Dealing With Guilt, Regret & Grief
Grief is a powerful force, but it’s often the guilt and regret that linger in the shadows, slowly eating away at our sense of peace. Losing someone can bring to the surface feelings that we’d rather not face—memories of what we didn’t do, words we didn’t say, and actions we wish we could take back.
For nearly two decades, I have wrestled with these feelings. I regret not moving back home permanently to be with my mother after my father passed away. Living 200 miles away, I tried to carry on with life, but in the back of my mind, I knew she was alone. I should have understood the loneliness she must have felt, but I didn’t—at least, not until it was too late. Even now, that guilt weighs on me.
Then there’s the regret over not being more present for my mother’s best friend, who was like family to us. She had been diagnosed with cancer, was elderly, and hard of hearing. I often felt I couldn’t properly communicate with her, and as time went on, my phone calls dwindled. What had started as weekly check-ins became monthly, then annual, until one day, they stopped almost entirely. When I last spoke to her, she told me she just wanted to die. Two weeks later, after being moved to a care home, she passed away. I didn’t reach out to her family when I should have. Now, she’s being buried on September 20th, 2024, and yet something within me is holding me back from interacting with her loved ones, possibly due to the deep guilt I feel for not being there in her final months.
These thoughts haunt me, and my struggles with mental health compound them. When I’m overwhelmed by these emotions, my instinct is to shut off—from both the physical and virtual worlds. It feels like a form of self-preservation, a way to shield myself from confronting the pain and regret head-on.
In my defense, the reason I stopped phoning my mother’s best friend was that every conversation reminded me too much of my mother. While I never wanted to forget her, the constant reliving of those memories became incredibly hard to bear. The regret and guilt weighed heavily on me, and the fact that my mother’s best friend had cancer made it even worse. I simply couldn’t cope with her suffering—I felt helpless, knowing I couldn’t stop her illness or make her better. Deep down, I knew there would only be one outcome, and the thought of facing yet another loss was more than I could handle.
For those like me who have been carrying the weight of regret and guilt for so long, it’s important to recognize that grief never fully goes away. It changes shape, but it doesn’t disappear. That’s the reality of loss. But what we can do is learn to deal with it in healthier ways. Guilt and regret can easily lead us down a destructive path, where we constantly beat ourselves up over things we cannot change.
Moving Forward
So, how do we move forward? For me, it’s a process that involves acceptance and forgiveness. Not just forgiving others but forgiving ourselves. I can’t go back and move in with my mother, just as I can’t call up my mother’s best friend and make amends for the missed conversations. What I can do, though, is honor their memories by being kind to myself, recognizing the good I did, and using that as a foundation to move forward.
Finding ways to stay connected is important, even if grief or guilt urges us to shut down. It might mean reaching out to people we’ve lost touch with or participating in ceremonies, even if it’s difficult. Though I may feel hesitant to interact with my mother’s friend’s family right now, I know deep down that avoiding them won’t bring me peace.
For those of you going through similar feelings, take it from someone who’s been wrestling with these emotions for years: You’re not alone, and it’s okay to feel everything you’re feeling. But don’t let it consume you. Grief is a long journey, but it doesn’t have to be one of constant self-punishment. We reserve the space to heal, to forgive ourselves, and to honor the memory of those we’ve lost—not through guilt, but through love and understanding.
How to Make Things Better When Forgiveness and Time Don’t Heal: Steps to Mend What’s Broken
We’ve all heard the saying, “Time heals all wounds,” and that forgiveness is the key to moving forward. But what happens when time doesn’t bring peace, and forgiveness feels incomplete? Sometimes, even when we do all the “right” things, the sense of guilt, regret, or pain lingers. When this happens, it’s important to take action beyond waiting and hoping for things to get better on their own.
Here are some tangible steps you can take to make amends when forgiveness and time haven’t fully done their job.
1. Acknowledge the Pain Honestly
The first step to making amends with yourself or others is to acknowledge the pain. Often, we try to sweep our feelings under the rug, believing that if we just move on, everything will be fine. But unaddressed feelings have a way of bubbling up when we least expect them. Take the time to reflect on what’s really bothering you. Write it down, talk it out, or meditate on it—whatever helps you confront it head-on.
2. Take Responsibility
If you feel you’ve wronged someone, or even yourself, owning up to it is crucial. This isn’t about self-punishment, but about acknowledging the role you played in the situation. Taking responsibility allows you to stop shifting blame and focus on what can be done moving forward.
3. Reach Out and Communicate
One of the most powerful things you can do is reach out to the person you feel you’ve wronged, if possible. Sometimes, relationships fall apart because of a lack of communication. An honest conversation where you express your feelings of guilt and regret can be incredibly healing. Apologize sincerely, but don’t expect forgiveness. Simply opening the door for dialogue can make a difference, even if the relationship cannot be fully restored.
If the person has passed away or you can’t communicate with them, try writing a letter to them. This allows you to express your feelings without fear of judgment and may give you a sense of release.
4. Do Something Tangible in Their Honor
If the person is no longer around to make amends with, consider doing something in their honor. Whether it’s donating to a cause they cared about, planting a tree, or creating something meaningful, taking an action that honors their memory can help you feel like you’ve contributed positively to their legacy. This not only helps to mend some of the emotional wounds but can also provide a sense of closure.
5. Engage in Acts of Kindness
Channel your regret into positive actions. Volunteering, helping others, or even performing small acts of kindness can give you a sense of purpose and redemption. Making someone else’s day better can help shift your mindset away from regret and towards healing. Sometimes, making amends doesn’t involve fixing the past but creating a better future.
6. Focus on Self-Compassion
If forgiveness from others isn’t forthcoming, or if you find it hard to forgive yourself, self-compassion is critical. We’re all human, and humans make mistakes. Beating yourself up won’t fix anything; instead, try to treat yourself with the kindness you’d extend to a close friend. Practice self-care, whether through meditation, therapy, journaling, or simply giving yourself the grace to feel your emotions without judgment.
7. Create a New Tradition or Ritual
Rituals can be powerful tools for healing. If you can’t change the past, create a new tradition that helps you honor the relationship or experience positively. Whether it’s lighting a candle on a specific date, visiting a special place, or simply taking a moment of silence in remembrance, creating a personal ritual can help you connect with your emotions and find a sense of peace.
8. Learn and Grow from the Experience
Every difficult experience comes with a lesson, and sometimes the best way to make amends is to learn from your mistakes. Reflect on what went wrong, and how you could have handled things differently, and apply that knowledge moving forward. This could mean being more present in relationships, communicating better, or prioritizing the things that truly matter in life. Growth is a form of redemption in itself.
9. Seek Professional Help
Sometimes, feelings of guilt, regret, and grief can become overwhelming and too difficult to navigate on your own. If you find yourself stuck in a cycle of self-blame, consider seeking professional help. Therapy can provide valuable tools and insights for working through complicated emotions, and sometimes just talking to someone impartial can bring about new perspectives and relief.
10. Accept that Not Everything Can Be Fixed
As hard as it may be to accept, some things cannot be changed or undone. Part of healing is recognizing that no amount of action can fully fix the past. That doesn’t mean you’re doomed to carry regret forever, but it does mean accepting the reality of the situation. Life is full of imperfect moments, and learning to live with that imperfection is a form of growth and maturity. Acceptance allows you to move forward, even if the situation isn’t fully resolved in the way you’d hoped.
11. Forgive Without Closure
Sometimes, we can’t get the closure we crave, and waiting for it can keep us stuck in a cycle of guilt. Whether the other person is unwilling or unable to forgive you, or whether you can’t reconcile with them in any meaningful way, consider forgiving yourself anyway. True forgiveness comes from within, and while external validation may feel important, self-forgiveness is what ultimately allows you to move on.
When time and forgiveness aren’t enough, making amends requires effort and action. The key is to focus on what you can control—how you treat yourself, how you interact with others, and what you do moving forward. It’s not about erasing the past, but about learning to live with it, heal from it, and use it to shape a better future. None of us are perfect, but we all can grow, heal, and find peace in our way.
The Weight of Avoidance: Understanding Isolation and Depression
Avoidance is a common response for those struggling with depression, anxiety, or other mental health challenges. It’s a defense mechanism—one that helps to shield us from situations that feel overwhelming or triggering. However, it can also lead to a cycle of isolation, where social interactions become increasingly difficult to manage, and isolation feels safer than stepping into a world that doesn’t always understand.
When someone is feeling depressed, social interactions may become a burden rather than a comfort. You might find yourself avoiding phone calls, canceling plans, or pulling away from relationships. Depression can create a sense of paralysis, making it hard to explain your feelings or articulate why engaging with others feels impossible. The energy to explain becomes exhausting, and sometimes, it feels easier to simply withdraw.
I find myself avoiding an elderly person/client in my life, not because I don’t care about him, but because I wouldn’t know where to begin to make them understand my struggles. I live with obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), particularly around germ contamination. The thought of explaining that is too much to bear, my home is my quarantined sanctuary, my safe space, and teaching someone about mental health is going to be daunting. How do you explain to someone that your mind has built walls around every action and that even simple interactions can feel contaminated?
In my case, like many others who work remotely, my home has become my haven. It’s where I feel in control of my environment, but it’s also where isolation sets in. The longer I stay here, the harder it becomes to engage with the world outside. OCD, compounded by depression, pushes me to avoid situations that others may not even think twice about—shaking hands, sitting in a public place, or having a conversation in person.
For those of us living with mental health challenges, avoidance often feels like the only option. We retreat, not because we don’t want connection, but because the act of connecting feels so heavy and fraught with complications. Depression tells you that people won’t understand, and OCD convinces you that stepping outside of your controlled environment is too risky.
But isolation comes at a cost. While avoidance may bring short-term relief, it can also lead to long-term loneliness, deepening depression, and a sense of disconnect from the world. So how do we begin to break the cycle?
Steps to Overcome Avoidance and Reconnect:
- Acknowledge Your Feelings: It’s important to first recognize that avoidance is a natural response to feeling overwhelmed. Don’t beat yourself up for retreating—acknowledging your struggle is the first step towards healing.
- Communicate Honestly: If you feel able, try to explain your situation to those who matter. You don’t have to share every detail, but a simple explanation that you’re going through a difficult time can help others understand why you’ve been distant.
- Take Small Steps: Reaching out and engaging with the world doesn’t have to be an all-or-nothing affair. Start with small, manageable steps—whether it’s sending a text message, scheduling a brief phone call, or meeting someone for a short coffee.
- Consider Therapy or Support Groups: Therapy, especially cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), can help break the patterns of avoidance and develop strategies for managing anxiety, depression, or OCD. Support groups, whether online or in person, can provide a safe space to share experiences with others who understand.
- Set Boundaries: If interacting with others feels too overwhelming, it’s okay to set boundaries. You don’t have to over-explain or justify your actions, but establishing clear limits on what you’re comfortable with can help reduce feelings of guilt.
- Practice Self-Compassion: Avoidance can often lead to self-blame, especially when relationships begin to suffer. Practice being kind to yourself—understanding that you’re doing the best you can, given your circumstances.
Avoidance is a coping mechanism for many dealing with depression, anxiety, or other mental health challenges, including OCD. It’s a way to protect yourself from feeling overwhelmed, but it can also isolate you further. For someone like me, who works remotely and struggles with OCD, stepping out into the world isn’t just a matter of social anxiety—it’s a battle against the constant fear of contamination.
If you find yourself in a similar situation, remember that you’re not alone. It’s okay to take your time, acknowledge your fears, and slowly work towards re-engaging with others. The world may not always understand, but there are steps you can take to help bridge the gap and find connection even amidst the isolation.
Conclusion
I’m still working on it, and that’s okay. Some days are harder than others, and when it gets too overwhelming, I remind myself that shutting off isn’t the answer. Reaching out, even when it’s painful, can help bring some light back into the darkest of times.
Writing a book about a loved one is a beautiful way to keep their legacy and memory alive, allowing their life story to be passed on to future generations. By capturing their experiences, wisdom, and personality in words, you preserve their essence in a tangible form that can be shared with descendants, creating a bridge between the past and the future. As technology advances, the possibility of AI making people “immortal” may become real, but until that day comes, documenting your loved ones’ stories—whether online or in a biography—ensures their memory lives on, touching hearts for years to come.
A person once insensitively asked me, “How long do you expect to grieve?” after my mother passed away, which I believe was a clear breach of the Equality Act 2010. I have never forgotten those words which felt like someone had driven a sword into my chest. I have never forgotten the person who said that to me either, albeit I have forgiven him as he was only doing his job (J.M). If I knew what I know now I would have been in a better position to answer the question. Under this law, individuals are protected from discrimination based on characteristics such as mental health, which includes the grieving process. The question was like I was hit below the belt, not only intrusive but also displaying a lack of understanding of the emotional depth of grief. Nearly two decades later, I am still grieving, and the pain of her absence hasn’t faded. I would give anything to spend just one more day with her, to tell her how much she meant to me and to feel her presence once again. Grief doesn’t have a timeline, and comments like that can do more harm than good, hence why my OCD has gotten worse.
In Memory Of My Mothers’ Best Friend R.I.P
KAZIMIERA PALUCH (KASIA)
02/09/40 – 19/08/24
