Relationship Breakups: When Love Ends but the Pain Lingers

Disclaimer: This article is based on personal experience and reflection. It does not constitute medical, psychological, or legal advice. If you are struggling with overwhelming distress, intrusive thoughts, or prolonged depression, please seek professional support.

Relationships and Mental Health

Relationship breakups, whether through divorce or the quiet ending of a partnership, can be among the most emotionally devastating experiences a person endures. They do not simply end a relationship; they dismantle futures we imagined, identities we built around “us,” and the sense of safety we thought love guaranteed.

What makes breakups even harder is when you want the person back, but they no longer want you. That rejection cuts deeply into self-worth, distorts thinking, and can leave lasting scars if not handled with care.

I write this from lived experience, painful, raw, and honest, and with the hope that others may avoid the emotional traps that once consumed me.

When You Want Them Back but They Don’t Want You

Wanting someone who has emotionally checked out is a unique kind of torture. You replay every memory, analyse every word, and blame yourself for their absence. Logic disappears. Dignity erodes. Survival becomes the only goal.

My first traumatic breakup was with my banker boyfriend. He treated me appallingly, but I could not see the woods for the trees. All I wanted was him, at any cost.

I was inconsolable. I cried so much that my father threatened to throw me out if I didn’t stop. There were no mobile phones, no social media, no way to reach out or seek reassurance. On Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, I stayed in bed, unable to face my family downstairs. I felt abandoned, humiliated, and emotionally paralysed. I felt the air had been sucked out of me, and my world had collapsed around me. I was desperate to get him back, not realising I could find someone better, someone who would love and respect me, yet all I saw was him and me, and no one else. I had tunnel vision and had no support network that could help me climb out of the dark hole I was in. Some people connect with others on rebound, to make the person you want back jealous, which causes emotional distress to the person you are using, as you have no intention of being with this person more than you have to. Do not use people for your own personal ends; people have feelings, too. The person you want back will be more hurt when they see or hear you have moved on quickly and become someone not in their league, but better. I am over this person now, but it took me many years to realise this, and I have more personal satisfaction knowing he no longer, in a million years, can have me back, even if he wanted to, as this ship has sailed.

Had I known then what I know now, my life would have unfolded very differently.

How Breakups Distort Self-Worth

One of the most damaging consequences of rejection is how quickly it turns inward.

I felt ugly because he did not love me. I convinced myself that if he didn’t want me, then neither would the world. My value became entirely dependent on his absence.

This is what heartbreak does:

It convinces you that rejection equals truth
It blurs reality and amplifies insecurity
It replaces self-respect with desperation

Instead of caring for myself, I crashed and burned.

**What I Should Have Done (and Wish I Had Known)**

If I could speak to my younger self, this is what I would tell her.

Things You Should Do After a Breakup

Occupy your mind immediately: An idle mind invites intrusive thoughts. Learn a skill. Study. Read. Create.
Invest in yourself ruthlessly: Your energy belongs to your growth, not their absence.
Build structure into your days: Routine restores stability when emotions spiral.
Move your body: Walking, stretching, or exercise releases trapped emotion.
Write everything down: Writing creates closure when the other person cannot.
Surround yourself with purpose, not pity: Comfort is good; stagnation is not.
Set future-focused goals: Goals pull you forward when grief pulls you back.
Accept that rejection is information, not a verdict: It tells you about compatibility, not worth.
Become emotionally and intellectually irresistible for yourself
Allow grief, but don’t build a home there

Had I buried myself in books instead of burying my head in the sand, I would have been a human rights lawyer four decades ago.

What You Should Not Do

Some behaviours feel comforting in the moment but are emotionally destructive long-term.

Things You Should NOT Do

Do not beg, plead, or bargain: It erodes dignity and reinforces imbalance.
Do not obsessively replay conversations: There is no new information there.
Do not romanticise mistreatment: Love does not require self-abandonment.
Do not stalk or monitor their life: Comparison delays healing.
Do not stop living: Love should add to your life, not replace it.
Do not assign them godlike power over your worth
Do not isolate yourself completely
Do not punish yourself for loving deeply
Do not wait for closure that may never come
Do not believe this pain defines your future

Divorce, Loss, and the Absence of Closure

I did eventually marry. The divorce was brutal. Later, my ex-husband died. With his death came a different kind of grief, the permanent loss of closure.

There were no final conversations. No apologies. No understanding. Only silence.

Writing became my way to process what could no longer be resolved. Helping others with broken hearts became my purpose. Sometimes, closure doesn’t come from the other person; it comes from who you become afterward.

Intrusive Thoughts and Emotional Obsession

After my first breakup, I allowed intrusive thoughts to take control. I obsessed over being with my banker boyfriend, no matter what. My mind became a battleground.

What I learned too late:

Obsession is not love; it is fear
Intrusive thoughts thrive in emotional chaos
Discipline of thought is a form of self-respect

Today, I protect my mind fiercely.

Peace Comes When You Let Go of Emotion, Not Meaning

Two decades later, I gained knowledge, and with it, peace. After my divorce, I learned to let go of emotions without denying their existence. I set goals. I built barriers, not walls, but boundaries.

If I had one message for anyone going through heartbreak, it would be this:

Become the best version of yourself so that anyone who tries to break you will find it impossible to breach the barrier you have built. And one day, they may regret their actions, but by then, it will no longer matter to you.

Final Thoughts

No one is immune to heartbreak; heartbreak does not have to define you. Four decades later, I have not forgotten my first heartbreak, which caused my mental health decline to the point it triggered my OCD, but thanks to him, I have shaped my world by forgiving, but not forgetting, which in turn helps others to pave a path and come out as stronger and better versions of ourselves. If it wasn’t for him, I would have been a housewife with no ambition, because I did not know any better; instead, I am an entrepreneur and soon-to-be human rights lawyer. I strongly believe everything happens for a reason.