How To Deal With People With Ableist Attidudes

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⚠️ Trigger Warning / Content Disclaimer: This article contains personal reflections and discussions surrounding ableism, gaslighting, mental health, and invisible disabilities, including references to emotional trauma and derogatory language that some readers may find distressing or triggering. Please take care while reading and prioritise your mental wellbeing. If you find any of the content upsetting, consider stepping away or seeking support from a trusted person or mental health professional.

How to Deal With People Who Assume Your Invisible Disability Is “All in Your Head”

Living with an invisible disability is a silent struggle, one that is often met with doubt, judgment, and unsolicited advice. The absence of visible symptoms often leads others, sometimes even friends or family, to minimise or dismiss the very real impact such conditions have on daily life. This ableist mindset can be harmful, especially when it’s cloaked in “concern” or feigned expertise.

When someone assumes your disability is all in your head, it’s not only invalidating, but it can be mentally and emotionally exhausting. Here we explore how to cope with ableist attitudes, protect your mental wellbeing, and set healthy boundaries even with those closest to you.

Renata’s Personal Story: “If Only It Were That Simple”

I have lived with my invisible disability for the best part of 30 years. Granted, I have good days and bad days. For the most part, I’ve hidden my disability from the public eye because of the sheer embarrassment of what people might say and the fear of being judged, especially by those who do not understand the disorder.

However, just over a decade ago, my OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder) reached new heights. Since then, I have not been able to get past the hurdle of going out. The world outside became too overwhelming, too unpredictable, and too unsafe in my mind.

I have since made the bold move of coming out, metaphorically speaking, and telling the world how my disability affects my daily life. And to my surprise, there are people, even within my close network, who believe what I’m going through is “all in the mind.” If only that were true. I would go out with a hazmat suit if it meant freedom, but my disability is not just about germs; it’s also the constant pressure of being near a bathroom, the fear of losing control, and the mental chaos that spins relentlessly in my head.

I’ve been called names: “crazy,” “warped,” “lunatic,” “nut job.” Did anyone ever stop to think how this would affect me long term? It’s disheartening to know that even the most intelligent people in my life believe this will just magically pass. I’m tired of explaining myself. It should have sunk in the first time I opened my mouth.

Understanding Ableism: It’s Not Just Ignorance—It’s Harmful

Ableism is discrimination or social prejudice against people with disabilities. It assumes that being nondisabled is the norm and equates difference with inferiority. Ableist attitudes can come in many forms:

• Gaslighting (“It’s all in your head” or “You’re overreacting”)
• Invalidation (“You don’t look sick” or “You’re fine today, what’s the problem?”)
• Unsolicited advice (“You should just go out more,” or “Try yoga and positive thinking”)
• Minimisation (“At least you don’t have [insert more visible condition]”)

These behaviours are not only dismissive, they can be psychologically damaging and perpetuate shame, isolation, and self-doubt.

The Long-Term Impact of Ableist Attitudes

When people you trust constantly invalidate your lived experience, the effects can be severe. Over time, these attitudes may contribute to:

• Depression
• Low self-esteem
• Social withdrawal
• Anxiety and panic attacks
• Post-traumatic stress
• Hypervigilance
• Trust issues
• Self-stigma

Ableism can become internalised. You may start questioning yourself, thinking maybe you are overreacting or imagining it. But you’re not. Your experience is real, and it matters.

What to Do When People Don’t Believe You

Here’s a list of actionable steps you can take, especially when dealing with friends or family who lack lived experience or professional understanding:

1. Protect Your Peace

You don’t owe anyone a justification for your health. If they continually dismiss your reality, you are allowed to walk away from the conversation or the relationship.

2. Educate—But Only If You Have the Energy

Send them a credible resource or ask them to research your condition. If they care, they will make the effort. If not, it’s not your burden to carry.

3. Use “I” Statements

“I feel invalidated when you say my disability is in my head.” Framing it this way can help people understand the emotional impact of their words.

4. Set Clear Boundaries

If someone insists on offering advice or undermining you, say something like: “I appreciate your concern, but I need you to respect my experience and not try to fix me.”

5. Seek Out Supportive Communities

Find people who get it, either online or locally. Peer support can be validating, empowering, and healing.

6. Limit Exposure

If someone is consistently harmful to your mental health, limit your time around them. You don’t need to cut them off entirely, but you can choose when and how to engage.

7. Document Your Experience

Write down your symptoms, experiences, and how others’ attitudes affect you. This can help in therapy or if you ever need to make a formal complaint.

What Friends and Family Should Understand

If you’re a friend or family member of someone with an invisible disability:

• Do not diagnose, prescribe, or advise unless you’re a qualified professional.
• Do not assume your experience of stress or illness is the same.
• Do listen, validate, and offer emotional support without judgment.
• Do respect boundaries, especially when your loved one says “no” or “not today.”

Ableism isn’t always loud or aggressive. Sometimes, it’s disguised as helpfulness or “tough love.” But even well-meaning ignorance can wound deeply.

Conclusion

Living with an invisible disability already takes immense courage. Navigating a world that constantly doubts your experience adds a second layer of trauma. But you are not alone. Your experiences are valid, your emotions are real, and your existence is not up for debate. You do not need to prove your worth to anyone. And when ableist attitudes arise, even from the people closest to you, remember that their ignorance is not your identity. Stand firm in your truth, advocate for your wellbeing, and surround yourself with those who see you, not just what they think you should be.