Domestic Violence is not always instantly visible as a person of violent tendencies, they may be a wolf in sheep’s clothing, and he/she may look innocent at first. They may try to reel you in with their charm and charisma. You may think you have struck gold and they will wait until your feelings turn to love, before they strike. They will then have ultimate power over you.
Extreme jealousy, and paranoia, often with accusations of cheating, going to the lengths of stalking.
Embarrassing or shaming you privately and publically.
Controlling who you spend time with or talk to.
Consistently humiliating, belittling, criticizing, and putting you down.
Blaming you for their behavior, (everything is your fault after all (NOT)).
Being in denial, plying down their actions, and making out you are exaggerating.
Controls your finances and gives you little or no money at all.
Physically abuses you by punching, spitting, pulling hair, and pushing you. Damages or destroys your valuables and electronics, Hurts you, or threatens to do physical harm to you or other members of the family.
Tries to turn your children against you with manipulation.
When the victim reaches out to you do give them all the support they need. If they just want to talk lend them your ear. Do not give false promises you will phone and then you don’t. Do not try to brush it under the carpet and make it look trivial or avoid talking about it. If a friend or family member is in an abusive relationship, it’s important to know common warning signs and how to help, and it’s important to be a true friend that actually cares.https://disabledentrepreneur.uk/why-people-do-not-care/ . I will give you an example I sent a sensitive email to three people in my close network of family and friends and not one of them although they did acknowledge reading it never once tried to talk or listen. I once reached out to my deceased brother’s partner to give me a safe place and she never contacted me ever to see if I was ok. If I had gone somewhere where I felt secure I would have avoided the beatings I endured while staying in my own home.
Warning signs of domestic violence:
The victim may become more withdrawn and you hardly ever see or talk with them anymore. They may develop social disconnection and fear of leaving their home.
The victim may make excuses about socializing.
The victim may start blocking everyone they know on social media (the abuser usually wants access to the victim’s social media accounts and will control the account.
The victim’s personal hygiene may be affected, where they once cared about how they looked, they now do not care.
The victim’s home may become uncared for and unclean.
The victim will develop mental health issues, such as depression, anxiety, PTSD, grief, and OCD.
The victim may still be in contact with their partner even when they are not together. For the victim, there could be a glimmer of hope that the abuser may turn over a new leaf but in reality, this will never happen.
Their partner controls many of their actions including finances, or how long the victim can be out of the house or on the phone.
The abuser makes fun of the victim and embarrasses them in front of you.
The victim may make excuses to you and defend the abuser saying that it was really their fault that things escalated. (It is never the victim’s fault and they are kidding themselves if they say it is).
How to help:
Offer help but keep your distance. You do not want the victim to clam up.
Offer your ear and listen without being judgmental.
Do not give your opinion. Unless you are a professional expert in the field of domestic violence, your opinions are not of consequence. Don’t say things like “If I were you, I’d leave!” or “I wouldn’t put up with that behavior.” This could cause your friend or family member to withdraw or not see you as someone who can help. Instead, listen and become someone they confide in.
Do not judge or degrade the abuser. This can often backfire and the victim may become defensive. After all, you do not know the whole story or the abuser for that matter so who are you to judge?
Do not blame the victim for not leaving, in some cases, the abuser could be an unwanted guest in the victim’s home. the relationship. It is sometimes more complicated to leave all your belongings behind to flee to safety.
Do let the victim know you are concerned for their safety and you will be there no matter what, regardless of what time of day or night it is or what you’re doing. If the victim is in danger then it is an emergency and you have to drop everything and take action, whether it is phoning the police or rescuing the victim and taking them to a safe place.
Connect the victim with local resources who will be able to provide support.
Children Trapped In The Middle of An Abusive Relationship With Their Parents.
Domestic violence, research has shown that children who have witnessed domestic violence have the same life-long mental health effects as if they had experienced the abuse directly. UNICEF reports that over 275 million children worldwide have witnessed domestic violence.
Children who have witnessed domestic violence often experience long-term physical and psychological effects. Research has found they have 40% lower reading levels. They are at increased risk for PTSD, anxiety, and depression. Children who witness domestic violence are also at risk for physiological effects later in life, such as obesity, heart disease, and diabetes. Dr. Nadine Burke Harris, the Surgeon General of California, discusses this link between childhood trauma and toxic stress and the ongoing physical effects in her book The Deepest Well: Healing the Long-Term Effects of Childhood Adversity and says even sleeping infants can experience negative psychological effects of being in prolonged toxic stressful situations.
How can a child recover from experiencing or witnessing domestic violence?
Help children feel safe, give them 100% of your attention and make them feel special.
Talk with your children and teach them the abuse is wrong it was not their fault or yours, and that what they experienced or witnessed was the fault of a very unwell person that may need help.
Have children talk about what happened with a trusted adult and a professional therapist.
If you or anyone has been affected by Domestic Violence and wants someone to talk to just drop us a message using the form below. If you do not want to give your real name, that’s OK too, we do not ask questions we are just here to listen.
**Please Note: If you are reading this and are looking for ways to get out of the situation you are in but are not in any immediate danger, devise an emergency backup plan. have a bag ready with all your important documents and valuables and try to save some money for a taxi or busfare. Have a burn phone, just in case your abuser destroys the one you use. Back up all your contact details of all your friends and family and keep it all in the cloud. Make duplicate copies of all your important documents just in case the originals get found and get destroyed. If you can save more money and have a place you can go such as a hotel for a few nights, you should do this until you can secure some permanent shelter. Tell your friends and family what is going on in your life, they may be able to provide support. Have a secret code to notify them that you need help and if you are in imminent danger call the Police or get your support network to do it for you. I have heard ordering a pizza on the emergency services number will notify the Police there is something wrong and they should send out patrol cars.
Coping With Mental Health As A Survivor.
As a survivor of domestic abuse, I know full well how it has affected my life after the aftermath where I am now left to pick up the pieces. What I have learned through self-help therapy is to put it behind me, it was in the past, it is not part of my future and he cannot hurt me if he cannot find me.
My abuser has actually left the country and gone back home to Poland. Ideally, to feel 100% safe I would like to be sure our paths will never cross ever again and I would like to live somewhere where I can rebuild my life rather than have constant reminders of all the physical damage he had not only done to me but also to my home.
I know one day he will re-ignite his hatred of someone else, but then it will be someone else’s problem, I know that sounds selfish and harsh but my hands are tied because he no longer resides in the same country as me). The authorities would not be able to do anything unless he returned, (a leopard does not change their spots, believe me, they do not, I learned that the hard way). Yes, I had plenty of opportunities to press charges but I was afraid and just played the waiting game for him to leave and he did. I have blocked him on all social media and have begun removing my carbon footprint. It stands to reason if he was ever to return he would come to the place he believes I live in, but when I move he will never find me.
He is pure evil and I do not believe he will ever change.
I have learned by keeping myself busy and journalling that I am healing in my own way and am paving a new path.
I cannot deny that it has affected me mentally and physically and I cannot things like I used to but I am learning how to rewire my mind and my thoughts through hypnosis, meditation, and scripting.
I know it will take a lot of time and intervention but I am confident I will get there in the end.
My experience can help others who are dealing with domestic violence and are recovering, either way, there is hope.
How does Domestic Violence affect mental health?
Domestic Violence Is Associated With:
Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD).
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)
After the perpetrator is no longer in your life the constant reminders of the destruction are still there. We can erase some of the memories through hypnosis and meditation. But the duration of the abuse will affect you mentally. You may start to believe everything that the abuser said to you are true because you may feel useless because he/she made you feel that way.
Domestic violence is associated with depression, anxiety, phobias, and post-traumatic stress disorder. It is evidenced that individuals suffering from mental health as a result of domestic abuse may experience disturbed sleeping patterns, commit or attempt suicide and develop substance misuse issues.
The ultimate way is to keep reminding yourself that if you give in he/she would have won.
You are stronger than that, you can show them and make them live to regret raising one finger to you.
Children who witness the events are found to suffer from mental ill health, later on in their lives, and where they see this happening may not differentiate right from wrong. They may see it as normal and may even adopt the same traits.
16% of domestic abuse victims have considered attempting suicide as a result of the abuse (National Legal Service).
64% of domestic abuse survivors experience PTSD (Office of National Statistics)
60% of psychiatric inpatients had experienced severe domestic abuse (Office of National Statistics).
Individuals may find it difficult to seek support for their mental health, however, help is available.
What help can a survivor of domestic violence get?
First of all the victim needs to reach out to their GP (Doctor) to get the medication to help them sleep, ease their depression and get a referral to counseling services.
Some counseling services like CBT Therapy or psychotherapists are provided by the NHS (UK) free of charge. Hypnotherapy can be accessed online. There are also many free courses and therapy sessions that can be accessed via the NHS https://www.nhs.uk/mental-health/.
There are many social media groups on Facebook that you can join to be part of a community and help one another to motivate and empower. If you have a story you wish to share and perhaps help someone then we invite you to write on our site.
Protecting your mental health when affected by Domestic Violence?
There are many ways to protect your mental health.
I have found that whoever I talk to in my personal network does not really want to support me and they do not want to hear all the gory details, they usually try to change the subject or try to brush it under the carpet by saying its in the past and you should not dwell on it, (easier said than done).
Unless you have been on the receiving end of domestic violence no one has the right to judge or give an opinion unless they are an expert in the field such as psychologists or mental health practitioners.
One of the ways to protect your mental health by far is to reach out to a medical practitioner or GP (Doctor), they can advise the best course of action and put you in touch with organizations that can help.
Remember talking to someone is a good thing although some people simply do not care, so be mindful of this and it is best to reach out to your doctor first and foremost or any professional body.
Taking back hold of your life.
Make an appointment with your doctor.
Start a diary, this could be a personal book or an online journal.
Join social media groups specifically focused on Domestic Violence.
Join social groups and start making friends.
Start to go out, for a coffee, drinks, or dinner even by yourself (You have your smartphone, tablet, or book to keep you company).
Plan your new life.
Manage your finances.
Set goals (have a bucket list and reward yourself every time you reach one of your goals).
Learn something new each day (there is plenty of information and courses online and some are free).
Start a hobby or something you have always dreamed of doing but never had a chance to.
Look after yourself and start to love yourself again.
Practicing mindfulness and exercising, even just a walk in the fresh air has been proven to support wellbeing. Further ideas can be found at https://www.mind.org.uk/.
Start a blog and share your experience and knowledge.
Teach others (this could be about something you are passionate about or talk about your life and how you are a survivor.
Motivate and Empower people.
Show the world you are a survivor where you got kicked down, got back up again, and are more stronger than ever before.
If you have children that have witnessed the destruction and physical and mental abuse, make them your priority and show them that you all are in a better place, spoil them, take them out to all their favorite places and talk to them that what happened was wrong and should never be repeated by anyone. Teach them about kindness and respect so that they do not go on to do what their father or partner did. Children have a tendency to pick up bad habits that they see their parents doing.
Leave a Legacy.
If you want to reach out or share your story either anonymously or using your real name we can give you your own space where you can log in and update as little or as often as you like. Just drop us a line using the form below:
My Online Journal is my safe space where I can share my stories and vent. I do not always write negatively but of late I have noticed blue-chip corporations treating people badly so not only is this my online therapy it also is a voice for people who cannot or do not know how to stand up for themselves.
I have not made an entry here for a while and yesterday was the ideal time to do some journaling and spill the beans.
The morning started out with me phoning all my insurance providers as I had deleted some direct debits in error. I suffer from cognitive impairment caused by cerebellum atrophy and sometimes muddle my words up. The words can be very overwhelming for me at times. Being stressed does not help and where I should have canceled one insurance policy, I actually canceled three. As it turns out the other two direct debits were obsolete, but still having to phone all nine companies was challenging.
The other problem I have is dreading talking over the phoneso when I tried to rectify the problem via email I was point-blank declined and was told to call. The calling is not so bad but it listening to the prompts Press #1 for what you had for breakfast Press #2 what you had for lunch and #Press #3 just to annoy you more (just kidding) although I have been subjected to up to 4 minutes of this from various companies before the annoying music starts playing. God forbid if your call drops and you have to start all the BS all over again.
Insurers do not make it easy, so although you may take out insurance by a said insurer the underwriters a separate company collect payment. So there could be the same underwriter for multiple insurers which can make it difficult when trying to find out who is who. I have done a spreadsheet so that I do not get caught out again, but by the 9th insurer I had enough, yet my day was only starting.
What rattled me was, that I was paying £65 at the beginning of the year then it went up to £90, and yesterday she wanted £138 per month. I was told I use more gas than the average household. The way I see it regardless if I did not use any gas at all, I still would have to pay for the service. I am not going to reduce the quality of my life and sit at home freezing cold. or only cook once a week. If a person is struggling to pay £90 then how the hell are they supposed to find the money to pay £138?
“A little bit of maths and common sense would not go a miss“.
“What are people supposed to do, do they have to rob banks or starve”?
Someone on LinkedIn commented “that charity starts a home”, but what she failed to comprehend was the support in the event of a military attack on these countries will be money in BJs / Chancellor of the Exchequers Pockets so to speak. W#ar is big business at the expense of the people. How do you accumulate wealth if you do not lend money or charge interest on the money you lend out? This is how the money system works. If you lone out jets, sell ballistic and nuclear missiles you have to get paid and its one big game of the winner takes it all.
I do not support the funding of the lavish lifestyles of the 1%that think they own us and rob us blind. I never agreed to slaving away, did you?
No one owns me. I have a voice and I am not afraid to use it!
I am a spiritual being in a physical body and we are here for a reason and it is to teach others, empower and motivate and not steal, abuse, or kill, we are supposed to be intelligent human beings, not animals.
We should be able to distinguish right from wrong and if the likes of P#tin who orders the mass killings then he is no better than something that has just crawled out of a sewer. These people are vermin.
In fact, any person in power that has done wrong should be punished the same way as a member of public and should also be kicked out of office, I refer to certain politicians, that got a slap on the wrist and fines, for their publicised antics.
There is a Scottish MP trending at the moment that allegedly had £25 Million in Funding For PPE that supposedly ended up being used due to it not being of high quality and was returned. This MP is now being investigated.
Just imagine if this was the average entrepreneur that had done this, they would be facing a custodial sentence for fraud, but I guess if you own 6 houses (one in Belgravia in London) you have enough money to pay for a jail-free card on the monopoly board.
I spoke about a previous post about why people do not care and the customer representative said that people do care and that she cared (no they don’t unless it directly affects them). She then asked could she help me with anything else and I said “help me bring in more clients”, the call then ended without any feedback on my remark…I rest my case!
Reference the money she expected me to agree to I said I will pay, but will not be able to eat and the CEO of British Gaswill certainly not have a problem bringing food to the table whilst I will and this is where she started to be sympathetic.
I got my frustration out, if nothing else, and told her she was professional and had a calming voice, I just did not mention the fact she made me feel bad at the beginning of the conversation as what would have been the point. I felt had I not mentioned I am self-employed the conversation would have been slightly different.
Do you think it is by chance this P#tin W#ar has broken out or is it something to do with the deficit spending and all the price rises? Have you forgotten about Brexit and how much money UK is in debt by and how much money they have to pay back, never mind the trade w#ar in China and the USA. Putting the jigsaw pieces together can you not see a picture emerging?
These blue-chip companies get a 6% commission for our sweat, labor, and hardship. Do you think that the dictator started the w#ar himself or was it pre-arranged at the round table, by a selected few?
People at the top of the food chain seem to think they own and control you and in a way they do.
An example of a battery in the matrix was Virgin Media which I have for months had an ongoing dispute again I have communicated by email and have told them not to phone me and what do they do? they only phone even though I specifically requested not to. What was interesting though my phone was on “do not disturb” but they managed to get through and the phone rang. I re-iterated how much emotional distress they put me through and I am still no closer to a resolution as the email I was promised I would have, never materialized.
So you can imagine the poor sod on the other end of the line receiving my wrath and me saying “if you read my email do you not understand English”, his reply was he was ordered by someone above him to phone me and my final reply was that he obviously did not have the balls to stand up to the person. Most people are afraid of speaking up in the workplace for the fear of being fired. People go to work like sheep to get their paychecks the majority do not go to work because they love the company that employs them they are solely there to do a job and get paid. They are human robots being told what to do. Their “VOICE” in the metaphorical sense of the word is taken away, they are slaves to the employer for the hours they work.
Anxiety& Panic Attack.
The day continued with my brother telling me that he is coming over to the UK at Christmas. Under normal circumstances, I should be ecstatic but I am having a panic attack simply thinking about it.
I have not left my home for three years due to social disconnection and OCD, actually, tell a lie I went out once to meet him last year for the day and I felt so ill after that but he was oblivious to my disability. He told me that I have to arrange my schedule and my work around him. He told me we will be talking this weekend coming.
Notice how my disability and my work are of no significance to him and I have to just get over myself.
The icing on the cake was the final straw that broke the camel’s back so to speak with my neighbor announcing she is moving within the month. she without a doubt had to be the nicest neighbor I have ever had, she was always kind, and caring and never did me wrong. I will miss her.
I do believe nothing standstills and when one door closes another one opens so although I felt very depressed yesterday with low self-esteem. That was yesterday though and your mood can change if you stay occupied and not dwell on what is bothering you. I am hopeful about tomorrow and about brighter things to come. I am fortunate I have an online journal to vent my anger which I can share with whoever wants to read my challenges. I did come across a website called (www.storiboard.co.uk) not mine may I add but a portal to share your stories.
Telling Your Story.
Anyone reading this who wants a platform to share their stories is more than welcome to subscribe here and I will make you a contributor or will manually upload your stories for you. It won’t cost you a penny only your time, it is completely free.
I have gone through a lot over the last two decades (I won’t go into it all here but I am a ‘survivor of domestic violence‘ and and this is what drives me to tell my story) I won’t say I am strong all the time. I have good days and bad days and yesterday was a bad day for me but I know I will get over it. I am still standing and I won’t let anyone break me, sure they can try but when they knock me down and I get back up again so help me God.
I will be writing my biography soon and I will be calling out all the people that have done me wrong. Don’t misunderstand me, I am not awkward or vengeful, I just think some people deserve their five minutes of fame.
No one on this planet is better than you, we all do the same things, we eat, sleep and go to the bathroom, and we all cannot survive without water or air. We all have red blood and if Adam and Eve were the first people, then their children would have been inbred so we are all brothers and sisters. The world is an evil place with evil people living in it trying to suck the last ounce of happiness out of you. They should be very worried about what happens to them after they die. Just because some use 24kt Gold WCs does not make them any better than you. We all have the right to live on this planet in harmony and without having to worry about where the next paycheck is going to come from and if we can put food on the table. No one should fear for their lives or be killed for some political agenda. No one should lose their life for the sake of debt ceilings and deficit spending.
“The Hidden Secrets of Money” By Mile Maloney.
I have an invisible disability and I expect to be acknowledged as a human being and not be judged, I expect people to give me the respect I deserve. I do not need anyone giving me advice, or being patronizing, after all when it comes to mental health I specialize in the subject hence why I built this site.
Never assume anything with me without asking me first.
I know if my finances improved so would my mental health. My cerebellum atrophy is incurable but with new drugs coming on the market anything is possible. I am staying positive and hopefully, someone reading this will invest in me.
One day soon you will learn what one particular “evil animal” did to me and how I am recovering.
I have audio recordings of all the death threats he made to me.
He is no longer residing in the UK, he left last December for Germany however within a month of him starting work he was fired due to an altercation with a woman at his place of work, why does that not surprise me.
Unfortunately, because he does not speak fluent English he was unable to set up an email address so I did it for him and forwarded all his emails to me for translation purposes with his consent, however, I have no access to his settings anymore, and cannot un-forward myself hence I get his emails and all the antics he is getting up to.
I use outlook and have blocked his email but people sending emails to him still come into my inbox. I have started marking them as spam as I have no other way of stopping any communication.
Remember not all that glitters is gold and that was my mistake and I have learned the hard way.
One day I will rise from the ashes and tell my full story.
Tomorrow is another dayand I aim for a brighter future!
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Emotional Distress is the intentional infliction of emotional discomfort on another person and is a common law tort that allows people to sue organizations and individuals for severe emotional distress caused by another person or entity who intentionally or recklessly inflicted emotional distress by behaving in an “extreme and outrageous” way.
What are the types of emotional distress?
There are two types of emotional distress cases, negligent and intentional.
You can claim monetary compensation for the emotional distressthe discrimination has caused you – this is called ‘injury to feelings.
You’ll need evidence of this and if you have it documented as I have through my “online journal” you can build a case against the perpetrator or entity which needs to show how the discrimination made you feel.
You will need witnesses or evidence of who you are naming and blaming and you need to start asking your family, friends, colleagues, medical professionals, or support workers if they’ll be witnesses to how the discrimination affected you.
An injury to feelings claim is a claim that can be made as part of a judgment, discrimination, humiliation, mental and physical abuse claim but not an unfair dismissal claim. It is a claim for compensation for the upset, distress, or anxiety a person might have suffered as a result of discrimination, humiliation, mental abuse, physical abuse.
Negligence Emotional Distress: As an example, my GP’s surgery has failed in their duty of care and as a consequence has caused me emotional distress.
Intentional Emotional Distress: Another example of an entity(s) that caused a domino effect caused me emotional distress.
The purpose of an injury to feelings award is to compensate the individual for the hurt and distress they have suffered rather than to punish the entity or (person held liable) for the discriminatory conduct. However, the sum awarded should not be so high that it amounts to a windfall nor should it be so low that it diminishes respect for the law.
The lower band which is appropriate for less serious cases such as where the act of discrimination is an isolated or one off occurrence.
The middle band for serious cases which do not merit an award in the highest band.
The top band for the most serious cases such as where there has been a lengthy campaign of discriminatory harassment. In exceptional circumstances, the top band can be exceeded.
Subsequent case law established that a 10% uplift should be applied to any award and that the Vento bands should be increased annually in line with inflation.
For claims brought on or after 6 April 2019 the current bands are:
**Please Note Stress & Anxiety Compensation:
In case of prolonged symptoms, your compensation claims could range between £48,000 to £101,000.
For mild psychiatricdamage, your compensation claims could range between £1,300 to £5,000.
Business Emotional Distress.
Tortious interference, also known as intentional interference with contractual relations (is a business dispute), in the common law of torts, occurs when one person intentionally damages someone else’s contractual or business relationships with a third party, causing economic harm.
As an example, someone could use blackmail to induce a contractor into breaking a contract; they could threaten a supplier to prevent them from supplying goods or services to another party, or they could obstruct someone’s ability to honor a contract with a client by deliberately refusing to deliver necessary goods.
A tort of negligent interference occurs when one party’s negligence damages the contractual or business relationship between others, causing economic harm, such as, by blocking a waterway or causing a blackout that prevents the utility company from being able to uphold its existing contracts with consumers.
Can you sue your ex for emotional distress?
Yes, you can, as a general rule, you can sue for emotional distress, if your ex has caused you mental health issues and as a consequence, you are depressed and have PTSD you can sue this person.
In fact, whether you are filing an insurance claim or pursuing a personal injury action in court, your emotional distress damages are accounted for as a significant part of your financial recovery.
To prove a claim for intentional infliction of emotional distress a plaintiff must prove that:
The defendant’s conduct was outrageous and caused you distress.
The conduct was either reckless or intended to cause emotional distress
As a result of the defendant’s conduct the plaintiff suffered severe emotional distress (depression, PTSD, anxiety, stress, social disconnection, ocd).
Causes of Emotional Distress Include:
Loss of a Job
Medical Malpractice & Negligence
PTSD from witnessing a loved one’s premature death
Insecurity of knowing the unkown, when an entity playing mind games with your financial status and does not respond to you in a quick and timely manner.
Symptoms of Emotional Distress:
Loss of Apetite or Comfort Eating.
Insomnia, finding it hard to sleep.
Social Distancing, pulling away from people and things.
Feeling lethargic, having low or no energy
Having unexplained aches and pains, such as constant stomach aches or headaches
Low Self Esteem. Feeling helpless or hopeless
Excessive smoking, drinking, or using drugs, including prescription medications
Thinking of hurting or killing yourself or someone else.
Often cases such as domestic violence can lead the victim to either criminal or civil proceedings, and he or she will need to decide which option to follow first or which to devote energy to before seeking both options. Emotional distress is usually one aspect of pain and suffering that the judge may award in compensation.
Although the above explains the legal side of things you have to be prepared to name and blame the entities and expect the repercussions of the aftermath of your litigation.
You have two choices and that is you let your negative feeling go and never mention them again (bury your emotions) or you go down the route to seek monetary compensation.
In my lifetime I would have already been a millionaire by now had I chosen to sue everyone that did me wrong.
In light of the young woman “Gabby Petito” who was murdered in Florida most recently, the story has hit home and has opened up so many bad memories for me.
At the time of this article, being published there is a manhunt going on for her fiance “Brian Laundrie”.
Watching the video of the patrol officers when both the young woman and her fiance were first pulled over, I could relate to some of what was happening at the time.
Gabby was being very overprotective, not only for herself, but she also did not want Brian to get into trouble so she took the blame. She wanted to defuse the situation so that her partner would not be angrier once the authorities had gone.
She also blamed her OCD. (Yes I can relate to this also however if I was talking to someone to get them off my back I would use the OCD excuse).
By coincidence, I suffer from OCD and I know how frustrating this is to someone who does not suffer from it.
I used to be called “CRAZY” by someone I thought I trusted, even as I speak to today there is a stigma attached to people with mental health issues. I was told multiple times by the person who tried to control me that I needed to be locked up in a lunatic asylum. This could have been a trigger to start an argument for Gabby and Brian, as my OCD got me into a lot of arguments myself.
So it is no surprise that a recent conversation I had with someone I have known for 40 years who learned I had OCD never bothered to ring me back after he said he would.
The problem is I do not give people second chances anymore, I used to, but my mindset has changed. If someone does me wrong that is it, I will not have anything more to do with them.
If people assume that disabilities especially mental health ones are labeled as “crazy”, I have news for you being anxious, depressed, and having panic attacks are also mental health issues, so we all have an element of craziness in us.
For me at the time of my physical and mental abuse, I had lost my brother to a drowning accident and felt my life was falling apart. I believed that the person I had turned to for solace, whom I trusted would protect me from harm ended up the person who nearly cost my life.
When I first met my ex-partner in 2009 I should have gone with my gut feeling as I did not like him at first. I remembered my brother’s words shortly before his passing that I should start dating. I had been divorced for nine years and did not need anyone in my life up until that point when my parents passed away and then my brother.
My ex had heard I had come into a large inheritance and my naivety prevailed as I thought he was in pursuit of me, not my money (I was very naive and stupid), so in January 2010 we started dating.
Everything seemed fine until I heard in February 2010 my brother was involved in a freak accident in Ecuador where he sadly lost his life.
I needed my ex more than ever to help me stay sane. I did start to have feelings for him (I cared for him but was not in love, more like lust) and found when he started to show his true colours approximately four months later after my brother had passed away, whilst we were visiting my family in Poland for a wedding, I should have seen all the warning signs with his vulgarity and disrespect to me and left him there and then, but I didn’t.
On the way back to the UK he was just rude and vulgar but not physically abusive. It would be approximately a year later that he physically attacked me.
This is when my whole world turned truly upside down. I felt I was in the middle of the eye of a tornado where not only did he physically assault me, I then had the authorities putting pressure on me to have him charged. I felt my whole world falling apart and I could not cope with the anguish and the stress.
Similar to what this young woman was going through in the video I tried to defend him and say it was my fault that things got out of hand, so as not to cause further anger or cause a rift between us.
I believed then (not now), that people are not born evil and thought once the dust settled I could reason with him and get him the help and therapy he needed without getting him into trouble with the authorities. That was a stupid naive mistake I made as one can inherit narcissistic traits.
“You cannot change a person that does not want to change”.
This did not turn out well or go in my favour when I refused to press charges. I then became a target and was treated like a criminal for harbouring a would-be criminal in the eyes of the law and the authorities turned against me and threatened to take away my child.
I was in the middle of a storm and had no one to turn to. I did not trust anyone and I felt very alone. I was scared how would I cope with being on my own even though it did not dawn on me I was actually alone for nine years prior to meeting my ex, so why did being alone actually matter?
I was obviously not thinking straight. Just like “Gabby” I was afraid to lose the person I hoped to settle down with. It did not matter how many people advised me or how many people tried to keep us apart I had one goal and that was to make amends and start over, forgive and forget.
Needless to say, my ex did get charged by the Police and ended up going on remand for a week in jail but because I refused to give evidence the charges got dropped for lack of them.
I was now an enemy of the state.
Had the Police not got involved in the first place there could have been a totally different outcome and I could have easily been maimed for life or ended up dead. However, after he was released from custody his behaviour only got worse over time.
I was advised to move or go to a women’s shelter which I point blank refused. I thought why should I go on the run, move home and my business because of him. I had a woman’s shelter person insist on making them my friend and again, I did not want anything to do with strangers I just wanted to sort out the mess all by myself.
I ended with a police marker on my property and that if I was ever to call the Police or anyone else called the police, they would have blue lights blazing or so I thought.
It was hard to gain my ex’s trust after that and his anger only festered even more as he blamed me for getting the police involved even though he drew the first sword so to speak. He was in complete denial that he had done anything wrong.
From then on I was the target of verbal abuse on a constant basis and he was careful most of the time that there were no witnesses to his behaviour especially my daughter who he did not trust either as both my daughter and I were two peas from the same pod. However, there were a couple of occasions once on a busy high street where I was walking back from a Garage whilst my daughter was in school where he poured a can of beer over my head on busy high street causing the hairdressers to run out of the shop to comfort me and another time in Poland where he punched me whilst he was driving the car with his elderly aunt in the back. Other than that he did everything when there was no one around.
There were a lot of incidents that stuck in my mind and as I write this article I am still not ready to tell the world what exactly happened and what he did to me.
It is still very mentally painful for me to recall everything and I have tried to suppress my mental wounds and memories knowing in time I will heal. I hope one day to tell my story to help women just like Gabby.
It is more common than people think especially in Poland as an example and by coincidence another wife-beater whose wife I happened to help about two and half years ago in a similar situation to mine only messaged me the other day to help him.
These men are delusional and considering he knows my ex-partner and what he did to me as he listened to the audio recordings I have, you would think considering he too was in a similar situation not so long ago himself, he would not be so naive to think I would help him.
Polish people stick together in communities especially in a foreign land and because English is my native tongue but I am bi-lingual that is why Poles come to me for help.
I told him I was busy for the next few months with work and told him to contact someone else. I have no intention of helping someone that beats women one day and acts like nothing happened the next.
I know none of what has happened to me was my fault. It was my ex’s insecurities that made him the way he was, not to mention that it is part of the culture in rural areas of Poland where the men go to work grafting in fields all day whilst the women are supposed to keep a tidy home, have their dinners ready and oblige to every whim.
Furthermore, the abuse is passed from generation to generation especially considering that some men drink excessively to the point they are paralytic and that is when the demons come out. Although my ex was very much sober when he was physically and mentally abusive towards me and was more subdued when he was drunk, these are the characteristics of a narcissist, a dangerous, psychotic person.
Looking back at my ex, his mother admitted she was physically and mentally abusive to her crippled wheelchair-bound husband when my ex was a toddler. So from a young age growing up, he started to have a hatred towards women and I witnessed how he pushed his elderly mother’s frail body nearly causing her to fall. I also heard his vulgarity towards his own mother who walked out of the room so as not to show him that his words hurt her and that she was crying. He never apologized when she returned just stared at her giving her dirty looks.
The last straw that broke the camel’s back for me was when I decided to put a stop to his abuse once and for all. He dislocated my knee and that was it there was no turning back. I had already collected enough evidence previously and had started to hate him (there is a thin line between love and hate). Any feelings I had for him had long gone.
I then came up with a plan, I could see that he was getting, even more, angrier with me and that there was no reasoning with him so I started to collect evidence and recorded him secretly.
Over time I managed to collect enough evidence that he would be facing jail for a very long time and with this evidence which I presented to him I gave him an ultimatum to leave me alone once and for all and to payback for all the damages otherwise, I would go to the Police. I made multiple copies of the evidence I had and told him should anything ever happen to my daughter or me, the police would go looking for him.
He knows that if he fails to pay me for everything he has broken or tries to come near me he will have the Police knocking on his door.
Yes he caused me harm and I do have memories but I can safely say I was lucky to have got away from him for good.
I have blocked him on all social media and unfriended all his friends, family, and associates. The less he knows about me the better.
Am I still concerned he may carry out his threats, perhaps if I provoked him, that is why I remain to stay civil until I am ready to disassociate myself for good?
Moving is my final goal. My businesses are online with no physical addresses so I have no worries there. There will be a time when I sever all ties with him when I am good and ready.
My circumstances and the threats he made I will not divulge until I am ready to tell the world, hence I have CCTV outside my property, had the locks changed, and am very vigilant.
I do not go out because of my mental and physical health which some of it was caused by my ex.
I have a long road to recovery and where someone asked me the other day am I in a relationship, even though I had told this person previously many months prior about my ex, this individual was oblivious to the fact that my ex has caused considerable mental and physical damage, so why on God’s earth would I ever want to get involved with anyone ever again?
I have in my lifetime witnessed my father slap my mother, my cousin being dragged by her hair by her husband. Have had my own personal experiences and have had been made aware of domestic violence in the Polish Community in the City I live in.
Abuse majority of the time is behind closed doors. People are either too afraid to get help, are too embarrassed, or simply do not know how to end the nightmare they live in.
Some people believe they can change a person (I was one of them), but in reality, you cannot change a person unless they are willing to accept your help and are willing to change.
Sometimes an assault can happen when you least expect it.
If you are in imminent danger try to get away. Sometimes talking calmly and showing you are not afraid can help to defuse the situation and then when you are confident you can leave without getting harmed leave at the first opportunity.
If you are in a situation where this happens often and you have not found the courage to leave or report the crime, secretly record the abusive behaviour. You do not have to have catalouges of episodes, one incident is enough, and then make a secret plan on the first opportunity to leave and not return. Try to have an escape plan. (In my case he was a visitor in my home so it was hard to get him to leave).
I actually did reach out to my dead brother’s girlfriend to hide and she turned her back on me.
Things you should.
At the first opportunity go to the police, especailly if you have children or are in imminent danger.
Prior to fleeing delete all of the abusers friends, family and associates off all social media accounts and block them. (Tell your partner your account was taken down by social media for sharing something that goes against their policies, not that you closed it as that will make the abuser angry).
Give all the people you know nicknames and change their real names to the nicknames on your phone should the abuser insist on going through your phone to see who you phoned last or who had phoned you.
Change your passwords on everything.
Arrange to stay with someone that is not the obvious person on the list your abuser will go and visit.
Let all the people you know in your network, your friends, family they have nicknames and that if they get an unknown call from the abuser to not identify themselves. The only risk is ther abuser may recognise their voice.
Save some money put a few pounds/dollars aside each week so that when you are ready to flee you are able to do so without any monetary difficulty.
Keep all your important documents together, passport, driving licence etc so that you have no worries they will get destroyed by the abuser and you have them to hand in an emergency.
Have a bag packed ready to go. (Make sure your abuser does not clock on what you are up to. Do not make it a suitcase more a like a large handbag, small holdall or backpack)
Be careful who you talk to and trust.
Cover your tracks.
Invest in another phone with another number so that if your abuser uses his acquaintances to phone you it will be more difficult to track you down.
Keep your accounts private on social media and do not accept anyone you do not know as a connection, as your abuser could easily set up a fake account just to trap you or get an unknown friend to spy on you.
Do not be ashamed of your situation, many women and men are going through domestic violent relationships right now as we speak. Tell your neighbours to be aware of loud noises or raised voices.
Do not try to fight or retaliate in a volitile situation, instead try to stay calm and quiet to try and defuse the situation and once the coast is clear and the situation has calmed down make an excuse that you will go up the road to buy a bottle of wine or some beer giving you the opportunity to leave in a safe manner. Say it is a peace offering to start over. Do not try sneaking out as that will relight a smouldering flame.
They say an apple does not fall far from the tree and knowing I had a police marker on my property when a boy threatened my daughter a couple of years later I phoned the police. After 10 minutes of no sounds of sirens in the far distance and no police to my daughter’s rescue, I phoned again and the operator turned around and I quote “we are sitting at the end of your street waiting for you to phone us”. Imagine the seriousness of the call every second mattered so if my daughter and I were in imminent danger I do not believe the police would be in any hurry blasting their sirens to rescue us. Like I said before, I think I am now an enemy of the state because I did not press charges.
Going back to “Brain Laundrie”, this is only my opinion, he is most probably very scared and insecure and I believe and this is something my ex’s mother said to me all those years ago, if I were to press charges and, my ex was going to face jail, he would most probably kill himself and she would blame me. It is a vicious circle that I believe started with her narcissism towards her husband in front of her child who turned out to be a narcissist.
As for the whole “Brian Laundrie” case, I am sitting on the fence just like the rest of the world but if my child had killed their partner or was in serious trouble with the authorities I would try to persuade them to turn themselves in. I certainly would not go on a camping trip as a family and I would try and give all my support to the person’s family of the child that was murdered. There are too many unanswered questions and I do hope they find Brian alive so that this can bring closure to Gabby’s family.
What is the worst that can happen for Brian apart from the freeboard and lodgings he will indefinitely have if he is sent to jail if it was accidental or manslaughter? If on the other hand, it was first-degree murder then that constitutes the death penalty in Florida, but even then I would try to rehabilitate myself and help mentor other people with narcissistic problems before I met my maker.
There is a lot of outcry because of so many other missing persons in the USA and the rest of the world but the focus is on one person to be found preferably alive to be made an example of.
The way I see it, Gabby would not have died in vain and instead become a symbol and sacrifice for women all over the world to get out of abusive relationships before they meet the same fate as Gabby.
Gabby should be made a Saint by the Vatican.
More needs to be done to spread awareness of the dangers of abusive relationships.
“My condolences to Gabby’s family and thoughts and prayers at this most difficult time”.
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