My OCD Disability.

Obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) is a disorder in which people have recurring, unwanted thoughts, ideas, or sensations (obsessions) that make them feel driven to do something repetitively (compulsions).

Well, I must congratulate myself I actually ventured out of my home for the first time after 17 months at home on 09/09/21.

I was very aware of my surroundings and made sure to order an Executive Uber as both there and back, as I figured out not everyone can afford high-end fairs so fewer chances of contamination.

I suffer from OCD and germ contamination and although I could not hug or kiss my brother who had flown from the States to see both my daughter and me, he was surprisingly very understanding.

We first ventured into the “Prince of Wales” public house and I insisted on paying for the drinks but when it came to the contactless payment as luck would have it, my card failed to compute and I physically had to touch the keypad (Germ Red Flag) Obviously, I had hand sanitizer to hand to ease my trigger sensation.

We then made our way to “The Ivy” I thought seeing it was a special occasion and a celebration of me leaving my home in over a year it was also fitting that I footed the bill.

The food was nice other than I thought my steak was a bit gristly considering it cost nearly £33 and my brother’s shepherd pie looked like it was a starter rather than the main meal. In all the food was reasonable and was pleasantly surprised it did not cost that much when my daughter settled the bill through our joint account.

The waitress assumed because of my daughter’s age that she could not pay the full amount herself considering there were two older people sitting at the table. See it is wrong to presume or assume and you should never judge a book by its cover.

As for my OCD, I came prepared I had antibacterial wipes in my bag and wiped down my cutlery when none of the staff were looking and going to the public toilet I had my vinyl gloves to open and close the bathroom doors and flush the toilet. I did have one issue but managed to override my anxiety that someone before me had inserted the toilet roll into the holder, but I told myself that they would have been tested for Covid especially because of where we were at.

So will I venture out again in the next few months that is the question?

If anything I will be taking baby steps and only if I am comfortable doing so.

I am desperate for a hair cut but this sounds pretty much a big deal for me to spend what normally would be three and half hours having my hair done at a salon very overwhelming at present so will have to resort to online tutorials on how to cut my own hair for now. The thought of having multiple sets of hands, washing, cutting, and styling my hair is causing me anxiety, just thinking about it.

My brother said he will be coming over next year with his wife and his youngest son. So I need to somehow get over this obstacle of going out.

I did notice one thing that I was not that bothered about just using antibacterial wipes alone to sanitize the utensils as normally I would be having anxiety that this procedure was not good enough and I would need an extra layer of “Dettol” undiluted antiseptic disinfectant to not only sanitize my hands but also the cutlery, but I managed to suppress my anxiety and came home without it feeling like it was a big ordeal which any other time it would have been for me.

Perhaps my hypnosis is starting to work for me, although it is going to take a long time to fully recover, I am optimistic about my future.

The only thing that did upset me was I heard an old family friend’s house is up for sale and is empty and both numbers I had for this person are disconnected in my old home town which my brother went to visit and secondly, the other brother that passed away, his partner had no time to meet my brother who had flown from the USA because she was grieving her nephews suicide.

This hit a raw nerve for several reasons, one being when I reached out to her after my brother had died as I was desperate to go into hiding and perhaps could have avoided all the physical and mental abuse I endured from my ex-partner, not only was I in danger, I was also at my lowest mentally speaking and she did not phone me to see if I was alright. I won’t say that suicide did not cross my mind as I was really feeling very low, not only grieving my parents but also my brother’s death, and had to also endure an abusive physical and mental relationship in which I wanted to go somewhere where I would feel safe and where my ex could not find me.

She forgets sitting on her mighty throne the wealth she is rolling around in now, in the aftermath of my brother’s passing.

So although I sympathize that someone has committed suicide and it happens to be her nephew, however, one should not turn one’s back on anyone that reaches out who is living, as you do not know what they are going through and the consequences of your actions…..She turned her back on me and I will not forgive her and I find her to be hypocritical. It only affects her when it suits. She is partly to blame for how I am feeling today and I am sure my mental health could have not deteriorated as much as it did have she have helped me.

I bet she will deny I ever opened up to her or asked for her help, yet she will remember the restaurant “Red Hot” where we celebrated my daughter’s birthday and my ex-threatened me in public and I walked out of the restaurant in tears. I then spoke to her in the public toilets. The incident is so vivid to me, so I will be amazed if she cannot remember.

She will feel my wrath one day.

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