 hrs

Years ago, approx 2 decades I was on Sertraline, and when I reported to my GP (who is retired now) that I had trouble sleeping he switched my medication from sertraline to mirtazapine and told me I could not be on both, he may have said why but for the life of me I could not remember until now. So recently I bit the bullet and requested a callback from my GP a new doctor I had never spoken to before and told her I needed something for my anxiety and depression, so wait for this, she only prescribed the combination of both mirtazapine and sertraline and when I questioned why was I taken off it in the first place she hesitated for a moment and then answered she did not know.

So this is when I started to do some digging and we managed to publish an article, apparently taking mirtazapine and sertraline is very risky and could potentially cause ‘Sertaline Syndrome’ which can be life-threatening.

Has this caused me more anxiety and stress, of course it has, why is it that I am up at 3 am rather than being asleep if it was not for the fact I am very concerned? My intrusive thoughts are telling me they want to shut me up and bump me off. I was looking forward to having something to calm my nerves and I know from the past that sertraline does not work immediately it takes a few weeks to kick in. I am not a lab rat to be experimented on. I wanted something that could ease my depression now. If anything happens to me from now on end I will get my daughter and my brother to sue them for medical negligence if I am unable to do so myself.

Now my mind is in overdrive with a million thoughts rushing through my head. I did watch Ted talk about serotonin and SSRIs and will embed it if I remember what it was called. The medication never helps with depression because there is not enough serotonin to cure you instead it needs to be produced in the gut.

I feel this medication if it does not kill me will be a waste of time as my OCD is through the roof and my mood is low. I am not in a good place right now and the only thing that is keeping me going is my daughter. My brother asked about me and I told him I did not want to talk about me and his reply was you will tell me. I replied maybe but if he cared he would just read this diary if he was bothered. Yes, he knows I keep an online journal.

Well, I have tired myself out and can hardly keep my eyes open so am signing off.

Goodnight – 03.30 hrs.

17th March 2024 17.15 hrs

I am struggling with my mental health I have no other words.

End of Post 17.20 hrs.

14th March 2024 02.05 hrs

I am not in a good place in my head, I am not in a good place right now.

My daughter accused me of being rude over the phone to the Doctor’s practice manager who was trying to bullsh*t me with technical terms about sending emails, making out they are of higher priority to the government who do not have a problem sending out emails but they do. I told her if the file was too big then break it down into smaller files duh…

She also said I would have to come to the surgery for face identification, she was a laugh. I will be telling the GP in three weeks of the phone call I had with the practice manager yesterday.


I read all the time how people are so super successful but imagine if everything we see and hear is fake similar to the movie The Truman Show, Imagine if the wars are not real and everything we read and see on the news is not real. Imagine everything we see is AI-generated and has been like this for centuries but no one has realised it yet. What if we are living in a simulation, perhaps this could be an idea for my book, which would make me millions and get me out of the situation I am in.

I digress and my mind is wandering I had to start a chat with AI for some ideas and AI agreed I am on to something, maybe AI has realized I know.

Anyway, I am off to sleep, if I can, it is freezing and my knee is hurting, so it’s good morning, good afternoon, and good night. 03.15 hrs.

12th March 2024 – 18.56 hrs

I was woken abruptly by my daughter midday shouting at the top of her lungs “Mum wake up, wake up”. I must have been in a deep sleep and I was bewildered when I woke. I did not go back to sleep, but instead decided to phone the GP anticipating they would tell me to phone back at 8 am but they didn’t and instead, I had a doctor phone me. I told her what PIP has done to me and she has now given me sertraline as well as mirtazapine. I used to be on sertraline but I am sure I stopped because my doctor did not advise me to have both (I feel another article coming along). I have skimmed through some medical journals and you can be under supervision, hence in 3 weeks I am due for another consultation. The doctor also stated she was surprised that DWP did not acknowledge me having OCD and as I quote “It is all over your medical records”. I have today requested all my medical records going as far back as 1992 as I was in Wales then. We will see what is in the Pandora’s box.

I have also uploaded the unencrypted data DWP sent me. I am doing the work of a solicitor and they will have all the evidence. I will use the same evidence for Human Rights and ICO if need be. I will then share my story and name and shame them.

I doubt I will be doing any work today even though I do have some emails to contend with but they can wait one more day.

I am exhausted and the GP told me to stay off the Monsters, easier said than done when I can hardly keep my eyes open. She told me to drink water, but surely there is water in the energy drinks. I have checked the ingredients:

  1. Carbonated Water (It was on the tip of my tongue to say)
  2. Citric Acid (an acid used for flavor and preservation)
  3. Taurine (an amino acid that may enhance physical performance)
  4. Sodium Citrate (an acidity regulator)
  5. Flavourings (to provide the light refreshing citrus taste)
  6. Panax Ginseng Root Extract (a natural ingredient believed to boost energy and vitality)
  7. Sweeteners (Sucralose and Acesulfame K) for sweetness without calories
  8. Caffeine (providing an energy boost)
  9. Preservatives (Sorbic Acid and Benzoic Acid)
  10. L-Carnitine L-Tartrate (a compound involved in energy metabolism)
  11. Vitamins (B3, B5, B6, B12) for added nutrition
  12. Sodium Chloride (common salt)
  13. D-Glucuronolactone (a naturally occurring compound)
  14. Guarana Seed Extract (a source of caffeine)
  15. Inositol (a type of B-vitamin)

I am done for today and will update you tomorrow most likely.

End Of Rant 19.24 hrs.

12th March 2024 – 02.59 hrs

I wasn’t going to make an entry today, but my mind is wandering with a million thoughts rushing through my head. I nearly landed myself in trouble yesterday until I double-checked a company out on Trust Pilot and read the reviews with many people warning others that this particular company is a scam. As a result, because I had given the company my banking details I moved my money out of my account to another. I now have a feeling of dread and I am feeling extremely depressed. Stupid me I know and I should have checked them out before giving out my bank details but now I will just have to sit and wait if they respond to the email I sent them.

I spoke with my daughter about PIP today and she advised me to bite the bullet and phone the GP and make an appointment over the phone. I am thinking about what I need I doubt that they will tell me because of GDPR so I have taken the liberty of requesting all my medical records through the Freedom Of Information Act (FOI) as far as 1992. I will soon know if the assessor was a real person, what I mean is did she actually work at my GP surgery whoever filled out the medical record information had her initials with the GP surgery stamp and the invoice to be reimbursed was for her also. So how could she give out the information and claim money for the data, with the GP stamp? Being an investigative detective I will get to the bottom of it and I will refer to my findings.

I have filled out the form for (FOI) I just need to send it and was toying with the idea of phoning the GP surgery first to get something to calm my nerves. I wouldn’t mind trying out micro-dosing psilocybin mushrooms if doctors prescribe them and by coincidence published an article about it.

The debate my daughter and I had was anyone could write a health diary, but my argument was I would not have spent the last five years researching OCD if it did not benefit me in some way, moreover, I would not have created a website where I have many subscribers and companies wanting to advertise, furthermore, I pay a lot of money to host it, so why would I go to these lengths to prove a point.

My medical records should suffice and even before 1992 when I was living in Shrewsbury around 1984 I first noticed my odd behaviour and disinfecting my hands to the point they blistered, cracked, and wept, where I had to have my hands wrapped in bandages and was sent home from work because I simply could not work. I was then prescribed potassium permanganate, these purple tablets dissolved in water, where I would have to soak my hands every day for 15 minutes at a time, eventually my hands healed but my mind became worse.

Back then it did not occur to me that I could buy latex gloves and hand sanitizer was not a thing, so I used to rub my hands in Dettol Cream which had an unpleasant smell, and the stuck-up female colleagues in the photographic study would constantly moan. It was around that time I had a nervous breakdown after the breakup with my boyfriend. I thought my life was over and I could not see the woods from the trees. I felt my whole world had come crashing down and my father was not supportive when I was crying my eyes out, so that is when I got medical attention and was prescribed beta-blockers to stop my heart from racing. My behavior infuriated my father, so that’s when I decided to move away.

I have forgiven my ex but have not forgotten how he broke my heart. As a consequence, I broaden my horizons, never to bump into him again. I have also blocked him on all social media platforms so that he does not see what I get up to.

Anyway, I digress and it is getting late. My left hand is playing it up with a shooting pain above my wrist traveling up my arm, I am so experiencing acid reflux and my eyes are getting tired. I guess I won’t be phoning the GP at 8 am as planned.

My mental health is not getting any better and I am constantly worried about a lot of things that I don’t want to go into right now.

Maybe after I have had a good sleep I might feel in a more positive frame of mind.

Goodnight – 04.04 hours.

10th March 2024 – 20.33 hrs

It is Mother’s Day and I should be grateful and happy but I’m not. Where I was looking forward to receiving a card and some chocolates, yes I got them and am happy and grateful, however, it was the wording inside the card that got me. As memory serves me correctly I have one child, so to have Happy Mother’s Day from both of us, got me curious and when I opened it was from my daughter and her boyfriend. He is not my child and has no right to wish me a Happy Mother’s Day he insults me every time he visits never saying Hello but the loudest Goodbye and he has never apologized to me calling my daughter derogatory names in front of me. I don’t like him and would tell him to his face, but that would cause a wider rift where he would try to control the situation and drive my daughter and me apart. I do not like him and that is my opinion and am entitled to have one.

As for my health, I did not go to sleep until 6 am this morning and got up at 1 pm. Because of all the worry I have at the moment I cannot go to sleep without totally tiring myself out despite me taking tablets to make me drowsy.

I ended up washing up at about 3 am and a series of events caused me to not only have my OCD play up but I was in excruciating pain in my lower back region traveling up my spine to my neck. Not only this I was starting to feel like I was about to pass out. I had brushed my arm against dirty dishes which contaminated me and my clothes. I tried to resist the urge to take them off and wash them. Yes, I will put the washing machine on even whilst everyone is asleep, so shoot me. Washing up took me about 1.5 hours as my eyesight is not great and sometimes I miss nooks and crannies and utensils may not be clean even if I have washed them so it takes me a lot longer to go over the dishes, pots, pans, and cutlery, multiple times.

Once I had finished the intrusive thoughts and compulsions were too much to bear so I had to wash the upper part of my body with undiluted Dettol. My hands feel as if a layer of skin is missing and feel sore.

As the day progressed I oversaw two articles which are now published and dabbled a bit with a website I am working on. I then had to do further household chores like hovering which made me lose my balance and I brushed my arm once again on a wall. Again I tried resisting the urge but my Dettol compulsion got the better of me and sprayed my arm and sleeve with the liquid. Some people have been known to ask me what that smells and I say “Dettol Eau De Parfum”. I also went through a phase of using Zoflora and when I used to go out people would complain about the overpowering scent.

What was the final straw after I had washed my clothes and put fresh clean clothes on as I was loading the machine again my cuff brushed on the rim of the machine, but that was not it my daughter left me some Domino pizza and the garlic mayo container flipped out of my hand and down my trousers. I have resisted the urge to change but I did spray a lot of Dettol on the contaminated area.

I am tired mentally and physically. I hope tomorrow will be a brighter day.

Goodnight – 21.04 hours

8th March 2024 – 22.17 hours

I am finally getting somewhere with Capita and I sent a follow-up email to DWP chasing them up about my complaint today.

Talking over the phone I start to raise my voice because I am talking to entities that deliberately try to confuse you.

A lot of the time I have to bite my tongue not to call them all the names under the sun. I cannot deal with stress at all and my intrusive thoughts and OCD are off the Richter scale. I was healing until they decided to bulldoze themselves into my life and turn it upside down on 11/09/23 It has been an ongoing nightmare that has wrecked my health. I seem to be procrastinating and avoiding doing things that need addressing urgently. I am sick and tired of the cold weather. I believe they are cloud-seeding to get us into debt, by having the heating on. I need more work and the do-gooders of this world that try and help you have hidden agendas like selling courses and software. The amount of emails I get with people selling their services automatically goes into my trash folder, despite having an autoresponder they still try their luck with follow-up emails, like they did not understand my message the first time around. I am also getting a lot of hackers and again do they think I am stupid to respond or open their links?

I am sure there are good people in this world but some are downright evil. I have a pending article waiting to be published but it is controversial and I want the outcome of my complaints to work in my favour. The article would undoubtedly show the quality and research involved in constructing it but I do not see people falling over themselves for me to write for them. I feel sad and the way I see my life is to be an author of many books fiction and nonfictional and be done with lead generation website design and marketing. I still want to help people and will continue my mission of human rights and mental health advocacy.

At the moment I am tired and have no energy, I want to live the rest of my days in a happy place without any worries. I have so many big ideas and then I put them on the back burner, sometimes not seeing the light of day.

I am not in a good place right now with my head I cannot concentrate and keep falling into deep spells of depression.

So this means now with Capita and DWP I have to wait another agonizing month whilst these entities play God and take their time playing mind games.

I need to preoccupy myself with something that will block out all the intrusive thoughts. For example, if I publish this one article I am afraid of the consequences and this is like a vicious circle going round and round in my head.

Anyway, that is my rant over for today, signing off at 23.04 hours – Goodnight.

7th March 2024 – 21.36 hours

After spending an hour and 22 minutes yesterday trying to speak with DWP over my complaint I find I have been stonewalled again. I have not had a response to my complaint from DWP over disability discrimination, emotional distress, or data breach, although I did have a response from Capita telling me if I disagreed with their response I needed to counter complain which I did via email on the 26th Feb but so far have not heard anything or even an inkling to inform me they have received my email. So today I phoned them only to be told no one was answering the phone and that there was no direct number. I was told that I needed to phone back which I did and again there was no one answering the phone. They are obviously on permanent coffee breaks because stating no one is picking up, instead of stating the phone line is busy does not indicate that they are attending to complaints.

This is classic stonewalling with the hope that people will give up, but on the contrary once I get my teeth into something I will not let go and tell them so by saying I plan to sue them, including the assessor. I have not had a chance to phone the doctor to see if the assessor is associated with them or not because there is a doctor’s stamp for the surgery with the assessor’s name on it and a claim back receipt for the medical evidence which looks very dodgy to me. I also plan to get all my medical records from the NHS via FOI. I will leave no stone unturned and I will see if the assessor accessed my medical records or not. Once I find this out and my suspicions prove me right, I will have them by their shorts and curlies.

I did phone the tribunal court and they told me to find a way to get rid of the password on the transcripts and send them the docs. The transcripts cite I was awarded PIP and it went to a tribunal and I won. This time I have to repeat the process but with a difference, I will make it my life’s mission to put an end to disability discrimination once and for all and will fight for people’s rights.

Fight For Your Rights - Disability UK Logo

Once this is over and done with I will make sure I will never have to go through this again and will help as many people as possible not to go through it either. By coincidence, there is an article that was published on this site today about how the government treats people like something they have stepped in:

I am now going to be a thorn in their side because this is not how you treat people. I nearly ripped the guy’s head off in Capita this afternoon and felt bad so had to apologize. Well, he is just as bad if he works for the demonic organization, so I should not be feeling sorry for him.

My stomach as a consequence has played up all day and I believe it is nerves. My mother suffered from it terribly and I used to joke about it and now the jokes are on me.

As for my depression, I am constantly trying to keep myself busy so that I do not have a chance to overthink. When I cannot find anything to watch on Netflix or Amazon I find I preoccupy my mind with researching.

My OCD as I keep saying is on another level, I am using more gloves and disinfectant than usual and spend longer than normal in the kitchen and bathroom. If I am in front of the computer and stationery I am ok but once I have to move around I have to be vigilant and careful of what I touch (nothing gets touched if it has not been sanitized other than food that is cooked at high temperature is germ-free. My knee has been playing up lately even though I have the heating on.

I am on a mission, and my work is my calling. I know that my arguing would pay off eventually hence I plan to study law. I will then work pro bono and give everyone a chance to beat the system. I forgive everyone who crosses my path knowing that God will do his deeds.

Anyway, enough for one day, rant over, I will try Capita again tomorrow, failing that I will send a follow-up email. I hope the tribunal fines them a lot of money and that would be karma.

Just before I go I have started developing the website and once it is ready for launch will unlink it from this site so it is a standalone website. This site will continue but it will be solely for article writing and campaigning.

Goodnight – 22.42 hours

6th March 2024 – 09.34 hrs

Would you believe it I have not been to sleep since the night before. I have been working on two websites redesigning them and to top it all I had an interesting conversation with someone a couple of hours ago. I won’t go into any detail just in case they are reading my posts. There is something very fishy going on and I can’t quite put my finger on it. As for me, I am cream crackered and now I have to stay awake for the Amazon delivery to deliver my latex gloves which I am low on and cannot live without. I am also peckish and there is no food in the house other than a couple of garlic breads. Am toying with the idea should I do a mini grocery shop or have a takeout? I am not in a position to spend money on luxuries at the moment and am very grateful for any money that comes my way.

I would be grateful if my domains started to sell and I have dropped so many because of the financial position PIP put me in, talking of which today is the deadline for them to respond to the court. I have got them by their short and curllies as I worked hard getting all the evidence together which I saved their solicitors time going through all the evidence. I also plan to get all my medical records via the “Freedom Of Information” so that I have a copy just in case I need it in the future.

I have neglected my role of writing articles for my sites as I can only do so much before I burn myself out.

My knee has been playing up even though I have the central heating on 24/7.

I guess I will never be able to forget the trauma of what the monster did to me.

Anyway, I will try to get some shut-eye even a few hours of sleep is better than no sleep at all.

Before I forget I learned something new the other day and that is JK. Rowling and I have at least 3 things in common, we are both writers, we both suffer from OCD and we both are survivors of abusive relationships.

So I am signing on as this was a quick catch-up to let you know what going on.

So Good Morning or should I say Good Day? 10.10 hours

3rd March 2024 – 17.26 hours

As usual, I have been up all night if not working, watching movies for inspiration to write a book or script. The amount of cr#p that is fed to us, no wonder people are wandering aimlessly through life, with no sense of direction. Whenever I do things I do it for a reason, watching films needs to be true life or have a topic I am researching such as AI, Robots, or Mind Control. There is always a method in my madness.

Watching a film yesterday on Amazon ‘Reality’, I came to realize that in my trauma recollection, I managed to omit something that was very harrowing to me, yet I managed to put it out of my mind. It must have been about 7 to 8 years ago when i opened the door on a Sunday to a man and woman in civilian casual clothing, waving their IDs in my face stating they were CID and had a search warrant to search my property. What I failed to notice as the two people were blocking my view was that there were six other people behind them, so as I stepped back the other six pushed passed me and split into two groups with four going into the ground floor flat and four going upstairs with me.

But with all the commotion one of the officers came close to me and to stop him brushing into me I gave him a gentle push with my latex gloves to which he replied he would have me for assault. I had to explain I have OCD and that I found the ordeal traumatic and intrusive. The woman CID officer was understanding and as she came into the living room she could see my laptop where I had left it but insisted on searching all the room, drawers, and wardrobes although she said I could open everything in from of her without touching anything.

What had transpired was the Russian family living in the flat below me had bought an Apple Mac from Gumtree which unbeknown to them was stolen and the location services pinged the building, which was not a precise pinpoint hence both flats had to be searched. I could have kicked off at the tenants and even reported them to the landlord but instead did nothing and we are still friends to this day, aferall it was not their fault.

When I watched the film yesterday all the memories came flooding back, which prompted me to do some research and I found that people who experience trauma will suppress their memories.

Some of the memories I have I feel that happened to my old me, not my new me.

I have managed to separate myself from my old existence and can recollect a lot of things, however writing down my memories helps me not to forget completely.

As for my health, it is pretty much the same as always with my mental health being bad. I wrote an article about the statistics of stress the other day, which basically explains how I am feeling. I am so anxious and stressed I cannot deal with people and life’s problems. I managed to resolve all the hosting providers’ refunds, albeit the complaints team stonewalled me and tried to turn their incompetence into a justification without an apology. It is high tide I started looking for web hosting providers and stopped promoting them. I think that will be my task this evening and respond to a potential client tomorrow as I have no energy to make my brain work today.

I have learned the art of forgiveness, I may not forget but I have forgiven and will let God do his deeds.

God Bless – 18.39 hours

Blue Butterfly

February 2024

29th February 2024 – (18.44 hrs)

I bet you are thinking what is wrong with me checking in reasonably early, well it is because I am procrastinating and doing what I should be doing, like answering emails and social media messages. I just can’t deal with life at the moment physically, mentally, and virtually. Although I manage to go to sleep fairly early for me 2 am by my standards I slept for 12 hours, not solid as I have to wake every 1.5 hours to go to the loo with my overactive bladder problem. But still, that means I start to get some energy back at long last. I still feel lethargic but that could be the weather or the no end of problems hanging over my head. For context the hosting provider I use has stonewalled me, it seems a running theme every time I complain.

The email attachment to the court with about 70 pages over the weekend early Monday morning, has only been sent to me hardcopies, my question is if the government wants to save the environment why chop down trees for the unnecessary paper that for all they know I could have already printed myself but chose to keep it in digital format considering I wrote it. The mind boggles and I do not see any sense in it considering I never requested it. They are willing to waste money sending this in the post, damaging the environment, yet try to claw back money from the vulnerable. There are too many Chiefs and not enough Indians running the show. I do not know if I should complain or just write a post about how the government wastes money and harms the environment. I know my sites are being monitored so I am confident whatever I write will be read by the powers that be.

Where I wrote 21 emails yesterday touting for business I feel deflated as I only had one reply. I feel in some ways I am empowered because of all the signups I am getting but feel deflated my affiliate links are not converting and no one is asking me to help them. I do all the things I am supposed to do including outbound marketing and all I hear is crickets.

Other than writing an update on here and posting an article today I want to bury my head under the sand and let the world pass me by. I shimmer through the daily news on Bing every day and some of it breaks my heart, I get censored for commenting and I hate how the world is evolving with certain entities breathing someone’s good air.

I am finding everything is getting to me and my OCD has never been so fierce as it is now. I spent over an hour in the bathroom today washing myself. As for my intrusive thoughts, they are more prominent when I am racing against time to do things otherwise I am convinced something bad will happen.

I also have certain things that go over and over in my head like a broken record why did the person in PIP make assumptions if they do not know me and have never lived one whole day with me to see the things I do to settle my anxieties, what did they get out of trying to vindicate me, perhaps a Christmas bonus who knows.

I noted my daughter received her annual prescription review but I didn’t. I can’t wait to speak to someone and will allow the call to come through as currently they are blocked because of them randomly phoning reference flu jabs or breast, cervix, and bowel cancer testing. I won’t participate in helping them make money. I only want what I believe I need and they will only be allowed to call at a specific time, I won’t be dropping anything for anyone. You either go by rules or not at all.

I hate this world and all the people that run it. I feel sorry for the people who are enslaved by society and are struggling to survive, which I am trying to help to the best of my abilities. I could easily give up on everything I have built, but am still trying to stay positive.

I will attempt to reply to some messages before the evening gets late. I doubt I will be on here again until tomorrow.

I wish you a good evening (19.35hrs)

28th February 2024 – (23.20 hrs)

I did not go to sleep until 6 am this morning got up at 11.00 am and never went back to sleep. I have so much on my mind and am getting behind with my work. I have emails to content with and IONOS is the thorn in my side. I still have not resolved the issues and the cancellation despite my emailing god knows how many times and spending more the 2.5 hours on the phone and now they are stonewalling me because they do not want to admit liability even though the problem is their fault. I have lost all respect for them and when I eventually get around to deciding what to do with UK Website Designer’s website I may stop promoting them because this is not how you should treat customers.

I temporarily put some articles in draft mode this afternoon as I did not want certain people reading some of my articles. I have re-instated them now but felt anxious when I had a bombardment of text messages and could not cope contending with one message let alone five, this is without my emails which I get about 1000 a day to all my different inboxes.

I am tired, I did some work published three articles I had written, and did some outbound marketing where I contacted 21 charities. I have a goal of contacting 20 businesses a day copy and pasting the same email body. I am physically and mentally tired. All it takes is someone to say boo to me and I know I will be in floods of tears. I cannot cope with waiting for the puppet masters to make a decision.

I blame everyone that has played a part in my mental health demise. I can hardly keep my eyes open and pray to the Lord Almighty to see how I am struggling with my mental health. I know there is a solution to my troubles (in a good way, nothing dramatic if that’s what you’re thinking), far from it.

Anyway, enough of this dibble I am signing off.

Goodnight x (23.45 hours)

27th February 2024 – (20.56 hrs).

My message yesterday was short-lived as I am back again on here today albeit it will be short and sweet. I worry about my big mouth sometimes as I am very opinionated and always have will hence have never gotten on with teachers when I was younger or people of authority and as they say the pen is mightier than the sword I feel I am slaying whoever gets in my way. I am grateful I have had 20 signups today on this site, so I must be doing something right. I have stepped back from writing other than this update as I am feeling overwhelmed and extremely depressed. It is ironic I have over 12k connections on LinkedIn and 4.5K connections on Facebook but have no one to talk to.

Anyway, I have said enough already, this was just a quick check-in to say how I am feeling today.

Goodnight x –(21.10 hrs).

26th February 2024 – 13.29 hrs

Well, I did it I sent the letters that were hanging over my head, and now all I have to contend with is the hosting provider and that is all I am doing for the rest of the day other than responding to emails.

As for my health, I am extremely anxious regarding the PIP sh#t show. I am trying to stay positive but my head is playing mind games. I feel physically sick, and light-headed, and I have growing pain from the top of my left thigh going right down my leg whilst my right knee is throbbing.

I re-read one of the transcripts from last year and the evil biased entity of DWP/PIP who does not know me and has never witnessed anything I do had the audacity to make judgemental assumptions. I am more determined than ever to study law so that I become a permanent thorn in their side.

If this has happened to me I dread to think about people who have not got a voice or a platform to vent on.

I am extremely sad but my site is empowering me with all the kind words people send me via email telling me they are inspired by my work.

I want to help as many people as I can, but first I need to take care of myself and it is hard when I am constantly depressed which causes my OCD to get worse, it is a vicious cycle and I want to break free but can’t.

I am toying with the idea of writing one chapter of my life at a time but need to decide on which website to do it on, as I also have my personal brand, and I may start on the latter as it needs a bit of TLC a bit like me.

I am not sure when I will update next as I need to step back as everything is very overwhelming at the moment and I am on the verge of tears every day and today is worse than any other day.

Hasta la vista x

24th February 2024 – 16.45 hrs

As I write this I have anxiety as I am now worried me opening my big mouth can cause me to have a meltdown. Self-inflicted I know if I know that the information I share may get me some flack. But I am only speaking my mind and even though there is no such thing as free speech nowadays with all the censorship that goes on it does not stop me from having a rant on here. I try and comment on newspapers whenever I can but sometimes comments are blocked. This does not stop me because I write my version and link the original article, but I guess not everyone has that luxury.

As for my hosting provider, I sent an email with my disdain yesterday to three departments, and has anyone gotten back to me, like hell, have they. You just wait until Monday comes, I will be on the blower first thing giving them a piece of my mind.

I am livid as they took out money for 36 contracts I did not agree to and charged me for the liberty.

I am 95% finished writing my letters which I will send to the tribunal and capita complaints but I have a hunch I may have to get human rights involved which will be more time trying to sort this sh#t out.

The anxiety, stress, depression, and intrusive thoughts are making my OCD bad. The person who responded to me from capita on the 12th who was too chicken sh#t to share their name, I forgive them and let God do his deeds to punish them.

Like I keep saying I have renewed my faith and am praying every night and sometimes even in the morning. I have noticed subtle changes and “I AM GRATEFUL” for everything good that comes my way, including the 25th-anniversary discount. I even pray again just thanking God, Jesus, and the Universe.

The only other thing that is bothering me right now is how cold it is. I feel drafts when I am in the kitchen and the bathroom and am freezing in the living room without the heating on. I dread my bill in April.

I am also curious what has happened to the tenants downstairs, they told me they were leaving on the 19th and would say their goodbyes but never did.

I am apprehensive when I am alone in the house if my daughter is in UNI or out with her BF. I feel vulnerable as I do not have my knight in shining armour anymore my ex-husband God bless his soul. I did miss him even when he was alive as he was my protector. I guess everything happens for a reason. I learned a lot after the security company went bust and I was left to pick up the pieces. Considering the company was only trading for 3 years I became wiser as I have now been trading for 14 years in my current position, so that must say something.

I know this site is Gold to me and so is ‘Cymru Marketing Journal’ and I will just have to persevere.

I am praying that I will find an investor to help me. I do not want loans as that is what caused the security companies’ demise.

I will just have to muster on the best way I can.

My nerves and anxiety are shot and I could easily just go back to sleep, but am fighting to have a productive day what is left of it.

I am also anxious about sending an invoice to one of my clients whose website is up for renewal, she is going to have a shock if she wants to move to another provider because there will be transfer fees for all the data and domain names. Hopefully next month I will be more financially stable.

The other thing that is on my mind is the amount of developers who keep reminding me I do not have Google & Bing Business Pages. I know full well I am losing business hand over fist.

Anyway, I need to put the heating on as the temperature is unbearable and finish off the article I started yesterday.

I doubt I will be updating again today, so enjoy your Saturday, and what’s left of it.

Bye for now x (17.32)

24th February 2024 – 04.37 hrs

What a day yesterday, with the hosting provider f#cking up big time and when I phone I might as well have been talking to a brick wall. On top of this, they charged my bank and now I have to claw it back.

On another note, I decided to make headway with DWP/PIP which I plan to send Monday. It will give me extra time to write an article on trigger questions and suicidal questions. Just the thought of it makes me feel uneasy. It brings back memories of how I wanted my narcissistic ex to finish me off because the torture was unbearable. I have suppressed a lot of it, and have conditioned myself to believe it happened to someone else and not me. Having to write about it in my response to DWP/PIP was triggering and now as I wind down I am trying to not let it get to me.

I am sad every day, I have been sad for over 30 years with one thing and another. I wrote about grief, hoping it would help me in some way, if anything it may help someone else.

As I stated on the homepage this site was initially for me as self-help therapy but has escalated to something bigger. I am sad every day and I hate all the problems, which I pray every day to go away. I am sad because no matter what I do my life seems at a standstill. I am sad because I hate my body having to go to the loo every 1.5 hours I am sad because I have no one helping me and the ones in my close circle are just waiting for me to fail. I am sad because I am not normal and cannot lead a normal life. I am sad because I have OCD. I am sad for a lot of reasons, but am fighting each day that tomorrow or later today will be better than the day before.

I think I just need to get some sleep.

Goodnight x – 04.58 hours (and PIP reckons I only work 6 hours a week).

23rd February 2024 – 01.15 am

As you can imagine I got up late in the afternoon yesterday and no sooner got a text and Whatsapp message from my landlord’s agent. I do not know what is going on but the agent wanted to arrange another EPC inspection even though I had one last year this time she said by law I needed to have my windows measured. I think she thinks I am stupid. I wrote on my other site and linked the landlords and tenants resource page and nowhere does it say EPC inspections measure windows. For clarity, I have single-glazed, and putting double-glazed is two and a half decades too late so if say 20% of my annual heating comes to £600 per annum x 25 years then the landlord would have to compensate me £15k. I need to have an energy loss audit done not another EPC which is not due for another couple of years and will not be added to the Gov database until the time of renewal. I told the agent I was not feeling up to having visitors as I was unwell (which is 100% true) and asked her to postpone the visit. I aim to measure the windows myself, so I wonder what the excuse will be to gain access. She offered an anniversary discount on my rent even though there is no such thing (although I AM VERY GRATEFUL) I accepted it because I need all the help I can get now.

As for my health, I was physically sick (vomited) about an hour ago, I felt my stomach bloated and had to go to the loo to throw up. All this stress is now affecting me physically.

I will try to go to sleep within the next hour to crack on the two report letters I need to send sooner rather than later. I managed to write three articles today and had some feedback from my hosting provider who still has not apologized for what they put me through and am still waiting on the credits.

I hope I will feel less stressed after I get some shut-eye.

Goodnight and God Bless x (00.37am)

21st February 2024 – 00.07 am

Look at me I am doing a fairly early entry.

How did my day pan out yesterday well I got up at 14.30 hours, procrastinated most of the day, and farted around responding to emails. I did not do three pressing things as fear tends to take over me a lot. Tomorrow or shall I say today is another day. I have also had teething problems with this site and have no one to help me. Money is tight at the moment because of red tape. I aim to write about everything that is on my mind in due course, either on the site or on my personal brand (iRenata).

One thing for certain is I am going to have a go at studying to be a:

“Human Rights Lawyer”

Enrollment isn’t until August so I have plenty of time. I am also trying to encourage my daughter to do her master’s in marketing and be picky with the jobs she applies for because of her age and little experience employers can be picky. I would ideally like her to join me but I will let her make her mind up. Being self-employed is hard work and you have to hustle 24/7. My disabilities get in my way as I cannot physically interact with people. Studying Law will give me the upper hand and give me more clout in what I am doing now.

Whenever I comment on newspaper articles I use my username iRenatadotcom which if anyone wanted to use their heads would translate to

Ideally, I want more business and every day I advertise myself in one way or another.

How am I feeling mentally, I feel tearful, tired, and on tenterhooks. OCD is getting very expensive for me I go through 1.5 litres of Dettol a week and my gloves are about 300 pairs.

I feel it is going to be a long night again tonight. Might chill out and watch something for 30 minutes or so to preoccupy my mind, instead of thinking of the problems I have got, which I am confident will get over but the question is how fast?

Anyway, Goodnight x – 00.30 pm.

20th February 2024 – 03.59 am

Despite me saying I was going to have an early night, it did not happen and yesterday I did not want to miss a Microsoft webinar, I set my alarm, downloaded Teams onto my phone, and amazing mixed up the time because as I signed in the webinar ended. This was my second attempt to learn about AI and missed it twice. I ended up falling back asleep and rose 15.30 hours which was very unusual for me.

I decided to then make a go of writing up my research for my defense, with PIP/DWP I have already written the foundations of both letters I just need to dot the i’s and cross the t’s.

I have learned a lot about my disability in the process even though it does not help to have this knowledge when one is constantly on tenterhooks, worried and anxious. I am so desperately trying to fight my depression and my intrusive thoughts. There is a particular number I am avoiding and if happens to be an email with that number I feel sick.

It is hard to describe the feeling but my heart starts racing and I automatically get anxious.

I want my nightmare to be over and for me to start to rebuild my life and be happy again.

I am constantly worried, about a whole bunch of things, hence stay up into the early hours.

I am signing off it is 04.12 am now, I need to get some shut-eye and turn the heating on as my knee is throbbing with pain from the cold.

I must be doing something right as I have had a lot of sign-ups in the last 2 to 3 weeks.

I intend to try and post once a day to keep my audience entertained.

Goodnight, although by rights I should be saying Good Morning x

19th February 2024 – 03.07 am

I have not updated this part of the journal for a few days, as I have many things going on in my head. I have been working until the early hours most days the last few weeks, and one of the nights I did not go to sleep until 8 am.

I have a few pressing things I need to deal with and it rattles me when certain entities are dismissive as if my word counts for nothing and I am insignificant. For instance, I have had a response from one of the organizations I am dealing with who has downplayed my complaint and given a hollow apology. I do not accept apologies and never ask for them as they mean nothing, I am too long in the tooth to be hoodwinked by anyone. I know my rights and I will fight for them and fight for all the people out there that have been trampled on.

I am going to make this short and sweet as I have no energy left to keep on writing, at least not for a few more hours.

Goodnight x – 03.19 am

16th February 2024

Instead of having a stressless day yesterday, I spent all morning sorting out the sh#t show from my hosting provider who claimed I owed two months’ payments. No apology, so I wrote in my disclaimer on my brand I will invoice entities that make me do research and waste my time, but the ice on the cake was the response from DWP that claimed they have not done anything wrong even though I have damming evidence to contradict them.

Why do they think they can walk all over people and disregard their disabilities, well I am fighting for justice not just for me but everyone else that has been treated like vermin.

Although I love writing this report I am doing hard work and I am on the verge of tears.

They still claim my OCD is irrelevant, we will see about this because I am to take this to the European Court of Human Rights (ECHR) if I have to and let every journalist have a field day.

I thought I would quickly check in at 01.01 before tackling the gorilla again.


14th February 2024

Happy Valentine’s to me and you. I did not get a card and frankly, I do not care. I do not care if someone loves me or cares about me, I know I love myself, and that’s all that matters.

As for my health, I am physically and mentally exhausted. They say don’t fix something that’s not broken and what did I do I only re-designed my site after watching a film on Netflix in the middle of the night. Instead of going to sleep like any normal person, but then again I am not normal, I decided to do some work past midnight which took me up until 5 am to fix.

My ocd as I keep reiterating is on another level, no thanks to DWP/PIP. I am trying to muster the courage to go through the 386-page transcript but somehow am putting it off. I got up pretty late this afternoon past mid-day. I should not have taken my meds but out of habit popped a pill and now I feel like a zombie.

I also have someone on my ars#e who I am helping for free and got shirty with me because I cannot help them anymore, not for free anyway. There is no pleasing some people, no wonder I self isolate, after all, I am in the best company, me, myself and I.

I am knocking things on the head for the day, as I have had enough of everything including my website(s) and that is saying something.

I am going to chill for the rest of this evening.

It is 19.32 and am signing off. Perhaps tomorrow I will have more energy.

13th February 2024 – 01.32 am

I got up fairly early yesterday morning (a) because I was freezing even though I have my central heating on, but have single-glazed windows and the draft from the ground floor hallway radiators are never on and I have no control over it, so it’s like the north pole and there is nothing I can do to keep my place warm. I rent so it’s not as if I can do anything structurally and my landlord does not care. (b) I had to get up early as I was expecting a Tesco delivery.

I managed to do some work, published two articles, and was on my third until my computer which has the latest antivirus had a mind of its own and did not let me update or publish my third. Ironically the article is about stress even though I envisaged throwing my computer through a window, as that is how much it infuriates me.

I did have some news today, a letter from the Tribunal giving DWP until the 6th of March 2024 to respond, which gives me enough time to get my report together over the 386-page transcripts they sent me. I highly doubt they will address the disability discrimination or the emotional distress let alone the data breach which they are not taking seriously.

As for my OCD it is right off the Richter scale as I brushed past the wall on the corridor again and had a strong urge to strip and wash my clothes again, I resisted (ERT) and sprayed myself down with undiluted Dettol, even though I have done this despite many hours have gone by I still feel uncomfortable. I have this persistent nagging thought in my head that I am contaminated and dirty and cannot seem to shake the feeling off even though I doused myself with disinfectant. No doubt if I still feel dirty later today I will just throw my clothes in that wash.

I am trying to stay positive and push myself but it is hard when I am doing everything I can think of and only hearing crickets. I have no one to discuss this with, no one I know in my close network understands me or wants to know other than my daughter and she has enough on her plate without me adding to her plate.

I should just reach out to one of my connections (I have nearly 12K followers on LinkedIn and 4.5K on Facebook) and get the conversation going. I did have someone from a disability magazine wanting to talk to me a while back so when I agreed he blew me off.

I know to keep on digging and eventually strike gold, but it is hard when you have all the elements against you. I have stopped reading about the wars and the inflation as it just makes me sad. I just concentrate on articles about business and health.

I have to do a Banner AD for someone for free later today, they did not offer to pay even though they know it is a chargeable service, and I am thinking if I help people then GOD will see I am doing good and bless me.

I am starting to doubt myself and feel I have imposter syndrome some days, but on other days I just say sod what other people think, they do not control me.

Hopefully, people will be impressed with the report I will be doing for the court and I will be doing it for my defense, perhaps then someone might hire me.

I am signing off, it is 02.11 am I am off to sleep.

Goodnight x

12th February 2024 – 00.52 am

They claim there is nothing wrong with me, so explain would a normal person during the time of washing the dishes, with dirty water splashing on their arm and the top they were wearing, and after brushing past the wall of the corridor with her posterior have a meltdown and have to take their clothes off and put them in the wash. Well that happened to me yesterday and whilst I am sitting down I am ok but the moment I move about I have to be careful what I touch. That’s not normal.

I am ok in the virtual world but in the physical realm, my behavior is questionable and sometimes very embarrassing. Going back to the 386 documents I received the other day I am mortified at how many people read the notes because quite frankly it was humiliating. They dare to redact their names in most cases but spread my details for all of sundry to read. I have often wondered who the puppeteers are and I envisage dark entities and no word of a lie the one entity that did come forth with their name was called ‘Raven’ the word itself portrays either a blackbird that guards the Tower of London or something metaphysical. I did look up the name on Facebook and to my surprise there are many Christian names and Surnames, so I have learned something new and I should not be prejudiced. I apologize if I offended anyone as I never knew the name of the person existed. I guess people call their children all sorts of names nowadays, so I should not judge. Once again I apologize if I offended I didn’t mean to.

I am knocking my journalling on the head for now and will try to get some sleep.

Notice that it took me 37 minutes just to write today’s small entry. Just making a point about how long it takes me to do things.

Signing off at 01.29 Goodnight.

10th February 2024 – 03.36 am

It is 03.36 as I write this entry and have worked none stop writing an article for my evidence which I plan to submit to the Tribunal next week. It all started when I got up around 14.00 hours yesterday afternoon. I was so drowsy as I am now working consecutive days until the early hours all this week. The problem is I have intrusive thoughts and if I do not finish something no matter how tired I am I cannot just leave it alone and come back to it as my intrusive thoughts plant negative seeds in my head. I do try fighting them off but my mind overpowers me. So back yesterday, I got a 386-page document from DWP with all the notes backdated to 2010, any need as all I wanted was last year’s and this year’s notes? However, I did come across notes from my previous assessment in 2018 which I will be using as evidence. I found so many inconsistencies and it is going to take me a whole day to put another report together but now I am doing the job of a solicitor and I have already done the backbone in the article I published not so long ago, just check the time the article is dated it will corroborate that I am still working at an ungodly hour.

I noticed in all the communication with the assessor and myself not once did we ever talk about the time it takes me to do things or how many times I have to get changed and wash my clothes because I accidentally brushed against something and it contaminated me. Not once was my quarantined area spoken about or how I had to wash and clean everything before I touched it.

Ironically, I could not access the password-encrypted document yesterday where the agent said it had sensitive data, the very same data that was sent by 2nd class Royal Mail and was lost in the post. The very same data that another agent said it was not a DWP problem if the information got lost in the post. I could not copy and paste the document because it is protected from copying but I got around that by taking screenshots of the relevant pages which I will be citing. My work is being affected because of this sh#t show, I am neglecting my clients because I am farting around with this. Like I said it was never about the money originally, although now I am finding things difficult because my health interferes with me working proactively.

It has always been how I have been treated and how other people are being treated that do not have a voice. God knows how many people have read this case and it seems a bit of a coincidence I have had an influx of subscribers the last couple of days.

Anyway here is the article I published earlier:

I wrote this article to teach these people about OCD Germ Contamination & Intrusive Thoughts. I am curious how the GP did not cite I have OCD despite me having medication every month for it, and how they refused to hand over my medical records, which I provided from what I had archived, even though DWP had records from 2009 on their system. The name on the GP consent form was redacted although I do have the name of the assessor and no one by that name is working at my GP surgery. It seems the assessor was from the GP, which I will soon find out. I think I am going to have to bite the bullet and request an online consultation or phone call to discuss this because it does not take a rocket scientist to buy a £5.00 ink stamp and put the name of a GP Surgery on it. There was even a payment slip for the GP surgery to claim back expenses for a document that had little information on it. I smell something fishy here.

Why have they redacted their names (even though I know some of the names) why all the cloak and daggers, yet are publishing my data for all of sundry to read and sending it second-class Royal Mail?

I question the authenticity of that GP consent document embedded into the 386-page notes, considering I provided DWP with the information. The name of the assessor does not exist unless this is a fictitious name. I even got AI to search for her and it came up with nothing.

In one part of the notes it said I have no skin irritation, I did publish this image last year in the other health diary, what is this called if not a skin irritation? When washing up I have to triple-layer latex gloves under rubber gloves and if dirty dishwater splashes on my arms I have to disinfect myself and change my clothes. You can view the skin irritation below. It is not just dirty dishwater, as an example the cat’s wet food could splash on my arms, or if I am preparing food and I touch something with my bare skin by accident. There are lots of different scenarios that can cause my OCD to trigger intrusive thoughts and compulsions.

Hand Skin Irritation From Hand Washing in Disinfectant.
Hand Irritation From Using Disinfectant. 17th December 2023

I am knocking things on the head for today and no doubt will be sleeping in again.

I have a mental block as it is getting super late it is 04.51 hours and have forgotten to say something in the entry, if it comes back to me I will update it in due course. You can see that I will not leave a post of importance as I would never be able to fall asleep. Lately, I have been procrastinating during the day and get sudden bursts of energy but yesterday I was working nonstop until the early hours this morning.

Off-topic, I do not know if you believe in the supernatural, afterlife, ghosts, or shadow people but I do see dark shadows moving, sometimes and because I have renewed my faith I pray every night before I go to sleep or if I forget then as soon as I wake.

Whatever I wanted to add to the post has gone out of my head for now, oh I know it was the bit about the phonecall I have had all the transcripts of all the inbound calls I made but have not had the transcript of the outbound call the assessor made. Why is she not providing this information I have requested several times. I want to prove there are inconsistencies and cross-reference the transcript I made as we were talking. I know what I exactly said from my notes and would be interesting to find out what notes she made and also the telephone recording which no one is coming forth with.

I am signing off at 05.03

As usual Goodnight.

10th February 2024 – 19.33 pm

Just a quick update, I ended up going to sleep at 8 am and woke at 13.30, I am keeping my final entry for today short I managed to write and publish another article: It was fitting to write about this as it is trending. I noticed even more signups today. I figured out that maybe someone out there will hire me if they enjoy the content I provide and the quality. Perhaps they can invest in me considering I need to boost my finances.

I am physically and mentally exhausted and anxious for several reasons, including DWP/PIP and abandoning my work commitments due to my health. I have some clients waiting on me and I have not done the work as I feel burned out.

Hopefully, next, we will be more positive.

Wishing everyone a nice Sunday ahead and for anyone wanting to journal like me, I can offer them space on this site to release their thoughts. Share your story and inspire people.

Did I forget to mention I am affiliated with Ooops? and am considering studying human rights law this year. I may have OCD but I am not stupid.

9th February 2024

I ended up going to sleep at 06.30 am yesterday and got up at 12.30. I missed to webinar on a Microsoft Event which I am gutted about and there was no replay. It is 01.37 am now and around midnight I had a sudden burst of energy and published 5 pre-written articles, all I had to do was edit the articles and perform SEO. However all day yesterday I was procrastinating and was not focused. I spent a good few hours watching reels on Facebook. I did some cooking and all week the food has tasted bland it is as if my taste buds have gone on holiday. I did not phone the council even though I kept saying every day all week I would and kept putting it off for another day.

I had to get up not so long ago as I could not take the excruciating pain in my knee any longer, I usually have to sprint to the bathroom every 1.5 hours with my overactive bladder, but it was not the case for me going to the toilet but the agony my knee was causing as my central heating switched itself off and when the temperature drops I am in a lot of pain. I wrote an article about temperature drops the other day: I am not going to even think how much my bill is going to be when I eventually get around to giving them a meter reading. I think that utility companies should subsidize bills for the elderly, the vulnerable, and people with illnesses.

My Mental Health

I am getting extremely anxious about what DWP, Capita, and the Tribunal are doing because I feel I have been stonewalled. Maybe they think if they keep quiet I will go away, well they have another thing coming if that’s the case.

I am starting to get a list of disability discrimination journalists together because I feel my story should be told:

  • Frances Ryan: Frances Ryan is a British journalist and author who writes extensively about disability rights, social justice, and inequality. She has contributed to The Guardian, New Statesman, and other publications. You can find her work on her website or follow her on Twitter.
  • Saba Salman: Saba Salman is a freelance journalist who covers disability, social affairs, and human rights. She has written for The Guardian, The Independent, and other outlets. You can connect with her on Twitter.
  • Liz Sayce: Liz Sayce is a disability rights advocate, researcher, and writer. She has held various leadership positions in disability organizations and has written extensively on disability policy and inclusion. While she’s not a journalist per se, her insights are valuable. You can find her work through her LinkedIn profile.
  • John Pring: John Pring is a disabled journalist who has been reporting on disability issues for nearly 25 years. He launched Disability News Service (DNS) in April 2009 to address the absence of in-depth reporting on issues affecting disabled people.

I feel I have been mistreated appallingly and can only imagine that I am not the only one in the same predicament. The pen is mightier than the sword and being an expert in SEO my articles are always ranked on the first pages of search engines. I believe I have a case to be answered which is motivating me to study human rights law.

I am getting physically tired now not just because of the fiasco but I am exhausted mentally and physically. I do not know what I am doing wrong in terms of lead generation I am getting a lot of subscribers, followers, and praises over the articles that are published but I do not seem to be getting any business even though I advertise all my services individually. I have tried outbound email marketing, affiliate marketing, and banner advertising and all I hear is crickets. I even have a donation page so that people can just donate £1.00 yet I do not even get a penny.

My work is starting to suffer because I am always behind and always playing catch up, because of carrying the world upon my shoulders.

I am trying to stay positive as I know I cannot be in this h#ll hole forever. At least Mr. Tibbles understands me.

Mr Tibbles The Cat Reporter Logo

Anyway, I have had enough for one day and am off to sleep.

I sign off at 02.30 hours.


8th February 2024

I am not having a good night, it has just gone past 3.00 am and I am still wide awake even though I took a sleeping pill hours ago. I have been writing on my other site to try and occupy my mind and tire myself out. I am getting anxious as I received part of my request from F.O.I. but they omitted the assessor’s transcript and I noticed some of the transcripts they sent me were edited.

I also took something personally as I commented on the Mail Online article about the controversy over the speech Rishi Sunak made about transgender all I said was “To Earn Respect, You Should Show Respect” and I had a thumbs down which has now set off my intrusive thoughts and am paranoid people hate me. The lesson here is if it is too hot in the kitchen, stay out, in other words, I am not commenting on anything controversial again as my brain cannot take negativity thrown my way. The world is truly an evil place.

Still no word about my complaint about disability discrimination, data breach, or emotional distress, and no update from the tribunal. It has been two weeks since I last contacted them. How long does it take to write a letter?

All of it is making me very unwell and one thing I managed to get resolved was EON Next after I threatened them with an invoice for wasting my time (chasing me for a non-existent missing payment).

I have so much weight on my shoulders and I have no one to help me.

I did a quote for a client of mine a couple of days ago and all I am hearing is crickets. Everything is getting to me. It is now 03.20 I am going to sign off for tonight and hopefully later today I won’t be feeling the way I do now. I wish I could wave a magic wand and make all my troubles go away.

On a positive note, I did notice a couple of things I had about 10 signups yesterday, and looking at my analytics people are reading my diary entries, maybe it’s the government who knows?


6th February 2024

Yesterday did not go as planned I was tossing and turning most of the morning as I was freezing and restless which resulted in me getting up at 12.45 pm Fortunately for me my daughter was also having a lie-in.

I have run out of energy drinks as that is all I drink and I am having withdrawal symptoms. I have ordered another Tesco shop for later on today as I cannot function without them. My sleeping pills make me so drowsy I am like the Walking Dead without my Monster Energy Drinks.

I managed to publish an article for one of my content writers today and answered a bunch of emails I abandoned all last week.

Hopefully, I will have more energy today after I go to sleep.

It is approx 00.12 so I am signing off. Goodnight!

Blue Butterfly

It is still the 6th today but coming up to 22.30 hours. I didn’t do what I was supposed to do today as I had a bad OCD moment twice to the point I had to wash my clothes twice and shower twice after each episode. It all started when Tesco did the delivery and when I unpacked the groceries from the crates on the landing I brushed past the wall with my backside, which set my OCD off. I was also expecting an Amazon delivery and was flustered with anxiety as I waited for my clothes to dry. I have answered the front door with only a hand towel covering my modesty in the past.

Although I woke up at 8 am considering I have had a few sleepless nights I managed to waste half a day because of my OCD. To top it all my stomach was bad but that could be because of my nerves which are completely shot. I am so under pressure to keep the wolves from my door. I am contemplating studying law this year and I wrote an article about utility companies harassing people and what they must do: . EON Next prompted me to do this article because a payment plan was set up in November and I am still being harrassed for a missing payment that I have not made. I also made them aware of who they were dealing with I also have an entity chasing me because one of my guest writers on my other site used a copyright image even though they purposely scanned my site which is prohibited and can incur penalties. I have blocked them from social media and my emails. If this was done intentionally then I would agree but it wasn’t hence I integrated a service called just to be in direct competition with these entities and help people not fall into the same trap as me.

I am so anxious about DWP, Capita (PIP), The Freedom OF Information, and the Tribunal as I have not heard anything, it’s as if they have all stonewalled me. I feel discriminated against and targeted.

I have so many issues I am dealing with at the moment and it’s all getting to me. Before anyone says to reach out to someone, please don’t insult my intelligence and teach me to such eggs. I have so many resources on this site but no one can help me other than GOD.

I am going to have an early night and resume what I should have started today but couldn’t because of my OCD, tomorrow.


5th February 2024

The night owl is out. It is a good job I went on my hosting provider’s website and managed to save myself £40 in domain renewal. I am struggling with my mental health and my finances at the moment with the cost of living price rises and if an MP has had a hissy fit that he cannot manage his mortgage payments when he earns £118K a year, how the h#ll are the rest of us supposed to survive?

On another note people take the p#ss, I had a client come to me because he wanted his analytics set up even though I sent him instructions. I was on the phone for an hour with him and mentioned he needed terms and conditions and a privacy policy, and a disclaimer, and his words to me were “Are you sure”, no I made it up you muppet. Why ask me for advice and then question me about the legitimacy of what I say?

I wrote the pages for him because he wanted content for his site but I am dammed if I am going to give it to him for free, considering he agreed to pay me there is no mention of it now. Like I said people take the p#ss.

My brother blew me off, maybe he read my entry from yesterday, however, he should never assume I am okay because some days I’m not.

So yesterday was eventful and there was drama because my daughter lost her credit card holder with her driving license and credit cards.

My anxiety is going through the roof, I have to contend with the council later today over the phone which I am dreading and will be giving the DWP an ultimatum if they do not respond to the tribunal court, I will be going to the human rights court. I will also be looking for disability journalists to write about the sh#t show I have gone through and how it has made me so unwell.

I live in a quarantined bubble and no one is allowed to enter my space.

Until next time.


4th February 2024

I have surprised myself the last couple of days as I have published over 25 articles on my brand site I did it with the view of getting my name out there considering ‘Martin Lewis’ From always has in the header title “Martin Lewis said this, that or the other”, so I have adopted his strategy in the hope that my pseudonym (iRenata) will get noticed and catch on. I could have said Renata Barnes but there are many Renata Barnes out there and even my maiden name there are entities with that surname which makes me skeptical, as my name is unusual. iRenata is not that rare either but when I get some money together I plan to trademark it or revert to “Renata Entrepreneur” which is long-winded and hard to spell.

I did write one article that I will use in my defense: Everything I do have an ulterior motive and am collating evidence to back my corner and also advocate for people that do not have a voice.

I have kept myself busy to drown out the echoes of sadness I feel constantly. I am so anxious the tribunal and DWP & PIP have stonewalled me. I have even found a solicitor, just in case, and have devised a road map of my plan of action.

I have suffered five months at the hands of these entities that think they can play God with people. I have the council to contend with on Monday as they are after me for council tax, where do they think I am going to pull money out of my ar#e?

My mental health has got so bad it has crossed my mind to start drinking, I haven’t drunk alcohol for many years as it always landed me in trouble, but drinking also numbs the emotional pain. My OCD is on another playing field and fortunately other than preparing food and going to the bathroom every 1.5 hours (because of my overactive bladder) I do not move much and sit in front of the computer all day and night. I have noticed I am very arrogant and blunt with my emails when I have around 500 a day to contend with, with most asking me to give them work or selling me services. I am not in a good place at the moment and later today I have to speak with someone who cannot follow simple instructions to set up his analytics. I do not like talking and even speaking with my brother every fortnight is becoming monotonous. It is the same regurgitated information week in, and week out.

The only person that means anything to me is my daughter everyone else can go to h#ll, oh wait a minute we are already in h#ll. Other than my daughter I have my platforms that keeps me busy and I know eventually I will reach my goal because I can already visualize it. One day my name will be in the news because one day someone will read what I have been through and will want to write about me.

I am motivated and inspired by Chef Andre Rush and his story: (If he can carry on, then anyone can, including me). I may reach out to him and thank him for being strong, mentally and physically, and motivating and empowering people.

Everyone deals with grief and trauma differently. I vent my anxiety out here so that I can release the energy out to the universe, this is what I call self-help therapy and it beats talking to some stranger.

I will try not to stay up too late even though it is already 02.07 am.

Yes, I am on the verge of crying again, but I hope I am helping someone out there and that the universe can see and hear me.

Until next time, Goodnight.

2nd February 2024

Yep, you guessed it I am still up. It is approx 02.40 am and my mind is all over the place. I have just taken a sleeping tablet not that it makes much good. I have edited my previous post as I need to refrain from sounding negative. I will edit another article on another site tonight and I am knocking the internet on the head for a few hours.

So it is a definite goodnight from me.

1st February 2024

I am on the verge of tears again.

I feel anxious that I have been stonewalled again by DWP & PIP over the two complaints and the tribunal that had a deadline of the 22nd of January 2024 and nothing, I have been met with silence. I am so tempted now to exercise the Human Rights Act and Disability Discrimination Act and get mainstream media involved. They say no news is good news and I hope and pray it will turn out ok.

I am starting to get chest pains when I get wound up, my OCD is through the roof and all I am doing is washing and cleaning rather than doing any work. I can’t sleep even though I have meds to send me to sleep but for the last fortnight, I have not been going to sleep until 4-5 am. I want my life to get better and I am doing everything I can to turn my life around. I have been focusing more on my personal brand and doing tutorials to show I have some authority over what I do. I wrote an article about “iRenata’s Guide On The Creation Of Money” and my search result was above “The Bank of England”. I managed to get my article indexed and ranked in less than 24 hours.

I wish I could say something wonderful for a change but even though I have over 12K connections on LinkedIn I do get lonely and just want to cry. Before anyone suggests I try to make friends online, unless they have something in common I would just be wasting my time where do you start?

I wish I had someone looking out for me for a change but I am all alone in this God-forsaken world. I wish I could just turn back time, I would have changed a lot of things. But it is what it is, I have to just soldier on.

I listened to a video that Jake Ducey released the other day about things that are holding you back.

Feng Shui

If I was to declutter I would need skips to get rid of all the sh#t I have accumulated over the years. As it stands I walk with blinkers on metaphorically speaking. Now that I am near enough at the end of my rant for today utter sadness has flooded my emotions and my heart is pounding and I feel sick. I will continue journalling and praying and hopefully, my prayers will be answered soon.


January 2024

29th January 2024

I thought to quickly check in. I have so many health issues and every time I move I get a cramping spasm on the left side of my back. I am in excruciating pain with my knee and as much as I would love to not have the heating on the pain is too unbearable to be without. I AM TEFFIFIED OF MY GAS ACTUAL BILL. They have sent me an estimated one and I know it is nothing compared to the SHOCK I will have when they do find the real reading. Furthermore not just for myself I have my daughter who needs to stay warm as her legs are bad from her multiple sclerosis.

My mental health is shot, not only am I anxious but I am very tearful and cannot breathe.

Other than my daughter and my websites there is nothing else that can put a smile on my face.

I have restored my faith and have been praying every single day for the last 46 days. I even keep a manifestation diary that I do before I go to sleep. Talking about sleep for the last six days running I have worked until 5 am and not only am I in pain, I am so anxious that my sleeping tablets are not working. The reason why I am working so late as I have to double and triple-check my work because I have noticed I am jumbling up my words. I cannot use AI when I am coding so one wrong word can f#ck up a whole website, which is what has happened to me.

I am in excruciating pain as I write this today at 02.09 hours bidding everyone reading this goodnight from wherever you are in this world.

Just remember do not let anyone get you down, the ones that are causing you problems are demons and to fight them you need to pray.

Goodnight x

26th January 2024

I feel so anxious for several reasons:

  1. My DWP Disability Discrimination Complaint has gone unanswered.
  2. DWP has not responded to the court either.
  3. The court said they would send them a reminder letter and I would get a copy of the letter, this has not happened.
  4. The freedom of information where I requested all my data from the DWP I have not received.
  5. My landlord’s agent wanted me to give prepayments with a discount (never heard about that before) on my rent and promised a letter which I am waiting on (I can’t breathe).
  6. My client wants this and the other done and I have done a lot of it just won’t give him the content until he pays me. I am hoping I can get another website out of it which will be residual income, but it’s the waiting for the replies that gets me.

So you can understand that I am on edge at the moment and have been working 5 nights in a row until the early hours, I now hanging with no energy.

I just want to cry. It did not help when someone on Facebook whom I have known for years unfriended me because I believe she was influenced by my ex-banker boyfriend from many years ago. I told her I had blocked him and I told her about my business so it would go back to him. It made me sad that she did not even reach out and just unfriended hoping I would not notice. He cannot see anything I post nor vice versa so I do not know why she has pushed me away. I am over it now but at the time it did make me upset I must admit.

Nobody gives two flying monkeys how anxiety can affect someone’s mental health or make them feel, they say they do but if you genuinely cared you would display an action not just empty hollow words.

That’s it I have one more client to deal with which I will do tomorrow and I am knocking everything on the head for the rest of the weekend.

Until next time, bye for now 🙂

23rd January 2024 18.39

I feel very overwhelmed with a hundred-and-one things to do including looking further into doing a law degree. I am passionate about learning about disability discrimination, human rights, and contractual law all of which have played a hand at some point in my life and my career. Don’t get me wrong I love what I do but I think qualifying will further enhance my services and my authority.

I asked Open Uni if there was a problem with me studying law seeing I have a mental health condition and it seems there isn’t one.

I have updated this site although there are many things to address and I did not have the time or energy.

I am still waiting for my complaint and the deadline was yesterday so do not know what is going on but it is causing me to have anxiety and stress.

I am going to fight for people’s rights including my own and as they say, the pen is mightier than the sword or in my case keyboard.

I will forgive everyone that does me wrong and will recite a passage from the Bible:

  • Luke 6.37 “Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven.
  • Acts 2.38 Peter replied, “Repent and be baptized, every one of you, in the name of Jesus Christ for the forgiveness of your sins. And you will receive the gift of the Holy Spirit.
  • Romans 12:14  We should bless those who persecute us bless and not curse them. We are to pray for them and ask God to bless them because they need His mercy just as much as we do.
  • When you pray for those who hurt you or mistreat you, God will give you the grace to forgive them, and in so doing, you will heap burning coals of fire upon their heads (Proverbs 25:22).
  • Romans 12:19  Says that revenge belongs to God and He will repay those who hurt us when the time is right and it’s not for us to seek revenge on people who have hurt us in one way or the other.

How God Will Repay Those Who Hurt You? [+ Examples] – SaintlyLiving

Everyone who has played a part in my ill health has been and will be forgiven. I would love to be the fly on the wall when karma comes to greet them.

That’s it rant over, I am not feeling too good and will try to have an early night, my OCD is on another level.

23rd January 2024 01.23

I got up late yesterday but still did some work. I wrote an article on my personal brand site. The article was not personal but my thoughts on what is happening in this world.

My ‘Wales Artisan Directory’ is on the first page of Google and I only listed it yesterday, am blowing my trumpet here because I am good at what I do.

Reference how I am feeling, I am still very anxious about something that is happening in my life and do not know if I should make waves, even though I am more than capable of starting a tsunami.

Business is picking up, which I am extremely grateful for, as money is tight at the moment.

I still feel I have been treated like something someone would step in, by the entities that are playing mind games with me.

I am so aware of my surroundings and am obsessed with germs lurking considering my daughter who has a low immune system relapsed and I am concerned for both our health. With ‘Disease X’ on the horizon the only way you would get me to leave my home was if I had a pointed gun to my head.

I only checked in to give a quick update.

Goodnight & God Bless, may peace be with you x

22nd January 2024 05.27

Just a quick check-in before getting some shut-eye. I procrastinated all weekend and could not find the energy to make any entries let alone publish 10 articles and last night I mustered enough strength to let my articles go live, although thinking about it now it may have been a bit spammy, as I sometimes LinkedIn Newsletters I am subscribed to can be a bit irritating. I won’t be doing that for a while because my aim was for this page not to show on the front page and needed to publish enough content to move it down the ladder so to speak.

I am now anxious about what today will bring, I hate Mondays and my heart is racing.

I am trying to not overthink hence why I keep myself busy.

My OCD is flying high at the moment and I had to change several times during the day last week because I was compelled to do so because of my intrusive thoughts and the unsettling feeling I had to wash the clothes after crashing into a wall three times. I do have dizzy spells and lose my balance. My OCD is quite severe to the point even dishwater sets me off.

I get very emotional and people are starting to notice. I have difficulty communicating over the phone, Skype, or Facetime and interacting physically.

I am now going to take my sleeping tablet as I need to knock myself out otherwise I am going to be up all morning on social media.

This is not good for my health all the stress I am under. I want to wake up to good news.

Anyway, I am signing off now until next time.

20th January 2024

This is my first online health entry for the year. I did start writing offline but I do not know where I saved it. I am sure my computer has a mind of its own or I have a bug, although I have Norton Antivirus so I am confident they would notify me if there was a problem.

I have published a handful of articles this year and re-designed this website, however, my health is interfering with my business and my daily life. I won’t go into too much detail now but I am struggling and for the most part, procrastinate rather than get on with things. My OCD is off the Richter Scale, I feel anxious all the time.

If I find the manuscript I wrote documenting my days from Christmas, New Year, and my birthday it will give me some relief from having to type it out all over again.

Like I said I won’t go into too much detail now but Christmas is so hyped up and commercialized and Jesus was not even born in December but on April 20th to be precise, so Christmas will never be the same again for me ever.

New Year I watched the London fireworks from the comfort of my home on Sky News, I did not toast the New Year or make any Resolutions, as I do not drink alcohol, and even though there are two unopened bottles of champagne in the kitchen my daughter does not like drinking it either so we greeted the New Year Sober.

My birthday was much the same although I did get a lot of online birthday wishes from strangers even, which was nice. But again why remind me I am getting older, what is there to celebrate, I am unwell and so is my daughter so why should either one of us be happy?

I did read something that upset me recently about how a Cardiff Blues Footballer took his own life as he was devastated by the passing of his parents. I have lost both my parents and brother and have experienced the worst kind of trauma anyone would wish for but I am still here. Chris Barker: Former Cardiff City player killed himself, coroner concludes – BBC News

I have endured grief, public humiliation, disability discrimination, and emotional distress.

When I get really sad I switch off completely and do something to distract myself like read or watch a movie. What I go through daily, some would question my sanity but I keep on fighting. My daughter understands me and that’s all that matters. I do not have to explain myself to anyone. I do what I do to ease the anxiety and the intrusive thoughts. I will not let anyone judge me because as one person said to me once you need to look at yourself in the mirror before judging. This same person I reached out to two years ago for support by sending her an in-depth email promised to phone me but never did. So when she tried to make arrangements to meet up and I made the excuse my mental health is not that great and cannot go out anywhere, she asked if there was anything she could do, she is suffering from short-term memory loss and I am not going to give her the satisfaction to have one up on me again. My daughter said she is false and all she wants is to be nosey.

I am finding it hard at the moment to concentrate and am not very productive.

On a positive note, the obituary I read last year for what I thought was my ex was not for the same person as a friend of mine posted a video of him in a bar and kissing a man on the cheek, he did not seem to have a woman by his side, which makes me question his sexuality and would explain a lot of things when we dated. I blame him for the onset of my OCD and the trauma I endured because of the breakup. But I guess everything happens for a reason.

I have restored my faith in God and write passages of the bible whenever I can.

This is a quick note as I don’t want to feel as if I have abandoned you. Fortunately, I have a team of writers who are helping me and whilst I am on the road of taking baby steps to heal I hope anyone who is reading this understands I can only do what I can do at any given time, with my health. Somedays I have good days and I can do a lot and other days my disabilities consume me.

However, I have noticed recently I am now very anxious about couriers and workmen. For example, I had an electrician come to my home the other day to test my smoke alarms and I think he caught on that he was conning my landlord as smoke alarms need to be tested every month not once a year at £100 per call out for each property. I was so glad my daughter was at home and not in UNI as I am anxious being alone around men after the physical abuse I endured with my ex. What made my OCD scream louder than any smoke alarm was he took my ladder as I have high ceilings and then proceeded to write something propping his notepad and pen on my dining table. ‘Germs’ was all I could think of as he walked up the ladder with his shoes, touched the ladder rungs with his hand, and then contaminated my dining table and my front door letting himself out not to mention my fuse box. My brain works overtime when it comes to germ awareness and coincidently wrote an article today about biowarfare and germ awareness which is all over the news:

Anyway, I have to now check all my emails as I have a few inboxes and am already anxious about being overwhelmed by the sheer volume.

Until my next entry, goodnight.

Blue Butterfly
Renata MB Selfie
Disabled Entrepreneur - Disability UK

Renata The Owner & Editor of and Online Journals, suffers From OCD, Cerebellar Atrophy & Rheumatoid Arthritis. She is an Entrepreneur & Published Author, she writes content on a range of topics, including politics, current affairs, health and business. She is an advocate for Mental Health, Human Rights & Disability Discrimination.

Whilst her disabilities can be challenging she has adapted her life around her health and documents her journey online.

Disabled Entrepreneur - Disability UK Online Journal Offers Digital Marketing, Content Writing, Website Creation, SEO, and Domain Brokering. Disabled Entrepreneur - Disability UK is an open platform that invites contributors to write articles and serves as a dynamic marketplace where a diverse range of talents and offerings can converge. This platform acts as a collaborative space where individuals or businesses can share their expertise, creativity, and products with a broader audience.

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