I am a stronge believer in never knock it until you have tried it, meaning see if it works before doing away with it, and if the CIA has been doing that has to be something in accessing your subconscious mind and re-wiring your thoughts.
I wish in the 30 years I have suffered from OCD, depression, anxiety, stress, and PTSD that my GPs which I have had a few, could have suggested hypnosis.
It is not for me to tell them to their jobs but no one ever suggested it and like a good little soldier I went on my merry way without questioning it or bringing it up in conversation.
I think as I am getting older I am getting a little wiser and have decided to explore neuroplasticity and brain training.
I have just started the art of self-hypnosis and have found a braining training motivational speaker ‘Jake Ducey’. I have subscribed to his Facebook videos and am on his mailing list and find the information he gives is valuable, which I am now implementing into my own life.
For years I have been programmed to think that I was not good enough, that I was a failure, I would not amount to much or have nice things. I was criticized, judged, humiliated, and belittled. I started believing everything anyone said to me.
The emphasis of this multiplied when I got involved with a narcissist that created negative energy and made my life toxic. I knew things had to change and I feel like the world has lifted off my shoulders since he has been gone.
The day I flipped the switch and said enough is enough was the day I started to think differently. Every time anyone would say something derogatory I would have an out-of-body experience. If they were directing their opinions and their judgments at my body, I immediately became numb with a hardened exterior and my body has always felt as it is a vessel and it is protecting what is my inner soul. I felt like they could do what they wanted to my body but they would never get to my soul (sticks and stones will break my bones but words will never hurt me).
Everyone is entitled to their opinion but their opinion is not my belief. They could think what they wanted about me, it was now water off a duck’s back and not significant to me. I have always thought treat people like you would wish to be treated.
I started standing up to my fears and thought “what was the best that can happen to me”, rather than my worst? I turned my negative thoughts into good thoughts and started thinking differently. I started making goals.
Where just over a decade ago I had no direction in the last few years I have started to focus. I have set goals and I know what I want but never found a way to manifest what I wanted until now.
I am paving a path. People’s perceptions and opinions of me no longer matter, I am now in control.
In my lifetime I have come across, some very cruel, rude monstrous people that have had this self-opinionated, self-entitled persona about them that they think they are better than you. I have had people with sarcastic, patronizing, opinionated attitudes try and tell me what to do or who have looked down at me and I now rise above it all, as it is only their opinion and who are they at the end of the day?
I have learned if someone is trying to hurt you, end the conversation and block them. I do not play fire with fire, if someone has an evil tongue, I bite mine. Remember silence speaks a thousand words.
Obviously, I have a long way to go to heal as this is only the start of my journey.
I have now started to delve into brain training and mind control(Neuroplasticity) and will publish my progress over the next few months. I will start a 30-day social experiment on myself starting today 30/05/21 where I will use self-hypnosis and the eye roll technique as well as listening to “Jakes audio” and will document my findings on a daily basis which I will publish at the end of next month.
My goal is to try and stabilize my OCD, my depression, my stress, my anxiety, and my PTSD. Because of all the grief, I have endured over the years, I need to brainwash the mind of my memories. I also want to change my ultimate thinking process to manifest what I want.
Apparantly you need to practice the eye roll technique as in the pdf below:
Once you have mastered the eye roll technique you should find a quiet space to meditate and play the following audio:
You should also watch some of “Jake Ducey’s” motivational videos, which I have added open below , especially if you are going through a difficult period in your life and you are surrounded by negative or toxic people.You too also need to retrain your brain and your thought process and try these relaxation and thought-provoking techniques.
Do check out “Jake Ducey’s” website and start re-training your brain. Jake has been featured on FOX, TEDx, Entrepreneur, HuffPost, and INC, and Penguin Random House. He is a force to be reckoned with: https://jakeducey.com/
Believe it or not, The Central Intelligence Agency (CIA) and the United States Government have been using mind control and the laws of attraction for years.
The CIA technique dubbed the Gateway Experience was essentially described as a training system to bring enhanced strength, focus, and coherence to the amplitude and frequency of brainwave outputs patterns, according to the CIA report, ranged from converting energy to heal one’s body to traveling across space and time to learn and access new information. The CIA approved testing for this under the eyes of US Army Lieutenant Colonel Wayne M McDonnell. The project was classified by the CIA until 2003. McDonnell was commissioned to work on the Gateway Experience in the 1980s at a time in US history when the nation was taking a deep interest in different varieties of psychic research.
Project MKUltra (or MK-Ultra) is the code name given to a program of experiments on human subjects that were designed and undertaken by the U.S. Central Intelligence Agency (CIA), some of which were illegal. Experiments on humans were intended to develop procedures and identify drugs such as LSD to be used in interrogations in order to weaken the individual and force confessions through brainwashing and psychological torture. The project was organized through the Office of Scientific Intelligence of the CIA and coordinated with the United States Army Biological Warfare Laboratories. Other code names for drug-related experiments were Project Bluebird and Project Artichoke.
Investigative efforts were halted by CIA Director Richard Helms’s who ordered that all MKUltra files be destroyed in 1973; the Church Committee and Rockefeller Commission investigations relied on the sworn testimony of direct participants and on the relatively small number of documents that survived Helms’s destruction order. In 1977, a Freedom of Information Act requests uncovered a cache of 20,000 documents relating to project MKUltra which led to Senate hearings later that year.
Some surviving information regarding MKUltra was declassified in July 2001. In December 2018, declassified documents included a letter to an unidentified doctor discussing work on six dogs made to run, turn and stop via remote control and brain implants.
The above document “Analysis and Assessment of Gateway Process”, that also Jake refers to is downloadable, it is available through the following link below: https://jakeducey.com/CIA/
This makes me believe there is a way to manipulate one’s mind using hypnosis and Neuroplasticity tDCs.
Alternatively if you cannot download the document for some reason, then drop us a line.
According to the Hebbian theory(Hebbs Law) is a neuroscientific theory claiming that an increase in synaptic efficacy arises from a presynaptic cell’s repeated and persistent stimulation of a postsynaptic cell. It is an attempt to explain synaptic plasticity, the adaptation of brain neurons during the learning process. It was introduced by Donald Hebb in his 1949 book The Organization of Behavior. The theory is also called Hebb’s rule, Hebb’s postulate, and cell assembly theory. Hebb states it as follows:
Let us assume that the persistence or repetition of a reverberatory activity (or “trace”) tends to induce lasting cellular changes that add to its stability. … When an axon of cell A is near enough to excite a cell B and repea cells firing B, is increased.
Grief is a debilitating devastating emotion and it can crush you. Only you will deal with the grief in your own way, there is no right or wrong way and no one can tell you otherwise.
What is grief?
Grief is a natural process that we experience when it comes to the loss of a loved one. Grief is our body’s way of coping with the emotional suffering when someone we love is taken away. We will often have an overwhelming emotion of heart-wrenching heartache.
The initial feeling of coming to terms with such an emotion can be a shock, horror, anger, disbelief, guilt, and profound sadness. Our emotions of grief can cause devasting mental health issues and can also disrupt our physical health.
Dealing with grief may make sleeping more difficult, taking care of our well-being and eating habits even going as far as loss of appetite. It can even cause us to not think properly or clearlyand cause us not to be able to perform mundane tasks, let alone more complex actions.
Dealing with grief are natural responses and emotions which are normal reactions and the more important and significant the loss, the more intense the grief will be.
Different types of Loss.
There are many ways of experiencing grief, it may not necessarily be through death but could be something that causes us to feel helpless and not in control.
Having to lose someone near and dear to you can be a life-changing event and emotion and very debilitating.
Having to learn to cope and to start life over again, not having something or someone around can be challenging and can put our mental abilities to the test.
Different Forms of Loss & Trauma.
Loss of a job
Loss of financial stability and support
Going through a Divorce
A break-up of a relationship
Loss of health
Death of a Pet
Loss of a Business
Loss of a Friend (breakdown of friendship or death)
Loss of a Parent through Death
Loss of a Sibling through Death
Loss of a Child through Death
Loss of a Spouse, a wife, or husband through death (from a sudden event as well as a serious illness)
Loss of a family home due to financial issues or divorce
Loss of your assets because of theft (including sentimental belongings)
Loss of your pride and dignity, self-worth due to physical and mental abuse
Loss of a cherished dream, taken away because of an unexpected financial issue
Loss of your safety net through financial difficulties or mental and physical abuse
Loss of a working environment (workmates) due to retirement or changing jobs
Rape. (Loss of virginity or loss of self-worth due to rape)
Loss of self-worth through Physical and Mental Abuse (Domestic Violence)
Loss of dignity and pride, due to racism and discrimination
Loss of confidence due to humiliation, trust issues, belittlement, betrayal, and other insecurities
Loss of freedom due to incarceration
Life events not only are to do with death. Life events can cause us to feel the subtle loss that can trigger a sense of grief and other emotions. For example moving away to a different area due to work or other factors, leaving your school/college/uni friends due to graduation causes us to endure the feeling of separation or simply changing jobs, and leaving your workmates can all cause us to experience sadness.
Our loss is personal.
Our loss is individual and very personal to us, not everyone will understand the feeling of emptiness unless they have experienced it for themselves.
Regardless of your loss, it is personal to you. People may experience resentment, anger, or start blaming themselves if they had done things differently the loss could have been avoided.
When you suffer the loss of a person, animal, relationship, or situation which was significant to you, it can cause intense inner emotional pain of heartache. The heaviness of having a broken heart can slowly heal through therapy.
The pain will never go away but will not feel so intense over time and eventually, time will help you move on with your life.
When we grieve our mental strength can be tested to its limit.
Grieving is a very unique experience and no two losses ever feel the same. There is no ideal way to grieve it is very individual to us and we can only cope with the grieving process by how well we can cope mentally.
Not everyone has a strong mindset some people cannot cope with change regardless of how insignificant it is. In order to overcome grief, there must be an element of time and therapy and having the mental strength to move forward.
Overcoming grief depends on many factors, including your mental well-being, if you have mental health issues this can cause the problem to become worse. Your personality and ability to tackle problems and get around obstacles, your life experiences, your faith, and how significant the loss is will determine how well you heal.
Healing cannot be hurried it is a gradual process and cannot be forced. For some people, they can heal relatively quickly but for some, it may take many years. Healing cannot be measured, in weeks, months, or years, it is a persons mental state of mind that will determine how long it will take to heal.
If you try and ignore grief and not think about the ordeal, it will not go away, you need to find a way to deal with your sadness.
Crying does not mean you are a weak person. In fact, it is good to cry and release sadness and despair.
Putting on a brave face to protect your family and friends does not help anyone in the long run especially if they are grieving the same grief as you. Being open and talking about your feelings are the first steps to recovery.
If however, you are unable to show emotion that also is another way of your body copying, some people cannot show how they feel and end up bottling things up. If you cannot cry that does not mean you do not care any less, everyone has their own unique coping mechanisms.
Moving on with your life does not mean you have forgotten it just means you have re-adjusted to life without your loved ones. Moving on does not mean you have accepted the loss it just means that you can live your life without them, but continue to keep the memory alive.
Everyone will experience the loss of a loved one at some point in their lives. It is part of life itself. When our hearts are broken into smithereens it is sometimes very difficult to put them back together again.
Finding the right help, guidance, and therapy can be useful if the loss of a loved one is sudden. You do not have to do it alone and you can find someone to help you and be your support worker, to help you get through the most difficult times.
Time heals but does not forget!
First Steps to Healing.
Admit you feel sad, do not pretend that you are ok.
Talk about your sadness to your family and friends.
Make an online memorial page where others can share their stories. Create either a website or a Group on Facebook rather than a public page, which means people can share their memories and have the posts approved by a group admin member before they can access the memorial.
Start a diary (virtual or physical) or write a biography about their life.
Create a scrapbook of memories, express your feeling in a creative tangible way. (For me I preserved some leaves from my brother’s oak tree).
Get a park bench with the person’s name (Contact your local council office).
Be creative and make something that will always remind you of them. (put their photo in a locket or charm bracelet or print their image on a keepsake).
Start a foundation or raise awareness, and or give to a charity.
Surround yourself with images of the person or pet you have lost.
Share your memories and celebrate their life through anniversaries.
Understand that the feeling of grief can trigger other emotions (anger, denial, depression, etc).
Take care of yourself even though you find life meaningless (Your body is your temple).
Speak with a GP or Grief Counselor
Know the difference between grief, PTSD, and depression.
Dedicate your life to the person you have lost by public speaking.
The Five Stages of grief
Studies made by psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross in 1969 introduced what would become known as the “five stages of grief.” These stages of grief were based on her research of feelings of patients facing terminal illness. She spoke of:
It must be noted that not everyone who grieves goes through all of these five stages of grief. In some cases, people have been known not to experience any of these emotions and have managed to heal.
Elizabeth Kübler-Ross never intended for these stages to be a rigid framework that applies to everyone who mourns. In her last book before her death in 2004, she said of the five stages of grief: “They were never meant to help tuck messy emotions into neat packages. They are responses to lose that many people have, but there is not a typical response to loss, as there is no typical loss. Our grieving is as individual as our lives.”
Grief can be an ocean tears of emotions.
People in the early stages of grief may feel intense numbness or sadness and as time progresses the ocean of emotions can be high tidal waves and ebbing flowing lows. It takes time to overcome loss, with some people never fully recovering at all. Even years after a loss, especially on anniversaries, special places, special events such as holidays like Christmas and family reunions, and birthdays, the emptiness of not having the person present can be very upsetting.
Symptoms of grief
IntenseDevastating Shock and Disbelief, not being able to accept the loss.
Paralyzing Numbness of what has happened and you feel cold without and emotion or empathy.
Denial, that it is just a bad dream it has not happened and you are still expecting them to show up even in reality that they are gone. You look for them in a crowded place. (I once saw a homeless man that looked the spitting image of my brother and I gave him money and bought him food).
Anger, of why you lost someone as opposed to someone else losing someone.
Blame, Blaming yourself, had you have done things differently that this could have been avoided or not doing enough.
Questioning yourself, questioning your sanity, are you going crazy for feeling so low and questioning your faith and God.
Sadness, emptiness, despair, deep loneliness, and yearning.
Guilt, having said something that you wish you could have unsaid, feeling relieved that the person has gone and is not suffering or the guilt of not doing enough to prevent them from dying.
Fear, of how, will you cope without them emotionally and being alone as well as coping financially, how will you be able to live without them.
Anger, you may feel disdain for everyone around you because they are living and breathing and your loved one is not. Even feeling resentful to the doctors that should have done more to save the person.
Abandonment, feeling angry because the person has abandoned you even though you would have given your life for them.
Robbed, feeling like the person has been stolen from you and an injustice has been done.
Physical & Mental symptoms of grief.
Fatigue, grief can manifest in many ways, some people feel very tired and just want to curl up in a ball and sleep all the time and not do anything else, hoping that life will be different when they wake or sleep because life is pointless to stay awake and do anything.
Insomnia, some people simply cannot sleep, they overthink and may be up all night worrying and obsessing.
Isolation, some people isolate and no longer wish to be sociable. (This is me in a nutshell)
Depression, intense sadness 24/7 that you cannot shake, whilst others are inconsolable and cry all the time.
Weight, grief can also affect your physical health by either make you gain weight or lose weight.
Substance Abuse, some people start smoking, drinking, or take recreational drugs just to numb out the hollowness and loneliness they are feeling.
Lowered Immunity, poor diet, and other physical attributes can cause lowered immunity which in turn causes the person to be susceptible to other illnesses.
Mental Illness, grief can also lead to anxiety, stress, depression, and PTSD, the trauma of losing a loved one can also cause mental illnesses such as OCD.
Coping with grief is always a very delicate matter and it is your own personal preference how to try to deal with it. Talking to your friends and family is always a good idea as well as your GP and Health Professional that are expert in grief counseling. The relief of talking to someone can help lessen the burden of your loss. Listening to other people’s recollections and memories of the person that has died help you to find closure.
However, if you turn to friends they may not be able to help you as you would expect especially if they have never experienced grief themselves.
Close friends in particular often do want to help but don’t know-how, if they have not experienced death firsthand.
If you need help with arranging funeral directors, planning a wake, and sorting out finances then appoint someone that can manage all your affairs, they do not necessarily have to be a friend but a funeral planner company that offers the services. Understand that some people may feel awkward about helping so turning to a professional institution can help take some of the stress away.
People who have never experienced death will not understand what you are going through they can second guess but until they experience it for themselves they may not be able to give you the full support you need.
Not having the right support can make things difficult if your friends are unsure how to comfort you and they may feel like they are walking on eggshells in the fear of saying or doing something wrong. This is why it is good to speak with a professional or join a group.
If you are religious try to turn to your faith to find peace, alternatively if you are questioning your faith and God go to your church and arrange a talk with the clergy. People find going to church and praying or spending time at the graveside comfort.
There are many social media support groups that you can join as well as finding physical meeting places. If you want to interact physically or virtually, take the first steps to counsel and sharing your sorrow with people who have experienced similar loss as you. . To find a bereavement support groups in your area, contact local hospices, funeral homes, and counseling centers.
Acknowledging you will never see your loved one again will help you heal and ease some of the pain. Acknowledge your feeling, of sorrow, despair, loneliness, and intense sadness. Understand that this is normal and you have to experience it to move on. Typical denial is trying to avoid or acknowledging and refusing to talk about and hiding away. This can lead to complications such as depression, anxiety, substance abuse, and health problems. The first step is acknowledging you will never see that person again.
Honour their life.
Plan ahead of anniversaries, make a memorial, something people can reflect and remember. Build a celebration of life events your loved one had and allow the people that knew them to join in.
Your Personal Health
Your mental and physical health is paramount. Your body is your temple therefore you should treat it like one. Get enough sleep, maintain a healthy diet, exercise regularly, and avoid substance abuse to numb the pain. If we have a healthy body we will also help to have a healthy mind.
Complicated Grief is like being stuck in an intense paralyzed state of mourning. You may not be able to accept the death and you end up obsessed andpreoccupied with the person who died which in turn disrupts your daily routine and causes problems in your other relationships.
Complicated Grief includes:
An obsessed feeling of intense longing and yearning for the loss of your loved one. Living and breathing just the person you have lost, looking and searching for anything written about them. Talking about them 24/7 in an obsessed way.
Intrusive thoughts or images of your loved one. (I have a problem with anything to do with water, like rivers and whirlpools, and cannot watch anything to do with drowning or look at images).
Panic attacks, reliving the trauma over again.
Nightmares, constant nightmares of the ordeal or the person and the circumstances.
Denial and a sense of disbelief, not coming to terms with the fact the person has actually gone. Refusing to acknowledge they have actually gone.
Avoiding, mentioning their name or the places they once went to or avoiding looking and touching things that remind you of them. (I cannot physically go back to and visit the street where my family home once wasbecause it brings back too many painful memories).
Anger and bitterness, over your loss of your loved one, hating the world and everyone in it. (I personally experienced this especially when my mum passed away, I hated the world but I am over it now, I do have different anger now where my brother is laid to rest, which I was not consulted over).
Feelingthat life is pointless and that there is no reason to carry on. (Suicidal Thoughts).
If your loved one died an unexpected sudden death either a heart attack or something that was an accident, violent or disturbing you may be experiencing complicated grief which can manifest as psychological trauma or PTSD, (my brother died by drowning).
The sudden loss of a loved one where you have had no time to prepare for their passing means you will experience intense crushing shock. It will feel the whole world is falling apart around you and you are sinking. It will make you feel helpless and you will be struggling with upsetting irrational emotions, memories, and anxiety that won’t go away, if this is the case you will have been traumatized.
Knowing the difference between grief and depression
Thinking and obsessing over a person 24/7, week in week out is called depression. If you are consumed by the loss and nothing else matters and no matter what you do you cannot shake the feeling of contestant emptiness and despair you have depression and you need to speak with your GP as soon as possible. Knowing the difference between grief and clinical depression isn’t always easy as they share many similar attributes. When you’re in the middle of the grieving process, you will still have moments of pleasure or happiness, depending on how intense and complicated your grief is. With depression the feelings of emptiness and despair are constantand if it consumes your life 24/7 you need to seek help from a Health Professional.
Symptoms of Depression.
An intense, sinking feeling of hopelessness.
An obsession that you cannot step out of (which could be an obsession about the person who has departed or the obsession about death).
Suicidal Thoughts, or a preoccupation with dying or planning ways how to die.
Hopelessness or worthlessness.
Feeling fatigued and lethargic.
Slow speech and body movements, because you have no need to rush.
Not being able to function properly, (at home, at work, and/or at school/college or University). It could also be not being able to make important decisions or manage finances.
Imagination, Seeing, or hearing things that aren’t there.
Medication is usually prescribed for people who have depression, anxiety, stress disorders, insomnia, and mental health problems as well as physical illnesses. In most cases, grief does not warrant the use of antidepressants unless the grief is intense and complicated. Sometimes people who are inconsolable may be prescribed valium to calm them down or other sedatives. For people who have intense grief that is inconsolable, they may be referred to a counselor for grief therapy.
It is unadvisable to self-medicate or to use recreational substances such as alcohol or drugs as numbing the pain only prolongs the grief process rather than helping the person come to terms and heal. It is like putting a band-aid on a gaping wound and when they sober up the reality of the fact is still there.
Seeking Professional Help.
If the pain is unbearable and you feel your world is crashing down around you you need to seek professional help straight away. If you leave your symptoms untreated, complicated grief and depression can lead to significant mental health issues and emotional damage, life-threatening health problems, and even suicide.
Contact a grief counselor or professional therapist if you:
If you feel you cannot cope and your life is crashing down around you and cannot perform simple tasks or manage to make important or even simple decisions.
If you are obsessing over the person 24/7, week in week out, and your life is consumed with every thought of the person that has died.
If you feel like life isn’t worth living anymore because the person is no longer in your life.
If you wish you had died with your loved one.
If you are having suicidal thoughts.
If you blame yourself for the loss or not doing enough to prevent them from dying.
If you feel total numbness to society and prefer to disconnect from people and isolate yourself.
Note From The Editor.
In my lifetime I have experienced death many times from when I was little I paid my respects to a boy in an open upright coffin, who had fallen from a cherry tree in Poland, I think I was 10 at the time. Then a family friend died approximately 12 hours before his wedding from a heart attack something like eleven years later and I had to console his fiance. When I came to Wales and worked at the Holiday Resort in Barry Island (Majestic Centre) in 1992, I had to console a holidaymaker’s wife and son because the husband had a heart attack and died.
Then in 1992 a close friend of mine, a very beautiful successful singer who toured Europe and was famous in a band in Germany but came back to live in Wales, committed suicide in Dinas Powys.
Years later I then experienced personal grief where my father passed away in 2004 and then my mother in 2007 and then the most crushing and devasting blow was when my brother in 2010 died in a freak accident and most recently my ex-husband only last week 16/05/21
For me, the coping process is to surround myself with photos and memories of the people I have lost and to keep their memory alive by talking and writing about them.
This is my way of coping as even after the passing of both my parents and my brother I am still grieving in my own way and occasionally when I have time to reflect I am consumed with intense sadness but find keeping myself busy and not having time to think helps me to carry on.
Most recently my ex-husband passed away and again I feel sadness as I always cared about him and never stopped. (I wrote a memorial post expressing my feelings it was my way of coping with the sad news, I do not think I needed permission for that as it is part and parcel of the grieving process and everyone’s grief is differentand how you cope is entirely your choice).
The news was shocking to me that he had died. I thought I had time to make amends as that was my ultimate goal. I am now consumed with guilt and regret that I should have reached out when I had the opportunity, I just took him for granted he would always be around and that I had plenty of time.
I have learned you do not know what is around the corner waiting for us and building bridges is a must if you do not want to have regrets. Finding forgiveness and putting all indifferences aside are the first steps to healing and moving on.
There is no time like the present to say “sorry”, what is done is done you cannot turn back the clock but you can move forward, saying “I love you” can mean a lot and may make a difference, also remember to create memories.
For me, I have experienced complicated sudden death five times and I have also experienced one particular emotion of anger.
My anger still manifests inside of me eleven years on, because of the circumstances where my brother was laid to rest. I was not consulted on the location other than it was the Woodland Trust and where his ashes are it is no longer ‘Woodland Trust Land’ but private land as I believe the land changed hands within the last few years.
Not only that my anger festers inside over something someone once said to me about six months after my mother’s passing “so how long are you going to expect to grieve for?” I never forgot those words and never have forgotten the person that said them to me (J.M). The words were cutting and heartless and it was like rubbing salt into a gaping wound.
So in order for me to ever pay my respects to my brother or visit the oak tree is no longer possible. Some will say his spirit has left and is now just energy surrounding us and in a way, I do agree but it also nice to have a place to go to remember the person and to reflect. Maybe in time, I may find the strength to forgive but as it stands I still have the anger embedded in my soul.
My brother in his will said he wanted his ashes buried in woodland but never said exactly where. I am sure there is a ‘Woodland Trust’ where my parents are buried. I was told the reason for the location was it was my brother and his partner’s special place they visited often. What about his family that obviously did not matter? The location is nowhere near ‘Lake Windermere’ but in the middle of a field on the outskirts.
His partner at the time took it upon herself to make the arrangements without consulting me. Having his ashes in the middle of a field approximately 257 mi (413 km) is not ideal and now is virtually impossible to visit. I have other grievances but will focus on the subject of grief.
I am now carrying the emotion of guilt and regret that I should have reached out to my ex-husband sooner and told him how I really felt.
I have also experienced other types of grief not to do with death, such as relationship breakups, divorce, losing a business, loss of self worth due to physical and emotional abuse, loss of dignity, loss of assets. I won’t go into everything individually but I have carry many war wounds.
I suffer from clinical depression and OCD it is manageable with the medication I take. I have been on my medication for many years now, I am now looking into neuroplasticity as a form of treatment.
This is a sad post but it is my way of coming to terms with my mentor, someone I looked up to and respected and someone I learned a lot from.
Dealing with death the fourth time round should be a walk in the park for me but I can tell you it is not.
To think that I have lost both my parents and my brother and now my ex-husband feels like I have been robbed all over again. The feeling is so very final, you cannot pick the phone and talk to them you cannot say sorry or that you love them. The feeling is sheer cold hollow emptiness.
The feeling is like no other it is of great sadness and despair. The feeling is also very angry and hostile one and it makes you question life and all of life’s trivialities.
The feeling is of guilt and regrets and for me not being able to speak to my ex-husband again is heartbreaking the second time around the first when we split up and the second time now. Perhaps it was never meant to be, perhaps this was destiny’s way of saying to you this was how it ends?
The last time I spoke to him was 14 years ago where he came to tell me his son had died in a car accident. He was not alone and the person he was with was not welcome but it was the right thing to do to accommodate her under the circumstances.
You take people for granted and you expect them to be around forever and I thought I had time to finish my autobiography and tell him and the world what actually happened and how I actually felt and am still feeling.
In truth, he was my knight in shining armor and things could have been different, but I guess things happen for a reason.
I wanted to tell him I was sorry for hurting him and although we have social media I wanted to tell him to his face.
I knew I had hurt him because of his behavior straight after, but he had also hurt me too. Two wrongs do not make a right but I wanted closure on something I thought I had plenty of time to say. We never had the opportunity then to talk because of all the animosity surrounding our break-up.
I did not know he was termininally ill until recently. I knew nothing.
Prior to his passing, I left a voice message on his phone, I guess he never got to listen to it 🙁 Perhaps he had even changed his number, again I do not know that either.
After our divorce, he did not want me to carry his name. I changed my name by Deed Poll from (MRS) to (MS) but still kept his name. After our divorce he got want he wanted briefly I was a ‘Maziak’ again but then decided to revert back to what would have been my married name. I will use his name with honor and pride. My name is the double barrel and although one is foreign and difficult to remember, pronounce and spell I use his surname for business. People know how to spell ‘Barnes’ as opposed to ‘Maziak’ and that is how it will stay.
So yesterday evening 16th May 2021 I was informed my ex-husband had passed away peacefully in the afternoon. At first I was stunned as if I had been winded and tried to hold enough composure not to break down.
I then decided I was going to have an early night (which is unusual for me) at around 9 pm and took my sleeping tablet and what would normally knock me out within half an hour, I found I was still wide awake 6 hours later, thinking about him and listening to ‘Stevie Wonder’ his favorite recording artist with tears streaming down my face.
I played a few songs he used to play to me “I Just Called To Say I Love You” whenever he was out on the road in the early days of our relationship, and “Yester Me -Yester You”. Plus one other song I had dedicated to him and played it to him as it reminded me of him (Heaven Must Have Sent You -The Elgins). I will add the songs to the end of this post.
He was a true gentleman through and through and at the beginning of our relationship up until we got married in 1998 for the first five years (1993 to 1998), he would give me flowers week in week out without fail.
After we got married. things changed and our marriage went pear shaped.
I will try not to say too much on here right now but he was my best friend and he was my knight in shining armor which I will mention in my book.
I never imagined I would never have the opportunity to speak to him again. I had hidden away from him and did not want to be found because I thought why should he know about my life when he was not in it and now as it is my master plan backfired as I have come to realize it is now too late to turn back the clock.
Things could have turned out so differently had we have tried to salvage our marriage, although the health issues that he had, the ending would have still been the same.
With grief, it is good to keep the memory going and keep talking about the person as if they have never left.
For me writing down fond memories will be a constant reminder of people who have gone away.
My book makes reference to everyone that I lost through death and from relationship breakups. Grief is not just about death it could be a broken-down marriage. Grief is the feeling of having no control and that nothing you can do or say can change things. Grief is the end of life or the end of a relationship it is final.
I have so many unanswered questions and hopefully, one day I may get to learn the answers to them. I hope if his family read this they will know I did care. In fact, I never stopped.
One of the most frustrating experiences is having to wait. We wait to catch a bus or train. We wait in traffic jams. We wait at the doctor’s surgeries or job interviews. We wait at the car mechanic garages. We wait, and wait and wait some more.
However, people who have anxiety find waiting to be very overwhelming. An example of this is waiting for the phone to ring, waiting for a text message, or waiting for someone to arrive.
One needs patience to wait. One need s to have a high tolerance threshold and people who suffer from anxiety and depression do experience short fuses. Waiting for an answer, feeling uncertain and insecure, and not having any confidence are all contributing factors to having anxiety that can feel like torture.
For me as an example on the 1st of this month gone, I get a text message from my landlord that he wants to call round to sign a new tenancy agreement, even though I had already told him I was feeling unwell and was not up to visitors, even going as far as sending him to free digital signature software to sign documents online. Anyway, he insists he wants to do this face to face, even though I want as little human interaction as possible in which he is oblivious to my request and it has simply gone over his head. So the text message said he will be calling around and I replied he needed to give me some notice and now everything has gone silent….
I just want it over and done with and do not want it hanging over my head. I do not want to see him and the anxiety of the anticipation of his arrival is driving me crazy, not only that he is bringing someone with him as a witness, so even more human interaction.
Many people lose their patience, become bored, anxious, and angry. I personally am fuming. Not only has he increased my rent he also wants to be demanding and turn up even though I have told him I am unwell.
The amount of time that passes while waiting is often a matter of perception. One of the factors that can make a wait feel endless is awareness of time. A minute can feel like a second or vice versa if you are anxious it can feel like an eternity. If you have ever watched the clock timer on a microwave count down, you can see how time drags.
If waiting is partly a matter of perception, there are things you can do to make the time go faster.
1. If you know you have to wait at a bus or train station bring something with you to occupy your mind. This can be a book and iPad or knitting. This type of distraction will help and make you feel less likely to feel bored and restless and agitated.
2. If you are stuck in a traffic jam, listen to music or the news while keeping an eye on the road. Music helps to calm you down and soothe your emotions.
3. Standing in line in a queue before social distancing one could start small talk and chat with the next person, but with the pandemic regulations it has become more difficult and one needs to have patience in slow-moving lines at the post office or bank. The best way now to pass the time is to go on your phone (providing you have a smartphone).
4. Practicing deep breathing and muscle relaxation exercises, (these can be done without attracting attention), can relieve a lot of anxiety and stress and improve self-control. This can be done indoors and outdoors and I am finding I am taking a leaf out of my book with this as I really want to pick up the phone to my landlord and yell profanities.
Obviously, in the ideal world, you should not become enraged. However, people who have mental health issues such as I find it hard to control their anger. Getting mad only makes matters worse and I have no choice but to ride the tide. Getting angry will not speed up time and will only result in raised blood pressure, ulcers, and, ultimately, heart disease and even worse a heart attack.
For me venting my anger out via my blogs helps to ground me and get things off my chest.
What is your way of dealing with waiting and do you have patience and how do you cope?
Resentment (also called ranklement or bitterness) is a multilayered complex of emotions that collectively are the feeling of disappointment, disgust, anger, and fear. Psychologists have come to the conclusion that it is a mood or a secondary emotion (including cognitive elements) that can be elicited in the face of insult and/or injury. It is a generalized defense mechanism against unfair situations or incidents.
Resentment is a festering feeling of bitterness and anger. Have you ever had the feeling that lingers in the back of your mind how something or someone has done you wrong and you cannot forgive or forget?
In my lifetime especially in the last 30 years, I have had a build-up of resentment to individuals and institutions that has manifested in bulk. As time goes on and more incidents happen because of a domino effect the more rage I have which then festers.
The fire is not full-blown flames but more a smoldering ember that remains hot and could reignite at any time.
I won’t bore you with all the details but I have had one particular person asked me about six months after my mother’s death where I was not thinking properly “how long do I expect to grieve“? Fifteen years later I am still grieving and the said individual who said this I hope they rot in hell for being so uncaring and shallow. Granted the circumstances of this particular incident could have been handled better by me but I was not in the right frame of mind to execute any plans as I was trying to cope with grief. Then two years ago I was traumatized by another person (no relation to me but someone of authority trying to mock my disability (PIP)again this will all be revealed in my book.
Moving on to the present time another person is on my radar that is a leech stuck to my daughter. I disapprove of him and no matter if he jumped through hoops I would still resent him because I believe the feeling is mutual and he is doing everything to drive a wedge between my daughter and I.
I believe the only way you can hurt a person is through their pocket. There is a saying “he who laughs last, laughs the longest”. Watch how I do not support my daughter financially if she chooses this person. Why should he benefit from my hard-earned money? Why should he get a penny from me?
The same goes for my deceased brother’s partner who inherited the whole of his estate after he passed away. Why should I give her the time of day when the sheer greed of her wealth has made her think she is another league to me.
I have a lot of resentment towards her for dumping my brother’s ashes out in the middle of nowhere which once belonged to the Woodland Trust but now is private land with no way of paying my respects even if I wanted to as I could be done for trespassing, not only that it is virtually impossible to reach and for claiming every last penny of a pension that a company reached out to me initially for. I have resentment towards her when I was in a very abusive relationship and asked her if I could come and stay at hers and she then went off the radar never to phone or text to see how I was.
Sure some people find it is awkward if someone asks them for help but if they are decent human beings they will help and not turn their back on a person.
I have no respect for her and I hope that her wealth is short-lived and only brings her more unhappiness. The domino effect is she has moved another man into what was my brother’s house and this man is living off the aftermath of my brother’s death.
The domino effect was my brother having his contract not renewed by a luxury car manufacturer which caused my brother to go to Ecuador to save the rain forest but unfortunately could not save himself. Had the car manufacturer kept him on he would most probably be alive today.
The other domino effect was if my brother’s partner had helped out when I went to her for help I would not have had my ribs broken, my knee dislocated and chemicals sprayed into my eyes, never mind the long list of other things that I have suppressed.
The domino effect for my daughter not being offered a place in her first choice of University because of the stress can cause her to have an MS relapse.
There should be a domino effect law with consequences if things go wrong.
The domino effect of my landlord not hardwiring his electrical points causing me to cook with Gas rather than Electric. The domino effect of my landlord does not double glazing my flat causing my money to filter through the single glazed windows allowing draughts and me to feel extremely cold in the winter months. The domino effect of me feeling extremely stressed because of his actions.
I believe in helping people, if you cannot help because you don’t want to, you are not a decent human being. Helping does not have to be materialistic or physical it could be guidance, advice, and support.
I also resent people in power demanding extortionate amounts of money to survive whilst the rest of the world has to struggle to make ends meet.
Do people that think they are better than you s@#t gold or p@# champagne? Is their blood any different from ours? They still have to do all the same things we do, like eat, sleep, go to the bathroom, work and breathe the same air. Just because you have a high-powered job or have a title does not make you any better, you are still a human being at the end of the day.
Here are 5 steps to release and let go of resentment:
Confront your resentment
Find ways to overcome your resentment
Try to forgive
Be grateful for what you have and not what you have lost
Note From the Editor
For me, I might find peace to a certain degree but I will never forgive and will never forget. There is a saying “hell hath no fury as a woman scorned“.
People may say I hold grudges, my answer to that is I move on from the ordeal and do not dwell or hold grudges, but learn from them and will never forget and will not forgive. If someone is looking for forgiveness they should turn to the lord (if you believe) and not to me. People only have one chance to redeem themselves. One cannot repeat the same mistakes over and over. You are either a Hollywood friend or a true friend and I am now an expert at reading people, hence I keep my distance.
Emotional Distress. Keeping a diary of your medical condition.
By logging down your good days and bad will give your GP or Specialist a more indepth understanding of your day to day problems.
For me most days are the same but some days are severe.
Today is one of those days.
I actually started this post a few days ago and left it as a draft but my mental health is really taking its toll. For example, I heard my ex-husband is in hospital after suffering a heart attack and has other complications such as lupus and cancer. The last time we spoke was 14 years ago and I felt I had been hit by a truck receiving the news today that he was in ICU in an induced coma and is now in a high dependency ward.
To say that this is a shock is an understatement and there are some people in the family I have reached out to.
I know that our divorce was nasty but there is an element of me that still cares.
I hope he recovers and I will get an update on the weekend but for now my mental health is on another level.
Emotional Distress By One of the Culprits (My Landlord)
Not only that my landlord is playing mind games with me. He sends me an email saying he is extending my contract for another 3 years and has drawn up an agreement (by coincidence on the same day I paid him the increased amount of money), for me to sign but he will not do a digital signature and is insisting he needs to see me. A week after his email I get a text that he will be visiting me today and so far he has not called round or text me. This is causing me no end of anxiety as I need him calling round like I need a hole in my head.
I have a problem with social disconnection and do not want to be around people.
I have explained this in my email and told him due to Covid my business has suffered plus other factors which I said etcetera but what I really meant was him increasing my rent causing me to have severe depression and stress. Yet he seems to be oblivious to the fact I am unwell.
If there are any monsters in this world its the people that show no empathy and only think about themselves.
I have recently found out you can sue people that have caused you distress. You obviously need proof of the distress, anxiety, stress, and depression this person has bestowed on you. My evidence is me publically documenting everyone that has caused me harm. You will have to show medical evidence and have witnesses to prove your case. You can claim for the emotional distress the discrimination has caused you – this is called ‘injury to feelings. You‘ll need to say how the discrimination made you feel.
The courts recognize emotional distress as a type of damage that can be recovered through a civil lawsuit. This means you can sue someone for emotional trauma or distress if you can provide evidence to support your claims.
It has been 17 years since my father passed away and 14 years since my mother departed. On top of losing my parents, I lost my brother 11 years ago.
The grieving process has left me bitter and angry inside. Why did half my family die? Why could it not have been someone else’s family instead?
The grieving process is no just about people dying it could be a relationship breakup that can leave devasting effects on a person’s mental state of mind.
I have had my fair share of heartaches but nothing beats the death of a relative or partner. With death you cannot check a social media platform to see what the person is up to, you cannot pick up the phone and have a chat. Death is final, there is no communication beyond the grave. You end up feeling robbed and cheated, you feel empty and life feels pointless. You may even become angry and hostile. People move on from grief by re-adapting their lives and filling the empty void with other routines. People may find meeting new people can help.
For me I do not socialize, I do not want to for several reasons, one is because I am busy with work and do not have the time and secondly my OCD is another significant factor. The way I see it spending a couple of hours socializing I could be using that time more pro-actively. Guaranteed every one you socialize with if you asked them to give you, not lend you £20, I bet none of them would, but they would be happy to squander your precious time. Not everyone thinks like me and my time is the difference between bringing food to the table and making something of my life to which my dearly departed would be proud of me for.
Do I believe in life after death? I have mixed emotions, I think our souls depart and manifest their energy in another form. Do I believe in the paranormal? I believe possibly that our souls can get trapped and cling to things and do not like letting go, hence people see apparitions.
They say time is a healer. Time may ease the grief and it will not get rid of the memories or the feelings of the inner pain you have in your soul.
I was once asked by a government official how long will it take me to stop grieving. He challenged my grief and I felt his remark cold and cutting it was like him driving a knife through a fresh open wound. I immediately had intense hatred towards this person and to this day I have never forgotten his name (J.M), and one day when I am ready for what it is worth I will send him my book and he will never be able to erase the words he said. One day he too will suffer loss and grieve and it will be my turn to ask him what does it feel like when the shoe is on the other foot. If he or anyone else asked me the same question 14 years later I would still be saying it is as fresh in my mind as it ever was and I am still grieving and have never stopped.
The heaviness in your heart lessens to a certain degree over time but it will never go away. You still have the feeling that you have been robbed and violated because you cannot ever see that person again or speak or touch them. You end up feeling angry and may no longer feel empathetic as you once did. Your tolerance levels are put to the test and you have to learn over again that you still have to be there for the people that matter, so your feelings have the be re-adjusted.
In my opinion, it is good to keep the memory alive of the loss of your loved one by reminiscing about the good old day and setting anniversaries. It is wrong to never mention the person again. I have all my departed souls in photos around me and when I am really sad I can look at them and tell them how I am feeling through my inner thoughts.
Time allows us to learn to cope. Everyone’s routine consumes our lives with challenges in different ways and we have to deal with problems that can override the feelings we have of dispair.
As our lives get busier and we do not have time to wallow in our self-pity, therefore what was the only thing that was on our mind of the loss of a loved one is no longer the number one priority and our thoughts end up on the back burner to re-surface when we have time to reflect on times gone by.
For me, I have learned to cope, I have my own unique routine and always keep myself busy so that I do not have time to dwell on what has happened in my life. I cannot allow that feeling to control me and although my anguish and dispair could easily rear its ugly head at any time I am able to suppress my thoughts, with my medication, and also my mission in life. I have set myself goals and I intend to achieve them with determination, with nothing standing in my way.
If you were to ask me how I feel towards people and life without my loved ones around, I can say hand on heart the only thing that is keeping me going is the goals I am trying to achieve and seeing my daughter graduate and make a good start in her life. Nothing else matters, no person and no materialistic object. I am on a mission to fulfill my legacy and my inner thoughts will be hidden until one day when I am ready to reveal them all in my autobiography I am writing.
I tolerate life. I know I have to secure my daughter’s future as she too will grieve my loss of losing me one day, so I have a master plan to leave her a legacy she will be proud and honored to remember. My way of coping is to not give up on life but to carry on even though it may increase my Anxiety, Stress & OCD levels more, I still muster the courage to plod on.
My family and my work are the only things that drives me.
Grief can lead to Trauma, PTSD, depression, anxiety, and other mental health issues such as OCD. It is nature’s way of coping.
I do not give medical advice and if you are experiencing grief and other symptoms you must seek help from a professional, e.g. first stop, your local GP.
I have also updated the Disclaimer Page & added a Networking Page under the heading Legal Pages, this is to let viewers know that the owner of this site uses a SEO Link Wheels to generate traffic and that all the Websites and Blogs are all under one umbrella belonging to Renata M Barnes (UK Website Designers) You will see the credit in the footer of all the websites I own and also manage for other clients.
Moving on I have also started to intergrate video marketing into my services. This is a useful tool to attract business and I am now offering it to my clients. You can view a the portfolio of Videos here.
As for my health it is starting to deteriorate as the pressures and daily stresses of life can sometimes be overwhelming. I am fighting hard for it not to beat me but when my own health professionals are working against me rather than for me it can be too much to bear…….I will explain.
Not only am I disabled I also have a disabled daughter that I am officially a carer for, so when I see red flags I tend to question things as in the case of my GP who threatens you if you make waves. Read the latest on this Surgery that has brought me to breaking point: https://marketingagency.cymrumarketing.com/category/bayer-pharmaceutical/ All I was doing was voicing my concerns as my daughter is classed as a vulnerable person and I was told I lack respect to the highly qualified pharmacist and clinician at the surgery and was told that seeing there is a breakdown of doctor/patient relationship it would be in my best interest to find another surgery.
“I am really struggling with my health and have developed social disconnection disorderand have a fear of venturing out. The less face to face human interaction I have, the happier I feel”. I have been hurt too many times to care to mention and the people I trusted the most betrayed me. In my lifetime I have experienced discrimination, racial attacks, have been abused physically and mentally and have been physically assaulted, disrespected, undermined, critised, judged, belittled, robbed, have felt sadness, dispair and dealt with grief. All these things are contributing factors to my mental disability, which has been caused by other people and entities.There is no denying my mental health is due to a domino effect caused by direct consequences to other peoples actions.
It is because of certain individuals and certain events that I am this way. I am 58 yrs old and have met my fair share of people over the years and I can count on my one hand how many people I can trust. I can also name each and every single person and entity responsible for my ill health and the reasons why.
Some cope by turning to drinking alcohol or taking recreational drugs. People smoke cigarettes claiming it calms their nerves, I do not smoke cigarettes, do not drink alcohol or take recreational drugs but depend on the prescription medication that are prescribed for me. Everyone has different ways with coping with stress, trauma and life events, mine is documenting everything (therapeutic) and adapting around my disabilities aswell as trying to help others.
I also cancelled my Covid-19 Vaccine appointment as I have a severe anaphylaxis allergy to PEG where I was vaccinated with steriod in the past which had polythylene glycol in fact over the years I have had many anaphlaxis allergies including severe breathing difficulties from penicillin and severe skin allergy where my face looked reptilian and I was in excrutiating pain, all of which is on my medical records. https://marketingagency.cymrumarketing.com/2021/03/19/polyethylene-glycol-peg-allergy-as-a-cause-of-anaphylaxis/ I am not prepared to take any risks with my life or become more ill than I already am. At least with my OCD, Depression I can manage my life to a certain degree and can work around my disabilities. But being off work fully is inconceivable and is something I cannot do as I have obligations to my clients.
I have to be online every single day, imagine being too ill to work what would happen to your business if you had no one to help you? Your clients are not going to say “ok call us when you feel better”, the food chain still has to carry on. I have heard the second vaccine is worse the the first but I am waiting on herd immunity to kick in as I do not plan venturing out any time soon.
I would not describe myself as a hypochondriac as all my disabilities are medically documented. I try not to think about illnesses unless it is affecting me directly and at any given time. I try to actually block out my disabilities and try to live a relatively normal life to a certain degree (although there is nothing normal about me). The world on the internet is not going to know about my disabilities unless they bother to do some research about me, so me sitting in front of a computer screen I am as normal as the next person.
I cannot be critised for having no empathy. I will help people in need but will never make it personal. If someone needs me to lend them my ear or a shoulder I will try and help.
To be frank I have coped better than most during the Covid-19 Lockdown. My business has improved as people have turned to the internet for a second income stream. Where I had issues about people bumping into you and not looking where they where going in the past, it is as if the heavens have opened up and had everyone stay 2 metres apart (not that I go out anywhere though).
Wearing disposable latex gloves is no longer questionable and I do not feel the odd one out anymore.
I do miss going out once a month with my daughter when she and I used to go up to the hospital for her to have her monthly blood done and then we would go to a restaurant in the city centre. I won’t say I will never go again as they say “never say never”, but it is going to take me a long time to adjust to the new surroundings and facing people at the moment is really causing me distress. I am fine with the grocery and courier drivers but that is as far as I am willing to interact physically with other people other than my family.
“I do have a goal and that is to make enough money for me to retire comfortably and for my daughter to have a head start in life. My priority is my family and my business and nothing else”.
I won’t let this general practice surgery beat me. I have a long list of people I can complain to.
Coping With Mental Health in General.
Take time out to have some TLC. Do something that will make you happy and relaxed. Try to occupy you mond with something else other than what is worrying you.
If you work for a company see if they have an HR department that deals with mental health. If not suggest that they do have a department and volunteer to be a spokesperson, you will no longer be seen as a follower and more so as a leader. Every business no matter how big or small should have some sort of department to air your worries and anxieties and perhaps meet up once a week to just chat. However if you find that there is no such option and you have had no alternative to tell your employer, he/she has a responsibility under Equalities Act to be obliging and to accommodate you and your condition if it is considered a long term affliction. You may not be the only one that is suffering so considering starting a club even after work can make all the difference.
Stay focused it is easy to just to clock watch until the hour hand hits 5 o’clock but that does not help you or your employer hence you need to set goals and try to make some progress on a daily basis. You should concentrate on the work in hand but at the same time consider starting a second income stream and do research and learn. Reading helps people to stay motivated and empowers them to learn a new skill. This skill could help your employer or can help you to break away and go it alone.
Do not over critisie yourself, if things are not going your way, tomorrow is another day. Accepting the fact that we all experience good days and bad days is just a way of life and we need to learn to overcome obstacles that come our way. For me venting my anxiety, anger and frustration online is therapeutical. I know some one will read it and will relate. I also think that what I write could actually help someone other than myself.
The impact of problems such as depression and anxiety are unique and individual to each and every one of us and how we cope with them and different situations of life is equally as individual. Above I have merely mentioned some advice on dealing with issues of mental health in the workplace, but speaking to your GP and building a network of support are arguably the most important steps you can take in your recovery. For me I personally will not be relating my anxieties any time soon to my GP if I still have one, as it is practice management that you tell the reception first what is wrong with you, what ever happend to GDPR and not sharing the information with anyone other than your doctor. According to an inspection report that I downloaded on another post I made https://marketingagency.cymrumarketing.com/2021/03/30/gp-surgeries-are-small-businesses/ the receptionists have to sign a non disclosure agreement. This is hog wash if they wish to talk about you without actually mentioning you name.
Just because I have a mental health disability does not make me less of a person. My disability does not define me and make me less intelligent, in fact on the contrary my disability is my ‘Super Power’ and although it comes with challenges it gives me strength and purpose to carry on and help motivate and empower others that having a disability is not the end of the world and you can still achieve your aspirationsand all you need is a gentle push.Never let some tell you it cannot be done or it is impossible for you to achieve, listen to your heart and not what others tell you. Do not listen to naysayers.
My Super Power is everytime anyone disrespects me, tries to undermined me or do other atrocities I will write about them. Anyone throwing obstactles in my way, making my life difficult or miserable, I will document. Everytime anyone tries to do anything to hurt me I will hit the keyboard. The same goes if I see anyone being treated unfairly, the perpetrator will feel my Super Power.
Whats your super power? Mine is exercising my journalist skills!
If you want to talk to just drop me a line, I am happy to chat to you online or send emails. Although I do not do face to face meetings I am happy to help anyone who is feeling distressed. Just because I have difficulty interacting physically does not mean I have a problem interacting virtually. Remember a problem shared is a problem halved. If you have a network of people you can rely on then that is fine, but if you don’t there are many organisation out there that can help and I also can lend an ear or shoulder to cry on or send virtual hugs.
Narcissism is a PERSONALITY DISORDER, it is defined by the pursuit of POWER wanting other people to see you as IMPORTANT. Seeking gratification for everything you do including ooking for COMPLIMENTS AND ADMIRATION from a personal self-image to being RECOGNISED for the things you may do. It is the feeling that you love yourself so much that you expect others to love you too and in the same way. A Narcissitic person wants to be NO 1 in everything they do and wants CONTROL of his/her surroundings. The term originated from Greek mythology, where a young man named Narcissus fell in love with his own image reflected in a pool of water.
Todays post was prompted by a comment that was made on another post which got me thinking I should write about Narcissism as this has affected me personally and over the years I tried to evaluate this particular individual that essentially tried to control me.
At first this person who will remain nameless for now was introduced to me by a friend. My first impressions was I did not like him, call it a gut feeling if you will. However it was at the time where I was feeling alone and wanting deperately, someone, anyone to comfort me as I had lost both my parents in a short space of time. It was after several meetings through my social circles I had, I met this person again.
The first time I met him he was very drunk and the times after that he was sober but it was a favour for a friend I ended up meeting him alone (Jan 2010 – all will be revealed in my book). Pleasantly surprised, I found him charming and funny and thought perhaps I had read him wrong and gave him another chance.
It was not long after we started dating and being extremely naive at the time it did not cross my mind that he was interested in me as I had inherited a lot of money. However tragedy struck again within a month of me dating him when I lost my brother.
I felt my life was falling apart and needed someone to help me hold it together.
Obviously being fairly well off I was able to fund holidays abroad and it was most probably four months into our relationship I experienced the first outburst. I brushed it off as I thought maybe he was having an off day as most people do not see eye to eye at some point in their relationship and I just thought it was a one off incident.
He showed no signs of being narcissistic until most probably a year later where he would start to question everything I did and who I was with and the first serious incident was when he sprayed an concoction of chemicals in my eyes and temporarily blinded me.
I will be the first person to admit I was very stupid with what played out after, as I refused to press charges against him. I thought I could reason with him, CHANGE HIM and make him learn from his mistakes, I even suggested therapy, how wrong was I, as it was three year after the first major incident he struck again this time kicking my knee seven times until it dislocated and to this day I now have problems with it and will have to have an operation to have it fixed. I even tried analysing his background as I noticed people in his birthplace very abusive to their partners which made think this is their way of life. His mother even admitted to being abusive to her disabled husband when he was alive, so it could even be a trait copied from his mother.
Obviously he did other things in between these incidents, in which it is all now very difficult to recall and buried deep, but I have logged all the evidence as the incidents occurred at the time, just to protect myself.
What did I learn from this:
Never trust anyone implicitly.
Do not believe you can change a person because you can’t.
The first signs of any abuse find a way to end the relationship.
Have an escape plan.
Tell everyone, friends and family about this person.
Isolate yourself from this person. Have an escape plan.
Know the signs especially if the perpetrator shows no empathy.
Do not make excuses for the narcissist, do not make excuses to yourself saying this was a one off incident or the person will change, because they won’t.
Recognise all the traits.
Empower yourself with confidence and start to love yourself again.
For me I have not really reflected on how I have felt as I buried it under tonnes of work and have always kept myself busy in order not to think and dwell on the past. The past is history and if anything it tought me a life lesson in which I can safetly say I will never be in the same situation again and can forewarn others through my own personal experience. I was stupid and naive to put up with all the BS and all the abuse I endured, I was in a viscious cycle everytime time something happened I would say to myself next time it will not happen but next time alway did. Eventually one day I said enough is enough and have not looked back since. Kicking my knee was what broke the camel’s back so to speak and I was lucky as it could have been a totally different story.
The traits to look out for are:
Lack of Empathy. “The inability to identify with or recognise the experiences and feelings of other people. Everything is about them and belongs to them,”. When I asked the perpertrator to explain why he did the things that he did, he could not give me an answer, did not show guilt or remorse and was unapologetic.
Manipulation. The ability to twist the situation to better suit their narrative is a poignant personality trait that all egotistical people possess. The perpertrator managed to always blame me for everything that he was not happy with. He would judge me all the time.
Projection. Projection is a defence or an unconscious pattern that occurs when the person feels psychologically threatened, they will then accuse you of doing something to throw the linelight off themselves, a good example is the person who is cheating accuses his partner of cheating. He used to always accuse me of being unfaithful.
Emotionally cold. I said earlier in a reponse to a comment that I was cold as ice, but what I failed to say I also have empathy, I do have feelings and I know when I am wrong. My life experience has made more thick skinned and if say someone critises me I just take that as their own opinion. Theres a saying “what does not kill you makes you stronger”. An emotionally cold or distant trait normally surfaces during arguments when one person is experiencing and expressing significant emotion and the narcissistic person just lets your emotions go over his/her head and does not respond, giving you a cold shoulder. This essentially makes you feel alone and unloved.
Gaslighting. Doing things deliberately in order to question yourself, whilst taking the onus off themselves. Gaslighting term first arose from the 1930’s play Gas Light, where a husband, in an attempt to drive his wife crazy, kept turning down the gas-powered lights in the house. When the wife asked why he is dimming the lights, he denied it and said they were no dimmer. Over time the wife would start to question herself and eventually found herself going mad. “Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse that involves denying a person’s experience and making statements, such as ‘that never happened’ or ‘you are too sensitive”,
Never Taking Responsibility. Knowing when you are wrong and admitting to your wrong doings or flaws makes us the bigger person, however with narcissists it is the polar opposite. A narcissist is a master of his/her own illusion and will try to avoid the blame with lying, cheating etc. A narcissist will make up complex excuses and rationalise anything, just so that they are left to blame.
Controlling. The definition of controlling partner means that in most common manifestations of their relationship the narcissist will monitor your whereabouts at all times, checking your emails and text messages, criticising your appearance, and making nearly all important decisions, with little regard for your opinion. In my case not matter have immaculately I dressed and kept my appearance I was always critised and called names. I had my phone taken off me (If I did not give him what he wanted I would get physically abused) and he would post and invite his ex girlfriends onto my Facebook. He would check to see who I was meeting and check my text messages.
Grandiose. Grandiosity is a pattern in which a person tends to exaggerate accomplishments, talents, connections, and experiences. In the case of my abuser he told tails about his past life but I never really believed in anything he said. The narcissist usually do not have to be real experiences, grandiose people tend to maintain over-the-top fantasy worlds. Grandiosity can also be manifested by a sense of self-importance, a belief that their existence is bigger and more important than anyone else’s and certainly more important than yours.
Panic. A narcisist will panic if you threaten to break up or leave them, ss soon as you back away, a narcissist will try that much harder to keep you in their lives. They will do everything and anything to shower you with affection, they will say all the right things to make you think they have changed so that you never leave them and the cycle continues round and round until oneday day you say enough is enough.
Mentally & Physically Abusive. Aswell as playing mind games a narcissist may also become physically violent in order to have control over you. When this happens do not hang around and have an exit plan to get away. In my case I stopped my abuser visiting me and changed the locks, I also showed him all the evidence I have collated and what I will do with it should he ever try to come near me again. So far touch wood it has worked. If you live with your abuser you must make an exit plan where you can grab a bag and run. Make a list of people you can confide in, set up secret codes. Fill your bag with important documents passports, money etc. Just take the essentials so that you can escape to somewhere safe. Or wait for them to leave and change the locks and call the police. For me my abuser is out of my life and I have seen he has moved on as he is in a relationship with someone else, which means he no longer has any use for me.
A narcissist will only move on when they find someone else they can prey on.
That is why narcissists are not loyal and are more likely to play the field. A narcissist can never find love as they are never satisfied with what they have and will always be looking for something better.
This post is a mixture of two posts rolled into one (no pun intended).
The First Being Logistics.
The Second About Disabilities.
History of Royal Mail was originally established in 1516 as a department of the by the Royal Family. The company’s subsidiary company Royal Mail Group Limited which operates the brands Royal Mail (letters) and Parcelforce Worldwide (parcels).
The company provides mail collection and delivery services throughout the UK and is now a private company after it’s shares where floated on the stock exchange in 2015.
Now my grievance is that such a big company has no online chat and if one wanted to lodge a complaint this is what they say “We are currently experiencing very high call volumes”, this tells me their service is not up to scratch and they have not employed enough people to deal with the demand and are delivering a poor service. The reponse time is between 10 and 35 days.
For people with mental health an immune disorders this is absoulutely inacceptable.
Employ more staff or give up your yearly bonuses and have a cut in salary meaning salaries from the top and that way you will be able to afford to employ more people.
Just because you are a PLC company there have been many before you which have tried and failed in our current climate with businesses going bust left right and centre.
You have to stay ahead of your competion, you need to dig deep into your pockets to survive.
Furthermore their website is not straight forward to navigate and I should know as I build websites.
“There should be no room for error”.
Any decent company should have online chat.
So this is the domino effect of a company simply not doing their jobs properly as I will explain:
Two parcels were sent on the 12/01/21 from the same Royal Mail Post Office, one to ‘Amazon’ and the other to ‘Pretty Little Thing’. The Amazon notification came within 24 hours and refund within 48 hours but for ‘Pretty Little Thing’ the parcel is still in the sorting office even though ‘Royal Mail’ aim to deliver in one working day.
Now considering there is a time frame for when things can be returned and my daughters return date is bordering on the deadline, you would think they would speed things along.
My daughter who suffers with Multiple Scleroris is on the verge of having a relapse because of ‘Royal Mail’.
Multiple Sclerosis can leave a person wheelchair or bed bound, so as her carer I think it is only right to ruffle a few feathers.
To think before Christmas someone refused to use Royal Mail to send a fragile gift and I tried defending the company I now have egg on my face, so has my daugher.
Unless the company can up with a quick plan of action I will not be saying a good word about this company.
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