Coping With Grief.
It has been 17 years since my father passed away and 14 years since my mother departed. On top of losing my parents, I lost my brother 11 years ago.
The grieving process has left me bitter and angry inside. Why did half my family die? Why could it not have been someone else’s family instead?
The grieving process is no just about people dying it could be a relationship breakup that can leave devasting effects on a person’s mental state of mind.
I have had my fair share of heartaches but nothing beats the death of a relative or partner. With death you cannot check a social media platform to see what the person is up to, you cannot pick up the phone and have a chat. Death is final, there is no communication beyond the grave. You end up feeling robbed and cheated, you feel empty and life feels pointless. You may even become angry and hostile. People move on from grief by re-adapting their lives and filling the empty void with other routines. People may find meeting new people can help.
For me I do not socialize, I do not want to for several reasons, one is because I am busy with work and do not have the time and secondly my OCD is another significant factor. The way I see it spending a couple of hours socializing I could be using that time more pro-actively. Guaranteed every one you socialize with if you asked them to give you, not lend you £20, I bet none of them would, but they would be happy to squander your precious time. Not everyone thinks like me and my time is the difference between bringing food to the table and making something of my life to which my dearly departed would be proud of me for.
Do I believe in life after death? I have mixed emotions, I think our souls depart and manifest their energy in another form. Do I believe in the paranormal? I believe possibly that our souls can get trapped and cling to things and do not like letting go, hence people see apparitions.
They say time is a healer. Time may ease the grief and it will not get rid of the memories or the feelings of the inner pain you have in your soul.
I was once asked by a government official how long will it take me to stop grieving. He challenged my grief and I felt his remark cold and cutting it was like him driving a knife through a fresh open wound. I immediately had intense hatred towards this person and to this day I have never forgotten his name (J.M), and one day when I am ready for what it is worth I will send him my book and he will never be able to erase the words he said. One day he too will suffer loss and grieve and it will be my turn to ask him what does it feel like when the shoe is on the other foot. If he or anyone else asked me the same question 14 years later I would still be saying it is as fresh in my mind as it ever was and I am still grieving and have never stopped.
The heaviness in your heart lessens to a certain degree over time but it will never go away. You still have the feeling that you have been robbed and violated because you cannot ever see that person again or speak or touch them. You end up feeling angry and may no longer feel empathetic as you once did. Your tolerance levels are put to the test and you have to learn over again that you still have to be there for the people that matter, so your feelings have the be re-adjusted.
In my opinion, it is good to keep the memory alive of the loss of your loved one by reminiscing about the good old day and setting anniversaries. It is wrong to never mention the person again. I have all my departed souls in photos around me and when I am really sad I can look at them and tell them how I am feeling through my inner thoughts.
Time allows us to learn to cope. Everyone’s routine consumes our lives with challenges in different ways and we have to deal with problems that can override the feelings we have of dispair.
As our lives get busier and we do not have time to wallow in our self-pity, therefore what was the only thing that was on our mind of the loss of a loved one is no longer the number one priority and our thoughts end up on the back burner to re-surface when we have time to reflect on times gone by.
For me, I have learned to cope, I have my own unique routine and always keep myself busy so that I do not have time to dwell on what has happened in my life. I cannot allow that feeling to control me and although my anguish and dispair could easily rear its ugly head at any time I am able to suppress my thoughts, with my medication, and also my mission in life. I have set myself goals and I intend to achieve them with determination, with nothing standing in my way.
If you were to ask me how I feel towards people and life without my loved ones around, I can say hand on heart the only thing that is keeping me going is the goals I am trying to achieve and seeing my daughter graduate and make a good start in her life. Nothing else matters, no person and no materialistic object. I am on a mission to fulfill my legacy and my inner thoughts will be hidden until one day when I am ready to reveal them all in my autobiography I am writing.
I tolerate life. I know I have to secure my daughter’s future as she too will grieve my loss of losing me one day, so I have a master plan to leave her a legacy she will be proud and honored to remember. My way of coping is to not give up on life but to carry on even though it may increase my Anxiety, Stress & OCD levels more, I still muster the courage to plod on.
My family and my work are the only things that drives me.
Grief can lead to Trauma, PTSD, depression, anxiety, and other mental health issues such as OCD. It is nature’s way of coping.
I do not give medical advice and if you are experiencing grief and other symptoms you must seek help from a professional, e.g. first stop, your local GP.
“No one can judge me without having walked in my shoes”.
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