Surviving Domestic Violence – The Anonymous Writer.
Disclaimer – Warning – Trigger Warning – Sensitive Material.
My Online Journal: First and foremost I would like to explain I am a writer, I want to stay anonymous for now as I am not ready to share my identity to the world to know. Not many people know the full extent of what my ex did to me and my story is way overdue. I have learned one valuable lesson, not all that glitters is gold, (a handsome attractive man, maybe a devil in disguise). This is about a narcissist that physically and mentally abused me. I do not want to be known as the victim but more so as the survivor. The reason why I am sharing this story is so that people understand what hell I have gone through and how I am recovering and how I learned to go into survival mode. I also want to share how it has affected me and how I am rebuilding my life. Surviving for me was to always try and leave whenever possible even though it was my home I was fleeing from or if I was trapped not to antagonize him. I would not look at him or make eye contact and would be very quiet and subdued. I would try and protect my electronics as much as possible but not always successfully. I believed in his threats and still do, hence I want to move where he can never find me and live my life again with new happier beginnings and before anyone says why don’t I? Well you need to be able to afford to move before you put the plan into action.
My story starts just over 12 years ago. In that decade prior to the 12 years both my parents had died followed then by my brother in a drowning accident.
I remember my brother prior to going to Ecuador to help save the rain forest, his words still echo “that I should find someone to share my life with”.
My parents had died and I was raising my daughter by myself I felt vulnerable and sad. I had divorced and it was not pretty.
Then out of the blue came a stranger into my life, he was from my parent’s neck of the woods and I thought, what have I got to lose if I started dating again?
At first, everything was exciting you could call it the honeymoon period but then tragedy struck and my brother died. I now needed someone to comfort and console me and I felt very alone so this person that I hardly knew became a person that could distract me from the sadness and emptiness I was feeling.
My mental state at the time was not good and I was not focused, I was very vulnerable and scared of being alone.
This friend of a friend was aware I had inherited some money and that over the months that followed he took advantage of this.
Some women will do a lot for their partners in exchange for affection.
This was my naivety and stupidity, I believed he cared. I was not bothered about what job he had or that he did not have a car I just saw another human being, showing some affection. I believed he would never hurt me. I trusted him…
Obviously, it was not long, before I started to tighten my purse strings after one of his family members pointed out that the amount of money I was spending I was in a sense trying to buy love and affection and that is when it hit home and I thought this person could be well and truly right.
As I started to be wiser with my money that was when the trouble started to happen. My abuser was more and more verbal to me he would say the cruelest and nastiest things, he would humiliate me and belittle me and when this was no longer working he decided to become very physically abusive towards me.
He liked punching me in my face and top of my head (soft spot –Anterior Fontanelle. The position of this largest soft spot can be easily seen on a newborn; in adults, the location of the now-fused fontanelle is at the junction of the frontal, coronal, and sagittal sutures of the skull ) to punching and kicking my torso eventually dislocating my knee and he would spit better than any lama.
“I believe my cerebellar atrophy is the consequence of his actions due to the head trauma I endured”.
He once snapped my one laptop in two although replaced it, followed by another episode pouring water on another one and consequently putting me out of business for 28 weeks (I lost clients because of him due to a damaged hard drive and dislocation of my knee, where he kicked 7 times before it popped and I was immobile).
He was very intimidating and menacing and as much as I tried to get rid of him and get him out of my life completely he would threaten me that a lot worse would happen to me if I did not go at Christmas to Poland with him, each and every year. He threatened me multiple times and I even have multiple audio recordings of him threatening to kill me.
Don’t get me wrong his family was accomodating, lovely and very loving yet he was the complete opposite, the black sheep.
I do not regret meeting his family even though I did eventually sever my ties with them all after he agreed to leave me alone and pay me back for all the damage he had done, because I wanted no more to do with this demonic person and if that meant not speaking to his family and friends, then that is what I had to do.
I wanted him to know as little about me as possible.
This carried on for years and he made sure my daughter never saw what he did to me.
He was afraid after one particular incident where the Police were called and he was arrested, they wanted me to press charges but like a fool I refused.
My stupidity got the better of me (I thought I could reason with him and get the required help he needed. I believed I could change him and make him better. (You can never change a person that does not want to change) I learned that the hard way.
He started to make a habit of being physical towards me, it was as if he wanted to feel in control over me and that is when I said enough is enough and for him to leave me alone once and for all otherwise I would personally go to the Police, I tried to show I was no longer afraid of him and showed him all the evidence I collated on him. I arranged to meet him in a public place and gave him the document and played one specific audio compilation. I said should anything happen to me I have made copies of all the recordings and they are also in the cloud. He did not seem to comprehend what that meant, he did not understand what the cloud is.
I would end up writing an invoice/document with my evidence and asking him to pay me monthly for all the damages and loss of earnings due to his narcissistic behavior. He agreed to pay me £100 per month which he did until recently as the payments always went out on the 20th.
Then suddenly out of the blue last year, he messaged me that he was returning my car that he point blank refused to give back as he needed it for work.
His excuse finally for returning the car was that his driving license was no longer valid in the UK and he was not going to surrender his Polish License for a UK License, hence no insurance company would insure him.
(Yet today I drop caught an email from his car insurance provider saying the payment for £36 had also failed and they will attempt to retry in 10 days). Lie after lie after lie!
Again had I reported the car stolen when I wanted the car back, he said he needed it for work and he threatened as long he was in the UK he would make sure that if I ever called the Police on him he would come after me (Poles stick together and he knows some unsavory characters). I was afraid of what he may do so I never caused waves.
Not thinking much of it as he was paying me like clockwork, my daughter who agreed to be his translator for the Bank recently started getting notifications on her phone by SMS that his credit limit was bordering on an unarranged credit.
Both my daughter and I laughed and agreed he most probably bought a car and that his excuse to return my car was a complete and utter lie.
I believe he has bought a Nissan Micra as he has been buying parts and copies of his emails occasionally drop into my inbox (I set his inbox up many moons ago and forwarded a copy to my inbox to help with translation). At that time he did not have an email address or know how to use one, let alone set one up. I guess he still has not figured out how to stop any forwarding of emails.
Yesterday both my daughter and I were called by the Bank and although I did pick up the phone, because I heard a dog in the background I was reluctant to talk, which now I wish that I had. I was skeptical it was a legitimate call. The woman said she was phoning all the numbers on file from HSBC bank as they were trying to locate my ex.
Moving forward to today the regular monthly payment stopped out of the blue. I had a notification that the direct debit for the monthly repayment had failed. So I proceeded to phone my ex and his phone was turned off, I had no choice but and unblock him off Facebook to message him by messenger.
I did manage to get through to him but prior to this, I established that he had left his place of work in December and was no longer a tenant at the address I had for him. I spoke with the landlady who said he had told her he had moved to Holland.
He responded by saying if the bank were to contact me again that I should tell them that I do not know where he is, proceeded by love heart emojis (Delusional, he still thinks I will do him favors or that I am his friend).
However, I do not know where he is exactly (he is playing mind games) but I am in two minds to find out because he owes me £35K.
I have published the whole invoice and evidence just to show people what he did to me just in case he has tried to blacken my name.
With Artificial Intelligence Banks can find your location and Karma will pay him a visit or the bailiffs.
His mother once tried to defend him after I found out he had served time in prison, that her innocent child was not the instigator that put someone on a life support machine. I should have listened to the warning signs then.
This should be the end of the chapter for me but I am hesitant as I have always been afraid of him.
I should smear his name so that other women who foolishly may get involved with him think twice and maybe my post can help a woman thinking of getting involved with him not to get hurt, but that would no doubt come with consequences.
I suspect by his Facebook profile he is involved with someone and I do not want to stir the nest.
I pray for this woman that he treats her better than he ever treated me.
If I go to the Police now in the UK and he has fled the country there is little they can do.
I could get my solicitor in Poland to start legal proceedings to recover the money but do I need the hassle because this did not happen on Polish soil and I doubt I will have a leg to stand on?
He in all honesty has not got two pennies to rub together so what hope in hell will I ever have to get my money back unless I get the bailiffs to take his house off him… I know his mother has signed the house over to him (he is an only child).
Warning this PDF has sensitive material which can cause triggers and may be upsetting to some people.INVOICE-ADDRESS-REDACTED-ANONYMOUS-WRITER
(The images in the PDF are old and my personal appearance has now changed, I have also redacted his name and address). This is just the tip of the iceberg because I have the audio recording and have to relive the nightmare in my head. I do try to block out the things he said and did to me which I did record. But I am still apprehensive knowing he could easily come after me if he wanted. Hence I want to move somewhere where he can never find me.
The Audio Recording Of The Threats.
I am having problems uploading the file, it could be because of security reasons, and because it has sensitive material it may be censored. I do however have about 50 of these recordings and there is one that has three recordings synced into one.
He is claiming he is not in debt (delusional, as he owes me money, the bank, and the car insurance company for starters) and that I am making a mountain out of a molehill, so why did my £100 not go through and why is the Bank and Insurance Company chasing him?
Although I have published this article and in a way, I can now have a clean slate, he is still trying to push my buttons and as long as I do not know where he is I feel unsafe.
Until the Bank stops bombarding both my daughter and me over the debt he has accumulated, I cannot let this rest and if push comes to shove I will Name and Shame him for all the world to see.
I did try phoning the Bank and they told me to go into a branch and explain. I got my daughter to go in as I am very reluctant in venturing outside. I just have an overwhelming fear of being around people, I feel 100% safer in my home not that I can call it home but more so a place to crash.
I published his photo, but have since redacted it including his name and address for now, and will show the original document to the Bank to prove what he has done.
Aftermath Of His Narcissism.
“I suffer from depression and anxiety, I lose my balance with my cognitive impairment due to my cerebellar atrophy, yet I still try to stay positive”.
The things he did to me:
- He sprayed chemicals into my eyes.
- He punched my soft spot (fontanelle)at the top of my head several times.
- He punched me multiple times in my face.
- He scrammed my face with the bristles of a broom claiming he would only be able to touch me with a broom because I was filth.
- He raped me (marital rape, I had no choice but to comply otherwise there would be consequences.
- He dislocated my knee (kicking it full force until it popped).
- He urinated over me and in my mouth (he said if I was to bite he would snap my neck). This has been particularly hard for me to share, because it was humiliating, and degrading. He would laugh as he was doing it, as I was trying not to swallow and the aftertaste was very bitter and rancid as I was spitting it out.
- He would spit at and on me (photo evidence in PDF).
- He tied a laptop cable around my neck and tried to hang me. (Photo evidence of marks around my neck). It was only because he heard some coming in through the front door that he untied me. I reckon a few minutes more and I would have been dead.
- He tried pushing me down the stairs. I grabbed onto the walls and banister to break my fall.
- He broke my ribs (photo evidence of bruising around my torso) because he ridiculed me for doing kickboxing and wanted to prove a point that I would not be able to defend myself. I never returned to the lessons and stop learning to drive because I was in so much pain and my driving instructor was getting fed up with me canceling my lessons all the time.
- He mentally abused me, saying the evilest things anyone could think of, (that I was ugly, stupid a piece of meat, a whore, etc). He even spoke about my mother even though he had never met her and said the apple does not fall far from the tree and referred to the saying “like a mother-like daughter”.
- He stole from me. He stole a gold necklace plus other jewelry.
- He damaged my belongings and my home ( photo evidence in PDF)
- He threatened to kill me multiple times (I have the audio recordings to prove this). He even threatened to petrol bomb my home.
- I refused him entry so he broke in.
“Will I ever get involved with anyone again, I highly doubt it, once bitten twice shy as they say. I am too hurt inside to ever want to share my life with someone again”.
I have really bad trust issues now and would be very wary of ever allowing anyone to play a part in my life. I have built something for myself that I never could have done before as I was not able to because of the narcissistic behavior I endured.
I want to show my daughter I am strong after all I am supposed to be the one that takes care of everything even though I sometimes struggle to take care of myself.
Today I messaged him (I had no choice) , to ask what his plans were to pay me seeing his £100 direct debit agreement had failed. He responded by saying firstly to leave him alone and that I was scamming him and that I should get a job 🤣.
So the money he owes me that he claims I am scamming him yet he paid like clockwork for two years (in my defense why would he pay me a single penny if he claims I was scamming him?) he how claims it was a lie and that he was paying me to pay off my debts🤣😂😆. and conveniently forgot all about the damages he made which I photo evidence in the embedded PDF lol.
He continued to say he will cause problems for me and will state he lived with me which was untrue, he lived in another flat a couple of streets away from me, and then sofa surfed but never lived with me officially, yes I cooked for him until eventually, I stopped. He came over when he pleased and once when I purposely refused to let him in he smashed the stained glass front door window to let himself in. Because I had no proof i.e CCTV that he did it I had to replace the glass which cost me £1,200 and board up the window until the glaziers came. (I even have his landlady’s telephone number). I should have seen him for what he was from the beginning a down and out bum, a liar, and a demonic narcissist.
He is full of lies and deceit and I have taken it upon myself to write off the debt of £35K but I will use this lesson to teach others. He is too much trouble than it is worth. I will make this money back and will learn from this.
I did remind him I had the audio recordings and if he tried to cause problems I would hand the recording over to the police, and in response, he sent me a tulip and pink heart emoji 🌷💗.
I feel sad and at one point my hand was shaking so much I could control my fingers and hardly type a word on my phone.
I am unsure where in the world he is and a part of me is still looking over my shoulder.
I told him to stop messaging me and it has now gone quiet.
He once said he would smash all my windows and petrol bomb my house and today he wished me good health (I suppose I am reading into this too much, but that could be an innuendo that I should watch out).
I really do not want to dredge this up and go through court and get the Police involved I want a peaceful hassle-free life. I want to put the past behind me.
Even if I tried to get my money back he is in no position to pay me back and has no money apart from the house he owns in Poland.
He had the opportunity when he returned the car last year to state his intentions of what he was planning to do and not suddenly stop paying me.
I was in two minds taking this post down, but have re-thought that should I ever have any problems or something happens to me or my daughter I have this post as evidence of my concerns.
“Good riddance to bad rubbish, he is someone else’s problem now”.
Recovering From Domestic Abuse.
Recovering is never easy and I take each day as it comes. I do find some days harder than others but somehow I find that if I keep myself occupied and busy I do not have time to think. Writing my journal I am basically having an out-of-body experience and although the memories will never go away in time they will fade.
I do not associate writing this down that it happened to me even though it did, I just see words that are part of the content. I will no let myself dwell on all the evil things he did to me, I have moved on and what happened to me happened to me in the past which is an old chapter.
If I had to chance to do everything all over again I would not have entertained him for one minute and would never have met him. The way I see it now it is one of life’s lessons and all I can do now is share my story and perhaps help someone else.
Whenever he was confrontational I would become submissive I would talk in a softly spoken voice only if I really had to otherwise I would not speak at all. Sometimes this would rattle him that he was not getting the attention from his gaslighting so to protect me, I would respond only to make sure it would not escalate into something worse.
He would always criticize me because I looked after myself and did kickboxing not that it helped me. I would always make an effort with my appearance and lost a lot of weight after my mother and brother had died. I was very conscious of what I ate and was ridiculed constantly. The more effort I made on my appearance the more abuse I had so eventually I stopped caring.
My way of coping now is to only talk to people online, I do not like talking over the phone and have not left my home for nearly three years other than once to meet my brother for the day.
- I cannot walk very far because of the pain in my knee.
- I have social disconnection issues and much rather prefer my own company.
- I am trying to self-heal at my own pace, taking baby steps one day at a time.
- I lose my balance a lot (cerebellar atrophy)
- I muddle my words up( cognitive impairment -cerebellar atrophy)
- My OCD symptoms have gone through the roof and I simply cannot touch anything that someone else has touched without disinfecting it first.
- I am afraid of being touched or having human physical contact.
- I have really bad trust issues.
Yes, certain things that I see and hear do sometimes trigger me, yet I somehow find the courage to learn from it
The support I have is laughable.
- I once reached out to my own GP, five people I spoke to over that phoned me mentioned the letter I sent in an email attachment, yet my GP never got back to me. I was in a really dark place at the time and did not have the strength to reach out to make a consultation booking to speak about my problems. https://disabledentrepreneur.uk/anxiety-phoning-your-gp/
- Prior to that at the beginning of my relationship with my ex I did reach out to someone in my inner circle at my daughter’s 16th birthday party and this person never brought the subject up again.
- I also sent an email explaining my circumstances this year to another person who said they would phone me but never did.
- My neighbors who heard the commotions rather than intervene and call the police simply reported me to the landlord about the noise.
Reporting to the Police.
Should I have reported this to the police when I had the chance, of course, I should have, but I did not because I made to choice to not have this dragged through court and have media attention.
Furthermore, I did not want to go to a woman’s shelter, they tried doing that at the beginning when he sprayed chemicals in my eyes, but I refused to press charges.
The support worker in the women’s shelter tried to get information out of me and said quote “this is a safe space what you tell me will not go any further, and that she is my friend”, so I replied “in this lifetime and the next we will never be friends because how can I be friends with someone I have just met” and was forced to meet by the police?
(“I thought I could reason with him and make sense of what he had done and maybe change him. That was pure 100% stupidity and naivety on my part as you can not change something that is evil that does not think they have done wrong or does not want to change”).
Like I said he is now someone else’s problem now and he no longer resides in the UK.
I have made sure he does not find me hence I am removing my carbon footprint to remove my physical address. I ideally would want to move to a different location so that even if my address did pop up on the internet it would be my old one.
People do not care unless it is related to them. Some people do not want the drama and would much rather step back than try to help.
This is why I do not want to be around people because caring and being kind are two different things. Being kind is doing something in the spur of the moment, and caring is going above and beyond your call of duty.
People may say they care but in reality, they don’t.
I am done confiding with my inner circle, if anyone needs or wants to know what I have gone through I can now direct them to this page.
I do not want any sympathy or pity or have people feel sorry for me. I do not want to be labeled as damaged goods. In fact, I do not want to be known or remembered as the person that survived a domestic violent relationship, in fact, I do not want the attention at all. If anything I want people that have or are going through similar types of situations to reach out and share their stories and have emergency exit plans.
There is nothing shameful about being a victim or survivor of a domestic violence relationship. There are many domestic cases and some hidden behind closed doors where no one gets to see what is really happening and what’s going on right now.
According to WHO Estimates published indicate that globally about 1 in 3 (30%) of women worldwide have been subjected to either physical and/or sexual intimate partner violence or non-partner sexual violence in their lifetime.
On average, two women being murdered each week and 30 men per year; Accounts for 16% of all violent crime (Source: Crime in England and Wales)
Support & Healing.
Personally, I do not need pep talks I do not want anyone to be my friend. I know what I need and what I have to do to get it.
I am not happy where I live now because I am surrounded by so many bad memories. I just like where I live now I hate it. I walk around with blinkers and do not take pride in my home.
My mental health is not good but I know one day it will get better.
I have good days and bad days. On the bad days, I just switch off and disconnect from people completely. I try to distract myself by reading, learning, and watching something on the streaming channels or writing.
My tolerance level is zero and I do not have much patience. I know only care about my daughter and my family, not so much myself but I am taking baby steps to change. I watch motivation videos and am learning about neuroplasticity. I also try to hypnotize myself whenever I can.
I suffer from depression: https://disabledentrepreneur.uk/deep-dark-depression/
I need sleeping tablets to sleep otherwise my mind would be left racing throughout the night. I need medication for my knee although the pain is manageable because I do not go anywhere other than around my home.
I can say I enjoy empowering and motivating people and can disconnect from my own personal dilemma and try and help, by giving advice through my own mistakes.
I am a kind and generous person and I will give support and advice where ever it is needed.
I am comfortable enjoying my own company and maybe one day when I am strong enough I may decide to venture out into the big bad world, but as it stands I am taking one day at a time.
I used to go out and once shared office space on the high street and every time I came in I had derogatory comments from the proprietor saying look the “car crash has just walked in”. I ended up leaving.
I feel safer in my own home. I have anxiety issues leaving especially after one Christmas when I really did not want to go abroad but under duress, I had to, only to come back to having my home robbed by another low-life individual. I am afraid of being robbed again with multiple people having keys including workmen as one let himself in not so long again, thinking I was not at home. So I rather stay put and protect my belongings as I trust no one.
Am I apprehensive that someone may read this and let him know I have written about him? of course, although I have taken steps to redact my name and contact details so that my real name is not public information. (Robots do not read images unless you put alt text and tag them).
I am grateful I am alive and that he did not kill me. I am grateful I have gotten rid of him from my life. I am grateful he is not in the UK any longer. I am grateful that I can start rebuilding my life and start healing.
I can help people men and women with domestic violence issues by simply talking to them I do not have to make friends just give guidance. I am not a professional counselor but I can guide you in the right direction. You can send a message on this site and it will be passed on to me. You do not have to give your true identity either.
DOMESTIC VIOLENCE USEFUL LINKS
If you have been the victim of domestic violence, you should tell the police. If you are in imminent danger try to be calm and have an emergency exit plan. Keep things from escalating and call the police at the first opportunity you have. Use code to notify other people you are in danger.
#narcissist #mentalabuse #physicalabuse #swindler #conman #conartist #scammer #domesticviolence #greviousbodilyharm #gbh #actualbodilyharm #abh #theanonymouswriter